General Interest – Page 79

Halloween

Having neutropenia means you lack the white blood cells necessary to fight infections. Should a patient get a fever during neutropenia, they must be admitted to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics or they are very likely to die (I do not remember the numbers exactly, but its something like a 70% mortality).

The week of Halloween 2009 I found myself a pediatric inpatient at Sloan Kettering with my first neutropenic fever. Every morning I waited for my blood counts and every morning morning I was heartbroken when the count remained zero.

On Halloween morning, when I got the news I had to remain in the hospital, I cried.

During treatment, Kaylee and I were together about 1 week for every 3 and very often, I was too ill to pick her up when we were together. When I was done with treatment, I told myself I would never be separated from my little girl again.

For Halloween of 2010, she was a kangaroo and we went trick or treating in my neighborhood. I had a little hair by that time and I was healthy enough to make it down the block and back. I was so very grateful to be with my little girl on one of my favorite holidays.

During the next year, I was on a quest of healing, both physically and emotionally. This led me to get training at the Marianne Wells Yoga School and become dedicated to yoga and meditation. Through this practice, I was able to heal from much of the traumas of the past and experience life beyond the fear that is a staple of many survivors’ lives.

And before I knew it, Halloween 2011 was approaching. At that time, I decided to deepen my practice and signed up for a weekend training in California.

I had left treatment promising never to leave Kaylee and now I was about to volunteer to go away.

And so, I spent Halloween weekend in Santa Monica, CA and Kaylee spent it at home, with her father.

Fast forward to this year. I spent many weekends away at trainings to expand my practice. Every time I went away, it was so difficult to leave her and every time I came back, I was more calm and had more tools to resist reaction and respond with Love.

On October 18th I went to Mexico for more training. Although I was grateful she had such a loving and close relationship with her father and grandparents, who would be with her, it meant being separated from Kaylee for almost two weeks (trainings two weekends in a row, the first in Mexico and the second in LA). When I had signed up for the trainings, I had expected to bring her with me. Unfortunately, every plan and backup plan I had to make that happen fell through.

I arrived in LA on October 22nd. I was missing Kaylee terribly and knew it would be another week before I saw her again.

I knew in my logical mind that she was with people she loved and that she was okay. That the time we spent apart when I was ill allowed her to create very close relationships to other adults that were a safe home when I was away. That she was with people she loved. That the people she was with loved her very much. That bringing her to a weekend of long days of training would not be in her best interests.

I knew my feelings were more about my own personal desires than serving her, so I decided to let go of them.

But, I couldn’t.

She was on my mind. Everything I saw reminded me of her.

I met a little girl her age going to Disneyland. She was so excited.

“Next time.” I said to myself repeatedly, ignoring the pit in my stomach.

But then, as I meditated the next morning, everything in my heart told me “go get Kaylee.”

The message was so loud, I jumped up and went to LAX.

I hopped on the next flight home to go get my little girl.

I had no idea who would watch her or where we would stay. I just had hope that with a message so strong, everything would work out.

I booked our return flight for November 3rd (several days later than my original plan to return home on October 29), giving us enough time to go to Disney after training completed. It seemed like a nice way to balance out the long training days and plane rides.

I was like a little girl on Christmas morning.

We would not only be together for Halloween this year, but she would be able to come along with me to California.

And, we’d get to go to Disney!

I was super excited for the trip. There was no doubt in my mind that bringing her to LA was what I needed to do. I was grateful to have had the faith to listen to my intuition despite its impractical nature.

And suddenly, something unexpected then happened…

Two days into our trip there was news of a hurricane.

I hadn’t thought much about it. But then, as time went on, the nature of the storm worsened.

It was clear that bringing Kaylee to California was beyond anything I could have imagined. Had I followed the original plan, I would have been trapped in LA with my little girl in Sandy’s path.

The amount of gratitude for this experience is without words.

Even with all the separation we had experienced in her early years, my connection to Kaylee is incredibly strong. Its proven to be infinitely intelligent.

All mothers have this connection to their children. We’re wired that way. When our parenting is inline with our hearts, we keep the line clear so the important messages can be heard. Listen to it with Love. Accept it with Faith. And act on it with Hope. Because deep inside holds all we need to meet our children’s needs.

My First API Meeting: Finding My People

Welcome Sign Mosaic in Warm Tones — flickr/Nutmeg Designs

My daughter was weeks old when I realized I needed to get out of the house and find a community. The moment my daughter was born all the systems and strategies I’d read about flew out the window. I realized that I knew what felt right and what my baby needed: closeness, love, attention, and safety. I also realized that I could not sleep unless I could feel her breathing next to me.

I walked into my first API meeting with my baby in arms. Around the room were seated moms chatting, playing with their children, nursing, and laughing. Is this some kind of parenting paradise, I thought. I had never been in a room with mothers nursing toddlers, babies happily asleep in slings amidst the din of happy conversation and so much care for little people. “Welcome to our Attachment Parenting group, we are glad you are here.” said the leader. And so began my first API meeting. I had no idea what Attachment Parenting was when my first child was born. But I knew what felt right and made sense. I had no idea that there was a whole organization filled with people who felt the same and had such riches of experience and knowledge.

The meeting topic was Positive Discipline and I learned about the concept of Time In with a child vs. a Time Out. It made so much sense and yet was so counter to what I had heard my whole life. The idea that a child needs more time, attention, love and special concern when they are out of control made me immediately begin to rethink my preconceptions. Parents shared experiences and difficult situations and I heard over and over the idea that they were looking for what their children needed not how to control them.

And then there were the kids themselves. Babies and toddlers were playing on the floor in the middle of our discussion circle. Sometimes toys were snatched or thrown but I watched closely how mothers spoke to their children at these moments. Short, gentle sentences. Help for those in tears. Emphasis on empathy. But no forced sharing or robotic apologies. The older children orbited our group. Running, talking, laughing and then settling in to play in a fort they had invented under a table. Who is watching them, I kept thinking at first. But as the meeting progressed I noticed this little group of five to nine year olds was incredibly independent and very very kind to one another. I saw a moment when a little girl was trying to get into the fort and couldn’t fit. “Come on, let’s get another chair and put it here.” said another child. Hmm, I thought, this compassion idea isn’t just theory here.

What struck me most about my first API meeting was that I felt at home. I felt that I had a place where I could be open about my parenting questions without fearing that I would be berated with harsh advice. And just to see other parents in action, caring and being present for their children was priceless. I learned that I was not alone that day. I knew walking out that I now had a community: I had found my people!

Why babies don’t “behave”

Have you ever had someone comment to you how “well-behaved” your baby is? If not, don’t worry, just read on.

This compliment reflects a pervasive Western misconception about how babies function. Have you ever met an under-one-year-old who understood what society expected of him and adjusted his behavior to accomodate those expectations? I haven’t.

I was among the lucky parents who was approached by strangers who commented on my baby’s “good behavior” (as opposed to those parents who received seething glares from fellow diners at a restaurant – although, believe me, we got those, too). But I deflected every compliment with a comment on my baby’s state of mind, like, “her tummy’s full and she’s satisfied” or “she’s well-rested.”

Every parent who’s been there knows that it’s impossible to control your baby’s behavior. The best effort we can make to ensure that our baby reflects the contentment and joy we associate with “good” behavior is to anticipate and meet his needs, as well as we can.

My baby was “well-behaved” because her needs were met. She had trouble sleeping alone, so I cuddled her to sleep. She often wanted to nurse, and I met her requests as quickly as possible. She preferred being held to sitting in a carseat, so we carried her in arms or in an ergo most of her first year and well into her second.

Was my baby responsible for regulating her internal state to please strangers in restaurants and supermarkets? No. Her parents were. And believe me, we weren’t thinking about those strangers when we were doing it.

We didn’t do a perfect job, if such a thing exists, but we did the best we could. And she let us know instantly how well we were doing. And so, I guess, did all those strangers.

A Message and a Means

Today, I’m sharing my thoughts on appearing in a short documentary about Attachment Parenting, which aired on a Pittsburgh-area public television station. You can watch it here if you missed it or if you’re out of the station’s range. Enjoy!

“I’ve been asked to do this TV interview about Attachment Parenting. Should I do it?” I asked my husband.

As blog editor, interviews aren’t something I normally do. I was unsure. My concern wasn’t that I’m a nervous person in the sense that I fear being judged. It was more that my thoughts and my words are often out of sync. When I’m writing, I cut, I paste, I make liberal use of the delete key. But when I’m speaking, I need time to process what I want to say, especially when I’m being careful about it. So I expected a lot of uhmmmmmms and errrrrrrs and where was I going with this, among some stuttering….

My husband has known me long enough to know what my concerns were. And he knew there would be editing, so he shifted my focus to where it needed to be.

“It depends,” he said. “Is there anything you think the world should know about Attachment Parenting?”

This conversation happened just weeks after the media storm resulting from the TIME cover showing Jamie Lynne Grumet breastfeeding her 3-year-old. So yes, I felt that there was plenty of misinformation that needed to be straightened out about Attachment Parenting.

“You’ve been given an opportunity here. Either you can say what you think the world needs to hear about Attachment Parenting, or someone else can say what they want to say,” he said.

He knows his way around my head. I had made up my mind.

I wanted to tell the world that anyone can parent this way, regardless of lifestyle. I wanted to say that it’s not a competition. That we don’t think we’re doing things the one correct way, or the only way, or better than anyone else. I wanted to show that it’s so much more that what onlookers see – it’s more than a sling, more than where we sleep.

I had a message, and I had to step outside of my comfort zone to put it out there. I had to do it.

The day came. When the producer, Alicia, arrived, we started talking about our three-year-olds, mom-to-mom. I could tell that I was in good hands. I decided her cameraman was a nice guy too, even though he was holding a big scary camera with a movie screen-sized lens. With teeth. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but the camera intimidated me a bit.

He turned the monster camera on, and Alicia and I continued chatting. That’s it, we just talked.

The uhmmmms and errrrrs I was all worried about? I did plenty of that. Had I known how magical editing would be, I wouldn’t have given it much thought at all.

In the end, a few tripped words here and a pause or two there didn’t really matter.

Parent Support Support

API, along with its partners, Ask Dr. Sears, Attachment Parenting Canada, Lamaze International, Pathways Connect, Infant Massage USA, Holistic Moms Network, Mothering Magazine, Families for Conscious Living, and Family and Home Network, is pleased to bring the theme of “Relax, Relate, Rejuvenate: Renewed with Parenting Support” to AP Month 2012 and we hope you have been enjoying the blog posts, daily calendar tips, research on the topic of support, local events, social media posts, and increased attention on the importance of parenting support..

We celebrate the depth and value of parenting support, urging parents to find or create and appreciate their parenting support system. We particularly show our gratitude to those who make the support happen: volunteer leaders, group volunteers, and the staff teams, advocates, and donors who support them. In 18 years of offering support, API regularly hears firsthand the impact that support has on parents and their children–and it keeps API and our partners going, doing the good work.

What else keeps us going is knowing that, as parenting support organizations, we do not need to provide all the support ourselves. We turn to each other for support and collaboration, such as with this year’s theme. We enjoy a network of approaches that all contribute so much to parenting and provide parents with options that best meet their needs. We can combine our voices and raise awareness and pinpoint focus on an important topic, far exceeding what one organization could do alone. We can share developments, lessons learned, and research and all to better support parents. We think it is good for us to build each other up, to work together, all for the purpose of doing our best for families. The feedback is that you find our collaboration supportive too.

There are a lot of people to thank, including each of the AP Month 2012 partners. We welcome new ones–Pathways Connect, Holistic Moms Network, Family and Home Network, and Families for Conscious Living–for sharing the message, donating to the auction, contributing to the blog, and most of all supporting families. We also thank our long-time partners, now celebrating our 5th AP Month–Ask Dr. Sears, Mothering Magazine, Infant Massage USA, Lamaze International, and AP Canada–for promoting the theme in their communities The theme and logo this year recognize the cycle of support and how it really is a valuable renewable resource we cannot underestimate. We thank Art Yuen, AP Month Coordinator, for our theme and position statement, and bringing together the entire event with support from Kelly Johnson. Thank you to Dawn Washelesky, logo designer, for conceptualizing this year’s theme. Thank you to Angela Adams and Ashlee Gray for their work on the API auction, and to all the donors for their contributions. Thank you to Courtney Sperlazza for organizing the AP Month blog event, and Kelly Bartlett for organizing our social media activities. Thank you to Rita Brhel and her publications team, for our upcoming Attached Family issue of articles on the theme of parent support. Thank you to our featured AP Month support groups and sharing your stories. Thank you to the local API support groups for organizing events and fundraisers in support of their groups and API.

Thank you to Barbara Nicholson and Wendy Goldstein, for bringing us our Papas and Mamas Sing for Healthy Birth 2012 benefit concert. Thank you to all our many volunteers for the silent auction and ticket sales, and to Lamaze International for partnering in this effort. Thank you to our concert sponsors TriStar Health, 12South Yoga, Village Real Estate Services, Delbert McClinton and Wendy Goldstein, Trey and Lisa Calfee, and Phil and Reedy Hickey. For a one-of-a-kind night, thank you to Delbert McClinton and Band, Beth Chapman, Jonnell Mosser, Siobhan Kennedy, and Carmella Ramsey, Kevin and Yates McKendree, The McCrary Sisters, Gary Nicholson, and Doyle and Debbie. Thank you to Third and Lindsley Bar and Grill for hosting the event. Thank you to Dr. William and Martha Sears for presenting the API “Attached at the Heart” 2012 Contributions in Parenting Award to Ina May Gaskin, and recognizing our honorees Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein for their work on the Business of Being Born.

Let’s cap off this year’s celebration by making sure this good work can continue with some support of the AP Month Auction! Make your bids and show your appreciation to our donors and the work of all our volunteers.

Parent support support is a role that all of us can play, helping organizations who are dedicated to equipping and empowering parents through the most important role there is–nurturing our children for healthy lives.

API cofounder Lysa Parker on Are Parent Support Groups Revelant Anymore?

Human beings and all living things are a coalescence of energy in a field of energy connected to every other thing in the world. This pulsating energy field is the central engine of our being and our consciousness, the alpha and omega of our existence.

~Lynn McTaggart, author of The Field

As the world continues its love affair with technology, we human beings seem to become more disconnected and isolated from each other. Yet, as the quote below describes, we are connected in unseen ways–part of a larger design and consciousness. McTaggart’s book makes a strong scientific case for our interconnectedness as human beings, how we are positively or negatively affected by the energy fields within and around us. Most of us have likely experienced being around people or in an environment that gave us good or bad feelings or “vibes.” At the same time, being around others who are positive and calm when we are feeling overwhelmed or out of control can influence us to become more positive and calm, described in scientific terms, we become more “coherent.”

We’ve always known our API parent support groups had value, and the value of face-to-face support groups continues to be scientifically supported. Only recently are we beginning to understand these effects from the underlying chemical and electrical mechanisms within the human body. Just like our children, we need face-to-face human interaction, the benefits of which are palpable but immeasurable. In our support groups, we emphasize the importance of a healthy parent-child relationship. The same holds true for us as adults…it’s about relationships!

There are all kinds of studies that show the benefits of social support to our physical and mental health. Nevertheless, innovative technology has presented its challenges and has come with a price of faster communication with more isolation. We’ve either seen it or done it ourselves: adults having dinner together and never looking up from their phones; parents with their children but never really engaging them because they are either on the phone or texting.

Over the years, it’s been a real challenge for us at API as more and more parents have come to rely on the Internet for support and information. We’ve asked ourselves, how can we keep our support groups relevant and continue to attract parents when they can easily access information instantaneously through their iPads, Smart Phones, or computers? Many of our API leaders have had to deal with the ups and downs of attendance at their meetings, but it seems the pendulum is swinging back the other way as people realize that they are not feeling fulfilled or they feel emotionally isolated from their families or their friends.

It seems we are entering a new phase of awareness or consciousness, where parents are refusing to “drink the kool-aid,” to become more active and informed in their decision-making and conscious about what their children are exposed to in our culture. They are feeling the benefits of attending support groups where they have an alliance of like-minded people who share similar values for life and living. They feel safe and supported in their decisions and feel a part of a larger movement for changing the old paradigm.

We envision a time when the Principles of attachment parenting are so integrated into our culture that there’s no question that this is the accepted and optimal way to raise our children, but we will always need support because we were never meant to raise children in isolation–and we shouldn’t. We are indeed all connected and what happens to one of us happens to all of us.

AP Month Blog Event – Featured Posts on Growing into Motherhood

We conclude our AP Month Blog Event with two posts from Anita and Bonnie, who explore the change in mindset that happens when you become a parent.

Anita writes about her shift from striving in her career to thriving as a mother. http://singaporemotherhood.com/articles/2012/10/finding-my-balance-as-a-mother/

Below, Bonnie Coffa writes about how API changed her approach to motherhood.

API-Induced Rewiring of One Mama’s Brain

by Bonnie Coffa

Although at times we feel alienated when caring for a young child, we do not parent in a vacuum. How we parent is shaped by how we were parented, family, friends, pediatricians, books and prenatal classes, to name a few. I voraciously read every parenting book I could get my hands on. This is how I fortuitously stumbled upon the books and inspirational blog pages that introduced me to the world of natural childbirth and attachment parenting (AP) that would forever change my parenting style. Books such as Birthing from Within, Pushed, Spiritual Midwifery, Raising Your Spirited Child, Last Child in the Woods, Peaceful Parenting, The No Cry Sleep Solution and countless others (recalled from memory, so my apologies for title butchering).

While, helping out Samantha Gray on an API grant application, I started thinking about how my parenting strategies have evolved. Specifically how API and the Nashville attachment parenting group have changed my mindset about how children should behave, and how I react to my son, Michael. Prior to learning about AP and attending meetings, I often felt resentful of my son’s frequent night waking and always wanting to be held. I kept wondering what I was or had done wrong. I kept trying to “fix” my son, and in my attempt, I kept a meticulous diary of daily events (what he ate, what I ate (since he was avidly nursing), bathing, sunshine exposure, and other obscure items (and the order which they were performed), and how they had impacted his night-time sleeping, which bordered OCD and makes me chuckle now. I was convinced that I would find the culprit and solve the frequent night waking, without using cry-it-out (CIO) methodology.

In my attempts to find an answer, I found a group of API mothers in Nashville, TN. API rotated my parenting style 180 degrees. I threw out the daily journal and stopped trying to “fix” Michael. I started to see him in a new light. He didn’t have a problem, he was just acting like a little boy and was only asking to have his basic needs met. It turned out that I was looking for the answer to the wrong question. The answer to my problem (emphasis on my) was acceptance of Michael’s personality and a revamping of my parenting ideals. Some infants adjust better to life outside the womb, than others and I realized Michael was having a tough time.

I remember having conversations with the pediatrician regarding letting him cry himself to sleep in his crib (and other self-soothing techniques) and reducing the night feedings, so he would sleep longer and gain weight (by drinking more cow’s milk and less breast milk, which is so backwards). After learning from the API group that breast milk contains higher fat content during the night, why on earth would I try and limit those feedings, especially when he needed that extra caloric content. I remember one mama’s advice about not counting the night feedings and the moral support “that this too will pass” and “they are only little for such a short time”. My favorite quote was “no mother has ever regretted hugging and holding her child too much”. I was fortunate to find out about my local API group and have their support and the knowledge that I am not alone, which in itself was very helpful. After a while, I adopted the mindset of “don’t ask, don’t tell” when it came to areas such as sleeping through the night and weaning. Most mom’s feel they are doing something wrong, if their baby isn’t sleeping through the night and needs to be nursed, or rocked to fall asleep.

Having been a part of the Nashville AP group was especially important for me, since I had been lacking support and encouraging in my attempts at peaceful parenting. Going to the pediatrician’s office was like preparing for war. I needed to make sure I was armed with data and information; to rebuttal the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations (more like restrictions). I don’t want to condemn all pediatricians that are simply trying to care for our children as they were taught in medical school and from textbooks. But, I wish more pediatricians would question information and research their stance, prior to adopting the American Association of Pediatricians stance. For example, the recent article claiming no long term damage associated with letting infants cry it out. This article was taken at face value, instead of weighing the strength of the scientific evidence prior to AAP running with it. Just because this publication provided data indicating that CIO appears to produce no long-term damage to children, did they perform a true scientific assessment of the study? Did they conduct the study appropriately, were the endpoints appropriate for their conclusions, what were the limitations and did they interpret the study findings appropriately. Moral of the story, we tend to get caught up in what pediatricians and people around us tell us regarding babies. That they will be spoiled if we do this and that. That they need to fall on a growth chart in terms of height and weight (aren’t those growth chart data points from formula fed infants). That infants should cry it out, or they’ll never learn to sleep on their own. It’s infuriating that the wellbeing of our children is being compromised. What price are we paying by forcing and molding a child into adapting to our needs, especially in the cases where the mothers are uneasy about doing such things, but everyone around them is reinforcing the concepts that your child needs to sleep through the night, eat more solids, and yada-yada. I won’t say that I don’t get stressed out, but on average, I try to see his point of view. He’s only acting like a child, and it is me that is being a baby. The closeness and warmth children receive is important for proper brain development and maturation into emotionally and psychologically balanced individuals. This is where AP groups are invaluable. They can be a resource, particularly for parents that are surrounded by anti-AP philosophies. Many parents aren’t familiar with attachment parenting and tend to parent their children similarly to how they grew up or take for fact statements made by pediatricians. I think it is critical that API gains greater exposure.

Despite having moved from Nashville, TN to Richmond, VA, I am grateful to still remain a part of the Nashville Attachment Parenting group via the yahoo group.

I cannot emphasize enough how important support groups like API are in providing a support system that helps fill this void many families encounter when raising a child. As the Canadian psychologist, Bruce Alexander stated, we live in a dislocated society (free market economies promote the dislocation from family and community). After all, it does take a village to raise a child, and in today’s society, those villages are scant and this puts a strain on the parents. I often wonder how the lack of support systems contributes to the rise in the number of bullies and drug and non-substance addictions, but that is a separate blog.

I hope that many other families too will be privileged to learn and reap the benefits of attachment parenting, and dispel the myths that negatively tinge AP.

Happy parenting!

Maybe Next Year

While I wade through a (wonderfully lucky) year of maternity leave with my two small children, I’ve found myself occasionally deluged with the continual motion of the world around me. Nothing has stopped since my son was born in January – friends and family members and groups f which I am a part are having parties and weekends away and all manner of events that, while they sound amazingly fun, just do not work for me. I have a 3.5-year-old. I have an 8-month-old. My days are spent driving to preschool, doing laundry, prepping dinner, soothing boo-boos, mitigating tantrums, singling lullabies. My evenings are spent nursing and rocking and collapsing into bed. So I’ve found myself saying this a lot lately: “Maybe next year.”

Parenting, obviously, involves many choices. Lots of those choices inevitably mean sacrifice or compromise on the part of the parent. Now, on the one hand, I firmly believe that part of being an effective and loving parent is meeting my own needs in addition to those of my children – whether that be a monthly pedicure, book club, La Leche League meeting, whatever. But the plain fact is: if those things that I want interfere with my #1 job, that of parent, I need to consider back-burnering them for a bit.

I didn’t come to this place glibly or quickly. With my first child, that sometimes suffocating intensity of single-child mothering pushed me into occasional frustration over my lack of freedom. But now with my second child, for some reason, I find much more peace in simply doing what my baby needs of me. For my son, at least right now, that means me being with him for frequent nursing and cuddling from his bedtime at about 7 pm until 10 or 11, during which time he is restless and wakeful and just needs me nearby to settle in for some deep sleep later at night. Yes, it pretty much limits my evening activities to reading Kindle books on my iPhone in the dark. But this time around it’s a lot easier for me to know that it’s just for now. It will change. So all those things I might like to do? They just don’t make sense for my family right now. To put it in perspective…

Things I am Missing This Year:

Maya Angelou speaking at a local university.
Concerts by some of my favorite bands that hardly ever come to my area.
Margarita-soaked evenings with girlfriends.
Dinner-and-a-movie dates with my husband. Well, any evening date with my husband, really.

Things I am NOT Missing:

Reading Goodnight Moon to my little boy while he tries to eat the pages.
Singing him to sleep in my arms with Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love” as we walk around in the dark.
Snuggling with my daughter and husband after the baby is asleep, listening to her “read” Dr. Seuss’ “What Was I Scared Of” in her expressive, lispy little girl voice.
A rare few quiet moments after both kids are asleep and my husband and I can actually have a conversation, where, instead of talking about politics or the latest new release, we inevitably talk about how amazing it is to us that our daughter can recite entire books, or how cute our son is when he tucks his lower lip in and hums like he’s talking to us.

Concerts and speakers and date nights and girls’ evenings out will still be there next year or the year after that. But my children will only be this little once, and as each month slips all too quickly between my fingers, I am sure that I am exactly where I need to be. Next year my kids will need me a teeny bit less. And the year after that, even less. And less and less until they will have whole lives, whole personal dramas playing out beyond my knowledge, whole days and weeks and years where I am not the center of their existence. I am so needed right now – more than I will ever be again – and that knowledge makes it easier to turn down those invitations. With any luck I will have years to do those things, but this little boy asleep with his soft fuzzy head on my chest will be grown before I know it, and I’m sure it is this I will want to remember.