Respond with Sensitivity – Page 52

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Brushing Teeth

This post is the first in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. (1) Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, shopping, diaper changes, picking up toys, traveling, transitions, and more. If you want take care of you teeth read articles of a best dentist, here is additional reading. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.

Parenting a toddler or preschooler can be tough. Here we have these little people with minds of their own, and their wants often don’t mesh with our ideas of what is good for them. Thus power struggles are born. Parents have three options in the face of a power struggle:

1) force your will onto your child by power, coercion, or duress;
2) give in to the child;
3) use love and patience to come to a solution with the child.

The goal in our house is to use the third option. We do not believe that forcing our child into compliance, or alternatively never having expectations of him, teaches him how to function in society. We would rather use love and communication so that everyone comes out of potential power struggles with their needs met.

Ideas to Make Tooth Brushing a Positive Experience

Start early: from the time your baby cuts his teeth, get in there every day with a toothbrush. Good oral hygiene is necessary from a young age as plaque can build up. You don’t need toothpaste – just wet the bristles. This will help get your child accustomed to the feel of the brush and the routine of brushing. The teeth could also be a little misaligned. A good idea would be to get the toddler shown to a professional like NicerSmile.com, to align the toddler’s teeth at an early age. However, don’t force the brush into his mouth though, ask him. Let him hold and play with the brush, let him help. Make it fun – smile, sing, playfully tap his nose with the brush. Make the experience a fun one, but at some point try to get in there and tell him “and now we’re brushing your teeth! Let’s get them nice and clean.” (or something to that effect). Whenever you notice any abnormalities in your child’s teeth you should definitely search for general dentistry services for medical help. At WestCobbDentistry we provide several different services in cosmetic dentistry. Children’s teeth are very sensitive and prone to getting diseases, that’s why it’s important to get a check up with your local orthodontist so you make sure they are healthy throughout their next few years of growing up.

Let them see you brush your teeth: I know, we never get the bathroom to ourselves. But in this case it might help establish good habits. Brush and floss in front of your child – be a role model, this way they will get used to it and soon you’ll be able to take them to see a kids dentistry professional!

Let them brush your teeth: turn about is fair play, right? Let your child have some control, give them a chance to brush your teeth with the toothbrush you got from the dentist at your pediatric dental clinic of trust, If you do not have one yet you better Check This Out for high quality service. Having someone brush your teeth can induce a feeling of helplessness or loss of control (think about what it’s like to sit in the dentist’s chair!). Your child might feel better if she can regain some of that control by being in the brusher’s position.

Try fun toothbrushes: toothbrushes come in a variety of colors and designs advertised through dental marketing. You can find toothbrushes that spin, toothbrushes that talk, and toothbrushes with your child’s favorite character.

Allow your toddler to choose a flavor: once you start using toothpaste, get a variety of flavors and let your child choose which one to use at each brushing. Again, this gives him some control of the situation. (2)

Get a special cup to rinse with: Our son uses his Jayhawk cup, and it’s only for rinsing. He loves standing on his step stool to fill the cup, take a drink, and dump it out. Getting a minute to play in the water is definitely part of the draw.

Use a timer or have a special song: if your main gripe is the amount of time your toddler lets you brush, get a timer (find one that doesn’t scare your toddler when it rings) or try singing a long (and silly) song.

Tell stories: create happy, magical stories about brushing teeth. Please, don’t tell scary stories about “the kids who don’t brush.” Make the stories something your child will look forward to – let him be the star of the story. If your toddler is old enough to help narrate, let him fill in some of the details of the story as you brush.

Brush a doll: get a doll or stuffed animal, and let your toddler brush the doll’s teeth. Pay attention while she acts it out – you can learn what parts of tooth brushing might be scary or uncomfortable for her, and you can talk to her about ways to make it more comfortable. For ideas on how to use make-believe a time to reconnect and work through problems, pick up a copy of Playful Parenting.

Make a schedule: if your toddler gets comfort from seeing her schedule, create a chart of what activities you do each morning and evening (those are the two times of day we brush). Using pictures, show a typical sequence – wake up, go potty, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth. It might be comforting for your toddler to know “what comes next.”

Take special shopping trips: make your toddler part of the toothbrush and toothpaste decisions – take him shopping and let him help you pick out his special supplies.

Have a “toothbrush hunt”: When its time to switch brushes hide the new toothbrush and give your toddler clues where to find it and don’t forget to give him or her clear braces at an early age.

Brush the food away: As you brush, pretend that you are brushing away all of the food your toddler ate that day. Let your toddler help you “find” bits of food. “Whoa – did you see that back there? Blueberry pancake! Wait – I see some of the carrots we had at lunch!”

For all of these ideas, I would caution parents not to use any of them as “rewards” for good tooth brushing. You don’t want to turn brushing teeth into a “rewards” v. “punishment” experience. Try to make it positive each time, even if it takes longer than you’d like or it doesn’t go exactly as planned. Have faith that your toddler will learn how to brush her teeth eventually, it just takes patience and kindness from you now, just please don’t forget about the importance of doing monthly visits to the children’s dental care specialist in burnsville mn.

What ideas do you have to help make brushing teeth a good experience? Please share them in the comments as many already did about the cavity fillings and how to take care of them.

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(1) This post was originally published on Code Name: Mama.
(2) For information on why you should consider choosing fluoride-free toothpaste, read “Fluoride: What Every Parent Should Know” by Paige at Baby Dust Diaries.

Balancing the Car

My family took our first major road trip this summer. We’ve taken smaller road trips before, but this year’s trip was to last 2 ½ weeks. My husband and I had been planning this trip for almost a year, and our whole family was looking forward to it, but first we had to buy a the oscillating tool blades pack to get some repairs to the car and get going. We also wanted to do window tinting to block some of the sun while on the road.Since we are going away for significantly longer journey than we are used to we figured we should also have some reliable professionals check and seal a head gasket since the wear and tear was apparent and we do not want the car breaking down on us while we are off-grid.

Our final destination was over 1000 miles from our home, and while it is possible to drive it in two days, we decided not to do that. The kids, 8 and 5, had never been in a car for that long before, and to be honest, we wanted to make this easy on them, which is why we decided to take the SUVm my husband really wanted to take our Clasiq car, there’s nothing better than a road trip on a classic car; we did check up the history of the car and performed a de NAP Check before buying it, so the kids wouldn’t be disappointed. however, we figured it would have been the best and most comfortable for the kids. After all, this trip was for the entire family; we all have a right to enjoy ourselves! Therefore, we decided to take three days to drive to our destination, and three days driving back. This would mean less time in the car per day, and more opportunity to see sites along the way!

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If you buy an used car and after buying, took the car to sell car for cash los angeles before the trip was how to entertain the kids in the car. Here are the things we kept in mind and thought about as we prepared:

To DVD or not: Our vehicle does have a DVD player, but to be honest, I’m not a fan of it. Each family must make the best decision regarding this for themselves, with their needs in mind. Our family has never used ours. We strictly limit screen time at home, and I don’t want to be plugging my kids into the DVD player on a car trip, which otherwise is perfect opportunity for family togetherness!

Be aware of your child’s limits: I didn’t expect my kids to sit and converse for the entire trip. I know their limits, I know their capabilities, and I know their ages! I did not expect them to suddenly act differently or suddenly age five years in the midst of a major road trip. Similar to the dog years rule, one adult hour in the car equals four kid hours! My kids usually get along spectacularly well, but I was aware that they’re normally not strapped into a car for an entire day on a regular basis, either! In abnormal circumstances, it’s entirely possible they could act abnormally.

Plan activity bags: For the few weeks prior to the trip, I packed special travel bags for the the kids. I included Mad Libs, activity books, colored pencils, regular pencils, and drawing paper. I printed off a bunch of webpages, such as information on each state that we would be traveling through, a map of the US where they can check off the all the different license plates we see, dot-to-dots for my youngest, and mazes and puzzles for my oldest. I kept back half the the items and activities, so that I could give them new items for the trip home. I also included little snacks in their bags, renewed every day, so that they could help themselves whenever they were feeling peckish instead of whining “I’m hungry!!”

Audiobooks: The last thing I did to prepare for the trip was to stock up on audiobooks. I checked them out for free from the local library. My original plan had been to read to the kids on the journey, but then I realized that I’m going to be facing forward with my seatbelt on, and it will be difficult for the kids in the back to hear me. So I settled on audiobooks. I got a broad variety of chapter length audiobooks; some the kids are familiar with, and also some new ones. I then printed off a list of all the audiobooks available, and included a copy in each kid’s activity bag.

It’s now been six weeks since we traveled, and I’m ecstatic to report that the trip was a success! We all loved our “car days”, as we called them. We loved talking and singing together, and being with each other for over two weeks! We all loved the audiobooks, and the kids enjoyed their activities. There were no quarrels, no whining, and no impatience. We discovered lots of playgrounds along the way, and saw lots of sites that the kids would never have seen otherwise. They learned things about each state we visited. They each kept a trip journal. They waded in two of the Great Lakes!

My husband and I are already making preliminary plans for our next road trip! We love being together in the car!

What are your tips for keeping kids occupied in the car?

photo credit: thomas pix

Sarah is the mother of two delightful children, and drives way more than she ought.

10 ways to gently respond when children say “I can’t!”

Our son, Kieran, has been struggling with a bout of the “I cannot’s” lately.

“I cannot take my shirt off, you do it mama.”
“I cannot ride my scooter! I cannot!”
“I cannot glue the ribbon on.”

Before teach a toddler to ride, I tried to isolate the problem:

Am I asking him to do too much? His “can’ts” are sometimes, but not always, in response to something I’ve asked him to do, so I don’t think they are the result of request overload or mere unwillingness. And they are usually in reference to a skill or activity that I know he can do, so they are not based on inability or even fear of failure.

Are the “can’ts” related to a mood or condition? I have not connected them to a time of day (i.e., when he is tired or hungry) or an emotional state (i.e., when he is upset). Nor do they appear to be a matter of disinterest.

Does he really think he can’t? The frequency of the phrase made me worry about his developing self-esteem. It is important to my husband and I to respond in a way that will acknowledge Kieran’s feelings as well as empower him, but we weren’t sure how to address the “can’ts.” After researching, reading, and soliciting the advice of some wise mama friends, I came up with the following list of ideas parents may use to respond to a case of the “can’ts.”

10 Ways Parents Can Respond Gently and Constructively When Children Say “I Can’t!”

1.Brainstorm Solutions: Rather than rushing to fix your child’s upset, engage him in the problem-solving process. Be attentive and validate your child’s emotions, and then empower your child to come up with his own solution. Trusting him to figure out conflict will help him develop lifelong coping skills and a healthy self-esteem.
“It looks like your blocks are having a hard time staying stacked up on this carpet, and I understand why you are frustrated when your blocks fall over. What do you think we could do so that you can enjoy building with your blocks?”

This idea is based on Naomi Aldort’s S.A.L.V.E. method, which you can read more about in her book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

2. Help: And then there are the times that your child is feeling tired, hungry, or overwhelmed and just needs some assistance. Your simple offer to help may make things seem a little more bearable. Depending on the age of the child and her level of frustration, your offer to help may be specific or open-ended.
“I can see that you are getting frustrated dressing your doll. Would you like me to hold her for you while you dress her?” or
“I can see that you are getting frustrated dressing your doll. Would you like me to help you? What can I do to make it easier?”

3. Offer a Break: If your child has been working at a task for a long time, they might just need to step back from it for awhile. This is especially helpful for a mentally intense activity (i.e., building a model or reading a difficult book) or an activity that is developing a new skill (i.e., tying shoes or riding a bicycle).
“Would you like to help me water the flowers for a few minutes? You can finish your puzzle after we are done if you’d like to.”
“Sometimes when I am frustrated it helps me to do something else for awhile. Would you like to take a break from your book and play some music?”

4. Identify and Redirect: If your child is making negative generalizations about his abilities, he may be setting himself up for failure and poor self-esteem. “I can’t hit the ball. I will never be able to play baseball.” Instead of hushing him and dismissing his fears, identify the irrational belief and reassure him. With young children, it is also a good practice to identify their feelings.
“You can hit the ball, I’ve seen you! It seems like you are feeling discouraged right now. I know you can play baseball, it just takes practice. Would you like me to throw you a few balls?”

5. Be Present: Some kids might express frustration or inability just to see if you are listening and available. By being actively present for them – especially when they are doing a challenging activity – your attention might be enough to get them on the right track.
“I can see that you are working hard on it. I’m here if you need me!”

6. Focus on Their Effort: The old adage to “focus on the process, not the product” rings true with a case of the “can’ts.” Help your child shift her focus to the process. Comment on her effort or concentration.
“You’ve been concentrating very hard on that drawing!”

7. Give Some Extra Attention: If it seems like your little ones are regressing – four year olds who suddenly “can’t” get undressed alone, three year olds who have lost the ability to feed themselves – it may be that they just need a little extra TLC. Give out lots of extra hugs and cuddles, remind her she will always be your baby, make an extra effort to show her she is your most precious gift.

8. Reassess Your Requests: Are you asking him to do too much? The authors of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” recommend that parents make a list of everything they ask of their children – all of the things we ask them to do and all of the things we ask them not to do. You may be shocked by the number of requests you make of your child any given morning or throughout the day. Similarly, are you asking your child to do something when he is hungry, tired, or preoccupied with his own problems? Kids are more likely to feel overwhelmed if their bodies are low on sleep or fuel or if they are under stress.

9. Be Silly: Instead of getting exasperated when your child feigns inability, turn it into a playful parenting moment. After you both dissolve into giggles, you may be surprised when your little one forgets that she “can’t” do something.
“I can’t take off my shoes, either! I forgot how to untie my shoelaces. Whatever will I do? I will have to wear them to bed! In the shower! Heeeeeelp!”
(While putting her shirt on her feet) “This is how you do it! You put one foot in this hole, and one foot in this hole – voila! What a cute pair of pants! But where is the zipper and snap?”

For more ideas on how to connect with your kids through play, read Lawrence Cohen’s excellent book Playful Parenting.

10. Ask What They Need to Succeed: If your gut reaction is to feel annoyed when you hear your child say “I can’t,” take a moment before responding. Breathe and remember that what your child is feeling is a normal part of the human condition. A friend of mine shared a story to illustrate this point: it is common to hear a woman in labor say “I can’t do this anymore!” Her support person will inevitably respond with “but you are doing it!” We all feel like that sometimes – tired, burnt out, exhausted. When you are at the end of your rope, would you rather someone say “get over it!”, or does it help more to hear “what can I do to help you feel more confident?”
“It looks like you are having trouble tying your shoes. What can I do to help so that you can do it?”

There is usually something more going on behind a child’s “I can’t” than meets the eye. Taking the time to gently respond is an investment in helping our children grow in confidence.

Making Unique Rules for Unique Children

I spent the last nine days worrying and praying for my 19-year-old niece who was hospitalized again for a problem stemming from her kidney disease, despite taking early precaution and being on chanca piedra stone-breaking pills. Her strength and stamina are inspiring, her tears are gut-wrenching and her journey is still an uphill climb. One realization for all of us this week is that she can never live by the same rules enjoyed by her peers. While most collegians survive on pizza and experiment with alcohol, my niece can get sick from too little sleep and too much stress. It doesn’t take much to upset the delicate balance of keeping her body healthy. She must adhere to very different rules and regulations. Continue reading “Making Unique Rules for Unique Children”

Learning to Understand

It seems like every few weeks I am completely surprised by my son. He is talking more and more and things are making sense now. Children are so blunt. Tonight at dinner he was sitting at his brand new kiddie table and accidentally knocked his bowl off the table. He looked so disappointed and said “Oh darn it!”. We all cracked up; how could you not? The adult-sounding sentences coming out of a two year-old are just too much.

The other day I went to collect him from the great outdoors where he was playing with his younger cousin. My sister was watching the children “help” my brother in law with his building project. I asked my son if he was ready to come with me, nap time… he told me “No, I not sleeping, I playing with Chi-chi” (his cousin’s name is Chennai.) I had to laugh. This is just one of the times over the past few weeks that he has told me exactly what he was doing, what he wants to do, what he doesn’t want to do.

I had a realization that day while the munchkins were sorting. I realized that up until recently I had to interpret my sons actions and small amounts of verbal communication in the best way that I possibly could. But it turned out that many times, surprise surprise, I had no clue what he was actually communicating to me. No wonder we were both frustrated! No wonder that sometimes we still are.

It seems that every new stage he goes through, I am re-introduced to my child. It’s not that I didn’t know him before. That just isn’t the case. We understood each other in that stage and now we are moving on to another stage. In this new stage we will learn to understand and enjoy each other. Once we enter yet another new stage, we will get to know each other again.

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.

Motherhood’s Magic Mirror

mommasmile — It starts off simply enough. I smile, you smile. Then it gets more complicated.

My daughters had a hard time using the word “please.” I noticed this several years ago, when I was constantly correcting their demands, making them insert the word before I would honor their request. They always said, “Thank you,” just not the “p” word. I remember the moment when I discovered why this phenomenon was occurring and needless to say, it was a head-slapping revelation. I asked my child (about age 4) to do something and she looked at me while asking, “please?” She was correcting my rudeness.

So, I listened in on all my conversations that day. Do I ever use the word? I frequently use the words “thanks” and, “I’m sorry.” I say “you’re welcome” and I always say “I love you” at least twice a day per family member. Somehow I had gotten into the habit of issuing orders without the basic nicety of “please.” It didn’t matter that I was telling my children to always use this word, they were simply mirroring my own behavior. It was so basic. So many trite sayings have formed out of this one constant of human development. Monkey see, monkey do. Do as I say, not as I do. But there it was staring me in the face without me really seeing it.

There are many times in raising children when you need to stop, examine your world through your child’s eyes and ears, and really think about what they are learning from you. Are you telling them not to hit, but spanking them as a form of punishment? Do you raise your voice when angry, but reprimand your child for yelling? (This is one of my uglier problems that I’m still working on.) Do you wish they would interact more with other children, but spend all your time with them instead of making strong connections with other adults?

It’s not easy realizing that your children are so much like you, yet so different. You assume they will only pick up your strengths and excel at the areas you have mastered. In addition to picking up your bad habits, magnifying them and mirroring them back to you like a carnival fun house; children also pick up on your energy. They know when you are tense, sad, angry with your spouse or worried about life. They know instantly when you don’t like someone. Unfortunately, children assume that they are the cause of your negative emotions, not an outside influence. My oldest daughter has the eerie habit of plucking thoughts right out of my head. It happens so often now that I’ve come to accept her ability as yet another reason to focus my thoughts and energy into positive messages.

MOM DARE: Spend this week listening in on your conversations, really hearing yourself the way your child does. Are they imitating you? Can you see how one of their troublesome behaviors could be related to something you have inadvertently taught them? Are you stressed about something and your child is picking up on your anxiety? Try spending a little more time this week reassuring your children that they are doing a good job, that you love them, and that life is truly beautiful. Please.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 8. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. She blogs at http://momswithgrace.wordpress.com and helps new moms at www.babylovecarebook.com

Chip, Chip, Chip

Last night, I put the kids to bed, poured some wine, popped in a movie and picked up my knitting.

Then I heard it: the awful sound of something, or someone, falling down the stairs. All of them.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!

Sure enough, it was my 3 year old, who had gotten up to ask for a glass of water. By the time I ran over there, she lay at the bottom on the stairs, shrieking.

I picked her up quickly and checked her over. No bruises, eyes clear, no vomiting, no bumps. She was crying and scared, but ok.

And then, it started.

I want Daddy! I want my Daddy now!

My soon-to-be Ex-husband moved out over a month ago, and the transition has been a little difficult for both girls, but especially my 3 yr old. For the first few weeks, she cried for her daddy every night, for hours. Nights were spent holding her, comforting her, and trying to respect the power of the emotions she was feeling.

Every episode was like a chip at my heart. It made me doubt every choice I made, or would be making.

Gradually, she had begun to accept the situation, and things were getting better.

But now she sat on my lap, tears coursing down her cheeks, begging me to call her father and tell him to come home.

Chip.

I hugged her and told her that I understood how she felt, and how it was okay to be sad. I explained that we would call her Daddy in the morning and she could speak to him then. She eventually fell back asleep.

This morning she woke up happy and calm. I asked if she wanted to call her daddy and she shook her head no.

You listened last night Mommy, so now I don’t have to.

Maybe, just maybe, my heart will survive this after all.

Shelly is a WAHM to two girls and a baby boy. You can find her daily at Adventures of a Breastfeeding Mother

Sibling Cooperation

My kids are eight years old and five years old, and for the most part, I like to stay out of the their arguments. Personally, I think there is greater skill to be gained by learning to work out disagreements and learn to cooperate than by me stepping in to solve everything.

That being said, I don’t just leave the kids out to the wolves; my goal has been to give them the tools they need to solve disagreements on their own in a way that’s fair to both of them. (The fantastic book Siblings Without Rivalry was a great help to me in negotiating the potential trials of parenting siblings!)

I’ll make observations, (“Wow, this is a big problem! Brother wants to use the red marker, and Sister wants to use it too!”) I’ll listen to both sides of the story, (“Okay, I’ll listen to Sister first, and then when she’s done telling me all she wants to say about it, I’ll listen to Brother.”) and then I’ll leave them to it. (“This is a big problem, but I’m confident the two of you can work it out in a way that’s fair to both of you.”)

To be honest, saying the bit about “…that’s fair to both of you” seems to be a reminder to my kids that they need to cooperate.

There are a few rules I follow:

1.) If one person personally owns something that the other person wants to use, the owner always gets the final answer. (“Sister, so you want to listen to one of your brother’s cd’s, but you, Brother, says she can’t use it. It’s your choice, Brother, because it’s yours, and if you both want to work something out, it’s between the two of you.” In this case, it seems as long as I acknowledge and support the ownership of the item, then the owner is much more willing to share. I never demand the kids share personally owned items.)

2.) Physically hurting each other is not allowed, and I would immediately step in and separate them. Fortunately, my kids never really had a problem with this, so it never really comes up. In fact, the last time I had to deal with this was several years ago.

3.) If a problem is so big that they need help, I help them brainstorm different ideas. But I do not make the final choice. This I think, teaches them more than anything else, how to solve their own problems. Brainstorming involves asking both of them for ideas to solve the problem, and I write down every single idea that’s spoken. Silly or ridiculous or feasible. Then it’s up to the kids to choose the best idea and to implement it. I’ve done this so often over the years that the kids brainstorm all by themselves now, and come up with their own solutions.

An example of this is bathtime. The kids still bathe together. (Neither one has asked for their own bath, which would immediately be honored.) However, both kids like to sit up front where the water’s deeper and warmer! It got to be too much of a hassle at bathtime determining which one got to sit up front, so I told the kids that we need a better way to make the determination.

The kids talked about it, and came up with a surprisingly fair solution. If I could print out a monthly calendar, Brother would fill in each day with alternating the first initial of their names to indicate which person got to sit up front during bath. Then Sister would mark off each day by putting a sticker on the calendar each evening.

I was impressed. This was a big problem, and they came up with a solution that’s fair to both of them.

They’ve been doing this for about four months, and it’s worked perfectly! They both follow the schedule because they both came up with it. All I have to do is print out a calendar at the beginning of each month, and they take care of the rest.

The reason this is on my mind is because they found another use for the calendar a couple of days ago. I just recently set up an account for my daughter on my computer. My son has had one for a few years. The rule is they can use the computer just on weekends. However, with two kids now wanting turns instead of just one, I began to wonder what would happen.

I left the room for about a half hour, and then came back in. My daughter announced they they talked about that very problem and what they could do. They’re going to use the bath calendar, and whoever’s name is on the calendar gets to use the computer first. It works out well since the weekend days on the calendar alternate as well.

They discovered the problem themselves (“How will we decide who gets to use the computer first?”) and they talked it over and came up with a plan! And this was all before I had even voiced anything at all about it!

The kids then told me that it was my five-year-old daughter who came up with the idea of using the bath calendar for computer time as well!

I’m so pleased that they’re solving problems entirely on their own!

What are some other ways to foster cooperation between siblings?

photo credit: Joyseph