attachment parenting – Page 37

Reflections on Our First Year

I entered parenthood with a crib and an epidural. I had never heard of attachment parenting, and was pretty sure the family bed was something that could wreck a marriage.

As my baby turns one, and my husband and I celebrate our eighth year of marriage, we happily (and a bit nervously) went out for our first time alone as a couple since her birth, and reflected on the highlights of our year.

In addition to watching each other blossom as parents, the way we parent was at the top of both of our lists.

I never could have guessed that our style of parenting could be equally important to us as the event of becoming parents.

While hard to explain – or even justify – to the uninitiated, the steps we’ve taken to build a deep and secure bond with our daughter have transformed us as just much as they’ve helped to ground her. Specifically, our top seven favorite steps we’ve taken as parents this year:

Bringing Dalia into our bed. Not only does she fall asleep faster, and sleep longer and more soundly, but the precious time we have as a family, gazing adoringly at our beautiful baby as she sleeps, or laughing together in the morning, is priceless.
Breastfeeding! While it wasn’t clear if I’d be able to at all, and then whether I’d need to supplement forever, at around the two month mark – thanks to cosleeping, in fact – we were finally able to nurse exclusively. From that point on, it’s been invaluable to nurture Dalia both nutritionally and emotionally in my arms.
Letting Dalia take the lead on her feedings. Introducing solids has been fun and fulfilling for the whole family, as we let go of our expectations of how a baby should eat, put safe “adult” foods in front of her, and let her show us how and what she wants to eat.
Taking our infant to the potty! Reading up on Elimination Communication before Dalia’s birth, I skipped over all the yada yada about building a deep bond through pottying. Who are they fooling, I thought! But boy, knowing when she has to go and keeping our baby dry and happy are way more intimate experiences than we could have guessed.
Tossing the disposables! While at first we were afraid of the work – and stigma – of cloth diapering, it’s incredibly gratifying to know we’ve reduced our landfill contributions to about one diaper per day. I’d like to go all the way, and am actively looking for a leak-free overnight cloth diaper, so any recommendations would be appreciated!
Babywearing! How wonderful to be able to strap her in snugly under my winter coat and hit the road! Especially with a baby who hates the car and squeals when we take out the stroller, our beloved collection of carriers has increased our closeness and mobility. Beyond the practical benefits, the joys of “spoiling” our baby with all the in arms time we can give has been unmeasurable.
Meeting like-minded parents! Since joining a group for AP moms, Dalia and I have met some amazing moms and babies who have paved the way for larger family friendships. Having a like-minded community of friends has helped us to bask in the wonder of parenthood and lean on a haven of supporters when questions or issues arise.

While each of these experiences has cracked us wide open for more and more love and closeness in a way we had not anticipated, the sum of the effect of our practices is worth way more than the individual parts. As we close the door on babyhood and enter toddlerhood together, I am confident in my ability to navigate our future as a mom. More importantly, my baby has confidence that she is loved, that her world is stable and secure, and that she can come back to us when she needs to recharge.

While AP isn’t for everyone, for those of us who know and love its practices, it can magnify – and multiply – the rewards of the parenting experience. I am grateful we happened upon this path, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

A Sleep Evolution

I am looking forward to some sleepovers with my 4 1/2-year-old and 6-year-old this weekend. Sometimes their rooms seem so far away and I miss them at night. We make a point to arrange periodic sleepovers in our bed for some nighttime cuddles and reconnection.

Though I never considered us a “co-sleeping” family, our kids have been in and out of our bed since birth. Co-sleeping full time never worked for us, as I never got great sleep. Co-sleeping enthusiasts are probably surprised to hear this; the reason many people co-sleep is because they are able to get more sleep that way, rather than getting out of bed multiple times a night to nurse. Not to mention the bonding benefits for babies and parents. I just never slept deeply enough to feel well-rested, so it worked better to have a part-time co-sleeping arrangement.

For many days, I was so drowsy in the morning as I could not get a full night’s sleep. A friend of mine recommended something to me back in my college days about a pill called Modafinil that helped her stay awake and focused during the exam weeks. I was not able to try it but she stand by it. She used to take it in the morning when she feels sleepy but still needed to study. I never got to try it during pregnancy and after, but if you want to, you can get it here: www.buy-modafinil-online.org. Make sure to read everything you can about before trying it out and talk to a professional.

For the newborn stage, both of our babies spent most of each night in our bed. Sometimes I’d set them in the bassinet next to the bed, but I found that, even though I didn’t sleep soundly, I wanted them right next to me all night. The bassinet was too far away.

When they got to about 3-4 months old, we started getting into a bit of a routine, both day time and night. This meant that nap times became more regular and a bedtime emerged. I started putting my babies down for their first block of nighttime sleep in the bassinet/ crib for as long as they were going to sleep. This could have been anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours. But after the first time they woke, I took them into bed with me for the rest of the night.

As the months progressed, it was later and later in the night when they came into our bed; not because they were sleeping for longer stretches, but simply because I’d put them back down in their own sleep space for a second (and, eventually, a third, fourth, etc.) time. This process was so gradual I can’t even remember the length of time it spanned. It was some time between one and two years…closer to one for my daughter, closer to two for my son. This time seems so long ago!

By a long, gentle transition, they were each in their own rooms full-time by the time they were toddlers. Despite their being in another room, I made sure I was responsive, as nighttime needs matter just as much as daytime. I got up when they cried out. I nursed them when they needed it. I soothed them to sleep in their own beds when it worked and took them into our bed when it didn’t. This wasn’t always easy; some nights during various developmental stages it was hard to get up often, but it was harder for me to have them in my bed, where no one was getting good sleep and I never felt rested. I always gave my kids what they needed at night, yet still found a way to meet my own needs of at least one segment of deep sleep.

As toddlers in their toddler beds, my husband and I took turns putting them to bed at night. We each had a different routine for tucking the kids in. Beyond the basic steps of going potty, brushing teeth, and putting on PJs, John had his special time with the kids and I had mine. We each had our preferences for laying with the kids and either talking, tickling, reading stories, or singing. Sometimes we’d stay with them until they were asleep, and sometimes we said goodnight while they were still awake. We still have our own tucking-in routines, though they’ve changed a bit since the kids were toddlers. Now they’re shorter and involve playing games (John) or reading and talking (me & Elia) or reading and cuddles (me & JJ).

Over the years our kids have developed healthy sleep habits as well as flexibility in their nighttime routines. They are not dependent on one person, one object, or a very specific routine to get to sleep. Now, at ages 4 1/2 and 6 they sleep through the night. If for some reason they do wake up, they know how to get what they need (water, potty, comfort for a bad dream) and go back to sleep.

Our kids are welcome in our bed anytime. Now that they’re older and waking up less often or not-at-all, I am able to sleep much better when we’re all together. We have a kid in our bed several nights a month. Sometimes they come in a few nights in a row for extra comfort, sometimes not. If the impromptu mid-night visits get too few and far between, we plan sleepovers where one child will get tucked into our bed so the three of us can enjoy falling asleep together and waking up together. There’s just nothing like cuddling all night with our kids, and I’m sure they’d say the same thing about us (at least for now)!

So this weekend, John will be out of town, there will be a huge empty space in our bed, and my kids and I will spend our nights snuggling together. I’m looking forward to having their little bodies right next to me!

This week on The Attached Family

The Importance of Making Mistakes

So often, as parents, we try to prevent our kids from making mistakes. We issue warnings, reach out to help, or just do a job ourselves because we don’t want the hassle of fixing a mistake like a spill, fall, or ill-thought decision. But making mistakes is valuable and necessary for a child’s learning and development of self-confidence. How we handle mistakes can teach children that challenges are either threats to be avoided, or that they can be opportunities to learn and develop strong mastery skills. American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett explains on The Attached Family online magazine at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2766

State of the World’s Mothers: More Qualified Health Care Workers Needed Worldwide

For women in our culture, pregnancy and childbirth represent a joyous time: enjoying a growing belly, fantasizing about how the baby will look, shopping for tiny layettes, and taking prenatal yoga classes. But for many women in developing countries, pregnancy and childbirth are risky and sometimes fatal for both mother and newborn. Pregnancy & Birth Editor Kathleen Mitchell-Askar continues this The Attached Family online magazine article at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2762

OTHER FEATURE ARTICLES:

The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment Research in Family Courts by American psychologist Peter Haiman

Spotlight On: Balboa Baby

Embracing Positive Discipline’s Challenges, Routines for Preschoolers, and The “See One, Teach One, Do One” Approach to Teaching by American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett

Teens and Sex from an Attachment Perspective by Israeli parenting educator Shoshana Hayman

Respectful Potty Training, When Daddy Goes Away, and What to Do When Children Demean Each Other by American parenting educator Naomi Aldort

How to Respond to the Most Frustrating Phrases Kids Say and Why It’s Important to Help Children Make Friends by editor Rita Brhel

The 3rd Step in Responding with Sensitivity by American parenting educator Dottie Stone Coleman

Healing Birth, The Second Time Around by American mother Heather Spergel

The Delicate Balance of Parenthood by American child development specialist Megan Kunze

I am not raising obedient children…

...nor do I want to. Not that I would rather have disobedient kids, but…actually that’s closer to the truth. What?! (You say.) What crazy parent would want this?

To me, the word “obedient” has such a negative connotation when used in reference to raising children. It literally means to obey. As in, orders.

Is that what parenting is? Ordering our children through their youth? I guess it would be nice if my kids followed my orders just because I said so. Put your toys away. Eat this food. Find new friends. Date this person, not that person. Take this job, not that one. Have your first child by this date. Buy a house at this random location on the map, just because I said so.

If we are teaching our kids to be “obedient,” at what point do we stop ordering them around? And what if there’s a strong reason not to obey someone’s order? A “good“ child — one who is taught to be obedient — might not have the forethought to see a situation through.

I don’t want children who obey without hesitation. I want children who can think for themselves, recognize and listen to their feelings and instincts and respond appropriately.

What I mean when I say I’d rather my kids be “dis”obedient is really more like be deliberate. I want my kids to think about what they’re doing, assess the situations they’re in and make internally motivated decisions. I don’t want them to do things just because I said so — though I know that with the number and types of interactions I have with my kids at their current ages of 4 and 6 years old, doing things because I said so would certainly be nice sometimes. All of the questioning, reasoning, arguing and explaining I hear after a simple request does get time-consuming and tiring.

But I appreciate the thought my kids put into their explanations to not do something I ask. Raising non-obedient kids will become very important in several years when they are out alone — maybe with friends or maybe truly on their own; in either case, without parents — and must evaluate an emotionally or physically risky situation. They need to be able to recognize their feelings, appreciate the significance of those feelings, and trust their instincts to make a considerate and educated decision, a fitting decision — not an obedient decision.

Getting out of the mindset that children need to obey parents “because we say so” and instead developing a mutually respectful relationship that inspires independent thinking will be hugely beneficial for my kids and our family in about 10 years. As aggravating as some situations at this point in time, I will gladly take this challenge on now rather than later.

Not So Easy to Define AP to Some Parents

Tonight, I’m going to a parenting class at the request of the facilitator because, as he sees it, I will be able to add some interesting discussion about the topic of parenting. I reluctantly agreed to go, to at least try out the first day of this series.

I am hesitant because, as I told him, I don’t want to get stuck in some AP-bashing session. But I finally agreed, after he spent much time trying to persuade me, because I believe that I may be able to help some parents look at my “different” approach to parenting with new eyes.

See, most parents around my hometown know my children as very well-behaved kids. But they don’t really know my parenting style, because being a stay-at-home parent, most of my parenting style is done privately, in my home. The folks around here only see me and the kids out for brief periods of time, such as at church, the grocery store, the bank or the doctor’s office.

They don’t know that Attachment Parenting (AP) really isn’t for the light of heart. I say this because AP can’t be done half-heartedly and that it really is an intensive, holistic approach to parenting compared to some parenting styles.

I know that tonight’s parenting class is going to center on discipline, for the most part, and the facilitator is very interested in my sharing about positive discipline and how it can be done without spanking or punitive timeouts.

But what he doesn’t know is that AP is about much more than positive discipline, that when I talk to parents about discipline I don’t stop at redirection and teaching. I’m very forthcoming that my parenting approach – and therefore positive discipline – encompasses all areas of parenting.

We know AP as Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting. To a newcomer to AP, the fact that there are eight parts to this parenting approach can simply be overwhelming.

People start researching parenting styles and approaches, going to classes and reading books, often because they’re looking for something different from what they’re doing. Something isn’t working, and they’re looking to tweak.

Those who finally embrace AP have come to the realization that there is no quick fix – that parenting is very much a multi-faceted program, that as parents you have to be involved in every aspect of that child’s life – from discipline to nurturing touch, from feeding with respect to consistent care, from responding with sensitivity to family balance, and so on.

Some parents don’t want to hear this. They don’t want to know that to change their child’s behavior, they have to do all this other stuff that they see has nothing to do with discipline.

If parenting was easy, we wouldn’t need books and experts and classes. There wouldn’t be all this confusion in our culture as to what the best parenting approach is. What makes parenting hard, in actuality, is the conflict it creates in parents trying to find balance in their lives.

Both our needs for balance and our children’s needs to be nurtured need to be met, but not at the expense of one another. Our children need a lot of attention. Discipline isn’t the answer to well-behaved kids; attention is.

Teaching environmental responsibility

Editor’s note: Happy Earth Day 2015! While this post was originally published on April 26, 2011, it’s a good reminder of how Attachment Parenting dovetails with teaching the next generation about caring for our communities and planet.

Today is Earth Day, which means that many of us are thinking about our environmental footprint. My 2-year-old Jacob is totally oblivious to all of the talk about saving the planet, but my 6-year-old Hannah is very interested.

She’s picking up cues from school and the media, and every day she asks me how one or more of our activities impact the planet. I do my best to answer honestly, in a way that she’ll understand.

As I talk to Hannah about how our actions impact the planet, I’ve been reflecting on what my parenting style teaches my children about taking care of the earth. I think that if I generally communicate empathy and connectedness through the way that I respond to my children, they will feel that empathy and connectedness toward other people. And, by extension, toward the planet as a whole.

I see a definite connection with Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting. Here are a few examples from my home:

Feed with Love and Respect

As we introduce table foods, we’re creating a connection between our child and the world. Everything that we consume is provided in some way by the planet. And as we strive to make healthy eating choices, we’ll naturally be eating more whole foods. It’s a very logical step to talk to our children about where their food comes from, how it’s grown and how life on earth is sustained.

Respond with Sensitivity

We build a relationship of trust with our children by responding to them sensitively. It starts with a newborn’s first cries, and it continues as our children grow and we involve ourselves in their interests and strive to meet their needs. The relationship that is formed in the process creates a model for how children interact with the larger world around them.

If they learn to trust us, they will also learn to trust others — and develop empathy for them. They will understand that their actions have an impact, and they’ll want to make sure it’s helpful instead of harmful.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

One of the best ways that I’ve found to recharge my own batteries, as well as my kids’ batteries, is to get out into nature. Many parents that I talk to share the same experience. Getting outside, even if it just means spending 20 minutes in the backyard, can turn everyone’s mood around.

When my kids are outside, they explore the natural world. The wonder they experience is amazing, as they learn about plants and animals and insects and weather and seasons. They come to appreciate the earth, and they want to care for and support it.

By making healthy choices, taking the time to get outside, and helping our children learn empathy and feel connectedness, we’re setting the stage for them to make more sustainable choices. Without saying a word, our actions are communicating our values — and our kids pick up on them naturally. I think that’s a great thing.

How have your children learned to live more lightly on the planet? And do you think your parenting style plays a role in how they view the larger world? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Interview Series: Dave Taylor

We are continuing our interview series with API Contributing Bloggers with Dave Taylor of APparenting.com. Read on to hear more about his life as a single dad of 3, and his thoughts on parenting preteens and teenagers!

Tell us about your family.

I’m based in Boulder, Colorado and am a single Dad to three terrific kids: a 14yo daughter, 10yo son and 7yo daughter. They’re all very artistic and talented athletes too: the older girl is a star of her school volleyball team and my son is one of the leading players on his YMCA basketball team. In fact, his team made it to the championship just a few weeks ago, but, alas, ended up in second place.

What led you to Attachment Parenting?

I was definitely not raised in an attachment parenting household. In fact, my childhood is better characterized as an English “stiff-upper-lip” philosophy where I was left to my own devices from an early age and my parents were involved, but less and less as time went on.

When we had our first child, I was prepared to continue that same parenting philosophy when their Mom suggested that a more affectionate, more hands-on approach to child rearing would garner benefits for both them and us. Honestly, co-sleeping, slings instead of strollers and the like just felt natural and it’s a heck of a lot of fun to have that close a connection, that much proximity, to a wide-eyed new life. It’s all felt very natural and empowering.

How do you deal with friends/family/strangers who don’t understand or who disagree with AP practices?

I am blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who accept my parenting choices and are supportive of the children. We get an occasional confused comment about our sleeping arrangements (it’s not unheard of for my 10yo or even 14yo to grab a sleeping bag and bunk on the floor of my room on a stormy night). Even better, the school they’re in has many parents of a similar philosophical bent, so the child pushed into being independent at a very early age is the oddity, not the one who is still held, loved and nurtured by their parent.

I don’t really feel like I’m an evangelist for AP, but I will admit that there are times when I watch someone pushing a shrieking infant in a stroller and bite my tongue rather than say “y’know, if you just held them, they’d stop crying…”. Why? Because I don’t want people to judge my parenting choices so I extend the same respect to them. I can’t know why they choose to parent the way they do, so it’s better – in my opinion – not to get involved.

What does 2011 hold for your family? What goals do you have for your kids/ family in the coming year?

Goals? Our goal is always to attain as much peace and harmony in our lives as possible. It’s tough for them with two households, we try our best to minimize it, but it’s not as smooth as being in one house with two parents who get along well and enjoy each other’s company. But somehow we make it work, with a pinch of humor and a dash of silliness. At least, most of the time. 🙂

How has attachment parenting evolved as your kids get older? I don’t hear enough about parenting teenagers and preteens and would love your insight into the new challenges and opportunities that come with older kids.

I have to say that like many parenting approaches, I think AP is more suited for younger children, toddlers and babies, for children in the developmental phases where they seek to stay attached, not detach and explore their world. On the other hand, we all appreciate someone who can listen to us, respect us as individuals and give us a hug when things aren’t going well, so the core concepts underlying AP are still quite relevant for parenting adolescents. For me, it’s about listening, respect, and being straightforward with them. When we get into a tussle, I explain my perspective and do my best to then be quite and listen to theirs. We discuss solutions, come up with compromises that meet both our needs (as best we can) and go on our way together. It’s not always easy, but parenting isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. I will add this too: I think it’s critically important for parents to be their *parent*, not a child’s friend. That always influences my interaction with my children, but that also helps them know that they still have that great safety net as they learn to explore…

Thanks for your insights Dave! Please check out Dave’s Attachment Parenting Blog for more on his great kids and his journey as a single Dad.

Maintaining Attachment Parenting As They Grow & Become Big Siblings…

My 20-month-old daughter is very easy to parent. Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. She’s aptly-nicknamed “Aurora the Destroyer” for her desire to explore and investigate, and her physical and mental abilities to not only climb to higher places, but figure out how to position things to climb to even higher places. But her needs, those are still simple. In her universe, most problems are still limited to being hungry, tired, dry, or bored, and most solutions are limited to food, a diaper or a breast.

My son Rowan, on the other hand, will be 7 in April, and he’s the one I struggle with. As a toddler, he was less physically draining but much more emotional than his sister, and that’s carried on into childhood. To compound things, he is in first grade with a less-than-emotionally respectful teacher, he’s a big brother, and I work from home as well. And of course, with age comes much more complex problems, and naturally, more complex solutions. With his emotional tendencies also comes some emotional outbursts — from him and me.

Being an Attachment Parent to babies and toddlers is very simple, and logically, you’re setting the groundwork then for childhood and adolescence, but maintaining the same relationship gets tougher and tougher. As we know, you can never be perfect at parenting — as your child always grows and changes, your parenting does as well. With a toddler, a job, and an upcoming move, I often feel like my changes as a parent, my growth alongside his has fallen behind, and we’re butting heads and struggling more with maintaining positive discipline and respect, both towards him and from him.

However, every time I start thinking, “What have I done wrong? Did I break our relationship?” I also stop and think, “What am I DOING wrong?” Then, the basics become clear again. Regardless of age, some things still stand true:

1. You have to stop and listen to their needs. The more distanced you are from them, the more complicated figuring them out will be. Also, the bigger they are, the more aware they are of whether or not you’re really listening and caring. Sometimes you’re going to need to have someone remove the little sibling from the room or wait for a nap so your child can really know all the attention is on them, and only them. But of course, as long as you follow through, nothing is wrong with letting your child know you need to wait until ___ time, and then you’ll sit down and talk.

2. You have to accept that you aren’t always going to be perfect… and neither are they. Sometimes you’re going to suck. Sometimes you will be really distracted, concentrating hard on something, and will say something in a less-than-ideal manner… and chances are, your kid will respond in kind. A very important lesson for you to learn is that there’s no erasing mistakes, but there’s learning from them. In fact, almost as important as what you do the first time is how you handle things when you’re patching them up.

3. Remember the behavior is only a symptom. Just like with infants, you still need to remember that they did whatever they did, or didn’t do, for a reason, and that’s what you need to figure out. Getting down at their level, with a sympathetic face and tone, is very important, but so is respecting when they’re not ready to talk. Nothing irritated me more as a child than trying to walk away so I could calm down and being followed, which leads me to…

4. Respect their autonomy. Allowing children to have a space that’s theirs, and letting them have it as somewhere they can request to be alone is invaluable. If you’ve been respectful and open and available with your child, they’ll start becoming independent all on their own, and with that comes the request for certain autonomy, like being able to have a space of their own that a sibling can’t destroy. If Rowan is annoyed with Aurora, he knows his room is a place he can do things without her interference.

5. Try to make as much time just for them. This one is particularly difficult in my household as childcare isn’t readily available or desirable for us, but even just playing a game with my son while she’s napping or nursing can make all the difference.

Overall, the general mantra is: Be patient, be present and be respectful. Life can really start making things difficult, but the longer you let the distance grow, the worse things will get. Taking the time, even when you feel you don’t have it, so close that gap again is so, so important.

What do you feel is most important when dealing with older children?