APtly Said

Pandemics, natural disasters, trauma…these can all turn family life upside-down. Learn more on how to parent during times of stress with this whole series from Dr. Kate Green: Introduction, Infants and Toddlers, Ages 3-5, Ages 6-12, and Ages 13+.

Children at this age are even more perceptive to absorbing what is being said on the news, on social media (either their own or reading over our shoulder), and hearing ALL conversations we have. They are becoming less egocentric than preschoolers (focused on the self) and now may start to worry not only about their own health but also that of parents and grandparents etc. It still wraps back around to their worries about what would happen to them if we were in hospital or worse and they pick up on this similar anxiety that we may have as a parent. This is the age where we can really start to discuss Plan A and Plan B and engage them in contingency planning so as to reassure them that we have thought this through and they will be just fine (of course we need to actually have done this planning!). Children at this age really do model parental behaviors and so we need to be very cognizant of our responses to the current situation. While the virus is of course impacting our short-term plans and way we live life, we need to also know that our everyday behaviors are teaching children the skills of life. Let’s step back and think about what we want them to learn from this in the bigger picture and then let’s figure out how to model that to them within our family system.

Behaviors we may see–

• Increased difficulty with focus during play or learning.
• Anger or frustration during normally enjoyed activities (throwing Legos down out of anger or ripping up artwork).
• Arguing more than normal.
• Competing for attention from parent or jealousy among siblings.
• Nightmares and clinging at bedtime.
• Bed wetting that wasn’t happening previously.
• Changes in appetite or food choices.
• Regression to early behaviors that have already been learned (suddenly cannot zip up a coat or tie shoes).
• Forgetfulness (having to be asked repeatedly to do things they normally do).
• Withdrawal from friends or siblings.
• Stomach or headaches.

What we can do–

• Tolerance and patience! This can be difficult when you are stressed and worried but following many of these limitations will also help you lower your stress.
• Set gentle limits and boundaries as even during trauma we need to know what is acceptable or not.
• Speak with your child when not in the middle of an argument to set up boundaries. Agree during calm family discussions what the “rules” of the family are.
• Limit exposure to media. Take an active role in what you think is acceptable for your child and what is not. Think about your own exposure as well. Remember that having the news running in the background brings in a constant level of stress that is impacting everyone’s cortisol levels.
• Try to set up boundaries of when you will watch and then what your child will watch.
• Regular exercise and activity (indoor if necessary) can help let off steam. Make it silly and fun. Dancing, animal yoga, obstacle courses, and fun competitions can all let off tension and stress.
• Routines of healthy eating and sleeping are important for everyone. These do not have to be rigid but everyone thrives knowing approximately what the day will entail.
• Provide a range of learning materials that can engage your child. From books to puzzles or clay, it’s fairly easy and inexpensive to strew your home with items to keep children active and engaged. Cook and bake with them. Set out various ingredients to make potions (flour/food coloring/baking soda/cornstarch/vinegar….) after you listen to Harry Potter on audio book and then let them be creative.
• Provide a range of art and creative materials as above but then engage WITH your child. Use those fancy coloring books and pencils. Paint a picture or make a clay pot. Don’t worry about how they look but model that the experience is what makes this fun. Show them it’s simply about being with them and creating rather than the output.
• Use play to prompt them to share and express worries. This is a great time to informally chat about what is happening in the world. Use prompts to help get them started and then just listen.
• Clarify any misconceptions they have by showing them appropriate sites (such as good online sources for how to wash hands) or by finding books about germs/viruses (Magic School Bus is one example).
• Have them participate in household chores with you as again this another opportunity for discussion.
• Promote engagement with family and friends via video.
• Read aloud and listen to audio books.
• Watch shows/movies they would like with them and even engage extended family by video. Is there a series or comedy that you can all start on the TV at the same time with Skype going on via computer? This way grandparents or extended family time can be part of the fun. You can even arrange to make the same snacks to eat or all be in pajamas etc. Use video streaming to your advantage.

Pandemics, natural disasters, trauma…these can all turn family life upside-down. Learn more on how to parent during times of stress with this whole series from Dr. Kate Green: Introduction, Infants and Toddlers, Ages 3-5, Ages 6-12, and Ages 13+.

Adolescents are fully able to comprehend the trauma and what is happening with the virus but that does not mean they are as equipped as adults to understand how to cope with it and to organize their emotions. As parents we need to openly discuss what is happening but still limit exposure to media (obviously easier at age 13 than 18) or help guide them to information that is helpful and clarifying rather than hype and fear mongering. It can be a good chance to increase critical thinking skills and how to search for appropriate information. This is a great time to really pull together as a team and to enlist their help in the entire family’s learning about the situation and what actions to take. They can help teach younger children how to more intensely wash hands, model not touching their face (and remind you about this), be the keeper of hand sanitizer when you go out, and generally be part of the family safety team. Younger children of course should do this as well but by giving more responsibility to your adolescents you let them know you trust them in both their knowledge and competence. This helps grow their self-confidence during traumatic times and allows them to take on a leadership role which can help draw them out of any negative internalizing behaviors that can be manifesting. Sometimes we also have to prompt them to engage such as asking them privately to help you with family game night. Explaining why this is good for their younger siblings and that you need them to help you gives them another chance to take on a leadership role and that responsibility. Of course, we need to model this and be part of the experiences and not hand them off to our teen!

But while we are helping our adolescents take on more adult, leadership roles, we also need to give them time to still be children. Making their favorite early childhood foods for them, giving them back or foot rubs, reading aloud together, coloring together, painting their room, clearing out a closet and having a silly fashion show, watching shows or cartoons enjoyed in childhood, are all ways to let them still be a child and let off stress. Follow their lead on this though as some may want it more than others and again the differences in ages 13 to 18 can change their response.

Behaviors we may see –

• Physical symptoms such as stomach or headaches or even rashes.
• Sleep disturbances (increased or decreased).
• Changes in diet (increased or decreased).
• Lethargic.
• Inability to concentrate or focus on a task.
• Agitation and short fuse/anger.
• Withdrawal from friends or siblings.
• Forgetfulness.

What we can do—

• Encourage them to speak about their worries but don’t force (natural times to chat are during an activity such as baking, chores, or doing art together).
• Art activities together.
• Board games or family game night.
• Prompt them to play video games online with friends or video chat.
• Household chores with you.
• Routines are helpful and will differ for each family but having some semblance of schedule helps everyone expectations; even if it’s just a general time for family dinner.
• Ask for their help with younger siblings (such as reading or playing with them).
• Giving responsibility and purposefully seeking them out to help you.
• Monitor social media and television viewing not in a punitive way but by discussing how it can increase our stress or have incorrect information. Then MODEL this; lead by your actions and engage them in a plan of how to be a thoughtful consumer of media.
• Share clarifying media and discuss it with them. Show them how to find sensible sources.
• Read aloud together as a family.
• Listen to audio books together.
• Watch shows/movies they would like (be brave and know it’s a short stage) with them and even engage extended family by video. Is there a comedy that you can all start on the TV at the same time with skype going on via computer? This way grandparents or extended family time can be part of the fun. You can even arrange to make the same snacks to eat or all be in pajamas etc. Use video streaming to your advantage.

Not home alone? Many workplaces are responding to the recent COVID-19 virus by cancelling events and requiring employees to work remotely. This usually means working from home and, for many parents, this coincides with daycares and schools sending children home for distance learning, or breaks lasting days or weeks. 

Parents accustomed to a much higher degree of separation of childcare and work may be suddenly faced with multiple challenges at once. Even the most tech-enabled parents may have to learn to work productively and full time in the home environment. Pop-up home offices might require scaling- up to include partners in similar situations and the care and distance learning needs of any young children who are also suddenly telecommuting. Those who are not well must also navigate an evolving healthcare situation.

API has always been a remote workplace predominantly staffed by parents with young children at home. Though every family will have different needs and resources, we can share some of the tips we’ve used over the years. What are some of your best tips? What have you learned? Share your tips and stories!

First Order Tactics

• Childcare. Form a cooperative with neighbors, family, friends and organize care and work. These arrangements can provide the most chunks of focused time. 
• Engage a mother’s helper or other sitter to come for a few hours and help with childcare or chores. 
• Personal productivity tools can be helpful. Productivity has been a booming industry in recent years so you probably have your own tools in place. Import and adapt these to the home office, but recognize that you’ll most likely need to try new things too. The Eisenhower matrix and 7 Habits for Highly Effective People are time-tested and broad enough to help you focus on what’s most important and in the right order. We’ve definitely given up notions of perfecting either. 
• Think of time in chunks. Ninety minute chunks are optimal according to the basic rest-activity cycle (BRAC) that runs in 90 minute cycles.

Daily Tactics: doubling up as employee, office manager + CEO of Homefront Inc. (take that Elon Musk)

• Get up earlier than others. Stretch, exercise, make and drink your coffee, get a bite to eat and have some quiet planning time before the kids are up and things start popping. 
• Get to sleep earlier. First, it’s healthy, second, it sets a good example for the children. Third, if getting up earlier helps you get a good start to the day, you’ll need to go to bed earlier to get enough rest to get up early. And sleep is healthy. 
• Plan some daily outdoor play time with the kids. And join them. These are great work breaks for everyone, especially since much of your time will be online and in possibly stationary. You might find that outdoor time inspires new bursts of creative and energetic work. Consider “walking meetings” if possible. Exercise is brain food and vitamin D is a recommended daily vitamin. 
• Plan your lunches. If your children are old enough, get them to help with menu planning and even making lunch and snacks. This is helpful work they can be proud of. 
• That to do list? Pick three items, maybe. Focus on the most urgent and important. See also the Eisenhower matrix. Recognizing that your standards will need to flex a bit is critical. Limiting office distractions is one thing, learning to focus at home with responsibility for young children is another. Attention shifting decreases productivity, but identifying the challenges gives you the ability to tap into your creativity to navigate new situations on terms that actually work for you. 
• Parallel map your activities with the kids. Teachers and caregivers would ordinarily do this for the kids, but now you’re the one who has to mind their daily structure as well as your own. Finding a way to synchronize your time isn’t always possible, but it’s a good place to start. Schedule your most urgent things and match that with the activities that are likely to keep kids happily occupied during these most intensive work chunks. 
• Plan breaks in your day as natural check-in points or activity transitions. Work in breaks to go outside, go for walks, let them feed you lunch as if in a restaurant, let them treat you to a spa that they’ve created after work. “Pay them back” with storytime or other favorite activities. 
• Have supplies on hand and in accessible places. Don’t have supplies? Improvise with what you DO have. Let your children guide you to things that might be interesting that you never thought of. You still have to set the parameters and make sure it’s safe, but don’t be afraid to rely on or take inspiration from their natural creativity. (You can even reverse engineer creative projects by making up fun things to do with the items you already have on hand.) There are tons of inspiring and easy resources and ideas online. 
• Accept that mess will happen and relax your standards. Make it a goal that the kids (slowly) learn and make progress to incorporate putting things away as a part of their work and play – “done” is when it’s put away and the space returned to original use (except for longer-term projects). Use imaginative and humorous (silly) ways to notice and appreciate every small thing they do in this regard to encourage more of it. “The Queen of the Realm of Playdoh grants a wand tap in appreciation for Max collecting every tiny bit back into its proper rainbow house leaving not a drop for the gobbler to gobble. Ann  receives a wand wave for collecting all of the Realm’s tea cups so the gobber will move on without a tea cup to steal.” 
• Set up activities that are age-appropriate and the kids can manage and help each other with. Can activities be no-cook food? What if they spend the morning making lunch and snacks and helping with dinner prep? (helpfulness and pride of project). Cleaning can be fun with swiffers, brooms, dusting cloths. 
• Set up for imaginative play. Sheets, cushions, forts can be imaginative play and can be sets for grand theaters and performances of song, dance and drama. New stories and tales. Homemade books. Ask them to create, rehearse and perform a show for the family on Friday night.  Record it and send it to friends and family. Encourage friends to do and share too.

Other resources

How Working Parents Can Prepare for Coronavirus Closures

How to Talk to Your Kids about Coronavirus

What are the Rules for Playdates During the Cornoavirus

How to work from home with kids around

Pregnant and Worried about Coronavirus? Experts Weigh In

Thank you, Art Yuen, for putting this together for families! What tips do you have for families? Please share in the comments.