Guest blogger – Page 4

Finding the “Me” in Mommy

Posted by Rivkah Estrin, CBE and API online contributor. Rivkah is a certified childbirth educator, DONA-trained postpartum doula and journalist who puts her passion about Attachment Parenting to use as a writer, mother and educator for expectant and new parents.

As soon as new life is ushered into the world, an old life comes to an end. The birth of a baby is in some ways a death of the woman you were before becoming a mother. As Rajneesh said, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”

All I have ever wanted in life was to be a mother. I naturally attachment parented my first baby because I didn’t know how else to keep her happy. All the traditional tools fell by the wayside as she told me in her 2-day-old way that all she needed was to sleep on my chest and all would be OK. She did everything in my arms, in the sling, at my breast, as did child number 2, child number 3 and child number 4. It’s been a long but amazing nine years.

Now my youngest has turned three and is sleeping in her own space, thinking about potty training and only nursing to go to sleep. And I wonder—where am I? In the past nine years, how have I given to myself? I know I’m not alone in this feeling, but it feels so lonely.

My husband continued on his trajectory. He is an incredible AP dad, but outside the house he’s still growing his business, meeting with clients, going on business trips and eating out with colleagues. I haven’t been to a moms’ night out without a kid because my little ones nurse to sleep for a very long time. And I can’t leave them in order to go play with my friends without feeling incredibly guilty.

Should I just get over it, go out and not worry about the affect it has on my kids? That doesn’t sit well with me.

Is the fault my husband’s for having a life outside the family? No, not at all. He’s out supporting us and allowing me to be home with our kids, to homeschool them, and he spends every spare minute with his family, he makes sure we use the best Charter Homeschooling program.

Is the fault my decision to homeschool? Many parents have six hours free to do as they please, such as work, go to the gym, organize the house, shop unaccompanied and myriad other things. But the time I have with my kids is so special and so limited. The experiences we get to share together can’t be matched on Sundays and holidays. Our everyday family life is something we’ve cultivated and worked hard to achieve, and as exhausting as it can be, it is infinitely fulfilling. So, no, I won’t blame the homeschooling.

Maybe there isn’t anything to blame. Maybe it’s just a very new existence for which there is no preparation or workshop. There is a term known as Mommy Burnout, and I think I may be headed there. Not in a scary, dangerous way. But it’s becoming clear to me that as the nature of my parenting is shifting as my kids are getting older, so too the nature of how I care for myself needs to change.

It used to be that a nap refreshed me to my core. My burnout was sleep-related, and a nap did just the trick. But my burnout issue now is lack of time—time for myself, time to take a class, time to smell the flowers. In the words of Rabbi Hillel, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”

API’s 8th Principle of Parenting is about striving for balance in personal and family life, which means “ensuring that everyone’s needs — not just the child’s — are recognized, validated and met to the greatest extent possible.” How does a mom find a way to recharge when the demands have shifted? How does one achieve more time? How does a mom give a little bit back to herself after so many years of joyfully overlooking her own needs? Here are a few ways I came up with that work for me.

Get into a book. More than just reading, finding a book that can transport me to another place and time can be a true mental vacation. I always say my favorite part of reading is being in the middle of a book. Looking forward to the next plot twist keeps me going even on the roughest of days.

Call a friend. My friends have always been my lifeline. And yet I find that months can go by without so much as a phone call! That’s just tragic. One thing I would love to implement is a once-weekly quiet time where I can step outside and call someone. Reminiscing about old times, talking about our current lives and just hearing a familiar voice can be relaxing and refreshing.

Add music. I like to bring the laptop in to the kitchen while cooking dinner or washing dishes. I can put on my favorite tunes, and it turns into a quick and easy escape from the endless to-do lists inside my head. The kids, usually off playing, will even come in sometimes and listen quietly with me. It’s a relaxing way to transition from the activities of the day toward bedtime.

Play a game with a partner or friend. What better way to chill out than to get completely consumed with a game? Recently my husband and I grabbed a deck of cards and played for two hours. We didn’t talk about the kids. It was awesome.

Pour a glass of wine (or cup of tea) and watch something. Two Netflix envelopes arrive at our house every week. One is for the kids and one is for us. Sometimes we get caught up in a great show and wait impatiently for the next DVD. Sometimes we catch up on all the movies we don’t get to the theater to see. Setting aside the time to watch something together is an effort, but it carries a worthwhile payout in distraction from the day-to-day.

Exercise! I can’t say it enough. It feels so good, gets all those endorphins coursing through the body and, oh yeah, it’s good for me, too. Every now and again I pop on some ABBA or Donna Summer and dance around the house. The kids love it and don’t even realize this is part of my master survival plan. On days when my husband is home and I can sneak out, I take a brisk walk around the neighborhood and enjoy 30 minutes of kid-free time with my iPod and my thoughts. Inevitably I return sweaty, energized and refreshed.

Find the spiritual. Our family observes the Sabbath. That means that from Friday night until Saturday night we turn off our cell phones, computers and TV and focus on family, friends and good food. Our walk to synagogue reminds us how much we enjoy being outside. Feeling the breeze, seeing the amazing reptiles we have here in southern Florida, and holding hands with our kids is so grounding. Even in the summer months, when the weather is brutally hot and often rainy, it is wonderful to be at one with the elements. After all, it is only a 15-minute walk. I make it a habit to invite friends for meals, and we sit and talk in a way we never have time for during our normal, hectic weekdays. For my family, reconnecting with nature and our community without distraction is absolutely essential to our spiritual well-being, and that translates directly to our family dynamic.

It may seem that I think of my husband as a babysitter, though I don’t view him that way at all. But I also know that if unprovoked, he won’t grab my walking shoes for me and shove me out the door with my iPod. I have to do it myself. Even though he’s the dad, I am and will always be the mother. As tiring, exhausting and overwhelming as it can sometimes be, that role is mine. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our Deepest Attachments

Written by Shoshana Hayman, director of Life Center, the Center for Attachment Parenting in Israel, www.lifecenter.org.il

We are often not aware of our deepest attachments until they are no longer with us. But sometimes we get the chance to have a glimpse of the profound nature of our attachment to those who matter most to us, and us to them.

Recently my older sister was told by her doctor that she needed immediate open heart surgery, and arrangements were made quickly for her hospitalization. In her usual optimistic and humorous spirit, my sister put on her lipstick, and with her dimpled smile waved to the family members who accompanied her down the hospital corridor, wishing them a long, happy life, while her youngest daughter filmed her with her digital camera.

I saw this part of my sister’s hospitalization only afterwards on the camera, for I was busy getting lost trying to find my way to the hospital. I could feel my frustration growing stronger as I hopelessly circled the same traffic circle trying to find the right exit. I was living the metaphor that explains where our frustration goes once it enters our system, and I knew that mine would finally find its way out in tears. I finally pulled my car over to the side of the road so I could collect myself and have a good cry.

Of course it wasn’t the getting lost that made me cry, but it was the trigger I needed to cry over the fear of losing my sister. She is the sister who took care of me. When I was little, she made faces with the food on my plate so I’d eat it; she gave me rides on the handlebars of her bicycle; she helped me with my homework; she taught me the answers to trivia questions, and we made tape recordings of our Q-and-A sessions together; she made up the best stories and created little dolls for me out of scraps of material to illustrate the stories. She was my shield, my protector. She kept me out of harm’s way.

Because she cared for me and gave me an open invitation to exist in her presence, I kept my tears and soft heart. My mind was flooded with the memories of our lives together, and I wanted to have her forever. The thought of anything else was too much to bear.

I sat through the surgery and prayed, and finally, seven hours later, I was told I could go to the recovery room. Her eyes were closed, and she was attached to tubes and wires, surrounded by the modern miracle of medical machinery for which perhaps for the first time I felt truly grateful. Her lipstick was still on, and I found a way to hold her hand without disturbing the equipment that was helping her body stabilize.

Thank G-d, she began to recover quickly and was out of pain. And now I have been given another gift–the hours we can spend together as she rests and recovers. But the hands on the clock relentlessly move ahead. I want to stay longer, and I have to leave.

We cling to each other with our hearts when I move to go. We are so aware of our being so deeply rooted in each other and that we can’t stop time from the inevitable futility of the physical world. We have but to cherish each day we have with each other; express our love and caring; find a way to forgive both the small annoyances and the big hurts; give our time and our hearts generously; remember what is truly important. It is then that we remain at peace with our relationships for eternity.

Dear Health Visitor, I Must Confess I Lied …

Posted by Louise, a mother living the United Kingdom. She blogs at mamabeanblog.blogspot.co.uk. “Health Visitors” in the UK health system are community nurses who provide routine developmental checks, care and support to newborns and their parents, including advice on feeding, sleeping and all aspects of newborn care.

Dear Health Visitor,

I must confess, I lied. I didn’t set out to be untruthful, but I felt like I had no other option at the time. I should obviously take full responsibility for my untruth; after all, I had the audacity to be a first-time mum with the sheer cheek to want the very best for my baby girl. You see, I didn’t actually leave my angel to cry. I didn’t really look past her gaze at nighttime to avoid eye contact. I didn’t even offer her a sip of water instead of my breast. She didn’t, in truth, actually sleep for those 8 hours that I told you about.

In fact, she has never slept for 8 hours in a row…not when you take into account all of the snuggling, smiles, little kisses and breastfeeds that naturally occur throughout our night. Yes, Health Visitor, I did say “our night”; my little girl and I sleep side-by-side, drifting in and out of our own special sleep dance, perfectly in tune, feeling warm, safe and happy. I guess that’s something else that I wasn’t exactly truthful about at the time. You can find more info about desert mobile medical.

You see, Health Visitor, I led you to believe that your advice, excuse me, your instructions, were right for us. I led you to believe that your dated and unsafe methods actually “worked”… if “success” is determined by the behavior of a child instead of the feelings. If only I had been honest from the start, perhaps the footprints that you came to leave in the next unsuspecting mother’s life would have been softer. Perhaps, just perhaps, you might have questioned your own methods and goals, seeking evidence-based, research-led data that would broaden and accelerate your understanding of the subject matter you preach daily. Or perhaps not.

For you and your team, my innocent baby was simply a tick in a box, but I didn’t actually ask for “help” if you remember.

It was your colleague who rang me at 10 weeks postpartum, when my iron levels were still so low after I had nearly died of a postpartum hemorrhage that I could easily have been admitted to hospital. “Are you getting out much? I haven’t seen you at the drop-in weight clinic, and 10 weeks is by far enough time to be back to normal.”

It was your colleague who told me at a breastfeeding “support” group at 4 months that any more than one night feed was nothing more than “pure manipulation” on my baby’s part. Funnily enough, there was no mention of growth spurts, sleep regressions, or baby brain maturity rendering my daughter physiologically incapable of “manipulation.”

It was your colleague who told me repeatedly, again at the breastfeeding support group, that my baby fed too frequently and to offer her water instead of the breast. Funnily enough, there was no check for tongue-tie, which was totally missed until 18 months. Or allergy, which was missed until a major type 1 reaction occurred on the introduction of solids. It seems that the ‘Health’ in ‘Health Visitor’ is there for no more than decoration.

It was your colleague who told me at my daughter’s 9-month check that children who aren’t put in their cots at 7 p.m. and left there without contact for the proceeding 12 hours will turn into “teenagers who sleep with their parents.”

But it was you, dear Health Visitor, who quietly watched, gently checked-in and slowly nodded. It was you who chip, chip, chipped away at my motherly instincts and confidence. If only I hadn’t answered truthfully in the postnatal depression test; if only my results hadn’t flagged me as borderline so that I was placed on monthly drop-ins for an “innocent chat.”

I was honest here, Health Visitor. I was telling the truth when I said I was happy, that I had never felt more content and fulfilled than when my darling daughter gazed lovingly into my eyes at the breast. I was being honest when I said that the only reason I scored highly on the “anxiety” section was because I couldn’t shake the memory of crashing during childbirth–the memory of my wonderful husband holding our baby with nothing but terror in his eyes while a team of doctors worked on me, as all the while the world grew fuzzy-white and I fought to stay awake. You see, Health Visitor, my “problem” wasn’t with being a mother, it was with the memory of almost NOT being a mother…of almost missing out on every single second of pure joy that my child brings me. It was with a slow, unapologetic nod and change of subject that you met this truth.

You are the expert after all. You know sleep deprivation when you see it. In fairness, you were quite right; I was tired, but the difference between you and I is that I don’t see tiredness as a bad thing. Being tired was a crucial part of my new mum experience. It allowed me to switch off the world outside and focus on the only thing that mattered: my baby.

It was you, Health Visitor, who instructed me on every single drop-in visit to leave my daughter to cry in her cot, alone, “for as long as it takes, even if she is sick.” It was you who instructed me on every single visit, to “keep it up for as many days or weeks as is necessary, and if you need to change the sheets to remove the vomit, don’t look her in the eye.” It was you who told me that “every mum has a breaking point.” You were determined to reach mine, weren’t you, dear Health Visitor?

I simply must confess to you that I lied. I did not follow your orders. I did not leave my daughter alone in her cot to cry and puke and learn helplessness. Instead, I cuddled, cradled, snuggled and breastfed my baby girl so that she can learn what it is to be human. Because isn’t that what we are missing in all of this? Isn’t it eye contact, innate communication, respect, kindness and love that define us as human? It is with nothing but pure love that I treat my daughter.

I see your instructions as nothing more than neglect, and it is because of this that I am sorry. I am sorry that I led you to believe that I had taken your advice; in explanation, I simply wanted your visits to stop. I am truly sorry to all of the other mums who had to endure your mantra. I am so very sorry to all of the other babies that had to endure the consequences of your orders. I hope that now, with hindsight and with my admission, you will understand that your role is not just a day job. You are on the front line, so to speak. You have the access to truly make a difference in the lives of hundreds of families. Let’s turn away from learned helplessness and perhaps in so doing you will learn helpfulness … we can but hope.

Sincerely,

Mama Bean

Parenting Criticism

If I were asked to define myself in one word, I would respond without hesitation that I am a mother. I am of course so much more. As a woman I fill many simultaneous roles. Each and every one of us lead busy lives and are called to coordinate our schedules to meet and accommodate the needs of the many different roles we fill.

Despite the fact that I would not define myself as only a mother, I certainly do consider my role as a mother to be one of the most important roles I play at this point in my life. My daughter is seventeen months old. She relies on me for everything. When she is hungry I feed her. When she is tired, I sing her to sleep. When she is upset, I cuddle and console her.

I have the great privilege, thanks to my hard working husband, to be a stay at home mom. I am able to be here for my daughter every second of every day.

In addition to being a mother, I am a mother who practices Attachment Parenting. I nursed my daughter until she decided she was ready for more freedom. My husband and I practiced safe co-sleeping while my daughter was an infant. She still ends up in our bed for part of the night.

I still have a hip sling for my daughter has never liked the stroller, always preferring a baby carrier or sling. She has always been a child who craves constant closeness. And who can blame her? It is the most basic of human desires to be close to those you love, and to those who love you. The bond between parent and child is unlike any other. It is concrete, it is solid, it is unending. It is only natural for a child to crave the closeness they experienced while in the womb.

My husband and I have only left our daughter a handful of times since her birth, always with a family member, never for more than a few hours, and usually while she is sleeping. We have been met with both criticism and praise for our parenting choices. Regardless of the opinions of others, whether positive or negative, we feel that our parenting style has enhanced the bond we have with our daughter. She is a happy, loving, confident child.

Recently I was called to testify in a custody hearing for a friend. The courthouse was two hours away and I was not about to leave my daughter. The attorney informed me that children would not be allowed in the courtroom. I responded that should he wish to have me testify, then my daughter would be with me. The attorney informed the judge that I practice “some weird style of parenting.”

Much to the judge’s dismay, I testified while my daughter played quietly at my feet. I was not about to leave her in the hall with a bailiff. She is a child who needs her mother and I am a mother who adores her child.

The bottom line is, we are all entitled to our own style of parenting. One style is no better than another; whatever works for you and your children is what is right. Calling something weird and degrading those who practice something different than you is not okay. Condescending people and making them feel inferior is not okay.

I love my child. My child loves me. I am proud to be an Attachment Parent, criticism and all.

Jillian is an Attachment Parenting advocate. She is also an author, writer, and public speaker. For more information about Jillian and her work visit her website and blog.

Weight loss, Attachment Parenting style

Guest post by Kelli Roschak

Let me start by saying that I am in no way a professional exercise coach or have any kind of trained expertise in weight loss. I am just a new mom, probably like you, who needed to lose weight after giving birth to my beautiful baby girl, and I am not going to lie, there’s was a point where I had the need to use Botox.

I have struggled with my weight for many years. Growing up, I was very athletic. I started skiing and using cheap ski goggles when I was 2 years old which turned into racing that lasted up until high school. I was also involved in t-ball, soccer, basketball, gymnastics, track and cross country running. So needless to say I didn’t grow up having any kind of body or weight issues. You can find here a great post to read about weight loss Lasting impression Medical spa.

It wasn’t until my last year of high school that I gave it all up. I was tired and you know how teenagers are…I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. From that point on I pretty much stopped moving. Since I didn’t have a specific sport to focus on it didn’t even cross my mind to find another form of exercise. So, I started putting on the weight…20 lbs here, 5 lbs there and on and on, and after that consider treatments to lose weight like natural supplements, fitness program or a dermal filler by contacting with SKINCLUB AUSTRALIA, which can also help people to reduce fat tissue.

Before I became pregnant I was on the BMI chart just about to cross the line from overweight to obese. Yikes right? But I didn’t really feel like that. I mean, I knew I was overweight but obese? I’d sort of tried to lose the weight over the years but never really went on any kind of serious diet. I would work out but could never stay motivated enough to get results any better than 5-10 lbs at a time and then I would put it back on and more usually. If you have weight issues read this resurge review.

Then I got pregnant and gained 50 lbs more. But to be honest, I wasn’t really worried about it. I had this feeling, even before I became pregnant, that once I had a baby things were going to change for me. I’m not sure why but I just had this gut feeling. Plus the last thing we women should be doing while we are building a baby is stressing out about the weight we are gaining and how we are going to lose it .

So now I’m a new mom basking in the amazement and joy of my new gift. Losing weight was nowhere near the top of my list of things to do. I just jumped into motherhood with gusto. I was in awe of this little being that solely depended on me to help her survive in this new world. I wanted to do nothing but make sure she felt safe and secure in every moment of her new life. She was only going to get the best from me as that was now my purpose in life.

I had decided from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I was going to breastfeed her. It was what my body was designed to do and finally I would get to use it for its purpose. I started wearing her close to my heart in a mai tie or ring sling. I was right there ready to respond to her when she told me she needed something. I was watching every move she made to try and catch her needs before she had to yell at me to do something. I was sleeping right by her side so she could nurse whenever she woke to hunger pangs or the need to know she wasn’t alone.

It was wonderful… really I couldn’t image doing it any other way. It wasn’t until a few months into it that I heard about Attachment Parenting and started reading up on it. Turns out, that everything I was already doing, instinctively, was right in line with the AP principles.

As I was reading and learning by doing, I found out that a lot of Attachment Parenting practices would help with my weight and overall health.

Breastfeeding

I’m sure you’ve heard that breastfeeding can help you to lose weight. It’s no joke…really! On an average you will burn 500 extra calories a day. Could be less or could be more up to even 1000 calories a day.

I’d have to say I’d rather sit in my rocking chair or lay in bed gazing into my little nurslings eyes and smelling her sweet smell than spend an hour or more running on the treadmill and/or driving myself mad on an elliptical machine…wouldn’t you? There will be no other time in your life that your body will be able to burn so many calories without you having to expend a major amount of physical effort and energy.

That being said, this is also the easiest time in your life to take advantage and do a little extra moving around to multiply that 500+ calories burned. Milk it while you can!

This doesn’t mean cut back on the calories you are consuming. Please don’t do that! You still need to make sure you are giving your body the fuel it needs to produce this amazing milk for your little one and keep you healthy and full of energy.

Bed Sharing or Co-Sleeping

Sleep is one of the most important things we need to stay healthy. It’s been shown that adequate sleep contributes to maintaining a healthy weight. Therein seems to lie the problem…being a new mom it’s impossible to get enough sleep right?

Thankfully, that wasn’t my experience. We bedshare, and I feel that we both get so much more sleep and she gets to nurse whenever she needs to. Half the time I don’t even know how many times a night she feeds because if I’m awake it’s only for a few seconds while she latches on. She almost never fully wakes.

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Babywearing

Wearing your baby from the time she is born at least until her 1st birthday is the easiest, quickest and most enjoyable way to burn some extra calories. I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy and by about 10 months I had lost 70 lbs and I attribute a large part of that to wearing my baby. I do have one of the best home treadmills though and that may of helped quite a bit, but to be frank I didn’t use it as much as I should.

Your everyday activities can turn into a great way to burn extra calories with the extra weight of him on your front or your back while you’re doing them….the dishes, laundry and grocery shopping can all be done wearing your baby! Just taking a walk to the park using your baby carrier instead of simply pushing a stroller will turn it into an extra calorie burning session. He will also love being close to you and getting to see everything that’s going on from your same level.

If you were to start a conventional weight loss work out plan your trainer would have you start with lighter weights in strength training and slowly increase the weight over time as your body gets use to them. Well, your baby is a genius fitness trainer because she naturally will do that for you. As your body adjusts to carrying her around she grows and gains more weight to up the ante of your workouts with her.

Aww… your baby is so smart….yes the smartest baby in the world! She helped you gain all of that weight and now is going to help you lose it too.

Kelli Roschak was born and raised in the Mountain’s of Colorado and currently lives in the Bronx, NY. In 2011 she gave birth to her first child, a beautiful baby girl named Kayla. She is a natural parent at heart and so Attachment Parenting fell right into line with all of her motherly instincts. You can read more from Kelli on her blog www.newagehippymama.com

A Bad Day

Today’s incredibly relatable guest post is by Lisa Lord, our new editor at The Attached Family. Enjoy!

It was midway into the week-long preschool break, a holiday for the kids but not for me. Late in the day I came across my 3-year-old whacking miniature wooden cakes off the kitchen table, chirping my favorite curse word with every smack.

I cringed. Where did he pick that one up? Probably it was when I found the modern art exhibit he’d drawn with markers on the living room wall, sofa, coffee table and carpet that afternoon. You know the kind of markers I mean, the “washable” kind that actually aren’t.

My two boys had been difficult all day. The 4-year-old tackled his little brother or snatched his toys every time I left the room. The little brother poured lakes of milk (or juice, water, you name it) on the coffee table as fast as I could clean them up. When he wasn’t pinned underneath his brother, that is. The general level of whining and crabbing was driving me nuts.

The problem? Me. I’d woken up irritable and intolerant, a mood that didn’t lift as the day wore on. By 6 pm, my husband’s arrival still an hour away, I thought I might crack up if one more person needed or destroyed one more thing. The worse I felt, the worse they acted. To divert myself, I went on the internet and soon enough, came across a helpful review that would later make my life easier at the kitchen.

This kind of day is a frustrating and embarrassing reminder of the eighth principle of attachment parenting—creating balance in personal and family life. This is a hard one for me, partly because I am the only one at home with the kids for twelve to thirteen hours a day with no family support close by.

On top of that, I got tangled up in the negative thoughts and judgments continuously churned out by my critical mind. Today it was a mind obsessed with the kids’ certain futures as juvenile delinquents. Along with the misery of the wasted day came worry about the lingering effects. What have the kids learned about emotional control from me today?

The antidote for a day like today? Treats, treats and more treats. I define a treat as anything that grounds me with pleasure in the present moment. We could have enjoyed lunch at the local café or made popcorn and put on a favorite movie. I could have taken them on a long bike ride with a planned stop for a cappuccino and snacks, invited a fellow mom for tea, called my sister to vent for a while, or even enjoyed a glass of wine while building block towers.

Unfortunately for all of us, I did none of these things. It was the cursing child that finally broke the spell. Yes, it was a sad commentary on my behavior. It was also hilarious. I quickly grabbed my notebook, which gave me the distance and distraction I needed to reframe the day. On the page, the marked up walls and milk puddles were silly anecdotes, moments I will reminisce about with laughter in years to come. My reactions were a serious reminder that I need to lighten up when I’m feeling bad and give myself a break from myself.

Somehow we all got through my bad day. After dinner, the 4-year-old cuddled with me through four readings of Superworm. The 3-year-old stood at the coffee table drawing me a picture, with his pants inexplicably around his ankles and his adorable behind on full display. My bad mood didn’t stand a chance.

A native of New England, Lisa Lord now lives near Dublin with her Irish husband and two young boys. She is a freelance writer and editor of theattachedfamily.com.

Velcro or Teflon?

The following is a guest post by our own Camille North, API Links Editor. API Links is a monthly e-newsletter to help keep parents, professionals, and others abreast of the latest news and research in Attachment Parenting and updates of API programs.

Anyone can receive API Links! Click here to subscribe.

Velcro or Teflon?

by Camille North

As images from Sandy – rescuers saving pets, power strips charging strangers’ phones, and NICU nurses whisking preemies to safety (causing my blood to run cold, realizing that that could have been my own two-pounder) – morph into mental images of Thanksgiving celebrations, visiting relatives, and holiday festivities (which also made my blood run cold when I realized that Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away), one thing became clear to me … they all share a common theme.

In line with that theme, I happened to run across an article that talks about stress and how we handle it, and how it affects our health decades down the road. Velcro People, who let stress stick to them, tend to have poorer health than Teflon People, who let stress roll off their backs.

What’s the common theme? No, not stress. Support! Which just so happened to be the topic, and fittingly so, of last month’s AP Month. The thought of facing a catastrophic storm, the inability to communicate with loved ones in harm’s way, or even something as non-life threatening as an extra, ahem, interesting relative at the Thanksgiving dinner table made me realize how much I rely on the people around me to see me through times that pump cortisol into my system.

I’ve been, most of my life, a Velcro Person, and I’m trying really hard now to be a Teflon Person. (Just ask my kids about the “hard” part.) I’m making progress, but I’m not there yet. But I wouldn’t be able to make any progress without support, and that’s what API is all about, whether we celebrate one month out of the year or rely on it all year long.

Before the chaos and craziness of the holidays truly sets in – oh wait, too late – think of API and your Support Group as that little bluebird of happiness (or maybe the bluebird of sanity, or even the bluebird of “pass the bean dip”) whispering in your ear.

When those “helpful,” well-intentioned relatives come to visit and tell you, “A little crying it out is good for them! It teaches them how to self-soothe!,” or “If you respond to his every whimper, you’re gonna spoil that baby,” or “A little smack will show ’em who’s boss. Spare the rod and spoil the child, I always say,” or even “Come on, Sis, Mom and Dad spanked us, and we’re fine,” just breathe and picture the face of your Support Group’s Leader. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Whether you want to get away from it all (“Sorry, Aunt Ethel, I simply must attend today’s meeting! We’ll talk about peregoric and colic when I get back.”), get suggestions for zippy retorts, or just vent, we’re here for you. If you don’t have a Support Group, run, do not walk – or at least run as fast as you can, with the double stroller, the dog on the leash, and the sippy cup the baby keeps tossing on the trail – to your closest computer and find one.

Maybe all you need is the little bird whispering in your ear to remind you that your proper response in trying situations might be, “Pass the bean dip.” Or, in this case, “Pass the cranberry sauce.”

Here’s wishing you a Teflon-inspired, stress-free holiday season.

Camille North,
API Links Editor

Observations in Attachment Parenting in Bangladesh – Guest Post by Annie Urban

Around the world, parents love their babies. They do what they think is best to keep them safe, to nurture them, and to help them grow into exceptional human beings. In many Western countries, attachment parenting is being celebrated as a positive choice that parents can make, while in may traditional cultures it is what they’ve been practicing all along.

In September, I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Bangladesh with Save the Children Canada to visit their health and nutrition and education programs. While the main goal of the trip was to understand the needs of children in those countries and have the opportunity to observe the positive results that Save the Children’s programs are having, I found it fascinating to be able to observe similarities and differences in parenting styles and choices.

Although I didn’t have the opportunity to spend enough time with families there to get an in-depth understanding of their parenting styles, there were some observations I was able to make as it relates to some of the principles of attachment parenting.

Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting: A lot of remote communities in Bangladesh haven’t had access to health workers or authoritative health information to help women in the community to prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting. Women have given birth at home, on dirt floors, without a trained birth assistant present. Through Save the Children Canada’s programs, communities are able to found birth centres that act as a central point to care for midwives to care for mothers throughout their pregnancy, birth and postpartum period. The health workers there visit mothers at home during their pregnancies to check in on them and educate them. These communities have also established community action groups and engaged community volunteers to help identify health problems that mothers and babies are facing and to find ways to address those through education and care in their communities.

Feed with love and respect: According to the WHO Global Data Bank on Infant and Young Child Feeding, 98% of babies in Bangladesh are breastfed and the average age of weaning is 33 months. Dig even deeper and you’ll see that 95% of one year olds are still being breastfed as are 91% of two year olds. I was incredibly impressed with these statistics. The idea of a mother being unable to breastfeed is foreign to them because it is so rare that significant breastfeeding problems occur. Breastfeeding is a part of their culture and formula is something that is unnecessary and unaffordable for most. Breastfeeding on cue is the norm in Bangladesh and if anything mothers there need to be taught about the importance of introducing solids at the right time instead of relying on just breast milk to meet the baby’s nutritional needs for too long.

Use Nurturing Touch: One of the ways that women around the world keep their babies close to them is through babywearing. Many traditional cultures have types of wraps or carriers that they use and a lot of those have been adapted and adopted in Western cultures. I was curious to see how the moms carried their babies in Bangladesh and was surprised to find out that they don’t use carriers at all. It isn’t that they were using strollers (they weren’t) or that the babies weren’t being held (they were). But whenever I saw babies they were being carried on a mom’s hip or sitting on a mom’s lap. When I asked why no carriers, I was told that it just isn’t part of their culture and that there are always enough hands around (grandmothers, aunts, friends, etc.) that when the mother needs to put the baby down to do something, someone else can hold the baby. That made a lot of sense to me within a home or community environment, but I have to admit I was tired just watching some of these moms walk along long paths or roads with a large baby on their hip supported by their arm.

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally: Cribs? What cribs? In all of the homes that we visited in Bangladesh, it was a given that the mom would sleep with the baby. In fact, most homes had only one or two rooms and the whole family slept together in one bed. Educational materials around breastfeeding always picture the mom lying in bed with the baby to nurse at night.

Provide Consistent and Loving Care: In most families and in the Bangladeshi culture, it seems as though consistent and loving care is the norm. Babies are kept close and as they get older, they are given more independence and responsibility, but families remain very close with everyone living in one small space and often working together in the family business. Unfortunately, for some families, that isn’t the reality. If they cannot afford to feed all of their children, they may send some of them away to work as servants (child domestic workers) in another family’s home, often far away. Those children may be sent away as young as six years old, will have no regular contact with their families back in their village, and are often mistreated and abused by the families they are working for.

Overall, from what I saw in Bangladesh, the principles of attachment parenting are very much a part of their culture. They are very community-minded and the village steps in to help raise children in a nurturing environment, helping them to overcome some of the challenges to attachment parenting that are created by the isolation of the nuclear family in Western cultures. The challenges they face are due to the dire economic circumstances that sometimes prevent them from being able to parent in the way that they would like, creating a lot of heartbreak for families and having dire consequences for children.

The good news though is that the work that non-profit organizations like Save the Children are doing in Bangladesh is having exceptional results. The programs are designed in a way that fits with the local culture and that is sustainable, so that communities can take control of their own health, education and destiny.

For more information

Save the Children Canada

Getting Results for Maternal and Child Health in Bangladesh Through Community Empowerment.