Attachment Parenting International – Page 8

WBW 2015: Who is the woman in pink?

When this photograph was taken, 26 years ago, there was no such thing as the Internet. Cameras were film only. There were no cell phones or laptops. If you wanted to make a phone call while on the road, you had to first find a pay phone booth. And if you wanted to make a phone call at home, you had to stretch the cord connecting you to the wall around the corner to get any privacy. Mainstream parenting advice wasn’t particularly warm, fueled by a widespread fear of spoiling children, but parents who wanted another perspective could get it through a print subscription of Mothering magazine.

And while more mothers were breastfeeding back then than a couple decades before, lactation consulting was still gaining a foothold in medical practice. The International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiners, which certifies lactation consultants, was still in its infancy, having been founded in 1985. Really, the only reliable source of breastfeeding education and support anywhere was La Leche League (LLL) with its expansive network of mother-to-mother support groups, many in small and rural communities.

This image was captured in 1989 at a LLL conference in Anaheim, California, USA. The young woman in this photograph — do you recognize her? (Keep reading to find out who this mystery mom is!) — was breastfeeding Stephen, the baby in the arms of Viola Lennon, one of LLL’s seven cofounders and coauthor of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.

The world said a sad goodbye to Viola in 2010 when she passed away at the age of 86. She was the mother of 10 children and had learned how to breastfeed from her own mother before attending the founding meeting for LLL in 1956. She went on to serve LLL in many ways, including Board chairman and Development Director. LLL quotes Viola saying:

“Breastfeeding…led me to self-discovery and to a greater appreciation of the full humanity of the babies who were entrusted to me. Each woman needs to trust her own instincts, her own feelings and her own sense of what will work for her with each baby. Women in the 1950s had forgotten the wisdom of previous generations in relation to breastfeeding. Mothers who tried to breastfeed on their own were almost always destined to fail. The neighbors sent their children to watch me breastfeed, because they knew the children would not see it anywhere else!”

LLL, from the beginning, nudged parents toward a gentler, more biological way of relating to their children. Breastfeeding itself is rooted in a secure parent-child attachment bond; breastfeeding cannot be successful in any other way. No doubt, the very beginnings of the Attachment Parenting movement are rooted in LLL. Very significantly, Attachment Parenting International (API) credits LLL as part of our foundation. API’s cofounders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson were LLL Leaders before they conceived the idea of API in 1994, most influenced by a speaker they heard at an LLL conference about the importance of secure attachment on child development: Dr. Elliott Barker of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children explained how every violent criminal he had encountered had a history of extreme separation and insecure attachment as a child. As LLL continued to focus primarily on breastfeeding as its mission, API was able to take up Attachment Parenting as its mission.

LLL influenced others apart from Lysa and Barbara to educate and support parents in Attachment Parenting, many who soon joined in encouraging API’s growth and development. Among them is pediatrician and API Advisory Board member Dr. William Sears and his wife, API Board of Directors member Martha Sears, a nurse and mother to their eight children. Bill and Martha Sears had first published The Baby Book — considered a parenting bible by families around the world — in 1992, and would go on to become two of the most recognized names in parenting.

Three years before, in 1989, a young Martha was sitting on a couch with Viola as they admired Stephen. I wonder if Martha had any idea at that point what her future would hold?

Thank you, Martha, for breastfeeding your babies…for becoming a LLL Leader…for coauthoring parenting books that questioned the status quo…and for going on to encourage mothers worldwide to reclaim the wisdom of previous generations in both breastfeeding and parenting in a sensitive, nurturing, gentle, attachment-minded way. You have made a difference in the world! And we recognize you this World Breastfeeding Week!

Ready for World Breastfeeding Week 2015?

Attachment Parenting International (API) is pleased to announce that we are taking part in World Breastfeeding Week, Aug. 1-7. Check daily for posts about how women are making breastfeeding work for them and supporting others in their motherhood journeys.

The 2015 theme of World Breastfeeding Week is “Breastfeeding and Work: Let’s Make It Work!” This annual observance is coordinated by the World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action (WABA), which has issued this statement:

This World Breastfeeding Week, WABA calls for concerted global action to support women to combine breastfeeding and work. Whether a woman is working in the formal, non-formal or home setting, it is necessary that she is empowered in claiming her and her baby’s right to breastfeed.

The WBW 2015 theme on working women and breastfeeding revisits the 1993 World Breastfeeding Week campaign on the Mother-Friendly Workplace Initiative. Much has been achieved in 22 years of global action supporting women in combining breastfeeding and work, particularly the adoption of the revised International Labour Organization Convention 183 on Maternity Protection with much stronger maternity entitlements, and more country actions on improving national laws and practices. At the workplace level, we have also seen more actions taken to set up breastfeeding- or mother-friendly workplaces including awards for breastfeeding-friendly employers, as well as greater mass awareness on working women’s rights to breastfeed.

The Innocenti Declaration (1990) recognized that breastfeeding provides ideal nutrition for infants and contributes to their healthy growth and development. There is much that remains to be done despite 25 years of hard work, particularly on the fourth Innocenti target that calls on governments to ‘…enact imaginative legislation protecting the breastfeeding rights of working women and establish means for its enforcement.’

WABA calls for:

Concerted global action to support women to combine breastfeeding and work, whether in the formal sector, non-formal sector, or at home

Ratification and implementation of maternity protection laws and regulations by governments, in line with the ILO Maternity Protection Convention

Inclusion of breastfeeding target indicators in the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs)

With the World Breastfeeding Week 2015 campaign, WABA and its partners at global, regional and national levels aim to empower and support all women, working in both the formal and informal sectors, to adequately combine work with childrearing, particularly breastfeeding. We define work in its broadest form from paid employment, self-employment, seasonal and contract work to unpaid home and care work.

Various strategies exist to support women working in your country or community from long-term actions to short-term actions. Together, we can make it work!

This week, API’s celebration of World Breastfeeding Week will honor a collection of inspiring mothers who are dedicated to supporting mothers in breastfeeding no matter their lifestyle choices. A few of the upcoming posts to look forward to:

A tribute to Martha Sears, coauthor of many of the Sears parenting books
The role breastfeeding plays in baby’s gut health and what that means for overall health not only in childhood but adulthood
The role of historical trauma in breastfeeding rates among tribal women.

Check in tomorrow, Aug. 1, for our first installment of 2015 World Breastfeeding Week!

How else does Attachment Parenting look like in your home?

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) advocates for a parenting approach rooted solidly in research, and continuing research further validates and builds upon API’s foundation.

In June, you were asked to help tell your story through a survey created by Southern Methodist University (SMU) researchers in collaboration with API. We are thrilled to report that more than 1,200 parents participated in this first-ever survey on what Attachment Parenting (AP) actually looks like in the home! THANK YOU! This essential data will help expand our objective understanding of Attachment Parenting. Parents from 49 states and 37 countries responded, and we can’t wait to share preliminary data in early 2016.

Have more to say? Many of you told us that the multiple choice was too limiting, so we’ve created a short, open-ended set of questions designed to hear everything you want to tell us about the first survey and your AP experience. As always, responses are anonymous.

Thanks again for helping us tell the AP story!

Artimesia Yuen, API Leader
Editor, Journal of Attachment Parenting
API KnowledgeBase Coordinator

What does your family’s attachment look like?

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) advocates for a parenting approach rooted solidly in research, and continuing research further validates and builds upon API’s foundation.

Please complete a brief, anonymous survey (access using your API Forum login) regarding your experiences with family members and relationships. It is hoped that the information gathered will help move the psychological research and therapeutic community forward regarding the complex needs of today’s families.

The survey should take no more than 10 minutes of your time, and will contribute to a more detailed understanding of what helps — and hinders — familial relationships. Should you desire, the principal researcher will be happy to share the findings with you.

In addition, if you know of any other individuals who could offer input through participation, please feel free to share. Email me with any questions.

Thank you for your time, consideration and help with providing a more current and detailed understanding of family needs today.

Jenn Lewis, MS
PhD student at Northcentral University in Arizona, USA

Expecting your first baby? Talk about parenting now, before baby arrives

Henry and Isabel had been married for 3 years when they found out they were expecting their first child.

They had dated for 4 years in college before getting married, and they were sure that they knew everything about each other. They were very excited about becoming parents and did everything the parenting magazines suggested: attended birth classes, completed registries, attended baby showers, interviewed pediatricians and pored over to-do lists to ensure that their house was ready for their new arrival. Isabel gushed to anyone willing to listen that Henry was going to be the best father in the world and that this baby was going to be the best thing to ever happen to them. You need to make sure everything is prepared in advance before the baby arrives, the baby room, the night monitor, anti-allergic Dapple detergent for baths i.e

In the delivery room, the doctors and nurses raised concerns about Isabel’s desire to birth naturally. Henry was raised by a doctor and learned to always defer to the medical community. So when the doctors recommended a Cesarean section, Henry was ready to get scrubbed and don the surgical attire. Everything happened so fast that Isabel never had a chance to voice her fears and concerns.

Isabel’s mom was waiting for them when they got home and immediately started taking care of her daughter and new granddaughter. Henry wasn’t sure what to do. He seemed to be constantly in the way, what with all the visitors and help they were getting, and he started feeling like a third wheel. He decided he would go back to work since Isabel seemed to have plenty of support. It’s important to have a rattan bassinet Australia for the baby to sleep comfortable.

After the extra help went away, Henry didn’t know what his role should be. Isabel was breastfeeding, the baby slept in their bed, and Isabel seemed to have all the answers. Henry had moved down the hall to the guest room, so he would get enough sleep for work. The baby needed Isabel all the time, so he decided he would just put in more hours at the office, because after all, it was his job to provide for his family. He was a father now.

Isabel, on the other hand, had slipped into postpartum depression. After everyone left, she was isolated because she was too afraid to breastfeed in public and never left the house. All her friends had disappeared, because they didn’t have kids and they didn’t understand why she couldn’t just leave the baby and go out with them. Isabel was angry about her C-section and resented Henry for his willingness to do whatever the doctors suggested. Isabel now described Henry as an uninvolved father whose only interest was advancing his career.

Three months after the baby’s arrival, Isabel and Henry were headed for divorce.

Henry and Isabel fell into parenting patterns as a reaction to their daughter’s birth, because they had not discussed what parenthood would be like and how they would face the challenges. In their 7 years together, they had never shared what they thought a father’s or mother’s role should look like or how they would support one another. They jumped in blind, and the whirlwind and emotional roller coaster of parenting led them down a hole of loneliness, misunderstanding and resentment.

There is never a better time to get to know your partner or spouse on a deeper level than when you are expecting a child. In every family are 2 very separate adults, each with different upbringings, different world views and different experiences. The time and energy you have for intimate conversations now may be missing for years once the baby is born. Before baby comes is the time to really look into Attachment Parenting International‘s First Principle of Parenting — when you can think clearly and begin to look at some of your childhood wounds, identify areas that may be difficult as you raise your own children, share your insights with your partner and become a team as you enter the uncharted waters of parenthood.

Many new parents don’t make the time for these conversations. Like Henry and Isabel, you may get caught up in the minor details of parenthood: where baby will sleep, what stroller to buy, how you will spend time together after baby is born, how you will keep up with your friends. These are what I call “surface conversations,” because they are safe and fun. They are part of the joy of expectant parenthood. But these plans may go awry when baby actually arrives. You cannot predict what this new person will be like and how that will change your plans.

I remember going crib shopping during my first pregnancy, insisting that we needed a crib, a play yard, a bassinet and fancy strollers. In my head, the baby would be breastfed and rocked, then laid down to fall asleep. I would go for long walks, hand-in-hand with my husband, with our baby in the stroller. Me and my husband also where thinking about signing our baby on after hours daycare because we are going to need to work more hours to maintain our kids.

As it turned out, my daughter would only sleep while nestled in someone’s arms. The crib and play yard quickly became fancy laundry baskets. In order to stay asleep, the baby had to be in someone’s arms, which led to shift sleeping for my husband and me until her system finally calmed enough so that she could sleep when not in motion.

Even though our plans for our daughter to sleep in the bassinet were thrown out the window, our value of always meeting her nighttime needs didn’t change at all. We had decided before she was born that we would always respond to her, that we would never use the cry-it-out method, and that we would stay in the same bed as a couple. Our original picture of how that would play out with cribs and play yards was easily cast to the side to accommodate our larger goals. And as our family has grown and tested us in new ways, we have been able to constantly ask one another for help to achieve our bigger goals, aware of the hurts we are trying to heal in the process and knowing that we are a team working towards a joint goal that we set together.

When the realities of new parenthood set in, you will be thankful you didn’t stop at the surface conversation. You will be glad you kept talking after the discussion about what crib to buy turned into a discussion about how your parents handled sleep and how you felt when you were left alone when you were scared, or how good it feels when you can reach across and hold your husband’s hand when you’ve had a nightmare.

Go under the surface and explore the big goals of parenting and your own emotional wounds from childhood. By having these conversations, you begin to understand where you and your partner are vulnerable, what your likely triggers may be and what kind of support you may need from each other along the way. You can also take time to review current research together, from a variety of sources, about birth, sleep, discipline, infant daycare and other aspects of parenting you find important. If you take the time while you are expecting to talk about your most important goals and values, then when the big day finally arrives, you will have a joint vision in mind, making the start of parenting much smoother.

Start your parenting conversation today:

What is your favorite childhood memory?
What kind of relationship do you have with your parents and why?
What were the rules in your house when you were little? Which ones are important to you, and which ones do you want to let go?
What emotional wounds do you still carry from your childhood?
When you misbehaved or got into trouble as a child, how did your parents discipline you, and do you think that helped you to change your behavior? What might have worked better?
How did your parents relate to one another when you were around? What do you want to do similarly, and what do you want to do differently?
What are your fears and worries about childbirth and parenting?
What traits do you value in yourself and your spouse? Are there traits you wish you had that you want your children to have?
What are the most important values, behaviors and attitudes you want to bring to parenting?
How has current research and information about parenting changed some of the beliefs you held about parenting and the way you want to parent?

This Father’s Day: Dads, talk about being a father

Happy Father’s Day!

Today we celebrate you, Dads, for your role and involvement in your children’s lives. This is your holiday, when you can truly relish in the profound impact you make in your child’s life. It is amazing the difference a father can make for a child: from the moment a baby is conceived, through Dad’s presence from birth through today and beyond, well into the years – and decades – to come, as the children grow into teens and move out on their own, becoming adults with perhaps little ones of their own.

Dads, your secure attachment with each of your children can give them so much. It’s crucial that dads take as much time as possible to be with their families and to be equal partners in raising their sons and daughters throughout childhood.

But let’s be honest: Our culture is not always so friendly toward fatherhood. Sure, this time of the year, there is a lot of media — from blog posts and news articles like The New York Times‘ “Tapping Your Inner Wolf” to TV commercials — about the appreciation of fathers, but how much do we hear about the importance of Dad the rest of the year?

There’s no doubt that the cultural attitude toward attached fathers is changing. I interviewed longtime Mothering editor and author Peggy O’Mara, who recalled how much more nurturing fathers are today compared to the 1970s when she was raising her children. Today, fathers are encouraged to attend prenatal appointments, expected to be in the hospital delivery room during childbirth and have an active role in caring for the newborn, including taking paternity leave provided and protected by law. In some countries, like Sweden, as illustrated in the breastfeeding documentary The Milky Way, whose producers spoke at API’s 20th Anniversary conference last year, it is culture that discourages dads from choosing to return to work quickly after a baby’s birth. And now, even in the United States, employers are increasingly offering fathers paid parental leave when a baby is born.

But for all the cultural change that has occurred in promoting more father involvement with their newborns — which is wonderful! — this encouragement markedly diminishes as the infant ages. In time, the mother is who is expected in our culture to take the central role in raising the children, despite the mother’s and child’s continued need for an attached father in an equally central parenting role.

This year we gave our fathers some really cool custom Dad hats that they loved. My husband got a Star Wars one, because he has been obsessed with the new movies.

Here’s reality: Although our culture doesn’t always recognize it, fathers are striving to be part of that central role throughout their child’s life. They want to be attached and involved. We just don’t hear a lot about it in the media, except of course around Father’s Day.

So, Dads, this Father’s Day: Talk about being a father. Talk about what it means to you to be attached to your children, to be involved in their lives, to be present in their moments. Dads, talk about Attachment Parenting (AP) and why it matters to you, as a father, to raise your children with a secure attachment.

Attachment Parenting International (API) has many dads who volunteer to share their stories and support other dads, such as API Advisory Board members Dr. Bill Sears of San Clemente, California, USA, and Sir Richard Bowlby of the UK; Torsten Klaus, also of the UK; API Leader Thiago Quieroz of Rio, Brazil; Jim Parker of Nashville, Tennessee, USA; Dave Taylor of Denver, Colorado, USA; and John Brooks of Marin County, California, USA.

But there are many more fathers who are just as strong of AP advocates in their everyday lives by choosing to not be shy about talking about Attachment Parenting, to their friends and family, coworkers, and other fathers at the park, grocery store, kid’s ball game, church or school. API Leaders Alexis Schrader of Albany, California, USA, and Samantha Gray (also API’s Executive Director) of Bluff City, Tennessee, USA, have both shared about their husbands’ behind-the-scenes AP advocacy, on the job and among friends. These dads have a great influence on other fathers in their communities.

It’s time for AP dads to start talking about fatherhood. Start advocating for your role in the family. Write a blog post for APtly Said. If you’re not a blogger, no problem: There are many ways to volunteer with API. Submit photos of you with your family for use in API’s publications to help us better show that the world of Attachment Parenting is as much about Dad’s relationship with the kids as Mom. Even showing up at your local API Support Group meetings can make a huge amount of difference in encouraging other fathers to get involved. The majority of parents who attend API Support Group meetings are mothers. Dads, we know you’re out there — other dads need to know you’re there, too.

Every effort counts. Every positive comment made by a father matters, whether in passing or by offering active support to another dad friend. Every blog post about AP fathering makes a difference. Every minute a dad spends advocating for Attachment Parenting – whether casually or in a bold way, like NBA player Steph Curry bringing his daughter to his press conference – means more acknowledgement of the importance of attached, involved fatherhood.

Every action on your part – big or small, publicly or behind-the-scenes – helps continue to change the face of parenting in our culture, to identify fathers more and more as legitimate parenting partners, because you already have that role in your family and you should be recognized for it in our culture!

Attachment Parenting and siblings

I am often amazed at how well my children get along. They are 9, 7 and 3 years old and each have very close, warm, secure and unique bonds with one another that very much enhance our family.

My 9-year-old and 7-year-old daughters are 16 months apart. They are each others’ best friends, whether at home, softball practice, 4-H contests or school. They protect one another, tell each other secrets, share many of the same interests and respect each others’ differences.

Yet, neither ever leave their 3-year-old brother out of the mix. Though my 9-year-old tends to take more of a protective, teacher role in her relationship with her brother, she isn’t overbearing, letting him explore the world at his own pace. My 7-year-old daughter is as drawn to physical play, from playing tag and climbing trees to building forts and making tunnels in the sand, as her brother…while my 9 year old is more likely to be found reading books to her brother, guiding him on how to plant the beans in the garden or teaching him how to use the insect net.

Oh, my children still have conflict. This is inevitable in any relationship, but it is important to remember that conflict can be healthy. As children learn how to manage their strong emotions in an attachment-oriented way, conflict grows relationships. Through conflict resolution, each child’s needs can be met while each learns more about the other as well as how to accept differences without threatening the bond.

I am intentional through Attachment Parenting (AP) in raising my children to have strong attachments to one another, and I will continue to be intentional as they move into their teen years and eventually adulthood. It is my goal that when they leave my home, that they continue the friendships they are starting now in their early and middle childhoods — and have the skills to quickly re-establish their sibling relationships when strained by life changes — in order to enjoy secure sibling attachments lifelong.

In the latest issue of The Attached Family, we at Attachment Parenting International (API) explore “Attached Siblings” with features on:

The developmental process of secure sibling attachments, written by API Leader and certified positive discipline educator Kelly Bartlett
How Attachment Parenting has helped API Leader Lisa Feiertag’s daughters to easily develop a close relationship with one another
AP Canada founder, parent educator and author Judy Arnall’s personal story of her journey from a punishment-based discipline style to parenting without punishment — a critical piece of Attachment Parenting
How Attachment Parenting provides “tools” to create an adopted child’s capacity for secure attachment, written by adoption counselor Robert Allen Hafertz.

We hope that this issue of The Attached Family will inspire your efforts in encouraging secure attachments among your children.

We welcome your stories of Attachment Parenting in your family, including the benefits and challenges in your children’s sibling relationships.

If you are seeking support in this area of parenting, begin by reading through API’s Sibling Bonding resource page and API Reads’ archived Siblings Without Rivalry discussion. Also, feel free to contact your local API Leader (or API Warmline for parents without a local API Support Group) or start a thread on the API Neighborhood forums.

What does Attachment Parenting look like in your home?

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) advocates for a parenting approach rooted solidly in research, and continuing research further validates and builds upon API’s foundation.

Help us tell your story! Describe what Attachment Parenting (AP) looks like in your home through this landmark, definitional survey designed to provide ground-breaking insights about AP families.

Created by researchers at Southern Methodist University in collaboration with API, the survey is voluntary, confidential, anonymous and takes about 40 minutes to complete.

Thank you for helping us tell the AP story!

Artimesia Yuen, API Leader
Editor, Journal of Attachment Parenting
API KnowledgeBase Coordinator