General Interest – Page 92

Doing Something Different to See Something Different

Just recently my husband and I decided to change things up a little bit. We live by the principle that if you want to see something different you have to do something different. Meaning that if I don’t like what I see in society as a whole or I don’t like how families are falling apart on a regular basis or I don’t like how children are turning out then I can’t expect to do the exact same thing as everyone else is doing but expect that somehow it will be different for me.

I think that can be one of the most dangerous traps for us as parents, and as people, to fall in to. We tend to look at the way other people’s lives are and say, “Well that isn’t me,” or “That won’t be me! I’m different…” and yet all the time we are saying/thinking that we are living the same way as “those people” are living and our goals are the same goals. Do you think that people with kids that shoot people wanted that for their children? Do you think that the mom who is worn out because her kids run over the top of her wanted that? Do you think that families fall apart because the parents wanted that to happen? Did they take their vows knowing that someone would break them? I don’t think so.

If you want to see something different you have to do something different.

So what does that mean practically? It means that you will have to make decisions based on your family first. Very first. What is good for you all and the surprising thing is for the most part what is good for a family is not what is traditionally touted as good in our culture. We think that it is good that you slave away so that you can buy big toys and a good house and to pay for a good eduction so that your kids can get a good job so that they can buy a big house and the toys that they want and save for their kids education… not that there is anything really wrong with this but doesn’t that seem like a mundane existence? It certainly isn’t what most of us say that we want.

If you want to see something different you have to do something different.

We say that we want genuine relationships with our children. We say we want them to grow up to be curious and creative adults with a hunger for learning. We say that we want to be able to enjoy our teenagers not dread them. We say we want to experience life with our children.

So what are you doing differently so that you can see that come about?

Photo used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/qubodup/2950583553/

The “See One, Teach One, Do One” Approach to Teaching

Teaching children practical life skills takes more time than we usually think. It’s common for parents to get frustrated with kids who aren’t doing something we think they should know how to do, like putting on socks or shoes, preparing food, putting laundry away, or the ever-popular instruction, “Clean your room!” Tasks like these seem so straightforward to us, but for children they can be overwhelming and suprisingly complicated. American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett continues on The Attached Family online magazine.

Also, learn what to do when your children demean each other with this article from American parenting educator and author Naomi Aldort.

Interview Series: Dave Taylor

We are continuing our interview series with API Contributing Bloggers with Dave Taylor of APparenting.com. Read on to hear more about his life as a single dad of 3, and his thoughts on parenting preteens and teenagers!

Tell us about your family.

I’m based in Boulder, Colorado and am a single Dad to three terrific kids: a 14yo daughter, 10yo son and 7yo daughter. They’re all very artistic and talented athletes too: the older girl is a star of her school volleyball team and my son is one of the leading players on his YMCA basketball team. In fact, his team made it to the championship just a few weeks ago, but, alas, ended up in second place.

What led you to Attachment Parenting?

I was definitely not raised in an attachment parenting household. In fact, my childhood is better characterized as an English “stiff-upper-lip” philosophy where I was left to my own devices from an early age and my parents were involved, but less and less as time went on.

When we had our first child, I was prepared to continue that same parenting philosophy when their Mom suggested that a more affectionate, more hands-on approach to child rearing would garner benefits for both them and us. Honestly, co-sleeping, slings instead of strollers and the like just felt natural and it’s a heck of a lot of fun to have that close a connection, that much proximity, to a wide-eyed new life. It’s all felt very natural and empowering.

How do you deal with friends/family/strangers who don’t understand or who disagree with AP practices?

I am blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who accept my parenting choices and are supportive of the children. We get an occasional confused comment about our sleeping arrangements (it’s not unheard of for my 10yo or even 14yo to grab a sleeping bag and bunk on the floor of my room on a stormy night). Even better, the school they’re in has many parents of a similar philosophical bent, so the child pushed into being independent at a very early age is the oddity, not the one who is still held, loved and nurtured by their parent.

I don’t really feel like I’m an evangelist for AP, but I will admit that there are times when I watch someone pushing a shrieking infant in a stroller and bite my tongue rather than say “y’know, if you just held them, they’d stop crying…”. Why? Because I don’t want people to judge my parenting choices so I extend the same respect to them. I can’t know why they choose to parent the way they do, so it’s better – in my opinion – not to get involved.

What does 2011 hold for your family? What goals do you have for your kids/ family in the coming year?

Goals? Our goal is always to attain as much peace and harmony in our lives as possible. It’s tough for them with two households, we try our best to minimize it, but it’s not as smooth as being in one house with two parents who get along well and enjoy each other’s company. But somehow we make it work, with a pinch of humor and a dash of silliness. At least, most of the time. 🙂

How has attachment parenting evolved as your kids get older? I don’t hear enough about parenting teenagers and preteens and would love your insight into the new challenges and opportunities that come with older kids.

I have to say that like many parenting approaches, I think AP is more suited for younger children, toddlers and babies, for children in the developmental phases where they seek to stay attached, not detach and explore their world. On the other hand, we all appreciate someone who can listen to us, respect us as individuals and give us a hug when things aren’t going well, so the core concepts underlying AP are still quite relevant for parenting adolescents. For me, it’s about listening, respect, and being straightforward with them. When we get into a tussle, I explain my perspective and do my best to then be quite and listen to theirs. We discuss solutions, come up with compromises that meet both our needs (as best we can) and go on our way together. It’s not always easy, but parenting isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. I will add this too: I think it’s critically important for parents to be their *parent*, not a child’s friend. That always influences my interaction with my children, but that also helps them know that they still have that great safety net as they learn to explore…

Thanks for your insights Dave! Please check out Dave’s Attachment Parenting Blog for more on his great kids and his journey as a single Dad.

Traveling Comforts

I’m learning how to give myself permission to want what I want. That means I’m teaching my son how to want what he wants too. I think often of a line from one of my favorite poems, “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver, in regards to this: “You only have to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves.”

Last January, when we took a road trip to New Mexico, I acknowledged that taking a trip without my espresso machine made me kind of miserable. Every day at home, I have a latte. If I go on a trip without the machine, I have a caffeine headache, count the minutes (or hours) until I can get to a coffee shop to buy one, then spend $5 for a latte, another $2 for chocolate milk for Cavanaugh, and another $2 or so on a muffin, bagel, or pastry. By the time the trip is over, I could have paid for an extra bag or three with the money I’ve spent at coffee shops because I didn’t pack my espresso machine. Bad deal.

We usually fly on Southwest Airlines. Cavanaugh’s old enough that I’ve been buying him his own ticket for over three years. That means we get two bags each, plus SWA allows you to take the carseat for free. Why, exactly, have I been trying to pack so light?

So I don’t get teased about bringing everything but the kitchen sink? So I don’t inconvenience folks by asking them to come all the way into the airport to meet us at the baggage area rather than wait outside so they can drive up to the street? The people we’re going to visit aren’t likely to give me a hard time about what I packed. And so what if they do? Plus, they almost always come in to meet us even if I tell them we’ll make our own way outside.

As we were gathering things to pack for the trip, I remembered that last year I started taking my espresso machine on trips and felt such relief at the thought of packing it that I wondered what else would be really great to have with us.

My favorite pillow, a Tempur-Pedic, which gives me a great night’s sleep and means I don’t get the crick in my neck or other pain that sleeping in a strange bed often supplies.
My robe. Why hadn’t this ever occurred to me? It’s when I’m staying in other people’s houses that I feel uncomfortable going to breakfast in my pajamas without a bra on. Rather than needing to get dressed first thing, what if I just packed a robe?
A can of my favorite coffee to go with my espresso machine, plus Splenda packets (I know they’re probably carcinogens, but I like them, okay?) so I could make a latte without having to make a trip to the store our first day there.

And for Cavanaugh:

My favorite pillow happens to be his favorite too. I packed into into his carseat bag so it didn’t take up valuable suitcase space.
The stuffed animals he sleeps with. Okay, the three-foot long dolphin didn’t make the trip, but Pigeon, Shutterbug, and Courage are all world travelers now.
Enough LEGOs to build the way he would at home (his Atlantis book set so he can follow directions for a bunch of models and have enough pieces to build out of his imagination too), and Star Wars LEGOs, and his LEGO Club magazine to read on the plane.

You know what? One of our hosts came to meet us in baggage claim, helped to carry everything out, commented on how handy our carseat bag was, and everything fit into the car just fine. We’ve been here almost a week and we’re not missing home so much because we brought some of our favorite things with us.

What do you miss when you travel? What do give yourself permission to pack?

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

The other day I went grocery shopping with my youngest, my 9 month old. After filling my cart with groceries, we were waiting to check out when I heard the two women behind me in line start talking about how adorable my son was. Soon after, he started getting fussy and without a second thought I picked him up, latched him on, and held him in my arms while he nursed.

Almost immediately, I heard the two women behind me start debating with each other over whether I was really nursing him (!) or if he was just falling asleep in my arms. It wasn’t a “OMGoodness how dare she do that in public!” type of debate, just a friendly back and forth of wondering if I could possibly be nursing him. I smiled, listening to them go back and forth. I swear I saw some skin when she first picked him up. No, you’re wrong, he is clearly just sleeping.

The debate abruptly ended when I starting loading my groceries onto the belt while still nursing him; both ladies decided that he must have been just sleeping, because there is no way someone could nurse a baby and load her groceries onto the belt at the same time.

It was an interesting experience for sure, but it of course got me thinking about how our culture perceives breastfeeding, specifically breastfeeding in public. And although these two women were not hostile about the possibility of me nursing in public, many nursing women have experienced humiliation, hostility, and plain old disapproval while nursing in public.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a culture where it didn’t matter if my son was nursing or sleeping, because neither was a big deal? Because both of those acts were perceived as perfectly normal behavior for a baby and his mother?

I was grocery shopping. My baby wanted to nurse, so I nursed him. I’m his mother, it’s what I do. Just because I was surrounded by people who might not understand, approve of, or agree with my actions did not stop me from meeting my child’s needs.

I nurse everywhere. In fact, I even have a small collection of photographs of me nursing my babies in “unusual” places: the top of a Ferris Wheel; at the Basketball Hall of Fame. And by nursing in public, not only am I meeting my child’s needs, but I’m normalizing breasfeeding simply by doing it then and there.

Because wouldn’t it be nice if my daughters nursed their babies in public and no one batted an eye?

I’m interested in hearing your experiences with breastfeeding in public. What kind of feedback did you get, if any? What is the most unusual place you have nursed your baby in?

My New Mom Ears

Watch them wiggle to and fro. Tomorrow I will officially have a 7 week old in my house as well as the perfectly tuned hearing of a mom. At first, I thought that I may need hearing aids, but I have honed my hearing skills to mommy level. Even if my husband is playing war video games, the dishwasher is banging dishes around because I loaded it wrong and the tv is blaring in another room I can hear my dear little daughter go “ehhh”. It’s amazing that I can pick up on this… Or is it? Does this mean that I am never calm, always waiting for her next move? I’d like to think it’s a biological instinct that I’ve been given to help me parent, but I dread the day that I’m caught constantly staring at my baby video monitor or walking back and forth to see what her little sigh was all about. I worry that one day my ears will burn out and I will become oblivious to what is going on in the next room. My alertness will vanish and then things may go terribly wrong. Obsessive or loving? The mere fact that I’m somewhat embarrassed over this is disheartening.

Although I’m a new mom I’ve picked up rather quickly on other mom’s attitudes and behaviors. I’ve noticed that they don’t obsess nearly as much as I do. While jogging with another mom of a 3 month old, she let her baby cry the entire mile back to her house. Granted she has a very fussy baby, but what gives with the lack of nurturing? Does it wear off somewhere in between fascination at the miracle of birth and beyond? I’ve given myself some lead way here since it really has only been 7 weeks, but it does make me wonder about parenting transitions. As our babies age do we slowly stop paying as much attention? Does our infatuating love for them turn into more of a chore? Do we run empty on love? Perhaps a parents love slowly shifts into a different shape and form as time goes on. Or perhaps our love tanks, as Dr. Gary Chapman of “The Five Love Languages” would put it, perhaps our love tanks become empty and we as parents have nothing left to give.

Yes I can hear my daughter coo and cry across the house, but am I listening to myself? Am I listening to my husband as he tells me about his day? How can I continue to provide a loving home to her if I drown out the sounds of the rest of the world…Mom ears…a blessing or a curse?

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Diaper Changes

This post is the fifth in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, grocery shopping, diaper changes, and picking up toys. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.

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Ideas to Make Diaper Changes a Positive Experience

Let Your Toddler Choose the Location: since you probably aren’t using a changing table anymore, let your toddler pick the place. Remember that our toddlers are learning how to exercise their independence – so giving them some control is a theme that runs throughout this “gentle parenting ideas” series.

Songs/Rhymes/Fingerplays: occupy their hands by doing songs, rhymes, and fingerplays with (or without) hand motions: Itsy Bitsy Spider, Two Little Birds, Hickory Dickory Dock, etc.

Read a Book: some toddlers might want to hold a book and read to themselves, others might want to grab a favorite book that they can look at while you read (from memory).

Tell a Story: one of my biggest potty learning helps has been to ask Kieran to tell stories while he is using the potty chair. We have a notebook near the chair, and I actually write down his stories and read them back to him. If your little one doesn’t want to hold a book, this might be another way to occupy his attention while you change a diaper – you tell a story or help him make one up of his own.

Call for Reinforcement: there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, particularly if it will help everyone involved feel better about the outcome. Get someone else in there to entertain while you get down to the business end.

Practice Signing: if you are signing with your toddler, try practicing some sign language during diaper changes. If you aren’t doing sign language with your toddler, I whole-heartedly recommend that you start!

Let Them Help: trust your toddler with certain responsibilities: getting the wipe and new diaper ready; spreading out the changing mat; putting the used diaper in the pail; climbing up to the sink to wash hands; etc.

Presto, Chango: for easy changes, do it on the fly – standing up! Or on your lap. Or while your toddler is playing. Just do it fast!

Special Toys: save a few special toys/objects for diaper changing time only. Of course this will only work if you can then get the object back gently without causing a huge ruckus.

Consider Cloth: if you’ve never tried cloth diapers, consider making the switch. You can still save money and do your part to help the environment. More importantly, I know for a fact that many kids would choose cloth over plastic for the comfort factor alone. When I try to put plastic on Kieran, he pleads and begs with me, “cloth, mama, cloth!”

Nurse: there have been many occasions where I nurse while papa changes. It’s awkward, but it makes for a very peaceful change.

Naked Time: if you haven’t instituted some regular naked time in your household, now might be a good time to start. Toddlers love to be naked. I was worried that I would end up cleaning lots of accidents, but Kieran was surprisingly good about going on the potty chair when he didn’t have a diaper on. Plus, sometimes it helps to just walk away from a stressful situation – as long as the bottom is clean and it is safe for your toddler to run around without a diaper, it might be easier for everyone to forgo the new diaper until you’ve had a chance to breathe and get into a more playful mood.

Warn Them First: it’s hard to be ripped away from a fun activity to go get a clean diaper. Instead of picking your toddler up like a piece of furniture, respect her feelings by asking her if she’s ready for a change. If she’s not ready, give her a warning. Some kids do well with a timer, others just want the verbal signal.

Try a Snack: grab a snack safe for little fingers and let your little one chow down (this might work better for standing-up diaper changes).

Make a List: how many animals can your toddler name? How about animal sounds? Colors? Shapes? Make diaper time a fun recall activity time – but make sure it’s fun and not stressful for your little one. If they are uncomfortable being put on the spot about their recall abilities, it won’t make diaper changes any better.

What ideas do you have to help make diaper changes a positive experience? Please share them in the comments.

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This post has been edited from a previous version published at Code Name: Mama.

Giving Up Choices

I am not in the habit of reading parenting books. It isn’t that they aren’t helpful. I have heard of plenty of circumstances where reading parenting books revolutionized the way a friend of family member chose to parent their children. I have also seen people read a new book every few months and then change their parenting technique to match. This seemed to create very confused and angry children. They didn’t know what to expect from their parents. Being predictable is such a comfort for our children.

Yes, there is a but in this because it has to do with a parenting book I picked up the other day. I have been on a waiting list at the local library for quite some time. I was not introduced to new concepts. I had been parented in much the same way and found that there are quite a few things that I also implement in my parenting.

So what did I discover that I know will revolutionize my parenting? Let my son make more choices. Offer choices. Offer valid choices. There are many small choices during the day that I found I was making that he very well could be making. As I turn those choices over I am watching him blossom. I can watch the little cogs turning in his mind. Many times already he has surprised me with his choices. There is also less resistance in our home. Things that could become an argument of point of contention between us because I was making all the little insignificant choices I am learning to hand over to him and suddenly he feels empowered. He feels he has choices in his life and we all know how much better we feel about life in general when we have some control.

And the final (major) benefit? Because he has to think so much more he sleeps much better at night!

Photo used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/29890539@N07/4648496819/