Respond with Sensitivity – Page 49

10 Ideas to Help Children Learn to Say “Thank You”

I do not believe in forcing or shaming children into reciting social niceties when they don’t mean them, (1) but I can appreciate that children who practice those niceties can find it easier to function among peers and adults. And while I think that modeling is the most effective (and easiest!) way to impart the importance of “please,” “thank you,” and the like, here are a few more ideas on how to help children learn how to express their appreciation. (2)

Kieran draws thank you pictures for his birthday and Christmas presents.

Turn thank you into artwork: If your little one enjoys arts and crafts, then help her say thank you through artwork. Any kind of craft will do, and you can jot a little note to include with it that explains what the intent is (if it’s not readily apparent).
Say it in a different language: Make saying thank you educational and fun by teaching your little one how to say thank you in different languages. This article gives us “thank you” in 28 languages.
Replace “good job” with “thank you”: Instead of saying “good job” when your little one does something helpful, try “Thank you for _____, it helps me _____.” Saying thank you regularly to your child is one of the best ways to teach him how to thank others – be his role model!

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Discover your child’s “love language”: Some people believe that “Every child gives and receives love in their own unique and special way . . . . There are basically five different ways children, and all people, speak and understand emotional love: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service.” (3) Here are a few ideas that build on the idea of “love languages”:

Hugs and high fives (“Physical Touch”): I don’t know about you, but a child’s genuine excitement when he opens a gift, plus that impulsive hug (or high five), is enough thank you for me. I don’t need the ritual of a thank you card to reinforce for me that the child enjoyed the gift.
Saying “thank you” in different words (“Words of Affirmation”): Let go of tradition – encourage your child to use whatever words come to mind to express appreciation for a gift. Instead of the bland “thank you for my bike” note, try “We put playing cards on the spokes of my bicycle wheels, now whenever I ride it, you can hear me coming! My friends thought it was so cool, they all put cards on their wheels too. This bike is so fun!” A child’s authentic enthusiasm will shine through so much more in their own words than in any of the more traditional words we could force them to use.
Share the fun (“Quality Time”): If your little one is happy sharing toys and time with others, why not set up a play date with the thank-ee? Playing with a gift with the gift giver might be more appreciated than any thank you note.
Make something to say thank you (“Gifts”): Some little ones love to create – whether it is painting a picture, baking cookies, or putting a collage together, a gift from your child’s heart is an incredible token of thanks.
Do something nice (“Acts of Service”): When I lived at home, one of the ways I would tell my parents “thank you” for all that they did for me was to clean the house. I still occasionally go over and clean while Kieran is playing – simply because I know it will make my parents smile. If your child’s love language is service, find ways that they can lend a hand to someone who has done something nice: decorating for a holiday, weeding the garden, odd (and easy) chores; there are many ways a child can be helpful, and it can turn into a learning experience too!________________
And a couple more ideas, just in case you have a little one who has not yet caught on to this social grace:
Say it yourself: Really, when adults ask children to say “please” or “thank you,” all we’re doing is proving to the other person that we have manners. If you’re that concerned about making a good impression, say thank you yourself: kindly, genuinely, without the tone that you wish your child had done it instead (because all that will do is shame your child, which will not motivate them to say thank you – from their heart – in the future). Your gracious modeling will make a big impression./li>
Don’t force the issue: Finally, relax. Don’t force thank you’s, they’ll come in time. Shaming or forcing a child into saying a grudging thank you may make you feel better in front of others, but it can backfire by making your child feel resentful. Make saying “thank you” a fun learning experience, not an unpleasant task that must be complied with reluctantly.

How does your child like to say thank you?

(1) See, for example, Seven Alternatives to Forced Apologies or Focusing on Children’s Needs
(2) Remember, none of these ideas will be very effective at turning “thank you” into a positive experience if they are forced. Watch for your child’s cues, keep trying until you find something that resonates with her!
(3) Finding Out Your Child’s Love Language

The Practice of Attachment Parenting

There are days when I think to myself, “I shouldn’t call what I do attachment parenting – because quite honestly, today was anything but.”

I never thought of attachment parenting with any interest until about a year ago, right after Bella was born. Before that, I just knew I didn’t want to spank or hit, and wanted to treat my child with respect and dignity. I fell in love with babywearing along the way, and extended breastfeeding happened because it became a joy after the horrible months of reflux and colic in her infancy.

I began to find myself drawn into the attachment line of thinking once I knew I was going to be able to be a stay at home mom. I have always had a passion for working with children, from being a nanny to teaching – I would read constantly about how to be a better caregiver and educator. So it was only natural to start to think of motherhood in that way, and to decide what kind of a mother I wanted to be on a daily/hourly basis.
Continue reading “The Practice of Attachment Parenting”

Listening

On the way to Playschool the other morning, I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw tears sliding down my 21-month-old’s cheeks.

“Ruby, what’s wrong, honey?” I asked, concerned and surprised – she’d been talking excitedly all morning about visiting her friends at school, where she spends two mornings a week.

“Oww, mama,” she said, tapping her nose with her forefinger, her eyes welling up even more. She’d just gotten over a nasty cold that had kept her out of school for a full week.

We pulled into the drop-off at school, and my daughter’s favorite teacher was waiting to take her inside. Ruby started really crying as I unbuckled her. “Oh, she’ll be fine,” her teacher smiled at me. “We can handle it!”

“I’m sure you can,” I smiled back, “but let me have a minute with her.”

I held Ruby tight and looked in her eyes.

“Ruby, do you really not feel good?”

“No, mama.” (sniff, sniff)

“Do you want to go to school today?”

“No.” (sniff)

“Do you just need to come home with mama?”

“Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.” (nod sniff nod sniff)

In a split second, I mentally ticked through all my work plans for the morning – and then brushed them away. When it comes right down to it, there’s just not a thing more important than doing what my daughter needs. So home we went, much to the consternation of Ruby’s teachers. I think they thought I was “giving in” to her, or “spoiling” her. But I like to think I just chose to listen to my child. My daughter, who, just like all of us, has her very own needs and emotions, her good days and bad days. I know her well enough to know when she is truly upset and uncomfortable, and when she needs a break. Whatever the reason, she very clearly did not want to be at school that day.

When I was growing up, my parents occasionally let me take what they called “mental health days” when I got too stressed out about school. That time away was invaluable to me, an over-achiever who worried too much from a very young age. I remember those days so clearly, how they’d help me calm down, re-focus, and feel more connected to whichever parent I spent that day with.

I want my daughter to be able to have those kinds of days. I want her to trust that I will listen to her and take her seriously. That when she has an emotional need, I’ll do everything I can to meet it. I think part of my job as a parent is knowing her well enough to see those cues, to know when “My nose hurts” actually means “I need some time with you.” So that morning, instead of working as I’d planned, I cuddled with my daughter. We read books, ate snacks, and danced to her “silly music.” And truly? That time together was more valuable than anything else I could have been doing.

Has there been a time when truly listening to your child changed your plans or your approach to a certain situation?

Practicing NVC

After I checked out Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg from my library, I knew I would need to buy it for my personal collection. It is excellent. Not only is NVC extremely relevant to parents working towards healthy relationships with their children, but the principals are applicable in any type of communicative relationship….spouses, family members, co-workers, employers, neighbors, and just about anyone with whom we may potentially have disagreements once in a while.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with NVC, know that this approach to communication is a cornerstone of attachment parenting. Here are the concepts of NVC in a nutshell: it is about feelings and needs. It’s about setting judgement aside and focusing on communicating how we feel and what we need.

While the book is an inspiring read, it can be difficult to put to practical use…at first. It was difficult for me in the beginning because I wasn’t used to communicating this way (effectively). But right away, even for the novice “nonviolent communicator,” it’s easy to start with small steps simply by raising awareness of critical moments in your daily communications; those when it would be easy to impart judgment on a situation. Instead of judging, I try to re-think my viewpoint and re-phrase my words to be as objective as possible.

What I See: So instead of walking in to the living room and saying, “Oh, what a big mess in here,” I keep my observations clear and straightforward. “I see books, blocks, scarves, and trucks spread on the floor from wall to wall.”

How I Feel: “I feel tired because I’ve picked up these toys two times already today.”

What I need: “I need order in this room, and I need help to make it happen.”

Will You? “JJ, will you please put the scarves in the basket? Elia, will you put books back on the shelf please?”

What could easily have started as a judgment (Why are you so messy?), confrontation (You never put your toys away!) and demand (Get this cleaned up now!), turns out to be a cooperative activity, and my need for order is met.

I realize that with toddlers and very young kids, it may be difficult to get immediate cooperation with respect to a person’s needs. As my kids grow, NVC gets more and more effective, and I especially love it for my husband’s and my interactions. What takes practice is the ability to distance ourselves from any personal attacks and look for specific feelings and unmet needs.

Anyone new to NVC can start practicing the tactics intermittently. If I have an observation, feeling, need, or request to convey, I practice stating it nonjudgmentally in as many situations as I can, whether or not there is anything else to express about it. For example, at breakfast this morning I said, “I see Elia using a fork and JJ sitting down in his chair,” just to practice statements of observation. To my husband I said, “I feel nervous about my meeting today.” Or, while making cookies today, “I need the eggs cracked in this bowl.” Or, this evening, “JJ, would you pick out your nighttime diaper?” All of those events happened independently and did not result in extensive communication, but they gave me a chance to identify and verbalize a sight, feeling, need, and a request. I continue to look for small moments like those to help me practice.

Right now, I have to sort through my emotions and think hard about articulating my feelings and needs. It is common for me to say how I “feel” without really stating a feeling. For example: “I feel like you’re not listening to me.” This statement does contain the word “feel,” but it’s really an accusation, not a true description of how I feel. I feel insecure. I feel discouraged. I feel angry. Those are more accurate descriptions for how I feel when my need to be heard isn’t met. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers lists of common feelings and needs that I refer to often!

Regarding NVC, I also like that only one person in a communication exchange needs to be familiar with the principals to make it effective. So I can help someone else (like my children) identify their feelings and needs and feel successful in communicating them. “Oh, Elia, I see that you lost your dinosaur toy! That must make you feel sad…you loved watching him hatch and grow! Do you need a hug? I’m sorry that he’s gone. How about if we look for another dinosaur egg the next time we go to the store?” By offering suggestions or making guesses as to what she is feeling, it gives her a chance to correct me–“No I’m not sad, I’m mad!” This creates a more meaningful conversation and is teaching my daughter effective, empathic communication.

If you haven’t read NVC yet, check it out, and you can join me in my ongoing efforts to practice it! Effective communication is excellent.

The Food Battle

It is raging. You know what I am talking about: the toddler food battle. My mom keeps quoting someone that she read (and I honestly would tell you who it is but she doesn’t remember, and it is paraphrased I am sure): “Any child worth his salt will put up a fight.” Well, my son is worth his weight in salt. Most of us could probably say that about our toddlers.

I am not a restaurant. I am not planning on becoming one either. I also don’t want my child to be someone who eats at someone’s house and refuses to eat anything or doesn’t eat a healthy variety. Now, on the other hand the picky eating of toddlers is not all their fault. They are super sensitive to both texture and taste which sometimes makes it completely maddening to try and feed my mini man.

We’re working on striking a balance with the Berryman Frozen Fruit. I feed him a breakfast that I am as sure as I possibly can be that he will eat though he sometimes refuses the fruit that I serve with breakfast. Right now his current favorites are flapjacks and oatmeal and occasionally an omelette. OK. Sometimes he refuses and we have an early lunch. My caloric intake is just about double of what he takes, which is probably because I take a scoop of Mindzymes supplements right before I work out.

After eating food, If you often get headaches or feel sick then you may have a food intolerance that you do not know about. Carrying out food intolerance testing is the first step in feeling better as it enables you to identify the potential causes of your symptoms.

Food intolerance testing is simple, easy and not expensive. There are many companies on the market who offer food intolerance testing. We recommend to contact food intolerance test uk, they are highly professional people and they allow you to take a blood sample in the comfort of your own home and send it off for analysis.

Lunch is a bit trickier but I’ve found that quesadillas with some hiden shredded or chunked chicken will work, usually I try to use whole wheat tortillas. Macs n’ cheese, I have found some great corn macaroni and use real cheese. Whole wheat pigs in a blanket. And then there is the good ol’ pbj. Bananas, he’ll eat bananas and apples sometimes as well, I’ve tried every berry in the book and the occasional strawberry or grapes.

Dinner is tricky. I like to eat adult food. He does not. I am also not a restaurant and there are quite a few foods that we eat and are good for him that my son can eat but doesn’t. So now what? I do offer one other choice that we are serving, he doesn’t have to eat the peas but I will offer another slice of bread etc. But then it’s done. I will offer something like yogurt or cheese, something I choose sometime before bed. There isn’t a discussion about it, I offer because I don’t want him to go to bed hungry.

Snacks. Right now they are the children’s Clif bars. Yeah, I would love to say that I am making the snacks, but he isn’t eating what I make as snacks for the most part, so there ya go. There are some battles that just aren’t worth fighting.

I am holding out for the day where his taste palate expands somewhat until then we’ll keep walking the fine line between letting my little dude know that he can’t order from me like a restaurant but also that he eats as healthy as possible on a regular basis.

That, and I give him a good fruit and veggie based supplement.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/polishfoodinfo/4146917212/

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Shopping Trips

This post is the fourth in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, grocery shopping, diaper changes, and picking up toys. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.
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Ideas to Make Shopping a Positive Experience

Give Your Toddler Input: involve your toddler when you are creating your shopping list. Talk about the fruits, vegetables, grains, etc. you will need to make meals for the next few days. Let them decide what vegetables (or whatever) they want to eat. Use it as an opportunity to talk about healthy foods. If you don’t have time (or your toddler doesn’t have the desire) to plan ahead, let them make a few healthy choices at the store (or take them to a farmer’s market, where almost everything is healthy!).

Try Stickers: if your little one is dexterous enough to peel stickers off of a sheet, set them up with room to peel and stick onto a grocery store ad. You could make it similar to a game of BINGO – put a sticker on every item from the ad that you pass.

Scavenger Hunts and Treasure Maps: cut out pictures from the ad and hand them out – see who can help you find their items. If you really want to get fancy, you could make a map of your regular grocery store and laminate it. Then you could use a dry erase marker to write the items you need on the map for each shopping trip. Your toddler can help you find them using her “treasure map.”

Play the Quiet/Tiptoe Game: make a game out of who can use sign language/pantomime to communicate, who can whisper the longest, or who can walk on their tiptoes the longest.

Don’t Buy That!: one time when Kieran was in perpetual whiny “I want” mode, I started joking with him by saying “I do NOT want to buy that!” “Ew, let’s not buy that!” Soon he was giggling and playing along, pointing at different items and saying “don’t buy that mama!” We’ve played this game almost every shopping visit since then. I’d like to incorporate something about healthy choices into the game: “don’t buy chips, they aren’t healthy!”

Let Them Help: trust your toddler with certain responsibilities: putting items in the cart (model for them how to do it gently, but remember they probably will never be quite as gentle as you are), finding and putting fruit/vegetables in bags, holding the shopping list (use the opportunity to talk about letters if you’d like), etc.

Play I Spy: take turns “spying” different colors (“I spy something blue”), different materials (“I spy something made out of paper”), items for different rooms of the house (“I spy something that belongs in the bathroom”), and more.

Take Snacks: have you ever noticed that toddlers want whatever they see? Going into a grocery store without something to snack on can be a disaster waiting to happen. I try not to use food as a hush tactic or bribe, but in a grocery store it is almost necessary (for Kieran, anyway). A bag of trail mix or dried fruit can occupy little fingers for quite awhile.

Set Them Up for Success: what’s better – a rested toddler with food in her tummy at a relatively calm grocery store, or a tired and hungry toddler bewildered by the chaos during a store’s rush hour? When possible, set your toddler up for a successful shopping trip by going when your toddler and the store are at their best. For Kieran, that means I don’t shop when he’s tired (whining rapidly transitions into crying); and we always try to hit Costco when they have samples out (ha).

Play “What Doesn’t Belong”: if you have a short shopping list, talk to your child in advance about what you will be getting. Then grab one extra item that is not on your list. Help your toddler figure out which item does not belong in the cart before you put it on the counter.

Make It an Adventure: take your kids on a tropical (or safari or deep space) adventure. This works especially well when it’s time to leave the store and the toddler is resisting. For example, Kieran sometimes wants to hide under clothing racks when it’s time to go. Several times he has willingly (eagerly even) come with me when I say in an excited voice “Kieran, let’s go on a journey together! We have a long way to walk to the car, and I need your help chasing away the lions!”

Wear a Carrier: If you are able to wear your toddler, bring a carrier to the store with you. Lots of kiddos are content on a parent’s back where they wouldn’t be content in a shopping cart (I know! Kieran is one of them). If you thought babywearing was just for infants, think again! We love our ABC Carrier and our Ergo – at 31 lbs Kieran is still comfortable in a front or back carry, and he loves to go for a ride.

Shop Fast: when all else fails, don’t prolong the agony for yourself or your kids. Get in, get out, and get on with your day.

What ideas do you have to help make shopping a good experience? Please share them in the comments.

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This post has been edited from a previous version published at Code Name: Mama.

Interview Series: Amber Strocel

Today we are excited to introduce another API Speaks blogger to you. Amber is a mother of two and hails from Vancouver! Read on to learn about her tips for successful relationships (she and her husband have been together for 20 years!), her big venture to help people live intentionally, and how she balances it all.

Tell us about your family.

I am married to my husband of almost 10 years, Jon. We met in high school – we will celebrate 20 years together this May. Which is a long time, considering that we’re still in our mid-30s. We have two children – Hannah will turn 6 in February, and Jacob is 2 1/2. We live in suburban Vancouver, BC. Right now, Jon is working for a local television station, and I’m working from home.

I am amazed that you and Jon have been together for 20 years! What has been important in maintaining that relationship? You have obviously gone through a lot of seasons of life together already! I am so intrigued by the ways that an AP parenting style translates to marriage. How do you and Jon balance parenting?

I think the most important thing in maintaining a relationship is flexibility and openness to change. Jon and I are very different people now than we were in 1991 when we started dating as teenagers. We have accepted that change and growth is part of being together, and we embrace it.
Continue reading “Interview Series: Amber Strocel”

Eggs and Crayons

My son was coloring yesterday. Actually he wasn’t coloring and that was the problem. He had his coloring book out and he had some crayons but he kept asking for help. Now I know that he is completely capable of coloring by himself, I mean what toddler isn’t? I was confused. My mom was the one who discovered what was going on. My little man was busy watching his auntie color and he was asking for help because he couldn’t color as well as his aunt could.

I don’t know where my son got it. OK. So I am lying just a bit. I have that type of personality. If I can’t do something perfectly, the first time, I get frustrated, I don’t want to do it. I don’t like not being good at things. I know that I have not told my son that he needs to do anything better. I always encourage him when he is learning something new. I am always cheering him on. I guess none of that encouragement erases genetics!

My mom did a great job at showing my son that he didn’t need to stay in the lines; a reminder that I could really use on a regular basis – especially as a mom of a toddler. It seems to me like having a toddler would make it so that you would be able to relax a little bit, color outside of the lines; just not true. At least for me anyway. I need almost daily reminders.

Today we went to collect eggs. Not a monumental event but in the light of the coloring book incident it really stuck out to me. We collected the eggs and I let my son carry one. The egg slipped through his little mittened hands as we were standing outside the coop. My son just stared down at the broken egg and then looked up at me with his big eyes “Uh oh! I’m SO sorry!”. I understood that look and that feeling. I completely understood the apology. It struck me as funny. Very funny. Who cares that he broke the egg? I gave him another one and he immediately said in a panicked voice “I need help mommy!” I laughed and told him that he didn’t need my help, he was perfectly capable to carry the egg inside. He didn’t need my help and you know what? He didn’t.

We, together, are capable. It was eye opening to me to realize that some things we are just born with. No one taught my son that he needed to do things perfectly, I have never asked that of him. I have never been taught that I needed to be perfect. My drive for perfection sometimes annoys the people that I love most. We are both imperfect perfectionists and I’m so happy that we are learning to color out of the lines together.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=egg&l=4