Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, & Parenting – Page 24

Going Against the Grain: Labor and Delivery

I wrote here about the struggles that arise when your parents disagree with your parenting. The feedback was overwhelming and I have decided to share my own story of going against the grain and my path to attachment parenting. I do this in the hopes that you will take a few minutes to share your stories about overcoming prejudice, digging deep to make wise decisions, and sometimes defending those decisions. In a world where many moms and dads (including me) live far away from most of their extended family, in a world where attachment parenting seems radical, stories and advice from people like you are what inspired me, encouraged me, and ultimately kept me from pulling all my hair out. Let’s collect stories and be a tribe of support and encouragement to one another. (Here is my story of going against the grain during pregnancy.)

Can I just get something of my chest? Going through Labor and Delivery is not the same as going through brain surgery! For brain surgery you need anesthesia, an operating room, IV’s, and monitors. You also need to schedule brain surgery in advance. You do not need anesthesia for Labor and Delivery. You do not need to be in an operating room for Labor and Delivery. You do not need to be hooked up to IV’s and monitors for Labor and Delivery. You do not need to schedule your Labor and Delivery.

Sure, sometimes women make more medicalized choices. I know several Attachment Parenting moms who hate Fetal Heart Rate Monitors and only have periodic monitoring or none at all. I also know Attachment Parenting moms who feel confident knowing (via Fetal Heart Rate Monitors) that baby is doing great and they can just focus on laboring. Women choose hospital births. (I did!) Women choose homebirth. Sure, sometimes interventions are necessary. Inductions (like mine) save mothers and babies from the real risks of eclampsia. Babies lives are literally saved through C-sections. But all these interventions that are necessary for everyone facing brain surgery are not necessary for everyone who is in labor.

My extended family and friends have had a hard time grasping this concept. People thought I was “radical,” “liberal,” even “putting my unborn son in danger” because of my decisions regarding Labor and Delivery. Many people are raised viewing childbirth as a medical event. Many people don’t question something their doctor says is safe.

I was pretty open about my plans and hopes for my labor and delivery. People questioned me, thought I was crazy, didn’t understand. My mom (while I was 8 centimeters dilated and panting through a contraction) raised a fuss because I had chosen to stay in a skirt and tank top instead of put on a hospital gown. So just imagine how she reacted when I was considering a homebirth!

The thing that frustrates me the most are uneducated comments. I can deal with sincere curiosity, incredulity, even open disagreement or the inevitable “Well what if…” questions. But when people just repeat something they’ve heard or learned from a TV show… I find it difficult to stay calm and not let their comments get to me.

How do you walk the line between respectfully educating someone and just letting a lost cause go?

The best advice I received regarding Labor and Delivery came as a question from my husband: “Doesn’t making a birth plan set you up to be disappointed?” My husband and I did make a birth plan together. We researched, talked, argued, agreed, and disagreed. In the end we had a learned a lot about our choices and possible challenges we might face and how we would face them. And then we threw that birth plan away. No really, I didn’t even save a copy of it on my laptop.

This choice has earned me some weird looks even among my Attachment Parenting friends, but going into Labor and Delivery without a specific plan is awesome! I ended up having a completely different birth than I had expected, but I was able to go with the flow and make educated decisions along the way. (If you’re a birth story junkie like me you can read my long and detailed story of my son’s arrival here).

Did you do anything against the grain with your labor and delivery? How did you deal with comments and worries from family and friends? Do you try to educate people about childbirth choices or do you just let it go? Did you have a birth plan? Share your stories in the comments!

Going Against the Grain: Pregnancy

I am a researcher, a soul searcher, and a believer in the power of intuition. My husband teases me that my motto is “If you don’t know, look it up until you do know.” So when I found out I was pregnant, I took one of the Attachment Parenting principles seriously: Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care.

I immediately started doing research, listening to my gut, figuring things out. There are so many decisions to be made when you are expecting! Triple screen or no triple screen? Ultrasound or no ultrasound? Hospital delivery or home delivery? How do I feel about epidurals? How long do I want to labor at home? What if I go past 40 weeks? On and on and on with the questions.

Every woman has to make these decisions for herself. I made these decisions based on research and intuition. A lot of these decisions were the exact opposite of what everyone in my family wanted me to decide. A lot of decisions were scary. Maybe my family is just nuts, but I think everyone’s family is a little nuts. I wanted my family (and close friends) to agree with me. I wanted their admiration and respect. I wanted them to be on board. But in the end I just had to stop listening to everyone and start listening to myself. It was just draining having to defend myself and explain over and over. But I wanted to include my family as much as I could even though they thought I was crazy.

Maybe my process would have been easier if I had more support, if I had been raised in an environment that celebrated birth. But I didn’t have that kind of support.

When I found out I was pregnant I called my mom first. My mother said: “Have you scheduled your C-section yet?” No joke.

When I decided that I didn’t want an epidural my mom said: “Well you just have such low pain tolerance, and really, what’s the point to going through all that pain if you could just have the epidural and relax and watch TV?” (My point is not really about the epidural, I am not violently opposed to epidurals. I just think that when your daughter tells you she’s been doing all this research and has decided that an epidural is not the right choice for her, you should respond with support and encouragement, not try to talk her out of it and undermine her determination.)

When I chose to deliver with a midwife my family thought I was putting my unborn child in grave danger.

I struggled, you guys. I struggled with every little decision that I made. And that was before my little man was even here! In my next post I’m going to talk about my labor and delivery, and the first couple days of Solomon’s life. But for now can we just talk about pregnancy and going against the grain?

I try to think about my kids growing up and having kids. What will be the norm to them? What new history am I writing for them? And that encourages me. You are writing a new history for the next generation. What kind of history are you writing for them? Were some of your decisions during pregnancy difficult to make? Did you feel supported? How did you deal with critics? Do you come from an Attachment Parenting kind of family? We have a lot of wisdom here in the API Speaks readership. Share your wisdom with us!

Alissa writes at A New History where she blogs about the challenge of authentic living with her husband, Levi and her one year old son, Solomon.

What Makes for a Positive Birth Experience?

My two children were both born in midwife-attended hospital births. I opted against using epidural anesthesia for a number of reasons. But the biggest factor, for me, was that with excellent support and relatively short labors I found the discomfort manageable. I trusted my husband and the midwives who were there with me. Looking back, I feel quite satisfied with my birth experiences.

Recently, a study was released comparing several indicators of childbirth in Canada. One of the findings showed that my home province of British Columbia has one of the lowest epidural rates in the country, at just 30% of vaginal births. There were varying reactions to this statistic. Some people suggested it indicates a shortage of anesthesiologists, and others were concerned that women who requested epidurals were being denied. The truth is, we don’t really know. Epidural rates vary for many reasons, including local economic and education levels.

Smiling in between contractions during my second birth

In the absence of a clear reason, it can be tempting to conjecture. I have my own ideas as to what might be up, too. But I really think that is beside the point. What is most interesting to me is not how many women opt for epidurals – it’s how women feel about their birth experience.

One study reviewed of 137 factors affecting women’s satisfaction with childbirth, and 4 stood out: personal expectations, the amount of support from caregivers, the quality of the caregiver-patient relationship and involvement in decision making. These factors overrode age, socioeconomic status, ethnicity, childbirth preparation, the physical birth environment, pain, immobility, medical interventions and continuity of care. It seems most mothers are more concerned with having people around us who we like, who involve us in decisions, honor our preferences and support us through the process than the epidural rate, specifically.

The first photo of baby Jacob, approximately 30 minutes later

One of the principles of Attachment Parenting International is “Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting.” This includes exploring different types of healthcare providers and birthing options, including natural birth and home birth. It includes being alert and physically active during birth, and trusting in your body’s ability to birth. It includes being involved in decisions surrounding birth, and possibly hiring a birth doula. All of these recommendations can help to ensure that we can make informed decisions, and find the support that we need to honor those decisions.

We can’t really say exactly how any birth will go. But if we take the time to prepare ourselves, and find good support, we can maximize our chances of having a positive birth experience, while still ensuring that both mother and baby are safe and healthy.

What do you think makes for a positive birth experience? Please share!

You can read more about Amber’s daily adventures with the two children she birthed on her blog at Strocel.com.

Spring Mini Series Installment #3 – De-moralizing mom

I will start with a direct quote from Babywise because when I read it I actually had to re-read it several times to make sure that I had read it correctly. I quote from page 150 of Babywise “Mother’s decision without assessment can be dangerous… They should not be driven by their emotions.”

It isn’t only Babywise that erodes the confidence of mothers but culture as a whole. We start as soon as a mother gets pregnant; she must be seen by a birth specialist (OB) so that they can be told what to do and when to do it because mothers can not trust their bodies and they can’t trust their emotions. It just gets worse.

When a mother goes to birth her child she is (normally) told when, many times she is induced, then she is not trusted to be able to “handle” things so she is “assisted.”

Because her confidence has been completely demolished, “good” mothers pick up a book to read to assist us with raising a child, not knowing that we are going to wrap our eager hands around is something that is going to demoralize us even more by telling us, in a nutshell, that we are over-emotional and not trustworthy.

Now I know that many of us learn very helpful things from books and from other people but I do believe that there is no replacement for the mothering mind and there is definitely no replacement for the mothering emotions. The statement that mothers must assess all of their actions because they may be “dangerous” is demoralizing. What is dangerous is demoralizing a mother, eroding her foundations and ignoring her emotions.

The real danger is not the mother. We, as mothers, have housed and protected our children from the beginning and will continue to house, nourish and grow them up throughout childhood. Then, when they’re adults, we’ll be a shelter that continues to be emotional confidence and stability for our children.

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/proimos/3524157411/

5 Ways To Care For Yourself Postpartum

As soon as the blue line appears on a pregnancy test, many women go to great lengths to keep the fetus growing in our wombs healthy. We may stop drinking diet soda, or stop eating sushi. Some of us quit smoking. We sleep in a position that provides the best blood supply to the placenta, we go to the doctor or midwife frequently for check ups, we ask our husbands to scoop the litter box for the duration.

We also spend time making sure that our babies stay healthy after the birth. We interview pediatricians. We read about breastfeeding, kangaroo care, circumcision, vaccines and babywearing. We childproof the house and make sure all our gear meets current safety standards. We ask visitors to wash their hands.

After birthing a baby though, how many mothers pay as close attention to their own health as they did during pregnancy? How many of us quickly slide back into our bad habits of staying up too late, exercising too little, or drinking way too much coffee? How many of us put our physical health at the bottom of the priority list?

To be fair, it’s not always easy to be healthy. If you had a difficult delivery, convenience can trump healthfulness. When you’re sleep deprived, it’s hard to make the best choices. When you have other children to care for and a To-Do list a mile long, or if you’re juggling responsibilities at work with duties at home, it’s way too easy to let yourself slide to the bottom of the pile.

The problem is, it’s so important to take care of yourself after you have a baby, so you can heal, so you can be the healthiest mom you can be.

Here are 5 ideas to consider if you’re expecting, to make it easier to take care of yourself after your baby is born.

Take up yoga–Yoga is great because it can be done at so many levels. A beginner can benefit just as much as a guru who has been practicing for years. Most poses can be modified to your skill level, and because yoga is low impact, it’s a great way to ease a postpartum body back into exercise while sparing your joints and stretched out abs. You can tailor your practice to your needs and in the privacy of your own home if you’re shy. Check out Yoga Journal for poses, tons of info, and podcasts, and join Yoga Today for access to a free weekly class.
Freeze your dinners–Before my second child was born, I spent several days in the kitchen, cooking meals that could be frozen, such as Greek Spinach Pie, Lasagna Roll Ups, chili, soups and more. Having the freezer packed with wholesome, homemade food not only meant I was eating well after delivery, but it also made cooking dinner a lot easier. Simply thaw the meal and heat it up. This was one of the biggest things that saved my sanity because my husband went back to work after a week, and my baby took a long time to figure out the difference between night and day. At home alone with a newborn and a 2 year old, and up most of the night with the baby, I was absolutely exhausted. Knowing that we had something to eat for dinner was a huge weight off my mind.
Order your groceries online–Most of the large chains of grocers offer this service. There are pros and cons to it (you can be very specific about your produce, and your personal shopper collects your order and bags it, but you can’t usually use coupons and fuel and delivery charges may apply), but if you’re busy trying to establish breastfeeding, or limited physically because of a c-section, having your groceries delivered can be a huge help. Plus, you can shop online at 2AM in your jammies if you want! Personally, I also found that it helped me eat healthier because I stayed out of the junk aisles.
Fit exercise into everyday activities–Who has the time or energy to spend an hour on the elliptical when you have a new baby at home? Rather than writing off exercise altogether, try splitting it into smaller doses. Studies have shown that ten minutes of exercise three times a day is just as effective as thirty minutes at once. Do toe raises while folding laundry, push ups during commercials, or spend a few minutes stretching before bed. It adds up.
Identify your stress causers and then streamline to avoid them–Sleep when the baby sleeps is a great piece of advice, but it’s not always practical. Figure out what you’re okay with letting slide, and what absolutely needs to be done, then find a way to make it happen. For me, I’m pretty particular about the cleanliness of my house. Letting the laundry pile up or not vacuuming for weeks was just not an option because of the stress it would cause me. So before my baby was born, I spent a couple of days deep cleaning each room, so the house was nice and clean when we came home from the hospital. Afterward, I tried to stick to a rough cleaning schedule so all the usual chores were split up throughout the week. Changing the cat box on Sunday, bathroom on Monday, dusting on Tuesday, etc. My house stayed looking relatively neat, and I could rest easy knowing I didn’t have a huge mess to deal with when I did get a chance to take a nap.

What about you? What advice do you have to stay healthy while recovering from childbirth and caring for a new baby?

Overcoming Isolation When a Baby Arrives

Welcoming your first baby is a very overwhelming experience for many parents. In North American culture very few of us spend much time around newborns until we have our own. I probably clocked in about 17 minutes total holding other people’s new arrivals before my daughter was born. Most of us just don’t see a lot of babies in our daily lives.

Many of us live far away from our families of origin these days. This means that when our babies arrive, they often arrive to a largely empty house. Most fathers don’t get much (or any) time off following their child’s birth, so new moms find themselves at home alone with their babies pretty soon after giving birth. The adjustment came as a big shock to me, and I think it does to many working moms. I was accustomed to spending my days in an office environment. There was order and a schedule and treat time on Wednesdays. In the span of a few weeks it was just me and a tiny baby and I felt totally lost.

This experience of isolation with a newborn is pretty common, but I this is not the way it was meant to be. If we examine the postpartum practices of traditional cultures, for instance, we see a very different story. Most traditional societies held that in the first 30-40 days of life the mother and baby were vulnerable and required special protection. They stayed at home, in bed, and the mother ate special foods, prepared for her by other women. There were rites of passage, and special rituals marked the completion of this confinement period. Mothers were not alone with their newborns, struggling to find some lunch.

My husband Jon and I with our newborn daughter, Hannah
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Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting Blog Carnival – 2010

Welcome to the first of the 2010 Attachment Parenting International Blog Carnivals. Today’s carnival focuses on the 1st Principle of Parenting – Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting.

Here is an excerpt from the 1st Principle:

The remarkable journey of new life is a positive, transformative experience. Pregnancy offers expectant parents an opportunity to prepare physically, mentally, and emotionally for parenthood. Making informed decisions about childbirth, newborn care, and parenting practices is a critical investment in the attachment relationship between parent and child. Education is a key component of preparation for the difficult decisions required of parents and is an ongoing process as each stage of growth and development brings new joys and challenges.

We received several submissions for our first carnival. Below is an excerpt from each contributor as well as a link to read the post in its entirety. If you didn’t get a chance to participate this month, join us next month as we celebrate API’s 2nd Principle of Parenting – Feed with Love and Respect. The submission deadline is March 12. Click to find out more about participating in on of API’s monthly parenting blog carnivals.

Without further ado, here’s how other attachment parenting families have Prepared for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting. Please note that these links will open in a new window.
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Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting Blog Carnival

Attention attachment parenting bloggers. The first of the 2010 Attachment Parenting International Principles of Parenting blog carnivals will be posted on February 19, just two weeks away. The February carnival will focus on API’s first Principle of Parenting, Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting. Although the submission deadline for this carnival is still a week away, February 12, I’ve already received a few entries.

If you are interested in submitting a post for the carnival, please have it published on your blog with the following text (including hyperlinks), by the 2/12/10 submission deadline.

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

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