APtly Said – Page 30

10 tips for a positive car ride with your baby

Often times, we either hear that a baby absolutely loves going into the car we got from the used cars ottawa dealership and naps instantly, or that the baby screams and cannot stand the car seat, thus making travel a complete nightmare for parents.

You may experience both sides of this scenario as babies go through phases of learning and growing. I have 3 children ages 7, 4-1/2, and 1 year old. I have been on both sides of the situation. There were times that my children loved the car seat, and any road trip for me was a nice break and even relaxing, but we certainly had months with all 3 children where they absolutely cried and did not want to get in the car seat.

I remember when my girls would arch their backs and scream going into the car seat from the Kia we got at used cars south jersey. My baby boy is my youngest, and we had car trips where I would keep pulling over to nurse him just to soothe him, so a simple, short drive turned into a long one. I always had all my documents in hand such as my auto insurance, in case a police officer would question me being on the side of the road.

Now, all of my kids finally love the car, which makes my life much easier.

I believe strongly in positive experiences. It is possible to make the car seat a positive situation and reduce the crying phases. Here are 10 car trip solutions to create a positive car trip experience:

Breastfeed your baby before any car trip — This is not only for feeding but also for comfort and to relax your baby. Sometimes, it helps to nurse your baby in the driver’s seat (not driving, of course), and then when your baby is tired or asleep, you can move the baby to the infant one of the car seats and stroller combo. Even if the baby wakes up at that point, he will likely fall back asleep when the car moves. Likewise, put a fresh diaper on your baby before putting them in the car seat.
Keep a relaxed environment — Parents can easily get stressed out when their baby refuses the car seat, but if you try to stay relaxed and use a calm voice, your baby can sense this. Make sure to carry the essentials like the baby bottle washer, additional set of diapers and most importantly, the Toys. We use spa music in the car! I often breastfeed my baby with spa music playing, so he associates relaxation with soft spa music, and when we enter the car, I always have spa music on. This really helps to create a relaxing environment for my children and myself.
Open the windows — Opening the car windows on a nice day, or even just opening them an inch, can help distract the baby from crying and soothe them when the car moves. Plus, it offers fresh air, which some babies appreciate.
Talk and sing to your baby — Your voice is soothing to your child and provides comfort, so they know that you’re there. I have found myself humming lullabies and singing familiar songs just to keep my baby focused on me and listening to me instead of being upset in the car. Try to pick a song that you would sing while nursing your baby to sleep in the house, and use the same song while driving so your baby can remain calm and associate sleep and serenity with the sound and tone of your voice.
Use a rear-facing mirror in front of your baby — This will help you to see your rear-facing baby, and if you position a large enough mirror, your baby can also see you. Your baby may start to look for you in the mirror after 6 months old. The mirror not only helps the baby to have something to look at, but you can see your baby to check in and make sure they’re okay.
Don’t be afraid to pull over — Pull over and nurse. And if you drive another mile and your baby is still upset, do it again: Pull over and nurse. Try not to let your baby cry in the car seat. Your baby’s needs are important! If your baby is crying, try to nurse, rock, and relax them.
Wear your baby — When you get to your destination, some moms simply move the car seat into their stroller, but then the baby is in the car seat for even longer and your ride home won’t be as smooth. Take your baby out of the car seat and into a wrap, sling, carrier or your arms to give your baby a break from the car seat.
Get your baby focused on you or an object other than buckling the car seat — No one likes to be restrained, but car seat buckling is essential. Usually, the buckling process can give parents a tough time for that baby who just doesn’t like the car seat. Give your baby something to hold in the car can help distract them while you buckle the car seat. I like to keep a small wooden rattle that has bells inside. I hand it to my baby and sing as I buckle him in. I try to keep eye contact with my baby so that his focus is on me and the toy, and sometimes, he doesn’t even realize that I buckled the car seat already. You can also try distracting him or her with the best baby accessories and also learn with these amazing toys.
Distractions can be soothing for the baby — Use a light-up projecting toy that can give your baby something to look at while you drive. There are many light-up projectors that play spa music, move the lights in a circular-wave motion, or that project a rainbow, stars or other shapes to get your baby’s attention. You can even use this when buckling your child in!
Comfort your baby — Comforting your baby is the most important priority. A comforting parent will eventually make a comfortable baby. Remain confident, and your positivity will reflect on your children.

More Resources from API

API Leader Jamie Birdsong-Nieroda, mother of 2 from Long Island, New York, USA, offers ideas to keep road trips positive for older children.

API Leader Cason Zarro from Atlanta, Georgia, USA, offers more tips to soothe a baby who dislikes the car seat.

Dionna Ford, mother and parenting blogger, gives suggestions to encourage cooperation with the car seat from a toddler or preschooler.

3 tips for connection in the summertime

Summertime can bring a variety of opportunities to connect with our children and enjoy new experiences together. It especially can be a time to reconnect with a child who has been at school all day throughout the year and is now home each day.

Here are 3 suggestions for deepening the family connection during the summertime:

1) Start a family tradition or ritual

Creating traditions and rituals each summer, just as during other seasons and holiday times, can help children experience predictability and be a source of family bonding. In our family, summer traditions include minor league baseball games, going to a carnival, visiting all the libraries in the county, and eating dinner outside.

We didn’t consciously set out to create these traditions: They just happened as we found things that our family enjoyed together and things that to us say, “summer.”

You may also want to bring some traditions from your own childhood into your families now.

2) Get outside

Research has shown a correlation between time outside and reduced stress levels. Being outside in nature also helps keep kids calmer. Consider a trip to the best points for Apple picking in NJ, they will love it and learn a lot from a nutritive fruit

There are so many opportunities to get outside throughout the day. It can be staying near home and playing in the yard, or venturing out further for a hike or nature walk. Try to visit different playgrounds and climb the playground equipment along with your children.

Or, when you’re in a need of an opportunity for self-care and craving some balance, sit and enjoy a book in the fresh air while they play.

Some of the fun activities my children like to do outside our house include getting a bucket full of shaving cream and some paintbrushes and “painting” the deck using longest lasting deck stain, filling a squirt bottle with water, searching for bugs and pretending to be bugs, doing messy art projects outdoors, and setting up an outdoor movie night. If you are not having a redwood decking but wanna build one for your kids, so that they can do outdoor activities, then contact Outside Entertainment Area Specialists for the deck building.

3) Find fun activities, but don’t force them

A few years ago, I created a “summer wish list” of about 15 places to go or things to do during the summer. We didn’t end up doing all of them, but it was helpful to have some plans and suggestions. Some of those activities became our traditions, while others were one-time only outings.

While these can be great, it’s also important to remember that some may not work out as you planned. Sometimes, what seems like a great idea to us sounds boring to our children. I’ve been trying to take my oldest son strawberry-picking since he loves strawberries and since it was something I loved as a child, but he’s simply not interested. Rather than forcing it, I work on finding other activities he is interested in and focus on being present with him in whatever it is we end up doing. Sometimes that means just playing board games inside.

It’s important to remember that these activities are about strengthening our family connection. If the activity is stressful to you, not enjoyed by the kids, and not creating a good bonding experience, don’t feel bad about scrapping it for something else!

I hope you enjoy exploring, experiencing and connecting with your kids this summer!

Being a Daddy

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) hopes you have enjoyed APtly Said’s celebration of fathers this week. This final post wraps up this series on “Fathers’ Inspiring Reflections,” June 19-21. We value and honor you, Dads, for all your love, dedication, and involvement in your children’s lives — you inspire us!

I always wanted to be a Daddy…I just never knew how much it would change me.

Naturally, most parents think their child is beautiful, and even with a little mushed face and purple foot, I felt the same. I was especially proud of the fact that while my son laid under a heating lamp in the hospital, he looked more developed than the other babies.

I called the first year of parenthood the most rewarding “punishment” I ever went through. Not that I would have changed it for the world, but I believe most parents would understand what I mean.

Strangely enough, nature has a way of making us endure some form of amnesia. After two years and 10 months, I found myself being a glutton for “punishment” again. Sure, why not? I hardly remembered the endless sleepless nights from my previous go-around. Then again, my memories since first becoming a parent are a patchwork of fragments, mostly focused on the glee of being a parent.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but suddenly I learned a new fear I will never lose till I am gone — in that moment, I knew I would always wish for the best and fear the worst for this individual indefinitely.

It seems like in a flash, my world that I had grown up in was no longer predominantly focused on me. My focus was now this baby.

My mind raced with questions…

I was overjoyed to be a Daddy. I cried at the sight of him. But I wondered How do you immediately love someone or something that you have no history with? and Should I feel guilty that here was this new creature that I loved, yet didn’t really communicate with beyond its needs? I wondered who he would be.

At the same time, I found myself watching every breath while he slept and I would peer into the crib if it seemed too silent. I was beyond gentle as if this new entity was in fact an ancient artifact as fragile as parchment.

Could I be a good Daddy?

Two months after his birth, I was making some sounds and he looked at me and smiled. In that moment of connection, my heart melted. But this did not stop my internal thoughts, nor my imagination thinking of hypotheticals. I wanted to be an affectionate Daddy, but was there such thing as too much affection? Should Mommy be more affectionate than Daddy? I decided to throw caution to the wind, as I felt that my child should grow up knowing he was deeply loved through action and not just words of affection.

There are parents who try to essentially have their children be what they did not become or be just like them. I believe that is confining. More and more, I find the true gift we can give our children growing up as a parent is to allow them to discover their own path and support their positive choices.

I’ve learned that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes, but I am patient. I’m willing to learn as I go, as much as I hope my teaching sinks in. I know teaching isn’t just preaching, but that setting an example and following through with my word carries more impact. The greatest gifts I can give my 2 boys are love, guidance, affection, and my attentive time. The gift has been given both ways as I’ve gained a greater happiness with myself.

Despite all the trials or tribulations we endure, being a parent can be so fulfilling. The first step is accepting ourselves and loving ourselves as the imperfect individuals we are — share that with your children. In this way, we will not seek the material things in life to find happiness, as we already have it in our hearts.

Being a parent has made me so happy and whole. I have become more forgiving, more accepting, more insightful, and above all, more loving. In all of the things I’ve done and accomplished, my family is my greatest creation and treasure — it is the one I am most proud of.

Transformation of being a father

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) continues with APtly Said’s celebration of fathers through the theme of “Fathers’ Inspiring Reflections,” June 19-21. We value and honor you, Dads, for all your love, dedication, and involvement in your children’s lives — you inspire us!

Sometimes I start thinking about the man I used to be before having kids, and I always get so amazed at how much I have changed during this short period of time.

Considering that I am 33 years old, being a father for 3 years means that I have much more non-father time of life experience. However, I can tell with certainty that these last 3 years have been the most transformative years of my life.

When my first son arrived to this world, I didn’t know much about fatherhood — just like most other fresh fathers. Fatherhood invited me to become aware of my own sensitivity — and I said yes to it. I jumped into this giant pool of uncertainties called fatherhood, and while I was swimming there, I got in touch with my own sensitivity.

I was observing my child’s needs and feelings, and I started responding to them — which allowed me to build a loving bond with my son. In the meantime, I was learning so much about myself and my own feelings. I stopped hiding them and started exploring them, listening to myself and getting to explore and know a whole new person.

It didn’t stop there!

I realized this transformation was also affecting my relationships with other people, mainly because I was finally seeing their feelings as well. I have grown to understand what empathy is and that completely changed how I relate to my partner, friends, family, and everybody around me.

A couple years later, my second son was born — just to remind me that love isn’t something you split, but something that gets multiplied. It’s a reminder that one of the things I love the most about being a father is how such small and young beings can teach you the most valuable lessons about life.

So, if you ask me what being a father means to me, I would say it’s jumping into a life experience that will transform you for the better — into a more sensible human being.

Thiago Queiroz, father of 2 boys and an API Leader for API Rio in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, offers his support for parents with his YouTube videos about Attachment Parenting, including positive discipline, Nonviolent Communication, and fatherhood.

In this video, Thiago discusses temper tantrums and how parents help their children deal with strong emotions.

Photo Credit: FreeImages.com/Adrian,Canada

How has being a dad changed me?

Editor’s note: Welcome to Attachment Parenting International‘s celebration of fathers! For this Father’s Day, APtly Said Assistant Editor Effie Morchi has put together a moving series of essays with the theme of “Fathers’ Inspiring Reflections” for June 19-21. We value and honor you, Dads, for all your love, dedication, and involvement in your children’s lives — you inspire us!

I come from a story, as we all do. Some of it is real, some imagined or interpreted, and part of it remains a mystery as well. Never did I imagine in examining my own story that I would so deeply relish the experience of being a dad.

My son Dylan was born 14 months ago, and though certainly there have been times that are challenging — including many sleepless nights — his presence in my life is the best thing ever to happen to me.

Why is this so?

In part, it is the depth of love I feel for him, whether he is acting cute, sleeping, or in need of a diaper change. The love is there and the same regardless, an infinite expression of the life force of love pouring through me. And a human heart cannot help but be changed when the love pouring through it is that grand. That love has softened me and made me more compassionate to others, including myself.

Beyond this new infinite wave of love, there is more to the profound and positive change of being a dad. I also feel more of a sense of purpose. As a writer, healer and artist, I have always been driven and tend to thrive on meeting goals, deadlines, seeing an accomplishment come into full bloom.

But this is a different kind of purpose, a through line of presence that flows through me having nothing to do with a goal, and simply wanting a wonderful future for my child, hoping his dreams come to fruition — whether or not mine ever do.

Most importantly perhaps is a new definition of responsibility. I now feel responsible for the welfare of another human, which is quite daunting, yet also very fulfilling. I notice how it impacts him when I am in a challenged mood, as well as when I am happy and joyful.

This has heightened my own consciousness of taking responsibility for how my emotional state impacts others. I have always done that on some level, since as an energy healer, that is part of my life’s work. Yet, now even the smallest nuances of emotion are highlighted in my consciousness. I do my best to embrace all of who I am, and also be aware how my own emotional energy impacts my son.

I would never trade being a dad for anything.

The greatest gift of life that I have known so far is being a parent. And the amazing thing is that had anyone asked me before my son’s birth how I would feel about being a dad, I never would have imagined it would be this wonderful, including the challenges. It has made me a new human, one that is more aware, more alive — even when exhausted — and more open-hearted to the experiences of others.

I never noticed strollers and little ones that much before. Now, it is the first thing I notice when outside the home, as I am a member of this new and amazing club called father!

Photo Credit (2nd photo): FreeImages.com/Vivek Chugh

4 ideas for gentle weaning

I often hear of the struggles mothers face when trying to nurse a baby in those first few weeks. For me, that has not been the case. Although both of my sons nursed differently, neither had difficulty nursing.

My experience is the opposite. My struggle comes at the end of the nursing relationship rather than the beginning.

For some mothers, weaning can be the most difficult part of the nursing relationship. Usually this difficulty arises when the mother would like the nursing relationship to end or change, but the child feels differently.

Imagine yourself in your child’s place. Your milk is what your child has known since the first day he or she came earthside. Your milk tastes good, but it also comforts and provides warmth and the feeling of safety. Imagine how difficult it might be to let something like this go. Imagine how much harder it would be if you were not emotionally, physically, and developmentally ready to let that something go.

Up to this point, your child has a positive perception of nursing. This perception can remain by weaning gently.

Consider how the word “gentle” affects the meaning of the word “weaning” when added to it to create a phrase. The negative connotation associated with weaning lessens. With the addition of the word “gentle” comes a positive connotation. This process will be slow, kind, loving, and without pain.

Gentle weaning is important. It is important to the development of our children. We know that negative experiences cause stress and can affect our children physically and emotionally. As parents, we want to limit the negative experiences of our children — not create them. Gentle weaning allows for mothers to wean children without creating a negative experience.

Just as gentle weaning is important to the development of our children, it is also important for the mother. At some point, every nursing mother will experience a nursing aversion, being “touched out,” pain (from ovulation, latch, or pregnancy), exhaustion from night nursing, and so on. It is important to remember that these feelings are temporary in the grand scheme of things.

Just as the child has a positive experience with nursing, the mother also shares in this experience. Weaning that is not gentle could create negative experiences that the mother will have with her for the rest of her life. The idea of living with no regrets can be applied to this situation. Weaning before the child is ready or weaning that is not gentle could create regret for the mother and negatively affect the mother.

For me, I wanted to start the weaning process when my son was about 18 months old, because I wanted to try to conceive another baby. Nursing proved to be an excellent birth control for me, and I thought that reducing some nursing sessions might help my cycle return.

When my son and I started our weaning journey, I talked to experienced friends and researched weaning. The following are some ideas that helped me:

Reduce the amount of time for some or all nursing sessions — Try to limit the nursing session to a certain amount of time. Set a timer for a specific amount of time.
Reduce the number of nursing sessions — If your child nurses 5 times during the day, slowly reduce the time of one session until you eliminate it completely. Continue the process until all sessions are eliminated.
Set limitations for when nursing can take place — Perhaps you would feel more balanced to only nurse during the daytime or only at bedtime and in the morning.
Set limitations for where nursing can take place — I started by not nursing in public. If my son asked to nurse when in public, I would tell him that we needed privacy and to wait until we got to our car.

In order to be gentle, these ideas need to develop slowly, and the mother needs to be willing to judge each situation individually. For example, even though we only nursed in private, if my son got hurt, I would still nurse in public if he asked. Nothing has to be set in stone.

Nursing a child is a positive experience for both the mother and child, and it can remain that way through weaning by using a gentle process.

A fire in my heart

I came upon Attachment Parenting by accident.

While 8 months pregnant, I searched the Internet for ideas on how to clean cloth diapers by hand. Yes, you read correctly — by hand. We had no washer or dryer and felt too cheap to pay the 75 cents required to wash them.

During my search, I discovered Attachment Parenting, Attachment Theory, the history of breastfeeding, and the vitality of human touch. I was sold.

Attachment Parenting — unlike washing diapers by hand — spoke to me.

No, it actually shook my core and lit my fire.

Upon discovery of Attachment Theory, I defended my master’s research thesis and graduated with a degree in marriage and family therapy. My daughter was born 2 days later. Four weeks after her birth, we were stocked with $20 worth of quarters at a time.

I soon began to see Attachment Theory everywhere. I saw it in my adult client whose mother abandoned her as a child. I saw it in my children clients whose parents suffered greatly.

I also saw it within myself.

My passion for Attachment Parenting grew stronger after my daughter was born. I was fortunate to discover 2 new moms who also shared my passion. We met every week. We supported each other by exchanging ideas and stories, read books such as Vital Touch by Sharon Heller, and dreamed of bringing an API Support Group to Long Beach, California, USA — an urban city crawling with people eager for support and education.

These women understood firsthand the importance of attachment. Like me, they lacked a secure attachment with their own mothers.

We needed Attachment Parenting International (API) to lead the way for us. We needed API to validate what we felt in our hearts, yet had no model of our own. We needed API to give us permission to trust ourselves.

But even more, we needed each other. These women were my lifeline. Their presence provided a cushion for me to land on and a sounding board for my heart. Their support proved to me the importance of interacting with other parents who could relate to my experience.

When my daughter turned 1, we moved to Iowa City, Iowa, USA, in order for my husband to attend medical school. I said “bye” to my tribe, and this proved heavy on my heart.

I longed for the company and support of like-minded moms and embarked on my API Leadership process. Almost 3 years later, I completed my training and started a new support group, API of Iowa City.

The women who embarked on my API journey with me remain close to my heart. We share a passion and fire that continues to drive me today.

This fire will not die — my heart will not let it. My fire is fueled by others who are burdened with the troubles of life and need tools to cope as a parent. My fire is fueled by parents seeking a better way, yet who feel at a loss for ideas and resources.

Mostly, my fire is fueled by families practicing Attachment Parenting. The closeness and security surrounding these families expands my heart and allows me to stretch even further to better myself as a mother and to continue to help others.

It is families such as yours that give me hope for this world, and hope for my daughter. Our hearts thank you.

Screens are powerful — but dangerous — attachment tools

It used to be the television.

Back in the 1980s, Neil Postman, professor of communication arts and sciences from New York University, said that television is a disastrous influence on children because it shortens their attention span, erodes their linguistic powers and causes them to become increasingly impatient. Perhaps even more serious, it opens up all of society’s taboos and secrets, thus erasing the boundaries between childhood and adulthood, creating a homogenized culture rather than a hierarchical one.

Today it’s the smartphone, computer and iPad.

The intrusion of even more kinds of screens in our lives is having an overwhelming effect on our families. Dr. Gordon Neufeld cautions that before we put these devices into the hands of our children and adolescents, we need to put rules and restrictions in place for their use. These screens are so addictive by their very nature that even we adults have a hard time turning them off and disconnecting from them. All the more so, we need to guard our children from becoming too attached to them.

My son and daughter-in-law recently noticed that their two daughters, ages 10 and 8, were spending too much time in front of the television and the iPad. They thought the girls would react strongly to the new rules they were about to begin enforcing, but were pleasantly surprised that the girls seemed to appreciate Mom and Dad taking charge of the screens.

After a few “screen-less” weeks, I asked how their new lifestyle was holding up and the results were exciting: The girls began asking their parents to take them to the library on a regular basis, and they are spending much more time reading. They are also playing outside more. The house is calmer and quieter without the background noise from the screens. The parents themselves feel calmer and have even looked for ways to restrict their own use of their smartphones. There is more space for real human connection and also for more creativity.

Freedom from screens provides psychological rest for the brain. When we are connected to screens, we are — in essence — seeking attachment, the default setting of our brains. Screens are powerful attachment tools, but the attachment they provide is merely a “fix” — it is superficial and fleeting, and this pursuit becomes addictive. It does not satisfy the real need for human contact and closeness, so both child and adult are driven to come back again and again for another fix — another attempt to fill this attachment hunger.

When parents restrict screen use for their children, they are helping their children come to rest from this futile pursuit. The brain shifts gears and can now rest from this futile pursuit. Only parents and other caring adults can give children fulfilling experiences of attachment and bring their brains to rest. This rest from the work of seeking attachment frees the child’s mind to explore and create like downloading a book and reading it thanks to sodapdf converter.

I like to write to my granddaughters by e-mail. Once a week, they can use their iPads to write to me and to other relatives. It’s just one example of how parents can show their children how to safely use screens without becoming addicted or controlled by them.

And as for the TV at my granddaughters’ house — it was relegated to a corner bedroom upstairs where it’s no fun at all to sit and watch!