Presence – Page 16

Attachment grandparenting…what’s your role?

By Lysa Parker, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International (API) and coauthor of Attached at the Heart with Barbara Nicholson

Editor’s note: Happy Grandparents Day! The grandparent-grandchild bond can be an important relationship in any child’s life, as a complement to a secure parent-child attachment. Today, API encourages grandparents to explore their influence in their grandchild’s life as an advocate for — and available support, as needed, to — the parents.

My husband Jim and I have a blended family, and our first experience with grandchildren began 14 years ago when our twin grandsons were born. We discovered that Attachment Grandparenting requires a very active role in several ways.

Advocating for the Family

Morgan, my step-daughter, was a single mother. I was able to attend my grandsons’ births and hold them soon after. The nurses offered to take them to the nursery, because their mother was recovering from a Cesarean section and was very weak, but Jim and I felt very protective of our grandsons and told them we would hold the babies. We held and rocked them for as long as we could and as often as we could until their mother felt better.

I helped Morgan with breastfeeding when she was having difficulty getting her sleepy babies to latch, and Jim and I helped Morgan prepare for safe bedsharing with twins and made sure she ate healthy and rested often. Morgan breastfed her twins for almost a year, and they thrived.

We proudly wore our grandsons around the neighborhood and savored our time with them until they moved back to Houston, Texas, USA, when they were about 10 months old. We missed them terribly, and we weren’t able to see them as often as we wanted. Still on some deep and inexplicable level, we made a connection with them that no distance could sever. Whenever we would visit, they always wanted to sit on our laps or be next to us. At night, we would help them get ready for bed and they would ask us to carry them to bed, as if remembering the many times we held and rocked them when they were babies.

In the blink of an eye, they became teenagers, and if we are lucky we see them once a year, but the bond is there. There’s no doubt to us as to the mysterious and profound nature of that bond established in just the first weeks and months of life.

Why is Grandparenting So Wonderful?

I’ve always heard from others about how wonderful it is to be a grandparent. I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to live close to my granddaughter and build our relationship. We enjoy supporting her parents and being a resource for them, something we never had as young parents. Being a grandparent is freeing: We don’t have as many unrealistic expectations and stressors that we did when younger.

Making Ripples

We, at API, often talk about the ripple effect we can create by the little changes each of us makes in our families and in our communities. I want to share how empowering and far-reaching some experiences can be.

Morgan grew up in California, USA, so we had a long-distance relationship with her that included summer visits. She was not exposed to breastfeeding when she was growing up, other than when she herself was breastfed for a short time as an infant. Nor did she have a lot of exposure to caring for children. So the fact that she was able to breastfeed her twin boys for as long as she did was due to her living with us and getting a lot of support from me and her father.

Years later, after moving to Houston with her babies, Morgan had a friend who gave birth to twins — one of whom had special needs — in a local hospital. Morgan encouraged her friend to breastfeed. While Morgan was visiting her friend at the hospital, a nurse came into the room and was shocked that Morgan’s friend was attempting to breastfeed the infants and discouraged her from doing so. That’s when Morgan told the nurse that she was able to successfully nurse twins and so could her friend, that in no uncertain terms should the nurse be discouraging breastfeeding for this mother.

I felt such pride for Morgan that her own breastfeeding experience gave her such courage and conviction to help another mother. No doubt the ripple effect continues in other ways.

Offering Support

Our most recent experience in Attachment Grandparenting began in May 2013 when our granddaughter, Layla McCartney Parker, was born to our son, Jamison, and daughter-in-law, Jordan.

As experienced parents know, there can many real and potential challenges during pregnancy and childbirth, many of which first-time parents just don’t know. There are a lot of choices and a lot of decisions to be made, and unless you’re clear about what you want, it can be overwhelming to say the least. There are important decisions to be made that can have a huge impact on birth and breastfeeding experiences.

Jordan was unfamiliar with Attachment Parenting and new to API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. When I offered, Jordan and Jamison were very open to learning about Attachment Parenting and allowed me to help them navigate through the myriad options, such as finding supportive childbirth classes, creating a birth plan, attending La Leche League meetings and creating a safe sleep environment ahead of time. They knew, too, that my husband and I would be their support system after the baby arrived, if and when they needed us.

Both Jordan and Jamison really wanted a natural birth but were uncertain how to make that happen. That’s where local hynobirthing classes were immensely helpful, as well as the support of a caring and experienced doula. Jordan arrived at the hospital at 9 centimeters, and with Jamison and the doula by her side trying to keep her relaxed and focused, Layla was born within an hour — all naturally.

Just when we thought it was all over, the nurses wanted to give pitocin to help Jordan recover. That blind-sided everyone! Natural birth is natural birth, right?

Since I hadn’t arrived at the hospital yet, my son anxiously texted me about what he should do and was confused because he didn’t expect this after his wife just finished a natural birth. So was I, but I assured him that pitocin wasn’t necessary to help Jordan “recover” and that putting the baby to the breast would help her recover just as quickly by helping to expel the placenta. They refused the pitocin, and everything went great from that point on, from skin-to-skin holding to breastfeeding.

Enriching the Grandchild’s Life

This time around, we have the opportunity to be engaged in our granddaughter’s life on a regular basis, especially since her daddy is the stay-at-home parent for now. The love we feel for her is intoxicating! I will often get the urge to see her and call to ask if I can come over and play. Usually my son is eager for a little break in his day.

Babies are born to expect at least 4 adults to enrich their lives. Jim and I have made a conscious effort to see her at least twice a week, so we are very familiar faces and voices.

I have developed a special relationship with Layla in terms of singing lullabies to her. She was just a couple months old when I began to sing to her, and she would look at me intensely with a face of recognition whenever I sang a familiar song. We know infants like repetition, so I make sure I sing the older lullabies and add new ones along the way. It gives me great joy to see her big smile when I sing to her. She loves music and has even gone to hear her “Poppy” — Jim is a musician — play his guitar in concert without making a peep. She is mesmerized by the guitar and music. For me, music is the language of the soul, and I hope we always keep that special relationship with her and nurture her love for music.

Layla is 10 months old now, and she is the light of our lives. I wear her as often as I can when I care for her. I rock her and sing her to sleep and love to play with her when she’s awake, delighting in every little milestone. And I delight in watching my son and his wife grow into their parenting role. We also love watching our twin grandsons grow into young men and cherish our relationship with them.

Do I sound like I’m in love with Attachment Grandparenting? You bet I am!

Give your child what school cannot — rest for the brain — and free them to grow into their own

Becoming mature is not inevitable. Not all children enter the adult world able to hold on to themselves while, at the same time, mix with others.

For some adults, the ability to respect the boundaries and values of others, and still keep their own, is not an easy to do. For these adults, having their own opinions and ideas — while being able to listen and consider those of others — is also not something that characterizes their interactions.

Our schools are investing resources and energy into trying to teach children how to behave maturely and get along with others. Movies are being produced to teach about respecting feelings. Programs are being designed to combat bullying. None of these things can produce long lasting results and they can even affect your child’s ability to learn and do well in school. If your child isn’t doing well in school then you can think about getting them a math tutor or taken them to an after school learning program.

No matter how hard we try to work at it, mature character traits that are needed to get along in the world cannot be taught: They grow within, when the conditions are right.

I am reminded of what is missing — and what is possible — when I think of Mark and Dan.

The boys are brothers. Mark is 12, and Dan is 10. They are two years apart in school, and neither one of them was happy when I met their family. Mark had the saddest expression I had ever seen on a child’s face. Dan’s face was hardened, and there was no light reflected in his eyes. I listened to their stories and encouraged their parents to listen to their stories.

It was then that their parents realized that Mark and Dan were lacking the fundamental conditions for growth and maturation, and they set about to provide those conditions. Nature worked its miracles, and within several months, the extraordinary process of emergence was in full bloom. Both boys were filled with vitality, venturing forth energy and a desire to learn. With the start of summer vacation, Mark and Dan had each planned his own schedule of activities that included areas of study they each wanted to explore.

There are many ways to reach this state of creativity, exploring and discovery. We are fortunate if we can be in this state of being at least part of the time in our lives. When we know what conditions our children need in order to be in this state, we can make sure they are being provided.

What Mark and Dan’s parents provided for their sons was…rest. All growth takes place in a state of rest, including psychological growth. They made sure their sons had rest from worrying about results all the time: good grades, academic achievement, keeping up with the standards. They made sure they had rest from activities that distracted them from their own thoughts and creativity, like computer games, iPads and play dates. They made sure they had rest in their relationships, that they could feel a big enough invitation in their attachment to their parents so the relationship would be secure and become deep.

Mark and Dan’s parents found that providing rest was so much better than seeking behavior-modification techniques or psychological assessment. Their parents’ eyes shifted from seeing what was wrong with their sons to what conditions for growth their sons were missing. Their efforts at providing rest were much more fulfilling, natural and intuitive than the standard advice that is usually given. And the fruits were so much sweeter: the blossoming curiosity, emergent creativity and natural love of learning that characterize all children when they are young.

Can our schools provide this quality of rest for our children?

I would like to think that this potential exists within our system. There are good intentions to make school feel like home and to give individual attention to students.

But until the focus moves away from getting the end result immediately through programs that emphasize academic achievement and social and emotional learning, children will not have the psychological rest they need that frees their curiosity, their natural love of learning and the growth of their capacity to integrate well with others.

Our focus needs to move to providing the right context and conditions that make it possible for growth to unfold and for human potential to develop. This is the source of our hope for the next generation of adults.

Being a mother means…

Being a mother: It means…

…to hold and nurture you inside my body until the moment you arrive in this world.

…having unconditional devotion to another being till my last breath.

…to trust my instincts and teach you to trust yours.

…to care for you, embrace you and answer all your cries.

…to endure exhaustion and pain while always recognizing there is much to gain.

…to be elated with your first roll, crawl and step.

…to be there to ease all your fears and mishaps.

…to tell you “no,” even if it makes you upset.

…sometimes you will not like me.

…that, at times, you will be angry with me.

….you may shed many tears and exclaim how mean I am.

…listening to you patiently as you tell me that I simply don’t understand.

…to guide you and teach you right from wrong.

…always telling you the truth, even it hurts, so that you will become strong.

…letting you make mistakes, as you will learn and grow from them all.

…learning, growing and evolving — with you and from you.

…allowing you to be your own unique being, whichever path you choose.

…always reminding you that you are loved and I am here for you.

…letting you spread your wings and fly away, though I really want you to stay.

…taking a deep breath, shedding happy tears and marveling at the beautiful, wholesome person you became.

Being a mother. I’m in awe. How grateful and thankful I am.

WBW 2015: Who is the woman in pink?

When this photograph was taken, 26 years ago, there was no such thing as the Internet. Cameras were film only. There were no cell phones or laptops. If you wanted to make a phone call while on the road, you had to first find a pay phone booth. And if you wanted to make a phone call at home, you had to stretch the cord connecting you to the wall around the corner to get any privacy. Mainstream parenting advice wasn’t particularly warm, fueled by a widespread fear of spoiling children, but parents who wanted another perspective could get it through a print subscription of Mothering magazine.

And while more mothers were breastfeeding back then than a couple decades before, lactation consulting was still gaining a foothold in medical practice. The International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiners, which certifies lactation consultants, was still in its infancy, having been founded in 1985. Really, the only reliable source of breastfeeding education and support anywhere was La Leche League (LLL) with its expansive network of mother-to-mother support groups, many in small and rural communities.

This image was captured in 1989 at a LLL conference in Anaheim, California, USA. The young woman in this photograph — do you recognize her? (Keep reading to find out who this mystery mom is!) — was breastfeeding Stephen, the baby in the arms of Viola Lennon, one of LLL’s seven cofounders and coauthor of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.

The world said a sad goodbye to Viola in 2010 when she passed away at the age of 86. She was the mother of 10 children and had learned how to breastfeed from her own mother before attending the founding meeting for LLL in 1956. She went on to serve LLL in many ways, including Board chairman and Development Director. LLL quotes Viola saying:

“Breastfeeding…led me to self-discovery and to a greater appreciation of the full humanity of the babies who were entrusted to me. Each woman needs to trust her own instincts, her own feelings and her own sense of what will work for her with each baby. Women in the 1950s had forgotten the wisdom of previous generations in relation to breastfeeding. Mothers who tried to breastfeed on their own were almost always destined to fail. The neighbors sent their children to watch me breastfeed, because they knew the children would not see it anywhere else!”

LLL, from the beginning, nudged parents toward a gentler, more biological way of relating to their children. Breastfeeding itself is rooted in a secure parent-child attachment bond; breastfeeding cannot be successful in any other way. No doubt, the very beginnings of the Attachment Parenting movement are rooted in LLL. Very significantly, Attachment Parenting International (API) credits LLL as part of our foundation. API’s cofounders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson were LLL Leaders before they conceived the idea of API in 1994, most influenced by a speaker they heard at an LLL conference about the importance of secure attachment on child development: Dr. Elliott Barker of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children explained how every violent criminal he had encountered had a history of extreme separation and insecure attachment as a child. As LLL continued to focus primarily on breastfeeding as its mission, API was able to take up Attachment Parenting as its mission.

LLL influenced others apart from Lysa and Barbara to educate and support parents in Attachment Parenting, many who soon joined in encouraging API’s growth and development. Among them is pediatrician and API Advisory Board member Dr. William Sears and his wife, API Board of Directors member Martha Sears, a nurse and mother to their eight children. Bill and Martha Sears had first published The Baby Book — considered a parenting bible by families around the world — in 1992, and would go on to become two of the most recognized names in parenting.

Three years before, in 1989, a young Martha was sitting on a couch with Viola as they admired Stephen. I wonder if Martha had any idea at that point what her future would hold?

Thank you, Martha, for breastfeeding your babies…for becoming a LLL Leader…for coauthoring parenting books that questioned the status quo…and for going on to encourage mothers worldwide to reclaim the wisdom of previous generations in both breastfeeding and parenting in a sensitive, nurturing, gentle, attachment-minded way. You have made a difference in the world! And we recognize you this World Breastfeeding Week!

There’s a monster under the bed

When I was a little girl, I was certain there was a monster hiding under my bed, waiting to grab my feet and drag me under the bed! To fool him, I would take a running leap onto my bed at night. Sometimes I thought that I jumped too close to the bed, so I would do this over again, until I was sure I jumped from far enough
away. This little ceremony would repeat itself every night.

At a young age, children can become obsessive and compulsive, behaving in ways that are quite illogical. I’ve spoken to parents whose children’s compulsive behaviors are baffling and appear in many different ways:

One 4-year-old girl obsessed about the star behavior chart her mom made for her. She talked all day long about winning stars. “Will I get a star?” “Will you remember to give me star?” “If I do it again, can I get another star?” Her efforts to win those stars became quite compulsive.
One 5-year-old boy became obsessive about the color green, the same color as his table in kindergarten. He insisted on wearing green slacks, eating from a green plate, drinking from a green cup, and on and on.
One 9-year-old girl developed an obsession about a girl in her class. She had to play with this girl exclusively in and after school every day, she forbade her to have other friends and her life focused around activities with this girl.
One teenager was obsessed about not gaining weight. She studied herself in the mirror regularly, checked the calorie count on food packages, and counted her calorie intake over and over again throughout the day.

What all of these children have in common is a persistent feeling of alarm and insecurity. Our brains are equipped with a delicate alarm system that is intended to alert us to things we should be cautious about. But we can only be careful and cautious when we know where the threat or danger is coming from. When we’re not aware of what is making us anxious and alarmed, our brain invents an explanation.

Sometimes the true source is camouflaged, because it’s too much to bear and the mind has to make up something because the real thing is too overwhelming. When “Mommy has to go to work” is too much for a child, her brain may invent the monster under the bed. When “The teacher doesn’t notice me” makes a child feel unsafe in kindergarten, the green table he sits at each day is the “safe zone” and the color green becomes the “safe color.”

These obsessions and compulsive behaviors provide cognitive back-fill and keep the true source of our alarm and anxiety at a distance. But then they keep repeating themselves, because they only give some temporary fleeting relief from the alarm and anxiety rather than address the true source, and so the alarm and anxiety keep returning and the obsessive-compulsive behavior repeats itself in another attempt to find relief.

Little by little, children discover that they can’t always hold us close, that Mommy or Daddy have to leave, that bad things can happen, that things we care about can spoil or get lost, that death is part of life. Children can’t really explain why they feel unsafe, and we should not try to force them to talk about their insecurities. We should certainly not use these things to scare them into being good for us, such as, “I’ll give you the green shirt as soon as you put your toys away.” This only serves to increase the alarm.

We need to normalize our children’s worries and fears and help them express these vulnerable feelings. Children need plenty of room for this within the context of a safe and secure attachment relationship. We need to let them know we’re here for them and that we’re on their side.

One of my favorite stories is about a father whose daughter couldn’t fall asleep, because she was afraid of “the monster in the house.” He brought out his tool box and held the hammer in his hand while he gave her a screw driver to hold. Hand in hand, they went all around the house to search for the monster. Then they went outside and circled the house together. No monster.

“We must have scared him off,” the father concluded. Then the two of them sat down together, and he told his daughter about the monsters he confronted when he was a boy and how courage grows. At least for a while, this little girl slept soundly. The experience helped her feel that her strong father was holding her close in his heart and protecting her.

And that’s the best thing we can do for our children — not only when they get obsessive, but all the time.

The sunrise of balance

It was a Tuesday morning, years ago.

And like many other mornings, I awoke and started into my day. Awaiting me was housework to be completed, emails to be answered, errands to be accomplished and deadlines to be met. If not for my then 6-year-old son, I likely would have stayed in this state of mind.

He woke after me, ready to begin his own day. Within moments of waking, I saw him approach the window and look toward the sky. He then spoke, offering words to describe what he was seeing. In awe, he exclaimed, “Mama, the sky! It’s so colorful!” I turned to him, and seeing his exuberant joy, my heart flooded with deep gratitude. I looked out the window, too. It was indeed colorful. In fact, in that moment, it became the most spectacular sunrise I’d ever seen. My son’s gentle reminder, gifted to me in one sentence, had given me so much.

My sweet son is older now. He’s almost as tall as me, and calling me Mama has been replaced with Mom. However, I’ve never forgotten his message of that morning. To this day, years later, I still carry those words with me: “Mama, the sky! It’s so colorful!” — six words encompassing the gentle reminder to move a little slower, appreciate a little more and pause long enough to enjoy the moments of delight our days have to offer us.

I have served as an API Leader for almost 10 years. In this time, I’ve supported parents in learning more about and practicing API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. One of the principles is Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life. In a busy life, balance may appear out of reach. We all know the importance of balance, but grasping it for ourselves is seemingly elusive.

On an unassuming Tuesday morning, my son showed me where balance can be found. Balance doesn’t have to be a big fanfare. It may come quietly, simply and in the moments you’re least expecting it. It may be found in nature’s beauty, in the laughter of a child or in an impromptu living room dance party.

Wherever it may be for you, I believe it’s there, waiting to be uncovered…a moment, a simple moment, where you’re able to pause long enough to truly enjoy the beauty that surrounds you…a moment to regain perspective on what is truly important. Today, see if you can capture a moment of delight for yourself, and take one step closer to balance.

Diaper nostalgia

I thought I kept my car clean and tidy…until my husband walked in the door, waved a diaper in the air and said, “Hey, look what I found in the trunk!” It was quite a surprise — with our kids being 10 and 7 years old, the diaper era is long gone for us.

I placed the diaper on the kitchen counter. I stared at it and felt a sense of relief and a hint of joy. Memories started to flood my mind, and I thought, Boy, how I don’t miss those diapers. How I don’t miss the sleepless nights. I used to joke around and say that my babies had a unique “no sleep” gene. It was a period of five years that my nights were occupied by breastfeeding, changing diapers, rocking babies, monitoring fever, cleaning vomit and such — basically, constant interrupted sleep.

I then felt a tug in my tummy and other memories started to stream into my mind: Aww…how I miss the warmth of their little bodies next to mine. How I miss opening my eyes in the morning to the sight of their beautiful, peaceful faces. How I miss their sweet baby scent, their glowing smiles and their innocence. How I miss the monumental milestones that engulf a parent’s heart with pride and joy.

A few days earlier, my husband and I went on a rare road trip with just the two of us. After about an hour of an unusual quiet drive, he looked at me and said with a tone of concern in his voice, “Wow, soon the kids will not want to spend the weekends with us. What are we going to do?” It was a startling realization. I replied that I didn’t know and added that we will figure it out and maybe we should just do what we used to do before we had kids.

A part of me felt a sense of liberation. My husband and I made countless memories traveling and exploring away in our pre-kids days. Recapturing those days sounded appealing. Another part of me felt very sad and nostalgic: I couldn’t imagine our weekends not revolving around our kids. I could only imagine how much I will miss their constant presence.

A few days later, I found myself staring at the long lost diaper. It was a stark reminder that the only constant in life is change. It is the essence of life. Clearly, we witness our kids grow, develop and change right in front of our eyes. The challenges, the rewards and the joys of parenthood never cease to exist. They only change.

Today, with the exception of infrequent nights occupied with worry or our nocturnal pets keeping us up, our nights are quiet and restful. Gone are the sleepless nights, the separation anxiety and what at times felt like suffocating dependency. Nowadays, hovering around are challenges of a different kind: Discipline, sibling bickering and school. Today’s priceless rewards include: observing our kids become independent and confident beings, watching them foster their own unique personalities and forge strong friendships, and most of all, I marvel at their ability to face their own challenges, strive and overcome.

Every age and every stage bring a unique set of challenges and blessings. Much like a rose, with all its beauty and blossom, it has thorns. I am facing the challenges comforted by knowing that they too will pass. I am experiencing the blessings and rewards recognizing that they will likely be nostalgic in the future.

The one constant frame is the unconditional commitment and love that comes with the role of being a parent. And, possibly if I can embrace it all, I can endure and treasure the present as well as the future with all that it has to offer.

What does your family’s attachment look like?

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) advocates for a parenting approach rooted solidly in research, and continuing research further validates and builds upon API’s foundation.

Please complete a brief, anonymous survey (access using your API Forum login) regarding your experiences with family members and relationships. It is hoped that the information gathered will help move the psychological research and therapeutic community forward regarding the complex needs of today’s families.

The survey should take no more than 10 minutes of your time, and will contribute to a more detailed understanding of what helps — and hinders — familial relationships. Should you desire, the principal researcher will be happy to share the findings with you.

In addition, if you know of any other individuals who could offer input through participation, please feel free to share. Email me with any questions.

Thank you for your time, consideration and help with providing a more current and detailed understanding of family needs today.

Jenn Lewis, MS
PhD student at Northcentral University in Arizona, USA