Editor’s Pick – Page 4

Editor’s pick: To promote breastfeeding is to promote Attachment Parenting

This week’s article is a new breastfeeding report published Jan. 28 in The Lancet.

This medical journal feature has already received a lot of attention in the media, and rightfully so. According to the report, universal breastfeeding has the potential to save the lives of 823,000 children and 20,000 mothers each year through fewer infections, and protection against obesity, diabetes and cancer. For those who see the world through dollar signs, that’s an annual economic savings of $300 billion — not a minor amount.

But this is nothing new. The Lancet‘s report is just another in a long list of scientific and editorial articles that underscore the overwhelming evidence in favor of breastfeeding, both in terms of public health and economic gains.

Breastfeeding is one of those relatively few social changes that can provide huge benefits for a lot less money than other interventions — just like Attachment Parenting.

Interestingly, as The Lancet reminds us, breastfeeding is one of the few positive health behaviors more common in poor countries than in wealthy nations. In poor countries, most infants are breastfeeding at 1 year. In most high-income countries, less than 20% of infants are still breastfed at 1 year. In the United Kingdom, that rate is less than 1%!

What is evident looking at the breastfeeding rates per geographic region is that culture matters — as does access to formula.

“The reasons why women avoid or stop breastfeeding range from the medical, cultural and psychological to physical discomfort and inconvenience,” according to The Lancet. “These matters are not trivial, and many mothers without support turn to a bottle of formula. Multiplied across populations and involving multinational commercial interests, this situation has catastrophic consequences on breastfeeding rates and the health of subsequent generations.”

Just looking at these statistics from The Lancet, I conclude that a mother in a poor nation is more likely to live in a culture that expects breastfeeding to 1 year or beyond. She is less likely to have access to formula if she has breastfeeding challenges. And she is much more likely to either have knowledgeable breastfeeding support in her social circles or, if the breastfeeding specialist-to-mother ratio is similar to that of a wealthy nation, those breastfeeding supports are not having to compete with rampant cultural influence from formula companies and other cultural breastfeeding hurdles, such as unpaid maternity leave.

I only need to look around, living in the United States and working as a WIC breastfeeding counselor, to know the reality here. Our Western society does not expect breastfeeding for 1 year or beyond. Breastfeeding rates quickly drop off after 6 weeks, when many mothers return to work — including a huge portion of low-income mothers who cannot afford to take off work for even the medically recommended minimum 6 weeks. Breastfeeding longer is seen more as a privilege of those fortunate to be able to stay at home with their children or have flexible jobs. Alternatively, breastfeeding to 1 year — especially beyond 1 year — is viewed as unneeded and perhaps even inappropriate to toddler development.

(Don’t believe it, moms! The research is clear: Breastfeeding continues to provide great benefits to babies and toddlers as long as they breastfeed, even if they are eating solid food well. And where there’s a will, there’s a way: Not in every case, but in most, if you want to continue breastfeeding once you return to work, the laws can make it happen. And if you’re employed by a business or organization not covered by breastfeeding laws, even these small employers are growing more understanding of breastfeeding benefits and family-work balance. Talk to your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor, or other breastfeeding specialist for more information.)

Likewise, a mother here has plenty of access to formula. There are programs to provide formula to those who income-qualify, and for those who do not, formula companies have no qualms about providing free formula in hospital “new baby” bags or sending free samples to your doorstep. After a long night of a seemingly never-satisfied baby on a growth spurt, that formula can start looking more appealing, especially with advertising claiming formula to be just as good as breastfeeding or at least a good alternative.

(When counseling moms, I like to say that it’s good we have formula when its needed, but it’s important to remember that formula is a breastmilk substitute. It is not anywhere the equivalent of breastmilk, especially when combined with the act of breastfeeding. As a mom who had to supplement at times while breastfeeding my first two babies, I’m glad that I had formula when I needed it, but it did not and could not — scientifically nor anecdotally — take the place of breastfeeding. Again, for moms with breastfeeding questions, contact your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor or other breastfeeding specialist. They are a wealth of knowledge and, as moms themselves, have been there, done that. Those growth spurts — at about 7-10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months — can trick even experienced mothers, especially that sneaky 3-week growth spurt…from personal experience!)

And, while breastfeeding support is ever-widening in the United States, there is still more support needed to combat the cultural leanings toward formula. A good start here would be the U.S. fully embracing the WHO Code, which restricts the marketing of formula.

I realize this is a tall order for a capitalist economy. But, as The Lancet reports, it is despite — or perhaps because of — the lack of paid maternity leave in the U.S. that the Affordable Care Act provides protected nursing and pumping breaks and insurance coverage of breast pumps, which The Lancet predicts could increase breastfeeding rates by 25%.

Little by little, with every completed nursing session — as moms work through both the innate challenges of getting a good latch, establishing an abundant milk supply and any other technicalities of breastfeeding as well as the cultural challenges of returning to work, striving toward that 1-year breastfeeding goal and not giving in to the temptation of formula — breastfeeding rates will continue to climb.

And with every mom-and-baby pair that successfully works through breastfeeding challenges and reaches their goals, Attachment Parenting is getting that much more of a foothold in our culture. Successful breastfeeding embodies a mother-child relationship built on the framework of a secure attachment. Breastfeeding is the ultimate teacher in what a secure attachment relationship looks like — the give and take of a healthy relationship — to a new mother. To promote breastfeeding, which is included in Attachment Parenting International‘s Second Principle of Parenting: Feed with Love and Respect, is to promote Attachment Parenting.

** Photo source: FreeImages.com/agastecheg

Editor’s pick: The heart of Baby Courts is attachment

Beginning this week, Attachment Parenting International (API) will be publishing weekly Editor’s Pick posts — through which we’ll be highlighting an article or blog post that takes a look at attachment science as it increasingly becomes commonplace in our society.

This week’s article, “Judges Are Using Brain Science to Help Babies Caught in the Court System,” written by health journalist Ada Calhoun and published on Quartz, is a must-read article for any parent or professional involved in family court.

Every parent is doing the very best they can, at any given moment, based on the knowledge and resources they have on hand as well as the inner emotional work they’ve done to prepare themselves for raising their child.

I truly believe this, and apparently so do professionals involved with “baby courts” — a revolution of sorts that’s been happening in the U.S. family court system aimed at reducing trauma among children ages 0-3 removed from their parents due to neglect and abuse.

At the helm of this baby courts movement that empowers parents — rather than puts up seemingly impossible conditions for parents to meet — to regain custody of their child, is Judge Cindy S. Lederman who first put the baby courts concept into practice in 2005 in her Juvenile Court of Miami-Dade County, Florida, USA.

There are now more than 30 baby courts across the United States.

The heart of baby courts is attachment. Baby courts work off Attachment Theory, child brain development and ACE science. Through high-tech brain imaging and research showing direct links between child trauma and poor physical, mental and social health in adulthood, attachment is increasingly validated as more than an “optional” approach to parenting — rather, a necessity to healthy child development.

“Toxic stress in childhood can make it hard for people to attach throughout life — and, some argue, to become good parents themselves later on,” Calhoun reports. “That cycle can keep the same families in the system generation after generation.”

Traditional family court still has the goal of bringing parents and children back together, but it’s hands-off approach more often than not fails to provide them the services needed to do this. For example, a judge may order parents to drug treatment, anger management classes or a parenting course. But most parents charged with abuse and neglect live in poverty, and there are a lot of challenges that go along with this, from jobs that don’t pay for time off and lack of money for transportation to difficulty with time management and other executive thinking functions that are common among at-risk populations. Yet, failing to comply with a judge’s orders means losing custody of their child.

“No parent wants to hurt or neglect their child. Even the ones who do it don’t want to,” said mental health consultant Brooke Allman Bubbico, as quoted by Calhoun.

Plus, traditional family court decisions rely on infrequent contact with a family and often incomplete information aided by lawyers who may withhold or manipulate information to protect their clients.

“All of this makes for a fraught process for children in the court system,” Calhoun reports. “Children can be reunited with their parents only to be taken away from them again, creating instability that produces even more trauma.”

Baby courts look at children and their parents as a unit, and works with teams of experts that come alongside both the child and the parents with the goal of uniting the family with better parenting skills and resources, a healthier emotional development atmosphere for children, and intact attachment.

As Calhoun reports, baby courts appear to be making a big difference in the lives of involved families. At one baby court, only .5% of the children had a maltreatment report in the following 6 months. Another baby court reported that 75% of its children were able to return to their parents, well above the national average of 50%. A therapist group reported that 60% of the young children who were referred through baby courts were able to leave special education classes within 5 years. A 2012 paper found that children served by baby courts ended up in a permanent home within an average of 1 year, twice as fast as children served by traditional family court.

And even if a baby court does eventually terminate parental rights, it orders therapy for the parents and the child to heal the relationship.

At the root of baby courts’ success and effectiveness are judges informed by the latest research in attachment and attachment trauma who then guide the lawyers, therapists, court coordinators and child representatives toward the goal of keeping the child safe and bringing the family together again.

In many ways, Judge Lederman sounds like a coach, trying to help parents understand how their children feels when they miss a scheduled visit or asking what they learned in parenting classes, not just that they attended.

“I’m not an umpire, just calling balls and strikes. I’m more like an orchestra conductor,” Judge Lederman said, as quoted by Calhoun.

This attachment-centered approach to family court is huge. There is no other way to put it.

Many believe that the family courts system has long been well behind the times when it comes to considering family attachment and especially the emotional needs of young children. It is change like what is happening with baby courts that shows society’s increasing awareness of and confidence in attachment science.

The #1 support call received by API is parents seeking resources regarding child custody and keeping attachment intact, while going through divorce and separation. I am hopeful for a day when the concept of baby courts trickles down to divorce and child custody decisions, and now believe that day will come sooner than later.

*Photo source: FreeImages.com/Jason Morrison

Editor’s pick: Top 10 of 2015

Last year was a big year, editorially, for Attachment Parenting International (API). There were so many amazingly supportive and educational online magazine features and blog posts!

Of the hundreds of articles published by API last year, here is the content that makes it into the top 10 of 2015, based on consistency with API’s ethos and mission and originality in how the material is presented:

“Dynamic of disappearing dads“ answers the question of why some new fathers pull away when their baby is born, and what couples can do to prevent that.
“Historical trauma, breastfeeding and healing“ looks at relationship challenges among Native American parents in light of historical trauma and how breastfeeding can be the antidote.
“Creative learning“ gives ideas on how parents, and teachers, can build creativity into their homes or classrooms to enhance learning.
“Parenting without punishment in a punishing world“ explains how parents who use punishments with their children, but want to learn positive discipline, can overcome what may seem like a steep learning curve.
“Smartphones and parenting“ warns parents about how smartphones can hijack our attachment systems that are biologically meant for the parent-child relationship.
“Expecting your first baby? Talk about parenting now, before baby arrives“ emphasizes that the time to talk about parenting expectations is before baby is born.
“The Artist’s Way for parents“ gives ideas for parents to use creativity to unlock their problem-solving skills in order to better relate and guide their children.
“Talking to our children about world tragedies“ cautions parents about indiscriminately discussing harsh realities of our world, from disasters to violence to famine to disease, with our children.
“Motherhood is a gift“ compassionately explains Mother’s Day from both the adoptive mother’s perspective and that of the birth mother.
“Going back to work, but not the way I expected“ details the parenting and professional journey of a mother who chose parental presence over a quick return to work.

As a bonus, here are 5 more articles I feel deserve honorable mention:

“Conscious living” finds the intersection between parenting and the wellness movement.
“Going roadtripping with the kids” gives ideas of vacation activities to strengthen secure family bonds.
“Attachment Parenting makes for easy sibling relationships” shares how Attachment Parenting can lay a foundation for secure sibling attachments.
“A mother’s love story” shares how Attachment Parenting not only healed a mother of her emotional childhood wounds but also gave her own mother the space to heal hers
“ACEs too high” defines ACEs and why they matter to you.

A look back: Highlights of 2015

2015 was a full year! Attachment Parenting International (API) received hundreds of submissions for its publications from parents and professionals around the world, which were in turn read by the tens of thousands of parents in the global API community and shared among their networks beyond API. That’s a lot of families receiving support in Attachment Parenting (AP)!

Let’s take a look back at 2015 through the highlights of API’s content on APtly Said and The Attached Family:

January

“Co-parenting Basics” — API Leader and mother of 2, Lisa Feiertag of the USA explains co-parenting in shared custody, and how this looks when paired with Attachment Parenting. Lisa, and April C, go on to share their personal stories of how co-parenting has worked for their families. Also featured in The Attached Family‘s “Parenting Creatively” issue:

API Leader and mother of 2, Jamie Birdsong of New York, USA, gives tips of how she and her children were able to keep attachment in mind while taking a 2-week, cross-country road trip.
Art college professor and mother of 2, Carolina Blatt-Gross of Georgia, USA, offers ideas on how to enhance learning both at home and in the classroom.
Psychologist Daria Brezinski of Virginia, USA, offers considerations in choosing toys regarding child development.
API Leader and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, defines creativity.

“The Dark Side of Favorites” — Life coach and mother of 1, Miriam Katz of Massachusetts, USA, encourages parents to not pressure their children into choosing a favorite of anything:

“Suddenly my child, who’d embraced her surroundings with the wonder we all aspire to, had somehow become jaded. For her world had categories. And these categories not only elevated some things — the effect we’d anticipated — but they also made others worse.”

“Parent-child Conflict Resolution” — Actress and mother of 1, Elisa Llamido of Florida, USA, shares her conversation with her son after he witnessed another mother not using positive discipline with her child:

“I realized that to Jason, and the other little witness, this scene made absolutely no sense. They put themselves in the other boy’s shoes and couldn’t see any reason why the person who was supposed to love and care for him suddenly turned mean.”

“A Nod to My Husband” — Mother of 2, Katelynne Eid of Connecticut, USA, gives a tribute to her husband:

“Because of him, they will have a childhood filled with snowball fights and dance parties, board games and movie nights. But more importantly, they will have a childhood filled with unconditional love and secureity, a childhood that teaches them that all their dreams can become realities.”

“Parents Need to Be the Compass Point” — AP educator, mother of 6 and grandmother of 14, Shoshana Hayman of Israel argues cultural assumptions about raising teens:

“We need to nurture this connection and make it easy for our teenagers to continue orienting to us, as they navigate the experiences in their lives that are often characterized by high drama, social confusion and immature perspective.”

February

“Loving One Another in Anger” — API Leader and mother of 2, Leyani Redditi of Georgia, USA, shared how she worked through a moment of frustration with her children:

“This is my chance to change the cycle. This is my chance to do it differently. If I really believe that how I deal with conflict helps my children learn to deal with conflict, then this moment is important.”

“Was Attachment Parenting Worth It?” — API Board of Directors member and mother of 3, Camille North of Texas, USA, reflects back on her parenting journey:

“So here we are looking at the beginning of an end: The beginning of his adulthood, as a strong, confident, self-assured man. And the end of the difficulties of a childhood with a rough start, a complicated middle and a promising finish. I stare at the back of his head, with his ginger hair, and he speaks to me in his dad’s voice, ‘Mom, do you think this is good enough?’ Oh yeah, I do.”

“Someday You Will Miss This” — API Leader and mother of 3, Kelly Shealer of Maryland, USA, focuses on reframing a sleepless night with her baby into a fond memory to reflect back on:

“I really feel like I can’t handle this much longer. I just want to sleep. Then suddenly a thought pops into my mind: ‘Someday you will miss this.’ I know that it’s true. I won’t miss this feeling of being so, so tired, but I will miss having this sweet, warm baby who loves me more than anything. I try to remember that.”

“Writing for Balance” — Mother of 2, Lisa Lord of Ireland explains how she uses writing to strive for life balance while also unlocking problem-solving skills to parenting challenges. Also included in The Attached Family‘s “Inspired Parents” issue online:

Author and creativity instructor, Julia Cameron gives guidance in untapping creativity in parenting through habits of optimism and gratitude found in creative pursuits and other enjoyable activities.
Author and mother of 1, New Zealand-born Jessica Talbot of Argentina describes how Attachment Parenting healed her emotional childhood wounds and shares an excerpt from her book, Picaflor, detailing that journey.
AP educator, mother of 1 and grandmother of 2, Maureen McCarthy of Indiana, USA, shares her journey from parent to parent educator to the founder of a nonprofit AP organization.

March

“Saying ‘No’ the Attachment Parenting Way” — API Leader and mother of 1, Stephanie Petters of Georgia, USA, reminds herself that parents have a right to say “no” to their children, just as children have the right to feel unhappy about that:

“As the parent, our job is to allow them these emotions while setting limits.”

“I’m Screaming at the Top of My Voice! Can You Hear Me?” — Babywearing specialist and mother of 2, Sandy Gordon Frankfort shares about the gift of Attachment Parenting:

“If only we each had this gift from another, I truly believe, things would be different. We would be different. We wouldn’t be desperately longing for the kind of connection to nurture our soul in ways that only one where someone truly hears us, provides.”

April

“15 Years” — API Leader and single, adoptive mother of 5, Alissa Tschetter-Siedschlaw of Iowa, USA, reflects on her last 15 years as a volunteer in supporting local families:

“My parenting was evolving, and I longed for a group where I could speak more openly and find honest and straightforward, yet gentle and kind friends, while offering the same to others. I wanted us to be the kind of people you trust around your children, because you know we believe in nurturing and validating each other and we want the best for all of our kids collectively.”

“Maintaining Connection Through Long Separations” — API Leader and mother of 3, Elizabeth Pavlinsky of the USA shares tips for families to stay connected when a parent for military training or deployment:

“Use fun, versatile counting games to provide a visual tool that demonstrates the passing of time for younger children. This can be as simple as a calendar. Children can cross out the days as they pass. Another idea is that before the separation, the whole family can build a paper chain with one link for each day the family is apart. The person going away could write messages on some or all of the paper links as surprises for the family.”

“Nurturing Touch Restores Security in Adoptive Families” — Mother of 2, Sarah Kuc of the USA shares how nurturing touch is a crucial part of her relationship with her adopted sons:

“When words are difficult, as is the case with newborns and young children, nurturing touch transcends language while still communicating security and love.”

May

“Get Inspired with This Fun Children’s Mindfulness Exercise” — Clinical psychologist, mindfulness instructor, children’s yoga instructor, Inga Bohnekamp of Canada introduces parents to a simple mindfulness activity to do with their children during Screen-Free Week:

“Let this be a flowing process. Get creative and have fun. You don’t need to come up with a pre-drafted elaborate choreography before you present this activity to your kids. Rather, have the whole family be part of the process: inventing, creating, trying out, inspiring and surprising each other as you go.”

“Kangaroo Care for Every Baby” — NuRoo details the benefits, history and how-to’s to safely do Kangaroo Care with your baby — whether full-term, preterm or in the NICU:

“The doctors witnessed a grandmother in a remote village holding her grandchild, under layers of clothing and wraps, tucked between her breasts on her bare skin. They commented that it was like a kangaroo carrying her joey in a pouch. They were shocked to find the babies in this village thriving! Returning back to work, they implemented what they saw at the hospital. This became an ‘ah-ha’ moment for the rest of the world.”

“Messy Motherhood” — Mother of 1, Jillian Amodio of the USA thanks her mother for teaching her that a happy home is sometimes a little messy. Also included in the “Inspired Mothers” special celebration on APtly Said:

API Leader and mother of 2, Leyani Redditi of Georgia, USA, shares a tribute to her children for shaping her into a mother she’s proud of.
API Leader and mother of 1, Alexis Schrader of California, USA, shares how giving her daughter presence helps her process her mixed emotions surrounding her toddler’s budding independence.
API Leader and co-parenting mother of 2, Lisa Feiertag of the USA shares how Attachment Parenting not only helped to heal her childhood emotional wounds but also gave her own mother the space and tools to heal hers as well.
API Leader and mother of 3, Kelly Shealer of Maryland, USA, shares how motherhood gives her a sense of balance, more so than always getting the dishes washed.
Mother of 2, Katelynne Eide of Connecticut, USA, encourages all mothers to support one another.
Adoptive mother of 2, Sarah Kuc of the USA thanks her sons’ birth mothers for granting her the gift of motherhood.

“It’s Alright That You Need Me” — Mother of 1, Yvette Lamb of the UK shares a letter she wrote to her baby, assuring her that needing is natural and good:

“I want to remind everybody that these are qualities, not inadequacies. These natural urges ensure protection, security, safety. They are a big part of love and trust. You trust me enough to depend on me, to allow me to see your need. It is alright to need people. It is alright to rely on them.”

“Screentime Can Be Family Time” — API Leader and mother of 1, Candice Garrison of Tennessee, USA, explains what to keep in mind when it comes to parenting and screentime:

“I think the most important part of technology use is finding balance — and not falling into the trap of using screens as a distraction when our little ones are seeking, or in need of, connection.”

June

“Making a Difference a Leader at a Time” — API announces the Reedy Hickey Scholarship Fund to support API Leaders and Leader Applicants:

“Reedy is an inspiration to us all as a tireless advocate for Attachment Parenting, and we are privileged to be able to honor her in this lasting way.”

“How Secure Sibling Attachments Happen” — API Leader, positive discipline educator and mother of 2, Kelly Bartlett of Oregon, USA, explains the 6 stages of attachment as they apply to siblings. Also included in The Attached Family‘s “Attached Siblings” issue online:

API Leader and co-parenting mother of 2, Lisa Feiertag shares how Attachment Parenting makes for easy sibling relationships in her family.
Adoption specialist Robert Allan Hafertz of Pennsylvania, USA, describes how to create a secure attachment in the adopted child.
AP educator, author of the new book, Parenting with Patience, and mother of 5, Judy Arnall of Canada shares her personal parenting journey from spanking to positive discipline and how other parents can make the transition, too.

“Expecting Your First Baby? Talk About Parenting Now, Before Baby Arrives” — API Leader, marriage and family therapist, and mother of 3, Patricia Mackie of Illinois, USA, explains how new parents can prepare their marriage for life with a baby:

“There is a never a better time to get to know your partner or spouse on a deeper level than when you are expecting a child. In every family are 2 very separate adults, each with different upbringings, different world views and different experiences. The time and energy you have for intimate conversations now may be missing for years once the baby is born. Before baby comes is the time when you can think clearly and begin to look at some of your childhood wounds, identify areas that may be difficult as you raise your own children, share your insights with your partner and become a team as you enter the uncharted waters of parenthood.”

“This Father’s Day: Dads, Talk About Being a Father” — API Leader and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, looks at the cultural view of attached, involved fathering and urges fathers to speak out about their changing roles in the family:

“Talk about being a father. Talk about what it means to you to be attached to your children, to be involved in their lives, to be present in their moments. Dads, talk about Attachment Parenting and why it matters to you, as a father, to raise your children with a secure attachment. Start advocating for your role in the family.”

July

“The Sunrise of Balance” –API Leader and mother, Kendrah Nilsestuen of Colorado, USA, shares how she followed her son’s lead in regaining balance in her life:

“To this day, years later, I still carry those words with me: “Mama, the sky! It’s so colorful!” — six words encompassing the gentle reminder to move a little slower, appreciate a little more and pause long enough to enjoy the moments of delight our days have to offer us.”

“Bringing Peace to Sibling Rivalry” — AP educator and mother of 2, Naomi Aldort of Washington state, USA, offers an idea of supporting both siblings during a conflict:

“We don’t have to intervene if the children seem to resolved their struggles, and no one is hurt. But we want to prevent setups that tend to bring on rivalry. And we must be turned-in, so when we are needed, we can show up promptly. Once we enter, we must not exacerbate the division but bring connection and empathy.”

August

“Historical Trauma, Breastfeeding and Healing” — API reports on a presentation by Camie Jae Goldhammer, a clinical social worker, lactation consultant and mother of 2 from Washington state, USA, during which she discussed the effect of historical trauma on breastfeeding rates among Native Americans. Also included in APtly Said’s World Breastfeeding Week and Breastfeeding Month celebrations:

API gives a tribute to a young Martha Sears and the late Viola Lennon, one of La Leche League’s seven cofounders and coauthor of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.
Attachment Parenting educator, chiropracter and mother of 1, Linda Folden Palmer of California, USA, provides an excerpt from her new book, Baby Poop, on how breastmilk affects baby’s gut health not only through childhood but long into adulthood.
Mother, Janell Robisch of Virginia, USA, offers support to extended breastfeeding mothers as well as shares her child-led weaning story, excerpted from her book, To Three and Beyond.
Mother of 1, Kate Frederick of New Hampshire, USA, details the costs to employers for not allowing women to breastfeed while also sharing about her experience of writing, and testifying for, state legislation to support working breastfeeding mothers.
API Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, reports on her impressions of a local Big Latch On event.

“He Just Wants to be Held” — Mother of 2, Julinda Adams of Indiana, USA, reflects on how a stranger’s comment in a grocery store helped calm her, as a new mother, and get her in touch with both her baby’s emotional needs and her own instincts:

“The images we see in the media often show a detached form of parenting. Babies only appear when needed for the story line, or even as props. On the screen, they are quiet and require minimal interaction, unless the script calls for something else. When they are not in a scene, they are out of sight and no thought is given to them. So the baby lying quietly until the parents are ready to interact seems normal.”

September

“Smartphones and Parenting” –Teacher and mother, Kim Allsup of Massachusetts, USA, explores the possibility that smartphones are hijacking our attachment instincts:

“It is not that the baby looks like a smartphone, but that our inner experience of ongoing awareness along with bursts of the bonding hormone during connection is similar whether we carry and connect with a baby or a socially connected smartphone.”

“Attachment Grandparenting: What’s Your Role?” — API cofounder, coauthor of Attached at the Heart and mother, Lysa Parker of Tennessee shares her experience about becoming a grandma:

“We, at API, often talk about the ripple effect we can create by the little changes each of us makes in our families and in our communities. I felt such pride for Morgan that her own breastfeeding experience gave her such courage and conviction to help another mother. No doubt the ripple effect continues in other ways.”

“Stay Involved in Your Child’s School Life” — Teacher and single mother of 1, Michelle Calfee of Tennessee, USA, gives ideas of how parents can stay involved with their child’s life at school when not homeschooled:

“Talk to your child about what they are learning in school. Your involvement does not mean you have to understand the content or know how to do the work your child is doing. But you can ask your child what they ware working on in school. When you do this, you are sending your child a message that what they are doing is important to you.”

October

“Balancing Work and Family Takes Creativity, Flexibility and a Village” — API Leader and mother of 1, Megan Bell of Illinois, USA, share her story of how she balances her toddler’s attachment needs with her singing career. Also included in APtly Said’s coverage of AP Month 2015:

Mother of 4, Kelly Johnson of Florida, USA, wrote Daily Tips for parents to focus on parental presence through the month.
Mother of 1, Yvette Lamb of the UK helps us remember that our challenges in providing parental presence in the early years are but moments we will remember fondly and that help shape our child’s perception of what love is.
API cofounder, coauthor of Attached at the Heart, AP educator and mother, Barbara Nicholson of Alabama, USA, explores creative ways that parents balance their family and professional lives in order to give priority to parental leave.
AP educator, API Leader and mother of 2, Tina McRorie of California, USA, shares how prioritizing her children’s attachment needs shaped her career.
API Leader and mother of 3, Rita Brhel of Nebraska, USA, shares her work-at-home story.
API introduces Kim John Payne of Massachusetts, USA, a parent educator and educator consultant, who gave an API Teleseminar on “Simplicity Parenting” — recordings are available for just $9!
API thanks all the partners and sponsors of AP Month 2015 for recognizing that parental presence isn’t a privilege so much as a necessity.
API Leader and mother of 2, Artimesia Yuen of New York City, USA, presents research to help parents and professionals continue discussions in their communities on the importance of parental leave and the incredible value of maximizing parental presence in early childhood.

November

“The Dynamic of Disappearing Dads” — AP educator, author of the book, Why Dads Leave, and mother of 1, Meryn Callander of Australia discusses why fatherhood can be difficult for some men and how their partners can help them navigate the growing family’s changing attachment dynamics. Also included in The Attached Family‘s “Nurturing Peace” issue online:

API Resource Advisory Council member, AP journalist and mother of 1, Lisa Reagan of Virginia, USA, shares her parenting journey as it intersected with the conscious living movement.
Community psychologist and mother, Tamara Brennan of Mexico explains the importance of protecting our children’s minds from the harsh realities of our world, like famine and disasters, and how to talk to our children about tragedies when needed.
Journalist Jane Stevens of California, USA, defines ACEs and how childhood trauma affects lifelong health, emotionally and physically.

“The Root of Bullying is Shame” — Clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary of New York, USA, discusses shame in our society:

“Whenever my daughter exhibits less than desirable behavior, I ask what this is saying about me as a parent. Children are a mirror of our own unresolved issues.”

“I Am a Present Father” — API Leader and father of 2, Thiago Queiroz of Brazil shares about how Attachment Parenting helped him to find his way as a new father:

“AP helped to show me how I could be the father I wanted to be. AP guided me to where I could find my place as an active and conscious father — an attached father. I obviously can’t give birth or breastfeed, but I can foster the secure attachment I want to build with my sons through a whole lot of other actions.”

“Getting Through the Paris Attacks With an Old Neighbor” — API Leader and mother of 1, Alexis Schrader of California, USA, reminds us of children’s TV personality Mr. Fred Rogers’ wisdom:

“Mr. Rogers reminded me of why I chose Attachment Parenting in the first place: to raise empathic children who will be the helpers of this world, because what this world really needs is more people who grew up feeling deeply what Mr. Rogers always told us: ‘I like you just the way you are.'”

“It’s Time to Break Watson’s Legacy in Childrearing Norms” — API cofounders and coauthors of Attached at the Heart, Lysa Parker of Tennessee, USA, and Barbara Nicholson of Alabama, USA, discuss the legacy of Watson’s insensitive childrearing ideas and rallies modern parents to break that influence on their families:

“These culturally accepted forms of discipline — now being recognized by some as ‘normative abuse’ — have been so much a part of our culture that we sometimes don’t think twice about it. We have learned to desensitize ourselves to the actual physical and emotional pain that it causes children. But now that we know better, we must try to do better for our children.”

“The Simple Attitude of Gratitude” — Mother of 2, Effie Morchi of New York City, USA, reflects on her journey in learning, growing and teaching the meaning and significance of gratitude:

“In the face of materialistic abundance, I wish for my kids’ abundance to be of a different kind — abundance of simplicity, love and appreciation. I’m grateful for all the bliss and light my kids bring into my life. And I’m grateful for all the challenges that come with parenthood. When we are grateful for it all, we get to see and appreciate the whole picture — with its dark and the bright colors.”

“Want Your Child to Learn Self-control? First, Teach Self-validation” — Early childhood mental health consultant Denise Durkin of Pennsylvania, USA, explores how to teach self-validation to our children:

“The thing is, we really need to see our child and listen to him (or her). We cannot try to make him fit into an old ideal of how he ‘should’ behave, act or be. We must meet him ‘where he’s at’ and start there. Our goal is that we use and teach skills sets containing ‘ways of thinking and doing’ to support children in being themselves throughout the trajectory of their lives.”

December

“You Never Stop Growing Up” — API Resource Advisory Council member, AP journalist and mother of 1, Lisa Reagan shares what it’s like watching her son getting ready to leave home and move out on his own, after 17 years of Attachment Parenting:

“Because of following the attachment model, I got my needs met to mother him, and there is nothing hanging on now. I did it. I met my needs to be his mother, and I met his needs, and it’s a completed thing now.”

“What’s the Harm in Saying ‘There Are Starving Kids in Africa’ to Get Your Child to Eat His Veggies?” — Community psychologist and mother, Tamara Brennan of Mexico explains what she heard, as a 3 year old, when told to eat her vegetables and be grateful:

“How did it happen that they had no food in their house? Where were their parents? Were they going to die? It was very upsetting to consider their plight, the circumstances of which were beyond my ability to imagine. I did not feel like eating. I can still remember the sense of urgency I felt the next morning.”

“8 Ideas to Holiday Gift-giving to Cultivate More Connection” — API Leader and mother of 2, Emily Van Bogaert of Kentucky, USA, offers tips to reclaim the holiday season for family connection rather than giving in to the pressures of consumerism:

“Giving gifts can feel magical for both the giver and the receiver, and we absolutely can and should share our bounty with one another. But as we give gifts and spread joy, let’s use the occasion to be intentional and celebrate who and what actually matters most to us.”

“And We Said Bye-Bye to Breastfeeding” — Mother to 1, Diya Singh of Oregon, USA, shares her child-led weaning story:

“My 3-1/2-year-old daughter and I said bye-bye to our breastfeeding relationship on a very happy note. Here is how it worked for us.”

*2015 graphic source: Free Images.com/Christian Ferrari

Editor’s Pick: AP Month on “Daily Tips”

“We believe in parents. We believe that every parent deserves free access to complete information about parenting and childhood. It need not be overwhelming, just complete and accurate. And leave the blame behind. …We believe it so strongly that we do what few, if any other organizations, do: We provide free support to all parents.” ~ “API cherishes parents” on AP Month 2014

I hope you’ve enjoyed this year’s AP Month daily tips that have been publishing throughout October. There are still a few days left, and by subscribing, you can get a daily tip emailed directly to your inbox each year during October when a new, timely AP Month theme is observed.

Here are a few of my favorite 2014 daily tips so far, but there are a lot more to be found on AP Month’s website:

From October 4’s “Parenting and child health“:

Parenting is probably the most important public health issue facing our society. It is the single-largest variable implicated in childhood illnesses and accidents; teenage pregnancy, substance misuse; truancy, school disruption and underachievement and vehicle accidents. Teens are more likely to get into a car accident when they are barely learning how to drive. Making sure they are OK in every situation is important, especially when their health is involved. If you child is every in a car accident make sure to get the best medical and legal assistance you can find. For legal services you can visit https://www.edwardspattersonlaw.com/accidents/motorcycle-accident-lawyer/.

Parenting is a buffer against adversity and a mediator of damage. Parenting has three essential components:

Care protects children from harm. Care also encompasses promoting emotional as well as physical health.

Control involves setting and enforcing boundaries to ensure children’s and others’ safety in ever-widening areas of activity.

Development involves optimizing children’s potential and maximizing the opportunities for using it.

How can you increase these components in your family’s life?

From October 5’s “Parenting stress and its effects“:

High parenting stress has been connected with negative consequences for both parent and child. Within the examined age range — 6 months to 3 years — child gender or age did not relate to parenting stress.

Older, less educated and single mothers reported more stress. A higher stress experience was also associated with more care-taking hassles, psycho-social problems, high work load and low social support.

Mothers with high stress reported more depressive mood and were judged to be more unresponsive to their children. They also regarded their children as more temperamentally difficult. Social support was shown to have both a direct and a moderating influence on parenting stress.

What can you do to reduce stress?

From October 7’s “Everyone needs a little help“:

Studies suggest that a parenting style characterized by warmth, inductive reasoning, appropriate monitoring and clear communication fosters a child’s cognitive functioning, social skills, moral development and psychological adjustment.

In contrast, parenting practices involving hostility, rejection and coercion have been shown to increase the probability of negative developmental outcomes such as delinquency, psychopathology, academic failure and substance abuse.

These findings point to the importance of studies concerned with identifying the determinants of parental behavior. This chapter presents our model for integrating theory and research on this topic. The model identifies social support as an important cause of variations in quality of parenting.

How can you reach out and lend a hand to those who need the support?

From October 11’s “Cherishing parents, flourishing children“:

The AP Month theme this year of “Cherishing Parents, Flourishing Children” is intended to bring to a wider audience an awareness of the findings about early life experience and its effects on brain structures and functioning over the long term.

In order to help reverse current negative trends in well-being, we need to foster a widespread understanding of our evolved capacities and the types of brain systems that are a human evolutionary birthright.

API Board of Directors member Darcia Narvaez, PhD, of the University of Notre Dame, has written extensively about the evolved developmental niche for young children, which includes frequent, infant-initiated breastfeeding for two to five years, frequent positive touch, multiple adult responsive caregivers, free play with multi-age playmates and positive social support as well as natural childbirth.

From October 17’s “Who cherishes you?“:

Take five minutes today and instead of going on Facebook, write a list of 10 adults in your life who cherish you. These can be people from your past or present, from all aspects of your life.

Who are your champions? Who makes you laugh? Who do you turn to in times of need? Who remembers the time when you laughed so hard milk came through your nose? Who made you laugh that hard? Who always makes you feel welcome? Who makes you feel loved? Who hugs you when you need it? Who helps you with practical things? Who comes through? Did you count yourself?

“Cherishing Parents, Flourishing Children” is the theme of this year’s AP Month, but put another way , it might also read: “Cherished Parents, Flourishing Children.”

From October 18’s “Cherishing you“:

What if today we all just walked around appreciating parents everywhere and validated the unknown struggles?

What if we all just smiled at each other and offered a knowing, supportive glance?

What if we all just left the “shoulds” at home for the day and embraced the messiness of it all and loved our children and each other anyway?

What if we all found a way to generously support peers who are struggling in a moment?

What if we found a way to accept the help of peers who witnessed our own struggle in a moment?

What if we forgot for a day about how “right” or “wrong” we or others are and just reveled in everything the day brings?

What if we all just did one of these?

What effects might this studious acceptance and camaraderie have on the public health? On parents? On our children?

From October 24’s “Children flourish with API Principles“:

It’s true. The cat’s out of the bag. And, as a bonus, it’s for free.

Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting are really a neat little package of information that contain a significant chunk of the expert knowledge about child flourishing. And you can read it and actually use it without having a PhD in cognitive neuroscience. The really cool thing is that you might already be doing it! Without any expert training!

In fact, the API Principles are super flexible. Some of us already do most of it without even realizing it and that’s great — keep on!

Some of us like to check in with the API Principles when we hit a bump — like new parents, those of children ages 2 and 3 or any developmental stage through the teen years. Some of us check in when conventional wisdom doesn’t jive or work for us. Some of us want to parent our children differently than we were parented and feel like part or whole “renovations” are helpful in one or more area or age of development.

Whenever or however often you come to the API Principles, they’re free, based in science and they’re very often what our heart already nudges us to do anyway.

Parenting confidence in the bag. For free.

And from October 25’s “API cherishes parents“:

Attachment Parenting International (API) works to turn the parenting puzzle around.

We believe in parents. We believe that every parent deserves free access to complete information about parenting and childhood. It need not be overwhelming, just complete and accurate.

And leave the blame behind.

Moreover, we believe that information is not enough. Information oozes from every device and drowns us these days, but API believes that every parent deserves free face-to-face support as they raise their children. It really does take that village, and we think this old/new idea is one of the best ways to cherish parents. We believe it so strongly that we do what few, if any other organizations, do: We provide free support to all parents.

Editor’s Pick: AP Month on “Flourishing Parents”

“Are your children flourishing? Are you flourishing?”~ “Children Flourishing” on AP Month 2014

These are poignant questions, particularly the second one.

I think we, as parents, often ask ourselves whether we feel our children are doing OK. Especially those of us involved in Attachment Parenting (AP) closely monitor this in our children and make adjustments accordingly so that our children can flourish.

But we are less likely to ask ourselves if we are doing OK.

It may be that we assume we are flourishing if our children are. Parenting is so personal, and by our very biology, much of our own self-worth can be tied into how well we feel our children are doing.

It may be that we feel selfish or guilty if we feel that we are not flourishing alongside our children — if we are feeling burnt out, if we feel that our life balance is off.

We may fear that if we take a bit of “me” time that our children will suffer, since they won’t be getting all of our attention.

Because many of us grew up in families that did not practice Attachment Parenting, we are still getting a feel for what a good balance is. Some of us may wish to give our children more attention than we had growing up, and so we may be timid to give ourselves more “me” time because it feels like we may be taking too much.

And it can take a while for parents to feel confident in their parenting approach, so that they are able to feel better about taking “me” time.

Or perhaps your children are at ages or stages that makes it difficult to take “me” time.

There may be another reason why you’re reluctant to make changes so that you feel that you’re flourishing, but balance a critical part of Attachment Parenting. If you’re dealing with burn-out or trying to figure out how to gain more life balance, reading Attachment Parenting International’s Eighth Principle of Parenting: Strive for Personal and Family Balance can give you some ideas to get started on adding more “me” time to your life and start you back on the path of flourishing.

So, how do you know if you and your children are flourishing? Check out the list on AP Month’s “Children Flourishing” post, but here’s one that I think sums it up nicely: “Living on a trajectory of decreasing fear and increasing love in self and others.”

Editor’s Pick: AP Month on “Celebrating Family”

“That’s what Attachment Parenting International is trying to do – to change culture from one that ignores the critical importance of attachment to one that embraces the normality of healthy family relationships, securely attached children and connected communities.” ~ “2014 Conference: Life Giving, Mindful Beginnings” on APtly Said

Having just arrived home from API and Notre Dame University’s 2014 conference in South Bend, Indiana, USA, my head is spinning with all that was shared by researchers and experts in the Attachment Parenting (AP) field.

It was a wonderful way to celebrate API‘s 20th Anniversary with some really special bonus events, like Friday night’s showing of “The Milky Way” film with live Q&A with the lactation consultants who produced the documentary on the U.S. cultural view of breastfeeding support as well as Saturday night’s anniversary celebration reception with Irish music provided by Kennedy’s Kitchen.

I am only sorry that I had to duck out early due to health reasons. But, like many of you, I have been keeping up on the final days of the conference via API’s Facebook page. I would have loved to have been there when George Holden, a psychologist and parenting expert at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, USA, made the comment how “Attachment Parenting International is one of the largest positive parenting organizations in the world.”

For those who were unable to attend the conference — as well as for those who, like me, did attend but were blown away by the amount of really great information — API is planning to release video of the speakers at “Cherishing Parents, Flourishing Children” portion of the conference in a few weeks.

In the mean time, I would like to point you to AP Month. Every year, during the month of October, API and this year’s sponsors — Peter Haiman, Kindred, Ergobaby, Tummy Calm/Colic Calm and Lamaze International — challenge parents to re-examine their daily activities, routines, beliefs, habits and traditions and learn new ways to engage with their children to grow with each other and remain close while promoting opportunities for healthy exploration, individuation and development.

This year’s AP Month, which begins today, centers on the same theme as API’s portion of the 2014 conference: “Cherishing Parents, Flourishing Children.” You can follow along each day of October on 2014 AP Month Calendar.

You can also participate in the 2014 AP Month blogging and photo events, read the research supporting this year’s theme and watch for special activities in other API resources, including here on APtly Said and API’s Facebook page.

Happy Attachment Parenting Month, everyone!

Editor’s Pick: Astrid Lindgren on “Never Violence”

“When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time.

But one day when her son was 4 or 5, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking — the first in his life. And she told him he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with.

The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, ‘Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock you can throw at me.’

All of the sudden, a mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. The mother took the boy onto her lap, and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence.

And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery, one can raise children into violence.” ~ the late Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippi Longstocking

This story isn’t new. A quick search on the Internet will show you that it’s been recounted time and time again. And its a touching story that makes many parents stop and think about how their children might view the world around them.

But what I found most interesting about this story was that when Astrid was 20 years old, it would have been 1927 or 1928. This was a time in which the prevailing child-rearing philosophies very much condoned corporal punishment. And Astrid is speaking about an “old pastor’s wife,” who would’ve lived in a very, very pro-corporal punishment culture back in the 1800s.

So, even back then, “in the olden days,” there were parents who chose to do something different than the cultural norm. That’s inspiring to me.

Looking more into Astrid’s life history, when she was about 20 years old, and was hearing this story first-hand, she would have either been expecting or had recently given birth to her oldest son. At the time, she was a single mother, working as a typist and stenographer for very little pay. She left her son in the care of foster parents during the week while she worked and then traveled home each weekend to see her son. Her early years were far from glamorous as she worked hard to make a life for her and her son.

How that old pastor’s wife must have influenced her views on raising children!

Eventually Astrid was able to afford to raise her son herself. Later, she married, had a daughter, became a journalist and then a full-time author. Her books, including Pippi Longstocking, were inspired by her family and childhood memories.

A well-known author, Astrid was less known for her activism. According to the Swedish Book Review, she advocated for animal rights, protected threatened trees and campaigned against the closure of library branches, but was especially vocal about her views of world peace.

The above story, which was written by Astrid at some point later in her life, was included in a similar way in her 1978 acceptance speech of the German Book Trade Peace Prize. The Swedish Book Review published the speech, written and given by Astrid, in 2007. The title of the speech is “Never Violence,” and directly ties parenting approaches to world peace, such as this snippet:

“Many parents will no doubt be worried by these new trends, and may start to wonder if they have done wrong, if an anti-authoritarian upbringing is reprehensible. But it is only reprehensible if it is misunderstood.

An anti-authoritarian upbringing does not mean that children should be left to drift along and do whatever they please. It does not mean that they should grow up without a set of norms — nor do they want to. Both children and adults need a set of norms as a framework within which to conduct themselves, and children learn more from the example of their parents than from anything else.

Of course children should respect their parents, but make no mistake about it: Adults should also have respect for their children and not misuse the natural advantages they have over them. What one would like to see in all parents and all children is mutual loving respect.” ~ Astrid Lindgren, 1978

Sounds like Attachment Parenting to me.