Practice Positive Discipline – Page 29

Not So Easy to Define AP to Some Parents

Tonight, I’m going to a parenting class at the request of the facilitator because, as he sees it, I will be able to add some interesting discussion about the topic of parenting. I reluctantly agreed to go, to at least try out the first day of this series.

I am hesitant because, as I told him, I don’t want to get stuck in some AP-bashing session. But I finally agreed, after he spent much time trying to persuade me, because I believe that I may be able to help some parents look at my “different” approach to parenting with new eyes.

See, most parents around my hometown know my children as very well-behaved kids. But they don’t really know my parenting style, because being a stay-at-home parent, most of my parenting style is done privately, in my home. The folks around here only see me and the kids out for brief periods of time, such as at church, the grocery store, the bank or the doctor’s office.

They don’t know that Attachment Parenting (AP) really isn’t for the light of heart. I say this because AP can’t be done half-heartedly and that it really is an intensive, holistic approach to parenting compared to some parenting styles.

I know that tonight’s parenting class is going to center on discipline, for the most part, and the facilitator is very interested in my sharing about positive discipline and how it can be done without spanking or punitive timeouts.

But what he doesn’t know is that AP is about much more than positive discipline, that when I talk to parents about discipline I don’t stop at redirection and teaching. I’m very forthcoming that my parenting approach – and therefore positive discipline – encompasses all areas of parenting.

We know AP as Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting. To a newcomer to AP, the fact that there are eight parts to this parenting approach can simply be overwhelming.

People start researching parenting styles and approaches, going to classes and reading books, often because they’re looking for something different from what they’re doing. Something isn’t working, and they’re looking to tweak.

Those who finally embrace AP have come to the realization that there is no quick fix – that parenting is very much a multi-faceted program, that as parents you have to be involved in every aspect of that child’s life – from discipline to nurturing touch, from feeding with respect to consistent care, from responding with sensitivity to family balance, and so on.

Some parents don’t want to hear this. They don’t want to know that to change their child’s behavior, they have to do all this other stuff that they see has nothing to do with discipline.

If parenting was easy, we wouldn’t need books and experts and classes. There wouldn’t be all this confusion in our culture as to what the best parenting approach is. What makes parenting hard, in actuality, is the conflict it creates in parents trying to find balance in their lives.

Both our needs for balance and our children’s needs to be nurtured need to be met, but not at the expense of one another. Our children need a lot of attention. Discipline isn’t the answer to well-behaved kids; attention is.

Don’t Argue With Me

Here’s something that happens a lot: I say something. My child (I’m thinking particularly of my 4-year-old) argues the opposite. He’s not at all correct. In fact, he’s so not correct, his statement doesn’t make any logical sense at all.

Mom, this is how you spell “people”: p-e-p-l. Oh, close…there are a few more letters in there. No, that’s how you spelling exercise.
JJ, it’s time to be done with computer games. You never let me play computer!
Mom, what did we have for breakfast today? We had eggs. No, we didn’t! We had muffins. Actually, we had eggs today. We had muffins yesterday. No!

Where do I go from there? There are so many potential back-and-forths to be had with these kinds of statements. Do I bother? What are my choices for how to respond to ridiculous arguments? As I see it, I could:

Retort Back. I could issue the classic, “Don’t argue with me” statement. Many parents don’t like the feeling of being talked back to or argued with. It undermines their authority, and negates the message that they are “right.”

I think arguing is actually a valuable skill to have. I want my kids to be able to disagree and feel confident enough to share their thoughts. This will lead to standing up for themselves during tough moments or speaking up for others when it matters.

I also don’t want to send the message to my kids that they must be seen and not heard, or that different thoughts equal wrong thoughts. Sure, sometimes they might be wrong (the correct spelling of the word “people” is pretty indisputable), but there’s a difference in shutting down a child’s voice with an “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude, and listening to their different–and, yes, maybe even wrong–thoughts with acceptance. It sets the stage for learning healthy debate skills and an open approach to communication. Though there are many times I’d like to respond to my kids with “Don’t argue with me,” I know that arguing is essentially good for them. It is helpful for kids to be able to disagree with authority figures in a safe environment and hone their Stick-Up-For-Myself skills.

Argue With Him. This is probably the most instinctual. When opposed, I can always come up with lots of excellent examples that really make my case. It’s only too easy to argue with my child over how much time he actually does get to spend on the computer, or how many muffins we don’t have in the pantry because we ate them…yesterday. But why do I feel the need to prove my point to a 4-year-old? And what will it truly result in?

No, it was eggs today. Remember I asked you if you wanted scrambled eggs? No. And you said yes, and I asked you if you wanted them with cheese or no cheese? No. And you said with cheese, so we had cheesy eggs today. No! I didn’t say that!
Of course I let you play computer! What have you been doing this morning? You played it yesterday too, and every day. You get plenty of computer time. No I don’t! I don’t get to play it hardly ever!

Perpetuating the argument only results in my son continuing to assert that he is right, now more loudly and with more emotion, because his autonomy is being threatened. Arguing with a child becomes less about the issue at hand and more about asserting control. One of us has to be a grown-up and disengage in this kind of pointless power struggle. Oh, right, that would be me…the grown-up.

Let it Go. Say, “OK.” Moving on. Because really, what does it matter? If my son mistakenly thinks we had muffins instead of eggs for breakfast, who does that hurt? How important is it for me to push the issue, and what will it cost our connection to do so? I’d rather agree to disagree about breakfast than put distance in our relationship.

Hear Him Out. Give him a chance to explain his seemingly ridiculous argument. “Oh?” “Is that what you think?” “What makes you say that?” “Tell me more.” “Ah, I see…” Asking these types of curiosity questions shows my child that I’m interested in what he has to say, even if I disagree. They also shift the conversation from confrontational to communicative. It tells him, “We see things differently, but I am interested in hearing you. I will listen, and you can help me understand.”

Listen to What He’s Really Trying to Say. Why do kids adamantly say things like “you always…” and “you never…”? Well, it’s based on the way the child feels at the time the statement is made. “You never…” and “You always…” indicate that he has strong feelings about that situation. “You never let me play computer” translates to, “I love playing computer and I’M SO ANGRY that I can’t play right now!” But of course, a 4-year-old’s brain isn’t capable of articulating that. Rather than try to prove my point with arguments and examples, I can simply acknowledge my child’s side of the argument and the feelings that are bringing it to light.

An argument with a child is rarely about the topic at hand. The verbal intensity and seeming lack of logic are brought on by the feelings underlying a child’s belligerence. So, for me and my argumentative 4-year-old, I could choose to ignore those feelings and assert my authority (focus on proving that I am right), or I could decide how important it really is that I “win” and respond to him with sensitivity. I can listen with acceptance and remind myself of his current stage of emotional, cognitive, and linguistic development. I can understand that the situation is not that he’s not listening to me; it’s that he’s not able to process information as I am. As any adult is. Because he’s four. But he won’t be four forever, and regardless of how obscure his perspective may seem right now, I can certainly make an effort to listen…for the future of our relationship and communication.

Embracing Positive Discipline’s Challenges

Positive discipline doesn’t come instinctively for many people. In fact, that’s why most parents undertake positive discipline in the first place; they want to change their current instincts about raising children. They want to break the cycle of using traditional discipline methods that compromise the parent-child relationship, and they are forging their way in a new direction.

As opposed to parenting with strict control and scare tactics, when children are raised with kindness and respect, parents are instilling a new instinct for discipline. Children learn how to solve problems, manage difficult emotions, and make intrinsic decisions about what’s right and wrong. Positive discipline is a parenting approach that is based on connection and trust, rather than on longing and fear. American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett continues on The Attached Family online magazine.

How to Train Your Dragon: Yell at it?

Maybe,” [Old Wrinkly] said, “you can train a dragon better by talking to it than by yelling at it.”

“That’s sweet,” said Hiccup, “and a very touching thought. However…from what I know about dragons…I should say that yelling was a pretty good method.”

“But it has its limitations, doesn’t it?” Old Wrinkly pointed out.

–An excerpt from How to Train Your Dragon, by Cressida Cowell

It does. Yelling is effective at pretty much two things: intimidating someone into doing what you say, and making them feel bad. No one, children or adults, likes to be yelled at.

Yelling, while an instinctual stress-reliever, doesn’t do anything to actually educate a person about the point you’re trying to make. I had a teacher once who yelled a lot, and what I remember most about her class is the crummy feeling I had when I was in her room. I remember feeling uncomfortable and sad when she yelled at other students, and I became so afraid to ask questions or talk to her about anything, for fear of her then yelling at me. One time, I thought my book report was late, and oh, the fear I felt then! Just imagining what she would say to (yell at) me turned my stomach into knots. Thinking back on it now, I can’t remember anything about that book report, not even the title of the book, nor any other academic lessons I learned in her class. I actually can’t even remember this teacher’s name; it’s like a traumatic memory, suppressed. (By the way, my book report did not end up being late, so crisis averted. I do remember the joy of that moment of realization.)

As a parent, it’s easy to have my buttons pushed by my kids, yet difficult to remember that yelling doesn’t actually do anything to help them meet their behavioral goals.

“We can’t teach kids to behave better by making them feel worse.” –Pam Leo, Connected Parenting

“Children do better when they feel better.” –Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline

I am nowhere near perfect at this…the yelling thing. It takes a lot of practice to recondition the way we respond to anger, and I am in the midst of working on this. It’s a many-years-long journey. What I’m working on first and foremost is reconfiguring my “buttons”; trying to take the triggers that usually make me angry and change them so that they, well…don’t. This is a matter of understanding and perspective. The more I understand about my children’s behavior–how their brains develop and why they do the things they do–the less they trigger my anger reflex. And the more perspective I have over “the big picture”–the foundational aspects of raising children that are truly important–the more I realize that in-the-moment yelling doesn’t work toward meeting the long-term goals I have for myself, my children, and our family as a whole.

Yelling at kids doesn’t help them learn a lesson. Just like my book report experience, what kids remember most is the feeling brought on by the yelling; the fear. That’s the piece of information that our brains hold onto and shape our future interactions and behaviors. Even the joy I felt when I realized my report was not late and I was not going ot be yelled at was a positive feeling, but still brought on by fear. Was I then motivated to make extra sure that I was never late on an assignment in this teacher’s class again? Of course. I do think fear is a very effective motivator…no argument from me there. But that’s not the motivation on which I want my parenting, thus my relationship with my children, to be based.

Our most prominent memories stem from feelings around events: succeeding, failing, solving a problem, making mistakes, having fun, going through a difficult time, being held, getting yelled at. After many years, the details of events are likely to become foggy, but the feelings remain. What do I want my kids to remember when they think back on their childhoods? Less yelling and feeling afraid, more understanding and feeling supported. Teaching by yelling does have its limitations. Teaching through connection is limitless.

“Thank You” Feels Nice

I love swimming days. With school and Taekwondo sandwiching the kids’ joint swimming lesson, and needing to fit lunch and showers in there, too, they are our busiest day of the week. But also our favorite! Swimming really “takes the edge off” for all of us, and we welcome the inevitable sense of calm we feel after a half-hour of hard work in the water (lessons for them, laps for me).

Part of this routine is navigating the locker room; trying to get myself and two young kids undressed, suited up, to class on time, then undressed once again, showered, washed, dried, dressed, combed, and packed up in a reasonable amount of time is a feat of parenting each week. But we have established a pretty efficient routine, and can get it all done with minimal problems.

Part of that routine is, after showers, JJ (age 4.5) gathers everyone’s wet towels and puts them in the laundry basket (we don’t bring our own, but use ones provided by the fitness center). Sometimes he grumbles about it, but for months, he’s always gotten the job done.

The other day, I thought I’d give JJ a break from his usual task of gathering everyone’s towels, and I said, “How about everyone put their own towels in the laundry today?”

JJ: Why?

Me: Well, every week I ask you to put everyone’s towels in the laundry, and I thank you for that. I just thought we could do our own today and give you a break.
Continue reading ““Thank You” Feels Nice”

Naomi Aldort on Taming the Tiger Mother

Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, discussed parental control in her post, Taming the Tiger Mother, for Life Learning Magazine.

Here is an excerpt from the piece, which appeared in the Ask Naomi column:

Q: I have read a great deal about Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother – interviews on CNN and NPR, and in Oprah’s magazine; an article in Time; an excerpt from the book in the Wall Street Journal, and so on. Chua speaks of her superior Chinese parenting. Many people see her as abusive, but others think she puts much more into her children. I am feeling confused. I am here to give my children all that I can. If I give less than this “Tiger” mom does, it is because I think it is actually better to allow children to grow up on their own. But now I am not sure. We are unschooling, and my children fifteen, twelve, and nine, are not practicing anything. Are they missing something? Am I depriving them of accomplishing high ranks in society?

A: Any mother, Chinese or not, would abandon control and manipulation, if she knew kinder ways to raise a happy child who grows up into a loving, joyous, and accomplished adult. Chua would be very happy if her children would be fulfilling their own passions, without oppression. She would love to never have to coerce, yell, threaten, and make her home into “a war zone” (her words.) Only, she doesn’t know that this is possible.

Read Naomi’s post in its entirety: Taming the Tiger Mother.

Interview Series: Dave Taylor

We are continuing our interview series with API Contributing Bloggers with Dave Taylor of APparenting.com. Read on to hear more about his life as a single dad of 3, and his thoughts on parenting preteens and teenagers!

Tell us about your family.

I’m based in Boulder, Colorado and am a single Dad to three terrific kids: a 14yo daughter, 10yo son and 7yo daughter. They’re all very artistic and talented athletes too: the older girl is a star of her school volleyball team and my son is one of the leading players on his YMCA basketball team. In fact, his team made it to the championship just a few weeks ago, but, alas, ended up in second place.

What led you to Attachment Parenting?

I was definitely not raised in an attachment parenting household. In fact, my childhood is better characterized as an English “stiff-upper-lip” philosophy where I was left to my own devices from an early age and my parents were involved, but less and less as time went on.

When we had our first child, I was prepared to continue that same parenting philosophy when their Mom suggested that a more affectionate, more hands-on approach to child rearing would garner benefits for both them and us. Honestly, co-sleeping, slings instead of strollers and the like just felt natural and it’s a heck of a lot of fun to have that close a connection, that much proximity, to a wide-eyed new life. It’s all felt very natural and empowering.

How do you deal with friends/family/strangers who don’t understand or who disagree with AP practices?

I am blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who accept my parenting choices and are supportive of the children. We get an occasional confused comment about our sleeping arrangements (it’s not unheard of for my 10yo or even 14yo to grab a sleeping bag and bunk on the floor of my room on a stormy night). Even better, the school they’re in has many parents of a similar philosophical bent, so the child pushed into being independent at a very early age is the oddity, not the one who is still held, loved and nurtured by their parent.

I don’t really feel like I’m an evangelist for AP, but I will admit that there are times when I watch someone pushing a shrieking infant in a stroller and bite my tongue rather than say “y’know, if you just held them, they’d stop crying…”. Why? Because I don’t want people to judge my parenting choices so I extend the same respect to them. I can’t know why they choose to parent the way they do, so it’s better – in my opinion – not to get involved.

What does 2011 hold for your family? What goals do you have for your kids/ family in the coming year?

Goals? Our goal is always to attain as much peace and harmony in our lives as possible. It’s tough for them with two households, we try our best to minimize it, but it’s not as smooth as being in one house with two parents who get along well and enjoy each other’s company. But somehow we make it work, with a pinch of humor and a dash of silliness. At least, most of the time. 🙂

How has attachment parenting evolved as your kids get older? I don’t hear enough about parenting teenagers and preteens and would love your insight into the new challenges and opportunities that come with older kids.

I have to say that like many parenting approaches, I think AP is more suited for younger children, toddlers and babies, for children in the developmental phases where they seek to stay attached, not detach and explore their world. On the other hand, we all appreciate someone who can listen to us, respect us as individuals and give us a hug when things aren’t going well, so the core concepts underlying AP are still quite relevant for parenting adolescents. For me, it’s about listening, respect, and being straightforward with them. When we get into a tussle, I explain my perspective and do my best to then be quite and listen to theirs. We discuss solutions, come up with compromises that meet both our needs (as best we can) and go on our way together. It’s not always easy, but parenting isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. I will add this too: I think it’s critically important for parents to be their *parent*, not a child’s friend. That always influences my interaction with my children, but that also helps them know that they still have that great safety net as they learn to explore…

Thanks for your insights Dave! Please check out Dave’s Attachment Parenting Blog for more on his great kids and his journey as a single Dad.

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Diaper Changes

This post is the fifth in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, grocery shopping, diaper changes, and picking up toys. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.

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Ideas to Make Diaper Changes a Positive Experience

Let Your Toddler Choose the Location: since you probably aren’t using a changing table anymore, let your toddler pick the place. Remember that our toddlers are learning how to exercise their independence – so giving them some control is a theme that runs throughout this “gentle parenting ideas” series.

Songs/Rhymes/Fingerplays: occupy their hands by doing songs, rhymes, and fingerplays with (or without) hand motions: Itsy Bitsy Spider, Two Little Birds, Hickory Dickory Dock, etc.

Read a Book: some toddlers might want to hold a book and read to themselves, others might want to grab a favorite book that they can look at while you read (from memory).

Tell a Story: one of my biggest potty learning helps has been to ask Kieran to tell stories while he is using the potty chair. We have a notebook near the chair, and I actually write down his stories and read them back to him. If your little one doesn’t want to hold a book, this might be another way to occupy his attention while you change a diaper – you tell a story or help him make one up of his own.

Call for Reinforcement: there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, particularly if it will help everyone involved feel better about the outcome. Get someone else in there to entertain while you get down to the business end.

Practice Signing: if you are signing with your toddler, try practicing some sign language during diaper changes. If you aren’t doing sign language with your toddler, I whole-heartedly recommend that you start!

Let Them Help: trust your toddler with certain responsibilities: getting the wipe and new diaper ready; spreading out the changing mat; putting the used diaper in the pail; climbing up to the sink to wash hands; etc.

Presto, Chango: for easy changes, do it on the fly – standing up! Or on your lap. Or while your toddler is playing. Just do it fast!

Special Toys: save a few special toys/objects for diaper changing time only. Of course this will only work if you can then get the object back gently without causing a huge ruckus.

Consider Cloth: if you’ve never tried cloth diapers, consider making the switch. You can still save money and do your part to help the environment. More importantly, I know for a fact that many kids would choose cloth over plastic for the comfort factor alone. When I try to put plastic on Kieran, he pleads and begs with me, “cloth, mama, cloth!”

Nurse: there have been many occasions where I nurse while papa changes. It’s awkward, but it makes for a very peaceful change.

Naked Time: if you haven’t instituted some regular naked time in your household, now might be a good time to start. Toddlers love to be naked. I was worried that I would end up cleaning lots of accidents, but Kieran was surprisingly good about going on the potty chair when he didn’t have a diaper on. Plus, sometimes it helps to just walk away from a stressful situation – as long as the bottom is clean and it is safe for your toddler to run around without a diaper, it might be easier for everyone to forgo the new diaper until you’ve had a chance to breathe and get into a more playful mood.

Warn Them First: it’s hard to be ripped away from a fun activity to go get a clean diaper. Instead of picking your toddler up like a piece of furniture, respect her feelings by asking her if she’s ready for a change. If she’s not ready, give her a warning. Some kids do well with a timer, others just want the verbal signal.

Try a Snack: grab a snack safe for little fingers and let your little one chow down (this might work better for standing-up diaper changes).

Make a List: how many animals can your toddler name? How about animal sounds? Colors? Shapes? Make diaper time a fun recall activity time – but make sure it’s fun and not stressful for your little one. If they are uncomfortable being put on the spot about their recall abilities, it won’t make diaper changes any better.

What ideas do you have to help make diaper changes a positive experience? Please share them in the comments.

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This post has been edited from a previous version published at Code Name: Mama.