Working Parents – Page 3

Editor’s pick: Was this Olympic swimmer raised with Attachment Parenting?

An American competitive swimmer, 31-year-old Michael Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time, having won 28 medals, most of them golds. I believe he was raised with Attachment Parenting — and this parenting approach helped get him to the podium.

As we know, Attachment Parenting (AP) is a continuum of parenting behaviors centered on strong, healthy emotional bonds. The result is not only a compassionate, insightful child with a natural inclination for healthy relationships, but also — and this is sometimes the best-kept secret of AP — self-confidence and a defined sense of self and talents.

Healthy self-esteem naturally flows out of a healthy parent-child relationship where the child feels free and safe, emotionally and physically, to learn and grow and develop his talents and strengthen his more challenging areas of temperament.

Attachment Parenting is not, in itself, breastfeeding or babywearing or cosleeping. These are choices of some parents to provide a more attachment-based family environment, but these parenting behaviors are not what define Attachment Parenting. Rather, AP is about the attitude that a parent comes with into the parent-child relationship.

Michael Phelps was diagnosed at age 9 with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), we had to get him ADHD Help from a very young age. Through my own and others’ parenting experiences with ADHD, raising children in an authoritarian (“do as I say, or else”) or a permissive (“do whatever you want”) do not work with ADHD. The authoritative parenting style — which includes parenting approaches, like AP, that take parent-child attachment into account — is a must for any spirited child.

In this Editor’s Pick, I want to highlight an article from ADDitude magazine, which spotlights Michael’s mother and her attitude toward parenting a child with ADHD.

Spiritedness — temperamental traits that we find challenging in our children — can test even the most patient, creative parents. ADHD is like a collection of certain temperamental traits that many parents, teachers, and others find very challenging — and a diagnosis often carries an assumption of low potential in that child. The hallmarks of ADHD — inability to regulate focus, impulsivity, hyperactivity whether physically or mentally, low frustration tolerance — as a set can, under certain circumstances, lead to a higher risk of problems in school, on the job, in relationships, and in life in general. But the key word here is “certain” circumstances: ADHD doesn’t guarantee a child a life of low potential.

Michael’s mother, middle school principal and single parent Debbie Phelps, certainly didn’t let ADHD hold back her parenting potential, either — as her son’s success not only in the pool, but in life as well, can attest.

“It just hit my heart,” Debbie told ADDitude. “It made me want to prove everyone wrong. I knew that, if I collaborated with Michael, he could achieve anything he set his mind to.”

The article goes on to explain some of the ways Debbie problem-solved to help Michael develop his natural-born talent of swimming while tempering some of the sharper edges of his ADHD tendencies. One of my favorite examples she provided was her response when Michael moaned about hating to read: She cued into his interests, handing him books about sports and the sports section of the newspaper. And then when her son had problems focusing on his math homework, she had him practice with word problems focused on swimming, like “How long would it take to swim 500 meters if you swim 3 meters per second?”

I know — we all know, whether we’re raising a child with ADHD or not — that working positively on a child’s more challenging temperamental tendencies is not always a quick or easy process…especially for the parent…especially if he or she was raised with yelling, threats, and punishments or an otherwise authoritarian (“do as I say, or else”) parenting style. But it works.

What I don’t like is that, in ADHD circles, positive discipline is referred to “behavior therapy.” That makes it sound like positive discipline — and Attachment Parenting as a whole, as positive discipline is a part of AP — is a treatment or something for special circumstances, rather than a parenting approach that is appropriate for all children, whether they have an ADHD diagnosis or not.

But Debbie Phelps refers appropriately to her child-rearing choices with Michael as “good parenting,” rather than behavior therapy. That’s a start to normalizing positive discipline — and Attachment Parenting — because it is, after all, the way to raise kids that research shows leads to best child outcomes, biologically…in other words, normal.

WBW 2016: A story of working and breastfeeding, and staying determined

Editor’s note: Yesterday, we read 5 tips for breastfeeding mothers returning to work outside the home. For this day of World Breastfeeding Week, we share another breastfeeding mother’s story of working and child-led weaning:

My daughter recently weaned after 3 and 1/2 years of nursing. We did baby-led weaning, so there were no tears shed — on either side. That I was set for failure to begin with in so many ways makes me want to share my story with others, especially working moms.

A Hard Start

As an older parent, with a cesarean birth, I was faced with the same struggles so many new moms struggle with: no to little milk supply for the first few weeks…no milk reflex that every breastfeeding book and counselor tell you about, for weeks…advice about pumping, giving formula, different nursing positions, and so on. But I stayed determined to breastfeed my baby!

My daughter spent some time in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). We were given the option of giving her donated breastmilk instead of formula, which we chose. Later, I found out that the breastmilk came from the first milk bank in Oregon, started just 3 years earlier!

At home, I did have to supplement with formula, but before every formula-feeding, I nursed her until she wouldn’t take more. Eventually after a few weeks, my milk supply did improve.

Returning to Work

After 8 weeks of maternity leave, when I got back to work, initially I tried to get to my baby to nurse her once during the day, but it affected both of our day time routines so much that I started pumping while at work instead. Before you return to your work, make sure your child safe with the nurse. It has seen many times nurses, neglect the baby, or abuse them or make them starve while parents are not around. Make sure the nurse don’t abuse your kid or neglect your kid. If any kind of abuse or negligence happened, protect your kid by engaging with the nursing home abuse lawyer Boston MA.

This is usually the time that babies develop a nipple preference — the breast or the bottle. In order to mitigate that, we followed a persistent routine with another caregiver offering her pumped milk and I always breastfed her on demand when home after work and on weekends.

At work, I exchanged notes with other moms who had done this before me. Every bit of encouragement and advice went a long way in taking us through the first year.

Somewhere along the way, during the 4- to 5-month mark, I had more milk than my baby needed and I made sure I froze the extra.

Breastfeeding Beyond 1 Year

The cultural expectation to wean around 1 year was a huge shocker. Most moms, family, and friends I interacted with thought 1 year of breastfeeding was enough and sufficient. Breastfeeding a baby on demand, especially at night, does take a toll on moms and this, I heard, is a big reason why many decide to wean at around the 1-year mark. But the ignorance, for a lack of better word, on why one would breastfeed beyond infancy took me some time to understand.

I educated myself and my family about the benefits of breastfeeding beyond infancy. This was especially important since my own parents had brought me and my siblings up in India in the late 1970s and ’80’s when formula and bottle-feeding were marketed as the pathways to “better nutrition” and “women’s empowerment” for middle-class families. I have lost count of the number of arguments I had with my own mother about why it was so important for me to take breastfeeding into my daughter’s second year.

Nighttime Nursing & Workday Mornings

As a family, we transitioned our daughter from her bassinet to cosleeping as soon as she was done with swaddling and had figured out the night-day difference around 3 to 4 months old. Nighttime and early morning nursings became a lot easier as a result.

My workday mornings were playful, fun, and challenging at the same time, especially to get out of the house. Breastfeeding in the mornings is not easy and for obvious reasons not workable for many working families. My mornings had to start at least 2 to 3 hours before I had to leave for work, so I had enough time before my baby was up to take care of morning chores, not rush her through nursing, and get an early start to work.

During a critical phase of a project at work, for months I would use alarms to wake myself up in the middle of the night after few hours of sleep. In all those moments, I just had to remind myself that even this would pass, to stay determined on my breastfeeding goals, and to keep going.

Our Marriage

At nights, nursing to put her to bed meant often that the dishwasher wasn’t loaded and the kitchen was a mess. Nursing on demand also meant that my husband had to pick up on chores where I left off. What resulted was a true partnership.

A Change in Jobs

When our daughter was born, my husband and I had jobs in different cities. We had figured our leave schedule so we were together the first year. After that, while we were still figuring out how to work it all out, there was an academic semester of my husband’s that I had to manage as a single mom with some domestic help and baby in daycare. It was one of the toughest times I had managing work and home and gave me a better appreciation of what was needed for my family.

At that point, I decided to change my job to one where the immediacy of deadlines was less intense. Leaving a project and team I loved dearly was not an easy decision, but something had to change.

Soon afterwards, as luck would have it, my husband was able to move his academic job to a branch campus much closer to home. All in all, it meant that it was only after her second birthday that we both could see her go to bed and get up in the morning every day of the week. Separation from her father for extended periods of time in the first 2 years also meant that our daughter grew much more attached to me then her father and her need for attachment and comfort with me would have made it very hard to wean her earlier.

Weaning

Two years and counting, I wondered when I was going to get my full night uninterrupted sleep. This is when I reached out to other moms at work who had followed baby-led weaning to hear their stories and experiences. We have this amazing working moms network where members respond to questions on a variety of parenting topics. We also have a moms mentoring program. This is especially important in a workplace that operates around the clock and therefore is obviously fraught with challenges for young families. Hearing from others that every child does wean themselves with some support from the moms when they are ready made all the difference for me.

Another big change was I had a job that offered me much more flexibility in the hours I spent at work or doing weekend coverage. Once we made the decision about following baby-led weaning, I had to come to terms with our nursing routine. By this time, I had nursed her wherever we traveled in India and the United States, from trains to buses, flights and metros, and all kinds of public spaces. We had managed 2 tough winters of daycare infections coming home and the long night nursings that come with a sick baby. By the third winter, however, I could already see the benefits of stronger immunity that my daughter developed due to extended breastfeeding.

And here we are. My daughter has weaned. All in all, my breastfeeding and baby-led weaning experience has given me confidence in my parenting journey.

WBW 2016: 5 tips for a strong nursing relationship while working away from home

Editor’s note: Among the 17 Sustainable Development Goals central to World Breastfeeding Week this year is a call for better workplace support of breastfeeding women. Certainly employers have a large part to play in meeting this goal, but women also need step up to advocate for themselves, their babies, and their right to express breastmilk while at work:

It’s that day…the dreaded day that no new mother wants to face — the last day of maternity leave.

For a mother able to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave afforded by the Family & Medical Leave Act, the last 3 months in baby bliss may instead feel like 3 short weeks, but regardless of the maternity leave length, the end of that special period arouses many emotions, especially for a nursing mother.

Naturally, a nursing mother’s mind becomes occupied with fears and questions:

How will I be able to provide enough milk while I am away?
What if my baby refuses a bottle?
Where will I find enough time to pump while I’m trying to work?
How will my boss and coworkers feel when I need time to pump?
What will happen to our nursing relationship?

This uncertainty creates even more stress and anxiety for the breastfeeding and working-away-from-home mother for she knows the important role breastfeeding plays in a secure attachment in addition to the numerous health benefits.

Continued nursing after the maternity leave period helps maintain a strong attachment between mother and baby. In his book, The Attachment Parenting Book, Dr. William Sears includes a chapter entitled “Working and Staying Attached,” in which he points out that giving your baby your milk is a very important way of staying attached to your baby after returning to work. Expressing milk for baby to drink during the day allows mother to, in a sense, be with baby while she is away at work. When mother and baby are reunited, their attachment through breastfeeding can resume as if she never left.

Nursing beyond maternity leave not only helps strengthen attachment but also provides numerous health benefits for the nursing mother and her nursling. In 2012, The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) published their policy statement, “Breastfeeding and the Use of Human Milk,” in Pediatrics. In this document, the AAP notes the numerous benefits of nursing, including those of nursing beyond 3-4 months. Some of these benefits for baby include a lower risk for developing serious colds, asthma, and other allergies; Sudden Infant Death Syndrome; and childhood and adult obesity. For the nursing mother, benefits include a lower risk of diabetes for mothers not diagnosed with gestational diabetes, a lower chance of arthritis, and breast and ovarian cancers. Essentially, the longer a mother can provide her baby with mother’s milk, the more health benefits received by both mother and baby.

In order to continue a secure attachment and experience the health benefits of breastfeeding, nursing mothers can maintain a strong nursing relationship while working away from home by following a few simple tips:

Know your breastfeeding rights — Under the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, many U.S. employers must provide a nursing mother with break time and a place to pump for up to 1 year after the birth of her baby. It is to be noted that companies with less than 50 employees are exempt from this law and instead offer pumping breaks at the discretion of the employer. Information, along with instructions for filing a complaint, can be found through the United States Department of Labor. Many other countries have generous allowances for nursing mothers at work, so be sure to check with your nation’s laws.
Plan a pumping schedule — This schedule will differ from mother to mother. Planning to nurse right before being separated from baby and as soon as mother and baby are reunited can help reduce the amount of pumping sessions needed at work. While at work, a mother should try to pump about every 3-4 hours. For a mom working an 8-hour shift, she might pump once in the morning, once during her lunch, and once in the afternoon. The idea is that for each time baby receives expressed milk from his or her care provider, mother is pumping. In doing this, mother should be able to pump the amount of milk that baby will consume the following day. Talk with a local breastfeeding specialist for a pumping schedule tailored to your work environment and other needs.
Discuss needed accommodations with employer — When a mother meets with her employer, she should be prepared by knowing her legal rights. A working-away-from- home mother should inform her employer of the needed accommodations before returning to work. The employer may need some time to make changes in order to accommodate the nursing mother. When the mother meets with her employer, she should provide her employer with a copy of her nursing schedule. This may also include pumping space accommodations. For example, the room where milk will be expressed needs to have an easy-to-access electrical outlet and should be heated and cooled.
Nurse on demand — Although a working mother must have a pumping schedule while at work, at home, she can nurse her baby on demand. Nursing on demand means that a nursing mother nurses when cued by the baby. This might be every 30 minutes or every 2 hours. Since how much milk produced is based on demand, a nursling can help increase a mother’s supply by nursing frequently. Nursing on demand also allows baby to re-establish the nursing bond that was missed during the day. Nursing on demand can continue during the night. Frequent night nursing may lead to reverse cycling, meaning the baby will nurse more frequently during the night than he or she does during the day. Some mothers who encourage reverse-cycling find that they don’t need to pump as much while at work during the day. For example, a baby may only drink 4-5 ounces of milk while his or her mother is at work, but the remaining amount of milk needed will be attained during the evening and all through the night. Essentially, in 24 hours, the baby will have consumed his or her total amount of milk needed.
Get support — Most nursing mothers need support throughout the breastfeeding journey, and nursing mothers that work away from home are no exception. La Leche League International and other nonprofit organizations provide local and online opportunities for mothers to connect and support each other.

While the end of maternity leave marks a transitional period for mother and baby, a strong nursing relationship can be maintained by carefully preparing for this changed and remaining dedicated to the desire to nourish baby with mother’s milk.

Reflecting on Earth Day through my family’s every day green choices

I hope you were able to reflect on ways to make changes in how you live during this year’s Earth Day on April 22. Having a baby has made me so conscious of every day choices I make for myself and my soon-to-be 4-year-old daughter. Parenting is a learning experience, and when I look back, indeed every day has been nothing short of a live classroom.

Before I was expecting, a local Earth Day event had really got me thinking of the power each of us holds to change things.

My family’s health has become my top-most priority, and eating well is a big part of that. We get farm-fresh milk from a local dairy, fresh vegetables from another farm and freshly baked goodies from local bakers. The rest, we cook at home most of the time.

We had always recycled, but we still generated some waste. That waste multiplied manifold when we had our baby and made me look for ways to reduce diaper waste. I found cloth diapers. We also have a compost bin in the backyard that helps us eliminate most of our remaining waste. The compost is used for our fruit trees and vegetable beds.

I love gardening with my kids, we use use grow tents for indoor gardening and they love it. My little daughter even know all the names of each plant we have.

The joy on our little one’s face when she plucks her own fruits and vegetables to eat is so immense that it keeps me going with gardening no matter how busy life may be. Sometimes, she just relaxes under the parasol and I realised how Parasols for your garden can be a boon on a scorching day.

Gardening is among the leading hobbies just about everywhere in the world. The popularity of gardening with the aid of home greenhouses online kits has caused an explosion of green house equipment and supplies designed for the hobby gardener. What was used only in commercial or institutional growing houses is now being used in the avid gardener’s own custom built greenhouse as well. Many of these supplies can be costly and it is necessary that you realize what you will need when planning a custom hobby greenhouse.

Growing your own produce, fruit and vegetables all year-round is making the basic gardener consider a hobby greenhouse for low cost sustainability. Hobby greenhouses, whether it is a kit, a lean-to or a stand alone greenhouse, are all great ways to become a part of this vast emergence due to the high costs of living and the concern for organic products and healthy choices.

Besides planning a place in your yard for your hobby greenhouse, the builder will guide your project through a professional and successful construction and installation process. Hobby, school and commercial greenhouses and greenhouse supplies are also items you will want to ask about in your planning stages.

For example, if you live in colder climates, you will want certain types of heating systems and particular materials in the greenhouse to aid your plants in healthy growth year round.

Misting and fog systems are common greenhouse equipment that is used in southern greenhouses and hot climates. Misting systems aid to cool greenhouses with a fine mist that depresses air temperatures when it evaporates. Greenhouse supplies for misting and fogging come in many sizes and costs and your greenhouse builder will also help you decide the proper size and will order it directly through his various sources.

Greenhouses provide a controlled environment for plant life by the common use of venting. This is where the vents are built into the greenhouse roof, and allow the heat to rise, or the mist to ascend. This allows most vegetation or floral to grow at the control of the gardener.

Another utility for healthy agricultural growth is with hydroponics. Hydroponics are usually a steel or plastic piping that allows the root to grow while it feeds on the nutrients in a water solution. No soil is necessary and the beauty of this method is the fact that it rids all plants of soil based disease and is more cost effective in the long run. Hydroponic greenhouses are growing in numbers within southern greenhouse regions. The greenhouse builder or manufacturer can either supply the hydroponics or they will point you in the right direction for setting up your hydroponic greenhouse.

While a custom built greenhouse is a permanent greenhouse due to size and land restrictions, lean-to and stand alone small greenhouses are good solutions.

Lighting for greenhouses are another greenhouse supply that you may wish to also include. Greenhouse lighting artificial lights may be required if your growing area does not provide adequate light. Grow lights are great for helping plants maintain healthy growth. It can also aid the grower in sprouting and germination of the select plant of choice.

There are also other greenhouse supply options that are useful, such as plant hangars, sprinklers, misting wands, extra doors, shelving, and greenhouse shades that roll over the roof of the greenhouse to provide more adequate shade solutions. PVC fittings, even greenhouse insulation and benches are also very popular.

If you live in an region with a short growing season, the cool weather can overtake crops like tomatoes and peppers when these would be at their peak. With greenhouses, you extend your short season so you are able to delight in the ability to have fresh vegetables longer.

Mini greenhouses, or very small greenhouses range in non-enter to small walk in greenhouses the size of a small coat closet. They are a great way to ease into greenhouse gardening. These are also built by the custom greenhouse builder and you can order kits as well. The kits may be simple inferior products due to the materials used, but at least it could be a simple solution to a new beginning in greenhouse gardening.

Anyone can grow plants, but to grow plants well takes a little knowledge, skill and the right equipment. Each city and on line resources offer excellent information on starting a greenhouse garden. A greenhouse creates the perfect atmosphere for plants to flourish; so many people are building greenhouses on their properties, and stocking them with the right greenhouse supplies.

One last type of greenhouse structure to consider is the luxury greenhouse. These are very large solarium’s and greenrooms, some with many stories and swimming pools, water fountains and foliage resembling that of a vacation hideaway. Again, ask your greenhouse builder for more information on building a luxury greenhouse and planning your custom greenhouse.

When we started solids, my daughter started daycare around the same time. I struggled with the reality of balancing life and work with the option of serving prepackaged food versus preparing fresh food. Eventually — between breast milk, some freshly prepared food and some store-bought jars — we found our balance.

Soon after our daughter’s first birthday, we bought our first house. The house came with a yard that was landscaped with native species of shrubs and trees. It attracted some rare species of birds that I have gotten to see thanks to our little one who encourages me to spend time outside with her, rain or shine. The freedom from having to water the yard even in the driest of Oregon summers is such an advantage.

Every new parent knows the amount of stuff we accumulate when babies arrive in our lives. Trying to fit all the stuff in an apartment when we had our baby made me very conscious of how much “baby stuff” I was going to get, either as gifts or buy on my own. I did not stop myself from buying something if I really liked it, but I had to make a conscious effort to say “no” to a lot of gifts. Moving into a house hasn’t changed much in terms of lack of storage space, and I continue to use stuff from close friends and pass down stuff to new families as soon as I get the opportunity.

Celebrating birthdays has been another occasion where I have put my green choices to great use. I call these “gift exchange” parties and encourage friends to bring used or recycled toys. I send home potted seedlings as return gifts that our friends’ children can plant to enjoy their fruits.

As a mother wanting to raise a like-minded daughter, I am already starting to reap the benefits of sowing these “seeds” of conscious living. My daughter saves her toys to give away to other little ones, and whenever the kitchen tap or shower faucet has running water flowing with full force, my little one reminds me to use it just as much as I need and to not waste too much water in the shower.

I hope you have been inspired to make some small every day changes in how you live to benefit the health of our Earth.

“Simplicity Parenting” with Kim John Payne

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Parental presence: A compromised human right

A little more than half of all babies in the United States — 53% — are born into families that income-qualify for WIC, a federal supplemental nutrition program that serves low-income pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding women and their children from birth to age 5 in the United States.

Think about that for a second: Half of all U.S. babies are born into low-income families, the population segment least likely to be able to take parental leave of any type — paid or unpaid — after the birth of a baby.

We like to think that the U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) covers all families so that even if a couple does not get paid maternity and paternity leave, they can at least take off some time from work without losing their jobs. This isn’t remotely true.

Unless you work for an employer with more than 50 employees within 75 miles of the company, you are not even guaranteed leave under FMLA after the birth of your baby — even unpaid. (There are some state laws that do guarantee maternity and paternity leave, usually unpaid, for companies with fewer employees, but there is nothing consistent from state to state.) That means that millions of moms, if they are not employed by large companies, risk losing their jobs if they stay home for the medically recommended 6 to 8 weeks following childbirth.

I’ve known moms who’ve been forced by their circumstances to go back to work at 1 week postpartum, or even sooner.

This is a tragedy of human rights in itself, but what does this do to the mother-baby bond?

Bonding time with a newborn in the early months isn’t just a “nice thing” to have or for a mom to get to do if she’s privileged enough. That mother-baby bond — whether secure, shaky or absent — has a significant impact on the trajectory of that child’s life…not only through childhood and in school, but who that child will grow up to be, what socioeconomic status he or she will have, and how he or she will be as a parent, employee and fellow member of society. Just think of what the future may hold for any of those 53% of U.S. babies born to mothers who are not even guaranteed time off from their jobs for even a week after childbirth — let alone the minimally acceptable 6 weeks that is still woefully short of what research shows to be the key bonding time during the newborn months.

Privilege shouldn’t have anything to do with parental leave — paid or unpaid. Because presence, or lack thereof, can have such great influence on the future of each baby born, parental leave is a human right that should be granted to every mother and father, and parental presence is a human right for every newborn baby.

So first the United States needs to work on guaranteeing that all parents have access to at least parental leave after the birth of a baby. But a very close second is to ensure that all parental leave is paid.

Right now, only 12% of U.S. workers in the private sector have access to paid family leave, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. This means that for the millions of moms whose jobs are protected under FMLA, they still likely cannot take off work for the 6 weeks to 3 months allowed because they cannot afford to do so. Their parental leave is not unprotected as is the case with many low-income parents whose jobs aren’t even covered by the FMLA, but it is still under-protected in that they cannot enjoy their full rights and their bonds with their infants may still suffer.

Our goal at Attachment Parenting International (API) is to keep the discussion on parental leave moving forward, while supporting mothers and fathers no matter whether they have access to paid or unpaid parental leave or even no leave. We were able to generate great momentum during our Attachment Parenting Month in October 2015 with activities centered on the theme of “Parental Presence: Birthing Families, Strengthening Societies.”

In the latest issue of The Attached Family, we provide a recap of these AP Month editorial pieces as well as a few new articles, with features on:

“5 Tips for Parents With — and Without — Access to Paid Parental Leave” by API Knowledgebase Coordinator Art Yuen, editor of the Journal of Attachment Parenting
“Who Will Baby Attach To?” by API Advisory Board member Sir Richard Bowlby, Bt, the son of the late John Bowlby who developed Attachment Theory
“Parental Presence, Real-life” by 5 API parents on how they made mostly unpaid parental leave work for their families to be able to prioritize their baby’s attachment needs
“Parental Leave Benefits Employers, Too” by journalist Stephanie Carson
“A Need for Paid Parental Leave” and “What Really Matters When It Comes to Daycare” by API Cofounders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson, coauthors of Attached at the Heart
“Moments to Cherish” by API blogger Yvette Lamb
“Parental Leave Isn’t a Privilege: It’s a Necessity” by API Executive Editor Rita Brhel
“18 Days of Presence Inspired” — a collection of quick tips and quotes compiled by AP Month Coordinator Kelly Johnson and other API Staff, to help keep your focus on the importance of parental presence for your child
“Partners in Presence” — a look at the 11 partners and sponsors who teamed up with API in adding to growing national and international discussions on the importance and logistics of paid parental leave.

We hope that this issue of The Attached Family will inspire you to find ways to balance your child’s attachment needs with your family’s financial needs, as well as to join in the national and international discussion on parental leave as a human right to be guaranteed to all families — no matter their employer size or personal financial resources.

Help API continue being able to offer The Attached Family free of charge as an online magazine to families around the world. API is a nonprofit organization and depends on your tax-deductible donations. Even $5 goes a long ways!

*Top photo source: FreeImages.com/Soňa Psotová

For the love of art, authenticity and our children’s dreams

“People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” ~ Thomas Merton, American writer

When my daughter was a toddler, an acquaintance asked me, “What would you like your daughter to be when she grows up?”

I paused. I understood the question, yet I was perplexed and slightly irritated. I responded, “You’re asking me what I would like her to be when she grows up? I’d like her to be happy and do whatever her heart desires.”

A few years later when it became apparent that my daughter’s talent and passion was with the art work, I was asked by a few well-intentioned family members if I was okay with her becoming an artist in the professional sense, pointing out the abiding stereotype of the hopeful, struggling, starving artist. When I replied that I would absolutely be okay with her choice, as I believe it’s essential for an individual to follow their innate talents and interests, I was met with a few raised eyebrows.

It’s not uncommon in our society for parents to persistently persuade or push their kids in the direction of a specific college degree or profession. Parents reason that those professions are more reputable or associated with higher incomes, or are in high demand — securing a job post-graduation.

Naturally, parents want their kids to succeed in life, struggle less and achieve more than they did themselves. We bear our own life experiences while navigating through parenthood: Our dreams, regrets, failures, achievements and successes are all engraved in us. Consciously or subconsciously, we project those experiences onto our kids. We ought to examine who we are and how it plays out in our parenting paradigm while recognizing and respecting who our kids are.

Being a pragmatic person, I realize that a career in the arts may not offer the perceived financial security or stability that other professions do. We need to manage reality and ensure our kids grow up to become adults who are well adjusted in this world and that includes being able to support themselves financially without struggles.

That said, being a mindful person, I recognize the importance of being an authentic person who possesses inner balance, contentment and peace. Hence, I think that an individual should feel free to elect a profession of their own choosing — a profession that speaks to who they are, nourishing their mind, heart and soul. We are all unique beings with different interests and aspirations, fulfilling different roles in our society — all of which make our world more colorful, diverse and interesting.

As I was gathering my thoughts on this topic, the controversial Old Navy toddler girl T-shirts surfaced at the end of December. I was troubled with the shirts reading “Young Aspiring ~~Artist~~,” with the word “artist” crossed out in exchange for “astronaut” or “president.”

Perhaps a better display on the T-shirts would have read “Young Aspiring _____” to leave the child free to fill in the blank.

Many people echoed my sentiments. Social media erupted in outrage with online users criticizing the retailer for oppressing and minimizing children’s creativity. Many wondered, “What message are we sending our young children?” and “Is being an artist not a suitable career path for our children?” In response to the backlash, Old Navy issued an apology and the T-shirts were discontinued and pulled off the shelf.

Re-reading Thomas Merton’s quote above, our role as parents is to guide our kids to find their way to the wall they gravitate toward, rather than direct them to the one we perceive would be the right one for them.

Maybe my daughter will not become an artist after all. Life is full of twists and turns. But what I do know is that I will walk alongside her on her path, lending her my support and advice…because it is on her path that she will find and climb her own ladder, the one leaning against the wall that is her calling.

Editor’s pick: To promote breastfeeding is to promote Attachment Parenting

This week’s article is a new breastfeeding report published Jan. 28 in The Lancet.

This medical journal feature has already received a lot of attention in the media, and rightfully so. According to the report, universal breastfeeding has the potential to save the lives of 823,000 children and 20,000 mothers each year through fewer infections, and protection against obesity, diabetes and cancer. For those who see the world through dollar signs, that’s an annual economic savings of $300 billion — not a minor amount.

But this is nothing new. The Lancet‘s report is just another in a long list of scientific and editorial articles that underscore the overwhelming evidence in favor of breastfeeding, both in terms of public health and economic gains.

Breastfeeding is one of those relatively few social changes that can provide huge benefits for a lot less money than other interventions — just like Attachment Parenting.

Interestingly, as The Lancet reminds us, breastfeeding is one of the few positive health behaviors more common in poor countries than in wealthy nations. In poor countries, most infants are breastfeeding at 1 year. In most high-income countries, less than 20% of infants are still breastfed at 1 year. In the United Kingdom, that rate is less than 1%!

What is evident looking at the breastfeeding rates per geographic region is that culture matters — as does access to formula.

“The reasons why women avoid or stop breastfeeding range from the medical, cultural and psychological to physical discomfort and inconvenience,” according to The Lancet. “These matters are not trivial, and many mothers without support turn to a bottle of formula. Multiplied across populations and involving multinational commercial interests, this situation has catastrophic consequences on breastfeeding rates and the health of subsequent generations.”

Just looking at these statistics from The Lancet, I conclude that a mother in a poor nation is more likely to live in a culture that expects breastfeeding to 1 year or beyond. She is less likely to have access to formula if she has breastfeeding challenges. And she is much more likely to either have knowledgeable breastfeeding support in her social circles or, if the breastfeeding specialist-to-mother ratio is similar to that of a wealthy nation, those breastfeeding supports are not having to compete with rampant cultural influence from formula companies and other cultural breastfeeding hurdles, such as unpaid maternity leave.

I only need to look around, living in the United States and working as a WIC breastfeeding counselor, to know the reality here. Our Western society does not expect breastfeeding for 1 year or beyond. Breastfeeding rates quickly drop off after 6 weeks, when many mothers return to work — including a huge portion of low-income mothers who cannot afford to take off work for even the medically recommended minimum 6 weeks. Breastfeeding longer is seen more as a privilege of those fortunate to be able to stay at home with their children or have flexible jobs. Alternatively, breastfeeding to 1 year — especially beyond 1 year — is viewed as unneeded and perhaps even inappropriate to toddler development.

(Don’t believe it, moms! The research is clear: Breastfeeding continues to provide great benefits to babies and toddlers as long as they breastfeed, even if they are eating solid food well. And where there’s a will, there’s a way: Not in every case, but in most, if you want to continue breastfeeding once you return to work, the laws can make it happen. And if you’re employed by a business or organization not covered by breastfeeding laws, even these small employers are growing more understanding of breastfeeding benefits and family-work balance. Talk to your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor, or other breastfeeding specialist for more information.)

Likewise, a mother here has plenty of access to formula. There are programs to provide formula to those who income-qualify, and for those who do not, formula companies have no qualms about providing free formula in hospital “new baby” bags or sending free samples to your doorstep. After a long night of a seemingly never-satisfied baby on a growth spurt, that formula can start looking more appealing, especially with advertising claiming formula to be just as good as breastfeeding or at least a good alternative.

(When counseling moms, I like to say that it’s good we have formula when its needed, but it’s important to remember that formula is a breastmilk substitute. It is not anywhere the equivalent of breastmilk, especially when combined with the act of breastfeeding. As a mom who had to supplement at times while breastfeeding my first two babies, I’m glad that I had formula when I needed it, but it did not and could not — scientifically nor anecdotally — take the place of breastfeeding. Again, for moms with breastfeeding questions, contact your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor or other breastfeeding specialist. They are a wealth of knowledge and, as moms themselves, have been there, done that. Those growth spurts — at about 7-10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months — can trick even experienced mothers, especially that sneaky 3-week growth spurt…from personal experience!)

And, while breastfeeding support is ever-widening in the United States, there is still more support needed to combat the cultural leanings toward formula. A good start here would be the U.S. fully embracing the WHO Code, which restricts the marketing of formula.

I realize this is a tall order for a capitalist economy. But, as The Lancet reports, it is despite — or perhaps because of — the lack of paid maternity leave in the U.S. that the Affordable Care Act provides protected nursing and pumping breaks and insurance coverage of breast pumps, which The Lancet predicts could increase breastfeeding rates by 25%.

Little by little, with every completed nursing session — as moms work through both the innate challenges of getting a good latch, establishing an abundant milk supply and any other technicalities of breastfeeding as well as the cultural challenges of returning to work, striving toward that 1-year breastfeeding goal and not giving in to the temptation of formula — breastfeeding rates will continue to climb.

And with every mom-and-baby pair that successfully works through breastfeeding challenges and reaches their goals, Attachment Parenting is getting that much more of a foothold in our culture. Successful breastfeeding embodies a mother-child relationship built on the framework of a secure attachment. Breastfeeding is the ultimate teacher in what a secure attachment relationship looks like — the give and take of a healthy relationship — to a new mother. To promote breastfeeding, which is included in Attachment Parenting International‘s Second Principle of Parenting: Feed with Love and Respect, is to promote Attachment Parenting.

** Photo source: FreeImages.com/agastecheg

And we said bye-bye to breastfeeding

This holiday season, my 3-1/2-year-old daughter and I said bye-bye to our breastfeeding relationship on a very happy note. Here is how it worked for us:

When my daughter turned 2 years old, every now and then I talked about weaning, but she wanted to continue the morning and bedtime nursings. Then, on Thanksgiving weekend at the end of November, our weaning time came.

With a bad cold, she had been nursing a couple times at night in the 7 to 10 days before. One of these mornings I had sore nipples, and I told her I was hurting so she should be gentle. To my surprise, she just licked both sides and called it done. The following morning, she wanted to just cuddle, talk and sing before starting our day.

The first two nights after this, I intentionally avoided our bedtime routine — which she had been okay with on some recent weekends — because she was very tired, having missed her naps at daycare. The third night, after our usual night routine — to my amazement — she said she didn’t want “amma duddhu” (mommy’s milk)! I knew then that she was done.

And we said bye-bye:

And we said bye-bye to “amma duddhu.”
You didn’t cry, nor did I —
One small step, one big moment,
To let go of this elixir so potent!

And we said bye-bye to “amma duddhu.”
You were ready, and so was I —
A moment to pause, and celebrate,
So many to thank and dedicate!

And we said bye-bye to “amma duddhu,”
Like your first walk, like your first talk,
This was surely one milestone,
On this parenting voyage, a large capstone!

And we said bye-bye to “amma duddhu.”
When so many said you were too old to nurse
And questioned why I continued to nurse,
You affirmed our bond like a poem or verse!

Thanks for choosing me, your amma!