APtly Said – Page 85

Miscarriage – The Silent Empty Box

To be filled with life is something. To be pregnant with a growing little miracle of science and nature in your belly is beautiful. To lose a pregnancy is sad. The feeling is surrounded with so many emotions. Guilt, loss, nothing, emptiness, aching, breaking, bending into shadows dark. I had to take a break today and submerge myself in some creative work. I wanted to shake this feeling of empty. Shake it loose from the empty box it resides in now. Like a box with nothing inside. Just invisible strings connecting back to my heart. I don’t know how to put it in words so I am not going to worry about using dazzling adverbs or catchy phrases, but they may just happen to come out that way. I just want to write a post about it.

There are so many women out there feeling this same feeling today, yesterday, tomorrow. It covers me like a vine nobody can see. Much like a bean pole vine grasping to anything its tendril can reach.

Photo by memomuse – “Bean Pole Vines in My Garden”

Something sturdy, mounted in dirt, standing upright. This vine of sadness can’t grasp onto nothing. So I grasp and curl around words. Around people I trust. Around acknowledgement that it happened. That’s its over. That I need to grieve.

As my mind curls and bends in thoughts of what may have been, what was just yesterday, before the bleeding started, before the sadness erupted. Before yesterday, I was cocooning into a ball of beauty, growing inside, feelings of joy and elation surrounded me. Flowers and fruits of joy rippled in the sun.

“Layers of Light” – Photo by memomuse Layers of light echoed over me, through me, around me, spinning into thick spidery webs. Now there is nothing. Just this box of invisible sadness nobody can see with the naked eye.

Long story short – I went to visit my dying mother in Colorado three weeks ago. The night before I left, my husband and I made love. I went home to Wyoming and Colorado where I feel the most alive and vibrant, for it is home and my place on this earth. I have been transplanted to North Carolina and I am trying to make the most of it. But back home, where I come from, just as the Kenny Chesney song sings, I love it there. On this journey where I thought I was going to say goodbye to my mother, I was surrounded by a land that knows me. That I know. That I love. This journey home, this journey to say goodbye, something magical happened. We conceived a baby. A miracle. A seed that sprouted into life. I found out last week I was pregnant. I took three home pregnancy tests and was more surprised with each positive test, as I have struggled with infertility in the past. My son is just thirteen months old. We were not actively trying to get pregnant. So it was a surprise to find out we were pregnant without even a blink of the eye, without a blink of the heart.

I took a home pregnancy test on Monday, then Wednesday, and then Saturday. All positive. The faint blue line got thicker with each test. I took a urine test at the doctor on Monday and they told me to come back in a week because it was, not without a doubt, positive, but there was a shadow line. So I took two more home tests that week, Wednesday and Saturday. And sure enough, positive. I started to feel the pregnancy symptoms, fatigue and drop to the floor tired.

I went in to take another urine test at the doctor yesterday, feeling it wasn’t needed, feeling pregnant, feeling sure a life was growing and thriving inside me. I didn’t need a doctor or lab technician to tell me I was pregnant. Something bigger happened – a life bloomed from my journey to say goodbye to my mother. How serendipitous. How miraculous. How joyous. It made the fact that my mother is dying a soft sleeve to rest on. To rejoice on. I was sure this baby was a girl and I was going to name her Eleanor Elizabeth and call her Ellie Elizabeth.

My mom, Elizabeth, and me as a baby

Elizabeth, named after my mother. I had visions of her soft curls, her big blue eyes, her big heart.

When I took the test at the doctor just yesterday, I noticed some blood. Frightened, I told the nurse. Then the results from the lab technician came in. The test was negative. I fumbled with my paperwork to hand to the check out clerk at the doctors. She gave me a silent nod and a sweet abbreviation of sugar, “You’re all set, Sug.” I wanted so badly to walk out the back door, nobody to see my sadness or my tears, as they began to gush. I walked past all the ripe bellies, round and plump with life.

Sometimes I wish there was a sign women going through the grief of miscarriage could wear on their back. “Please treat with kindness – grieving heart – may slumber slowly today and tomorrow and certainly the day after next.” But it is invisible. Our eyes are swollen, sad, and watered with tears only time can heal. There is no clock for this time passage. It is not an hour, a week, a month, or a year. It is a hole in our heart. We go on. And on. And hopefully you can give a hug to someone in need. Perhaps, you just don’t know. And what do you say? There are no words. Just invisible tendrils trying to clutch at something strong, sturdy. For it may be the hope of another chance at conceiving.

My toddler in my arms

Perhaps it is the smile from a toddler in your arms. Perhaps it is the earthy soil in your hands as you plant a memorial garden. Perhaps, the box is still empty when you shake it, although you are sure something is inside. Something thick. Something heavy. Because something like a life just doesn’t vanish when you bleed.

* This essay was written four months ago.

Attachment Parenting Month 2011 Blog Carnival

The theme for Attachment Parenting Month 2011, Families at Play, inspired many of you to share your thoughts about what play means for you and your family. Check out these posts submitted to the AP Month 2011 Blog Carnival to see how important play is to other families.

I Will Not Have My Child to Raise Over Again at Poppies & Pencilshavings

Just a little reminder to myself that I cannot afford too many “maybe later’s,” or “not now’s.” I love my work, but I love my child more. I need money in the bank, but money cannot ensure my child’s happiness the way my love can.

The Blessing of a Bear Encounter at Every Breath I Take

The car seat has never qualified as a “happy place” for my daughter. At two years old, she has no problem letting me know that she isn’t interested in riding in it. She often slides out before I can even fasten her in. And a [fun-for-her] game of chase ensues inside the car.

Uncovering Hidden Feelings Through Play at High Needs Attachment

It wasn’t until becoming a parent that I saw more deeply the unique ability of play to tap into a young child’s inner life. Recently when engaged in imaginative play with my three-year old, he was having animals act out a scenario where they went to a local coffee shop and ordered blueberry bagels with butter and breakfast sandwiches with cheese.

The Meaning of Play at A Secure Base

For children, play comes naturally. Children can find play hiding in boxes, under trees, in mud pies, between mom’s never-to-be-worn-again dresses in the closet, and on top of the neighborhood’s tallest hill. Children need no reason or goal in their play. They just play because they want to and they can.

Que Juegos Podemos Jugar en Familia? at Esposa Perfect

“Cualquier tipo de juego que guste al niño, lo importante es que ambos disfruten de compartir ese momento, los niños se sentirán muy felices al jugar con sus padres y serán momentos que el niño jamás olvidará. Los juegos pueden utilizarse en las actividades cotidianas o en momentos dedicados exclusivamente para jugar.

Attachment Parenting Month: Families at Play at City Kids Homeschooling

We use the city as the backdrop for our family’s play, often taking advantage of its many playgrounds and museums and festivals, but also tapping into its capacity to trigger spontaneous, creative play.

Nothing Is Really Work Unless You Would Rather Be Doing Something Else* at Seventh Acre Heaven

This month is Attachment Parenting Month and to celebrate, API (Attachment Parenting International) has chosen a theme of “Families at Play.” At first I felt a huge guilt about this. My child often refuses to play.

Nurturing Parent-Child Relationships Through Play at The Hippie Housewife

When we talk about playing with our kids, the typical things usually come to mind: imaginative play (dinosaurs, cars, house), creative play (Lego, crafting, colouring), or board games (Candyland, Go Fish, Snakes & Ladders).

Playtime Grows Up

Young children play effortlessly. Kids are naturally predisposed to play, and it doesn’t take much to engage a child in a silly game or role-play. Through play, kids express feelings, needs, thoughts and ideas that they might not yet have the words to articulate. Playing together lets parents connect and communicate with kids beyond a conversation and provides insight into their world.

A Family that Plays Together Stays Together!

Last year, I gave my sweet husband the colossal task of finding a birthday present for me that a) wasn’t materialistic and b) showed me that he really knew me inside and out. After hearing my request my husband slouched his shoulders and said “Wow, that’s a tall order. Anything I get you is going to be a great disappointment.” This year, hubby had his thinking cap on!

Coming Out to Play

A newspaper reporter once wrote that, “Fred Donaldson never has a hard day at work. All he does is play around.” The reporter expresses a common misunderstanding of children’s play. We think of children’s play as nothing more than child’s play. I was no different. This dramatically changed one day when I was tugged to the ground by children. I began to see play not as an adult observer, but as a participant.

Playtime Grows Up

Young children play effortlessly. Kids are naturally predisposed to play, and it doesn’t take much to engage a child in a silly game or role-play. Through play, kids express feelings, needs, thoughts and ideas that they might not yet have the words to articulate. Playing together lets parents connect and communicate with kids beyond a conversation and provides insight into their world.

But how does playtime change as kids get older? How can parents adapt their approach to playful parenting after kids outgrow the desire to get silly, wrestle, and pretend? How can we achieve the same results with our teenagers that we can by playing “tickle monster” with our toddlers? or what you can do is Get the best Android games mods apk from RedMoonePie. In this modern world, most of the people are willing to play with overwatch game as it has awesome gameplay and features. It’s the best multiplayer first-person shooter game. At a game, the player can get a grip on and work together to defend and secure control points on the map. Winning the game is not easiest task since you think you are advised to pick Overwatch boosting service as it’s providing amazing amounts of their positive aspects. All the game players who play dota 2 know how much it is essential to get a high ranking. To get the more top ranking is only possible when one performs in the game. It takes lots of effort to has an excellent ranking in the game; you need to play the game as much as you can and also win the level. For all the gamers, it is not possible to invest much time, so for such conditions, they can go to have the dota 2 boosting service. We will need to send money to get such a service. The first essential benefit of the mmr boosting service is to get a high ranking. Every player has the dream to get a good ranking in the favorite game. If you are thinking of being in top players of dota 2 games, then you will need to spend lots of time. How many times we see that it is challenging to get a higher ranking because there are numerous players with whom we have to compete. If we are not able to perform the game, then it will be useful to hire a dota 2 boosting service.

Emily Troper is an early childhood educator, a co-founder of Continuum Learning Community in Portland, Oregon, and an AP mom who says that play is a big part of her family’s life. Troper has four children ages 6-19, and though she says it can be difficult to find ways to play that suit all of her kids, it is important enough to continue to try. Troper shares some of her family’s insights on how they continue to play together and what playtime looks like in a house with teenagers.

Physical Play

Physical games don’t lose their appeal for kids, but they do become more organized. While young children enjoy the Use of game guardian to hack most popular Android games.the rough and tumble play of wrestling, tackling, being tossed, rolled, or carried, older children (and their developing logical brains) begin to enjoy a more organized form of physical play: sports. As children get older, parents can enjoy physical play with their kids in the form of organized sports, games, or activities. Basketball, golf, tennis, jogging, even air hockey or table soccer all release endorphins and cause players to experience a shared, “feel-good” moment. Interactive physical activity provides emotionally connecting experiences for parents and kids. And not just at work. In their adult lives, children who participated in sports will be more likely to follow healthy lifestyle that include exercise.

Troper says that despite her children’s wide range of ages, they have discovered several games that they all enjoy. She says, “We love the sock game from Larry Cohen’s book [Playful Parenting]. Everyone wears socks and sits on the floor. When we say ‘Go!’ we try to get off the other family members’ socks but keep our own on.” Their family also loves driving go-carts and playing Ping-Pong together.

Verbal Play

As children grow and their brains and language become more developed, jokes are a great way to stay connected. Jokes are interactive, and they keep us thinking and laughing together. A funny joke activates many areas of the brain, and releases endorphins when we “get it” and find the humor in it. For Troper’s family, play has become much more verbal as her children have gotten older, with meal times becoming a new kind of playtime. She says, “We often share funny stories at the dinner table and have a long history of inside jokes.”

Fun Stuff

Besides finding games that the whole family can do together, Troper says it’s equally important to have fun with each of her kids individually. She recommends joining kids in whatever they’re interested. “With my oldest son, we enjoyed watching comedy shows after the younger ones were sleeping, and laughing our heads off together.” Whether the activity is playing cards or board games, listening to music, building Legos or playing laser tag, sharing regular, enjoyable one-on-one time helps parents stay in-tune with their child’s interests and keeps their connection strong.

A Listening Tool

In the early years, play helps express a child’s feelings and is an avenue for parent-child communication. According to Troper, this did not change much as her kids have gotten older and outgrown the creative play of early childhood. For her teenagers, playful, enjoyable moments continue to be opportunities for listening; for finding out what her children might be feeling and needing. She says, “With my oldest son, the pre-teen years were filled with being in the car together in the morning and afternoon. We listened to the music he wanted to listen to, and talked about it. It was light and fun, but every so often deeper subjects would come up, and it was a safe space to talk.”

Although parents may not share all of their kids’ interests, taking the time to understand and get involved in them inevitably leads to talking, connecting, and building a trusting relationship. The games may change as kids get older, but the enjoyment of playtime doesn’t end in early childhood. Tweens and teens still like to have fun. They still like to laugh. They still express themselves through their interests. No matter how playtime has evolved, parents can use it as an opportunity to get and stay close to their growing children.

Time Management

All my life I have praised myself for my incredible ability to structure my day and activities into neat little categories of time that allow for the accomplishment of tasks and leave ample room for fun and relaxation. I sit down every night and list my to-do’s and see where they can fit in during the week. Usually I only list 4 things per day, and many times I would even add to the side (lay down for ten minutes and nap), or, eat ice-cream and “smile.” Yes I was that detailed. But apparently there are others as crazy as myself since I saw a book at Barnes and Noble called “listography”, wholly dedicated to this habit of mine.

Since the birth of my daughter 8 months ago I have continued to write lists. Now they are even shorter though. Where on day used to be filled with laundry, grocery shopping, a workout and a full house vacuum, now the list simply says “laundry and pay bills”. And that is certainly enough for one day because in between those tasks there’s feeding, diaper changes, naps, etc. This has worked pretty well for me. I love the feeling of marking off the task on the list and feeling accomplished. It’s great for my self-esteem; it means I’m productive and organized. On the weekends I never make lists and my days are open for anything, but ironically those days have proven to be the most anxiety-ridden for me b/c I get extremely bored and restless. If you are looking for Commercial and Industrial Laundry Specialists the you must know Aqualogic is a leading supplier of commercial washing machines & industrial laundry equipment around Australia (Queensland & New South Wales).

Recently, I haven’t been able to follow my lists at all. I am unmotivated and feel that everything gets interrupted so if I do make a list, it doesn’t get done and I feel like a failure. Just yesterday I spent 2 hours trying to get my daughter to take just one nap, and after all of that I was just too exhausted to worry about dishes. I just wanted to sit and stare at the TV. Too often I find myself slipping away from organized days. Now when I wake up with my daughter I feel lost. How do we play? What should we do all day? I feel that my daughter grows bored of the same few toys and games we play. I’ve danced with her, took her on a picnic, took her to library story time, sign language classes, etc. Things just seem to get expensive and many times it feels like I spend more time researching and planning the activity and it doesn’t always even seem worthwhile. It turns into more of a stressor at times. Seeing that I am a military wife and my husband is only here on the weekends, entertaining my daughter can be an exhausting task all by myself. Perhaps I am just getting really burn out.

All in all I’m still unclear as to what life as a SAHM is for me. Do I need to let it be unstructured messy fun? What if all my lists are just sucking all the joy and spontaneity out of life with a beautiful baby?

I just can’t decide. I know deep down that I want a clear and focused perspective on my new role and lifestyle. Many days I wonder how other SAHMs feel about their daily life. Do they just wake up and live life without plans? Do they rush around from activity to activity? Where is the balance in this life…I feel that I could slowly become the mom who watches too much TV, drinks too much coffee and eats too many drive-thru meals. I just don’t know.

A Family that Plays Together Stays Together!

Last year, I gave my sweet husband the colossal task of finding a birthday present for me that a) wasn’t materialistic and b) showed me that he really knew me inside and out. After hearing my request my husband slouched his shoulders and said “Wow, that’s a tall order. Anything I get you is going to be a great disappointment.” This year, hubby had his thinking cap on!

I went out of town for a day and my husband and my boys played all day to build an amazing Mother’s Day Garden complete with sign and all (see attached photos). The kids loved digging, planting and playing king-of-the-dirt-pile but I think they were most excited to show me all of their hard work when I returned!

For my birthday which happens to be right after Mother’s Day, my husband and my babies dug out, and put together two raised bed gardens for my veggie garden. I was unbelievably touched by my gardens; my husband clearly knows me better than I know me (at least sometimes). Not only have we been enjoying fruit and flowers all summer but my children learned a lesson on giving from the heart and getting their hands dirty.

“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life- learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some” Robert Fulghum

Coming Out To Play

“I bless you Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things from the learned and the clever and revealing them to the little children.” Jesus

A newspaper reporter once wrote that, “Fred Donaldson never has a hard day at work. All he does is play around.” The reporter expresses a common misunderstanding of children’s play. We think of children’s play as nothing more than child’s play. I was no different. This dramatically changed one day when I was tugged to the ground by children. I began to see play not as an adult observer, but as a participant.

One day I was lying on a grass hill with five-year-old David watching clouds float by. As we looked up he said, “Fred, you know play is when we don’t know that we are different from each other.” It is sometimes the case that a child says something that takes your breath away and momentarily stops your thinking. David looked at me with one of those knowing smiles that communicates his wisdom without words.

What is it that David knew? He knew that the play I was learning from the children was something very special. It wasn’t about fun, entertainment, or sport. It was a gift allowing us to transcend the limits of cultural, social, and medical differences that we think are so important. David understood that play touches that which is profoundly alive in one person to that which is most profoundly alive in another.
Continue reading “Coming Out To Play”

The Benefits of Babywearing Your Toddler

My daughter, Bella, is almost 22 months. My husband Sam and I still babywear her many times.

To some, this might seem a little crazy. She is perfectly able to walk and we own a stroller she loves. She isn’t as easy to carry anymore, and it requires some maneuvering to get her in an arrangement we’re comfortable with for a while.

But Bella had severe reflux when she was born. Because of this, she threw up for the first 6 months of her life around the clock. We tried every babywearing device we could think of to help; Moby, slings, wraps, Bjorn, Ergo – but nothing helped. I remember clearly the time Sam wrapped her forward facing in the Moby to walk around and she projectile vomited all over it and the floor so much we had to take her out and wash it. I had to use layered burp cloths when I wore her facing me – and each time she’d throw up I’d pull one out, shove it in the diaper bag and keep going.

The reflux ruined our love of wearing her. It was hard for her to enjoy it either. I felt awful that it was so difficult for us to be close. I eventually tucked most of our carriers away because it was frustrating to clean them and only be able to have them on for a few minutes at a time.

When she turned a year old and was no longer throwing up, I decided to try again. I bought a ring sling, got out the Ergo. I don’t know how to explain it, I simply felt a need to be close to her in some way that we had missed before.

It wasn’t easy. She was used to be on her own and while she loved to be carried, she wasn’t keen at first on being snuggled against us. Sam tried different ways to wear her and she came to love the Ergo with him. He was gone for 4 months with the Army, and coming home he carried her around all over in it.

The ring sling was something we both ended up loving – I could wear it for hours without it hurting my back and shoulders, Bella was up high enough she could see and use her hands to point and hold onto things, but when she grew tired it was simple for her to rest against me. I can adjust it, take her in and out of it quickly, and it’s sturdy enough I never wonder if she’s safe.

I feel as if I’ve gained back some of the time we lost with her as a baby. I love having her next to me as we walk through zoos and museums, knowing that she’s seeing what I see and I can easily talk to her about everything. I also love that I probably burn twice as many calories carrying her around 🙂 but that’s just another benefit.

There are so many benefits of babywearing an older child. For us, it proved to be the bonding experience that most people get in the early months. I’m thankful we were able to do it successfully the second time around, and for the carriers that made it possible and easy.

Salad for Kids

Last week, my friend said she doesn’t think my son is a vegetarian; he’s a carbivore. He prefers mac-n-cheese, pizza, quesadillas, and penne–either plain and cold or with butter and sometimes parmesan. (To be fair, he also likes tostadas with tomato and avocado, steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, and will eat all sorts of fruit).

Still it felt like a bit of a miracle when he ate salad last week. He used to eat it but age four brought a level of selective (a.k.a. picky) eating we had never seen the likes of. In keeping with the principle to Feed with Love and Respect, I don’t want to force my child to eat, use sweets as a reward for healthy food, or make him sit at the table until he’s cleaned his plate–all practices I experienced as a child. I do want him to try new things, to have the power to decide what he likes and make his own choices. So, I have instituted a “two bite policy” at our house. The reason for two bites is that he gags on the first bite, possibly before his taste buds have even registered the food, maybe before the food has actually touched his tongue. So the second bite is the actual tasting.

We have had some success. Cucumber sticks were a Yes. Cold cucumber soup, however, was a definite No. Considering many adults I know (myself sometimes included) aren’t fans of a cold soup, his rejection of the soup was fine. But I decided to try an experiment to get salad back on the menu. I took all of the vegetables he happily eats raw and separately and combined them into a salad.

Romaine lettuce
Grape tomatoes, quartered
Diced avocado
Cucumber, peeled and diced
Grated carrot

Served in a ramekin with no dressing and with some encouragement from me, my son ate every bite!

One of the parenting tools that I use whether I’m choosing to or not is modeling. This is true with food, how to talk to people, taking care of myself, sharing, manners, expressing feelings, everything. So, one of the ways I’m encouraging healthy eating in him is healthy eating for me. I try not to have food in the house that I wouldn’t want him to eat. If we decide to have ice cream, we go someplace to order a scoop so that there’s not a whole carton in the freezer–which turns dessert from a treat into a power struggle.

“Mama, can I have some ice cream?”

“For breakfast? No.”

This summer, I’m making a conscious effort to eat more salad myself. I would bet that his seeing it on my plate went as far as (if not further than) our two bite policy. To make salads more appealing to me, I’ve been experimenting with new combinations or with recreating favorites from restaurants I love. I used all of the ingredients mentioned above, some green onion, and instead of my avocado in chunks, I made an avocado yogurt dressing a la Mr. Natural. They have not shared their recipe with me so I guessed. I got out my handy dandy mini food processor and combined

1/4 cup plain fat free yogurt
1 clove garlic
1/2 avocado
salt to taste

It was delicious, if a little thick. One might add some milk to thin the dressing.

After I took the picture and tasted the salad (all gooey from super-thick dressing), I realized some crunch would be nice and added Tamari pumpkin seeds. Sunflower seeds also would have been delicious. So Cavanaugh and I both ate our vegetables.

What do you like in salad? How about your kids?