As mothers, especially those of us who practice attachment parenting; we truly believe that there is nothing more precious than our children. We love them unconditionally and raise them to be kind, loving, and compassionate towards others. We understand the importance of meeting our children’s unique and individual needs, and we strive to treat them with respect and understanding.
Growing up I was taught to treat everyone equal. “Treat others in the same manner that you would want to be treated” my mother would say. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. Now that I am a mother I realize that not only is it the right thing to do, but it is the necessary thing to do for several reasons. The whole theory behind AP is that by raising our children in an empathetic manner, we will be raising a more empathetic generation of children who are aware of the needs and feelings of others. This type of chain has the potential to impact society in a massively positive manner. I teach my daughter to be kind to others regardless of their differences not only because I want her to grow up to be a kind, compassionate member of society, but also because her peers will be right there alongside her as she grows. The way that children are treated now drastically impacts the way they will behave later in life. Children who are treated with kindness will generally grow to be kind individuals, while children who are bullied, teased, and treated like outcasts have a far greater chance of growing up to be hardened, distrusting, and aggressive. I would much rather my daughter grow to be surrounded by positive, empathetic, and caring people than by people who have been conditioned to expect the worst.
In filling in for another daycare provider last week, I was faced with the task of explaining to several children the importance of being kind and patient to a child with behavioral issues. I explained to them that they needed to be understanding and accepting of his differences and to treat him the same way that they want to be to treated. When this kind of acceptance is taught from an early age, it begins to shape the way that our children behave towards others. By raising our children to be kind and accepting, we are shaping a kinder and brighter future. And that’s the kind of world we want our children to live in!
Jillian Amodio is an author, writer, speaker, and Attachment Parenting advocate. First and foremost however she is a wife and mother. Jillian believes that family is life’s most precious gift. Her passion for family and parenting has led her to devote much of her work to educating others about topics pertaining to family, marriage, and parenting. Visit her website and blog to learn more about her work.
I remember when my children were newborns, they used to grasp my finger when I laid it in their tiny palms. A tight little grasp that seemed to say, “This is what I need. I want you here with me, and I’m not letting go.” I know it wasn’t cognitive; it was a reflex. A sign of normal brain functioning that slowly disappeared as they matured.
Though the reflex faded, the hand-holding didn’t. I continued to put my hand in theirs every opportunity I could. Maybe I was still checking to see if the reflex was still there. In some way, I think it was. You put your hand into a child’s hand and they can’t seem to help holding it back.
I held my kids’ hands when I bounced them on my lap, when they took their first steps, and when we toddled around the yard. I held their hands during doctor appointments, going to various classes, and meeting new people. I even held their hands when they didn’t need to be held. Like when they’d ride on my back in the soft carrier and I’d criss-cross my arms to grasp their little hands around my sides. Or when we were just sitting next to each other on the couch reading or watching a movie, or sometimes when we’d sit across from each other in a restaurant. There was never a time when I didn’t enjoy having their hands in mine.
Over the years and in a variety of situations, I have held my children’s hands gently, safely, respectfully, kindly, lovingly, firmly, and habitually.
Above all, purposefully. A mother’s touch provides children with an instant sense of belonging. Our embraces say, “You are here with me, and this is exactly where you belong.”
Most recently, I held my kids’ hands as we navigated the parks at Disney World. In these busy parks, I never worried about where they were or that they might run off and disappear into the sea of bodies that filled park walkways. Because my kids never stopped seeking my hands. My hand-hold with each of them was their point of security in an extremely stimulating, constantly noisy, constantly busy environment. My hand, as it always has been, was their connection to safety. It was where they belonged, and it was where they wanted to be. Walking hand in hand.
Our three-year-old son enthusiastically yells these words as we step out the door each and every day! That may seem like something every child says but let me tell you why this warms my heart and inspires me to share with you.
My little Aston was inflicted with many chronic issues since three months of age. We spent most of his first two and a half years of life in the doctor’s office, the hospital, on a nebulizer and suffering in some way. This never stopped Aston from smiling and persevering though. In fact, it made him stronger and more compassionate.
He doesn’t want attention when something is wrong. He actually wants to prove that he can endure it and wants to move on to more exciting things. He is a deep thinker. He is a philosopher. He is wise beyond his years. He touches my heart and melts it with each word he utters and each action he takes.
I am an attachment parent. I am so grateful that I get to be with my two boys all the time and that we are so close. I am thankful that I chose to breastfeed for an extended period of time and was blessed with an abundance of milk for over five years. I wore both boys until they were ready to be on their own. I continue to co-sleep today.
I am sharing these things because I wouldn’t have it any other way. When something is wrong, I am right there. When I am needed, I am there. We are so connected and I know my boys like I know myself. Aston communicates clearly whenever something is bothering him. He tells me if his stomach hurts and why. He tells me if he can handle it or if he needs something. He reminds me to give him his medicine and vitamins each day.
I want to mention a very important person to us and how she has made such a huge difference in our lives, Dr. Nancy. I am so thankful we were led to her and she is the greatest pediatrician we could’ve asked for. She practices homeopathy which is what I believe in and use for myself and my family. She guides me and I trust her. Thank you Dr. Nancy for all that you have done for my boys and for all that you continue to do even from afar these days. We love you.
As we are on this journey around the world, I see my son growing. I see him thriving in a way I always knew he could and would. His brain is always working and his imagination is always creating. As we walk the streets of each city, rain or shine, he grabs my hand and says, “Mommy, let’s run!” When I slow down, he says, “Let’s run faster, Mommy.” When I am tired he runs over to Daddy for some more.
This brings tears to my eyes each day and as I write this. He is my little Rocky Balboa. I see him in his sweat pants and hooded sweatshirt running his little heart out with more soul and love than I can even express. He inspires me. He shows me how to live. He shows me how to Love. He is my little angel.
His big brother loves him so much and he loves his big brother just as much. They are so close and so connected and for this, I am so grateful also. As Aston runs each day, Pierce lets him lead and he says, “Aston is the fastest runner ever.” If you knew how fast Pierce was, you would understand why this is so sweet and says so much about Pierce. I am so proud of my sons and I love witnessing their precious souls develop and grow each day.
This trip is all about allowing each of us to grow at our own speeds. To let life unfold before us as we discover new lands and new people. We learn as we go. We spread love like we are sprinkling fairy dust through the air. Our education is life and the rewards are priceless. We have never been closer or more connected as a family.
Aston’s spirit is what guides him. He won’t let anything hold him back and he wants to take in and savor all of the splendor this life offers. I feel the same way about life and I am truly grateful for every second I am given.
“Let’s Run.” I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow, hear those words…and do it again.
I guess I’m a pretty typical parent. I am busy and my family is busy. We do lots of fun things and we do lots of things that just need to get done. When it all adds up, we are stretched a little thin. We are tired and we need some down time.
My husband and I have recently started turning one day of the weekend into our own Day Off From the World. We spend time together with our daughters. That is the only agenda. We don’t schedule anything. We leave all screens off. We get outside. We cook a lot. We read a lot. We listen to music. We dance and play. We nap. We bake things. We paint and create things. We make a mess. We chase each other. We hide and we seek. We build forts and snuggle in them. We spend one day of the weekend just being together.
When we started this practice we saw our daughters transform from their tired cranky end of the week selves into their energized joyous selves. They love having us present and participating with them all day. Time does not rush or push. There is no “have to, must, or should.” Their creativity astounds me every time.
Today my three year old handed me a ball of yarn and said, “hold on and go hide.” She held on to the end and I let the yarn spool out behind me as I walked to my hiding place. After finishing her counting she began collecting the yarn, slowly making her way to me in my hiding place. “I found you!” she announced. “Next time hide better.”
Meanwhile, my six year old and my husband were snuggled in the blanket fort we had constructed earlier that morning. He is telling her about his adventures as a child riding his blue bike. Her questions come one after another asking for more and more detail.
These games and moments of connection need time to come about. They need unstructured non rushing time. Children have fantastic imaginations and they are naturally inquisitive. What if they were not always on their way somewhere to do something? What if the doing was just being together? Helpful for us grownups too maybe?
After our day off we feel rested. Our emotional cups are full. We have connected and reconnected. We have talked and hugged and told stories from our week. Each of us has spent time with each other member of the family. As we head into another week we are full with the feeling that we belong to this family, to these people we love.
So take a hint from ancient traditions and modern wisdom. Whether it is observing the Sabbath or listening to the advice in the book Simplicity Parenting: take a day off. Connect with your people. The world will be there when you get back.
Hey there! I am looking forward to being a regular contributor here at APtly Said. My name is Jillian and I am a twenty-two-year-old wife and mother.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted nothing more than to have a happy family. When I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of eighteen I was suddenly struck by the realization that my dream of having children may not come true. Hearing words like infertility at such a young age was not something that my husband and I were prepared for.
After rigorous treatments including surgery and induced menopause I found temporary relief from my painful symptoms. My husband and I resigned ourselves to the idea that if we were meant to conceive a child then it would happen when it was supposed to. Nearly three years after my diagnosis we found out we were expecting our first child!
From that moment, I knew that there was nothing more rewarding than being a mother. My husband and I both made the decision that I would be a stay at home mom. We could not bear the thought of entrusting our most precious possession to anyone else while both of us worked outside of the home. My decision to stay home and raise my daughter has been met with both criticism and praise. I have been both praised for my dedication to my family and also condemned for my ‘laziness.’ No matter how others perceive our decision, we could not be happier, and neither could our daughter. She is an incredibly bright child, full of life, energetic, curious, confident, and so very very loved.
Midway through our pregnancy I was put on bed rest due to complications. I had a lot of time to read, think, and reflect on what type of parent I wanted to be. Before we were even familiarized with the term attachment parenting my husband and I knew that these were the type of parents we wanted to be. We wanted to be available, loving, positive, and bonded.
Practicing this type of parenting, especially in a society that has strayed so far from instinctual and basic parenting practices can be difficult. Even so the profound effects it has on families and well, society as a whole is incredible!
As a family, we have found great success and great comfort with the principles of attachment parenting. As we continue to grow in our roles as parents, and as our daughter continues to grow in character and stature, we are excited to see the continuous benefits that this style of parenting is sure to have on us.
“I’m not going in.” Kaylee screamed as I opened the door to our apartment building. It had been months since I left and the transition coming back from her dad’s was still difficult.
She was tugging on my shirt with alligator tears clung to her cheeks and snot running down her face.
“I wish you and daddy lived together… I want to live with both of you… I want to live in our old house…” The sentences were separated by heaving breaths and my heart dropped every time I heard her gasp for air.
“I know its hard. You want us to be together.”
I gave her space and let her know I was available for a hug. I smiled at anyone who passed and stayed with her, allowing her to release the strong emotions.
After what seemed an eternity, she calmed enough to come into the building and we walked to the elevator.
The moment we got into the apartment, she ran to the couch and returned to crying.
“I hate it here and I hate you!” She screamed.
It wasn’t upsetting to hear the words, but to have known she meant it. At least for a moment.
At that moment, she was feeling enough pain to hate the person she loved most.
A pain I had the key to solving and would not.
I stood there, alone, looking around the room and into her eyes as if this pain would just disappear.
I breathed. I did everything I could to stay connected to my heart so I could hold the space for her response and then let it go.
I wondered when this would end. When she would accept having two homes and separate parents. And then I realized that it may never. That the desire to have her parents together may always be there.
Just like I wish my father was still alive, she wants nothing more than to go back to being a family.
But that is life. Filled with so many opportunities to learn the most difficult lessons.
Lessons only love can heal.
And part of parenting is learning how to be the neutral, loving support your child needs when life brings them a trial. When all you want to do is solve their problem and wipe their tears away.
After a few minutes, she calmed down and ran over to me.
“I love you mommy.” Relief came over me as I felt her arms wrap around my neck.
“I love you too.” I closed my eyes and held her tight.
And in my head I told myself, “Its going to be okay.”
In my parenting, the goal of obedience doesn’t exist. It’s important to emphasize the part about it being a goal. Notice that I didn’t say, “Obedience doesn’t exist in our household.” I mean that our children’s obedience to my husband and me is not something we specifically aim for.
I get its importance, though, and I understand why parents expect it. It’s nice! And sometimes necessary. We tell our kids to do things because we want them to be safe and healthy. Most directions are not urgent: It’s time to get your shoes on. Please clear your plate. Go throw your garbage away. Though some directions are: STOP! (running in the street). Since we give a multitude of necessary directions every day, compliance is certainly a nice perk, not to mention needed.
But it’s also important to keep in mind that kids under age 7 are going through crucial periods of development of their autonomy and will…certainly the toughest years for expecting obedience. This is not to say I don’t have any expectations of my kids. I do.
I expect them to have feelings. My wishes may or may not line up with their objectives, and they will have feelings about that.
I expect them to express their feelings; to feel free to communicate with me at a level that is appropriate for their development.
I expect them to help take care of themselves.
I expect them to contribute to the family and household.
I expect them to be autonomous; to do things for themselves.
I expect them to take initiative; to have their own ideas and want to see them through.
I expect them to not like everything that needs to be done. I don’t. No one does.
When I shift my perspective on behavior and aim for an understanding, attached relationship rather than simple obedience, my children are naturally inclined to follow my directions. We have the kind of relationship in which, when I say, “STOP!” or “NO!” in a dangerous situation, they stop immediately. They’re not behaving out of conditioned obedience or because I have actively taught them to obey as one of my goals of raising them. They listen to me because of the status of our relationship. Our connection, combined with the notes of urgency and fear in my voice, creates a crystal clear distinction between this kind of communication and all of our regular daily interactions. There is no need for spankings, isolating time-outs, punishments, or shameful exclamations of “How could you do that?” and, “Just go to your room and stay there!” It’s because of the connected relationship I have with my kids that when I say “No” with authority, I don’t have to say anything else.
So, although my husband and I don’t expect obedience from our kids, we get it. Why? Why does it happen so naturally and willingly?
Because we recognize our kids’ objectives. We know that, as kids, they have other ideas and different priorities than we parents do.
Because we value their feelings. And we prove it by listening and accepting them on a daily basis.
Because we communicate with respect and empathy.
Because we aim for understanding…their feelings, their goals, their interests & disinterests. We make it a priority to know what makes our kids tick.
Because we value their uniqueness. The way they’re not like any other kids.
Because we aim to be aware of their levels of physical, cognitive, and emotional development.
All of this leads to a close, secure, attached relationship. My husband and I replace a goal of obedience with one of connection and trust instead. Because if there is connection and trust in a parent-child relationship, guess what comes naturally? Obedience. Children are drawn to “do right by” those to whom they are emotionally connected.
Do our kids ever “disobey?” Of course. But we don’t see it like that. We see all of these moments in which they’re “not listening” with an understanding of who our children are and what they need. It’s not personal, it’s developmental. I find that if I shift my perspective from You need to do what I say! to one of How can we solve this problem to meet everyone’s needs?, my directions do get carried out. I see ‘not listening’ as…
a child having strong, very acceptable, very human feelings. Children need validation and acceptance.
immature brain development. Children need time to develop brain connections necessary for self control and self-discipline.
an example of a child exerting autonomy and initiative. This is very developmentally appropriate; children need to be autonomous.
a show of distance in our relationship. Children need to feel a sense of significance and belonging.
Meet the needs, get the cooperation.
Instead of expecting obedience from my children, I have shifted my thinking to expect developmentally appropriate behavior. I understand my kids’ social, emotional, and cognitive capabilities, and I work on cultivating a relationship based on that understanding. By parenting not strictly for obedience, but for a combination of a connected relationship and authority, kids give their willing cooperation by default.
I’ve swept up the Art Room. This room is my writing room and has also become my son’s chaos room. He paints here, plays here, and learns here. It is a womb of flashcards, water color trays, brushes, paper, stuffed animals, clothes, crayons, play kitchen items, toy trains, race cars, and other toddler toys. There has been plenty of times when I had to use power washing dublin to clean my carpets full of paint and dirt from the backyard. Carpets shouldn’t stay damp for too long. Carpets and rugs are lovely, comfy and comfy . Used and maintained correctly, they’re ready to last several years, and become an origin of wonderful pride and happiness. But when not taken care of, unattractive damage could cause numerous problems. The key to any carpet treatment — vacuum-cleaning — must be consistent and complete. Some research has shown an honest vacuum-cleaning can eliminate up to 80% of soil inside a textured plush carpeting. supported use and placement, carpets must be cleaned by professionals carpet cleaning Ann Arbor annually , and spot cleaned as required within the meantime. Drymaster Carpet Cleaning has been operating in the Newcastle since 1990 and has the experience, equipment and procedures to service your premises.There are many varied methods of steam cleaning your carpets. The most common form of steam cleaning is a 1 stage process, where a cleaner will bring to your home a portable machine, similar to the machine that you can rent from the local supermarket or hardware store. This steam cleaning machine is filled with water and detergent and your carpet is cleaned without any pre spray or agitation. This method cleans your carpet without a rinse process and unfortunately leaves detergent residue in your carpet which will promote rapid re soiling. This steam cleaning method is over 20 years old and is not the preferred method by most carpet cleaners today, but unfortunately is still being used by a lot of budget type cleaning companies. Carpet cleaning experts in Newcastle also offers our customers the carpet Dry Cleaning method. Carpets are indeed one of the most important things that we can find in our homes. These can make or break the look the whole room. This is why most people always make it a point to have carpets in their homes so that their homes will look as elegant and as nice as they should be. This is true only under one condition. carpet cleaning usually look their best especially when they are still clean and new. A newly bought or installed carpet would always pull the look of the simplest room there is. Most carpet owners do make it a point to maintain the cleanliness of their carpets. We all know how carpets attract dirt so much. Even if we try to take care and keep our carpets clean, there will always be a stain that will begin to pop out of it. Once a carpet looks very dirty, this can now destroy the look of the whole room. This can now leave the room very untidy and not well cleaned. This is the primary reason why you should always maintain the cleanliness of your carpets all the time. Whether you do this on your own or you hire carpet removal service to do so, you need to make sure that your carpets look as new as they should. One equipment that has really made carpet cleaning such an easier but effective cleaning job is a vacuum cleaner. These are tools or equipment which are used to suck out dirt which are trapped within the fibers of the carpet. This is very effective when you want to remove the solid particles, allergens and the dust which have stayed in the carpet. Although cleaning the carpet thoroughly, removing the stains do need extensive cleaning procedures in order to remove them in the best way possible.
Ten minutes before I swept, it looked like a bomb of paper based material exploded. Add crayons, spoons, plastic play food, children’s books, stickers, paper, paint, M & M’s, and one toddler. Chaos.
My son painting in the Art Room. You can see the toddler debris on the floor.
The pile I’m looking at could be swept into a dustpan quickly. And then it would be gone.
But I have to sort out the debris. What is recyclable — at least the paper and plastic.
I’m tempted though to do one clean sweep then I could attempt to floor mop the wood floors. This is my favorite room in the house. It has twelve foot ceilings and pine wood floors with amazing detail that I got thanks to the work of the professional from Epoxy Flooring Bellevue. It has a south facing window which centers the room — one large window nine feet high by three feet. Visit website for more details about DIAMOND COATING EPOXY FLOORING OTTAWA.
A rare treat this past Saturday — a snowstorm with big chunky snowflakes. You can see the window to my art room in this photo.
This room is never organized completely, only at best, neatened up. My husband has recently installed a shelf system in the closet to organize my on-going writing and art projects. Confession: I am a pack rat and have kept every paper based memory and scrap of paper. I have all my art projects from elementary school (thanks to my mom). I have the first note a boy gave me in sixth grade asking me out. Check yes, no, maybe.
I have kept every letter and card I received as an enthusiastic pen pal writer in the 80’s, including letters from my pen pal from Japan and Costa Rica.
Check out that postmark — 1987, complete with a bubble gum scratch & sniff stickerPen pal letter from Japan
***
My feet stick to the wood floor. Invisible toddler tape perhaps. As Ben calls it, sticky gooey. Everyone is asleep as I pull it together to do the impossible — clean this room. My goal is to see the floor. I start with baby steps picking up loose paper. I recycle what I can. I take a deep breath and recycle the toddler art I don’t want to keep. Should I keep them all? For Pete’s sake — I have over ninety-nine. Throw them out. He will paint more. Trust.
My son’s art gallery in the Art Room
I pick up the books my son loves to dump from the toddler height bookshelf. The rest is a blur. A complicated system in my head of mathematical and analytic order takes over. I put things where I think they may belong. Piles. Lots of piles. They are off the floor for now.
What remains is still covering the floor: a pool of colored collage.
A blue plastic spoon with three vertical grooves lays angled across a scribbled toddler art paper. A crumbled napkin dyed with faded water color paints rests on top. A fluorescent pink index card with pen and ink scribbles hangs to the far right of the pile. The outfielder of the pile — catching loose grounders — about an inch away is a brown dog bone sticker the length of a penny.
A receipt for a failed fertility treatment from August 8, 2008 sits on top of the crayon stew. $244 reminding me of our desperation to be with child. Forever ago.
How did Ben find this bill? I know — he opened the file cabinet. The poor thing is shoulder height to Ben — completely accessible to his exploratory curiosity. (Yes, file cabinets have feelings; they like order — toddlers must make them nervous).
A black teaspoon lays across another fluorescent pink index card. A cardboard white cake mix box next to an empty ink cartridge. Crayons: thick canary yellow, yellow green, navy blue — all visible. Too much. I’m overwhelmed. I’m just going to sort out the paper, crusted in sticky toddler chaos boogers — subtract from the pile.
A black sock bundled. A page from Ben’s favorite book, Wacky Wednesday torn out. I can’t throw this away; it’s the eleven wild wacky things park scene. Ben loves to point them out. The page with the purple limo with the old lady in purple, pushing the yellow buggy on top of the limo.
A wild eyed yellow giraffe sticks his head out of a pothole.
Wacky Wednesday book
The pile is lessened: progress.
A copper penny: head’s up, 2002.
A crayon crumb collage, fit for 80’s wax paper iron art projects, on the back of a glossy 8 x 10. I scoop it up and use it as a dustpan, moved enough by the bright colors to take a photo. Too lazy to find my camera, I toss the debris in the garbage.
Flipping the photo over, I see my fourth grade class from 2008. I was so hungry to be a mom in that photo: infertile. I put the photo on top of the printer paper atop my scanner.
The pile still there on the floor.
Next, fetch the plastic Ziploc bag for the crayons: thick purple broken tip still sharp; navy blue — the triangle grip; a plastic crinkle cut French fry (I hate these tiny outliers too tiny for toy bins). I’ve been throwing them away one by one, even though they fit neatly into the red McDonald’s fry holder, which I hate and soon it will get the cut. I’ll recycle it though.
The plastic corn ear goes into the keep pile. Place white play cake mix with it. My son thinks he is Chef Ramsey. All play kitchen items are keepers.
My therapist’s card (currently going to grief therapy) — I need to call her and make an appointment. This goes on top of my desk.
Blue M & M — throw it away. Maybe eat it.
A scribbled passage for a book I am working on — into the closet.
Yellow green, verde Amarillo, verte-jaune goes into the bag. An orange colored pencil soon behind it.
Turquoise thick Sharpie — no cap, dry as the desert.
Recycle?
Red crayon, red colored pencil. Cheap Rose Art red crayon, orange stub, green stub, thick blue, thin black, thick brown, thick blue — the other half. Royal blue plastic spoon — pile with black teaspoon.
More crayons: purple, navy blue, thick orange, thick red — sticky vegetable potato chip crumbs rolled around it like a Yule log.
Joan Miro eraser
Joan Miro 97 eraser from the Denver Art Museum — bought single, bought solo — a lifetime ago.
A persuasive journal prompt, a rogue teaching resource unearthed and liberated by my son from it’s tidy box.
Art Blast washable water colors packaging — not a good idea unsupervised. At least I can recycle the packaging: cardboard.
My son, Ben painting his masterpieces
Another persuasive writing prompt card.
I think a piece of dried poop was on the white index card.
A pastel purple index card.
I smell poop. Affirmative on the poop crumb.
Wow, I keep everything (not the poop); I should have just swept all this stuff up.
A brown twig.
My friend’s self-published poetry book makes the cut, only because it is inscribed and has “Congrats on the baby” on the inside cover — a reminder of graduate school and my miracle pregnancy.
I’m tired and sleepy. The rest of the pile is going into the dustpan, which actually is just non-recyclable garbage.
I walk by the window, curtains open and turn off the light sneaking a peek at the beauty of this room — the chaos of this room and marvel at the chaos tidied up (for now).
Stained glass fleur de lis my husband made sitting in Art Room window
What are the things you hold onto and what are the things you throw away? How do you keep your child’s playroom tidy?
