fathers – APtly Said

Dads, with Thiago Queiroz

API knows many gems of local parenting support leaders. This Father’s Day, I’m excited to introduce you to Thiago Queiroz–a father who has been absolutely on fire for supporting parents in his native Brazil since his oldest of 4 children were born 8 years ago.

Many parents have been able to “meet” Thiago through his part in the American documentary, Dads. Directed by Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Hollywood film director, Dads illustrates what she refers to as contemporary fatherhood, asking celebrities and everyday men what being father means to them. Premiered at the 2019 Toronto International Film Festival where it was named second runner-up for the People’s Choice Award for Documentaries, Dads released in 2020 on Apple TV+.

Thiago is passionate about supporting parents, but especially fathers. We congratulate him on his work in normalizing nurturing among fathers through his portrait on Dads. Let’s get to know Thiago a bit more:

Q: To begin, please share about your family:

A: I’m married to Anne, and we now have 3 kids: Dante (8 years old), Gael (6 years old), Maya (2 years old), and my wife is also pregnant again. The baby is called, Cora and she’s expected to be born by the end of the year.

I’ve been an API Leader for around 8 years here in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Q: What brought you to API?

A: When my first son was born, I was feeling a bit lost, trying to understand how I could raise my child. My own parenting references were not of the attached kind, and the only thing I felt was that I wanted to do it differently with my child.

Also, for being a father in Brazil, I didn’t have any references of fathers who were actually involved in raising their kids, because our society only expects moms to really take care of their kids, while the dads are seen as unable to take care of a baby. That didn’t make any sense for me at that time (and still doesn’t), so I started researching different views on child rearing.

Gladly, I found API and getting to know [API’s 8 Principles of Parenting] was one of the best things that happened to me, because I started to understand how we can build strong emotional bonds with our children and more important: I understood how I, as a father, could do so many things with my baby toward a strong secure attachment.

Afterwards, I started helping API, so I translated its Principles into Portuguese and became a leader.

Q: So, how did you learn about the Dads film and come to be part of its cast?

A: Back in 2017, I received an email from the production team, which was interested in getting to know different dads around the world, for a new documentary on fatherhood they were going to work on. I honestly didn’t know much about the project itself, but since one of my missions is to advocate for responsible and attached fatherhood, I offered myself to help in any way I could.

I never heard from them again until mid-2018, when they sent me another email saying they really wanted to film my story and were going to fly a crew down to Brazil to film me and my family.

From that point on, everything was just too fast: They arrived one week later, because they were in a hurry to finish the documentary. There was only one story left to film, which was my story, because one of the stories they filmed (also from a Brazilian dad) didn’t actually work out and had to be removed from the film. So, yes, everything was just too fast!

Q: What was it like for your family to be included in Dads?

A: We’ve never participated in anything like that, so everything was new to us. The crew spent a whole weekend here with us, filming us and interviewing me and my wife. Even though we had a lot of people here, they were so professional we barely noticed them filming our daily routines.

So it was normal life for us, waking up Saturday, getting kids breakfast, taking care of our children, playing with them until I could put them in bed, so most of the time the crew was quietly shooting our normal activities.

I also host a fatherhood podcast with a couple friends (it’s called Tricô de Pais), so the crew filmed a recording session of my podcast, which was really nice, too.

On Sunday, they filmed a bit more of our routines and started the interviews with me and my wife, which was very funny because here only me and my wife speak English, not the kids, so they were really amazed in having all the different people with us, speaking a weird language.

It was an amazing experience!

I still didn’t know much about the project, because I only wanted to help promote an attached fatherhood. So only Sunday night, the producers showed me a bit about the documentary and only then I realized it was a huge thing – a film directed by Bryce Howard and with Will Smith on the casting. We were totally blown away with that and really happy to see how far the message of a more loving fatherhood could be spread.

Q: What are your thoughts about Dads as a film?

A: I think the film is extremely important in today’s society. We need to have more examples and role models for diverse and loving fatherhoods (yes, in plural!). Fatherhood is not a simple thing and being able to show the world how different men can care and love their children is not only important but urgent.

Q: What responses have you received from others who’ve viewed Dads?

A: The responses were amazing. I keep receiving messages from dads all over the world on my Instagram page (@paizinhovirgulaoficial), saying they learned a lot and also cried a lot watching my story on the film. It’s so important to have this feedback, because those similar experiences are exactly what connect us.

So having a mainstream documentary on fatherhood is a huge thing, especially when this documentary takes the subject very seriously, not portraying fathers as buffoons or mothers’ helpers.

Q: What is it like to challenge the status quo of fatherhood in Brazil?

A: It’s very challenging, because people around me, especially men, don’t understand why I should be taking care of my kids so closely and lovingly if “there’s already a mother doing this.”

We live in a society which has a strong “macho” culture, so it’s difficult to find peers who understand the importance of creating strong and safe bonds between fathers and children.

Q: So, what tips can you offer men to rise to this challenge of choosing to be nurturing fathers?

A: My tip is, look out for other men like you. We might not be many yet, but we really need to get together and start talking about toxic masculinity, for instance, and how it affects the way we parent our children.

Being a nurturing dad is the best gift you can give to your child, but also to yourself, your wife, and society. Let’s find our peers and overcome these challenges, inviting other men to reflect on this, too.

Q: Thank you so much, Thiago, for your time and insights! Is there anything else you’d like to share?

A: Please watch Dads, and if this film touched your heart and makes sense to you, I suggest watching The Mask You Live In [directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom], which is another documentary on manhood. It’s impossible to become truly a nurturing dad without rediscovering yourself as a man.

Fatherly pushes for universal paid paternity leave, provides resource for U.S. dads

For being such a progressive country, the United States can be downright dismal when it comes to many family policy trends.

The vast majority of developed nations in the world guarantee paid parental leave after the birth of a baby–in the least, two months in Ireland; at the most, more an one and one-half years in Estonia.

In the U.S., former President Donald Trump made headway in 2019 by signing a law that guarantees federal employees up to three months of paid parental leave for the birth, adoption, or fostering of a child. But it only applies to federal employees.

The U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act guarantees up to three months of parental leave within a year if the leave hasn’t already been used for personal medical reasons, and that leave is unpaid. Nine U.S. states have enacted paid parental leave law. Otherwise, it is up to employers to provide paid leave.

As of 2020, 55% of employers provided any sort of paid parental leave, 45% of which offered paid paternity leave. This represented a jump of 15% in just one year and 30% in three years (just 25% of employers provided paid parental leave in 2015 and 40% of employers in 2019).

This is encouraging but not enough. This has long been among API’s top areas of advocacy, and we have many allies.

Mike Rothman, cofounder of Fatherly, testified to the U.S. House of Representatives’ Ways and Means Committee on May 27 in support of paid leave.

Fatherly is a unique digital platform, specializing in independent and non-partisan journalism with a mission to empower men to live fulfilling lives as nurturing fathers.

“At its core, Fatherly understands that in an economy in which both parents are working, empowering men as caregivers is crucial. By giving them the tools and community, we aim to help remove cultural stigmas around caregiving work.” ~ Read Our Written Testimony to the House Ways & Means Committe on Paid Leave, Fatherly

Fatherly is filling a void left wide open between the unmistakable amount of research underscoring the vital importance of involved, nurturing fathers…and a mainstream U.S. culture that sorely lacks in supporting the fathers that are children need.

Universal paid paternity leave is part of that missing support, and Fatherly has organized an impressive resource, “The Fatherly Guide to Parental and Paternity Leave,” to help parents navigate the state of parental and paternity leave in the U.S.

You’ll learn how paternity leave builds confident fathers, how to talk to your unsupportive boss, strategies for the challenges you may encounter during paternity leave, how to prepare for your return to work after leave, and more.

Most importantly, you’ll be engaged in important advocacy for yourself, your family, and fathers everywhere by challenging the status quo and requesting parental leave as a father, and then by sharing this link with other fathers and fathers-to-be in your life.

That’s how meaningful change happens. Policy shifts when the voices in support of positive change grow loud enough. This Father’s Day, let your voice be heard.

Kids speak out: My favorite thing about my dad is…

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) continues with APtly Said’s celebration of fathers through the theme of “Fathers are special.” Dads, we recognize and honor your involvement and presence in your children’s lives. Together, hand-in-hand we are mightier, nurturing children for a compassionate world.

Fathers are different than mothers — and that’s a good thing!

Generally speaking, fathers play a different role as the caregiver in the family: They are more playful and risk-oriented, whereas mothers are more nurturing and are more concerned with the safety and security of their child. The difference in parenting styles stems from different life experiences as well as distinct traits. Children greatly benefit from their father’s participating in their care — more prominent in recent decades — as they get to experience a more balanced view of the world and various ways to interact in the world. A lot of medical practitioners have committed medical malpractices in one way or the other on patients for treatments. For instance, a medical doctor might recommend an unnecessary surgery to a patient for injury sustained, but instead of the operation to heal the injury, you were able to discover through many medical checkups done with another doctor that the surgery did worsened it. The patient that this has happened to will file a lawsuit because he/she understands the medical malpractice guide well. But this is quite unfortunate these days that many individuals that have similar or related medical malpractice have happened to not know their rights. Some set of individuals are affected by cases like this, and they did not do anything because they don’t know it is something they can fight against. We cannot continue to let people suffer in the hands of medical practitioners that fail to do the right things in treating a patient. Our team has shown concern by trying to treat the issue so everyone can act when necessary to correct the wrongdoings in our society in these modern days. We have included the necessary things to be done and when to carry out the lawsuit if you have been subjected to medical malpractice by medical personnel before. We all can define medical malpractice to mean the deviation of medical doctors from the recognized “standard of care” during the process of giving treatments to patients. What we mean by “standard of care” is when a reasonable prudent medical practitioner performs the right and perfect treatment on a patient. On the norm, medical malpractice when a doctor performs negligently to giving treatment to the patient in need of it.Understanding the elements of a successful malpractice claim is key in an attempt to win your lawsuit. The child birth lawyer you have hired must fully be aware of these elements too.

But truly, each dad is as unique as his personality, and who would be more qualified to express how special they are, than their own children? To that end, we invited a diverse group of children to share with us their inspiring thoughts of what makes their dad special in their lives.

My favorite thing about my dad is…

Noemi, 9: “…that he plays with me.”

Liliana, 8: “…he is funny, loving, caring, and cool. He plays with me when I have no one to play with. Also, he got me ready for stuff like when grandpa died. When I need help, he will help me, like with math. Also, he supports our family.”

Oliver, 10: “…that he is nice.”

Emily, 9: “…that he loves me.”

Adam, 9: “…that he pushes me harder when I feel I will give up and now I can do things I never thought I would be able to do.”

Connor, 7: “…that he is silly and makes up funny navy jokes.”

Nathaniel, 11: “…his drawing skills.”

Ella, 8: “…when he turns me upside down and tickles me.”

Mia, 6: “…the way he makes us laugh and he tells funny jokes.”

Rachel, 11: “…that he loves me and he doesn’t grow a big beard.”

Ethan, 13: “…that he never gives up on things that he starts. He always makes sure to finish work in time to be with us. He never lets us down. Another part of him that I favor is the respect and kindness that he shows to everyone.”

Nathan, 5: “…that he fixes things.”

Ethan, 9: “…that he helps me with everything.”

Gabriel, 20: “…his artistic and compassionate view of reality.”

John, 10: “…he is fun.”

Julian, 18: “…his knowledge of painting and music and his willingness to share it with me.”

Alexia, 11: “…he loves music and so do I. He supported my in home guitar lessons since I was 5.”

Thomas, 9: “…that he is very nice and forgiving, in that he gives us second chances.”

Shelly, 12: “…that he buys me all those expensive art supplies that I need.”

Daniel, 10: “…he always makes time to play with me and he supports our family. Also, he provides everything for my mom, sister and me. He also loves soccer as much as I do.”

Andreas, 13: “…how forgiving and loving he is. He is just an overall unbelievably amazing father.”

—————

Inspired to read more about fatherhood?

Father’s and AP

I am a present father

Dads, talk about being a father

Fathers, enjoy the now

Reflections of AP fatherhood

Being a daddy

Transformation of being a father

How has being a dad changed me?

An adoptive father’s epiphany

Daddy and me

Kids speak out: I admire my dad because…

Editor’s note: The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. This Father’s Day, Attachment Parenting International (API) is celebrating fathers with the theme, “Dads are special.” Dads, we recognize and appreciate the importance of your involvement in your children’s lives — when our children flourish, our society thrives.

Today, more than ever, fathers are taking an active role in all aspects of raising and nurturing their children. Children, families, and society benefit from fathers’ care-giving and parenting contributions.

The importance of early positive father involvement is highlighted in the article, “10 facts about father engagement,” by The Fatherhood Project. According to research, father involvement has lifelong impact on children such as:

Spending time together leads to greater academic success;
Lending emotional support leads to more positive social behavior;
Giving everyday assistance leads to fewer conduct problems; and
Using non-coercive discipline leads to lower levels of depression.

But well beyond research, children themselves feel and know the positive impact their daddy’s involvement makes in their lives. As such, we invited a diverse group of children to share with us their inspiring thoughts about what they admire most about their dad.

I admire my dad because…

Oliver, 10: “…he is lovable.”

Connor, 7: “…he is very smart with electronics and fiber optics.”

Rachel, 11: “…that he hard-working at things, like building the brick sidewalk.”

Adam, 9: “…he is an amazing contractor and he builds everything for me. One day I hope to be just like him.”

Ella, 8: “…he is a really good fisher.”

Daniel, 10: “…he is funny, fair, and kind to my family, and he is a very hard worker so we get the things we need.”

Emily, 9: “…he can build chicken houses.”

Alexia, 11: “…he is always caring and respectful.”

Sofia, 6: “…he works hard and loves us so much.”

Noemi, 9: “…he is good at soccer.”

Nathaniel, 11: “…he is creative and has passed that onto me.”

Ethan, 13: “…he never lets us down. He always has enough energy to cheer us up and make us food when we’re hungry. I think that my dad really has confidence in his children including me. He’s a really lovable guy, always cracking jokes and playing around. I understand that there could be some hard times in life, but we must live to the fullest. That’s what he teaches me.”

Julian, 18: “…he has a very subtle, yet profound, appreciation for art.”

Shelly, 12: “…even though it may not be easy for him, he still works and takes care of his family every day.”

Andreas, 13: “…he is so hard working and determined, it inspires me through my daily life.”

Ethan, 9: “…he teaches me how to do stuff, and he always helps me.”

Liliana, 8: “…he is always kind to us, and he makes money for all of us. He shows us the right things to do, and he makes sure we’re safe and we’re happy.”

Thomas, 9: “…he teaches me many things that helped me greatly through my life.”

John, 10: “…he takes great care of me!”

Nathan, 5: “…he learns stuff.”

Gabriel, 20: “…he has a very good set of morals.”

—————

Inspired to read more about fatherhood?

Being a daddy

Transformation of being a father

How has being a dad changed me?

I am a present father

Dads, talk about being a father

Fathers, enjoy the now

Reflections of AP fatherhood

An adoptive father’s epiphany

Father’s and AP

Daddy and me

The difference a father can make

Still Face: A lesson in responsiveness and relationship repair for ALL caregivers

How important is it that we give our infants and children intentional presence?

The third of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting — respond with sensitivity — is one of two common threads that run through all 8 principles. The other is to provide consistent and loving care.

Research that began with the late psychologist John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory back in the 1950s has shown the critical need for consistently loving, sensitive responsiveness to develop a secure parent-child attachment — that component that forms the foundation of how our babies and toddlers go on to relate to others…in all relationships…through the rest of their lives.

“That initial responsiveness, that interaction between the father and baby, are keys to the baby’s success as a child and an adult.” ~ Richard Cohen, PhD, director of Project ABC at the Children’s Institute

So, yeah, it’s important.

Picture Alternatives has partnered with the Children Institute in Los Angeles, California, USA, in replicating the famous Still Face Experiment developed in 1975 by Ed Tronick, PhD, of the University of Massachusetts’s Infant-Parent Mental Health program in Boston, Massachusetts, USA.

A new video shows the first-ever application of the experiment on fathers and their babies — clearly showing that infants need sensitive responsiveness from all caregivers:

Photo source

Just as important as consistently responding with sensitivity is relationship repair as needed:

“The infant can overcome it. After all, when you stop the still face, the baby starts to play again. …When you don’t give the child any chance to get back to the good, there’s no reparation and they’re stuck in that really ugly situation.” ~ Ed Tronick, PhD, featured in a 2009 Zero to Three film.

No parent is perfect, and there will be situations that arise that take our attention away from our children. Life happens, and sometimes we may be less responsive than we wished, but it’s OK. Babies and children can recover quickly when their caregiver works to repair the relationship when needed.

In short: How you respond to your child’s expressed needs when you make a mistake makes a big difference in what they’re learning about with the give and take, and repair, of relationships.

What being an involved father is all about

Being a Daddy

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) hopes you have enjoyed APtly Said’s celebration of fathers this week. This final post wraps up this series on “Fathers’ Inspiring Reflections,” June 19-21. We value and honor you, Dads, for all your love, dedication, and involvement in your children’s lives — you inspire us!

I always wanted to be a Daddy…I just never knew how much it would change me.

Naturally, most parents think their child is beautiful, and even with a little mushed face and purple foot, I felt the same. I was especially proud of the fact that while my son laid under a heating lamp in the hospital, he looked more developed than the other babies.

I called the first year of parenthood the most rewarding “punishment” I ever went through. Not that I would have changed it for the world, but I believe most parents would understand what I mean.

Strangely enough, nature has a way of making us endure some form of amnesia. After two years and 10 months, I found myself being a glutton for “punishment” again. Sure, why not? I hardly remembered the endless sleepless nights from my previous go-around. Then again, my memories since first becoming a parent are a patchwork of fragments, mostly focused on the glee of being a parent.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but suddenly I learned a new fear I will never lose till I am gone — in that moment, I knew I would always wish for the best and fear the worst for this individual indefinitely.

It seems like in a flash, my world that I had grown up in was no longer predominantly focused on me. My focus was now this baby.

My mind raced with questions…

I was overjoyed to be a Daddy. I cried at the sight of him. But I wondered How do you immediately love someone or something that you have no history with? and Should I feel guilty that here was this new creature that I loved, yet didn’t really communicate with beyond its needs? I wondered who he would be.

At the same time, I found myself watching every breath while he slept and I would peer into the crib if it seemed too silent. I was beyond gentle as if this new entity was in fact an ancient artifact as fragile as parchment.

Could I be a good Daddy?

Two months after his birth, I was making some sounds and he looked at me and smiled. In that moment of connection, my heart melted. But this did not stop my internal thoughts, nor my imagination thinking of hypotheticals. I wanted to be an affectionate Daddy, but was there such thing as too much affection? Should Mommy be more affectionate than Daddy? I decided to throw caution to the wind, as I felt that my child should grow up knowing he was deeply loved through action and not just words of affection.

There are parents who try to essentially have their children be what they did not become or be just like them. I believe that is confining. More and more, I find the true gift we can give our children growing up as a parent is to allow them to discover their own path and support their positive choices.

I’ve learned that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes, but I am patient. I’m willing to learn as I go, as much as I hope my teaching sinks in. I know teaching isn’t just preaching, but that setting an example and following through with my word carries more impact. The greatest gifts I can give my 2 boys are love, guidance, affection, and my attentive time. The gift has been given both ways as I’ve gained a greater happiness with myself.

Despite all the trials or tribulations we endure, being a parent can be so fulfilling. The first step is accepting ourselves and loving ourselves as the imperfect individuals we are — share that with your children. In this way, we will not seek the material things in life to find happiness, as we already have it in our hearts.

Being a parent has made me so happy and whole. I have become more forgiving, more accepting, more insightful, and above all, more loving. In all of the things I’ve done and accomplished, my family is my greatest creation and treasure — it is the one I am most proud of.