Teaching Peace – Page 20

Thanksgiving for joy and peace in my parenting

I am so thankful to Attachment Parenting International (API). I can only imagine how different my life would be without the peaceful communication skills and lifestyle I have learned and put into practice in my home the past 9 years.

I remember myself at the beginning of this journey — the “need” for control in my parent-child relationship, the anger when my child didn’t do as I thought she should have, the overwhelm of realizing how much I didn’t know about parenting, the anxiety about whether I was doing it right or not, the complete lack of knowledge about healthy child development expectations, the frustration of realizing that I didn’t know myself and how to handle my own emotions as much as I thought I did, the conflict between my mothering instincts and cultural advice promoting detachment and emotional distance.

As a woman who excelled in her career for years before becoming a mother, the transition to motherhood — during which I was so seemingly inept — was unnervingly difficult.

Wow, how I have changed over time! I am the opposite in nearly every way — calm and confident, full of gratitude and peace, feeling no need to try to control my children. And my children are so happy, and their behavior and worldviews amaze me — I believe because they do as my husband and I, and others in our “village,” model to them and they are secure in their relationships with us. They know what is expected, and they do it because it is the way we live, day in and day out. We are a community — one sewn together with love, simplicity and appreciation…as API writer Effie Morchi mentions in her post earlier this week.

I am thankful that my children — ages 9, 8 and 4 — act out of the family values instilled in them. I am proud that they are able to confidently, though lovingly, call me out in those occasions when I act outside the boundaries of behavior expected in our family. I remember a morning a few weeks ago when I was angry with my husband and was acting a little grumpy while brushing my teeth in the bathroom. My 8-year-old daughter, sweet Emily, was in the bathroom with me when she said, “Mommy, remember grace!” I thanked her, spun on my heels and walked straight to my husband to share my forgiveness. Thank you, Emily, for modeling the gentle instruction we practice in our family — sometimes, parents need reminders, too!

I so love being a mother. I so love being at home with my family. I really enjoy being with my friends and out in the community and writing and volunteering and crocheting and singing and reading a good book, too, but my favorite place in the whole world — my paradise, my ultimate vacation destination — is home, with my children, just being together.

Thank you, API, for giving me these wonderful gifts — joy in my parenting and peace in my life. It is API’s education and support — as a complement to my personal spiritual faith — that, over the past 9 years, have shaped the way I think, speak and live my life. I only hope I can repay these incredible gifts through my service and giving back, even if only in a small way.

The simple attitude of gratitude

As parents, one of the most profound messages we can convey to our kids is a deep sense of gratitude.

Their world is one full of abundance of materialistic possessions and choices. Many homes have countless toys, ice cream flavors, clothes and TV shows to choose from. One may think that the many choices would lead to happiness and contentment, but scientific studies show that they lead to feelings of unhappiness, regret and deficiency, according to this article from Scientific American. Observing my kids and their peers makes it abundantly clear to me that these findings are so.

I recall the day a few years ago when my husband and I were shopping with the kids and made a stop at a toy store. We had each of our kids choose a toy. Our daughter chose a Barbie doll, and my husband suggested she choose another toy as she already had a few dolls. With a whine in her voice, she objected, “But I only have 35.” I thought, “Only? 35? What?!” My husband and I looked at each other with dismay.

I discussed this incident with a friend and how I felt my daughter was unappreciative of all that she had, that it just never seemed to be enough — to which my friend replied, “And who got her most of the 35 dolls?” Her words struck me. I felt disappointed with myself, as I knew this attitude was not in line with the priorities and values I strive to instill in my kids. I realized that somehow, surrounded by all this materialistic abundance and going with the flow of society, we were raising our kids in a manner that didn’t agree with our core values and who we truly are.

In the face of materialistic abundance, I wish for my kids’ abundance to be of a different kind — abundance of simplicity, love and appreciation…not materialism and ungratefulness. I am aware of how this shift in outlook transformed my life for the better, so I’m inspired to teach them with my words, as well as my actions, about gratitude and simplicity.

Alongside my kids, I’m growing and learning the meaning and significance of gratitude. I’m grateful for all the bliss and light my kids bring into my life. And I’m grateful for all the challenges that come with parenthood: the exhaustion, the scary visits to the hospital, the worry, the diagnosis we didn’t want to hear, the strain on the marriage, the constant demands of raising kids. They are all a part of our journey as individuals and as a family.

So, on warm, sunny days, we play at the park and I remind my kids how fortunate we are to enjoy the beautiful outdoors. On dreary, rainy days, I remind them how nice it is that Mother Nature showers us with water and we get to enjoy a quiet, cozy day at home. And on the occasions when we are stuck in snail-pace traffic, I reserve my frustration and focus on making the best out of the time we have together in that small space. We enjoy listening to music and talking, doing our best to keep the mood light. We never know what tomorrow will bring. We may wish we appreciated that precious time we had together, traffic and all.

If we raise our awareness, we become stronger and better with all that we encounter. When we are grateful for it all, we get to see and appreciate the whole picture — with its dark and the bright colors.

Today and every day, I am grateful for all that we have and all that we “lack” as a family. I am thankful for the ride — for each and every curve, valley, uphill climb, mountain peak and the magnificent view along the way. They all led us to where we are today and lead us to where we are going.

May we all remember to always give thanks for all the challenges, joy and inspiration that come with being a parent!

Inspired to read more about gratitude? Check out these archived posts from Attachment Parenting International (API):

+ “Learning to live a life of gratitude” by API Cofounder Lysa Parker, coauthor of Attached at the Heart

+ “Gratitude” by API Leader Leyani Redditi also on API’s blog, APtly Said

+ “My Dear Crying Baby” by API Member Tamara Parnay on The Attached Family, API’s online magazine

Getting through the Paris attacks with an old neighbor

On November 13, 2015 — as I pushed through the realities of daily life with two young children — I coped with a lot of emotion: fear for my sister-in-law, who was in Paris on business…relief when she let us know she was unharmed…and sadness that something so horrible could happen.

As I scrolled through Facebook the next morning, I happened upon a post of inspiring quotes from Fred Rogers.

I’m a bit obsessed with Mr. Rogers. Like many of us, I watched his public children’s television show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, every day when I was young. When I became pregnant with my second child, I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness), so I reluctantly allowed my older daughter more screentime than I would have liked while I was incapacitated. The slow pace, and gentle, educational content of Mr. Rogers’ show allayed many of my concerns about my toddler watching TV. I started researching Fred Rogers, a wonderfully loving man in all aspects of his life. I ended up buying books of his quotes and insights, and look to them frequently for inspiration. His love and acceptance of all people is an ideal I try to live up to everyday.

I opened the article. Mr. Rogers got me through preschool, a difficult pregnancy and the challenges of daily life. He could get me through Paris.

And he did:

“When I was a boy and would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers in this world.” ~ Fred Rogers

As a mother and API Leader, Attachment Parenting is often on my mind — but usually in a very immediate sense. I answer questions about bedsharing and breastfeeding. I use positive discipline to get through a toddler’s tantrum. Mr. Rogers reminded me of why I chose Attachment Parenting in the first place: to raise empathic children who will be the helpers of this world…because what this world really needs is more people who grew up feeling deeply what Mr. Rogers always told us:

“I like you just the way you are.”

(Photo of Fred Rogers from Snappy New Day.com)

Nurturing peace, in our parenting and for our world

“Raising children with secure attachments and empathic hearts is essential to the future of mankind.” ~ GreatNonprofits

Is world peace possible?

When we talk about the potential for Attachment Parenting (AP) to change the world, we are referring to a ripple effect: Our children growing up to be compassionate and empathic, becoming parents who foster secure attachments with their children, whose children then grow up to repeat the cycle of peaceful living both in and out of the home.

Just as what our society experienced with La Leche League International’s breastfeeding revolution, begun more than 50 years ago, we at Attachment Parenting International (API) hope to be looking at a different kind of society in coming generations — one where disconnection is discouraged and healthy, securely attached relationships are valued above competition and shame.

API is working every day to better support and educate parents on establishing and maintaining secure parent-child attachments. And parents are striving every day to put API’s Eight Principles of Parenting to practice in their relationships with their children.

Many parents understand the challenge of adopting the new mindset needed to fully grasp how Attachment Parenting works. This parenting approach requires looking at the world, your child, your role as a parent and the way you live through a different lens — one that not everyone is able to see. API’s core ethos is a frame of mind that we promote as a practice: respect, empathy, compassion and reflection in thought, speech and action toward yourself and others.

We believe that parents who practice these habits of mind will tend to practice parenting in ways that resemble API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. Likewise, we believe that parents who practice the behaviors included in API’s Eight Principles of Parenting are capable and more likely to practice API’s ethos.

Once you “get” API’s ethos, Attachment Parenting can become much easier, much more “natural.” I liken it to stepping into an alternate reality of sorts. You’re able to view the world, your community, your home, your and others’ relationships in a whole new way and you can then make life choices from a point of compassion, trust, empathy and peace.

Our society tends to shy away from the concept of peace. To many, the idea of world peace is seen to be purely idealistic. We know it as the standard answer of pageant girls competing for Miss America. We also know that there are numerous ways touted to be the answer for world peace, from literacy to racial equality to democracy to certain religions. In reality, for world peace to be attainable, it must take a combination of factors from all levels of society. To many people, that may seem impossible.

Yet peace is what all of our souls crave. It is a sense of contentment, safety and security. It is a joy that doesn’t follow emotional highs and lows, that doesn’t fade when the excitement of instant gratification falls away. Peace allows us to feel centered and to find our balance quickly when we lose our equilibrium. Peace gives us a sense of purpose and control of our life’s direction. When living in peace, people have space in their lives to focus on bettering not only their lives but those around them.

But peace can be elusive. Many people simply do not know how to get to a place of peace in their lives.

For parents who come to API seeking support and education about Attachment Parenting, we offer a way. Secure attachment, promoted through API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, can help families find peace. A person whose attachment needs are met is able to think beyond the basic, day-to-day physical and mental survival and the “need” of trying to keep up with the hectic pace of society, in order to experience greater personal well-being and family enjoyment.

API is doing its part in promoting world peace. We truly believe in our mission to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world. And we truly believe in parents’ ability to do just that — to raise their children to be secure, full of joy, with the ability to empathize with and show compassion to others.

In the latest issue of The Attached Family, we explore “Nurturing Peace,” both in ourselves and our children, with features on:

Conscious Living with Lisa Reagan, a member of API’s Resource Advisory Council, editor of Kindred and cofounder of Families for Conscious Living – through whom we learn about the inspiration for this issue’s cover, “the Blue Marble,” and how each of us are involved in public policy everyday of our lives just by living the choices we make…such how we choose to take parental leave after the birth of our baby
How to talk to our children about world tragedies, why its important for our children’s development to protect them from adult concerns and what our children actually hear when parents mention starving children in Africa to try to convince their children to finish the food on their plates — by Tamara Brennan, executive director of the Sexto Sol Center
The Dynamic of Disappearing Dads with Meryn Callander, author of Why Dads Leave – through whom we learn the generational result of disconnected parenting of boys, and how wives and partners can better support new fathers in healing their emotional wounds to be able to bond with their baby and fulfill their role in the family.
ACEs with Jane Stevens, founder of ACES Too High and ACEs Connection Network – through whom we learn what ACEs are, how they are just as prevalent among families in poverty as well as middle class, and how resilience-building practices such as Attachment Parenting can both heal and protect people from the consequences of ACEs.

We hope that this issue of The Attached Family will inspire your efforts to nurture peace within yourself, your family, your community and, yes, even the world.

Happy Peace Day from API!

International Peace Day — today, September 21, as declared by the United Nations — advocates the theme: “Partnerships for Peace: Dignity for All.”

This observance aims to highlight the importance of all segments of society to work together to strive for peace — asking us all to create a more just, stable and peaceful world.

API Leaders and staff take this to heart, every day passionately working to carry out Attachment Parenting International‘s mission:

to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world.

Happy Peace Day!

Transformed by their love

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) hopes every mom enjoyed her Mother’s Day on May 10 and every dad is looking forward to Father’s Day on June 21. This week, in honor of all mothers, API gives you a special “Inspired Mothers” celebration. We hope these posts inspire you in your parenting journey.

I am humbled by the love I see in my children’s eyes, by their desire to show me who they are again and again. “Look, Mom, look at me!” they say with their words and with their bright faces turned to catch my eyes.

I have been transformed by their love.

I have been softened by their unwavering sureness of our bond. I have learned to forgive myself so that I can be forgiving. I have learned to be patient with myself so that I can be patient with them. I have learned to value the process over the product because of them. I have learned to live in this moment right now — full of joy or tears or peals of laughter — because of them.

I have been transformed by their love.

I have worked to let go of old fears because of them. I have worked to resolve my anger because of them. I have learned to communicate my feelings because of them. I have delved into my creativity because of them. I have let myself be loved truly, deeply and without measure.

I have been transformed by their love.

15 years

Fifteen years — a lot can happen in that length of time. Marriages, divorces, births, deaths, adoptions, new jobs and big adventures can paint their way through a life like mine when so many days have gone by.

It truly seems like it was just the other day that a small group of dear friends and I decided to start a local group affiliated with Attachment Parenting International (API) in Des Moines, Iowa, USA — only the second one in the Midwest.

We were all in need of building our intentional village.

Having been a leader of a breastfeeding support group prior, I now found myself facing a new challenge of not only re-lactating to nurse a micro-preemie, but an adopted, drug- and alcohol-affected baby with a plethora of special needs. I finally needed to call in favors for support for myself. But those supports didn’t exist in my community at the time.

My parenting was evolving, and I longed for a group where I could speak more openly and find honest and straightforward, yet gentle and kind friends, while offering the same to others. I wanted us to be the kind of people you trust around your children, because you know we believe in nurturing and validating each other and we want the best for all of our kids collectively, not only individually.

I had been doing Attachment Parenting (AP) for many years before I knew there was a word, but once I realized that we could begin offering support, information and encouragement to others, I was excited to get going. From very early on, we had a few very regular families and we bonded into such a natural support that it wasn’t unusual to see us with one dad pushing someone else’s child on a swing while a mom wore two babies at once, hers and her dear friend’s. We viewed Attachment Parenting not only as our choice in a parenting style but in our broader approach as to how we faced the world.

Later, when some coleaders moved away, my current co-leader of somewhere close to a decade, Laurie Belin, stepped forward and agreed to assist, support, advocate, nurture and encourage so many here in Des Moines — along with me. Other organizations were envious that I had such a phenomenal coleader, but as I moved into a place of single parenting my five children, with many special needs, while trying to provide financially for them, she took on so much more of the responsibility so that our group could not only survive, but thrive and I could just show up and help lead meetings.

Many families have passed through our doors through the years, and many more find support through our private online support group that Laurie moderates with grace and knowledge like few could. We have had a diverse group, and I have been privileged to witness some beautiful parenting and some thought-provoking conversations, and to be a part in some parents’ growth. I have heard myself quoted and am honored to have a positive impact on our AP community.

I have been blessed to lead API of Central Iowa for 15 years. My children are now nearly 23, 19, 15, 12 and 7. My Attachment Parenting journey is far from over, as I believe we carry API’s Eight Principles of Parenting throughout life. I am tremendously thankful for all I have learned, how I myself have grown and for all Laura, other coleaders and I have been allowed to share with families throughout these 15 years.

Thank you, API. I have received so much more than I ever gave.

Insight from the International Children’s Yoga Conference on mindfulness

Last month, I was invited as a guest speaker to the International Children’s Yoga Conference in the beautiful town of Heidelberg in Southern Germany. The main topic of this year’s conference was mindfulness, and my workshop focused on my mindfulness and yoga work with children dealing with chronic illness.

Participants with all kinds of different backgrounds and from five different countries traveled to Heidelberg in order to learn, inspire and grow together over the course of three days. Several guest speakers shared experiences and ideas around different mindfulness topics. It was a wonderful and uplifting experience, and everyone seemed to leave the conference and the town of Heidelberg inspired and happy — but many participants also seemed to be a bit surprised by how their conference experience differed from what they had expected it to be like.

On my seven-hour train ride from Heidelberg up to Berlin, Germany, I had to opportunity to connect and chat with some of these participants and learn in more detail about their impressions on the conference and the topic of mindfulness as the conference organisers advised each attendee. Here is what I discovered:

While many of the (mostly) yoga teachers seemed to have anticipated workshops and lectures providing them with hands-on tips and strategies and tools on how to “teach” mindfulness to children, this is what they got instead: Alongside many hands-on tips and techniques, over the course of these three days, they were taken on a rather self-exploratory journey themselves — tuning into their very own minds, connecting to their intuition, experiencing and exploring mindfulness from the inside out!

This is the true essence of mindfulness work with children and teenagers and adults alike, no matter in which setting. The basic and most important prerequisite is us being mindful ourselves, within our own lives. Only then can we be authentic and function as gentle guides for others — be this our partner, our own children, our patients, clients, students. Once we cultivate a mindfulness practice for ourselves — this can look very differently for each and everyone of us — we will automatically radiate this to our surroundings and maybe start inspiring the ones around us toward a more mindful way of living.

So, if you want to “teach” your kids “how to be more mindful,” the starting point is you!

You, cultivating your own mindfulness practice. This can be as simple as focusing on your breathing for three minutes everyday, maybe first thing in the morning before you even get out of bed or last thing at night before you go off to sleep.

You will be in a much better and more authentic place for incorporating mindfulness into your loved ones’ lives.

And although seeking for inspiration at conferences, in books, on the Internet or in classes — once you start your own journey — don’t be surprised if you become so inspired that you come up with your and your family’s very own mindfulness practices and traditions. Wishing you a wonderful journey. If you like, connect with me and let me know how it goes.