attachment parenting – Page 20

A nod to my husband

Often times it seems — at least to me — that dads don’t get a lot of recognition, especially when their kids are babies. So in honor of my husband’s milestone birthday this month, I thought I’d take a moment to tell the world why he is so invaluable to my children and me:

To my children, he’s their whole world.

He’s their confidante, their tickle monster, their tent builder.

He’s the one they watch for out the window, unable to contain their excitement that he’s home from work.

He’s the strongest role model they could have, providing a constant example of the type of person we should all strive to be.

In his arms, they can find solace unlike any other.

Because of him, they will have a childhood filled with snowball fights and dance parties, board games and movie nights. But more importantly, they will have a childhood filled with unconditional love and security, a childhood that teaches them that all their dreams can become realities.

To me, he’s my best friend.

He’s the one who always takes care of me after I’ve spent the day taking care of the kids.

He’s the one who can make me laugh — really laugh — no matter what.

He provides constant support and encouragement in everything I do, whether it’s Attachment Parenting or pursuing writing.

He’s the provider that gives me the privilege of staying home with our children.

He’s my partner, in life and in love, as we raise our family.

The truth about dads and Attachment Parenting

Like many bedsharing parents, I’ve had conversations where I let people assume my daughter sleeps in a crib.

While I love our family bed, sometimes I just don’t want to get into the details of why I’m not afraid of suffocating my child and when and where I have sex. So I smile and nod when strangers refer to a crib that does not exist.

My husband doesn’t do this. Anyone who assumes our daughter sleeps in her own room gets immediately corrected and, if they question our choice, engaged in a lively debate.

I love this about him. It’s dads like him who break down misconceptions about Attachment Parenting (AP) and gender.

One of the most common criticisms of Attachment Parenting is that it undermines women’s place in society by demanding too much of mothers, forcing them to abandon any interests and identity outside of motherhood. But women who self-identify as feminists are more likely to practice Attachment Parenting than women who identify as non-feminist. The disconnect between criticism and reality comes from critics’ own assumptions about AP families: They assume Mom is doing it all.

Enter the AP Dad.

Maybe he is feeding the baby a bottle of pumped breast milk, with love and respect of course, while mom is at work. Maybe he’s running errands with an infant cuddled up to him in a sling. Or maybe he’s snuggling up with a toddler in bed at the end of the day.

When Mom is out of the house, he’s not “babysitting” — he’s parenting.

The assumption that he’s not, hurts all of us. This misconception about Attachment Parenting leads families away from a parenting approach that may be better for their children. It places undue pressure on mothers through a societal assumption that they are doing all the parenting. And it’s disrespectful to dads who take on their fair share of parenting responsibilities.

Even those of us in families where fathers pull their own parenting weight expect other people to assume that they’re not. As an API Leader, the most common question I’m asked is, if dads are allowed at API Support Groups. Dads need parenting support, too, but the societal expectation that Mom is doing all the parenting is so strong that we hear “parenting support group” and think “mothers’ support group.”

It is within this zeitgeist that my husband is brave for being a proud bedsharing dad. When people hear a man sleeps in a family bed, there’s often an assumption that his wife made him do it, that he was against it and that he’s never going to have sex again.

They discount the possibility that a father-to-be would research parenting options, discuss them with his partner and together they would make a decision on the sleep arrangements that they feel are best for their family.

In reality, this is how almost every family I know operates. The more apparent it becomes that a couple operates as a team, the less Attachment Parenting appears to put an undue burden on mothers.

So be proud, AP Dad! You’ll be helping out AP families everywhere. Plus, you get to end your day with snuggles.

A working mom seeks balance

Editor’s note: This post was originally published on October 7, 2008, but it gives timeless tips to working mothers struggling to feel balanced.

Guest post by Annie, PhD in Parenting

Mommy guilt.

Just about every mother suffers from it, but there is no cure. It seems no matter how much we give, how hard we try, in our own minds it isn’t enough.

Some days I feel like a do a pretty good job of balancing my career, my family and myself. But other days, it feels like I’m falling desperately behind and failing on all three counts.

As a society, I often get the impression that we are slipping behind. That families have less and less time to spend together. It used to be that Sundays were sacred family time, and now some people work Sundays while others use it to get chores done. It used to be that mom was waiting at home with freshly baked cookies when the kids hopped off the school bus, and now kids are in after-school care programs while waiting for Mommy or Daddy to finish the work day and hurry off to collect the kids. But according to an article in the Washington Post, maybe we’re not doing as badly as we think:

In 1965, mothers spent 10.2 hours a week tending primarily to their children — feeding them, reading with them or playing games, for example — according to the study’s analysis of detailed time diaries kept by thousands of Americans. That number dipped in the 1970s and 1980s, rose in the 1990s and now is higher than ever, at nearly 14.1 hours a week.

So if we are spending more time than ever with our kids, why do we still feel so unbalanced? Why do we all feel like we’re not doing enough with our kids — or at work, or for ourselves?

I think part of it is that society tells us we need to achieve balance. We need to spend quality time with our kids. We need to get recognized and promoted at work. We need to be perfect wives. And we need to carve out time for ourselves. If we fail on any of those fronts, the guilt starts again.

I haven’t found a perfect solution, but I’ve learned a few things along the way that make it easier, that make me feel like I’m progressing in finding that balance and in particular in being more present for my kids, which is the most important element of the balance for me:

Finding a new job — When my son was born, I decided that I couldn’t let someone else set my priorities any more. So I started my own business, where I get to decide how to balance my family and my clients, I decide how much work to take on and I decide when enough is enough.
Taking advantage of the time we do have — There are things that are part of our daily routine where I could shut my kids out, but where possible, I try to bring them in. My son likes to help me bake and cook, so I try to get him involved in meal preparation. It helps him learn how to get around a kitchen and also gives us some extra special time together. I drive my son to school each day and pick him up, a total of about an hour in the car together each day. We have developed a repertoire of games and conversations that we have, and I really cherish this time. Instead of leaving my daughter at home with my husband while I do the grocery shopping, I take her with me and talk to her as we go through the aisles. Sometimes it makes these tasks take a little longer and makes it more hectic, but I think it is worth it in the end.
Cosleeping — I have heard so many working parents complain about how little time they have with their kids during the week. Some parents arrive home from work at 6 p.m. and have their little ones in bed by 7 p.m. We do manage to sneak in more than an hour of time together in the evenings. Usually I end up having close to three hours with my kids at home before bedtime. But being together doesn’t end there. I share a bed with one or the other of my kids every night. I find this time to be an essential way of staying close, even when we can’t spend as much waking time together as we would like. As I sit here and type, my daughter is sleeping on a boppy pillow on my lap.
Planning dates with my kids — I try to set aside some special dates with my kids. Sometimes my husband brings my daughter in to meet me for lunch. Every once in a while my son and I go out for an early dinner after school before going home. On weekends, I try to carve off half days to go out and do special activities like a walk or a visit to a museum with one or both of the kids. In the summer, I take Mondays off and often spend the day out and about with one kid or the other, going to the park, stopping at a cafe for a snack, visiting the bookstore, having an ice cream, etc. When we just stay home and hang out, we do get some time together but that is often combined with doing the laundry, checking e-mail, cooking meals, cleaning up and all the other things that get in the way of focusing on each other, and we definitely have no time for this and want to do other activities like going out, we better get the Cleaning Services Edmonton to help us with chores and have more time for other activities.
Reading, reading and reading some more — Reading is a way of sharing stories and ideas. Reading promotes literacy. Reading lets parents and children bond and gives them a stepping off point to discuss feelings and topics of importance, to develop hobbies, to laugh together. We read to our kids every day and even when everything else is falling apart, I try to keep this as a constant. We have books everywhere in the house. We have books in the car. We have books in the diaper bag. Anywhere we go, we have books.
Accepting less than perfect in other areas of life — I’m lucky to have a husband that helps out a lot around the house. He is a stay-at-home dad and he has also taken on a lot of the household chores. But among the chores that we share or that I do, I’ve accepted that I don’t need to be perfect all of the time. Sometimes I get my daughter and I dressed all week out of an unfolded and unsorted hamper of clean clothes. Often I pay the bills once per month, rather than paying them as they arrive or paying them at the “best” time as per due dates and interest rates. I started out making my own baby food, but then gave up and went for store-bought instead. My hair looks better when blow dried, but except on the coldest winter days or the most special events, I leave the house with wet hair.
Striving for balance over time, not every day — I work really hard at some times of the year, often working several hours at night after the kids are in bed, but I also take almost two months of vacation each year that I spend exclusively with my kids. Sometimes I take a night to go out with friends, but at other times if my kids need me, I may have to put social activities on hold. Some weekends I need to work, and sometimes I take a long weekend so that I can focus on family. If I try to achieve perfect balance each day, I will fail. But if I let things work themselves out over time, I may have a fighting chance.

All that to say that I don’t have the cure for mommy guilt. Not even close. But I’ve discovered a few tricks that help me give my kids more presence within the constraints of our ever busy lives. What tricks have you discovered to spend more quality time with your kids while maintaining your career?

The truth shall not only set you free…

It will hopefully save you and make a difference for someone else.

As children, we do our best to navigate through this world with the guidance and support of our parents and/or loved ones. As parents, we give all of our love and do our best to nurture and guide our children.

It was through my reflection of the experiences I had as a child that I clearly envisioned the parent I would become upon giving birth. My natural instinct to follow Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting, which I didn’t even know had names until years later, aligned with what we call Attachment Parenting today. Here is a glimpse into part of what I believe truly makes a difference each day as a parent and how so much of what we experience, from the moment we are born, becomes part of our foundation:

Fourteen days ago, I was painfully aching over the well-being of my little sister whom I love more than I can express. Fourteen days ago, she made a brave decision to save herself by asking for help. Fourteen days ago, she was given another chance to live. Fourteen days ago, I saw hope for the first time in many years.

On New Year’s Day, she unequivocally shared her reality through greetings and wishes, via Facebook…from Palm Springs rehab and it went amazing, they helped me a lot.

I couldn’t be more proud of her uninhibited proclamation or her courage. When we last saw each other, we both expressed a need to share truth in order to relate and connect with others.

Not many truly know the pain or challenges we each endure throughout our lives. We are all simply trying to find our way, and we’re fortunate if we connect with someone, anyone, who hears us or truly “gets” us.

Even then, it still may feel like we’re alone a lot of the time. We may isolate and believe that isolation is the best and only option. It isn’t.

I am so thankful my sister reached out to all of us. I am so happy to witness the outpouring of love and support she is receiving from everyone.

My sister and I grew up in the same home, yet our experiences were very different. When our parents began their lengthy, heart-rending, grievous dance toward divorce, it took many years with much instability and left my brothers, my sister and me with unanswered questions and doubts about our place in this world. The anguish and uncertainty manifested in different ways for each of us, and still does.

As I witness others, including myself, suffering from residual damage leftover from childhood, I am constantly reminded how important and necessary it is to candidly express and connect in order to be heard in some way…even if it’s only to hear our own thoughts and voices clearly.

I have always walked through my life with compassion and love in my heart. I profoundly experience what others feel as we briefly cross paths in this precious life. I am touched by your joy. I am saddened by your despair. I relate to your longing. I want you to know I hear you. I see you. I feel you. As I pass you on the street, as we make eye contact for one second in time, as we come together for reasons we may or may not understand, as we detach and reconnect…I am grateful for my existence. I am grateful for yours.

My sister and I have always shared a deep desire and need to seek out the meaning of life and our purpose here. We’ve traveled different paths along the way, and various answers have been revealed over the years. One thread that always seems to weave through it all is a common yearning for the few simple things I always speak of: To be heard, to be understood, to be loved.

As I go through each day, it becomes clearer that these needs form the basis of our relationships and all of the choices we make in our lives, and whether or not these needs get fulfilled, dictates the outcomes. We were all born with this awareness and longing, and as adults, we can powerfully shift direction for the next generations. We can be positive examples by listening with patience and by accepting and loving people for who they truly are.

We will undoubtedly have our flaws. We will most certainly make mistakes. We are still and always worthy of love.

As I often say and will continue to do so, listening is loving. If you listen without judgment, you will hear what someone so desperately wants and needs you to hear. If we were all truly heard and understood from birth, life would be a very different experience.

There are many things we may keep locked up. There are many things we may believe no one understands. There are many times we may feel alone. If we can be the person who takes the time to listen and understand another, we will make a difference in that person’s life. If you take the time to look into my eyes and hear me, you will make a difference in mine.

My wish for each of us is to believe that with love and support, anything is possible. We may have our stories, our beliefs, our fears, our truth. We may believe we have a right to our resentments, our anger, our strong-hold grip on what we cannot or will not let go of. We have a right to all of it. It is ours. What is also ours, is the choice to be love. To act with love. To open ourselves up to receiving love. To letting go. To moving forward. To living and appreciating each and every breath we take.

Another year has passed. Although I am intensely present to each moment, it still goes by too quickly. Through the challenging times, the magical moments and the many phases of change, I am thankful for the growth, a new day and the gift of being surrounded by the greatest loves of my life.

I wish you all a healthy, loving, inspiring and miraculous New Year.

How do you cosleep?

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) advocates for a parenting approach rooted solidly in research, and continuing research further validates and builds upon API’s foundation. API is excited to collaborate with Salem State University in the development of this opportunity for AP parents to share how they practice Attachment Parenting (AP) in their home, specifically regarding cosleeping:

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

I have been involved in Attachment Parenting research for many years, both as a practitioner and as a researcher.

I am currently conducting a study about families who are continuing to cosleep with children at a variety of ages and may either be considering transitioning the child to their own bed or room, or have already gone through this transition.

I would also like to hear from parents who can’t imagine this as of yet or even ever.

As such, please complete the survey and share the link with others who may be interested. Access the survey link through the API Forum. (You will need to use your forum login; if you don’t have one, it’s free to join.)

The survey is a little bit long at 41 questions, but this information hasn’t been collected anywhere, so it would be great to have it out there!

This study has been approved by Salem State University’s IRB.

I may be reached at pmiller@salemstate.edu with any questions. I would love hearing from you!

Thank you very much,

Patti Miller, Salem State University

Giving thanks through presence and connection

I am grateful to be an Attachment Parent.

I don’t feel that we need to be labeled in order to define our type of parenting; however, being a part of a community with like-minded parents reminds me that I am not alone.

Yes, we are all different. We all choose to parent differently. The families we come from and the families we are raising conjure up many things around the holiday season. At least for me.

My favorite time of year is upon us, and yet, so much about it feels different. We spent Thanksgiving as a small group, and the missing pieces magnified the reality of what family looks like and what it has evolved into over time.

We all define and experience family differently.

As we come into this world, we are innocent, wide-eyed and unsuspicious. The world is uncontaminated, and our canvases are bare. We don’t know anything about pain, resentment, sadness, loss, judgement, hate. We don’t know what a label is or why anyone must define us by one. We come into this world needing and seeking a few simple things. We want to be loved, nurtured and heard.

We spend our lives wanting and needing to be heard and understood.

From the moment we first lay eyes upon our mother’s face, we feel we belong. We feel safe. We are home. From that point forward, through each experience, through all the light, through all the darkness, the ways in which we experience love and family evolve and take on lives of their own.

Decisions are made for us, separations disconnect us, rules and regulations attempt to govern us, facades deceive us, and choices divide us. Love runs through, and yet, something always seems to be missing. As we grow into adults, the need to be heard only grows stronger. We are often misunderstood and those feelings we are left with emerge into deeper cries for answers, for clarity, for truth.

Our innocence shifts at a certain point as we are exposed to the sometimes harsh realities of the world. Something happened, and we no longer felt good enough. Something else happened, and we thought we needed to be something or someone else in order to gain acceptance. We thought we needed to please and obey and squeeze ourselves into molds that the masses set before us. If you stray from that, you are different, you are weird, you are wrong.

Yes, this is what we are told and led to believe by the people who simply can’t bear the fact that we are not conforming to what makes everyone else comfortable. You are out of place, and you are displacing the system. Please get back in the queue and follow the leader, they say.

Although I never allowed myself to succumb to society’s desperate plight to mass-produce me, I was still greatly affected. I still am affected, and I know that this contributes to my quest for what this life is all about on a daily basis. Human, honest, loving, kind and meaningful connection is all I’ve ever wanted. It’s what I am most open to and in search of. In my journey through this life, thus far, I can tell you that it is through presence and connection that I experience the purest and truest love.

I am often discouraged by the highly opinionated, judgmental, divided, jump-on-the-Twitter-trend bandwagon mentality we are surrounded by. I find it difficult to even hear my own voice through all of the noise. I find it difficult to remain centered as I witness the constant debates telling you what’s right and wrong, black and white, acceptable and unacceptable. If we allow, the social media machines will infiltrate our lives with more stimulation than we can possibly process, and our connections to ourselves and those around us will be left with mere shadows and caricatures of who and what they once were.

Much research is taking place in the world of psychology and how it pertains to social media. In addition, many opinions are being shared these days, revealing narcissism as an epidemic based on those seeking acceptance via likes and feedback as they broadcast their points of view and selfies through the social network media megaphone.

I find it sad, even if data reveals it’s accuracy, that the Millennial Generation — although I don’t feel it’s limited to them — is now being labeled in this way, which only further instills the deep-seated insecurity and underlying feelings of inadequacy that so many of us struggle with.

The internet provides a stage and an audience at our daily disposal. Sadly, the constant need to be seen as the best, and the portrayal of a life that others envy and dream of, is a full-time job for many. Not much is private anymore, and nothing can really shock us. The praise and approval one thinks they are seeking often lead to emptiness and more insecurity.

This cycle continues, masked in a different face, and breeds more of what most of us struggled with growing up. We’re still working through the disharmony of it all.

There are certainly many benefits to social media. I just feel we need to take the time to encourage our youth to connect to what is true and real around us and allow for our own minds and voices to be clear amongst it all.

I love my boys with all of my heart. I am present to them, to their needs and to who they truly are as individuals and human beings. It is this presence that allows me to support, guide and nurture them along the paths they are meant to pave in their own lives. We spend a lot of time in nature, and it is there that I find we all gain the best education and connection with ourselves. We love exploring. We love adventures. Their imaginations are endless. We are free.

I believe it is every human’s right to be given the freedom to be themselves — to fully express and shine as their unique being, whatever that looks like. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are you.

I choose to exist in a world where personal relating and human connection are more prevalent than the fabricated, manufactured images we mistake for reality.

I sat down to write a piece about the holidays and what I am thankful for. This is what came out.

I believe the holidays can be a time of wonderful joy and togetherness, and they can also magnify the imperfections within your own family and the world around us. I am filled with love and gratitude, yet the lack of unity saddens me. It triggers the facts of my existence and inspires me to initiate change again. I wish things were different in certain areas. I wish we were all closer.

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my husband and the greatest gift and honor of being a mother to our two sons. I am thankful for the food I eat and the roof over my head. I am thankful for my health and each breath I take. I am thankful for the depth of love and compassion I feel and am connected to. I am thankful to be a source of love for others. I am thankful for the service my family and I provide to those in need.

I am thankful for connection and for the many advantages the internet provides us with each day. Through this medium, I am able to relate openly and honestly. As I often say: When you hear me, I feel understood. I feel connected to the world. I believe this is all any of us want.

The name-calling, the labels, the fear instilled upon us, the animosity. Through it all, we will only grow stronger and continue to evolve into who and what we are meant to. I choose love and truth. Today and always.

Wishing you a delightful and compassionate holiday season.

Strengthening AP marriages

By Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson, cofounders of Attachment Parenting International (API) and coauthors of Attached at the Heart

“Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship will find parenting to be an added stressor, not necessarily the blessing that solves all their problems.” ~ Attached at the Heart by Lysa Parker & Barbara Nicholson

In Attached at the Heart, we talk about Jay Belsky’s research on the transition to parenthood and how incredibly difficult it can be for couples, even couples who are strong in their relationships.

The transition to parenting is stressful in itself as new parents adjust to a new baby, and only intensifies issues in weak relationships.

Belsky’s research has found common areas of conflict in marriages, most notably money, household chores, work, social life and the couple relationship. Add to that: childhood wounds that emerge under stress.

Regardless of parenting choices, marriages or committed couple relationships can be put to severe tests if both parents cannot agree. We would add that additional stress on marriages can also come from parents and in-laws who may be critical of your choices.

We know all too well that to choose Attachment Parenting (AP) is not the easy road in our society. It’s not easy, because it goes against a tidal wave of generations of cultural beliefs and myths. It’s not easy, because it causes many of us to face certain realities of our own childhood experiences in order to help us become better parents.

At the same time, this experience can be freeing and empowering to be awakened and to make a conscious decision about changing family legacies and making a difference in the world.

For parents who have themselves experienced abuse, it can be very difficult to feel confident about doing things differently than their parents because they didn’t have positive role models. That’s why our local API Support Groups are so important — to provide not only education and support but modeling by more experienced AP parents.

It’s no one’s business why any person decides to get divorced. In any divorce situation, what must be the highest priority is the physical and emotional welfare of the children. All children deserve both parents involved in their lives, and it takes conscious effort and commitment.

Marriage, like child rearing, takes effort to educate oneself, to seek out resources and to find professional help if needed. There are so many great resources available now for couples and we have included some that we know and trust:

Warning Signs

A good reminder for couples is to be aware of Dr. John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that have been found to lead to divorce. If you recognize yourself, then it’s time to get professional help:

Criticizing each other

Contempt (feeling disgusted or fed up)

Defensiveness (making excuses)

Stonewalling (when one spouse shuts down emotionally).

Strong Family Characteristics

In 1985, Stinnett & DeFrain published the results of an extensive research project designed to learn more about the characteristics that were associated with strong families (Secrets of Strong Families, NY: Berkley Books). They identified 3,000 strong families throughout the United States and conducted extensive interviews with family members. The families represented a true cross-section of the population on many dimensions. After careful analysis, they determined there were six primary features that strong families have in common:

Commitment – Family members were committed to their relationships and to helping each member grow as an individual.

Appreciation – Family members frequently told and showed each other that they appreciated each other, and they were able to be specific about the things they expressed.

Communication – These families used good communication skills, and they communicated frequently with each other.

Fun Time Together – Strong families made time together a priority, and some of that time was spent doing enjoyable, fun things.

Spiritual Wellness – Whether it was involvement in their own respective religious groups or involvement in inspirational activities such as deep appreciation of nature or music, strong families reported that their spirituality helped them keep perspective on the day-to-day stresses.

Coping Ability – When these families encountered tough times, they found a way to pull together and support each other rather than being fragmented by crises.

Relationship Therapy

Counseling for your relationship can make a world of difference, in times of trouble and for prevention, too. There are three schools of marriage counseling therapy compatible with Attachment Parenting, so you’ll want to make sure your counselor is accredited with one of these programs: Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy. The API Marriage Resources page offers more information on these programs and what type of questions to ask before engaging a therapist.

For example, if you are struggling in your relationship, you can find out if there is an Imago therapist in your area. Imago focuses on couple communication using a specific dialogue technique and addresses possible adult attachment issues that often interfere with intimacy and expression of feelings, a perfect complement to the Attachment Parenting approach. This program has helped many couples preserve their marriage when they felt on the edge of divorce.

An easy — and inexpensive — way to get started is for both parents to read the book Getting the Love You Want by Imago’s founders Dr. Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, and discuss each chapter as you go along. That alone can awaken awareness.

Be sure to see what’s available and what serves your family best.

Strengthening Communication Skills

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is another great way to help couples develop better communication and understanding of individual needs and feelings. After attending many workshops and being involved on a personal level with NVC, we have learned just how illiterate most of us are when it comes to knowing what our needs are, let alone identifying them with the correct words.

Striving for Balance

Remember API’s Eight Principles of Parenting includes Striving for Personal and Family Balance. It is critical not only for preserving relationships, but for our own personal health and well-being.

Our couple relationship is extremely important, and it’s important to not neglect it. Mothers especially can easily become consumed with caring for the children to the exclusion of themselves and their partners — we’ve been there — and it’s not healthy for anyone. A strong AP support network will make it easier to share caregiving, if needed, so you can focus on your relationship.

Divorce is an extremely difficult decision for any family. While our culture remains content on labeling, judging and criticizing, let’s stay focused on what’s important in strengthening our marriages and family relationships to create a culture of empathy, support and peace for our children.

Reflections of AP fatherhood

By Jim Parker

First, let me give you a little background on how I was raised, so you will have some idea why I believe Attachment Parenting (AP) has spared my family from another generation of physical and verbal abuse.

It gives me pause to consider the upbringing of this Texas latchkey kid, who was thrust into daily chaos with an absent, alcoholic father, a workaholic mother and an older, controlling sister. Are you getting the picture?

Though my mom was the primary caregiver, she had to work long hours to compensate for my father spending our rent and food money on his bad habits. She was exhausted most of the time, and it seemed my sister and I were more of an inconvenience to her at the end of the day.

In spite of all that, we must have had enough nurturing to instill a sense of right from wrong and to feel compassion for others. Fortunately, neither my sister nor I became career criminals.

Mom was raised with a razor strap and perpetuated her parenting model with us. Somewhere along the way, my sister reluctantly had to take over as primary caregiver. She was only 17 months older than I was and was usually angry and abusive to her little brother, who constantly sought love, attention and validation. As we grew to school age, she ignored me at school and told me she would deny it if I told anyone she was my sister.

That sounds humorous and fairly typical to most of you who have brothers or sisters, but to me it was a kick in the stomach. Had I had some stability at home–with someone–it may not have been so hurtful, but it was just another abandonment issue for me to deal with.

I was a performing musician when I met and fell in love with Lysa, who would eventually co-found Attachment Parenting International (API) with Barbara Nicholson, who together coauthored Attached at the Heart.

Our first son, Jesse, was about 2 years old when I began traveling on the road for long periods of time. He loved coming to the big bus to see where Daddy slept and to say goodbye.

One night, the band was in Fort Worth, Texas, USA, when I called home to say hello. When I told him I was bringing him a surprise, he tearfully exclaimed, “I don’t want a surprise. I want you!” That was the moment when I truly understood the purpose of Attachment Parenting.

Since I had had little interaction with my own father, I was taken aback by his need for me, having blocked the need for my own father out of necessity. It was at that moment when everything in the universe was altered that allowed me to be the father I never had.

Within a year, I was a full-time real estate agent with a good opportunity to start being a father who could be home every day. As the children grew older, I showed property during the day and made it a point to be there when the boys came home from school. I didn’t want them to feel the emptiness that I had experienced, with no one to talk to about their exciting moments of the day.

My propensities to spank and verbally abuse were very strong due to my upbringing. It was a struggle to stop the urge to lash out as we had done in my family. Even today, as an adult, the slightest irritation can sometimes thrust me into “fight or flight” because of how I was treated by my family when I was an innocent, needy child.

I realized what terrible effects this had on me as a child. I understood that verbal and physical abuse is not the way to make a positive impression on a tender psyche. Yet only through my loving wife’s persistence, learning from her work with API and many years of teaching special education, have I been able to work through some of my issues to be a more loving, nurturing father.

I have to admit, I was a little resistant to Attachment Parenting at first, especially when it came to sharing our bed. However, I trusted my wife’s instincts and surrendered. Now I wouldn’t trade a thing for all the wonderful memories we have of our children sleeping with us.

I have seen the results of Attachment Parenting first hand. Attachment Parenting has been critically important in helping me develop strong emotional bonds with my sons. Because of those strong bonds, I learned a more empathic way of disciplining that doesn’t require yelling or hitting.

Attachment Parenting has made a profound, positive change in me as a father and a person.

It hurts me to watch how some of my clients interact with their children. I try to model respectful behavior to all children, especially those who receive little respect from their parents. I also make a point of talking about Attachment Parenting every chance I get. In some small way, I know I’m making a difference.