Rita Brhel – Page 7

Editor’s pick: The 4 parenting styles — and where Attachment Parenting fits in

This week’s pick is an infographic from Mom Junction.

Sometimes parents will refer to Attachment Parenting as a parenting “style.” To be accurate, though, Attachment Parenting International refers to Attachment Parenting as a parenting approach. You may be wondering what the difference is.

It comes down to the scientific definition. Researchers identify 4 parenting styles — broad categories under which are various approaches, or ways of relating to our children. Attachment Parenting is a specific approach that falls under the broader Authoritative parenting style. Read about the 4 parenting styles in this The Attached Family article.

There is some discussion about whether the Authoritative parenting style gives justice in categorizing Attachment Parenting. In question specifically is the non-punishment aspect of positive discipline. Often, other approaches that fall under Authoritative parenting may include logical consequences or other forms of discipline that have a punishment element. Judy Arnall, author of Parenting With Patience, proposes the addition of a 5th parenting style — Collaborative — in this The Attached Family article.

For now, with the current 4 established parenting styles, Attachment Parenting most closely identifies with the Authoritative parenting style, particularly regarding child outcomes.

*Courtesy of: MomJunction

Editor’s pick: To promote breastfeeding is to promote Attachment Parenting

This week’s article is a new breastfeeding report published Jan. 28 in The Lancet.

This medical journal feature has already received a lot of attention in the media, and rightfully so. According to the report, universal breastfeeding has the potential to save the lives of 823,000 children and 20,000 mothers each year through fewer infections, and protection against obesity, diabetes and cancer. For those who see the world through dollar signs, that’s an annual economic savings of $300 billion — not a minor amount.

But this is nothing new. The Lancet‘s report is just another in a long list of scientific and editorial articles that underscore the overwhelming evidence in favor of breastfeeding, both in terms of public health and economic gains.

Breastfeeding is one of those relatively few social changes that can provide huge benefits for a lot less money than other interventions — just like Attachment Parenting.

Interestingly, as The Lancet reminds us, breastfeeding is one of the few positive health behaviors more common in poor countries than in wealthy nations. In poor countries, most infants are breastfeeding at 1 year. In most high-income countries, less than 20% of infants are still breastfed at 1 year. In the United Kingdom, that rate is less than 1%!

What is evident looking at the breastfeeding rates per geographic region is that culture matters — as does access to formula.

“The reasons why women avoid or stop breastfeeding range from the medical, cultural and psychological to physical discomfort and inconvenience,” according to The Lancet. “These matters are not trivial, and many mothers without support turn to a bottle of formula. Multiplied across populations and involving multinational commercial interests, this situation has catastrophic consequences on breastfeeding rates and the health of subsequent generations.”

Just looking at these statistics from The Lancet, I conclude that a mother in a poor nation is more likely to live in a culture that expects breastfeeding to 1 year or beyond. She is less likely to have access to formula if she has breastfeeding challenges. And she is much more likely to either have knowledgeable breastfeeding support in her social circles or, if the breastfeeding specialist-to-mother ratio is similar to that of a wealthy nation, those breastfeeding supports are not having to compete with rampant cultural influence from formula companies and other cultural breastfeeding hurdles, such as unpaid maternity leave.

I only need to look around, living in the United States and working as a WIC breastfeeding counselor, to know the reality here. Our Western society does not expect breastfeeding for 1 year or beyond. Breastfeeding rates quickly drop off after 6 weeks, when many mothers return to work — including a huge portion of low-income mothers who cannot afford to take off work for even the medically recommended minimum 6 weeks. Breastfeeding longer is seen more as a privilege of those fortunate to be able to stay at home with their children or have flexible jobs. Alternatively, breastfeeding to 1 year — especially beyond 1 year — is viewed as unneeded and perhaps even inappropriate to toddler development.

(Don’t believe it, moms! The research is clear: Breastfeeding continues to provide great benefits to babies and toddlers as long as they breastfeed, even if they are eating solid food well. And where there’s a will, there’s a way: Not in every case, but in most, if you want to continue breastfeeding once you return to work, the laws can make it happen. And if you’re employed by a business or organization not covered by breastfeeding laws, even these small employers are growing more understanding of breastfeeding benefits and family-work balance. Talk to your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor, or other breastfeeding specialist for more information.)

Likewise, a mother here has plenty of access to formula. There are programs to provide formula to those who income-qualify, and for those who do not, formula companies have no qualms about providing free formula in hospital “new baby” bags or sending free samples to your doorstep. After a long night of a seemingly never-satisfied baby on a growth spurt, that formula can start looking more appealing, especially with advertising claiming formula to be just as good as breastfeeding or at least a good alternative.

(When counseling moms, I like to say that it’s good we have formula when its needed, but it’s important to remember that formula is a breastmilk substitute. It is not anywhere the equivalent of breastmilk, especially when combined with the act of breastfeeding. As a mom who had to supplement at times while breastfeeding my first two babies, I’m glad that I had formula when I needed it, but it did not and could not — scientifically nor anecdotally — take the place of breastfeeding. Again, for moms with breastfeeding questions, contact your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor or other breastfeeding specialist. They are a wealth of knowledge and, as moms themselves, have been there, done that. Those growth spurts — at about 7-10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months — can trick even experienced mothers, especially that sneaky 3-week growth spurt…from personal experience!)

And, while breastfeeding support is ever-widening in the United States, there is still more support needed to combat the cultural leanings toward formula. A good start here would be the U.S. fully embracing the WHO Code, which restricts the marketing of formula.

I realize this is a tall order for a capitalist economy. But, as The Lancet reports, it is despite — or perhaps because of — the lack of paid maternity leave in the U.S. that the Affordable Care Act provides protected nursing and pumping breaks and insurance coverage of breast pumps, which The Lancet predicts could increase breastfeeding rates by 25%.

Little by little, with every completed nursing session — as moms work through both the innate challenges of getting a good latch, establishing an abundant milk supply and any other technicalities of breastfeeding as well as the cultural challenges of returning to work, striving toward that 1-year breastfeeding goal and not giving in to the temptation of formula — breastfeeding rates will continue to climb.

And with every mom-and-baby pair that successfully works through breastfeeding challenges and reaches their goals, Attachment Parenting is getting that much more of a foothold in our culture. Successful breastfeeding embodies a mother-child relationship built on the framework of a secure attachment. Breastfeeding is the ultimate teacher in what a secure attachment relationship looks like — the give and take of a healthy relationship — to a new mother. To promote breastfeeding, which is included in Attachment Parenting International‘s Second Principle of Parenting: Feed with Love and Respect, is to promote Attachment Parenting.

** Photo source: FreeImages.com/agastecheg

Editor’s pick: The heart of Baby Courts is attachment

Beginning this week, Attachment Parenting International (API) will be publishing weekly Editor’s Pick posts — through which we’ll be highlighting an article or blog post that takes a look at attachment science as it increasingly becomes commonplace in our society.

This week’s article, “Judges Are Using Brain Science to Help Babies Caught in the Court System,” written by health journalist Ada Calhoun and published on Quartz, is a must-read article for any parent or professional involved in family court.

Every parent is doing the very best they can, at any given moment, based on the knowledge and resources they have on hand as well as the inner emotional work they’ve done to prepare themselves for raising their child.

I truly believe this, and apparently so do professionals involved with “baby courts” — a revolution of sorts that’s been happening in the U.S. family court system aimed at reducing trauma among children ages 0-3 removed from their parents due to neglect and abuse.

At the helm of this baby courts movement that empowers parents — rather than puts up seemingly impossible conditions for parents to meet — to regain custody of their child, is Judge Cindy S. Lederman who first put the baby courts concept into practice in 2005 in her Juvenile Court of Miami-Dade County, Florida, USA.

There are now more than 30 baby courts across the United States.

The heart of baby courts is attachment. Baby courts work off Attachment Theory, child brain development and ACE science. Through high-tech brain imaging and research showing direct links between child trauma and poor physical, mental and social health in adulthood, attachment is increasingly validated as more than an “optional” approach to parenting — rather, a necessity to healthy child development.

“Toxic stress in childhood can make it hard for people to attach throughout life — and, some argue, to become good parents themselves later on,” Calhoun reports. “That cycle can keep the same families in the system generation after generation.”

Traditional family court still has the goal of bringing parents and children back together, but it’s hands-off approach more often than not fails to provide them the services needed to do this. For example, a judge may order parents to drug treatment, anger management classes or a parenting course. But most parents charged with abuse and neglect live in poverty, and there are a lot of challenges that go along with this, from jobs that don’t pay for time off and lack of money for transportation to difficulty with time management and other executive thinking functions that are common among at-risk populations. Yet, failing to comply with a judge’s orders means losing custody of their child.

“No parent wants to hurt or neglect their child. Even the ones who do it don’t want to,” said mental health consultant Brooke Allman Bubbico, as quoted by Calhoun.

Plus, traditional family court decisions rely on infrequent contact with a family and often incomplete information aided by lawyers who may withhold or manipulate information to protect their clients.

“All of this makes for a fraught process for children in the court system,” Calhoun reports. “Children can be reunited with their parents only to be taken away from them again, creating instability that produces even more trauma.”

Baby courts look at children and their parents as a unit, and works with teams of experts that come alongside both the child and the parents with the goal of uniting the family with better parenting skills and resources, a healthier emotional development atmosphere for children, and intact attachment.

As Calhoun reports, baby courts appear to be making a big difference in the lives of involved families. At one baby court, only .5% of the children had a maltreatment report in the following 6 months. Another baby court reported that 75% of its children were able to return to their parents, well above the national average of 50%. A therapist group reported that 60% of the young children who were referred through baby courts were able to leave special education classes within 5 years. A 2012 paper found that children served by baby courts ended up in a permanent home within an average of 1 year, twice as fast as children served by traditional family court.

And even if a baby court does eventually terminate parental rights, it orders therapy for the parents and the child to heal the relationship.

At the root of baby courts’ success and effectiveness are judges informed by the latest research in attachment and attachment trauma who then guide the lawyers, therapists, court coordinators and child representatives toward the goal of keeping the child safe and bringing the family together again.

In many ways, Judge Lederman sounds like a coach, trying to help parents understand how their children feels when they miss a scheduled visit or asking what they learned in parenting classes, not just that they attended.

“I’m not an umpire, just calling balls and strikes. I’m more like an orchestra conductor,” Judge Lederman said, as quoted by Calhoun.

This attachment-centered approach to family court is huge. There is no other way to put it.

Many believe that the family courts system has long been well behind the times when it comes to considering family attachment and especially the emotional needs of young children. It is change like what is happening with baby courts that shows society’s increasing awareness of and confidence in attachment science.

The #1 support call received by API is parents seeking resources regarding child custody and keeping attachment intact, while going through divorce and separation. I am hopeful for a day when the concept of baby courts trickles down to divorce and child custody decisions, and now believe that day will come sooner than later.

*Photo source: FreeImages.com/Jason Morrison

Editor’s pick: Top 10 of 2015

Last year was a big year, editorially, for Attachment Parenting International (API). There were so many amazingly supportive and educational online magazine features and blog posts!

Of the hundreds of articles published by API last year, here is the content that makes it into the top 10 of 2015, based on consistency with API’s ethos and mission and originality in how the material is presented:

“Dynamic of disappearing dads“ answers the question of why some new fathers pull away when their baby is born, and what couples can do to prevent that.
“Historical trauma, breastfeeding and healing“ looks at relationship challenges among Native American parents in light of historical trauma and how breastfeeding can be the antidote.
“Creative learning“ gives ideas on how parents, and teachers, can build creativity into their homes or classrooms to enhance learning.
“Parenting without punishment in a punishing world“ explains how parents who use punishments with their children, but want to learn positive discipline, can overcome what may seem like a steep learning curve.
“Smartphones and parenting“ warns parents about how smartphones can hijack our attachment systems that are biologically meant for the parent-child relationship.
“Expecting your first baby? Talk about parenting now, before baby arrives“ emphasizes that the time to talk about parenting expectations is before baby is born.
“The Artist’s Way for parents“ gives ideas for parents to use creativity to unlock their problem-solving skills in order to better relate and guide their children.
“Talking to our children about world tragedies“ cautions parents about indiscriminately discussing harsh realities of our world, from disasters to violence to famine to disease, with our children.
“Motherhood is a gift“ compassionately explains Mother’s Day from both the adoptive mother’s perspective and that of the birth mother.
“Going back to work, but not the way I expected“ details the parenting and professional journey of a mother who chose parental presence over a quick return to work.

As a bonus, here are 5 more articles I feel deserve honorable mention:

“Conscious living” finds the intersection between parenting and the wellness movement.
“Going roadtripping with the kids” gives ideas of vacation activities to strengthen secure family bonds.
“Attachment Parenting makes for easy sibling relationships” shares how Attachment Parenting can lay a foundation for secure sibling attachments.
“A mother’s love story” shares how Attachment Parenting not only healed a mother of her emotional childhood wounds but also gave her own mother the space to heal hers
“ACEs too high” defines ACEs and why they matter to you.

Raising kids with grit…and an interview with Jane Stevens of ACEs Too High

Attachment Parenting International (API) is directly involved in building resilience in communities across the nation and around the world through its local API Support Groups and accredited API Leaders by supporting secure parent-child attachments.

It cannot be emphasized enough how important secure attachments are. To be sure, resilience is something we all want for our children — actually, resilience is something all children need.

This scientific-sounding term, “resilience,” may seem really abstract and difficult to define. Perhaps you’ve heard of resilience by its other names. Synonyms include: grit, hardiness, toughness, adaptability, rebound, perseverance, tenacity.

In the most basic definition, resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. I like to think of it as emotional toughness.

It’s the ability to rebound from frustrations and disappointments, to not get lost in life’s inevitable valleys between the high points, to persevere — all the while staying true to oneself, remaining passionate about life and never giving up hope.

Secure parent-child attachments and resilience-building go hand-in-hand. Positive discipline, coupled with warmth and nurturing, makes for an ideal child-raising atmosphere.

There is no need to expose our children to harsh situations with the misguided intention to raise them with grit. True grit — resilience — is not a mean-spirited or emotionally avoidant individual who has grown up building walls around his or her vulnerability. True grit is the ability to feel all emotions and to know how to manage healthy responses to those emotions, no matter the situation, without feeling a need to avoid or destructively act-out his or her strong emotions.

API helps parents learn how to develop this true grit within their children. API is a resilience-building resource, funded entirely by donations, yet offered free to all parents no matter their income class, life circumstance or location. Evidence-based parenting — like the approach advocated through API — is one of several areas of community-based resilience-building practices.

Jane Stevens, founder of ACEs Too High and the ACEs Connection Network, elaborates on resilience and its opposite — trauma — in this API interview.

API: ACEs are integral to understanding resilience. ACEs basically outline the childhood environments that are more likely to predispose people to grow up without developing a high level of resilience. Jane, what are ACEs?

JANE: ACEs are Adverse Childhood Experiences.

ACEs usually refers to the 10 types of childhood adversity that were measured in the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, emotional neglect, a family member who’s an alcoholic or addicted to other drugs, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, witnessing a mother being abused, a family member in prison, and loss of a parent through separation or divorce.

That doesn’t mean that there are no other types of childhood trauma. There are, of course: living in a war zone, witnessing a sibling being abused, witnessing violence outside the home, and others. It’s just that in the ACE Study, only 10 were measured.

API: Thank you, Jane, for providing this quiz for readers to learn their own ACE score (as well as their own Resilience score).

JANE: Many people who learn about the ACE Study and who calculate their own ACE score say they’re relieved, especially if they have a high ACE score. They say that their life finally makes sense.

They also understand that they’re not bad. They coped as best they could under dire circumstances. And knowing that they’re not bad people opens the opportunity for them to change their lives. It’s quite empowering information.

API: Looking at your website, we can see that higher ACE scores are associated with adult alcoholism, chronic depression, perpetrating domestic violence, smoking, being raped, suicide attempts, teen sex and pregnancy, employee absenteeism and job performance. From your website:

“At the same time that the ACE Study was being done, parallel research on kids’ brains found that toxic stress physically damages a child’s developing brain. …

When children are overloaded with stress hormones, they’re in flight, fright or freeze mode. They can’t learn in school. They often have difficulty trusting adults or developing healthy relationships with peers (i.e., they become loners). To relieve their anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and/or inability to focus, they turn to easily available biochemical solutions like Marijuana, if your son us medicated check out this online dispensary canada for a great variety of strains for medical use.

Using drugs or overeating or engaging in risky behavior leads to consequences as a direct result of this behavior. For example, smoking can lead to COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) or lung cancer. Overeating can lead to obesity and diabetes. In addition, there is increasing research that shows that severe and chronic stress leads to bodily systems producing an inflammatory response that leads to disease.”

This is significant on an individual level, so what does this do to a community?

JANE: Communities whose residents have high ACE scores and few resilience factors are difficult places to live.

Essentially, the community is in a state of constant and chronic traumatic stress. This means that it’s difficult for people to thrive, or to raise children who will thrive.

API: What are your hopes in helping people learn more about ACEs, their own ACE and Resilience scores, and creating a network of resilience-building groups?

JANE: Once people learn about the consequences of ACEs, the effects of toxic stress and that trauma-informed practices and building resilience can create healthy individuals, families, communities and systems, they can never look at a homeless person without seeing an abused child.

They can never look at a young man in juvenile detention without wondering why the schools he attended did not intervene in his journey from the classroom to prison.

They can never look at communities without wondering if they are implementing trauma-informed and resilience-building practices. And if they are not, they begin asking: “How can we start?”

API: It’s wonderful that people like Jane Stevens are working to raise awareness of ACEs and the effect of traumatic childhood stress. In addition, through her ACEs Connection Network, she is working to guide connections between trauma-informed and resilience-building groups to help individuals with high ACE scores find pathways to healing. This is much needed.

API works at the issue of trauma and resilience from another angle — prevention. It’s clear that the key to positively impacting a community is to first address the family, to get to the heart of the matter — the parent-child attachment relationship — in order to both prevent high ACE scores and to help our children develop resilience.

On Jane’s website, she writes about how resilience fits in with ACEs:

“Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.”

This is exactly how children are raised in evidence-based parenting approaches, such as is advocated by API.

Read the entire API interview with Jane Stevens in The Attached Family‘s online “Nurturing Peace” issue.

You never stop growing up: An interview with Lisa Reagan of Kindred Media

Every one of us is on a journey through life, and each of us is at a different point on that journey. Some are at the very beginning: expecting their first baby or in the midst of the newborn months. Others, like me, are somewhere in the middle. I have 3 children, the oldest who is 9 years old. I have gone through the newborn and toddler stages 3 times, and I am enjoying the calm of middle childhood. Still others have teenagers or grown children, grandchildren or even great-grandchildren.

Each parent is constantly learning and growing in their role. At any point in our parenting journeys, we can reflect back on our early days as mothers or fathers and glow in the knowledge of how much we have changed since that…first positive pregnancy test…or our oldest child’s birth…or a seemingly endless night of breastfeeding…or our struggle with learning how to do positive discipline…or the first day of school…or our daughter’s first basketball win using her new sneakers we got her online…or our son’s first crush…or our child’s high school graduation…or our daughter’s wedding…or our son’s first child, by the way if you are looking a car for a gift in any of this celebrations you can use this convenient car finder tool if you’re in a hurry.

Did you ever think, before becoming a parent, that you — personally — would change so much by having a child? Before I became a mother, I thought that the basic course of human development went something like this: You are born, you grow and learn, and then you are an adult — a fully developed, done-grown human being.

But, as API Resource Advisory Council member Lisa Reagan — Executive Editor of Kindred Media and Community and cofounder of Families for Conscious Living — explains in this API interview, we are never done growing and learning. Just as babies and children aim to hit certain milestones in their development, so are parents reaching their own “developmental” milestones.

API: Becoming a parent can be so transformative. How many children do you have, Lisa?

LISA: I just have the one, and he’s 17 now. I was telling some of my friends who would understand what am I saying without any kind of cultural mommy judgment — people who understand attachment and know me — and I said, “You know what? I feel like, it’s over — in a good way, though. I kind of feel like, ‘Oh my gosh, that mommy phase is over, and I have a young man in front of me.'”

[Joseph Chilton] Pearce [author of Magical Child] says you know you’ve done your job when they walk away and don’t look back. And when he [my son] does that to me now as a teenager, I am thrilled. I am, like, great!

I know when you have little ones, it is hard to imagine that this moment will come, but I told some of my friends that, and they said, “You know, you went through your developmental milestones as a mother, too.” So I grew up as well.

API: What a good way to say it.

LISA: And they’re right. Because of following the attachment model, I got my needs met to mother him, and there is nothing hanging on now. I did it. I met my needs to be his mother, and I met his needs, and it’s a completed thing now.

It is kind of a dangerous thing to say in our judgmental culture where people want to bash the heck out of moms for any reason at all, like, “Oh, aren’t I a neurotic clingy mom, especially coming from an attachment background?” The opposite could not be more true.

In fact, as Robin Grille [author of Parenting for a Peaceful World and API teleseminar guest] has shared with me, the helicopter parenting phenomenon is the polar opposite of Attachment Parenting, (AP), which recognizes and respects the child’s developmental needs, not the parent’s need for control and dominance.

I recommend that parents who can’t believe their children are ever going to grow up and leave — and you’re going to be thrilled to watch them fly out of the nest — to read John Breeding’s book Leaving Home. He is dead on right. It is harder for us than it is for them, because their whole job is to grow up and leave, but there is a way for us to meet our own needs in this process because we are growing as well and we are developing. That was a revelation.

API: I love how you say that we, as parents, are growing as well, that we are hitting our own milestones. I think there are so many people — myself included at a point — that think that you grow and then basically you are fully developed, that you are done, and then you become a mother. Really for me and for a lot of AP parents, we figure out that there is a whole lot more to go. That realization is really profound.

LISA: I wasn’t thinking about any of this big picture stuff when I had a child. I wasn’t. I just wanted to be a mom. I loved my baby, and I loved my husband and I was so grateful that I got to delay having a child until I could stay home.

But I, like many parents, began to question and felt there was something not right about a culture that did not support family wellness — going back to what Pearce calls the “bio-cultural conflict,” meaning we are torn between our biological imperatives to make wellness choices for our children, and our cultural imperatives for approval and acceptance.

But when we have context for what is happening within us and around us, when we have some kind of historical context, cultural context, even our own personal context, it is the context — the Big Picture — that can help us to shake off despondency and move toward empowerment and joy. And early on, this is what I saw in myself, a new mother who was unaware that my conscious choices for connection — with myself, my child, my husband, my community and planet — mattered.

Read the entire API interview with Lisa Reagan in The Attached Family‘s online “Nurturing Peace” issue.

*First photo courtesy of FreeImages.com/agastecheg

Thanksgiving for joy and peace in my parenting

I am so thankful to Attachment Parenting International (API). I can only imagine how different my life would be without the peaceful communication skills and lifestyle I have learned and put into practice in my home the past 9 years.

I remember myself at the beginning of this journey — the “need” for control in my parent-child relationship, the anger when my child didn’t do as I thought she should have, the overwhelm of realizing how much I didn’t know about parenting, the anxiety about whether I was doing it right or not, the complete lack of knowledge about healthy child development expectations, the frustration of realizing that I didn’t know myself and how to handle my own emotions as much as I thought I did, the conflict between my mothering instincts and cultural advice promoting detachment and emotional distance.

As a woman who excelled in her career for years before becoming a mother, the transition to motherhood — during which I was so seemingly inept — was unnervingly difficult.

Wow, how I have changed over time! I am the opposite in nearly every way — calm and confident, full of gratitude and peace, feeling no need to try to control my children. And my children are so happy, and their behavior and worldviews amaze me — I believe because they do as my husband and I, and others in our “village,” model to them and they are secure in their relationships with us. They know what is expected, and they do it because it is the way we live, day in and day out. We are a community — one sewn together with love, simplicity and appreciation…as API writer Effie Morchi mentions in her post earlier this week.

I am thankful that my children — ages 9, 8 and 4 — act out of the family values instilled in them. I am proud that they are able to confidently, though lovingly, call me out in those occasions when I act outside the boundaries of behavior expected in our family. I remember a morning a few weeks ago when I was angry with my husband and was acting a little grumpy while brushing my teeth in the bathroom. My 8-year-old daughter, sweet Emily, was in the bathroom with me when she said, “Mommy, remember grace!” I thanked her, spun on my heels and walked straight to my husband to share my forgiveness. Thank you, Emily, for modeling the gentle instruction we practice in our family — sometimes, parents need reminders, too!

I so love being a mother. I so love being at home with my family. I really enjoy being with my friends and out in the community and writing and volunteering and crocheting and singing and reading a good book, too, but my favorite place in the whole world — my paradise, my ultimate vacation destination — is home, with my children, just being together.

Thank you, API, for giving me these wonderful gifts — joy in my parenting and peace in my life. It is API’s education and support — as a complement to my personal spiritual faith — that, over the past 9 years, have shaped the way I think, speak and live my life. I only hope I can repay these incredible gifts through my service and giving back, even if only in a small way.

How do we define success in a career-driven society, once we become parents?

According to Oxford Dictionaries, “success” is defined as “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.” Synonyms include: “favorable outcome” and “triumph.” The antonym is “failure.”

Success looks different for each person — just as every person on this planet is unique in their likes and dislikes, what they find uplifting or oppressive. To be more precise, perhaps we should be defining “success” as a feeling, a sense of fulfillment or accomplishment.

Perhaps a better question would be: What in your life fulfills you? What has given your life meaning?

If you’re like me, that answer changed drastically once you became a parent.

Before I became a mother, I would have identified myself as a career woman. I was a journalist who worked 50-plus hours a week, never missing the opportunity to take on the next big story. I was eager to climb the career ladder, with aspirations to manage my own news organization someday. I lived for praise from my editor and readers, and I was constantly on the lookout for a better-paying, more prestigious position. Like many young professionals, I was in a hurry to “prove” myself and would define success in how much readers admired my writing and how many possessions I could accumulate, how many friends I had, how many social gatherings I attended and how many vacations I took at Boutique hotel zermatt.

Then I became pregnant with my daughter Rachel, and I began to feel a tug in my heart. As I planned my maternity leave, I still thought that my life wouldn’t change nearly as much as it did. I thought that I would take off a few weeks from work, then put her in daycare and go back to my journalism job. The only difference is, I thought, perhaps I’d cap my hours at 40 per week and limit any overtime.

Rachel was born 10 weeks early due to a placental abruption. As I lay on the hospital bed, hooked up to an IV of magnesium sulfate so potent that I had to be on oxygen during the treatment, watching my baby’s heart rate bounce up and down on the monitor beside my bed, wondering what would happen to her, I had a thought: that what had defined success for me, up to that moment, doesn’t nearly measure up to what it means to be a mother. And what my daughter needed, and still needs 9 years later along with her 8-year-old sister and 4-year-old brother, is a mother who is devoted to her role as a parent more than to her career.

Three months later, after my paid maternity leave, I asked to meet with my editor and told him that it was critical to me that I be allowed to work from home. It is true that my premature daughter was still dealing with major health problems, but the bigger reason for my request was because I felt that neither she nor I were ready emotionally for separation. He declined, and totally unlike my people-pleaser nature, I quit that day. I decided to do freelance-writing from home.

It has worked out well. I don’t make the paycheck I did before I had children, but between my husband and myself, we make enough money — and save enough through our financial management — to live comfortably. I am happy with my choice to balance my children’s attachment needs and my family values with our financial needs and my career path, and know that as my youngest child grows beyond the critical early childhood years when attachment needs are strongest, I can always choose to go back to working outside the home.

I no longer live for my editors’ and readers’ praises. I live for time spent with my children. I don’t care about accumulating possessions, but rather memories with my family. The social gatherings that matter most to me are playing or cuddling with my kids. And instead of looking to the next rung on the career ladder, I focus on how to have a stronger, more secure attachment with each of my children and my husband.

I know that not everyone can, or wishes to, quit their jobs to stay home with their children, but I urge everyone to be mindful of how they can best balance their child’s attachment needs with their career aspirations and financial obligations. If you choose to continue working outside the home, understand that Attachment Parenting can be crucial for dual-income families. Preparing for parenting, Breastfeeding, Warm and sensitive responsiveness, Nurturing touch, Cosleeping, Positive discipline, Consistent and loving care, and Striving for balance in family and personal life — API’s Eight Principles of Parenting — provides a road map for establishing and maintaining secure parent-child attachment for all parents, but parents with limited daily time with their children report that Attachment Parenting is especially necessary to keep their close family bonds. The research fully supports this.

We at Attachment Parenting International (API) hope that you found inspiration to take parental leave from working seriously. The importance of parental presence didn’t end as the calendar flipped from October to November, and we invite you to continue exploring this topic all year long and into 2016. Parental leave is a topic just getting started in the United States, and national discussions are sure to pick up in the next few years. Feel free to refer back to API’s Research Paper for AP Month 2015 for talking points on “Parental Presence: Birthing Families, Strengthening Society.”