When my son, now 5 1/2, was one year old, he wasn’t pointing or waving. The pediatrician was a little concerned. Developmentally speaking, most children are doing both by a year, and the absence of those skills can be an early sign of autism.
I wasn’t worried though. My child had met or exceeded all his other milestones, was walking well and had no problems communicating. After our appointment, I went home and stewed for a bit because I felt she was being overly cautious and a little alarmist. And when she called a few days later with the results of his lead test, I brought up her concerns.
He wasn’t waving because it wasn’t something he saw very often, since I was a stay home mom and my husband left for work before he woke for the day. Once we made an effort to wave to him and each other, he picked it up easily. And he wasn’t pointing because he didn’t really need to. Anything he needed or wanted was either within reach, or I anticipated his needs, feeding him before he got hungry enough to ask, getting toys before he reached for them.
I was right, his development was fine, but there’s another point illustrated here, and that is that a parent can sometimes be too conscientious. Continue reading “Hands Off Parenting”
Spring is finally coming! And with Spring, fresh ideas are flowing again, somewhat slowly like the sap in the trees but flowing none the less. So to kick off this spring I am going to embark on a mini series of the dangers of so called “baby training” and its effect on the parent/child attachment. This has been something that I have pondered for a while now as I consider parenting styles and how they affect the parent/child relationship. So this is my mini series introduction. Attachment is very important to me and I have seen and felt the effects of the lack of attachment in my life. The damage that it caused has been long lasting but the undoubted benefit of the experience has also reverberated through my life. I have also seen how the effects of well meaning but misguided parents who have either over-indulged and caused attachment problems or have read a book and followed some sort of baby training to the letter. I have seen first hand the difference between babies who are have been parented with attachment in mind and those who have been parented with schedule in mind.
It is not my goal to sound like I am anti-discipline. Actually it is far from it. I am all for polite, disciplined children. No one wants to live with a terror and nobody else wants to spend time with children who are undisciplined. I believe it is a disservice to a child to let them run the entire house because that is not how the world functions. But you can not schedule a child’s temperament and forced discipline is not self-discipline.
So here is the toast to a mini-series. Let’s make it a conversations.
Jasmine is a co-housing community living mama with a passion for fierce writing she blogs.
When I was pregnant with our first baby and I announced my intention to breastfeed, my husband had no opinion of his own about it, but supported me. “Whatever you want to do is fine!”
When that baby was born several months later, he had multiple problems nursing in the beginning, and was a trial to nurse throughout. However, my husband never wavered in his support and help, and avidly listened to every new wondrous thing I learned about breastfeeding.
“Did you know it helps his eyesight?”
“He has less chance of becoming obese because he breastfed!”
“I’m reducing my risk of getting breast cancer!”
He soon became an active supporter of breastfeeding, and offered advice to his friends becoming new dads.
Welcome to the second of the 2010 Attachment Parenting International Blog Carnivals. Today’s carnival focuses on the 1st Principle of Parenting – Feed With Love and Respect.
Here is an excerpt from the 1st Principle:
Feeding a child involves more than providing nutrients; it is an act of love. Whether providing for the very intense hunger needs of a newborn, or serving meals at the family dinner table, parents can use feeding time as an opportunity to strengthen their bonds with their children.
Below is an excerpt from each contributor as well as a link to read the post in its entirety. If you didn’t get a chance to participate this month, join us next month as we celebrate API’s 3rd Principle of Parenting – Respond With Sensitivity. The submission deadline is April 9. Click to find out more about participating in on of API’s monthly parenting blog carnivals.
An acquaintance of mine recently shared a horror story about leaving her five month old baby with a sitter for a few hours. The sitter was auditioning for a role as a permanent nanny, because the mother will return to work soon.
An hour into her outing, the mother started getting text messages from the sitter. The sitter expressed concern that the baby was crying inconsolably.
The mother responded with suggestions on how to help him calm down: walking with him in the sling, rubbing his back, bouncing him gently, giving him a bottle of breastmilk, singing to him.
Her mild feelings of discomfort soon led to the first twinges of panic when she received this text:
“He won’t stop screaming!”
When the sitter texted later that the baby was asleep, the mother felt some relief. Until she went to pick her son up and the sitter admitted “I had to let him cry it out – nothing else worked.” Continue reading “Finding an AP-Friendly Caregiver”
Parenting can bring out some pretty big emotions. Nothing kicks off a debate between adults quicker than the implication that YOUR/THEIR parenting philosophies might be half-baked…or wrong…or questionably legal…or safe. Say one of these words loudly at the mall, at your next family reunion, or at the office get-together: Circumcision. Co-sleeping. Breastfeeding. Spanking.Childbirth. These simple words can evoke so many different feelings depending on who you are talking to: Guilt. Pride. Jealousy. Regret. Joy. Continue reading “Away We Go With Parenting!”
Over the weekend I met with my Personal Renewal Group to discuss this month’s topic: Good is good enough.
I hastily read the chapter the day before our meeting. It did not resonate with me in the slightest, so I skipped all the questions and journaling exercises. The author was talking about her perfectionist attitudes about always wanting more. Never being satisfied with what was already good in her life.
As I sat listening to my friends talk about how they were hard on themselves, I realized I had misinterpreted the chapter.
In the chapter, the author talks about how she was always wanting more, more, more. How she never felt like she had done enough for a client and always thought the next thing would make her life better.
I am not that much of a perfectionist, so I didn’t think the chapter applied to me. I didn’t get it.
What it was saying, as my lovely friends explained to me, was: My good is good enough. If something in my life that I have labeled as good, is good, then all is well with the world.
I realized I needed to define my good enough so that when I’m getting down on myself for not having things as I would like them, I have something to fall back on.
Right now my good enough is just having a good relationship with my child. I have other goals for the future, but right now my goal is to set a secure base for Annika as she grows up.
I forget that sometimes and I get irritated that I can’t get other things done. Sometimes Annika wants sooo much attention, just sending a quick e-mail or cooking an easy dinner can be an hour-long task.
This week Annika has been sick and it’s been like that times 100. The clinging toddler was really starting to get to me.
Then I remembered that I needed to look at what was good today, right now.
Right now I have a good relationship with my daughter. The reason I chose the path I’m on right now is because I wanted that.
My other goals are on my priority list, but I only have a set amount of time to build my daughter up, construct a good relationship with her, and give her a secure base to hold on to when she approaches the world on her own.
So we left the house, and instead of gritting my teeth, I sang a song, I made faces at her in the mirror. I took her to the park. We played and ate. And when she insisted that she did not want to leave the park even though she was bleary-eyed and yawning, instead of getting angry, I held her close and whispered in her ear as I walked quickly to the car. There have been way too many screaming and struggling trips to the car lately.
So what’s my good enough? It’s always changing. I realize that. But for right now, today and tomorrow and the next couple of years, my good enough is to have a thriving and healthy relationship with my daughter. It’s hard for me because I didn’t/don’t have that. I don’t have a good model. So I need constant reminders and I have to read a lot of books to help me along this path.
As she gets older and more independent, I’ll have time for other things.
But for now, that’s my good enough. The rest of the world can wait. Every day when I get up and I spend time with Annika I remind myself that I’m doing this for a reason.
I understand that many of you likely live in an urban area, and so this post may sound a little odd to you. I live in rural Nebraska – smack in the middle of farm country. There aren’t a lot of people here. For example, I drove 250 miles the other day and saw perhaps a dozen cars. I live on the edge of an average-size town, and the population is 450.
We’re used to isolation here. In some ways, it makes attachment parenting easy – not a whole lot of people here to pass criticism; in some ways, it makes attachment parenting hard – not a whole lot of people here to go to for support. The people who are here tend to have the same views, some rather narrow-minded, because there simply aren’t enough people to split into separate interest groups!
But I know there’s a need for AP support here. I get calls here and there, sometimes from parents, sometimes from La Leche League leaders, who want community AP support. Problem is, there aren’t enough people in any one town or even county, or even group of counties, to hold a formal Attachment Parenting International support group. So, I’m faced over and over with the decision, do I try to start a support group here? Continue reading “Attachment Parenting in The Rural Areas”
We’re used to isolation here. In some ways, it makes attachment parenting easy – not a whole lot of people here to