Respond with Sensitivity – Page 26

Getting through the Paris attacks with an old neighbor

On November 13, 2015 — as I pushed through the realities of daily life with two young children — I coped with a lot of emotion: fear for my sister-in-law, who was in Paris on business…relief when she let us know she was unharmed…and sadness that something so horrible could happen.

As I scrolled through Facebook the next morning, I happened upon a post of inspiring quotes from Fred Rogers.

I’m a bit obsessed with Mr. Rogers. Like many of us, I watched his public children’s television show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, every day when I was young. When I became pregnant with my second child, I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness), so I reluctantly allowed my older daughter more screentime than I would have liked while I was incapacitated. The slow pace, and gentle, educational content of Mr. Rogers’ show allayed many of my concerns about my toddler watching TV. I started researching Fred Rogers, a wonderfully loving man in all aspects of his life. I ended up buying books of his quotes and insights, and look to them frequently for inspiration. His love and acceptance of all people is an ideal I try to live up to everyday.

I opened the article. Mr. Rogers got me through preschool, a difficult pregnancy and the challenges of daily life. He could get me through Paris.

And he did:

“When I was a boy and would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers in this world.” ~ Fred Rogers

As a mother and API Leader, Attachment Parenting is often on my mind — but usually in a very immediate sense. I answer questions about bedsharing and breastfeeding. I use positive discipline to get through a toddler’s tantrum. Mr. Rogers reminded me of why I chose Attachment Parenting in the first place: to raise empathic children who will be the helpers of this world…because what this world really needs is more people who grew up feeling deeply what Mr. Rogers always told us:

“I like you just the way you are.”

(Photo of Fred Rogers from Snappy New Day.com)

I am a present father

Attachment Parenting (AP) helps me every day to be a present father.

I am the father of 2 little boys: Dante, almost 3, and Gael, a 6-month-old baby. Right after my first son was born, I discovered Attachment Parenting. It made so much sense to me that it inspired me to not only become an API Leader and create an API Support Group here in Brazil — API Rio — but also to write and speak about Attachment Parenting.

Personally, the greatest thing about Attachment Parenting is that it helped me to find my way in my own parenthood. AP helped to show me how I could be the father I wanted to be. AP guided me to where I could find my place as an active and conscious father — an attached father.

I obviously can’t give birth or breastfeed, but I can foster the secure attachment I want to build with my sons through a whole lot of other actions. I can listen to my child’s cry and take his needs seriously, especially because a baby cries not only because he is hungry but also scared, too cold, too hot, tired, hurting or anything else. I can also carry my son in slings and sleep next to him at night.

Everything I learn about Attachment Parenting helps me understand my role as an involved father, not a mere helper. Being a father is way beyond just performing tasks and helping out. It is all about caregiving.

As kids grow, discipline starts taking a major place in our daily lives. I could do like other men and delegate the responsibility to the mothers and other caregivers, but Attachment Parenting shows me how I could take responsibility through positive discipline instead. I participate in understanding how the behavior of my kids reflect their needs and feelings. I get to genuinely help my older son get through frustration and temper tantrums. I get to be an empathic human being.

This is why I am so grateful to Attachment Parenting: It helps me to assume my real role and responsibilities as a father.

Nurturing peace, in our parenting and for our world

“Raising children with secure attachments and empathic hearts is essential to the future of mankind.” ~ GreatNonprofits

Is world peace possible?

When we talk about the potential for Attachment Parenting (AP) to change the world, we are referring to a ripple effect: Our children growing up to be compassionate and empathic, becoming parents who foster secure attachments with their children, whose children then grow up to repeat the cycle of peaceful living both in and out of the home.

Just as what our society experienced with La Leche League International’s breastfeeding revolution, begun more than 50 years ago, we at Attachment Parenting International (API) hope to be looking at a different kind of society in coming generations — one where disconnection is discouraged and healthy, securely attached relationships are valued above competition and shame.

API is working every day to better support and educate parents on establishing and maintaining secure parent-child attachments. And parents are striving every day to put API’s Eight Principles of Parenting to practice in their relationships with their children.

Many parents understand the challenge of adopting the new mindset needed to fully grasp how Attachment Parenting works. This parenting approach requires looking at the world, your child, your role as a parent and the way you live through a different lens — one that not everyone is able to see. API’s core ethos is a frame of mind that we promote as a practice: respect, empathy, compassion and reflection in thought, speech and action toward yourself and others.

We believe that parents who practice these habits of mind will tend to practice parenting in ways that resemble API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. Likewise, we believe that parents who practice the behaviors included in API’s Eight Principles of Parenting are capable and more likely to practice API’s ethos.

Once you “get” API’s ethos, Attachment Parenting can become much easier, much more “natural.” I liken it to stepping into an alternate reality of sorts. You’re able to view the world, your community, your home, your and others’ relationships in a whole new way and you can then make life choices from a point of compassion, trust, empathy and peace.

Our society tends to shy away from the concept of peace. To many, the idea of world peace is seen to be purely idealistic. We know it as the standard answer of pageant girls competing for Miss America. We also know that there are numerous ways touted to be the answer for world peace, from literacy to racial equality to democracy to certain religions. In reality, for world peace to be attainable, it must take a combination of factors from all levels of society. To many people, that may seem impossible.

Yet peace is what all of our souls crave. It is a sense of contentment, safety and security. It is a joy that doesn’t follow emotional highs and lows, that doesn’t fade when the excitement of instant gratification falls away. Peace allows us to feel centered and to find our balance quickly when we lose our equilibrium. Peace gives us a sense of purpose and control of our life’s direction. When living in peace, people have space in their lives to focus on bettering not only their lives but those around them.

But peace can be elusive. Many people simply do not know how to get to a place of peace in their lives.

For parents who come to API seeking support and education about Attachment Parenting, we offer a way. Secure attachment, promoted through API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, can help families find peace. A person whose attachment needs are met is able to think beyond the basic, day-to-day physical and mental survival and the “need” of trying to keep up with the hectic pace of society, in order to experience greater personal well-being and family enjoyment.

API is doing its part in promoting world peace. We truly believe in our mission to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world. And we truly believe in parents’ ability to do just that — to raise their children to be secure, full of joy, with the ability to empathize with and show compassion to others.

In the latest issue of The Attached Family, we explore “Nurturing Peace,” both in ourselves and our children, with features on:

Conscious Living with Lisa Reagan, a member of API’s Resource Advisory Council, editor of Kindred and cofounder of Families for Conscious Living – through whom we learn about the inspiration for this issue’s cover, “the Blue Marble,” and how each of us are involved in public policy everyday of our lives just by living the choices we make…such how we choose to take parental leave after the birth of our baby
How to talk to our children about world tragedies, why its important for our children’s development to protect them from adult concerns and what our children actually hear when parents mention starving children in Africa to try to convince their children to finish the food on their plates — by Tamara Brennan, executive director of the Sexto Sol Center
The Dynamic of Disappearing Dads with Meryn Callander, author of Why Dads Leave – through whom we learn the generational result of disconnected parenting of boys, and how wives and partners can better support new fathers in healing their emotional wounds to be able to bond with their baby and fulfill their role in the family.
ACEs with Jane Stevens, founder of ACES Too High and ACEs Connection Network – through whom we learn what ACEs are, how they are just as prevalent among families in poverty as well as middle class, and how resilience-building practices such as Attachment Parenting can both heal and protect people from the consequences of ACEs.

We hope that this issue of The Attached Family will inspire your efforts to nurture peace within yourself, your family, your community and, yes, even the world.

Moments

Editor’s note: Welcome to Attachment Parenting (AP) Month 2015! This year, we celebrate the theme: “Parental Presence: Birthing Families, Strengthening Society.” Beginning this year, APtly Said is the new home of AP Month, so check the blog each day of October for inspiration through our Daily Tips and other posts centered on the theme. Want to tell your story of how you balance(d) financial/career needs with being a new parent and providing presence in the early years? Send us your story!

Other AP Month events include the annual API Auction and Photo Event, plus an Oct. 19 API Teleseminar with Simplicity Parenting‘s John Kim Payne. Follow along as we read his book through API Reads, also housed here on APtly Said. There will also be special articles in the Parent Compass enewsletter from API’s cofounders and The Attached Family online magazine.

For this first day of AP Month, Yvette Lamb helps us remember that our challenges in providing parental presence in the early years are but moments that we will remember fondly and that help shape our child’s perception of what love is.

Children must go through almost a million phases, particularly in the early years. Sometimes I could barely get used to my baby’s latest pattern before he had moved on to a different one! Some phases — especially regarding sleep, settling, behavior or needing more attention than we are able to give — can feel never-ending at the time.

But of course they do pass, all of them.

And when we look back at testing moments — at days that seemed to stretch on forever — we mostly remember them differently: fondly, with love. They are just moments after all…moments that will pass…moments that become memories sandwiched in our hearts, reminding us how much our children have changed and grown — and how we have, too.

My son is only 2 years old, but recently I have found myself starting so many conversations with my husband with the words, “Do you remember when he used to…?” It might be about him refusing to sleep anywhere but on us or only at the breast or when rocked for at least 30 back-aching minutes, or cluster-feeding him every evening, or how he used to cut up my dinner so I could eat it with a spoon.

We told him about some of these memories this morning as he sat dawdling with his breakfast, smiling ear-to-ear at the little person he used to be but can’t remember.

“And when you were a tiny baby, you couldn’t speak. Everything was just ‘Waaahhhh’ until we rocked or fed you — sometimes all day.”

He laughed delightedly at us, “All day, all day, waaahhh!”

I do acknowledge that, back then, it didn’t always seem like much fun. I sometimes felt like I was living in a state of constant exhaustion, almost afraid of the baby I had made but didn’t understand. And yet, though I haven’t forgotten this, I know it was how early parenting had to be for me, for him. The rocking, the feeding, the tiredness, the uncertainty — it was necessary for me, and it was mere moments in the grand scheme of raising our boy.

We built foundations. We learned to adapt. And also to eat one-handed and survive on mere crumbs of sleep.

And now there are other phases, other challenges. There’s daycare and separation anxiety. There’s fussy eating and kicks at diaper changes. There’s lying down every night next to his crib, him demanding our hand be wedged uncomfortably through the bars while he unwinds from his day and eventually drifts off. Any gentle suggestion he go to sleep without us, or with us sat near but not practically inside his cot, are firmly and loudly rejected.

We are not going to leave him when he doesn’t want us to. But it can be difficult. We are always tired from our day by this point, and we want to have our dinner and unwind, not to mention finish any necessary jobs before our own bed calls. Sometimes after I’ve been on bedtime duty, I practically stagger down the stairs, disorientated from an uncomfortable 10-minute sleep on the floor or grumpy with hunger and the weight of the things I had planned, but will not get to do, for my evening. I have witnessed much of the same from my husband.

But last night I realized that my stress and concern over this current issue is completely misguided. We won’t still be doing this in 5 or 10 years. I know we won’t. Perhaps with some gentle encouragement or perhaps completely naturally, our son will learn to fall asleep without us near. Right now, though — in this moment — he needs us. He needs us until the day he doesn’t any more and all we have left is the memory of his slowing, rhythmic breathing and occasional checking of our presence through the brushing of his tiny, soft hand against ours.

Despite the practical downside, these moments are beautiful. He is our wonder, our masterpiece. He wants to be with us — just for a little longer — and really, how is that anything short of wonderful?

So although moments like these — when our children need almost more than we are able to give — can be frustrating and challenging, they are just moments. And when we tell our son about this particular phase in a few years, when his oh-so-grown-up exterior refutes our claims of him needing us, there will be no frustration attached. The desperation to get downstairs and eat dinner will have long since passed and we will be left with just the good parts: the closeness, the being there, the love.

We will remember these moments, even though he will not. But what I hope he is left with is a warm glow of being loved, of feeling love, of knowing love — for him — when he needed it.

Stay involved in your child’s school life

By Michelle Calfee, an Ed.D. student at Carson Newman University

I have worked in education for 15 years, and I have seen many different situations with students who go to school outside the home which makes often desired to do home or online schooling, visit Schooling Online programs which are well reviewed by parents and students.

There are students who go home to parents who ask how their day was and have a genuine interest in their day at school. There are many active parents who volunteer at the school, participate in the PTA, discuss their child’s progress with teachers and ask questions of their child about school.

On the flip side, I have heard kids say, “My parents don’t care.” In many cases, these students often do not achieve at high academic levels and have a low self-esteem. During the years that I have been in education, students who have little parental involvement often have a low esteem and are hesitant to try when the work seems too hard. Many of these students act out in class, cause disruptions, are less likely to complete their work, and do not follow expectations or rules. If you want your daughter to receive the best education available, then you should consider enrolling her into this all girls catholic school.

As a parent myself, I know that my involvement in my son’s education had a direct impact on his academic achievement and his self-esteem. My son is now 20 years old, and looking back at my involvement in his education, I realize there is still more I could have done to be active.

At the age of 4 when Austin was in k-8 public charter school, he began playing sports. I attended every game, and we talked about every game on the way home. When he started school, we added things about school to our conversation. We discussed what he did at school, what he learned, how his friends were, how his teacher was and anything else that happened during his school day. I was an active parent in his early years.

As Austin started middle school and high school, I was not as active as when he was younger. Every day I asked Austin, “How was your day?” He always answered, “Fine.” As he grew older, I often settled for that answer and didn’t inquire as much as I should have.

After looking at all of research about the importance of parental involvement, I know now what I could have done more of when he was in middle and high school. During his middle school years, I could have volunteered more at the school. In addition, I could have had more parent-teacher meetings and ask specific questions about what was going on with Austin. When I contacted Austin’s teachers, it was typically over a question, issue or concern. There were few times I checked in with the teacher just to see how Austin was doing.

Homework was always an issue for Austin and me. Austin played football, basketball and baseball, and there were times when two sports were going on at once. As a single parent, it was a struggle to get him home from school, dinner cooked, driven to practice on time and to make sure he had the things necessary to complete his homework. Austin always did his homework, but it was a constant argument everyday about getting it finished. Looking back now, what really would have helped with homework is setting a specific time each day to complete his work.

There are different types of parental involvement:

Actively involved — the student is more likely to achieve at higher rates and develop a higher self-esteem.
Involved — the student still achieves but not has highly as those whose parents are actively involved.
Not involved at all — the student is more likely to drop out of school, have lower performance, have high absenteeism and make poor choices.

Parental involvement is not just about a parent being in the same house as their child or showing up to an open house or meeting at their child’s school. Parental involvement is about the parent being actively involved with the child and their education; from preschool programs to high school and beyond. Parental involvement is not an easy task. It is very time consuming and a lot of work. However, your child needs you to be involved and needs your support. Being an active parent can save you a lot time and headaches later in your child’s life. Your level of involvement will directly impact their academic achievement and mental health.

To be actively involved, talk to your child about what they are learning in school. Your involvement does not mean you have to understand the content or know how to do the work your child is doing. But you can ask your child what they are working on in school. When you do this, you are sending your child a message that what they are doing is important to you. In addition, you are telling your child that you believe their education is important.

In addition to talking to your child about homework, attend school meetings and functions and participate in the events. Anyone can just show up to the school for whatever the event may be. But to be an active parent, you must have a purpose or an expected outcome of what you want or expect to happen as a result of the meeting. An example of this is when you meet with your child’s teacher, ask questions and leave with answers. Make sure you are aware of what the meeting is for and that you have a follow-up plan afterwards.

Parents who are involved make sure their child completes their homework and attends events. These parents stay informed of how their child is doing, but may not be actively involved. Often times the parent who is involved may attend meetings, meet teachers at open house events and provide supplies for teachers in their classroom. However, they may not always ask questions at the school events or have a purpose in attending. This type of involvement has a positive impact on the child’s success but may not always push the child to achieve at a higher level.

There are some students who overcome the odds that are against them, but students are more likely to not value their education when their parents show little interest in education. If you do not know how to be involved in your child’s education, contact your child’s school and teachers. This is encouraged at all grade levels.

Continue to talk to your child. Ask them questions each day like, “What did you learn in English (or math, and so on)? How was band?” Or even ask them how their teacher is doing. Ask them how they did on a specific assignment that you had helped with or that they told you about. When your child tells you about something that happened in class or at school, follow up on what happened later in the week.

The more you ask, the more you will know about what is going on with your child. The more you know, the more you can help them in this important area of their life.

Helping children through divorce

When a marriage breaks up, the effects on the children are the biggest cause of worry and source of guilt for parents. Children will now no longer be able to be with both parents every day. Sometimes they will not even be in the same city, is always recommended to search from help like Amicable who helps you to divorce online and communicate, and also you should know about Tiffany Fina Law. In such situation, you should try best lawyer to fight in court, browse this site for more information. If you are a parent who is facing a custody dispute in Kennewick, contact the experienced attorneys at Ashby law as soon as possible. Similarly, If you have been injured in car crash or any other accident, The personal injury lawyer can help you. For more information about injury, preferred this useful reference. You can ran a recent post to know more about the Los Angeles Domestic Violence law attorney.

In unfriendly cases, children are like ping-pong balls, bouncing back and forth as one parent uses the children to hurt the other parent. If you want professional legal advice on family matters, then look at this site now. In one case I counseled, the mother was afraid to re-marry because her ex-husband was trying to poison their son against her and the man she was dating. Everyone understands that divorce is an emotionally exhausting process, For more information about divorce you can try these out. If you want advice on this matter learn more here and get as well professional legal advice. After a divorce parents have no problem following their order to pay child support. Get More Information about Roanoke divorce attoreney. However, there are certainly cases in which parents either neglect child support payments altogether or can’t keep up with them. Delinquency cases such as these face consequences and penalties. To know more about enforcing support click here. Other than this if you are convicted of a violent crime, a jail or prison sentence is likely. You are going to need serious legal defense help fast, Get More Info here about violent crime. Most personal injury cases involve the concept of negligence. It can be difficult to define the meaning of negligence, but it typically refers to careless behavior that results in injuries or property damage, Then check here for more updates about injury law. On this website you can find out what are the most contested matters in California divorce ?

Priority #1: Keep Children Attached to Both Parents

Children have deep attachment needs. These needs continue throughout their adolescent years. They would prefer their parents stay together, even

in a bad marriage, understand what child support covers is a really important aspect during this process, provided that there is no abuse involved, so that these needs can be fulfilled sufficiently. Maturing adolescents, who think critically and idealistically, wonder why their parents can’t solve their differences peacefully and stay together.

Before the age of 6 — and sometimes after — children are not able to maintain connection with two people simultaneously. Because attachment energy polarizes like a magnet, when parents are not on the same side, the child gravitates to one parent or the other and lets go of the other parent. This polarized energy automatically causes a child to reject the parent she is not actively attaching to. It’s important to have good divorce and separation legal advice on this hard times. The child is no longer orienting to the rejected parent, and no longer wants to be with or behave for this parent.

The child cannot control this. This is simply how the attachment brain works.

When parents are conscious of how this polarity causes chaos in the child’s attachments, they can work together to keep the child attached to both parents. This takes a tremendous amount of maturity on the part of the parents. The best outcomes for children of divorced parents result when the parents continue to act in the best interest of their children’s developmental needs and make the daily effort to keep their children connected to both parents, how we can help in this case? Mediation gives you and your spouse the opportunity to negotiate a divorce settlement in a structured setting through a trained facilitator. This is possible when parents are conscious of these dynamics and have the yearning to do what’s best for their children.

In spite of their separation as a couple, parents can remain united in their parenting. This means that each parent has to endear the other parent to the child. Speaking well of the other parent, affirming the other parent’s love for the child, finding ways to hold the child close to the other parent — these are all ways of staying on the same side of the attachment magnet.

As one divorced mother said, “It took a lot of strength, but I tried to give a clear message to my sons that I was ready to listen to their daddy stories and comment in a friendly, accepting way. I also told them good stories about their father, so they would think highly of him.”

Editor’s note: Read more of what this looks like in the Attachment Parenting home on API’s The Attached Family, including “What Co-parenting Looks Like for Us,” “Co-parenting Basics” and “It’s Not About You…It’s About Them.“

Priority #2: Make Room for Children’s Strong Emotions

Divorce creates inner and outer turmoil for both parents, making it difficult to concentrate on the needs of children and the turmoil they are experiencing. Parents need to make room for their children to express their frustration, sadness, disappointment, missing, helplessness, fear, worry, guilt and alarm, we recommend to make the process easier with the help from the divorce lawyer melbourne firm. These are vulnerable feelings that need to come out if the child is to recover from this loss and continue to develop in a healthy way.

At least one parent needs to be the place where the child can bring his feelings, thoughts, worries and tears.

While parents don’t like to see their children unhappy, it is much better to allow these feelings to come out than to pretend that everything is fine. It’s no surprise when children in this situation act aggressively and antagonistically. Beneath the surface lies a deep frustration and a need to mourn this great loss. Children need safe outlets for this aggression — together with a parent — such as hitting pillows, jumping on the trampoline, pounding clay or another safe way to discharge this energy. With a private investigator Columbia SC you can avoid getting divorce and find out if your partner is cheating.

When children can express their vulnerable feelings to a parent and see over time that they can have independent relationships with both parents, they can recover and grow through this experience.

The beauty of art, a book and a conversation

Some of the qualities I cherish most about my daughter are her love for reading, writing and art. I feel as though they allow me to see the world through her eyes. These forms of expression provide me with a wonderful channel into her viewpoint, thoughts and feelings. They also have opened up the lines of communication between us.

When my daughter was 6 years old, we experienced a period of about a year when tantrums were frequent occurrences. Following a conflict, she would close the door to her room in anger and request that I provide her with a pen and paper.

Moments later, I found a note or a drawing she slipped under the door expressing her feelings of anger and frustration. Occasionally, I also unexpectedly found drawings and notes placed around the house. They expressed a variety of emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, frustration and love. I wasn’t always delighted with what she wrote or drew, but I was always delighted that she chose writing and drawing as her forms of expression.

At 8 years old, she experienced a loss for the first time. Our beloved hamster Fluffy died, and my daughter was devastated. A few days later, she arrived from school holding a beautiful picture of our Fluffy portrayed as an angel. I was touched by the sweet display of her feelings expressed so delightfully on paper. I was also surprised by the representation of an angel and heaven as it wasn’t a subject we discussed at home.

The painting opened up a conversation about her feelings of loss. We first talked about the painting technique she used to create comforting yellow and white shades and the soft brush strokes. Then we discussed how she felt about losing her pet and what she thinks angels and heaven are. We reminisced about how feisty our Fluffy was and how much she missed him. I was pleased with her artistic abilities but more so with the words we exchanged.

Today, at 10 years old, she is an enthusiastic reader and writer. A couple months ago, she urged me to read a book from a series she has been passionately reading. I resisted. With more than 60 books lined up on my own wish list, I couldn’t imagine squeezing in one more book, especially one that didn’t particularly fit in with the subject matter of my interest.

Every evening during our quiet, quality time together, she shared with me with excitement details about the intertwined story lines and the many characters in the books. She had a sparkle in her eyes when she asked me again and again to read the first book in the series. I kept on brushing it off, telling her that I will read it one day. I promised that I will find the time.

While on vacation, I like to deviate from my typical reading subjects so I figured it was the perfect opportunity to stop resisting and start reading the book my daughter asked me to read. I was on the airplane on the way to our destination when, on page 20 of her book, I got a glimpse into her intrigue with the books — I got it, and I got her!

The series is comprised of fantasy novels that follow the adventures of four clans of wild cats. The cats personify characteristics of humans, and their world and experiences mimic those of humans. As my daughter and I chatted about the book’s story line, I was able to relate it to current events around the world. We discussed what it means to be an effective leader, why people fight over land and engage in wars, and what it means to be a compassionate person.

Once I completed the book and realized the value of the experience, I promised her that going forward I will honor a new reading pattern: a book of my choice followed by a book of her choice. I know it will set me back on my reading goals, but I also know it’s well worth it. What we have both gained from sharing a book is far more than I expected.

I’d like my daughter to know that her reflections and passions matter to me. I want her to keep me plugged in and feel comfortable to share her inner world with me.

I am gaining a whole new appreciation for the beauty and importance of art — in visual as well as in written form. A painting, a letter and a book are all creative and gentle forms of expressions. They each initiated valuable conversations between my daughter and I and kept our communication open and flowing.

I am bracing myself for her teenage years, hoping we will be able to keep that channel open, wide and clear.

He told me he was afraid of losing

Earlier this summer, I signed up my 5-year-old son for a kids’ triathlon — a bike race, running race and water obstacle course. I was sure he’d be excited. He loves to race in the yard and pretends he’s riding his bike in the Tour de France. But when I told him about it, he was adamant that he didn’t want to do it.

He told me he was afraid of losing.

I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t a timed race and that they weren’t naming a winner. Everyone was going to get a medal and a T-shirt. I talked to him about how it was for ages 3 to 6, so he would definitely be faster than a lot of the kids but that there might be some older kids who were faster than him, and I tried to help instill some confidence by telling him how he is really fast both on his bike and on his feet — which is true.

But he was still worried about not being fast enough.

I was really surprised by this, because we’d never pushed him into competition, so I wasn’t sure how to handle it. The race wasn’t something he had to do, and it would have been easy to say, “If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to.” But I didn’t know if that was the best thing to do.

I knew that he’s going to have plenty of times where he does have to do something that he doesn’t want to do or is anxious about, and this could be an opportunity for me to help him through that gently and help him learn to cope with that type of situation. That’s ultimately what we decided to do.

I considered that maybe he wasn’t just anxious about not being the winner. It could have also been uncertainty about not knowing what to do or what to expect at the race, so my husband spent time the night before practicing with him and trying to give him a sense of what it would be like. This really helped change his attitude to one of excitement.

On the morning of the race, my son was happy and excited. We had learned that parents were allowed to run alongside their children for part of the race, so my husband planned to be with my son.

Just before the race, my son was nervous about where to go, and when it started, he immediately looked around to make sure his dad was with him. It was clear that he didn’t want to go on his own, but once he started bike-riding, it seemed like all his original concerns were gone. When he ran for his medal at the end of the race, he was smiling excitedly and having a blast.

I know that if my son’s anxiety about the race was much more intense, that morning could have been a lot different, but I do feel like my husband and I did our best to support him in what he was feeling. I’m happy that, instead of forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do without considering his feelings — or avoiding the situation altogether — we were able to help him handle his fears about it.