attachment parenting – Page 24

Editor’s Pick: AP Month on “Flourishing Parents”

“Are your children flourishing? Are you flourishing?”~ “Children Flourishing” on AP Month 2014

These are poignant questions, particularly the second one.

I think we, as parents, often ask ourselves whether we feel our children are doing OK. Especially those of us involved in Attachment Parenting (AP) closely monitor this in our children and make adjustments accordingly so that our children can flourish.

But we are less likely to ask ourselves if we are doing OK.

It may be that we assume we are flourishing if our children are. Parenting is so personal, and by our very biology, much of our own self-worth can be tied into how well we feel our children are doing.

It may be that we feel selfish or guilty if we feel that we are not flourishing alongside our children — if we are feeling burnt out, if we feel that our life balance is off.

We may fear that if we take a bit of “me” time that our children will suffer, since they won’t be getting all of our attention.

Because many of us grew up in families that did not practice Attachment Parenting, we are still getting a feel for what a good balance is. Some of us may wish to give our children more attention than we had growing up, and so we may be timid to give ourselves more “me” time because it feels like we may be taking too much.

And it can take a while for parents to feel confident in their parenting approach, so that they are able to feel better about taking “me” time.

Or perhaps your children are at ages or stages that makes it difficult to take “me” time.

There may be another reason why you’re reluctant to make changes so that you feel that you’re flourishing, but balance a critical part of Attachment Parenting. If you’re dealing with burn-out or trying to figure out how to gain more life balance, reading Attachment Parenting International’s Eighth Principle of Parenting: Strive for Personal and Family Balance can give you some ideas to get started on adding more “me” time to your life and start you back on the path of flourishing.

So, how do you know if you and your children are flourishing? Check out the list on AP Month’s “Children Flourishing” post, but here’s one that I think sums it up nicely: “Living on a trajectory of decreasing fear and increasing love in self and others.”

At our cultural tipping point?

By Lysa Parker, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

The magnitude of what we, as an organization, are trying to accomplish in this world is at times so overwhelming and seemingly impossible — but then I remind myself that if Attachment Parenting International (API) doesn’t do the work, then who will?

If we don’t advocate for families and speak loudly and persistently, who will?

The reality is that we cannot do it alone.

I am always inspired when I meet other professionals who take to heart the message of secure attachment and who are implementing and advocating it in their own way within their communities. They alone don’t have a voice strong enough to ensure stable funding or change public policies, but they are making a difference.

On a visit to Sacramento, California (USA), I had the privilege of visiting two Crisis Nurseries. I was so impressed by the love and dedication of the staff for the children they care for and their conscious efforts to make their location as home-like as possible. Most of the families served are low- or one-income families that have few resources or family members to help them out. So if parents need a safe place for their children to stay — whether to see to the doctor or while escaping a domestic violence situation — the Crisis Nurseries are a safe place for them to go. The children that I observed were held, rocked, comforted and loved by their caregivers, and infants were carried in a soft carrier. In addition, the parents can attend weekly classes where they learn to become more attuned to their child’s needs.

The families served know they have an “extended family” or “tribe” who will be available to them both day and night if needed. While it might not be the ideal of a secure attachment-promoting situation for the children, it does provide an immensely valuable service to parents in helping them develop their parenting skills and reducing their day-to-day stressors.

Unique programs, like the Crisis Nurseries, help bolster families when they have no one else to turn to and are an invaluable resource to their communities. Programs like this only support API’s efforts to spread the message about the critical importance of secure attachment.

I think what impressed me the most was knowing that there are many quiet, unsung heroes like those at the Crisis Nurseries — working everyday out in their communities, doing the best they can to support and strengthen families.

Those of you practicing Attachment Parenting (AP) in your homes are also a part of the unsung heroes who are working on making a difference in your own families and in the world. We hear from so many of you who are AP parents and professionals, that you’re sharing API’s mission to friends and fellow colleagues or how you incorporate it into your work.

Each one of us is doing our part, and I truly believe that soon we will reach the “tipping point” in our culture where AP is just the way you raise children. People are ready: They are seeking solutions to the epidemic of violence and abuse in our culture and around the world.

We must begin simply by seeking support for ourselves and providing support to families in need. At the heart of this peaceful style of parenting grows a profound love, a deep sense of connection and compassion that is felt toward each other and our fellow human beings.

That’s the beginnings of world peace.

API post-conference: Who is Kate Frederick?

Kate Frederick.

She wasn’t a speaker at Attachment Parenting International‘s 2014 conference. She wasn’t even in the audience. But her name is stuck in my head.

As a bonus for early conference attendees, API hosted a showing of “The Milky Way” film on the evening before the weekend “Cherished Parents, Flourishing Children” conference at Notre Dame University at the end of September. As an added bonus, the lactation consultants behind the film, Chantal Molnar and Jennifer Davidson, were available for Q&A.

And during that Q&A, the name “Kate Frederick” became part of the conversation.

In the film, Kate’s part was just a brief glimpse of a 2013 newspaper article about a mother being fired from her job for breastfeeding. Her name wasn’t mentioned in the film, just a reference to the many mothers who have been discriminated against because of their choice to breastfeed.

But after several showings of “The Milky Way” film, Chantal and Jennifer received a letter that was different than other notes of support. This one was from Kate, who identified herself as an API member from New Hampshire, USA, and the woman about whom the article featured in the film for maybe a couple seconds is about.

Kate was a child support officer for the state Department of Health and Human Services at the time of her job termination due to failed negotiations with her employer regarding her right to breastfeed and her desire to leave the workplace to breastfeed during breaks.

She is now an event planner and has since founded The Rustik Baby Project, through which she advocates for breastfeeding mothers’ rights. Among her projects is a New Hampshire legislative bill that would provide greater protections to breastfeeding mothers.

It is exciting to think of what Kate’s hard work — borne of a passion ignited because of a low point in her life when she refused to give up on what was her biological right — has the potential to give all of us.

Of course, Kate — like any of us — is just one person. And each person can only do so much. But think about what amazing things all of us working together can do!

Some names, like William Sears or Ina May Gaskin, are household names in our Attachment Parenting (AP) communities. And these AP “celebrities” have done so much for the Attachment Parenting movement. But there are so many people whose names we don’t so readily know, or names we may never know — people who are all doing their own little part in their communities, even if only in their homes, to make the world a more compassionate place for their children and future generations.

Kate Frederick is one of those names that we might not otherwise know, but a person who is doing great things in her own little corner of the world — things that when added up with all of our efforts are changing culture.

Every one of us could be Kate Frederick.

Teens don’t rebel against parents

“I am now convinced that adolescents do not rebel against parents. They only rebel against certain destructive methods of discipline almost universally employed by parents. Turmoil and dissension in families can be the exception, not the rule, when parents learn to substitute a new method of resolving conflicts.” ~ Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon

How do you feel when you read this quote?

It made me reflect upon my own upbringing, and I agree with the statement. I think if I had had more open, respectful communication with my mother, we would have had a better relationship.

I wanted so much for her to trust me as a person and, at the same time, to feel close to her instead of feeling scared and like she was pushing me away.

I look forward to seeing how the teenage years will play out with my daughter and our family, even though it terrifies me to some extent at the same time based on my own memories of those years.

My daughter and I are very close at this point. At age 10, she keeps saying that she wants to stay close to us, even when she becomes an adult. She wants to live in the neighborhood even. We hope that mentality continues.

Editor’s note: Join this and other discussions on Goodreads through the API Reads online book club. You can read along in your own copy of Parent Effectiveness Training, or even if don’t yet have the book, you can follow the discussion and take away bits of parenting ideas to try in your home. Learn more about the API Reads program or join for free directly at Goodreads.

Editor’s Pick: AP Month on “Celebrating Family”

“That’s what Attachment Parenting International is trying to do – to change culture from one that ignores the critical importance of attachment to one that embraces the normality of healthy family relationships, securely attached children and connected communities.” ~ “2014 Conference: Life Giving, Mindful Beginnings” on APtly Said

Having just arrived home from API and Notre Dame University’s 2014 conference in South Bend, Indiana, USA, my head is spinning with all that was shared by researchers and experts in the Attachment Parenting (AP) field.

It was a wonderful way to celebrate API‘s 20th Anniversary with some really special bonus events, like Friday night’s showing of “The Milky Way” film with live Q&A with the lactation consultants who produced the documentary on the U.S. cultural view of breastfeeding support as well as Saturday night’s anniversary celebration reception with Irish music provided by Kennedy’s Kitchen.

I am only sorry that I had to duck out early due to health reasons. But, like many of you, I have been keeping up on the final days of the conference via API’s Facebook page. I would have loved to have been there when George Holden, a psychologist and parenting expert at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, USA, made the comment how “Attachment Parenting International is one of the largest positive parenting organizations in the world.”

For those who were unable to attend the conference — as well as for those who, like me, did attend but were blown away by the amount of really great information — API is planning to release video of the speakers at “Cherishing Parents, Flourishing Children” portion of the conference in a few weeks.

In the mean time, I would like to point you to AP Month. Every year, during the month of October, API and this year’s sponsors — Peter Haiman, Kindred, Ergobaby, Tummy Calm/Colic Calm and Lamaze International — challenge parents to re-examine their daily activities, routines, beliefs, habits and traditions and learn new ways to engage with their children to grow with each other and remain close while promoting opportunities for healthy exploration, individuation and development.

This year’s AP Month, which begins today, centers on the same theme as API’s portion of the 2014 conference: “Cherishing Parents, Flourishing Children.” You can follow along each day of October on 2014 AP Month Calendar.

You can also participate in the 2014 AP Month blogging and photo events, read the research supporting this year’s theme and watch for special activities in other API resources, including here on APtly Said and API’s Facebook page.

Happy Attachment Parenting Month, everyone!

2014 Conference: Life Giving, Mindful Beginnings

“Attachment is not only a benefit to kids but is the gateway, the whole gateway. But its a complicated topic.” ~ Lu Hanessian, API Advisory Board and speaker at the 2014 API Conference

So let’s get the conversation rolling.

I’m here at the 2014 Attachment Parenting International conference, “Pathways to Child Flourishing,” at Notre Dame University in South Bend, Indiana, USA. It is amazing and humbling to be in the presence, the audience, of these speakers. It’s mind blowing.

In the first session, this morning, we heard from Lu Hanessian, author, educator and founder of WYSH; Darcia Narvaez, psychology researcher at Notre Dame and co-coordinator for this conference; Kathy Kendall-Tackett, psychologist and founder of Praeclarus Press; and Lysa Parker, founder of API. Peggy O’Mara, longtime editor of Mothering, founder of Mothering.com and founder of PeggyOMara.com, was unable to come due to the widespread flight cancellations yesterday.

Darcia opened this first session, “Life Giving: Mindful Beginnings,” with a very interesting introduction to her new book, Neurobiology and the Development of Human Morality, particularly the early body-mind co-construction of the infant by caregivers.

She talked about how the human infant is born really 9-18 months too early, compared to other animals. And that for most of our time on earth, secure attachment has been essential to our survival as mankind.

Those survival tools have been: nurturing touch, sensitive response, breastfeeding through toddlerhood, alloparenting (raising children in a community with multiple trusted caregivers), free play (especially with multi-age peer group), positive social support (the feeling of being wanted) and soothing perinatal experiences.

Through these experiences, children developed not only secure attachment and healthy family relationships, but also exceptional right brain development. Well, I shouldn’t say “exceptional,” because in reality, the results of Attachment Parenting are normal.

What is the right brain responsible for? Self-regulation, introsubjectivity and social pleasure, emotional intelligence, empathy beingness, self trancendance, higher consciousness.

And in normal human development, these right-brain features are able to control our brain’s survival systems, which include stress response. For many in Western society, however, as infants, they are exposed to toxic stress such as long-term mother-baby separation or insensitive response. As a response, the brain’s stress response takes over the mind.

“What you’re left with is this very self-protected, easily stressed brain. It changes development,” Darcia continued.

And it changes culture. It’s a closed loop, actually, so that our childrearing practices dictates culture and our culture dictates childrearing. And that’s why much of the Western culture is competitive, self-contained, autonomous and disconnected rather than the connected communities that healthy right brain development promotes.

That’s what Attachment Parenting International is trying to do — to change culture from one that ignores the critical importance of attachment to one that embraces the normality of healthy family relationships, securely attached children and connected communities.

“We’re all trying to get back on track,” as Darcia concluded.

Yes, we are — one family at a time.

2014 Conference: The Milky Way

This has been seven years in the making.

I had seen “The Milky Way” film before during a local 2014 World Breastfeeding Week event. It was powerful then, and it was no less powerful this second time around, here in South Bend, Indiana, USA, at Notre Dame University at the 2014 Attachment Parenting International conference, “Pathways to Child Flourishing.”

This time around, the producers of the film were available for discussion: Chantal Molnar and Jennifer Davidson. And that’s where I learned that it took seven — SEVEN — years for them to make their film, “The Milky Way.” During that time, Attachment Parenting has really come into its own as far as the national conversation goes…here in the United States.

We seem to be at a tipping point. There are so many people — parents and non-parents even, professionals within parent support and beyond — who are joining the Attachment Parenting movement, and the Western culture seems ripe for questioning the status quo.

The purpose behind making “The Milky Way” film is to help change the world. I believe that it could, that it is. It is getting people talking, helping members of Western society to reframe their minds around what’s supposed to be normal about infant development specific to breastfeeding.

It is empowering women to advocate for themselves. And that can change the world, one mother, one baby, at a time.

During the discussion afterwards, audience members — parents just like you and me — had the opportunity to ask questions. There was much discussion about the varying experience levels and approaches to breastfeeding support by lactation professionals, the milk bank movement, what advocacy work is happening that can help working breastfeeding moms, exactly how little medical students learn about breastfeeding in med school and the amazing things that countries beyond the United States — like Germany and Sweden — are doing to promote secure attachment from even before birth.

My husband, after watching the film and attending the discussion at the conference, said we should move from the United States to Sweden. I have to admit, it’s tempting.

It was a great start to the conference.

20 Years of Advocating for Families

By Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, cofounders of Attachment Parenting International and coauthors of Attached at the Heart

We can hardly contain ourselves! Twenty years ago, we had a dream and this anniversary conference at Notre Dame this week is a fulfillment of that dream! This is a rare and exciting opportunity to meet and hear presentations by many of the influential and inspiring pioneers, both past and present, in the fields of attachment, child development and of course Attachment Parenting.

These are the people who influenced us, broadened our vision and helped raise the consciousness of a culture and shape the way we raise our children.

Our conference team has organized a day just for you, and most of the speakers you know and love will present on that day! Here are a few of our personal reflections about some of the speakers and why we know you don’t want to miss them:

Dr. William and Martha Sears… parents, authors, legends that wrote some of the first parenting books on Attachment Parenting. We were first introduced to their books as young mothers in La Leche League back in the early 1980s. Martha was a La Leche League Leader and she and Bill spoke at many state and international LLL conferences for many years. Some of their sons are carrying on their work in their pediatric practice , you can get a pediatric sleep consultant and on national television! Bill serves on the API Advisory Board and Martha sits on the API Board of Directors.
Dr. Isabelle Fox is a retired child psychologist, student of Dr. John Bowlby, author and tireless advocate for babies and young children. She continues to counsel parents on custody issues, focusing on the preverbal child’s need for consistent, predictable, responsive care. She is a member of the API Advisory Board.
Peggy O’Mara is Mothering magazine’s grand dame! Her warm and inspirational writing and articles were a source of great wisdom and comfort to many families for decades. We remember getting our first copies of Mothering when our babies were in arms and devouring each issue like it was manna from heaven! We consider Peggy a dear sister mentoring us from afar… Now her writings will live on in her books, new website and presentations all over the world. She is a member of the API Advisory Board.
Dr. Gabor Maté is a co-author with Dr. Gordon Neufeld of the classic book Hold On to Your Kids, a key API Leader applicant text. He is a gifted speaker who will illuminate us in the social and psychological stresses that children face today.
Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, author, La Leche League Leader, pioneer researcher in the field of maternal depression. Her experience as a mother and breastfeeding advocate have enriched and influenced her field of research in amazing and insightful ways. She is a member of the API Resource Advisory Council and was the Guest Editor of API’s 2013 Journal of Attachment Parenting.
Lu Hanessian, author, educator, TV host, founder of WYSH, is another dear friend and advocate that has served on the API Board of Directors and continues today on the API Advisory Board, now continuing her activism in so many areas, we can’t keep up! As the mother of teenage sons, she’s living in a new world of balancing a very active family and active career. We are blessed to have her moderating all of our panels, as well as contributing from her rich experiences as a true Renaissance woman!
Dr. James McKenna, an anthropologist, researcher, author, professor, speaker and advocate for babies, mothers and fathers. His pioneering work in the field of infant sleep has changed the paradigm for modern parents, helping them understand that our babies come in to this world wired for a safe, protective sleep environment, mandated by the need to be in close proximity to their parents. He is a fearless advocate for truth in research and empowering parents to make their own decisions. He is a member of the API Advisory Board and is the Guest Editor of the 2014 Journal of Attachment Parenting to be released by API later this year.
Dr. Wendy Middlemiss, professor of child development and researcher on early infant stress, will share her research and the work she is pioneering at the University of North Texas. She is the coordinator of the API Research Group.
Dr. Darcia Narvaez, professor of psychology at Notre Dame University, and the catalyst and organizer of this amazing conference, will share her stunning research on the moral development of children and how she discovered Attachment Parenting through her research. She is a member of the API Board of Directors.
Michael Mendizza, filmmaker and author, founder of Touch the Future. We have been hearing of Michael’s work for years, especially in relationship to his amazing archives filming such legends as Dr. Ashley Montagu and Joseph Chilton Pearce. (If you don’t know these names, look them up as you’ll be amazed at their contributions to humanity.) When we met Micheal, we knew we had a met a “brother in the cause,” and his insights will be an amazing contribution to the conference.
Rebecca Thompson, marriage and family therapist, author, speaker and founder of Consciously Parenting Project Community will share her insights and experiences as a mother and professional in her work with families.
Janet Jendron, API Board President! It’s hard to describe the deep friendship and roots we have with Janet that come from our La Leche League (LLL) Leader beginnings. She has always been someone we had hoped and prayed would come on our board, as her experience as a former LLL International board member were invaluable. Her enthusiasm and love for people is an example to us all.
Sir Richard Bowlby Bt is the son of the “Father of Attachment Theory,” the late Dr. John Bowlby. He is an excellent speaker and advocate for his father’s legacy as well as an archivist of some of his father’s early writing and films. We first met Sir Richard at the home of Dr. Isabelle Fox in Los Angeles, California, USA, several years ago and he soon joined the API Advisory Board.

And that’s just the speakers! Put on your dancing shoes, because we will also have a live band with the Kennedy’s Kitchen. Plus, great videos of “Mr. Universe” with comedian Jim Gaffigan (an AP dad who may not know it) and “The Milky Way,” a powerful film about the ongoing breastfeeding movement. Not to mention, there will also be great food, exhibitors and poster sessions!

After our day and a half of API celebration and sessions, Dr. Darcia Narvaez’s program will begin with world-renowned academics, including API Advisory Board member Dr. Bruce Perry, founder of the Child Trauma Academy, as the keynote.

For those of you who have always longed to come face-to-face with other professionals and families in this cultural movement to truly “change the world,” this is your opportunity. Join us!

We hope to see many of you at Notre Dame!