Parenting for peace

“But peace is about much more than putting weapons aside. It is about building a global society in which people live free from poverty and share the benefits of prosperity. It is about growing together and supporting each other as a universal family.” ~ Ban Ki-moon, UN Secretary-General

There seems to be barely a day when we don’t hear of a tragedy somewhere on the globe — an act of violence, a casualty of war, a community in mourning, a home shattered by abuse. Where is peace?

Peace in our world, our nations, our communities, our homes, ourselves — we all want it, but it can seem unattainable in the societies where we live. Or is it?

On this International Day of Peace — today, September 21 — Attachment Parenting International (API) is excited to announce the theme of this year’s Attachment Parenting (AP) Month beginning October 1:

logo that hopefully doesnt change color

Each day of October, API will delve into how parenting is critical for striving toward peace and world harmony. We will renew our support for the ultimate peacemakers — you, the parent.

This October:

  1. Follow us here on APtly Said for 31 days of Peace and Harmony through Daily Parenting Tips and inspirational posts from peacemakers around the world.
  2. Add your family to our Wall of Harmony.
  3. Submit a post, however short or long, on what “parenting for peace” means to you to be published on APtly Said during AP Month.
  4. Donate items to our online auction, running October 18-31.
  5. Keep in touch and share AP Month with friends on Facebook.

Bedtime together, beautiful and attached

IMAG00863My daughter and I stopped bedsharing a few months ago, just before her 2nd birthday. She was excited to move out of the daybed we shared in her room and into her own toddler bed.

Even though we’ve shifted away from bedsharing, bedtime still remains for us a wonderful time of connection. Sometimes I hold her and sing to her, which usually puts her to sleep before the first song is over. Most of the time, we lie together in her bed. She’ll play with my hair and cuddle up against me.

Lately, as her vocabulary and her brain continue to grow and develop, she’s been talking a lot as we lie together. She often talks about times when she was sad and frequently repeats a story about a time when I was out at the store and she was home with my husband: “I wanted you and you weren’t there, and I was crying.”

I believe this comes up often at bedtime, because it’s a time when she feels a need for comfort and knows she is safe. She can share a sad memory while knowing that I’m there for her at that moment.

I’ll listen to her story and acknowledge that it was a really upsetting time. Then I’ll remind her that in this moment she has me and I explain that now, when sadness is over, our emotions change and feeling sad is temporary. I reinforce that I am there to comfort her when she needs me.

Even though she’s no longer a newborn with an intense physiological need for me to hold her, bedtime can still be a scary time or a sad time if a child is alone. I love being able to be with her at this time and to let this be something positive and happy. While I don’t sleep with her in her bed, she still refers to it as “Mommy and me’s bed.”

When she wakes in the morning, she finds me sleeping in the daybed in her bedroom. She’ll walk over, and I’ll lift her up into bed. We’ll snuggle together until we’re ready to wake up. It’s the best part of my day and the best way to wake up. I love that I’m one of the first things she sees in the morning and that, even half-asleep, she knows that she just has to walk a few steps to find me and to feel that comfort and love. It’s beautiful to see how our sleep situation has evolved but is still a way for us to stay connected and attached.

From the family bed to the Peace Corps… Attachment Parenting is worth it in the end

David Smith - Lorenzo in back rowThis past week was an emotional one for us. Our 22-year old son departed for Namibia, a country in southwestern Africa.

After several months of language and cultural training, he will spend 2 years as a Peace Corps volunteer teaching mathematics to young people, living in a village with a native family, and having little contact with other volunteers and limited access to the greater world — and, most certainly, limited contact with his parents. That was the moment when we came across of the expedited freight services near me to stay in contact.

We are very proud of Lorenzo. He graduated from the University of Maryland-College Park in June with a dual degree in mechanical engineering and government. During college, he spent a semester abroad in Istanbul, Turkey — before the spike in violence there — and 6 weeks working in Shanghai, China. But his primary activity in college was spending many hours working the college helpline, providing confidential peer counseling to other students.

Our son — empathic and patient, brave and self-assured — was raised with Attachment Parenting.

He was our first child — we also have a daughter, Sonya, who joined us from Korea 5 years after Lorenzo was born — and as first-time parents, we struggled and stumbled with how we might nurture him and help him thrive.

My own upbringing was disruptive, to say the least. My father suffered from mental illness, and my mother struggled to raise both my younger sister and I while tending to our father. Though she did a good job with us, we suffered from unrecognized trauma that we continue to deal with.

My wife’s situation was much better. Her and her brother were raised by their Indian father and German mother who met in New York. Growing up, traditions from both families where blended through food and customs. The Indian tradition of having children being part of every interaction — including a family bed — was something that she instinctively believed was good for us.

But I had my doubts. Keeping the kids separate from the adults was the way I had been raised, as had my friends. Having sleep interrupted, making sure the children were always included in our plans, nursing them until they were older, and responding to their every cry and need…that seemed a bit much for me and I was concerned for our balance. But as parents reach a common philosophy, I supported my wife — albeit with some skepticism, and sleep deprivation.

Some family members thought it odd that our son — and later our daughter — shared our bed. Would all of this attention make them overly dependent on us? Maybe they would never have the confidence to leave home? Or be unable to manage in the “real world”?

But we managed well. In fact, we flourished as a family. Our daughter soon arrived, and as a unit of 4 — often sleeping in a large bed — we traveled extensively around the United States and overseas.

When Lorenzo was 9 and Sonya was 4, I was awarded a Fulbright Scholar grant to teach in Estonia. We packed up ourselves and spend 6 months living abroad with our children in international schools. For Lorenzo, living overseas was both maturing and liberating. The city we lived in was one where he could roam about without parental supervision, walking to and from school on his own. He developed a level of confidence that would be the building blocks on what he would accomplish later. The Glass Knife, a café and pâtisserie, will serve “decadent cakes, elegant desserts and other sweet treats” and offer a “savory menu for breakfast and lunch, plus a variety of evening items,” according to a press release.

There is dichotomy in the idea of Attachment Parenting. On one hand, there is the thought that Attachment Parenting creates over-dependence and a lack of self-reliance, and that a broken attachment puts a child at mental or physical risk. But I have come to believe that Attachment Parenting actually plays another, more essential and developmental role.

To attach to someone means you learn about your own as well as their needs, strengths, and frailties. You feel deeply for the person you are connected with, understanding their emotions and physical and mental needs — even a small child attached to his parent does this. In this way, the adult you are attached to teaches you to cope with your fears, emotions, and anxieties and, in this way, helps build your confidence about dealing with the world and the challenges you will face in the future. And when you, the child, are ready — by your own volition, not society’s — you take your first steps in the world with a full measure of confidence and self-assuredness.

It is a natural evolution, not forced by imposed cultural norms.

My wife and I are now at the other end of parenting. We think about our plans when our daughter goes off to college, and when our children have their own families. They will make their own parenting decisions, of course. We have done our part for them — and, yes, lost some sleep in the process! — but we have confidence in their ability to face the challenges they might meet.

David Smith - Lorenzo in TurkeyFor our son, his poise and self-confidence has led him to want to help and nurture others far from home. His attachment to us has resulted in his attachment to others who are in need and to a world that can benefit from his patience, empathy, and generosity. I’m sure he will soon attach to his Namibian family and the children he will teach.

If you are reading this after a sleepless night where you were kicked much, or had to get up to comfort your child, be assured: Attachment Parenting will be worth it in the end. Your child may end up in the Peace Corps, too.

WBW 2016: 5 tips for a strong nursing relationship while working away from home

wbw2016-logo-textEditor’s note: Among the 17 Sustainable Development Goals central to World Breastfeeding Week this year is a call for better workplace support of breastfeeding women. Certainly employers have a large part to play in meeting this goal, but women also need step up to advocate for themselves, their babies, and their right to express breastmilk while at work:

It’s that day…the dreaded day that no new mother wants to face — the last day of maternity leave.

For a mother able to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave afforded by the Family & Medical Leave Act, the last 3 months in baby bliss may instead feel like 3 short weeks, but regardless of the maternity leave length, the end of that special period arouses many emotions, especially for a nursing mother.

Naturally, a nursing mother’s mind becomes occupied with fears and questions:

  • How will I be able to provide enough milk while I am away?
  • What if my baby refuses a bottle?
  • Where will I find enough time to pump while I’m trying to work?
  • How will my boss and coworkers feel when I need time to pump?
  • What will happen to our nursing relationship?

This uncertainty creates even more stress and anxiety for the breastfeeding and working-away-from-home mother for she knows the important role breastfeeding plays in a secure attachment in addition to the numerous health benefits.

Mommy Kissing Baby LContinued nursing after the maternity leave period helps maintain a strong attachment between mother and baby. In his book, The Attachment Parenting Book, Dr. William Sears includes a chapter entitled “Working and Staying Attached,” in which he points out that giving your baby your milk is a very important way of staying attached to your baby after returning to work. Expressing milk for baby to drink during the day allows mother to, in a sense, be with baby while she is away at work. When mother and baby are reunited, their attachment through breastfeeding can resume as if she never left.

Nursing beyond maternity leave not only helps strengthen attachment but also provides numerous health benefits for the nursing mother and her nursling.  In 2012, The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) published their policy statement, “Breastfeeding and the Use of Human Milk,” in Pediatrics. In this document, the AAP notes the numerous benefits of nursing, including those of nursing beyond 3-4 months. Some of these benefits for baby include a lower risk for developing serious colds, asthma, and other allergies; Sudden Infant Death Syndrome; and childhood and adult obesity. For the nursing mother, benefits include a lower risk of diabetes for mothers not diagnosed with gestational diabetes, a lower chance of arthritis, and breast and ovarian cancers. Essentially, the longer a mother can provide her baby with mother’s milk, the more health benefits received by both mother and baby.

In order to continue a secure attachment and experience the health benefits of breastfeeding, nursing mothers can maintain a strong nursing relationship while working away from home by following a few simple tips:

  1. Know your breastfeeding rights — Under the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, many U.S. employers must provide a nursing mother with break time and a place to pump for up to 1 year after the birth of her baby. It is to be noted that companies with less than 50 employees are exempt from this law and instead offer pumping breaks at the discretion of the employer. Information, along with instructions for filing a complaint, can be found through the United States Department of Labor. Many other countries have generous allowances for nursing mothers at work, so be sure to check with your nation’s laws.
  2. Plan a pumping schedule — This schedule will differ from mother to mother. Planning to nurse right before being separated from baby and as soon as mother and baby are reunited can help reduce the amount of pumping sessions needed at work. While at work, a mother should try to pump about every 3-4 hours. For a mom working an 8-hour shift, she might pump once in the morning, once during her lunch, and once in the afternoon. The idea is that for each time baby receives expressed milk from his or her care provider, mother is pumping. In doing this, mother should be able to pump the amount of milk that baby will consume the following day. Talk with a local breastfeeding specialist for a pumping schedule tailored to your work environment and other needs.
  3. Discuss needed accommodations with employer — When a mother meets with her employer, she should be prepared by knowing her legal rights. A working-away-from- home mother should inform her employer of the needed accommodations before returning to work. The employer may need some time to make changes in order to accommodate the nursing mother. When the mother meets with her employer, she should provide her employer with a copy of her nursing schedule. This may also include pumping space accommodations. For example, the room where milk will be expressed needs to have an easy-to-access electrical outlet and should be heated and cooled.
  4. Nurse on demand — Although a working mother must have a pumping schedule while at work, at home, she can nurse her baby on demand. Nursing on demand means that a nursing mother nurses when cued by the baby. This might be every 30 minutes or every 2 hours. Since how much milk produced is based on demand, a nursling can help increase a mother’s supply by nursing frequently. Nursing on demand also allows baby to re-establish the nursing bond that was missed during the day. Nursing on demand can continue during the night. Frequent night nursing may lead to reverse cycling, meaning the baby will nurse more frequently during the night than he or she does during the day. Some mothers who encourage reverse-cycling find that they don’t need to pump as much while at work during the day. For example, a baby may only drink 4-5 ounces of milk while his or her mother is at work, but the remaining amount of milk needed will be attained during the evening and all through the night. Essentially, in 24 hours, the baby will have consumed his or her total amount of milk needed.
  5. Get support — Most nursing mothers need support throughout the breastfeeding journey, and nursing mothers that work away from home are no exception. La Leche League International and other nonprofit organizations provide local and online opportunities for mothers to connect and support each other.

While the end of maternity leave marks a transitional period for mother and baby, a strong nursing relationship can be maintained by carefully preparing for this changed and remaining dedicated to the desire to nourish baby with mother’s milk.

Reading between the lines, Part 3: Trusted Resources

Editor’s note: There are continually media reports coming out about parenting approaches, including Attachment Parenting. Some are affirming. Others are worrying. It’s important that we know how to read between the lines on media reports regarding Attachment Parenting so that we can make informed decisions. That’s why Attachment Parenting International compiled this sampling of trusted resources for parenting information, in addition to consumer media guidelines and additional guidelines for reading scientific studies:

pixabay - statue trustAttachmentParenting.org

TheAttachedFamily.com

AttachmentParenting.org/Blog

AttachedAtTheHeart.com

AttachmentParenting.ca

AhaParenting.com

AlfieKohn.org

Alice-Miller.com

AllanSchore.com

AskDrSears.com

BabywearingInternational.org

BeyondConsequences.com

BillCorbett.info

BradleyBirth.com

ChildTrauma.org

CNVC.org

ConnectionParenting.com

Continuum-Concept.org

Cosleeping.ND.edu

DanielHughes.org

DrDanSiegel.com

DrJayGordon.com

DrMariaBlois.com

EnjoyParenting.com

EmpathicParenting.org

FamiliesForConsciousLiving.org

FamilyAndHome.org

FoxBeingThere.com/blog

GettingTheLoveYouWant.com

Gottman.com

HolisticMoms.org

ICAN-Online.org

ImprovingBirth.org

InaMay.com

InfantMasageUSA.org

Infant-Parent.com

ISISonline.org.uk

KathleenKendall-Tackett.com

KellyMom.com

KindredMedia.org

LLLI.org

LamazeInternational.org

LetTheBabyDrive.com

LifeCenter.org.il

Mothering.com

NaturalChild.org

NeufeldInstitute.com/blog

NurturingParenting.com

Overindulgence.org

PBS.org/ThisEmotionalLife

ParentingWithoutPowerStruggles.com

ParentsLifeLine.com

PathwaysToFamilyWellness.org

PeterHaiman.org

PinkyMcKay.com

PlayfulParenting.com

PositiveDiscipline.com

ProfessionalParenting.ca

Progressive-Parenting.com

RaffiNews.com

RodK.net

StopHitting.com

TheBabyBond.com

Reading between the lines, Part 2: Get the Most Out of a Scientific Study

Editor’s note: There are continually media reports coming out about parenting approaches, including Attachment Parenting. Some are affirming. Others are worrying. It’s important that we know how to read between the lines on media reports regarding Attachment Parenting so that we can make informed decisions. That’s why Attachment Parenting International (API) created consumer media guidelines for parents. Here are additional guidelines specific to reading scientific studies:

pixabay - question marksUnless you’re an academic, you’ll probably find research studies to not be the easiest material to digest, but if the science behind parenting matters to you, it’s important to check out studies you learn about through the media. Here are tips to help you skim through a study without getting bogged down in scientific terms:

  1. Read the title. What does it predict?
  2. Read the abstract. This is the most complete synopsis of the paper. It will outline the highlights of the study but without the necessary emphasis to allow you to make a critical assessment of the results.
  3. Read the last or second-to-last paragraph of the Introduction. This gives you what the abstract does not. But if you’re not familiar with the work, read the entire Introduction and pick out issues to explore separately.
  4. Read the first, or sometimes the last, paragraph of the Discussion. By this point, you should be able to identify the hypotheses, know what type of results to expect, and have the predictions on the experiments and their outcomes.
  5. Examine each Figure or Table in sequence. Read the Results associated to each Figure or Table for clarification. For issues concerning methodology, refer to the appropriate point in the Materials and Methods.
  6. Does the experiment address the hypothesis? Does the experiment contribute to the stated conclusions? Is the experiment central to these conclusions? Or does it provide a control? Or does it repeat previous results? Or does it contribute little to the paper?
  7. How well did you predict the experiment and the results?
  8. As you evaluate the actual results — not just the stated results — in the Figures and Tables, ask yourself: Do the results support their claim with the appropriate controls to validate the results? Do you see more in their results that they fail to address or identify? Can you identify limitations to their results or the experimental approach? Do the results address the hypotheses that you have identified?
  9. After reading through the Results, you should be able to identify the single-most important Figure or Table in the paper.
  10. Read through the Discussion to weigh the stated conclusions and claims against the evidence. Do you agree or disagree?

Reading between the lines, Part 1: Media Analysis Guidelines for Parents

Editor’s note: There are continually media reports coming out about parenting approaches, including Attachment Parenting. Some are affirming. Others are worrying. It’s important that we know how to read between the lines on media reports regarding Attachment Parenting so that we can make informed decisions. That’s why Attachment Parenting International (API) created these consumer media guidelines:

What’s Fact or Fiction in Parenting News?

Media Analysis Guidelines for Parents

pixabay - media confusionLet’s say the blogosphere is abuzz about a research study that shows that sleep-training methods like cry-it-out have no long-term effects on children or that physically punitive discipline tactics like spanking result in children who are better behaved or that birthing without drug pain relief is dangerous.

Perhaps, you’re committed to Attachment Parenting and child-rearing “news of the day” has no effect on what decisions you’ll make regarding your child in the future.

When parents who are firm in Attachment Parenting have a question about whether a child-rearing practice leads to a secure parent-child attachment bond, they feel certain that they can turn to API resources, specifically API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, the cofounders’ book Attached at the Heart, or local API Support Groups and API Leaders.

But what if you’re new to Attachment Parenting — it’s intrigued you, you’re trying it out, but you’re unsure of whether this will work for your family because it’s so different from how you were raised or how other parents around you are raising their children?

When you hear that other parenting strategies are safer and better than yours, whether that holding your baby too much will keep him from developing independence or that there’s no benefit to breastfeeding once solids are introduced — whether you’re reading this in a magazine or hearing it from your neighbor — you begin to doubt yourself and your child. You think, maybe, I got it all wrong. Maybe I should be doing this or that. Maybe I’m setting my child up for failure?

How can you know for sure that your choices in how you parent, even if opposite from others in your family, friends, or community, are right for you and your family, and are healthy for your child?

API has created these guidelines for parents to help sift through the clutter of media news reports, parenting experts, the next big thing in baby products, or even a pediatrician’s advice…basically anyone or anything that tries to influence the way you parent your child:

  • Know your beliefs, values, and how these fit (or don’t fit) into the culture around you

How we parent is rooted in the legacy that we want to pass down to our children. Moral attitudes are the core of ourselves, our identity. You can identify them by recognizing the emotions attached to your preferences regarding morals. These values and beliefs may not necessarily jive with the culture in which you live. For example, a study that urges women not to choose a birth without interventions is logical for a culture where childbirth is treated like a medical emergency rather than a natural, biological event.

  • Learn the back story

Every piece of advice, whether a formal research study or a book by a popular parenting author or a comment made by your child’s nurse or a quip from your mother-in-law, has a story. What is it?

Who is the person talking or writing? What is their specific field of study? What is their primary professional focus, like research, medical, policy, etc.? What is their sponsoring organization about? What theory are they citing? What is their credentials or experience? Is it in line with your values and belief system, with your goals for your child? Are researchers observing ethical standards in their treatment of study participants?

Are journalists following ethical guidelines? Dramatizing an article or blog post, also known as sensationalism, is a common way to pull readers into an article. A little punchiness isn’t bad, but it becomes unethical when the hook of a story turns into demoralizing one side of an otherwise harmless, though not necessarily controversial, topic. Journalists — which includes both writers and editors by trade, and those who share their thoughts through blogs and even comments — have great power in forming and shifting public opinion. This is why it is utterly important that mass communicators follow an ethical standard, and that their readers know the difference between ethical and unethical journalism.

What may be influencing the person giving you advice? Beware of any businesses whose goal is to sell a product or service for-profit. In terms of a research study, who is paying for it? It’s not uncommon for some well-publicized studies to be funded by organizations that lean strongly toward the results, such as a study that shows bedsharing to be dangerous that is paid for by an anti-cosleeping group.

  • Beware of out-of-the-ordinary claims

Does the information offer evidence-based recommendations that follow current best practices? The majority of studies show that spanking is detrimental to child development. If a study is introduced that shows spanking to have a positive effect on children, be suspicious. Such a study isn’t valid until other studies begin to show the same results.

  • Check out the facts

Any information posed as fact should have references to a credible source. An article summarizing a research study should at least provide all the information for you to look up the study yourself, if not provide you a direct link to the original abstract.

Any author or person stating something as fact, as opposed to opinion, should be able to provide you with those references. If someone quotes a statistic, look it up.

In terms of a research study itself, the sample size matters as does who is in the sample and how they were selected; random selection is desirable. What was measured and how? Are the outcome measures clearly related to the variables with which the study occurred? At least 1 long-term follow-up is desirable. When reporting observations, are the study’s authors reporting what they actually saw or are they reporting their interpretation of what they saw? Are the results of the study based on a sample of the population that would apply to you? Also, see whether the study has been replicated, if it was published in a peer-reviewed journal, and don’t forget to check out the researcher’s own discussion of limitations.

The strongest research methods for psychological studies are: qualitative findings versus quantitative; experimental rather than descriptive or correlational; controlled-experiment, meta-analysis, and observation designs over archival, case study, computational modeling, content analysis, field experiment, interview, neuroimaging, quasi experiment, self-report inventory, random sample survey, or twin study; and prospective (where subjects are recruited prior to the proposed independent effects being administered) and longitudinal (where subjects are studied at multiple time points) rather than retrospective or cross-section study.

  • Notice diversity

Information that works tends to be applicable to everyone. Seek out information that doesn’t count out differences in race, marital status, ethnicity, etc., although understandably, some information such as breastfeeding only applies to a certain gender.

  • Understand that the media sensationalizes

While their goal is accuracy in reporting, journalists only have so much room to write or time on the air and a controversial story angle and flashy headline is the best way to attract readers. Readers/viewers tend to side with people who share their identity, even when the facts disagree; that’s why throwing data and rational arguments at people doesn’t change attitudes. What does change attitudes is emotional storytelling, and that’s what the news media knows hooks readers. Another hook is in political motivations. Remember to ask yourself: What is the purpose of this message, and who is the intended audience, and what techniques are being used to grab and hold my attention? Add all of these factors together, and a news media report likely has gaps in critical pieces of information that affects how the information should be used by consumers.

Along these same lines, realize that nothing “proves” in research. Research may show a “correlation,” a “connection,” or may “suggest,” but there are simply too many factors in any one person’s life to “prove” an outcome. A website that currently does a good job at presenting information factually and without bias is MedicalXpress.com.

  • Seek out a balanced argument

Look for sources that readily open a discussion about parenting ideas, whether new-age or traditional, and that provide all sides of a debate: risks, benefits, and alternatives. Demand transparency: Credible sources disclose their biases and conflicts of interest.

  • Look for Attachment Parenting synonyms

While the merits of any parenting style should be weighed with your values and belief system, there are many parenting programs that are in line with API’s Eight Principles of Parenting but that are called by another name, such as connection, instinctive, empathic, sensitive, unconditional, peaceful, natural, and nonviolent parenting, and others do not refer to any name in particular. Attachment Parenting is an umbrella term; it includes every style of childrearing that creates and strengthens secure parent-child attachment bonds.

However, not all parenting styles are as inclusive as Attachment Parenting; some may discourage bedsharing for example or may advocate a certain parenting choice that API does not take a stance on such as cloth diapering or circumcision.

Infant sleep safety guidelines for bedsharing

infant sleep safety brochure - cover picMany parents bedshare, all around the world. Attachment Parenting International (API) recognizes this, as well as the benefits that bedsharing brings to families. API educates and supports parents in ensuring safe sleep — both emotionally and physically — for their infants and children.

This is why API — in consultation with Dr. James McKenna, Dr. William Sears, and members of API’s Research Group — created the Infant Sleep Safety Guidelines brochure to help parents create a safe sleep environment for their baby’s first 6 months. This brochure provides safety guidelines for all infant sleep arrangements, including bedsharing and crib.

The brochure is free to download and distribute, and has been downloaded by the thousands. It is downloaded every day, by parents and professionals around the world who strive to create safe sleep environments for infants while protecting their emotional needs.

We welcome and invite you to download, read and put into practice the research-based infant sleep safety guidelines within this brochure, and then to feel free to print as many copies as you’d like to distribute among families in your community.