Respond with Sensitivity

Don’t Argue With Me

Here’s something that happens a lot: I say something. My child (I’m thinking particularly of my 4-year-old) argues the opposite. He’s not at all correct. In fact, he’s so not correct, his statement doesn’t make any logical sense at all.

Mom, this is how you spell “people”: p-e-p-l. Oh, close…there are a few more letters in there. No, that’s how you spelling exercise.
JJ, it’s time to be done with computer games. You never let me play computer!
Mom, what did we have for breakfast today? We had eggs. No, we didn’t! We had muffins. Actually, we had eggs today. We had muffins yesterday. No!

Where do I go from there? There are so many potential back-and-forths to be had with these kinds of statements. Do I bother? What are my choices for how to respond to ridiculous arguments? As I see it, I could:

Retort Back. I could issue the classic, “Don’t argue with me” statement. Many parents don’t like the feeling of being talked back to or argued with. It undermines their authority, and negates the message that they are “right.”

I think arguing is actually a valuable skill to have. I want my kids to be able to disagree and feel confident enough to share their thoughts. This will lead to standing up for themselves during tough moments or speaking up for others when it matters.

I also don’t want to send the message to my kids that they must be seen and not heard, or that different thoughts equal wrong thoughts. Sure, sometimes they might be wrong (the correct spelling of the word “people” is pretty indisputable), but there’s a difference in shutting down a child’s voice with an “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude, and listening to their different–and, yes, maybe even wrong–thoughts with acceptance. It sets the stage for learning healthy debate skills and an open approach to communication. Though there are many times I’d like to respond to my kids with “Don’t argue with me,” I know that arguing is essentially good for them. It is helpful for kids to be able to disagree with authority figures in a safe environment and hone their Stick-Up-For-Myself skills.

Argue With Him. This is probably the most instinctual. When opposed, I can always come up with lots of excellent examples that really make my case. It’s only too easy to argue with my child over how much time he actually does get to spend on the computer, or how many muffins we don’t have in the pantry because we ate them…yesterday. But why do I feel the need to prove my point to a 4-year-old? And what will it truly result in?

No, it was eggs today. Remember I asked you if you wanted scrambled eggs? No. And you said yes, and I asked you if you wanted them with cheese or no cheese? No. And you said with cheese, so we had cheesy eggs today. No! I didn’t say that!
Of course I let you play computer! What have you been doing this morning? You played it yesterday too, and every day. You get plenty of computer time. No I don’t! I don’t get to play it hardly ever!

Perpetuating the argument only results in my son continuing to assert that he is right, now more loudly and with more emotion, because his autonomy is being threatened. Arguing with a child becomes less about the issue at hand and more about asserting control. One of us has to be a grown-up and disengage in this kind of pointless power struggle. Oh, right, that would be me…the grown-up.

Let it Go. Say, “OK.” Moving on. Because really, what does it matter? If my son mistakenly thinks we had muffins instead of eggs for breakfast, who does that hurt? How important is it for me to push the issue, and what will it cost our connection to do so? I’d rather agree to disagree about breakfast than put distance in our relationship.

Hear Him Out. Give him a chance to explain his seemingly ridiculous argument. “Oh?” “Is that what you think?” “What makes you say that?” “Tell me more.” “Ah, I see…” Asking these types of curiosity questions shows my child that I’m interested in what he has to say, even if I disagree. They also shift the conversation from confrontational to communicative. It tells him, “We see things differently, but I am interested in hearing you. I will listen, and you can help me understand.”

Listen to What He’s Really Trying to Say. Why do kids adamantly say things like “you always…” and “you never…”? Well, it’s based on the way the child feels at the time the statement is made. “You never…” and “You always…” indicate that he has strong feelings about that situation. “You never let me play computer” translates to, “I love playing computer and I’M SO ANGRY that I can’t play right now!” But of course, a 4-year-old’s brain isn’t capable of articulating that. Rather than try to prove my point with arguments and examples, I can simply acknowledge my child’s side of the argument and the feelings that are bringing it to light.

An argument with a child is rarely about the topic at hand. The verbal intensity and seeming lack of logic are brought on by the feelings underlying a child’s belligerence. So, for me and my argumentative 4-year-old, I could choose to ignore those feelings and assert my authority (focus on proving that I am right), or I could decide how important it really is that I “win” and respond to him with sensitivity. I can listen with acceptance and remind myself of his current stage of emotional, cognitive, and linguistic development. I can understand that the situation is not that he’s not listening to me; it’s that he’s not able to process information as I am. As any adult is. Because he’s four. But he won’t be four forever, and regardless of how obscure his perspective may seem right now, I can certainly make an effort to listen…for the future of our relationship and communication.

Teaching environmental responsibility

Editor’s note: Happy Earth Day 2015! While this post was originally published on April 26, 2011, it’s a good reminder of how Attachment Parenting dovetails with teaching the next generation about caring for our communities and planet.

Today is Earth Day, which means that many of us are thinking about our environmental footprint. My 2-year-old Jacob is totally oblivious to all of the talk about saving the planet, but my 6-year-old Hannah is very interested.

She’s picking up cues from school and the media, and every day she asks me how one or more of our activities impact the planet. I do my best to answer honestly, in a way that she’ll understand.

As I talk to Hannah about how our actions impact the planet, I’ve been reflecting on what my parenting style teaches my children about taking care of the earth. I think that if I generally communicate empathy and connectedness through the way that I respond to my children, they will feel that empathy and connectedness toward other people. And, by extension, toward the planet as a whole.

I see a definite connection with Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting. Here are a few examples from my home:

Feed with Love and Respect

As we introduce table foods, we’re creating a connection between our child and the world. Everything that we consume is provided in some way by the planet. And as we strive to make healthy eating choices, we’ll naturally be eating more whole foods. It’s a very logical step to talk to our children about where their food comes from, how it’s grown and how life on earth is sustained.

We build a relationship of trust with our children by responding to them sensitively. It starts with a newborn’s first cries, and it continues as our children grow and we involve ourselves in their interests and strive to meet their needs. The relationship that is formed in the process creates a model for how children interact with the larger world around them.

If they learn to trust us, they will also learn to trust others — and develop empathy for them. They will understand that their actions have an impact, and they’ll want to make sure it’s helpful instead of harmful.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

One of the best ways that I’ve found to recharge my own batteries, as well as my kids’ batteries, is to get out into nature. Many parents that I talk to share the same experience. Getting outside, even if it just means spending 20 minutes in the backyard, can turn everyone’s mood around.

When my kids are outside, they explore the natural world. The wonder they experience is amazing, as they learn about plants and animals and insects and weather and seasons. They come to appreciate the earth, and they want to care for and support it.

By making healthy choices, taking the time to get outside, and helping our children learn empathy and feel connectedness, we’re setting the stage for them to make more sustainable choices. Without saying a word, our actions are communicating our values — and our kids pick up on them naturally. I think that’s a great thing.

How have your children learned to live more lightly on the planet? And do you think your parenting style plays a role in how they view the larger world? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

How to Train Your Dragon: Yell at it?

Maybe,” [Old Wrinkly] said, “you can train a dragon better by talking to it than by yelling at it.”

“That’s sweet,” said Hiccup, “and a very touching thought. However…from what I know about dragons…I should say that yelling was a pretty good method.”

“But it has its limitations, doesn’t it?” Old Wrinkly pointed out.

–An excerpt from How to Train Your Dragon, by Cressida Cowell

It does. Yelling is effective at pretty much two things: intimidating someone into doing what you say, and making them feel bad. No one, children or adults, likes to be yelled at.

Yelling, while an instinctual stress-reliever, doesn’t do anything to actually educate a person about the point you’re trying to make. I had a teacher once who yelled a lot, and what I remember most about her class is the crummy feeling I had when I was in her room. I remember feeling uncomfortable and sad when she yelled at other students, and I became so afraid to ask questions or talk to her about anything, for fear of her then yelling at me. One time, I thought my book report was late, and oh, the fear I felt then! Just imagining what she would say to (yell at) me turned my stomach into knots. Thinking back on it now, I can’t remember anything about that book report, not even the title of the book, nor any other academic lessons I learned in her class. I actually can’t even remember this teacher’s name; it’s like a traumatic memory, suppressed. (By the way, my book report did not end up being late, so crisis averted. I do remember the joy of that moment of realization.)

As a parent, it’s easy to have my buttons pushed by my kids, yet difficult to remember that yelling doesn’t actually do anything to help them meet their behavioral goals.

“We can’t teach kids to behave better by making them feel worse.” –Pam Leo, Connected Parenting

“Children do better when they feel better.” –Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline

I am nowhere near perfect at this…the yelling thing. It takes a lot of practice to recondition the way we respond to anger, and I am in the midst of working on this. It’s a many-years-long journey. What I’m working on first and foremost is reconfiguring my “buttons”; trying to take the triggers that usually make me angry and change them so that they, well…don’t. This is a matter of understanding and perspective. The more I understand about my children’s behavior–how their brains develop and why they do the things they do–the less they trigger my anger reflex. And the more perspective I have over “the big picture”–the foundational aspects of raising children that are truly important–the more I realize that in-the-moment yelling doesn’t work toward meeting the long-term goals I have for myself, my children, and our family as a whole.

Yelling at kids doesn’t help them learn a lesson. Just like my book report experience, what kids remember most is the feeling brought on by the yelling; the fear. That’s the piece of information that our brains hold onto and shape our future interactions and behaviors. Even the joy I felt when I realized my report was not late and I was not going ot be yelled at was a positive feeling, but still brought on by fear. Was I then motivated to make extra sure that I was never late on an assignment in this teacher’s class again? Of course. I do think fear is a very effective motivator…no argument from me there. But that’s not the motivation on which I want my parenting, thus my relationship with my children, to be based.

Our most prominent memories stem from feelings around events: succeeding, failing, solving a problem, making mistakes, having fun, going through a difficult time, being held, getting yelled at. After many years, the details of events are likely to become foggy, but the feelings remain. What do I want my kids to remember when they think back on their childhoods? Less yelling and feeling afraid, more understanding and feeling supported. Teaching by yelling does have its limitations. Teaching through connection is limitless.

Interview Series: Dave Taylor

We are continuing our interview series with API Contributing Bloggers with Dave Taylor of APparenting.com. Read on to hear more about his life as a single dad of 3, and his thoughts on parenting preteens and teenagers!

Tell us about your family.

I’m based in Boulder, Colorado and am a single Dad to three terrific kids: a 14yo daughter, 10yo son and 7yo daughter. They’re all very artistic and talented athletes too: the older girl is a star of her school volleyball team and my son is one of the leading players on his YMCA basketball team. In fact, his team made it to the championship just a few weeks ago, but, alas, ended up in second place.

What led you to Attachment Parenting?

I was definitely not raised in an attachment parenting household. In fact, my childhood is better characterized as an English “stiff-upper-lip” philosophy where I was left to my own devices from an early age and my parents were involved, but less and less as time went on.

When we had our first child, I was prepared to continue that same parenting philosophy when their Mom suggested that a more affectionate, more hands-on approach to child rearing would garner benefits for both them and us. Honestly, co-sleeping, slings instead of strollers and the like just felt natural and it’s a heck of a lot of fun to have that close a connection, that much proximity, to a wide-eyed new life. It’s all felt very natural and empowering.

How do you deal with friends/family/strangers who don’t understand or who disagree with AP practices?

I am blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who accept my parenting choices and are supportive of the children. We get an occasional confused comment about our sleeping arrangements (it’s not unheard of for my 10yo or even 14yo to grab a sleeping bag and bunk on the floor of my room on a stormy night). Even better, the school they’re in has many parents of a similar philosophical bent, so the child pushed into being independent at a very early age is the oddity, not the one who is still held, loved and nurtured by their parent.

I don’t really feel like I’m an evangelist for AP, but I will admit that there are times when I watch someone pushing a shrieking infant in a stroller and bite my tongue rather than say “y’know, if you just held them, they’d stop crying…”. Why? Because I don’t want people to judge my parenting choices so I extend the same respect to them. I can’t know why they choose to parent the way they do, so it’s better – in my opinion – not to get involved.

What does 2011 hold for your family? What goals do you have for your kids/ family in the coming year?

Goals? Our goal is always to attain as much peace and harmony in our lives as possible. It’s tough for them with two households, we try our best to minimize it, but it’s not as smooth as being in one house with two parents who get along well and enjoy each other’s company. But somehow we make it work, with a pinch of humor and a dash of silliness. At least, most of the time. 🙂

How has attachment parenting evolved as your kids get older? I don’t hear enough about parenting teenagers and preteens and would love your insight into the new challenges and opportunities that come with older kids.

I have to say that like many parenting approaches, I think AP is more suited for younger children, toddlers and babies, for children in the developmental phases where they seek to stay attached, not detach and explore their world. On the other hand, we all appreciate someone who can listen to us, respect us as individuals and give us a hug when things aren’t going well, so the core concepts underlying AP are still quite relevant for parenting adolescents. For me, it’s about listening, respect, and being straightforward with them. When we get into a tussle, I explain my perspective and do my best to then be quite and listen to theirs. We discuss solutions, come up with compromises that meet both our needs (as best we can) and go on our way together. It’s not always easy, but parenting isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. I will add this too: I think it’s critically important for parents to be their *parent*, not a child’s friend. That always influences my interaction with my children, but that also helps them know that they still have that great safety net as they learn to explore…

Thanks for your insights Dave! Please check out Dave’s Attachment Parenting Blog for more on his great kids and his journey as a single Dad.

Mother to All

“Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate.” — Charlotte Gray

Since becoming a mother, the above quote rings true with me, and with lots of mothers I’m sure. I was a lot colder, unforgiving, proud, and stubborn as a person before becoming a mother. A crying child had almost no affect on me. Any mother, aside from my own, wasn’t interesting to me. I didn’t want to hear their problems, or screaming children, or the amount of long hours that they put into their day. Quite simply, I wasn’t interested because I didn’t understand them. I didn’t understand what it took to be a mom. And therefore, their trials and tribulations didn’t hold my attention.

I can pinpoint when not only my attitude towards mothers changed, but also when my compassion for a mother came to the forefront. It was when I found out I was going to become a mother myself. To say that my life changed when reading the pregnancy test would be an understatement. Seeing two lines on a stick meant that I was going to become someone’s world. Their ENTIRE world. I would be responsible for this person in every way. Every move I made would be analyzed by someone.

During the nine months of my pregnancy, I became instantly aware that I was much more emotional. I cared so much more for strangers’ children. I would see other moms out with their kids and if I witnessed a bruised knee, tears welled up in my eyes. The rush of these new emotions scared me, I’m not going to lie. If I was this emotional being pregnant, I couldn’t even imagine where my tears would gather once I delivered my child.

The day came, however, when I did deliver my son. I cried the whole day. This being my first pregnancy and delivery, you can imagine that I was scared…and that too is an understatement. I cried because I was scared, because I didn’t know what to expect, and because I knew there was no going back. This was it. I was about to deliver life. A life that I made from scratch. From his eyebrows to his toenails. I made a human being inside me. Amazing. I still can’t really believe I did it…or that it’s done daily by women everywhere. The whole “sperm and egg turn into a child” thing still baffles me.

Once I settled into the daily routine of being a mother, although it’s anything BUT routine, I noticed that I was still emotional about children, especially infants. They’re so utterly helpless and dependant on their caregiver, that anytime I heard about a child abuse story or an abandoned infant, it just about stopped me dead in my tracks. I cried, I said “how could anyone hurt a child”, it bothered me immensely and still does.

I have grown more compassionate to children and mothers. I now understand what a mother’s job is all about, how hard it is to be a mom, how grueling and, at the same time, rewarding the process is. I feel for moms and children everyday. My tears and I have become friends instead of strangers now because I am so emotional since becoming a mother.

What Charlotte Gray says in the above quote is 100% true. Once you become a mother to your own child, you are now a mother to everyone’s child. And until you experience motherhood firsthand, you will never be able to understand the bond that forges between a mother and child. It’s so intense and so unwavering, that to describe it as unbreakable is even an understatement.

It’s so much more than that. It’s spiritual, metaphysical, and down right otherworldly. There are no words to depict the love between a mother and child. To say there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for my son doesn’t even begin to bring the statement to life. I would kill, lie, cheat, and steal for my son in any way that I needed to. I am a normal person in every day life, but make me have to flex my mothering and I, like all moms, become supernatural.

We can take on the world and anything that is thrown at us. We are the strongest and most important women in the world. We are mothers to every child. And I firmly believe that there is nothing in this world that can rise above that.

Please, share your comments and stories. Hearing what other parents have to say is empowering to all mothers.

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Diaper Changes

This post is the fifth in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, grocery shopping, diaper changes, and picking up toys. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.

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Ideas to Make Diaper Changes a Positive Experience

Let Your Toddler Choose the Location: since you probably aren’t using a changing table anymore, let your toddler pick the place. Remember that our toddlers are learning how to exercise their independence – so giving them some control is a theme that runs throughout this “gentle parenting ideas” series.

Songs/Rhymes/Fingerplays: occupy their hands by doing songs, rhymes, and fingerplays with (or without) hand motions: Itsy Bitsy Spider, Two Little Birds, Hickory Dickory Dock, etc.

Read a Book: some toddlers might want to hold a book and read to themselves, others might want to grab a favorite book that they can look at while you read (from memory).

Tell a Story: one of my biggest potty learning helps has been to ask Kieran to tell stories while he is using the potty chair. We have a notebook near the chair, and I actually write down his stories and read them back to him. If your little one doesn’t want to hold a book, this might be another way to occupy his attention while you change a diaper – you tell a story or help him make one up of his own.

Call for Reinforcement: there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, particularly if it will help everyone involved feel better about the outcome. Get someone else in there to entertain while you get down to the business end.

Practice Signing: if you are signing with your toddler, try practicing some sign language during diaper changes. If you aren’t doing sign language with your toddler, I whole-heartedly recommend that you start!

Let Them Help: trust your toddler with certain responsibilities: getting the wipe and new diaper ready; spreading out the changing mat; putting the used diaper in the pail; climbing up to the sink to wash hands; etc.

Presto, Chango: for easy changes, do it on the fly – standing up! Or on your lap. Or while your toddler is playing. Just do it fast!

Special Toys: save a few special toys/objects for diaper changing time only. Of course this will only work if you can then get the object back gently without causing a huge ruckus.

Consider Cloth: if you’ve never tried cloth diapers, consider making the switch. You can still save money and do your part to help the environment. More importantly, I know for a fact that many kids would choose cloth over plastic for the comfort factor alone. When I try to put plastic on Kieran, he pleads and begs with me, “cloth, mama, cloth!”

Nurse: there have been many occasions where I nurse while papa changes. It’s awkward, but it makes for a very peaceful change.

Naked Time: if you haven’t instituted some regular naked time in your household, now might be a good time to start. Toddlers love to be naked. I was worried that I would end up cleaning lots of accidents, but Kieran was surprisingly good about going on the potty chair when he didn’t have a diaper on. Plus, sometimes it helps to just walk away from a stressful situation – as long as the bottom is clean and it is safe for your toddler to run around without a diaper, it might be easier for everyone to forgo the new diaper until you’ve had a chance to breathe and get into a more playful mood.

Warn Them First: it’s hard to be ripped away from a fun activity to go get a clean diaper. Instead of picking your toddler up like a piece of furniture, respect her feelings by asking her if she’s ready for a change. If she’s not ready, give her a warning. Some kids do well with a timer, others just want the verbal signal.

Try a Snack: grab a snack safe for little fingers and let your little one chow down (this might work better for standing-up diaper changes).

Make a List: how many animals can your toddler name? How about animal sounds? Colors? Shapes? Make diaper time a fun recall activity time – but make sure it’s fun and not stressful for your little one. If they are uncomfortable being put on the spot about their recall abilities, it won’t make diaper changes any better.

What ideas do you have to help make diaper changes a positive experience? Please share them in the comments.

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This post has been edited from a previous version published at Code Name: Mama.

Maintaining Attachment Parenting As They Grow & Become Big Siblings…

My 20-month-old daughter is very easy to parent. Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. She’s aptly-nicknamed “Aurora the Destroyer” for her desire to explore and investigate, and her physical and mental abilities to not only climb to higher places, but figure out how to position things to climb to even higher places. But her needs, those are still simple. In her universe, most problems are still limited to being hungry, tired, dry, or bored, and most solutions are limited to food, a diaper or a breast.

My son Rowan, on the other hand, will be 7 in April, and he’s the one I struggle with. As a toddler, he was less physically draining but much more emotional than his sister, and that’s carried on into childhood. To compound things, he is in first grade with a less-than-emotionally respectful teacher, he’s a big brother, and I work from home as well. And of course, with age comes much more complex problems, and naturally, more complex solutions. With his emotional tendencies also comes some emotional outbursts — from him and me.

Being an Attachment Parent to babies and toddlers is very simple, and logically, you’re setting the groundwork then for childhood and adolescence, but maintaining the same relationship gets tougher and tougher. As we know, you can never be perfect at parenting — as your child always grows and changes, your parenting does as well. With a toddler, a job, and an upcoming move, I often feel like my changes as a parent, my growth alongside his has fallen behind, and we’re butting heads and struggling more with maintaining positive discipline and respect, both towards him and from him.

However, every time I start thinking, “What have I done wrong? Did I break our relationship?” I also stop and think, “What am I DOING wrong?” Then, the basics become clear again. Regardless of age, some things still stand true:

1. You have to stop and listen to their needs. The more distanced you are from them, the more complicated figuring them out will be. Also, the bigger they are, the more aware they are of whether or not you’re really listening and caring. Sometimes you’re going to need to have someone remove the little sibling from the room or wait for a nap so your child can really know all the attention is on them, and only them. But of course, as long as you follow through, nothing is wrong with letting your child know you need to wait until ___ time, and then you’ll sit down and talk.

2. You have to accept that you aren’t always going to be perfect… and neither are they. Sometimes you’re going to suck. Sometimes you will be really distracted, concentrating hard on something, and will say something in a less-than-ideal manner… and chances are, your kid will respond in kind. A very important lesson for you to learn is that there’s no erasing mistakes, but there’s learning from them. In fact, almost as important as what you do the first time is how you handle things when you’re patching them up.

3. Remember the behavior is only a symptom. Just like with infants, you still need to remember that they did whatever they did, or didn’t do, for a reason, and that’s what you need to figure out. Getting down at their level, with a sympathetic face and tone, is very important, but so is respecting when they’re not ready to talk. Nothing irritated me more as a child than trying to walk away so I could calm down and being followed, which leads me to…

4. Respect their autonomy. Allowing children to have a space that’s theirs, and letting them have it as somewhere they can request to be alone is invaluable. If you’ve been respectful and open and available with your child, they’ll start becoming independent all on their own, and with that comes the request for certain autonomy, like being able to have a space of their own that a sibling can’t destroy. If Rowan is annoyed with Aurora, he knows his room is a place he can do things without her interference.

5. Try to make as much time just for them. This one is particularly difficult in my household as childcare isn’t readily available or desirable for us, but even just playing a game with my son while she’s napping or nursing can make all the difference.

Overall, the general mantra is: Be patient, be present and be respectful. Life can really start making things difficult, but the longer you let the distance grow, the worse things will get. Taking the time, even when you feel you don’t have it, so close that gap again is so, so important.

What do you feel is most important when dealing with older children?

Growing Up Kind

Recently I have run in to several circumstances where my son caught the brunt of another child’s anger. He was hit and he was scratched and yet when my son hit this child later he received discipline. Why? Why would I discipline my child when seemingly the other child “deserved” retribution and somewhere in there I wanted my son to “defend” himself.

It was as I was discussing this sticky parenting situation with my husband that I remembered that I was not raising the other child. The other child was not my responsibility. What is my responsibility is my child. I want my child to be kind. No matter what. I want my child to treat other people kindly even though other people may not be kind to him. The fact is that people are not going to be kind to him all of his life, but I don’t want him to be the person who lashes back in anger. I want him to be compassionate and I want him to think about his response.

So we talk. I am so glad that he is old enough now that we can discuss some things. We talk about being nice, about being kind, about not wanting to hurt other people and why. And then, as patiently as possible, I discipline my son every time he lashes out at a child because I want him to be kind.