APtly Said – Page 144 – Parenting with Attachment in Mind

Parental Validation

There was a book about a bunny that my mom always used to read to us when we were young. It was about a little bunny being asked by many bunny family members what he wanted to be when he grew up. Did he want to be a fireman? A policeman? A doctor? A vet? The bunny just kept shaking his head, he didn’t want to be any of those things. In the end of the book the little bunny states that he wants to be a daddy bunny.

My adult brain now says to me “that’s it?” but that is not what it said when I was younger. That was the best book ever. The only change I would have made to the book would have been to make it a girl bunny so it could have been me! Somewhere along the line, even though my mom was a stay at home mom and was (is) amazing, I let the “that’s it” mentality sneak in to my head. Continue reading “Parental Validation”

One Body

P2010182 When I was 11 or 12, my mom took me shopping for a new bathing suit. When she suggested a style that was popular at that time, a one-piece tank suit with a large circle cut out on the stomach area, I told her, “I’m too fat too wear one of those.” I have no idea why this particular memory sticks in my head, but I also remember how upset my mom was with what I said. I didn’t understand her distress then, but I certainly understand it now.

Everywhere I look, it seems like there are drastic cases of kids and unhealthy lifestyles. On one side, there are 400 pound teenagers having gastric bypass surgery to save their lives, and on the other side there are skeletal celebrities on TV and 17 Magazine proclaiming, “Get A Smaller Butt By The First Day Of School.”

Although my children are only 5 and 3, I feel like the seeds of discontent with one’s physical self (and by extension, one’s inner self) start to grow early, and I don’t ever intend to stand in the middle of Macy’s and listen to my daughter tell me she’s too fat for a bathing suit.

To drive home the message of how important it is to take care of yourself, I started using a phrase borrowed from my mother-in-law. I once heard her tell my 5 year old that we only get one body in our lives, so you have to take care of it to make it last. In our household, “One Body” has become our catch phrase for everything from eating healthfully to making sure we get enough sleep.

Still, I worry that my children will fall victim to advertising, peer pressure and airbrushed images. It’s my opinion that poor self image will sabotage efforts in everything from grades to relationships, so I’m much more interested in fostering healthy self esteem in my children than I am in teaching my 5 year old how to read.

Some of the things we do to encourage healthy habits are:

We eat dinner as a family almost every night. According to a study at Columbia University, teens who eat dinner with their families six to seven times a week are almost 50 percent more likely to remain substance-free than teens who eat dinner with their families twice a week or less. Teens who eat dinner often with their families are more likely to have better grades, lower stress levels and healthier diets.
When possible, the kids help me prepare dinner, and even if all they did was press the buttons on the microwave, they are more likely to try a food if they “cooked” it.
I frequently take both kids grocery shopping with me, and while we shop, we talk about good foods and how they help keep you healthy. I usually let my 5 year old pick out one or two items to try at home, and it’s interesting to see what he chooses. For example, one day he wanted to buy “junk food” and picked out a box of Fruity Cheerios. Another day he opted for pears and broccoli.
We try to avoid the words “fat,” “skinny,” and “diet” in our conversations.
I try to silence my inner critic and make sure I never say negative things about myself in front of my kids.
We stay active. We try to include physical activities when we do things as a family, such as hiking or ice skating. Weather permitting, I get my kids outside to ride bikes or just wander around the neighborhood frequently. We walk instead of driving places when possible.
I include my kids in my workouts. We do yoga before bedtime. I’m also training for a half marathon later this year, and when I do my outdoor runs, I take my son along on his bike to keep me motivated.
We try to focus not on what we can’t do, but what we can. I might not be able to fit into my jeans from high school, but I can lift 175 pounds on the leg press at the gym. My son can’t dribble a basketball, but he can ride for miles on his bike.
I have been very open with my kids about my diet soda habit and the fact that I’m not happy with it, it’s not a good choice, and that I’m struggling to quit it. I think it’s important for kids to see that adults also struggle with temptation, and the value in trying to do better.
We practice the 80-20 rule. If 80% of what my kids eat and do are healthy choices, I don’t worry about the other 20%, be it watching TV or the hot dogs they eat when grandma comes over.

I think the One Body mantra has been good for me too. We joined a gym last year and while my main goal at that time was to lose a little weight, my whole outlook has changed. I did lose about 9 pounds in the 10 months we’ve been members, but the other changes are much more drastic. I’m sleeping better, feeling better and have more energy. My body looks healthy and strong. And in the kitchen, instead of paying attention to fat grams and calories, my food choices are much more influenced by how that food will make me feel, if it’s a food that will help build up my One Body.

I have years to go before my kids are teenagers, but hopefully the steps we are taking now will teach them to make good choices and take care of their precious bodies.

How about you? What methods do you use to teach your kids about being healthy and what have you found most helpful? Those of you with teenagers, do you feel there is strong pressure for kids to be thin?

Toddler Ten Commandments

My husband, Tom, once remarked that he wished there was some quick and dirty parenting guide. He doesn’t have time to read all of the parenting books after I’m done with them, and he doesn’t particularly like to hear me quote entire passages. Go figure.

His wish is (sometimes) my command, so I set out to make him a list. I went back through several books I’d recently read: Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting, Lieberman’s Emotional Life of the Toddler, Cohen’s Playful Parenting, and half of Aldort’s Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (I’m still finishing that one), and asked for the collective wisdom of my seasoned mama friends. I pared down a 10 page Word doc into a page and a half that I entitled “The Toddler Ten Commandments.”

There are a few corrections I could make to that title: 1) There are actually 14 “commandments” on my list, but ten just has a certain ring to it; 2) The word “toddler” could be removed from the title. Most of these will apply to kiddos of all ages, but that’s where we are in life at the moment; and 3) of course these “commandments” aren’t really that – they are suggestions, and not everyone will like all of them. I compiled them based on our experiences and struggles as parents so far. I welcome your thoughts and input on the list based on your own experiences.

We’ve printed out the Toddler Ten and taped it to our bathroom mirror and a kitchen cabinet. It is nice to have reminders every now and then! So without further ado, I give you the Toddler Ten Commandments. Please click on the links if you’re interested in reading a little more about the ideas presented.

Keep your eye on long-term goals. Toddler “behaviors” will fade; what will remain is how your child feels about himself and his relationship with you, which is based on how you react to those “behaviors.”

Take the child’s perspective. Sure it’s hard to be a parent, but it can be a lot harder to be a kid. We don’t mean to make children feel foolish or unsupported, but that’s just what happens when we trivialize their fears or tears by saying “shhh, you’re ok,” or “don’t be so upset,” etc.

Let your child make his own decisions. Our default position ought to be to let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right. We should be prepared to justify why, in each case, kids shouldn’t be allowed to choose. The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.

Reconsider your requests. Perhaps when your child doesn’t do what you’re demanding, the problem isn’t with the child but with what it is you’re demanding. I’ll give you a fluff example: Kieran (my son) and I were doing a craft last week. I kept suggesting that he cut the pictures, not the paper that he would eventually glue the pictures onto. He kept ignoring me. I realized that I was trying to impose my own vision of his artwork onto what he was doing – so what if he wanted to cut what I thought was the “wrong” thing! This same lesson can hold true in a number of different situations. As long as a child’s safety isn’t at risk, why not stop to reconsider whether you are imposing your own views and experiences onto them.

Remember SALVE:
- (S) Separate yourself and your emotions from your child’s behavior to be sure you’re TRULY about to respond to your child, and not as a result of baggage from your own life/childhood. (If it helps, run through any angry words in your mind, then get rid of them before speaking gently to your child.)
- (A) give your child full, honest Attention;
- (L) fully Listen, be present for your child;
- (V) Validate your child’s feelings without adding your own (“I see you want ___,” “you were disappointed because ____”);
- (E) Empower your child to solve the upset herself. Believe in her; don’t rush to “fix” her.
Don’t say “no” unnecessarily. “Yes” should be our default response, such that you need a good reason not to go along with what’s being proposed, or to step in and forbid something.

Change the way you see behavior. Try to see behavior as “teachable moments” rather than infractions that call for “consequences.” Don’t take behavior personally! A toddler isn’t trying to hurt or inconvenience you or “misbehave.”

Respect your child. We can’t always assume that because we’re more mature, we necessarily have more insight into our children than they have into themselves.

Keep her age in mind.

Stop saying “good job.” Break the habit of saying “good job/sharing!” or “you’re such a great helper!” or “I like the way you . . .” Instead, try:

describing, rather than evaluating (“there’s something new on the people you drew, there are toes”);
explaining the effects of the child’s action on other people (“you set the table, that makes things a lot easier on me while I’m cooking”);
asking, rather than judging (why did you decide to give some of your brownie to Michael when you didn’t have to?”).

Give her undivided attention. Don’t just occupy the same space, interact. It’s easy to feel distracted by emails or bills, and it’s fine to multi-task sometimes, but make sure your child gets a good portion of your total attention so they know how very important they are to you. Give them affection without limit, without reservations, and without excuse. Pay as much attention to them as you can, regardless of mood or circumstance. Let them know you’re delighted to be with them, that you care about them no matter what happens. This basic posture is completely different from praise, which is doled out as a response to something a child does.

Talk less, ask more, and wait. Step back and let your child figure things out. Wait for him to ask you for help. He may not. He may figure it out alone or he may do something else entirely, and that’s o.k.

Talk about appropriate behaviors. Try “please use gentle touches” instead of “stop hitting.”

Enjoy the journey – they grow up too fast. Don’t be in such a hurry!

This post was originally published on Code Name: Mama.

Progression Not Regression

My son is in the middle of a regression. I don’t really know what sent him there but I am thinking it may be the combo effects of another little one being added to the community as well as the fact that he is interacting more and more with my 8 month old niece. Whatever it is that is creating this regression it is beginning to take its toll on mom! My (almost) 20 month old son is suddenly waking multiple times a night, he is whining throughout the day, he has serious separation anxiety, he hollers “MOMA!” every few minutes, he is not eating very well and has begun chewing on his clothes and fingers as well as babbling and sometimes screaming, using mostly baby noises that were no longer part of his every growing vocabulary.

So what has happened to my son? Is this regression or is this just a part of his progression? Now that I think about it labels like “regression” are all over the place, many times when a child acts out or does something out of his normal pattern it is called a regression. According to the dictionary the definition of regression is: “the reversion to a chronologically earlier or less adapted pattern of behavior and feeling.” Now I know for a fact that we are not going backwards in time, my son is never decreasing in intelligence and his feelings are only on the incline, his behavior even though it may seem to be moving to an earlier state is now just a way to communicate in the state that he is in now. Now the work really begins because as his mother I must now realize that my son is progressing to a new stage in his life and it is now necessary for us to both learn ways to deal with things in this new stage. According to the dictionary the definition of progress is: “growth or development; continuous improvement”

I am by no means saying that I have the answers because I still am not completely sure what to do with the fact that “MOMA!” gets hollered every few minutes in my home, that he hardly lets me move several feet from him and that I can’t seem to keep him from chewing on all his clothes right now or that he seems to think that his baby cousin is a pillow or that some days he seems to have completely forgotten how to communicate in any way that I can understand him. The first step for me is to realize that we are not regressing but progressing and that this is just a new stage with new challenges for us both to meet head on! We are both (like the definition states) “growing and developing; continuously improving.”

Jasmine is a co-housing community living mama with a passion for fierce writing she blogs.

Definitions from: www.dictionary.reference.com/browse/regression, www.dictionary.reference.com/browse/progressing

The Conscious Parent

Positive parenting is hard. Why? Because you must be a conscious parent, always. Constantly. All day long. Every minute of every day. Even in the fuzzy gray of those groggy mornings after a night of restless co-sleeping–even when it’s late in the afternoon following a whirling day of no naps and fussy teething–and yes–even when it’s smack dab in the middle of bedtime and you are ready to go to bed much much more than the little one that you are struggling to soothe to sleep. You must be a conscious parent–a calm, gentle, thinking, and strategical parent, even then.

Positive parenting takes work, effort, time, energy, but most of all it takes brain power–lots of it–when you have it the least to give. As our 14 month-old son begins blossoming into a pre-toddler–that neitherland between infanthood and official toddlerhood at the age of two–we are beginning to consciously think about how we are going to handle the challenging behaviors that we know he is bound to exhibit. As we prepare by talking to other parents, reading books and articles, and attending parenting groups, our philosophy on how we are going to navigate through the wily world of throwing, kicking, biting, and tantrums is beginning to take shape.

Hitting, spanking, time outs, raised voices, and bribing with rewards are all routes we know that we do not wish to take. We know that these methods can result in a humiliated, embarrassed, isolated, externally rewarded, and defeated child and will not lead to the kinds of positive outcomes we are ultimately seeking–a confident, internally motivated, emotionally balanced, and secure child and teenager. And we know that it all starts now. We know that creating a child-friendly environment in our home is much healthier than constantly policing a home that has many things that cannot be touched, or that teaching empathy and giving tools to express frustration and anger early can curb a tantrum before it starts. We know that explaining to him now why he cannot do something is much more effective than overusing the scold “no”. Even at such a young age, we know that he is ready to learn from us and that anything but gentle conscious parenting during these challenging times will perhaps train, but not teach, him.

But during the long and fatigued days that are sure to be ahead, we also know that falling back on easier methods of parenting are just plain, well, easier–you don’t have to plan and think and explain. Using negative directives like “no” or “stop it” or “don’t do that” instead of explaining why or offering choices and alternatives obviously takes less effort and brain power. But at what expense? It will be hard to remember, always, that we will need to offer him the best of us so that he can fulfill his utmost potential–whatever he deems that to be. But we must.

Yes, it’s darn difficult raising a human, but, heck, whoever said it would be easy? And, we want a good human–a really good human.

Joni is an attached mom of one. She blogs over at her mommy blog, mama :: milieu, as well as, at her food website for families with hungry children, Feeding Little Foodies.

Three Easy Tricks to Maintaining a Loving and Positive State of Being

To consistently express the nurturing and attentive love that Attachment Parenting is all about is no easy task when you’re out of your mind sleep-deprived, weary of toddler tantrums and stretched to your capacity to care for your family, your house, your work, and maybe — if you’re lucky — yourself. I’ve teetered on burn-out quite a bit over the last several months and was delighted recently to learn some quick tricks for shifting out of my “this is too hard” mindset and into total gratitude for my life and my ability to create something new and magical for myself and my family every day.

Sadie Joy 2 Knowing how well these tricks can work for me during grumpy moments (when I remember to access them), I’m inspired to guide my 3 year-old in giving them a try when she gets emotionally stuck too. I can remind her of how she felt in this picture when her arms were outstretched in pure, unfettered bliss and encourage her to replay this physical state or others that she likes to access the joyful emotions that accompanied them.

As a leader of tropical yoga retreats in Hawaii and Mexico, I’ve researched numerous resorts and retreat centers to find the locations most suitable for the clientele I want to draw. Retreat centers range from the rustic to the luxurious, from mountain to beach settings, and from remote to city center. Below are some considerations for what to look for in your search for the ideal yoga retreat. Click here if you want to find out more about yoga resort and adventure.

Do you want to retreat into yourself or have a social outdoor adventure? Some centers have several groups intermingling at meals, at the pool, dance parties, or are centrally located in a town with street noise, music, etc. Others have space for only one group, or are in remote locations with no cars in sight. Many are in between. I’ve found that even if there are plenty of extra activities offered, one can always choose to abstain, stay quiet, take naps, receive bodywork, etc, as long as the setting is tranquil.

Courtesy of Helen Attridge of Inner Wisdom Coaching, here are three amazing mood shifting strategies.

1) Change your physiology. When you’re angry at life, how does it feel in your body? What do your shoulders do? How do you breathe? What happens to your forehead, your mouth, your jaw….? Now think about your physical state when you’re feeling your favorite emotion. My favorite emotional state is a combination of inspired and secure. When I feel this way, I feel energetic, powerful, open, and tapped into Life. My chest is open versus hunched, my face is bright and content versus scrunched or clenched and my breathing comes easy.

To find the emotional state that matches the physical state, start with the latter. Stretch. Walk outside. Dance. Practice Yoga. Check out this great article from Fit Yoga Magazine posted in Yoga in Tribeca on how to impact the way you think and feel and create through direct manipulation of the body.

2) Check in on your focus and your beliefs in that moment. Last week I received a rejection letter from a company I was really excited about working for and my mind really struggled to stay positive. The thoughts and questions that clouded my head, together with other self-deprecating slams were, “Why is this not happening? and “It’s going to take forever.” Feeling and expressing disappointment is healthy and natural of course. Keeping my mental focus there and maintaining the ridiculous belief that anything takes “forever” would energetically block opportunities, connections and any number of other wonderful things that cross my path.

3) Change the question. If you hear any version of “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I figure this out?” in your head, get conscious of it, recognize that no valuable answer comes from a negatively oriented question, and try asking a different set of questions like:

“What’s next?”
“How can we have fun?”
“What am I grateful for right now?”
“What am I willing to do to create a new reality?”
“How can we make this an amazing adventure?”
“What is perfect about this moment?”
“What am I learning?”

The transformation from Grumperella back to Sweet Loving AP Mama is great!

What tricks do you have for maintaining your ability to provide consistent and loving care when you’re feeling tired or grouchy? I’d love to hear them.

Monica Cravotta lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and two daughters, ages 3 and 1. She blogs at AttachmentMama.com.

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting Blog Carnival

Attention attachment parenting bloggers. The first of the 2010 Attachment Parenting International Principles of Parenting blog carnivals will be posted on February 19, just two weeks away. The February carnival will focus on API’s first Principle of Parenting, Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting. Although the submission deadline for this carnival is still a week away, February 12, I’ve already received a few entries.

If you are interested in submitting a post for the carnival, please have it published on your blog with the following text (including hyperlinks), by the 2/12/10 submission deadline.

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

Continue reading “Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting Blog Carnival”

Trusting Birth

A few days ago I was putting together a letter for the 2010 Trust Birth Conference and it started me on a train of thought that culminated today as I was sitting having the second pedicure of my life at the local beauty school. Let me take you for a little ride.

Most of us know that your bond with your child starts at a very early age, pre-birth actually. They hear you and are able to sense many of your emotions. They can even detect some of your actions. A baby can sense when they are wanted and loved and when they are not.

From the very first moment I wanted my baby and everything to do with baby making to be healthy and holistic. Several people suggested I drink before my wedding night to make things “easier.” My thought was “Why? I want this to be the night that my husband and I become one, where we attach, where we form our life-long bond, why would I want to be anesthetized for something as amazing as this?”
Continue reading “Trusting Birth”