Tag: attachment parenting

Editor’s pick: The heart of Baby Courts is attachment

gavel-4-1409594-mBeginning this week, Attachment Parenting International (API) will be publishing weekly Editor’s Pick posts — through which we’ll be highlighting an article or blog post that takes a look at attachment science as it increasingly becomes commonplace in our society.

This week’s article, “Judges Are Using Brain Science to Help Babies Caught in the Court System,” written by health journalist Ada Calhoun and published on Quartz, is a must-read article for any parent or professional involved in family court.

Every parent is doing the very best they can, at any given moment, based on the knowledge and resources they have on hand as well as the inner emotional work they’ve done to prepare themselves for raising their child.

I truly believe this, and apparently so do professionals involved with “baby courts” — a revolution of sorts that’s been happening in the U.S. family court system aimed at reducing trauma among children ages 0-3 removed from their parents due to neglect and abuse.

At the helm of this baby courts movement that empowers parents — rather than puts up seemingly impossible conditions for parents to meet — to regain custody of their child, is Judge Cindy S. Lederman who first put the baby courts concept into practice in 2005 in her Juvenile Court of Miami-Dade County, Florida, USA.

There are now more than 30 baby courts across the United States.

The heart of baby courts is attachment. Baby courts work off Attachment Theory, child brain development and ACE science. Through high-tech brain imaging and research showing direct links between child trauma and poor physical, mental and social health in adulthood, attachment is increasingly validated as more than an “optional” approach to parenting — rather, a necessity to healthy child development.

“Toxic stress in childhood can make it hard for people to attach throughout life — and, some argue, to become good parents themselves later on,” Calhoun reports. “That cycle can keep the same families in the system generation after generation.”

Traditional family court still has the goal of bringing parents and children back together, but it’s hands-off approach more often than not fails to provide them the services needed to do this. For example, a judge may order parents to drug treatment, anger management classes or a parenting course. But most parents charged with abuse and neglect live in poverty, and there are a lot of challenges that go along with this, from jobs that don’t pay for time off and lack of money for transportation to difficulty with time management and other executive thinking functions that are common among at-risk populations. Yet, failing to comply with a judge’s orders means losing custody of their child.

“No parent wants to hurt or neglect their child. Even the ones who do it don’t want to,” said mental health consultant Brooke Allman Bubbico, as quoted by Calhoun.

Plus, traditional family court decisions rely on infrequent contact with a family and often incomplete information aided by lawyers who may withhold or manipulate information to protect their clients.

“All of this makes for a fraught process for children in the court system,” Calhoun reports. “Children can be reunited with their parents only to be taken away from them again, creating instability that produces even more trauma.”

Baby courts look at children and their parents as a unit, and works with teams of experts that come alongside both the child and the parents with the goal of uniting the family with better parenting skills and resources, a healthier emotional development atmosphere for children, and intact attachment.

As Calhoun reports, baby courts appear to be making a big difference in the lives of involved families. At one baby court, only .5% of the children had a maltreatment report in the following 6 months. Another baby court reported that 75% of its children were able to return to their parents, well above the national average of 50%. A therapist group reported that 60% of the young children who were referred through baby courts were able to leave special education classes within 5 years. A 2012 paper found that children served by baby courts ended up in a permanent home within an average of 1 year, twice as fast as children served by traditional family court.

And even if a baby court does eventually terminate parental rights, it orders therapy for the parents and the child to heal the relationship.

At the root of baby courts’ success and effectiveness are judges informed by the latest research in attachment and attachment trauma who then guide the lawyers, therapists, court coordinators and child representatives toward the goal of keeping the child safe and bringing the family together again.

In many ways, Judge Lederman sounds like a coach, trying to help parents understand how their children feels when they miss a scheduled visit or asking what they learned in parenting classes, not just that they attended.

“I’m not an umpire, just calling balls and strikes. I’m more like an orchestra conductor,” Judge Lederman said, as quoted by Calhoun.

This attachment-centered approach to family court is huge. There is no other way to put it.

Many believe that the family courts system has long been well behind the times when it comes to considering family attachment and especially the emotional needs of young children. It is change like what is happening with baby courts that shows society’s increasing awareness of and confidence in attachment science.

me and NathanThe #1 support call received by API is parents seeking resources regarding child custody and keeping attachment intact, while going through divorce and separation. I am hopeful for a day when the concept of baby courts trickles down to divorce and child custody decisions, and now believe that day will come sooner than later.

 

*Photo source: FreeImages.com/Jason Morrison

Editor’s pick: Top 10 of 2015

2014-Annual-appeal-graphicLast year was a big year, editorially, for Attachment Parenting International (API). There were so many amazingly supportive and educational online magazine features and blog posts!

Of the hundreds of articles published by API last year, here is the content that makes it into the top 10 of 2015, based on consistency with API’s ethos and mission and originality in how the material is presented:

  1. “Dynamic of disappearing dads“ answers the question of why some new fathers pull away when their baby is born, and what couples can do to prevent that.
  2. “Historical trauma, breastfeeding and healing“ looks at relationship challenges among Native American parents in light of historical trauma and how breastfeeding can be the antidote.
  3. “Creative learning“ gives ideas on how parents, and teachers, can build creativity into their homes or classrooms to enhance learning.
  4. “Parenting without punishment in a punishing world“ explains how parents who use punishments with their children, but want to learn positive discipline, can overcome what may seem like a steep learning curve.
  5. “Smartphones and parenting“ warns parents about how smartphones can hijack our attachment systems that are biologically meant for the parent-child relationship.
  6. “Expecting your first baby? Talk about parenting now, before baby arrives“ emphasizes that the time to talk about parenting expectations is before baby is born.
  7. “The Artist’s Way for parents“ gives ideas for parents to use creativity to unlock their problem-solving skills in order to better relate and guide their children.
  8. “Talking to our children about world tragedies“ cautions parents about indiscriminately discussing harsh realities of our world, from disasters to violence to famine to disease, with our children.
  9. “Motherhood is a gift“ compassionately explains Mother’s Day from both the adoptive mother’s perspective and that of the birth mother.
  10. “Going back to work, but not the way I expected“ details the parenting and professional journey of a mother who chose parental presence over a quick return to work.

As a bonus, here are 5 more articles I feel deserve honorable mention:

A look back: Highlights of 2015

new-year-2015-16147252015 was a full year! Attachment Parenting International (API) received hundreds of submissions for its publications from parents and professionals around the world, which were in turn read by the tens of thousands of parents in the global API community and shared among their networks beyond API. That’s a lot of families receiving support in Attachment Parenting (AP)!

Let’s take a look back at 2015 through the highlights of API’s content on APtly Said and The Attached Family:

January

lisa fiertag“Co-parenting Basics” — API Leader and mother of 2, Lisa Feiertag of the USA explains co-parenting in shared custody, and how this looks when paired with Attachment Parenting. Lisa, and April C, go on to share their personal stories of how co-parenting has worked for their families. Also featured in The Attached Family‘s “Parenting Creatively” issue:

  • Parenting Creatively cover (495x640) API Leader and mother of 2, Jamie Birdsong of New York, USA, gives tips of how she and her children were able to keep attachment in mind while taking a 2-week, cross-country road trip.
  • Art college professor and mother of 2, Carolina Blatt-Gross of Georgia, USA, offers ideas on how to enhance learning both at home and in the classroom.
  • Psychologist Daria Brezinski of Virginia, USA, offers considerations in choosing toys regarding child development.
  • API Leader and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, defines creativity.

miriam katz“The Dark Side of Favorites” — Life coach and mother of 1, Miriam Katz of Massachusetts, USA, encourages parents to not pressure their children into choosing a favorite of anything:

“Suddenly my child, who’d embraced her surroundings with the wonder we all aspire to, had somehow become jaded. For her world had categories. And these categories not only elevated some things — the effect we’d anticipated — but they also made others worse.”

elisaheadshot“Parent-child Conflict Resolution” — Actress and mother of 1, Elisa Llamido of Florida, USA, shares her conversation with her son after he witnessed another mother not using positive discipline with her child:

“I realized that to Jason, and the other little witness, this scene made absolutely no sense. They put themselves in the other boy’s shoes and couldn’t see any reason why the person who was supposed to love and care for him suddenly turned mean.”

katelynne eid 2“A Nod to My Husband” — Mother of 2, Katelynne Eid of Connecticut, USA, gives a tribute to her husband:

“Because of him, they will have a childhood filled with snowball fights and dance parties, board games and movie nights. But more importantly, they will have a childhood filled with unconditional love and secureity, a childhood that teaches them that all their dreams can become realities.”

Shoshana-150x150“Parents Need to Be the Compass Point” — AP educator, mother of 6 and grandmother of 14, Shoshana Hayman of Israel argues cultural assumptions about raising teens:

“We need to nurture this connection and make it easy for our teenagers to continue orienting to us, as they navigate the experiences in their lives that are often characterized by high drama, social confusion and immature perspective.”

February

LeyaniRedditi“Loving One Another in Anger” — API Leader and mother of 2, Leyani Redditi of Georgia, USA, shared how she worked through a moment of frustration with her children:

“This is my chance to change the cycle. This is my chance to do it differently. If I really believe that how I deal with conflict helps my children learn to deal with conflict, then this moment is important.”

Camille North“Was Attachment Parenting Worth It?” — API Board of Directors member and mother of 3, Camille North of Texas, USA, reflects back on her parenting journey:

“So here we are looking at the beginning of an end: The beginning of his adulthood, as a strong, confident, self-assured man. And the end of the difficulties of a childhood with a rough start, a complicated middle and a promising finish. I stare at the back of his head, with his ginger hair, and he speaks to me in his dad’s voice, ‘Mom, do you think this is good enough?’ Oh yeah, I do.”

kelly shealer 2“Someday You Will Miss This” — API Leader and mother of 3, Kelly Shealer of Maryland, USA, focuses on reframing a sleepless night with her baby into a fond memory to reflect back on:

“I really feel like I can’t handle this much longer. I just want to sleep. Then suddenly a thought pops into my mind: ‘Someday you will miss this.’ I know that it’s true. I won’t miss this feeling of being so, so tired, but I will miss having this sweet, warm baby who loves me more than anything. I try to remember that.”

Lisa kids-cc (2)“Writing for Balance” — Mother of 2, Lisa Lord of Ireland explains how she uses writing to strive for life balance while also unlocking problem-solving skills to parenting challenges. Also included in The Attached Family‘s “Inspired Parents” issue online:

  • Inspired Parents cover_Page_01Author and creativity instructor, Julia Cameron gives guidance in untapping creativity in parenting through habits of optimism and gratitude found in creative pursuits and other enjoyable activities.
  • Author and mother of 1, New Zealand-born Jessica Talbot of Argentina describes how Attachment Parenting healed her emotional childhood wounds and shares an excerpt from her book, Picaflor, detailing that journey.
  • AP educator, mother of 1 and grandmother of 2, Maureen McCarthy of Indiana, USA, shares her journey from parent to parent educator to the founder of a nonprofit AP organization.

March

stephanie peters family“Saying ‘No’ the Attachment Parenting Way” — API Leader and mother of 1, Stephanie Petters of Georgia, USA, reminds herself that parents have a right to say “no” to their children, just as children have the right to feel unhappy about that:

“As the parent, our job is to allow them these emotions while setting limits.”

SandyBlog“I’m Screaming at the Top of My Voice! Can You Hear Me?” — Babywearing specialist and mother of 2, Sandy Gordon Frankfort shares about the gift of Attachment Parenting:

“If only we each had this gift from another, I truly believe, things would be different. We would be different. We wouldn’t be desperately longing for the kind of connection to nurture our soul in ways that only one where someone truly hears us, provides.”

April

alissa tschetter siedschlaw“15 Years” — API Leader and single, adoptive mother of 5, Alissa Tschetter-Siedschlaw of Iowa, USA, reflects on her last 15 years as a volunteer in supporting local families:

“My parenting was evolving, and I longed for a group where I could speak more openly and find honest and straightforward, yet gentle and kind friends, while offering the same to others. I wanted us to be the kind of people you trust around your children, because you know we believe in nurturing and validating each other and we want the best for all of our kids collectively.”

elizabeth pavlinksy 3“Maintaining Connection Through Long Separations” — API Leader and mother of 3, Elizabeth Pavlinsky of the USA shares tips for families to stay connected when a parent for military training or deployment:

“Use fun, versatile counting games to provide a visual tool that demonstrates the passing of time for younger children. This can be as simple as a calendar. Children can cross out the days as they pass. Another idea is that before the separation, the whole family can build a paper chain with one link for each day the family is apart. The person going away could write messages on some or all of the paper links as surprises for the family.”

sarah kuc“Nurturing Touch Restores Security in Adoptive Families” — Mother of 2, Sarah Kuc of the USA shares how nurturing touch is a crucial part of her relationship with her adopted sons:

“When words are difficult, as is the case with newborns and young children, nurturing touch transcends language while still communicating security and love.”

May

inga b“Get Inspired with This Fun Children’s Mindfulness Exercise” — Clinical psychologist, mindfulness instructor, children’s yoga instructor, Inga Bohnekamp of Canada introduces parents to a simple mindfulness activity to do with their children during Screen-Free Week:

“Let this be a flowing process. Get creative and have fun. You don’t need to come up with a pre-drafted elaborate choreography before you present this activity to your kids. Rather, have the whole family be part of the process: inventing, creating, trying out, inspiring and surprising each other as you go.”

Rita and Rachel“Kangaroo Care for Every Baby” — NuRoo details the benefits, history and how-to’s to safely do Kangaroo Care with your baby — whether full-term, preterm or in the NICU:

“The doctors witnessed a grandmother in a remote village holding her grandchild, under layers of clothing and wraps, tucked between her breasts on her bare skin. They commented that it was like a kangaroo carrying her joey in a pouch. They were shocked to find the babies in this village thriving! Returning back to work, they implemented what they saw at the hospital. This became an ‘ah-ha’ moment for the rest of the world.”

jillian_amodio_-_cosleeping_pic“Messy Motherhood” — Mother of 1, Jillian Amodio of the USA thanks her mother for teaching her that a happy home is sometimes a little messy. Also included in the “Inspired Mothers” special celebration on APtly Said:

  • API Leader and mother of 2, Leyani Redditi of Georgia, USA, shares a tribute to her children for shaping her into a mother she’s proud of.
  • API Leader and mother of 1, Alexis Schrader of California, USA, shares how giving her daughter presence helps her process her mixed emotions surrounding her toddler’s budding independence.
  • API Leader and co-parenting mother of 2, Lisa Feiertag of the USA shares how Attachment Parenting not only helped to heal her childhood emotional wounds but also gave her own mother the space and tools to heal hers as well.
  • API Leader and mother of 3, Kelly Shealer of Maryland, USA, shares how motherhood gives her a sense of balance, more so than always getting the dishes washed.
  • Mother of 2, Katelynne Eide of Connecticut, USA, encourages all mothers to support one another.
  • Adoptive mother of 2, Sarah Kuc of the USA thanks her sons’ birth mothers for granting her the gift of motherhood.

yvette lamb“It’s Alright That You Need Me” — Mother of 1, Yvette Lamb of the UK shares a letter she wrote to her baby, assuring her that needing is natural and good:

“I want to remind everybody that these are qualities, not inadequacies. These natural urges ensure protection, security, safety. They are a big part of love and trust. You trust me enough to depend on me, to allow me to see your need. It is alright to need people. It is alright to rely on them.”

Candice Garrison“Screentime Can Be Family Time” — API Leader and mother of 1, Candice Garrison of Tennessee, USA, explains what to keep in mind when it comes to parenting and screentime:

“I think the most important part of technology use is finding balance — and not falling into the trap of using screens as a distraction when our little ones are seeking, or in need of, connection.”

June

reedyhickey“Making a Difference a Leader at a Time” — API announces the Reedy Hickey Scholarship Fund to support API Leaders and Leader Applicants:

“Reedy is an inspiration to us all as a tireless advocate for Attachment Parenting, and we are privileged to be able to honor her in this lasting way.”

kelly photo“How Secure Sibling Attachments Happen” — API Leader, positive discipline educator and mother of 2, Kelly Bartlett of Oregon, USA, explains the 6 stages of attachment as they apply to siblings. Also included in The Attached Family‘s “Attached Siblings” issue online:

PatriciaMackie“Expecting Your First Baby? Talk About Parenting Now, Before Baby Arrives” — API Leader, marriage and family therapist, and mother of 3, Patricia Mackie of Illinois, USA, explains how new parents can prepare their marriage for life with a baby:

“There is a never a better time to get to know your partner or spouse on a deeper level than when you are expecting a child. In every family are 2 very separate adults, each with different upbringings, different world views and different experiences. The time and energy you have for intimate conversations now may be missing for years once the baby is born. Before baby comes is the time when you can think clearly and begin to look at some of your childhood wounds, identify areas that may be difficult as you raise your own children, share your insights with your partner and become a team as you enter the uncharted waters of parenthood.”

k2 (2)“This Father’s Day: Dads, Talk About Being a Father” — API Leader and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, looks at the cultural view of attached, involved fathering and urges fathers to speak out about their changing roles in the family:

“Talk about being a father. Talk about what it means to you to be attached to your children, to be involved in their lives, to be present in their moments. Dads, talk about Attachment Parenting and why it matters to you, as a father, to raise your children with a secure attachment. Start advocating for your role in the family.”

July

first-sunrise-1257802“The Sunrise of Balance” –API Leader and mother, Kendrah Nilsestuen of Colorado, USA, shares how she followed her son’s lead in regaining balance in her life:

“To this day, years later, I still carry those words with me: “Mama, the sky! It’s so colorful!” — six words encompassing the gentle reminder to move a little slower, appreciate a little more and pause long enough to enjoy the moments of delight our days have to offer us.”

naomi aldort“Bringing Peace to Sibling Rivalry” — AP educator and mother of 2, Naomi Aldort of Washington state, USA, offers an idea of supporting both siblings during a conflict:

“We don’t have to intervene if the children seem to resolved their struggles, and no one is hurt. But we want to prevent setups that tend to bring on rivalry. And we must be turned-in, so when we are needed, we can show up promptly. Once we enter, we must not exacerbate the division but bring connection and empathy.”

August

camie“Historical Trauma, Breastfeeding and Healing” — API reports on a presentation by Camie Jae Goldhammer, a clinical social worker, lactation consultant and mother of 2 from Washington state, USA, during which she discussed the effect of historical trauma on breastfeeding rates among Native Americans. Also included in APtly Said’s World Breastfeeding Week and Breastfeeding Month celebrations:

  • wbw2015-logo-mAPI gives a tribute to a young Martha Sears and the late Viola Lennon, one of La Leche League’s seven cofounders and coauthor of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.
  • Attachment Parenting educator, chiropracter and mother of 1, Linda Folden Palmer of California, USA, provides an excerpt from her new book, Baby Poop, on how breastmilk affects baby’s gut health not only through childhood but long into adulthood.
  • Mother, Janell Robisch of Virginia, USA, offers support to extended breastfeeding mothers as well as shares her child-led weaning story, excerpted from her book, To Three and Beyond.
  • Mother of 1, Kate Frederick of New Hampshire, USA, details the costs to employers for not allowing women to breastfeed while also sharing about her experience of writing, and testifying for, state legislation to support working breastfeeding mothers.
  • API Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, reports on her impressions of a local Big Latch On event.

julinda adams“He Just Wants to be Held” — Mother of 2, Julinda Adams of Indiana, USA, reflects on how a stranger’s comment in a grocery store helped calm her, as a new mother, and get her in touch with both her baby’s emotional needs and her own instincts:

“The images we see in the media often show a detached form of parenting. Babies only appear when needed for the story line, or even as props. On the screen, they are quiet and require minimal interaction, unless the script calls for something else. When they are not in a scene, they are out of sight and no thought is given to them. So the baby lying quietly until the parents are ready to interact seems normal.”

September

kim allsup“Smartphones and Parenting” –Teacher and mother, Kim Allsup of Massachusetts, USA, explores the possibility that smartphones are hijacking our attachment instincts:

“It is not that the baby looks like a smartphone, but that our inner experience of ongoing awareness along with bursts of the bonding hormone during connection is similar whether we carry and connect with a baby or a socially connected smartphone.”

lysa parker“Attachment Grandparenting: What’s Your Role?” — API cofounder, coauthor of Attached at the Heart and mother, Lysa Parker of Tennessee shares her experience about becoming a grandma:

“We, at API, often talk about the ripple effect we can create by the little changes each of us makes in our families and in our communities. I felt such pride for Morgan that her own breastfeeding experience gave her such courage and conviction to help another mother. No doubt the ripple effect continues in other ways.”

1361797_student_1“Stay Involved in Your Child’s School Life” — Teacher and single mother of 1, Michelle Calfee of Tennessee, USA, gives ideas of how parents can stay involved with their child’s life at school when not homeschooled:

“Talk to your child about what they are learning in school. Your involvement does not mean you have to understand the content or know how to do the work your child is doing. But you can ask your child what they ware working on in school. When you do this, you are sending your child a message that what they are doing is important to you.”

October

megan bell“Balancing Work and Family Takes Creativity, Flexibility and a Village” — API Leader and mother of 1, Megan Bell of Illinois, USA, share her story of how she balances her toddler’s attachment needs with her singing career. Also included in APtly Said’s coverage of AP Month 2015:

 November

meryn“The Dynamic of Disappearing Dads” — AP educator, author of the book, Why Dads Leave, and mother of 1, Meryn Callander of Australia discusses why fatherhood can be difficult for some men and how their partners can help them navigate the growing family’s changing attachment dynamics. Also included in The Attached Family‘s “Nurturing Peace” issue online:

  • Peace coverAPI Resource Advisory Council member, AP journalist and mother of 1, Lisa Reagan of Virginia, USA, shares her parenting journey as it intersected with the conscious living movement.
  • Community psychologist and mother, Tamara Brennan of Mexico explains the importance of protecting our children’s minds from the harsh realities of our world, like famine and disasters, and how to talk to our children about tragedies when needed.
  • Journalist Jane Stevens of California, USA, defines ACEs and how childhood trauma affects lifelong health, emotionally and physically.

dr shefali“The Root of Bullying is Shame” — Clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary of New York, USA, discusses shame in our society:

“Whenever my daughter exhibits less than desirable behavior, I ask what this is saying about me as a parent. Children are a mirror of our own unresolved issues.”

thiago queiroz 1“I Am a Present Father” — API Leader and father of 2, Thiago Queiroz of Brazil shares about how Attachment Parenting helped him to find his way as a new father:

“AP helped to show me how I could be the father I wanted to be. AP guided me to where I could find my place as an active and conscious father — an attached father. I obviously can’t give birth or breastfeed, but I can foster the secure attachment I want to build with my sons through a whole lot of other actions.”

alexis schrader family with new baby“Getting Through the Paris Attacks With an Old Neighbor” — API Leader and mother of 1, Alexis Schrader of California, USA, reminds us of children’s TV personality Mr. Fred Rogers’ wisdom:

“Mr. Rogers reminded me of why I chose Attachment Parenting in the first place: to raise empathic children who will be the helpers of this world, because what this world really needs is more people who grew up feeling deeply what Mr. Rogers always told us: ‘I like you just the way you are.'”

Spanking quote (2)“It’s Time to Break Watson’s Legacy in Childrearing Norms” — API cofounders and coauthors of Attached at the Heart, Lysa Parker of Tennessee, USA, and Barbara Nicholson of Alabama, USA, discuss the legacy of Watson’s insensitive childrearing ideas and rallies modern parents to break that influence on their families:

“These culturally accepted forms of discipline — now being recognized by some as ‘normative abuse’ — have been so much a part of our culture that we sometimes don’t think twice about it. We have learned to desensitize ourselves to the actual physical and emotional pain that it causes children. But now that we know better, we must try to do better for our children.”

Effie2 (2)“The Simple Attitude of Gratitude” — Mother of 2, Effie Morchi of New York City, USA, reflects on her journey in learning, growing and teaching the meaning and significance of gratitude:

“In the face of materialistic abundance, I wish for my kids’ abundance to be of a different kind — abundance of simplicity, love and appreciation. I’m grateful for all the bliss and light my kids bring into my life. And I’m grateful for all the challenges that come with parenthood. When we are grateful for it all, we get to see and appreciate the whole picture — with its dark and the bright colors.”

playing-1436907“Want Your Child to Learn Self-control? First, Teach Self-validation” — Early childhood mental health consultant Denise Durkin of Pennsylvania, USA, explores how to teach self-validation to our children:

“The thing is, we really need to see our child and listen to him (or her). We cannot try to make him fit into an old ideal of how he ‘should’ behave, act or be. We must meet him ‘where he’s at’ and start there. Our goal is that we use and teach skills sets containing ‘ways of thinking and doing’ to support children in being themselves throughout the trajectory of their lives.”

December

lisa reagan“You Never Stop Growing Up” — API Resource Advisory Council member, AP journalist and mother of 1, Lisa Reagan shares what it’s like watching her son getting ready to leave home and move out on his own, after 17 years of Attachment Parenting:

“Because of following the attachment model, I got my needs met to mother him, and there is nothing hanging on now. I did it. I met my needs to be his mother, and I met his needs, and it’s a completed thing now.”

IMAG0486.JPG“What’s the Harm in Saying ‘There Are Starving Kids in Africa’ to Get Your Child to Eat His Veggies?” — Community psychologist and mother, Tamara Brennan of Mexico explains what she heard, as a 3 year old, when told to eat her vegetables and be grateful:

“How did it happen that they had no food in their house? Where were their parents? Were they going to die? It was very upsetting to consider their plight, the circumstances of which were beyond my ability to imagine. I did not feel like eating. I can still remember the sense of urgency I felt the next morning.”

emily van boegart“8 Ideas to Holiday Gift-giving to Cultivate More Connection” — API Leader and mother of 2, Emily Van Bogaert of Kentucky, USA, offers tips to reclaim the holiday season for family connection rather than giving in to the pressures of consumerism:

“Giving gifts can feel magical for both the giver and the receiver, and we absolutely can and should share our bounty with one another. But as we give gifts and spread joy, let’s use the occasion to be intentional and celebrate who and what actually matters most to us.”

divya singh 1“And We Said Bye-Bye to Breastfeeding” — Mother to 1, Diya Singh of Oregon, USA, shares her child-led weaning story:

“My 3-1/2-year-old daughter and I said bye-bye to our breastfeeding relationship on a very happy note. Here is how it worked for us.”

 

*2015 graphic source: Free Images.com/Christian Ferrari

A reason why new parenthood can be hard for fathers, and couples — and what to do about it

A secure mother-infant bond is fundamental to a child’s well-being. Discoveries in the field of neurobiology confirm that a secure mother-infant bond depends on many factors:

  • A natural birth
  • Breastfeeding
  • Near-constant physical contact through carrying infants in-arms or in slings
  • Cosleeping
  • The recognition that babies are social beings who thrive on loving connections.

Of course this is what Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept, discovered and many indigenous cultures have always known.

Now, put this together with the fact that most everyone in the Western world born since the 1930s has been subjected to modern child-rearing practices that interfere with secure attachment:

  • High-intervention birth
  • Artificial baby food
  • Pushed about in wheeled carriers rather than carried on the body in slings
  • Left to “cry it out”
  • Left to sleep alone.

Now, here is the piece of the puzzle that many people practicing — and advocating — Attachment Parenting are not aware of: These little boys grow up to be men looking for the mother they never connected with.

FreeImages.com - agastechegTime comes they believe they have found her, marry her and everything’s looking fine…until baby comes along. Suddenly baby takes center stage, consuming enormous amounts of the mother’s time and energy. He finds his needs are now largely ignored.

Feeling rejected, he is likely to withdraw, get resentful, act out, or turn to substance or process addictions to cope with the pain. The primal fears of abandonment that are wired into his brain as a result of his own unmet infancy needs have been restimulated — big time!

Meanwhile his partner may be blossoming, her needs being met like never before through her physical and emotional connection with their baby. A man can never experience the intimacy born of carrying a baby in the womb or breastfeeding. And in the early months, it can be hard for him to accept the fact that baby is more interested in mom, than in him — no matter how hard he “tries.”

She has no idea what is going on with her man, and no time to tend to him — especially as he is “acting out” in whatever way he may be doing that. Ironically, the better the mother is able to nurture her child, the more likely he will re-experience his childhood wounding because he sees even more of what he didn’t get.

Neither partner has a clue what is going on.

It’s not too difficult to understand then, why a man will leave, disappear — either physically or emotionally.

Much of what is understood in Attachment Parenting circles with respect to “attachment” is the vital importance of infants and children for connection. What is generally not understood is — as John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory recognized — the equally primal need of adults for connection. Neurobiology confirms it feels literally devastating on a core level to have that connection threatened.

How Many Couples Experience This?

mohamed riffathMany people are surprised to learn that in the United States, an estimated 14% of men suffer postpartum depression. During the 3- to 6-month postpartum period, the rate increases to 26%. Factors researchers have identified as leading to male postpartum depression include dad feeling burdened at the prospect of caring for a child, burdened with the financial responsibility, and missing — or essentially feeling abandoned by — their wives.

It’s the latter point that is core. And there may be plenty for a new dad to feel rejected, abandoned or jealous about. On top of the attention and affection baby gets — that he formerly got — there’s the attention his partner is getting as the new mom, and the baby’s having near exclusive rights to his wife’s breasts.

At the same time they are feeling deprived of quality time — or any time — with their partner, most new dads at some time feel scared: frightened that they feel helpless, frustrated even angry when the baby won’t stop crying, frightened they’re going to repeat the mistakes made by their own father. Sleep deprived, they can’t think straight.

Of course, the new mother faces many of these issues, too, but men — especially at this time — are expected to “be strong.” On top of that, men are expected to know what to do.

None of this is to say it’s harder for dads than for moms, but that it’s hard for dads, too.

Depressed, men are likely to be irritable and aggressive. And when dads appear this way, most women will turn their focus even more toward their child. Many will be feeling they have “another baby” to take care of.

While some people argue male postpartum depression is due to the father’s feeling displaced — a “needy, greedy child” — what is not factored into the “needy, greedy” diagnosis is the attachment perspective that recognizes that our need for connection, as adults as well as children, is primal.

As a man feels himself to be not only incompetent and superfluous but also rejected and abandoned, he distances himself from home and family. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but the practicalities of “being there” are just too difficult. Many give up and leave — emotionally, if not physically.

What Can Expectant Couples Do?

There is so much we can do. It does not need to be said that being parents today is a hugely demanding endeavor that, more often than not, puts unanticipated stresses on a marriage. The more prepared a couple can be, the smoother and more joyful the transition can be:

  1. Being informed about the dynamic is in itself huge. Recognize that having a baby almost inevitably puts a couple’s relationship at risk. No one can assume, “It won’t happen to us.” I would surely have been guilty of believing that.
  2. Recognize that fathers, too, have very legitimate and distinct concerns and needs that need to be addressed at pregnancy, birth and postpartum.
  3. Recognize becoming a parent as an opportunity to heal the wounds of your own childhood. While this may be a lifelong journey, it begins with awareness and small steps. So ideally prior to conception, parents can reflect on their our own birth and childhood to identify unresolved issues that may be re-stimulated. While parents pore over books and DVDs, and attend parenting classes to learn how to care for their child, this crucial area is rarely addressed.
  4. Recognize the significance of Attachment Theory to adult love. Recognize that adults crave and thrive on connection just as infants and children do. Reframe dad’s selfishness or immature neediness as re-stimulated unmet childhood needs for connection. And don’t rely on each other exclusively to meet those needs.
  5. Prepare for the postpartum period prior to the birth of a baby. Organize support — physical and emotional. Don’t try to go it alone.
  6. Promote an awareness of the need for local community as well as social, economic and political policies and practices that support families — and dads. In Norway, promoting men’s early involvement with infants and children is seen as a potential tool for reducing domestic and other violence.

Researchers have identified depression as often being the result of a dad being disabled as an involved parent, with the most depressed dads having wives who are “over-involved” with their baby.

And while a growing number of men want to be more involved in caring for their children, mothers often unwittingly discourage their partner’s involvement. I found this fascinating, and I have seen it again and again, now that I am aware of it.

What Can Couples Do Once Baby Arrives?

the-sepia-version-of-the-baby-1523574Men who feel supported by their wives in finding their own way of doing things are less prone to depression and develop a strong connection with their infants. We tend to overlook the fact that competency of fathering, as with mothering, is learned through the day-to-day, hands-on care of a child. This is perhaps truer today than every before, as so many of us have had very little to do with caring for the very young — unlike a generation or two ago. Yet, fathers typically spend almost no time alone with their babies — not because they don’t want to, but because it’s virtually impossible for a working dad, as most dads are.

Dads need to be encouraged and supported in being key players in pregnancy and birth, and their different styles but equally significant roles as parents needs to be acknowledged — by their partners but also by society.

I strongly urge couples who find they are floundering to get support — sooner rather than later. Don’t try to do this alone. Seek the support of a wise and seasoned person, a counselor or therapist.

With a whole-hearted commitment to their partnership and family, to a strong focus on working as a team, and on appreciating and supporting each other in loving and learning, a tremendous amount of energy is generated that serves both the individuals, the marriage — and the children.

Attachment Parenting is Making a Difference

merynI imagine that many of you begin Attachment Parenting like I did, so full of enthusiasm. And that’s wonderful. But this needs to be tempered with the realities that we are not continuum children. We do not live in a continuum culture. I see so many parents beating themselves up, because they feel they are not good enough moms or dads. I would like them not to be so hard on themselves. It’s not good for them, nor for their children. Self-acceptance and compassion for themselves in this time of huge transition is to the good of all — without exception.

I believe that everyone who is practicing Attachment Parenting to whatever degree they can, is making a difference. It’s a huge shift from the way past generations were raised — and we are really paving the way for our children, and the generations to come.

Peace coverRead the full interview with this author on Attachment Parenting International‘s “Nurturing Peace” issue of The Attached Family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Second photo source: Free Images.com/Mohamed Riffath

8 ideas to holiday gift-giving to cultivate more connection

emily holiday post memeThe holiday season is upon us. As chilly winds begin to blow and the days become short and gray, we are given the opportunity to draw our loved ones near and celebrate what brings warmth, light and love into our lives in the face of cold and darkness. We return to family traditions, created and recreated year after year, to strengthen the ties that bind and celebrate the joy that comes with feeling connected to family and friends near and far.

And then — like a scratch in the record playing our favorite carol — we are bombarded by harsh interruptions at every turn: Glossy newspaper toy ads and email specials blanket our surroundings like a fresh blanket of consumerist snow…loud, boisterous commercials on the radio boom into our speakers as an overwhelming list of wants and needs, and often lies and insecurities, fill our minds…our children, so sensitive and eager to celebrate, start to fill up their elaborate wish lists as visions of sugar plums dance in their heads…grown-ups race from place to place, checking off lists, and fulfilling obligations, wondering in the back of their minds, Will our gifts be enough to bring joy to our loved ones? Will our funds be enough to provide a bounty of food and drinks on our table? Are we doing enough to make this holiday season special?

emily van boegartSo, before those discouraging feelings start to creep into your warm heart, I need to tell you something: You are most certainly enough, friend. I see how much you care about your loved ones, and the incredible attention and effort you put into making the holidays picture-perfect and full of good cheer. And I also want to tell you something else. You, yes you, are the greatest gift you can give your friends and family. Ask them; they’ll tell you it’s true.

Instead of getting carried away with the pressures of consumerism, let’s put our heads together and find a way to reclaim this season for the values and truths we hold dear in our hearts. Don’t get me wrong — giving amazing gifts can feel magical for both the giver and the receiver, and we absolutely can and should share our bounty with one another. But as we give gifts and spread joy, let’s use the occasion to be intentional and celebrate who and what actually matters most to us.

Since breaking patterns and changing habits can be hard work, I’ve gathered a list of ways you can make the season a little bit brighter as you give to those who are closest to you:

  1. Buy local, support artists and artisans, and invest in quality — You can use your holiday gift-giving as a way to connect with people and things that matter to you. Find local and independent businesses that share your values and worldview. That could include a boutique that sources fair-trade merchandise, businesses that support diversity and equality, shops that feature lovingly handmade items and goods made with sustainable materials, performances that move you, services delivered with great care and skill, and nonprofits that benefit causes close to your heart. You can maximize the goodness of your generosity by supporting businesses that in turn support the vibrant, ethical and thriving communities to which you would like to belong.
  2. DIY, thrift, trade and upcycle — Creating useful crafts or making food can be a relaxing way to spend time, and a fulfilling way to meditate on how much someone means to you as you make their gift. Not crafty? There’s no shame in scoring a one-of-a-kind vintage item, a perfectly broken-in hardback book, or a nearly new toy or game at a second-hand shop. Reach out to friends to swap new-to-you items into your family’s rotation. Save time and resources by reusing gift bags or by wrapping gifts with cloth that can be reused again and again: Pillowcases make great gift bags, and baby’s outgrown receiving blankets make excellent Furoshiki-style wrapping cloths. Think outside the box, and let your creativity flow.
  3. Set some boundaries — This is a challenging one. Nobody likes to be told how and what to give. However, if a gentle and thoughtful request is made to express your family’s need for more connection and fewer collections, your loved ones will likely hear and honor those feelings. Go ahead, be courageous and ask grandparents to limit themselves to 1 gift per person or the gift of an experience if your child’s toy chests runneth over. Chances are that their beloved grandchild will end up with a truly thoughtful, useful, meaningful gift they will be elated to receive, and grandparents can kick off their shoes and spend a little more time snuggling and less time shopping. Parents can use the “want/need/wear/read” method to cover the basics and the fun stuff for the littles without going overboard. Families big and small can also benefit from gift drawings, and there are many ways to make them fun and easy, from online gift-drawing generators to gift-swapping games.
  4. Give to those in need — Feel a twinge of sadness and guilt when you drive under the expressway with a trunk full of groceries and gifts only to see a person who is cold, homeless and hungry? Me, too. It’s easy to become paralyzed in those uncomfortable feelings, but we have the power to make a difference. There is more than enough to go around, but only if we stop spending frivolously for the benefit of huge corporations and simply share what we have with our fellow human beings. There are so many ways to share our relative abundance and to connect with those who have less. You can donate individually or collectively to your favorite charity, spend some quality time with friends and family volunteering for a great cause, or plan an acts of kindness advent for your family. Reach out to someone who is lonely or suffering by sharing your meal, listening to their story or simply letting them know you care.
  5. Don’t believe the hype — Stuff does not equal joy. After joyous celebrations, many of us wake up to an inevitable overwhelming and treacherous mess the day after our gift-giving holidays: piles of items we neither want nor need, trash bags full of discarded papers and packaging, the heavy and heart-wrenching burden of returning and regifting. The waste and inefficiencies of the holidays can put a big ol’ damper on all the fun festivities. The practice of over-consuming often turns good intentions and generosity into drudgery and uncomfortable obligations. Blech.
  6. Give the gift of not getting gifts — What do you get for the person who has everything they need and the means to get what they want when they want it? Um, nothing? Let’s face it, purchasing a gift for the sake of going through the motions feels contrived and wasteful. Sometimes we have the option to let each other off the collective hook and simply agree to ditch the ritualistic consumerism. Feeling sassy — or fed up — enough to try it? High five!
  7. Treat yourself — The holidays can be a very stressful time of year for many, but you don’t have to consume material goods to get a boost. Taking the time to fill your own cup with something warm and nourishing gives you more energy to share love with others. Recharge your batteries by bundling up to take a walk in the woods, laughing — or crying — with friends or by taking a nice long bath. In the hustle and bustle of the season, simple pleasures are where it’s at.
  8. Presence over presents — Ultimately, there are many ways to use holiday gift-giving as an occasion to share your time, talents and loving kindness with your special people. Whether you surprise someone with the promise of a fun outing or opportunity to learn something new, offer to lend a helping hand, or simply show up with hot buttered rum and make someone smile, time spent together can be an incredible gift. We can celebrate the relationships we already have and invest in them with our time and attention. You have the option to spend more time baking cookies with a child and less time sitting in traffic in cold, dark parking lots. We have a nearly endless supply of opportunities to create memories and a lifetime’s worth of time to enjoy them.

Now is the time to take a moment to start thinking about how we celebrate this season and determine if it truly enriches us in the ways we want and need. We may not have all the answers to make a perfectly peaceful and joyous holiday season, but we can start asking questions:

  • What will we do this year to bring more joy into our own hearts and the hearts of others?
  • Will this be the year we stop participating in rituals that make us feel sad, insecure and financially overextended?
  • How can we replace unhealthy habits with ones that make us feel more grateful, united, connected and harmonious?

The pressure to spend our social currency, time and hard-earned dollars feeding a never-ending cycle of insecurity and greed through the consumption of mass-produced material goods is immense. It’s up to us to remember that we have the power to spend our time, resources and energy wisely and generously to build relationships and communities that lift us all up. Maybe, just maybe, we can start to set down the shopping lists and bags of presents so that we may reach out our hands, hold those we love closer, and begin to spread love and kindness all year long.

What’s the harm in saying “there are starving kids in Africa” to get your child to eat his veggies?

Free Images com - milka huangYou know this saying since it’s pretty much a parenting cliché used to cajole children to eat their vegetables: “There are starving children in Africa. You should be grateful that you have this food to eat.”

I have never understood the logic that leads people to believe that mentioning such tragic information could motivate anyone to eat, let alone to develop a sudden appreciation for asparagus or rhubarb. If there are hungry children, then there is a serious situation that should be fixed, right? How could begrudgingly eating the last bites alleviate trouble of that magnitude?

The statement is meant to imply that the kids who are refusing the last bit of zucchini casserole are supposed to feel lucky. But — aside the frustration of the dinner table — if we are trying to raise compassionate human beings, it is not the best tactic to suggest to them that they be relieved that misfortune happens to other people.

Do we want their awareness to stop at feeling happy that they got skipped over when calamity was being dished out? Are we suggesting that the suffering of those other children is not important? Or is it possible that they might interpret it that we want them to be afraid that if they forget to eat, they will starve like the African children who can’t eat? It is a confusing piece of information at the best.

Let me share my own experience at 3 years old when I first heard about the frightening situation faced by those hungry kids:

It was a dinner guest who broke the FOOD NEWS about their situation and told me that they lived in Africa. And though I searched the faces of my parents, no further details were offered. I froze in my chair, feet dangling above the floor. My mind raced to imagine children, maybe as many as 10, who were without food in a place that was probably so far away that it was beyond the city where my grandma lived!

How did it happen that they had no food in their house? Where were their parents? Were they going to die? It was very upsetting to consider their plight, the circumstances of which were beyond my ability to imagine.

I did not feel like eating.

I can still remember the sense of urgency I felt the next morning as I stood in my pajamas at our cupboard, searching for relief supplies. I took the bag of my favorite cookies over to my mom who was cooking breakfast. “We have to take these to them, the children.”

What my mother did next was inspired by pure mothering genius, and I will always be grateful to her for her insight. She looked at me, understood and said, “Okay, good idea.”

We got into the family station wagon, the humanitarian aid cookies on my lap, and drove to our church. We found Father John who was wearing his priest-collar, so I knew he was still on the job even though it was not Sunday.

My mom explained to him on my behalf that we needed his help to get the cookies to the children who were starving in Africa. I searched his face to see if I could trust him with this urgent mission. Without missing a beat, he said that he would do that right away.

“Please, it’s very important,” I told him. I handed the bag of cookies up to him. We got in the car as he pointed to the cookies and waved goodbye.

We drove back to our house in silence, passing through neighborhoods of children on bikes who seemed to my searching eyes to be well-enough fed.

Peace coverRead this article in its entirety on Attachment Parenting International‘s “Nurturing Peace” issue of The Attached Family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*First photo source: FreeImages.com/Milka Huang

**Second photo source: FreeImages.com/Mark Karstad

Insightful parents may choose AP, but AP can also inspire parents to develop insight

family hand heartAfter my post “To spank, or not to spank” was published on APtly Said, my friend Ingrid and I had a conversation about the challenges of raising kids and how difficult it is at times to discipline them in a positive way — moreover, how hard it is to keep our composure, especially when we are distressed with other matters in our lives. With our voices cracking and our eyes welling up, we each recalled that one time when we betrayed our own conscience, crossed that line and spanked our child. Ingrid said she felt awful and understood she needed to find more constructive ways to deal with her anger.

Effie2 (2)Our conversation highlighted a notion that I have been pondering for some time. By its very nature, those of us who are insightful and mindful gravitate toward Attachment Parenting (AP) as it fits in with who we are as individuals.

A lack of deep awareness and insight could prevent some parents from appreciating and accepting the AP approach. Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting entail that parents have awareness and introspection, which is needed with this gentle and intuitive approach to parenting. In order to respond with sensitivity, provide consistent love and care and practice positive discipline, a parent needs to be able to regulate his or her emotions and actions.

I believe that, as people sharing the same wonderful and challenging experience of being parents, we need to support and help one another. I’m enthusiastic to share words of advice and resources with the parents who approach me with parenting-related questions. Although we may be rowing in different styles and in different directions, all parents are in the same boat — trying to reach the same destination of raising healthy, happy and successful kids. When we model positive discipline and any other of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, other parents may be inspired and interested in learning more about our parenting approach.

Last week, at school pick-up, I couldn’t find my son. He had gone with his friends outside of the school parameters without my knowledge or permission. I wasn’t sure where he was and who he was with. I was furious with him. When I walked over to the school yard, I found him playing. I called him over, knelt down and explained to him that, as his mother, it’s my job and main responsibility to make sure he is safe. I also told him how upset I was when I didn’t know where he was. When I concluded our conversation, a friend who was standing nearby asked, “How do you do it?”

“Do what?” I asked.

“How do you stay so calm?” she replied. “I would go crazy if my son did that. Do you ever scream and yell, or just lose it?”

I was surprised by her statement, because I didn’t feel calm. I felt as though I had a ball of fire inside me. I responded that I have my moments when I yell, but I don’t like it when I do. Yelling doesn’t produce any positive results, so why continue doing it? I’ve learned there are more effective ways to deal with an uncooperative child.

Parenting is not about perfection, but exploration — finding out what works and what doesn’t, and adjusting accordingly. Acknowledging that we have faulted is not shameful but courageous!

Inherently, to be an attached parent, we need to be in touch with ourselves. When raising our kids with personal awareness and insight, we grow and transform with and from our kids. The inner examination and work is difficult and, at times, can be painful. But the rewards of personal growth and raising happy, content kids who will grow to be positive and productive additions to our society are priceless.

This Children’s Day: It’s time to break Watson’s legacy in childrearing norms

By Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson, API Cofounders and coauthors of Attached at the Heart

Editor’s note: November 20 is Universal Children’s Day, created by the United Nations in 1954 to improve the well-being of children. As Attachment Parenting International (API) observes Children’s Day today, we want to remember the rights of children to a safe, nurturing home where they can grow and learn with attachment-based care and discipline.

For hundreds of years, the treatment of children in many cultures has been harsh and disturbing. We know that the residuals of some of those abusive practices are still present today. Great strides have been made in the treatment of children, but we still have a long way to go.

Until the evolution of our modern Western culture, children had to grow up fast and get to work, usually on the family farm. By the time they were 8, 9 or 10 years old, their childhoods were over.

The period we call “adolescence” is a stage of development rather newly identified by child development researchers. With the identification of this new stage of development, coupled with new laws in the 20th century to protect children from abusive work practices, children were allowed to enjoy a longer childhood.

All along the way, attitudes about children and parenting practices were largely influenced by strict religious dogma or experts in the fields of psychology and human development. Over the years, thousands of parenting books have been written claiming to have the answer to raising “good,” obedient children — leaving many parents confused, anxious or feeling guilty and many children feeling disconnected from their parents.

John B. WatsonOne classic example comes from the work of psychologist John B. Watson, who admonished parents not to hug, coddle or kiss their infants and young children in order to train them to develop good habits early on. In 1928, Watson published his hugely popular childcare book, Psychological Care of Infant and Child. His parenting advice had negative and devastating effects on children and their families — sometimes for generations.

mariette hartleyIn her book Breaking the Silence, actress and comedian Mariette Hartley writes about the heartbreaking legacy for her family and millions of other families created by the advice of her maternal grandfather, John Watson, or “Big John” as she called him:

“In Big John’s ideal world, children were to be taken from their mothers during their third or fourth week: If not, attachments were bound to develop. He claimed that the reason mothers indulged in baby-loving was sexual. … Children should never be kissed, hugged or allowed to sit on their laps.

My mother’s upbringing was purely intellectual. The only time my mother was ‘kissed on the forehead’ was when she was about 12 and Big John went to war. Although she was reading the newspaper by the time she was 2, there was never any touching, not any at all. Grandfather’s theories infected my mother’s life, my life and the lives of millions.

How do you break a legacy? How do you keep from passing a debilitating inheritance down, generation to generation, like a genetic flaw?”

Suicide and depression have been the legacies left her by her family, having lost her father, an uncle, a cousin and almost her mother. Not without her own emotional “demons,” Mariette was able to break the chain through therapy and raising her awareness about life, love and spirit. She became a loving mother of 2 children and continues to work as a successful actress while donating her time to suicide prevention.

Watson’s legacy, like others’, continues to permeate our cultural psyche in many ways: how we view children, how we speak to them and how we treat them.

In order to discipline children, our culture has accepted numerous ways of keeping kids in line. They are often talked down to or spoken to harshly, hit, humiliated, shamed, ignored and, in some extreme cases, tortured, such as by placing hot sauce on a child’s tongue or forcing a child to stand for long periods of time with his arms straight out.

These culturally accepted forms of discipline — now being recognized by some as “normative abuse” — have been so much a part of our culture that we sometimes don’t think twice about it. We have learned to desensitize ourselves to the actual physical and emotional pain that it causes children. After all, that’s how we were raised, and we turned out OK — right? Maybe we were lucky and turned out well in spite of how we were treated…maybe we still suffer in ways we don’t realize are connected to our early childhood years.

Some of us were lucky enough to have strong, loving families with parents who did the best they could with what they knew then. We can understand that, embrace it and even forgive, because we know that there are no perfect parents and their love far outweighs anything else. But now that we know better, we must try to do better for our children.