APtly Said – Page 98

Mamas Need White Space

One of my favorite non-mom blogs is Zen Habits. This week he posted about making space in your life using the design principle of creating white space.

Creating white space around the important things and getting rid of clutter lets you focus on what’s important.

I loved the post so much that I immediately began moving things out of my home or into better spots. I’m somewhat of a hoarder and I often pile things up in and around my home instead of finding a good spot for it right away. I also live in a tiny little apartment with a 2-year-old. Nuff said.

So this post was so perfect for me. It clarified for me just why creating space is important. Not just so your house will look clean for when you have company over. But so your mind can concentrate in an orderly space. Interior is affected by exterior.

Then I imagined what parenting would be like if I used the white space principle on my parenting. Lose arbitrary rules. Focus on what’s important, a connection with my child. That’s what really needs to pop out at me.

Using white space creates:

* greater legibility
* feeling of luxury
* breathing room & balance
* more emphasis

Wouldn’t it be nice if we felt those things surrounding our relationship with our children?
Continue reading “Mamas Need White Space”

10 Ways to Gently Respond When Children Say “I Can’t!”

Our son, Kieran, has been struggling with a bout of the “I cannot’s” lately.

“I cannot take my shirt off, you do it mama.”

“I cannot ride my scooter! I cannot!”

“I cannot glue the ribbon on.”

At first, I tried to isolate the problem:

Am I asking him to do too much? His “can’ts” are sometimes, but not always, in response to something I’ve asked him to do, so I don’t think they are the result of request overload or mere unwillingness. And they are usually in reference to a skill or activity that I know he can do, so they are not based on inability or even fear of failure.
Continue reading “10 Ways to Gently Respond When Children Say “I Can’t!””

AP Month 2010 Blog Carnival Updated Information

AP Month 2010 begins on Friday and earlier this month I posted details about the AP Month 2010 Blog Carnival. Here’s a bit of the previous post:

During AP Month 2010, parents are challenged to re-examine their daily physical activities, nourishing routines and habits, and learn new ways to fuel both healthy emotional and physical growth. The “envelope” in which we deliver guidance to our children provides the underlying degree of emotional connection and feeling that can become associated with physical nourishment and activity.

Explore with us the challenges we face in raising children who know the healthiest ways to be nourished in every aspect of life. Participate in our Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival and share your experiences in keeping our children “Full of Love.”

I directed individuals to our Contact Form for blog submissions but unfortunately we are now having a problem with that script. Instead please submit a link to your submission directly to me via email – apispeaks [AT] attachmentparenting [DOT] org. Thank you!

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Brushing Teeth

This post is the first in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. (1) Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, shopping, diaper changes, picking up toys, traveling, transitions, and more. If you want take care of you teeth read articles of a best dentist, here is additional reading. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.

Parenting a toddler or preschooler can be tough. Here we have these little people with minds of their own, and their wants often don’t mesh with our ideas of what is good for them. Thus power struggles are born. Parents have three options in the face of a power struggle:

1) force your will onto your child by power, coercion, or duress;
2) give in to the child;
3) use love and patience to come to a solution with the child.

The goal in our house is to use the third option. We do not believe that forcing our child into compliance, or alternatively never having expectations of him, teaches him how to function in society. We would rather use love and communication so that everyone comes out of potential power struggles with their needs met.

Ideas to Make Tooth Brushing a Positive Experience

Start early: from the time your baby cuts his teeth, get in there every day with a toothbrush. Good oral hygiene is necessary from a young age as plaque can build up. You don’t need toothpaste – just wet the bristles. This will help get your child accustomed to the feel of the brush and the routine of brushing. The teeth could also be a little misaligned. A good idea would be to get the toddler shown to a professional like NicerSmile.com, to align the toddler’s teeth at an early age. However, don’t force the brush into his mouth though, ask him. Let him hold and play with the brush, let him help. Make it fun – smile, sing, playfully tap his nose with the brush. Make the experience a fun one, but at some point try to get in there and tell him “and now we’re brushing your teeth! Let’s get them nice and clean.” (or something to that effect). Whenever you notice any abnormalities in your child’s teeth you should definitely search for general dentistry services for medical help. At WestCobbDentistry we provide several different services in cosmetic dentistry. Children’s teeth are very sensitive and prone to getting diseases, that’s why it’s important to get a check up with your local orthodontist so you make sure they are healthy throughout their next few years of growing up.

Let them see you brush your teeth: I know, we never get the bathroom to ourselves. But in this case it might help establish good habits. Brush and floss in front of your child – be a role model, this way they will get used to it and soon you’ll be able to take them to see a kids dentistry professional!

Let them brush your teeth: turn about is fair play, right? Let your child have some control, give them a chance to brush your teeth with the toothbrush you got from the dentist at your pediatric dental clinic of trust, If you do not have one yet you better Check This Out for high quality service. Having someone brush your teeth can induce a feeling of helplessness or loss of control (think about what it’s like to sit in the dentist’s chair!). Your child might feel better if she can regain some of that control by being in the brusher’s position.

Try fun toothbrushes: toothbrushes come in a variety of colors and designs advertised through dental marketing. You can find toothbrushes that spin, toothbrushes that talk, and toothbrushes with your child’s favorite character.

Allow your toddler to choose a flavor: once you start using toothpaste, get a variety of flavors and let your child choose which one to use at each brushing. Again, this gives him some control of the situation. (2)

Get a special cup to rinse with: Our son uses his Jayhawk cup, and it’s only for rinsing. He loves standing on his step stool to fill the cup, take a drink, and dump it out. Getting a minute to play in the water is definitely part of the draw.

Use a timer or have a special song: if your main gripe is the amount of time your toddler lets you brush, get a timer (find one that doesn’t scare your toddler when it rings) or try singing a long (and silly) song.

Tell stories: create happy, magical stories about brushing teeth. Please, don’t tell scary stories about “the kids who don’t brush.” Make the stories something your child will look forward to – let him be the star of the story. If your toddler is old enough to help narrate, let him fill in some of the details of the story as you brush.

Brush a doll: get a doll or stuffed animal, and let your toddler brush the doll’s teeth. Pay attention while she acts it out – you can learn what parts of tooth brushing might be scary or uncomfortable for her, and you can talk to her about ways to make it more comfortable. For ideas on how to use make-believe a time to reconnect and work through problems, pick up a copy of Playful Parenting.

Make a schedule: if your toddler gets comfort from seeing her schedule, create a chart of what activities you do each morning and evening (those are the two times of day we brush). Using pictures, show a typical sequence – wake up, go potty, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth. It might be comforting for your toddler to know “what comes next.”

Take special shopping trips: make your toddler part of the toothbrush and toothpaste decisions – take him shopping and let him help you pick out his special supplies.

Have a “toothbrush hunt”: When its time to switch brushes hide the new toothbrush and give your toddler clues where to find it and don’t forget to give him or her clear braces at an early age.

Brush the food away: As you brush, pretend that you are brushing away all of the food your toddler ate that day. Let your toddler help you “find” bits of food. “Whoa – did you see that back there? Blueberry pancake! Wait – I see some of the carrots we had at lunch!”

For all of these ideas, I would caution parents not to use any of them as “rewards” for good tooth brushing. You don’t want to turn brushing teeth into a “rewards” v. “punishment” experience. Try to make it positive each time, even if it takes longer than you’d like or it doesn’t go exactly as planned. Have faith that your toddler will learn how to brush her teeth eventually, it just takes patience and kindness from you now, just please don’t forget about the importance of doing monthly visits to the children’s dental care specialist in burnsville mn.

What ideas do you have to help make brushing teeth a good experience? Please share them in the comments as many already did about the cavity fillings and how to take care of them.

_______________________

(1) This post was originally published on Code Name: Mama.
(2) For information on why you should consider choosing fluoride-free toothpaste, read “Fluoride: What Every Parent Should Know” by Paige at Baby Dust Diaries.

Balancing the Car

My family took our first major road trip this summer. We’ve taken smaller road trips before, but this year’s trip was to last 2 ½ weeks. My husband and I had been planning this trip for almost a year, and our whole family was looking forward to it, but first we had to buy a the oscillating tool blades pack to get some repairs to the car and get going. We also wanted to do window tinting to block some of the sun while on the road.Since we are going away for significantly longer journey than we are used to we figured we should also have some reliable professionals check and seal a head gasket since the wear and tear was apparent and we do not want the car breaking down on us while we are off-grid.

Our final destination was over 1000 miles from our home, and while it is possible to drive it in two days, we decided not to do that. The kids, 8 and 5, had never been in a car for that long before, and to be honest, we wanted to make this easy on them, which is why we decided to take the SUVm my husband really wanted to take our Clasiq car, there’s nothing better than a road trip on a classic car; we did check up the history of the car and performed a de NAP Check before buying it, so the kids wouldn’t be disappointed. however, we figured it would have been the best and most comfortable for the kids. After all, this trip was for the entire family; we all have a right to enjoy ourselves! Therefore, we decided to take three days to drive to our destination, and three days driving back. This would mean less time in the car per day, and more opportunity to see sites along the way!

If you are planning to Sell your car for cash and skip all the troubles of selling it yourself. Fortunately, this feature is becoming extremely popular thanks to the demand for quality used cars today. due to this need, it’s quite possible that you simply can sell your car for cash – today. there’s no got to await the duration it takes to sell the car yourself. There are auto dealers which will provide you with cash for your vehicle. The https://www.westernmotorsfresno.com/ are willing to require a second hand car off your hands and add it to their lot’s inventory. Here you can easily sell or buy an used car.

If you buy an used car and after buying, took the car to sell car for cash los angeles before the trip was how to entertain the kids in the car. Here are the things we kept in mind and thought about as we prepared:

To DVD or not: Our vehicle does have a DVD player, but to be honest, I’m not a fan of it. Each family must make the best decision regarding this for themselves, with their needs in mind. Our family has never used ours. We strictly limit screen time at home, and I don’t want to be plugging my kids into the DVD player on a car trip, which otherwise is perfect opportunity for family togetherness!

Be aware of your child’s limits: I didn’t expect my kids to sit and converse for the entire trip. I know their limits, I know their capabilities, and I know their ages! I did not expect them to suddenly act differently or suddenly age five years in the midst of a major road trip. Similar to the dog years rule, one adult hour in the car equals four kid hours! My kids usually get along spectacularly well, but I was aware that they’re normally not strapped into a car for an entire day on a regular basis, either! In abnormal circumstances, it’s entirely possible they could act abnormally.

Plan activity bags: For the few weeks prior to the trip, I packed special travel bags for the the kids. I included Mad Libs, activity books, colored pencils, regular pencils, and drawing paper. I printed off a bunch of webpages, such as information on each state that we would be traveling through, a map of the US where they can check off the all the different license plates we see, dot-to-dots for my youngest, and mazes and puzzles for my oldest. I kept back half the the items and activities, so that I could give them new items for the trip home. I also included little snacks in their bags, renewed every day, so that they could help themselves whenever they were feeling peckish instead of whining “I’m hungry!!”

Audiobooks: The last thing I did to prepare for the trip was to stock up on audiobooks. I checked them out for free from the local library. My original plan had been to read to the kids on the journey, but then I realized that I’m going to be facing forward with my seatbelt on, and it will be difficult for the kids in the back to hear me. So I settled on audiobooks. I got a broad variety of chapter length audiobooks; some the kids are familiar with, and also some new ones. I then printed off a list of all the audiobooks available, and included a copy in each kid’s activity bag.

It’s now been six weeks since we traveled, and I’m ecstatic to report that the trip was a success! We all loved our “car days”, as we called them. We loved talking and singing together, and being with each other for over two weeks! We all loved the audiobooks, and the kids enjoyed their activities. There were no quarrels, no whining, and no impatience. We discovered lots of playgrounds along the way, and saw lots of sites that the kids would never have seen otherwise. They learned things about each state we visited. They each kept a trip journal. They waded in two of the Great Lakes!

My husband and I are already making preliminary plans for our next road trip! We love being together in the car!

What are your tips for keeping kids occupied in the car?

photo credit: thomas pix

Sarah is the mother of two delightful children, and drives way more than she ought.

10 ways to gently respond when children say “I can’t!”

Our son, Kieran, has been struggling with a bout of the “I cannot’s” lately.

“I cannot take my shirt off, you do it mama.”
“I cannot ride my scooter! I cannot!”
“I cannot glue the ribbon on.”

Before teach a toddler to ride, I tried to isolate the problem:

Am I asking him to do too much? His “can’ts” are sometimes, but not always, in response to something I’ve asked him to do, so I don’t think they are the result of request overload or mere unwillingness. And they are usually in reference to a skill or activity that I know he can do, so they are not based on inability or even fear of failure.

Are the “can’ts” related to a mood or condition? I have not connected them to a time of day (i.e., when he is tired or hungry) or an emotional state (i.e., when he is upset). Nor do they appear to be a matter of disinterest.

Does he really think he can’t? The frequency of the phrase made me worry about his developing self-esteem. It is important to my husband and I to respond in a way that will acknowledge Kieran’s feelings as well as empower him, but we weren’t sure how to address the “can’ts.” After researching, reading, and soliciting the advice of some wise mama friends, I came up with the following list of ideas parents may use to respond to a case of the “can’ts.”

10 Ways Parents Can Respond Gently and Constructively When Children Say “I Can’t!”

1.Brainstorm Solutions: Rather than rushing to fix your child’s upset, engage him in the problem-solving process. Be attentive and validate your child’s emotions, and then empower your child to come up with his own solution. Trusting him to figure out conflict will help him develop lifelong coping skills and a healthy self-esteem.
“It looks like your blocks are having a hard time staying stacked up on this carpet, and I understand why you are frustrated when your blocks fall over. What do you think we could do so that you can enjoy building with your blocks?”

This idea is based on Naomi Aldort’s S.A.L.V.E. method, which you can read more about in her book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

2. Help: And then there are the times that your child is feeling tired, hungry, or overwhelmed and just needs some assistance. Your simple offer to help may make things seem a little more bearable. Depending on the age of the child and her level of frustration, your offer to help may be specific or open-ended.
“I can see that you are getting frustrated dressing your doll. Would you like me to hold her for you while you dress her?” or
“I can see that you are getting frustrated dressing your doll. Would you like me to help you? What can I do to make it easier?”

3. Offer a Break: If your child has been working at a task for a long time, they might just need to step back from it for awhile. This is especially helpful for a mentally intense activity (i.e., building a model or reading a difficult book) or an activity that is developing a new skill (i.e., tying shoes or riding a bicycle).
“Would you like to help me water the flowers for a few minutes? You can finish your puzzle after we are done if you’d like to.”
“Sometimes when I am frustrated it helps me to do something else for awhile. Would you like to take a break from your book and play some music?”

4. Identify and Redirect: If your child is making negative generalizations about his abilities, he may be setting himself up for failure and poor self-esteem. “I can’t hit the ball. I will never be able to play baseball.” Instead of hushing him and dismissing his fears, identify the irrational belief and reassure him. With young children, it is also a good practice to identify their feelings.
“You can hit the ball, I’ve seen you! It seems like you are feeling discouraged right now. I know you can play baseball, it just takes practice. Would you like me to throw you a few balls?”

5. Be Present: Some kids might express frustration or inability just to see if you are listening and available. By being actively present for them – especially when they are doing a challenging activity – your attention might be enough to get them on the right track.
“I can see that you are working hard on it. I’m here if you need me!”

6. Focus on Their Effort: The old adage to “focus on the process, not the product” rings true with a case of the “can’ts.” Help your child shift her focus to the process. Comment on her effort or concentration.
“You’ve been concentrating very hard on that drawing!”

7. Give Some Extra Attention: If it seems like your little ones are regressing – four year olds who suddenly “can’t” get undressed alone, three year olds who have lost the ability to feed themselves – it may be that they just need a little extra TLC. Give out lots of extra hugs and cuddles, remind her she will always be your baby, make an extra effort to show her she is your most precious gift.

8. Reassess Your Requests: Are you asking him to do too much? The authors of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” recommend that parents make a list of everything they ask of their children – all of the things we ask them to do and all of the things we ask them not to do. You may be shocked by the number of requests you make of your child any given morning or throughout the day. Similarly, are you asking your child to do something when he is hungry, tired, or preoccupied with his own problems? Kids are more likely to feel overwhelmed if their bodies are low on sleep or fuel or if they are under stress.

9. Be Silly: Instead of getting exasperated when your child feigns inability, turn it into a playful parenting moment. After you both dissolve into giggles, you may be surprised when your little one forgets that she “can’t” do something.
“I can’t take off my shoes, either! I forgot how to untie my shoelaces. Whatever will I do? I will have to wear them to bed! In the shower! Heeeeeelp!”
(While putting her shirt on her feet) “This is how you do it! You put one foot in this hole, and one foot in this hole – voila! What a cute pair of pants! But where is the zipper and snap?”

For more ideas on how to connect with your kids through play, read Lawrence Cohen’s excellent book Playful Parenting.

10. Ask What They Need to Succeed: If your gut reaction is to feel annoyed when you hear your child say “I can’t,” take a moment before responding. Breathe and remember that what your child is feeling is a normal part of the human condition. A friend of mine shared a story to illustrate this point: it is common to hear a woman in labor say “I can’t do this anymore!” Her support person will inevitably respond with “but you are doing it!” We all feel like that sometimes – tired, burnt out, exhausted. When you are at the end of your rope, would you rather someone say “get over it!”, or does it help more to hear “what can I do to help you feel more confident?”
“It looks like you are having trouble tying your shoes. What can I do to help so that you can do it?”

There is usually something more going on behind a child’s “I can’t” than meets the eye. Taking the time to gently respond is an investment in helping our children grow in confidence.

Taking Attachment Parenting to School

My firstborn Hannah is now 5 years old, and we have decided to enroll her in our local public school for kindergarten. We made this decision for a number of reasons, but mostly what it comes down to is that this is what works best for our family. We all have to make our own choices when it comes to school and separating from our children (or not).

As I write this, school has already started, but Hannah is still at home. At our school new kindergartners attend the first day to take attendance and get assigned their classes. Then their parents meet one-on-one with the kindergarten teacher before class gets underway. Once those meetings are all complete there will be a gradual entry process before we get into the full swing of things. We are still very much in the preparation stages before starting kindergarten.

So far, I have been quite impressed by our interactions with the school. Hannah’s teacher is caring and compassionate. She looks at the students as whole people, and at this stage she is focused more on social and emotional skills, rather than academic milestones. The kindergarten classroom contains a variety of toys and materials, including spaces for imaginative and dramatic play.

Even though I am confident in our choice of school, I still have fears as we embark on this journey. I think this is normal. I wonder how will things turn out, and what will Hannah think of school. My own school experiences played a large role in my childhood, and I know they will in Hannah’s, too. As her mother, I hope that her experiences are as positive as possible.

Hannah outside of the school on the first day of kindergarten

To help make the transition into public school gentle for Hannah, I’m looking for ways to remain connected. I believe that a secure attachment can make a big difference to children, even as they grow older and naturally move towards greater independence. And so I’m developing an attachment parenting style for my school-aged child. Here’s what it looks like so far:

I involve Hannah in choosing school snacks, school clothes, school supplies and so on. I want her to have a say in the decisions I make surrounding school.
My husband and I both attended the welcoming conversation with her teacher, and agreed on some goals for Hannah’s entry into school. We want to all be on the same page.
I am volunteering as a Girl Guide leader with Hannah’s unit, and I plan to volunteer in her classroom as I am able. I want to be involved with Hannah’s education and extra-curricular activities, while still maintaining a personal balance of my own.
I am helping Hannah work through her emotions surrounding the new school. She is very excited but also a little bit nervous, and I am doing my best to listen to her, validate her feelings and empower her to handle this transition.
We have visited the pre school playground and had some playdates with the children who will be in Hannah’s class, so that she has some familiarity with the school and children before starting.

I am confident that with a little bit of nurturing, we can maintain a strong attachment throughout Hannah’s school years. This is a big change for us, but also an exciting one. Parenting is never short of adventures, and now we’re starting on a new one together.

Do you have school-age children? How have you helped them to handle the transition into school? What worked, and what didn’t? I could use more tips, if you have them!

You can catch up with Amber’s adventures on her blog at Strocel.com.

The Terrible 2s

I have heard many parents talk about the terrible twos. I have heard many parents change it to the “terrific twos” because they did not want to label something that might turn out different for them that it did with pretty much the entire worlds population.

OK; so maybe I am exaggerating just a little bit, but seriously I almost get irritated with the whole thought that nothing that is going to happen to me or my child will be anything like the experience of anyone else. Why? Because I think that it breaks up the whole feeling of a wider community, a camaraderie if you will between anyone that has ever been a parent. Now don’t get me wrong; I actually do think there are not as many “attachment parents” out there, per se, and there are plenty of things that people say will happen or have to happen in a child/parent relationship that frankly I think is a load. But there are some basic things that seem to be the glue that sticks parents together in a bond of common sympathy and one of those things are the terrible twos.

It was like a light switch was turned on in my son. He went from being fairly passive to throwing, hitting, shoving, kicking… pretty much over night. And that may seem dramatic but it is true! And the screaming! He has never been a terrible screamer but this. There have been many different levels of exhaustion that I have run in to as a parent but as my son has hit two it is not so much exhaustion as it is worn out. I feel worn. The thing about feeling worn is sleep doesn’t really seem to help that much. Thank God he is sleeping well at night now!

It isn’t all bad. He is funny. More and more personality is coming through and I am being introduced and reintroduced to my son on a daily basis. We have fun together. I like taking him places. That is until the thrashing starts, or the screaming. Discipline happens so many times a day now it is crazy. It used to be that he had some form of discipline every few days but it is every day now, several times a day. It is forcing me to get really creative.

Want to share about your terrible twos?

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.