Category: APtly Said

Parental presence: A compromised human right

free images com - Sona PsotovaA little more than half of all babies in the United States — 53% — are born into families that income-qualify for WIC, a federal supplemental nutrition program that serves low-income pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding women and their children from birth to age 5 in the United States.

Think about that for a second: Half of all U.S. babies are born into low-income families, the population segment least likely to be able to take parental leave of any type — paid or unpaid — after the birth of a baby.

We like to think that the U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) covers all families so that even if a couple does not get paid maternity and paternity leave, they can at least take off some time from work without losing their jobs. This isn’t remotely true.

Unless you work for an employer with more than 50 employees within 75 miles of the company, you are not even guaranteed leave under FMLA after the birth of your baby — even unpaid. (There are some state laws that do guarantee maternity and paternity leave, usually unpaid, for companies with fewer employees, but there is nothing consistent from state to state.)  That means that millions of moms, if they are not employed by large companies, risk losing their jobs if they stay home for the medically recommended 6 to 8 weeks following childbirth.

I’ve known moms who’ve been forced by their circumstances to go back to work at 1 week postpartum, or even sooner.

This is a tragedy of human rights in itself, but what does this do to the mother-baby bond?

Bonding time with a newborn in the early months isn’t just a “nice thing” to have or for a mom to get to do if she’s privileged enough. That mother-baby bond — whether secure, shaky or absent — has a significant impact on the trajectory of that child’s life…not only through childhood and in school, but who that child will grow up to be, what socioeconomic status he or she will have, and how he or she will be as a parent, employee and fellow member of society. Just think of what the future may hold for any of those 53% of U.S. babies born to mothers who are not even guaranteed time off from their jobs for even a week after childbirth — let alone the minimally acceptable 6 weeks that is still woefully short of what research shows to be the key bonding time during the newborn months.

Privilege shouldn’t have anything to do with parental leave — paid or unpaid. Because presence, or lack thereof, can have such great influence on the future of each baby born, parental leave is a human right that should be granted to every mother and father, and parental presence is a human right for every newborn baby.

So first the United States needs to work on guaranteeing that all parents have access to at least parental leave after the birth of a baby. But a very close second is to ensure that all parental leave is paid.

Right now, only 12% of U.S. workers in the private sector have access to paid family leave, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. This means that for the millions of moms whose jobs are protected under FMLA, they still likely cannot take off work for the 6 weeks to 3 months allowed because they cannot afford to do so. Their parental leave is not unprotected as is the case with many low-income parents whose jobs aren’t even covered by the FMLA, but it is still under-protected in that they cannot enjoy their full rights and their bonds with their infants may still suffer.

apm logoOur goal at Attachment Parenting International (API) is to keep the discussion on parental leave moving forward, while supporting mothers and fathers no matter whether they have access to paid or unpaid parental leave or even no leave. We were able to generate great momentum during our Attachment Parenting Month in October 2015 with activities centered on the theme of “Parental Presence: Birthing Families, Strengthening Societies.”

Leave-Presence cover - smallIn the latest issue of The Attached Family, we provide a recap of these AP Month editorial pieces as well as a few new articles, with features on:

We hope that this issue of The Attached Family will inspire you to find ways to balance your child’s attachment needs with your family’s financial needs, as well as to join in the national and international discussion on parental leave as a human right to be guaranteed to all families — no matter their employer size or personal financial resources.

donate buttonHelp API continue being able to offer The Attached Family free of charge as an online magazine to families around the world. API is a nonprofit organization and depends on your tax-deductible donations. Even $5 goes a long ways!

 

*Top photo source: FreeImages.com/Soňa Psotová

5 lessons learned about Attachment Parenting after a cesarean birth

Editor’s note: April is Cesarean Awareness Month, an observance of the International Cesarean Awareness Network designed to reduce unnecessary cesareans, advocate for VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and help women heal from the sometimes-difficult emotions surrounding a cesarean birth. While Attachment Parenting International (API) promotes childbirth options with the least interventions, we also recognize that there are certain situations that necessitate interventions. What is most important is that parents research all of their options to be able to make an informed decision:

kelly shealer C sectSometimes, moms who know during pregnancy that they want to practice Attachment Parenting worry that it will be more difficult or impossible after a cesarean birth. But as with any birth experience, the first few days or weeks don’t define your relationship with your child. Attachment is an ongoing process.

Practicing Attachment Parenting after a cesarean may be a slightly different experience than after a vaginal delivery, but it is still absolutely possible.

From my personal experience, I have learned the following 5 lessons of Attachment Parenting following a cesarean birth:

  1. Breastfeeding — It’s a myth that you can’t breastfeed after a cesarean or that it’s always harder for the baby to start breastfeeding. My 2 cesarean babies were champion nursers in the recovery room. But, in some cases, it may take a little more time to get started. Sometimes it takes more time for the milk to come in, and it may be more difficult to find a comfortable nursing position. The football hold is one of the best positions for a mom who has just had a cesarean, as it keeps the pressure away from the incision area. In any situation, a challenging start to nursing doesn’t mean that one can’t successfully breastfeed long-term, and with help and support, most moms certainly can breastfeed after a cesarean.
  2. Babywearing — In the first few weeks after a cesarean, babywearing is difficult, if not impossible, because many carriers will put too much pressure on the mom’s abdomen. Even having the baby positioned higher up on mom’s body for too long can lead to some internal discomfort later in the day. So, it may be best to wait on babywearing, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen at all! Missing out on wearing my son soon after birth didn’t affect our future babywearing, which we did comfortably until he started crawling and no longer wanted to be contained. In fact, I wore him so frequently over those months that it was difficult for me emotionally to realize that this chapter of our relationship was ending.
  3. Cosleeping — It was also possible for us to cosleep after the cesarean. It was actually easier that way than having my son in a crib, because it wasn’t possible for me to bend down and lift him out. The only concern was to be sure that the baby’s feet weren’t going to kick or bump the incision area.
  4. Preparing for a family-centered cesarean — In some situations, moms know in advance that they’re having a cesarean. In this case, moms can try to make it a more positive experience by looking into a family-centered, or gentle, cesarean. This looks different for every family, but it may include having the cesarean performed slowly with the baby walked out gently, having one arm unrestrained in order to hold the baby as early as possible, playing music in the operating room, having the screen lowered at the time of delivery, and breastfeeding in the operating or recovery room. When I learned that my third baby was breech and that I’d be having a repeat cesarean instead of the VBAC I desired, I created a gentle cesarean birth plan, which helped me take control of my birth experience.
  5. Negative birth experience — In some cases, a cesarean is not what a mom wants. She may be unhappy with the way events progressed during her labor or with interventions she didn’t want.  She may feel that she didn’t have enough control over her body. Women are sometimes even told that they shouldn’t care that the birth didn’t go as planned, because all that really matters is that the baby is healthy. It is important to acknowledge that negative feelings about any birth experience can sometimes make it more difficult for a new mom to bond with her baby, and what a new mom in this situation often needs is support. Support comes in many forms. It may be from friends and family, from your local API leader and API Support Group, from a postpartum doula or a medical professional. But even moms who are unhappy with their births or suffer from postpartum depression after the birth can successfully bond and parent in an attached, connected way throughout the child’s life.

Additional API Resources on Gentle Cesarean Births

API’s First Principle of Parenting: Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

Personal stories on APtly Said, API’s blog:

— “A special door“

— “I took back control of my cesarean”

Professional insight on The Attached Family, API’s online magazine:

— “What Goes Into a Family-Centered Cesarean Birth Plan“

— “What to Do When a Cesarean Becomes Necessary“

Editor’s pick: 6 evolved needs for healthy human development

“…we have forgotten that we are social mammals with specific evolved needs from birth.” ~ Darcia Narvaez, PhD, Notre Dame Psychologist, member of Attachment Parenting International‘s Board of Directors

The Attachment Parenting approach can be regarded as parenting guided by nature’s lead — being attuned to our own feelings and instincts as well as our child’s needs, such as following our natural instincts to breastfeed, respond to a crying baby and provide ample physical contact to a developing human baby.

Darcia Narvaez USE5Psychologist Darcia Narvaez has been conducting research on moral cognition, moral development and moral character. On her blog, Moral Landscapes at Psychology Today, she often writes about raising healthy, happy children and parenting. In her writing, she examines the importance of parenting practices that match up with our evolved needs. Narvaez refers to the Evolved Developmental Niche (EDN) as the early “nest” that humans inherit from their ancestors, which matches up with the maturation schedule of the child, emphasizing 6 components:

  1. Naturalistic perinatal experiences
  2. Responsiveness to a baby’s needs including sensitivity to the signals of the baby before the baby cries
  3. Constant physical presence with plenty of affectionate
  4. Extensive breastfeeding
  5. Playful interactions with caregivers and friends
  6. A community of affectionate, mindful caregivers.

These evolved needs align with Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting.

This week’s featured article is a recent study featured in a report by WSBT Television and soon to be published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Science. The study by Narvaes and colleagues Lijuan Wang and Ying Cheng shows that childhood experiences that match with human evolved needs lead to better outcomes in adulthood.

In the study, adults reflected on the EDN in their childhood. The findings point out that children with parents who were affectionate, sensitive and playful developed into happier and healthier adults with better mental health — feeling less depressed and anxious — and better social capacity.

pixabay - newborn and dadAccording to Narvaez, one of the reasons that the well-being of children in the United States lags behind that of children in other advanced nations is because “we have forgotten that we are social mammals with specific evolved needs from birth.”

Young children’s needs and wants often get confused or misunderstood. Perhaps, with a clear understanding of the distinction between the two — needs versus wants — it may be easier for some to realize and accept the importance of meeting early childhood needs. Babies need — not merely want:

  • Their parents to respond when they cry at night.
  • Physical contact — to be held and get a lot of affection.
  • Their parents to be mindful and responsive.
  • To interact and play with their caregivers.

It is reassuring that, increasingly, scientific research shows what our instincts already know: Children need attachment, affection and sensitivity to thrive.

Learn more about how to discern between needs and wants with our infants and children with these API audio recordings — each just $9:

billsears“Needs vs Wants: How to fulfill a child’s needs yet discern his wants in a way that preserves healthy attachment” with William Sears, MD

Jean_Illsley_Clarke_Photo“How Much is Enough? Attachment Parenting, permissive parenting and overindulgence” with Jean Illsley Clarke, PhD, CFLE

For the love of art, authenticity and our children’s dreams

“People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” ~ Thomas Merton, American writer

pixabay - artistWhen my daughter was a toddler, an acquaintance asked me, “What would you like your daughter to be when she grows up?”

I paused. I understood the question, yet I was perplexed and slightly irritated. I responded, “You’re asking me what I would like her to be when she grows up? I’d like her to be happy and do whatever her heart desires.”

A few years later when it became apparent that my daughter’s talent and passion was with the art work, I was asked by a few well-intentioned family members if I was okay with her becoming an artist in the professional sense, pointing out the abiding stereotype of the hopeful, struggling, starving artist. When I replied that I would absolutely be okay with her choice, as I believe it’s essential for an individual to follow their innate talents and interests, I was met with a few raised eyebrows.

It’s not uncommon in our society for parents to persistently persuade or push their kids in the direction of a specific college degree or profession. Parents reason that those professions are more reputable or associated with higher incomes, or are in high demand — securing a job post-graduation.

Naturally, parents want their kids to succeed in life, struggle less and achieve more than they did themselves. We bear our own life experiences while navigating through parenthood: Our dreams, regrets, failures, achievements and successes are all engraved in us. Consciously or subconsciously, we project those experiences onto our kids. We ought to examine who we are and how it plays out in our parenting paradigm while recognizing and respecting who our kids are.

Being a pragmatic person, I realize that a career in the arts may not offer the perceived financial security or stability that other professions do. We need to manage reality and ensure our kids grow up to become adults who are well adjusted in this world and that includes being able to support themselves financially without struggles.

That said, being a mindful person, I recognize the importance of being an authentic person who possesses inner balance, contentment and peace. Hence, I think that an individual should feel free to elect a profession of their own choosing — a profession that speaks to who they are, nourishing their mind, heart and soul. We are all unique beings with different interests and aspirations, fulfilling different roles in our society — all of which make our world more colorful, diverse and interesting.

As I was gathering my thoughts on this topic, the controversial Old Navy toddler girl T-shirts surfaced at the end of December. I was troubled with the shirts reading “Young Aspiring Artist,” with the word “artist” crossed out in exchange for “astronaut” or “president.”

Perhaps a better display on the T-shirts would have read “Young Aspiring _____” to leave the child free to fill in the blank.

Many people echoed my sentiments. Social media erupted in outrage with online users criticizing the retailer for oppressing and minimizing children’s creativity. Many wondered, “What message are we sending our young children?” and “Is being an artist not a suitable career path for our children?” In response to the backlash, Old Navy issued an apology and the T-shirts were discontinued and pulled off the shelf.

Re-reading Thomas Merton’s quote above, our role as parents is to guide our kids to find their way to the wall they gravitate toward, rather than direct them to the one we perceive would be the right one for them.

Maybe my daughter will not become an artist after all. Life is full of twists and turns. But what I do know is that I will walk alongside her on her path, lending her my support and advice…because it is on her path that she will find and climb her own ladder, the one leaning against the wall that is her calling.

Editor’s pick: The best autism intervention is based in attachment

Attachment Parenting is based on more than 60 years of solid, interdisciplinary research into parent-child relationships, from infant bonding and breastfeeding to nurturing touch and discipline. We have a long line of researchers — and advocates helping to incorporate their findings into society — to thank for how we look at families today: that how parents interact with their children matter, in real time and over the lifetime, in child development.

stanley greenspanOne of those scientific greats — recognized by Attachment Parenting International (API) during our 20th Anniversary celebration in 2014 — was the late Stanley Greenspan, an American child psychiatrist who redefined child development. His work led to a change in how parents view the value of nurturing — encouraging them to cultivate connection with their children, excite their child’s interests, and value creativity and curiosity.

Dr. Greenspan also developed Floortime therapy, a treatment approach for children with autism and developmental disabilities that addresses the speech, motor and cognitive skill delays of affected children holistically, via emotional development and interpersonal communication, through the parent-child attachment relationship.

Very simply, Floortime happens when parents get down on the floor and engage with their children through play. Key to Floortime is that the parent enters the child’s games at the child’s development level and follows the child’s lead in those games. A therapist is then able to guide the parents on how to encourage their child to increasingly complex interactions. For example, if the child is tapping an object, the parent could join in by tapping the object in the same manner. To encourage interaction, the parent might then introduce a new object and eventually add a language element.

In observance of World Autism Awareness Day on April 2, this week’s featured article is “What We Know About Autism: Separating the Science From the Scandal” in Vogue, written by health journalist Lauren Mechling.

In the article, we learn that autism is no rare medical condition. In fact 1 in 68 American children — more often boys — is on the spectrum. While it appears that the disorder is much more prevalent than it was 40 years ago, high detection rates rooted in being better informed of early signs is at least partly behind this trend.

While the cause of autism remains largely unknown, researchers agree that it is likely a complex mixture of genetic and environmental factors.

Treatment options seem just as vague, with no drug treatments developed specifically for core autism symptoms. The article continues on, identifying that the most effective treatment currently is early detection combined with intervention therapies aimed at helping young children build neural pathways through face-to-face interaction with a caregiver during Floortime.

And that’s thanks to Dr. Greenspan.

API Resources for Parenting & Autism

Many parents of children on the spectrum find attachment-based parenting choices to be critical to developing positive relationships with their children. API has many resources for parents of children with autism, including:

Personal stories on APtly Said, API’s blog —

“Mothering autism”

“Attachment Parenting and autism”

“Today is World Autism Awareness Day 2010”

“Saved by Attachment Parenting”

“How not to practice positive discipline“

Professional insight and a few more personal stories on The Attached Family, API’s online magazine —

“An Attachment Parenting approach to autism”

“Autism: Interview with pediatrician Dr. Robert Sears”

“From heartache to hope: Interview with Leisa Hammett of The Autism Society of Middle Tennessee”

“A boy brought back from autism”

“Different, not disordered: Interview with Dr. Barbara Probst“

Additional resources from API —

bob searsAudio recording with Dr. Robert Sears about treating autism — only $9

kidswithcamerasThe documentary, “Kids with Cameras,” following children with autism as they learn how to express themselves through films, poems, painting and music — now just $15

5 tips for mindfully coping with chronic illness — for your child and you

The practice of mindfulness can be tremendously helpful under all kinds of life circumstances. Today, I want to chat about how mindfulness can help your child — and your whole family! — deal with chronic illness.

inga bAfter years of guiding, counseling and working with hundreds of families, blending more traditional psychotherapy approaches with mindfulness and yoga, and creating 2 mindfulness-based coping group programs — MAPLE MINDS for toddlers and parents, kids and teens as well as MindBodyFeel for adults to helping people cope with stress, illness, pain and whatever else life throws our way — I’ve got a few takeaways to share with you that might help lighten your load and help you feel a little more happy, confident, relaxed and at ease…no matter what is currently going on in your life.

free images com - jin neohLet’s start right here and right now by…

1) …Mindfully acknowledging, identifying, accepting and welcoming all emotions that arise — our child’s emotions as well as our own! — be they pleasant or unpleasant. Of course, as parents, we want our children to be well and happy. The last thing we want is seeing them feel pain, severe anxiety, nervousness, tension, anger or despair. So all too often, while providing comfort for our little ones, we might “automatically” find ourselves quick with suggesting distractions, pushing those uncomfortable feelings away as fast and as far as possible, and rushing to move on to something more pleasant and enjoyable.

However, the practice of mindfully acknowledging, identifying, accepting and welcoming all emotions that arise will help your child understand that all emotions are valuable, welcome and have their place in our lives. It can be a huge relief to feel that it’s OK and “normal” to be upset/angry/anxious every once in a while. We all do. It’s totally fine. And from here we can learn how to cope with it.

2) …Mindfully connecting to ourselves, our breath, our body, our bodily sensations, our emotions and our thoughts – and reconnecting to ourselves if we got lost somewhere. Let us be positive role models for mindfully strengthening our intuition as a source of our own inner health and wellness guide. If we re-learn how to look within, connect and listen to our intuition, we will have an easier time making smaller and larger decisions and figuring out what is good for us in any given moment of our life. This is great news in general, of course, and especially helpful when you have to navigate your way through tough medical questions and decisions.

It can be as easy as one big belly breath, as I wrote about here.

3) …Mindfully exploring our body and experiencing it as whole and complete — just the way it is in this very moment, whatever this might look like. Especially when we grow up while over and over getting the message that something is “wrong” or “does not work quite right” in one or more parts of our body, we risk developing a negative or otherwise dysfunctional body image and self concept. From here, it is a slippery slope downward, possibly drowning us in all sorts of self-doubt, negative messages about ourselves and our bodies, and general pessimism.

While we might not be able to shield our child from all of this, there are things we can do to mindfully and gently support a more supportive self-concept and body image. It is tremendously helpful, especially for these kids, to enjoy moments — as in age-adapted mindful meditation, in visualization practice, or in yoga and mindful movement guided by our breath — where they experience their body as whole and good and complete just as it is…as opposed to a fractioned collection of body parts that are more or less “functional.”

4) …Mindfully experiencing and expressing gratitude, even in the midst of what might sometimes look like a complete disaster. Yes, you might experience moments of despair, of complete helplessness and hopelessness. And some of these thoughts might creep up in your mind, triggered by all your understandable anxiety, tension, sorrow, worry and pain: “Why my child?” “Why does her life look like this, while all her friends lead a normal life?” “How did we deserve this?”

It is important to again mindfully acknowledge all your thoughts, emotions and sensations that arise and to give yourself honest permission to feel and explore these. But sometimes we risk letting ourselves get too carried away by these, thus possibly paving a path for depression and other conditions which might not be so helpful, adaptive and desirable.

So what to do? Try installing a regular gratitude practice with your child or, better yet, with your whole family. Make it a daily habit to briefly reflect on what made you feel happy, grateful or plain good today. I call this “Smiley Practice” when leading MAPLE MINDS groups for the younger kids. We roll around a smiley ball while sitting in a circle, and each of us shares something that made us smile today. This can be something very small like a smile someone gave us, a flower or some beautiful leaves we saw outside, or the fact that the sun is shining today.

I make it a point that this practice is not about pretending that we are happy when we are not — which would totally counteract point #1 above. It is about re-sensitizing ourselves for all the beauty, happiness and love that surrounds us in each and every moment — a skill that many of us tend to lose when faced with arduous conditions like chronic illness or pain. Only if we were to discover how it works, we can re-train our brain! And while this might not cure our child’s disease it can have quite a deep effect on our mood, coping capacity and general outlook on life.

5) …Last but not least, trying to put your mindfulness practices in effect when connecting with your family, with like-minded peers and, very important, your team of healthcare specialists. This way you will be able to intuitively find and create a support network for your child and your family which will help you feel more connected, embedded and understood.

Even if dealing with your child’s chronic illness might oftentimes feel like a dark, desperate, painful and very lonely journey, there is always support out there just waiting for you to be uncovered! A mindful approach can help you here. You are not alone!

 

**Lotus flower photo source: FreeImages.com/Jin Neoh

Editor’s pick: The role of control vs collaboration in teens’ future relationships

Free images com - Gabriella FabbriTrust, mutual respect and collaboration are the foundation of a strong relationship, whether the relationship is between spouses, friends, or parent and child.

For a child, the relationship with his or her parents is the first — and most significant — relationship. Parental example has considerable impact on kids, and through our relationship with our child, we model how to engage in relationships.

The Attachment Parenting approach promotes mutual respect and collaboration between the parent and the child, rather than a power struggle, which may lead to different forms of control or manipulation by the parent.

It is important to clarify that Attachment Parenting does not identify with the permissive parenting style where parental boundaries and limits are lacking — nor is Attachment Parenting the same as “helicopter parenting” where the parent is overbearing and demanding, allowing minimal freedom for the child.

This week’s featured article is from Reuters, reporting on a study conducted at the University of Virginia that investigated the negative effects on future relationships of teenagers with controlling parents. The study concluded that teens with controlling parents have difficulties handling disagreements as they get older.

“In this study, we examined psychological control on a continuum, and found that the more psychological control parents exerted, the more difficulties teens had establishing a sense of independence and closeness during a disagreement with close friends or romantic partners,” psychologist Barbara Oudekerk told Reuters:

The Scientific American referenced the same study and mentioned that “separate findings suggest that parents who explain the reasons behind their rules and turn disagreements into conversations leave youngsters better prepared for future disputes.”

When we explain to our kids why we reach our decisions and get them involved in the decision making process, they grow to understand that there is reasoning behind our decisions.  Mommy or daddy didn’t say “no” because they are the authority figure and the child simply needs to comply — as in “because I’m the boss” or “because I said so!”

When the parent-child relationship is built on collaboration rather than control — as in the case of Attachment Parenting — kids will learn to be cooperative because they know there is a reason behind the parent’s decisions. They will develop their own reasoning, critical and independent thinking as it was cultivated and modeled by the parent.

The child may or may not like or accept our decisions. The goal is not to please the child, but rather that the way we set boundaries serves as building blocks for a relationship that is built on trust and respect. Furthermore, we teach our kids how to navigate through disagreements and reach conflict resolution.

 

**Photo source: FreeImages.com/Gabriella Fabbri

Why does Attachment Parenting need a label?

tina mcrorieWe are working toward a day when Attachment Parenting won’t need a label — it will just be parenting.

But as of now, the parenting practices that are based on Attachment Theory, and the ever-growing body of research informed by it, are not well known by the general public. In addition, certain cultural forces are still pointing parents in the wrong direction about what our kids need for healthy development.

Anything that is good can be taken to an unhealthy extreme — which is why Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting includes balance — and when some parents get into a competitive or judgemental mindset, they can offend and alienate others who would benefit from the the information and support that API strives to provide. That’s why local API Leaders are trained to model and encourage respect and empathy with our children, ourselves and others.

Sadly, there are many children who are not securely attached to their parents. Their parents are doing the best they can with the information and resources they have. What they need is information and better support. And so we are here — and here is Attachment Parenting International.

graphic 2Please consider donating $5 to API’s Spread the Love campaign.