Presence – Page 27

Desperate For Balance

I am a mother of three children.

I am a mother of three children, and I spend my days changing diapers, kissing boo-boos, and giving hugs.

My job of raising these beautiful children bring me joy. And sometimes, it breaks my heart.

My oldest is 6, my middle child is 4, and my youngest is 12 months. My oldest is in her first year of homeschooling, and I have yet to figure out a good way to balance my time between all three.

It’s very easy to spend time with my oldest, since we spent a lot of time studying together. And my youngest, well he’s just a baby (at least to me), so we connect with nursing and cuddling and co-sleeping.

But my poor four year old. It’s hard to find time to spend one-on-one with her.

The other day she asked me for some crayons and paper, and even though I had tons of stuff to do I sat down and doodled with her. She immediately hugged me, thanked me with all her heart for coloring with her, and as I looked into her sweet face I saw that she had tears in her eyes.

That’s when it hit me: My daughter is so thankful for one-on-one time with her mother that it brings her to tears.

Talk about feeling like the world’s crappiest mother.

I need to find more balance. I need to find more ways to connect with my sweet, thankful daughter.

I need help.

For those with more than two kids, how do you keep your balance?

I am a mother of three, I spend all my days kissing boo-boos and changing diapers…and I desperately need to know.

Totin’

A story about standing in line at CVS, baby fingertip kisses, stranger germ phobia, infertility, and magic you can share with a stranger.

Totin’

I was just at CVS and an older man was behind me in line. I stopped to get some chocolate, specifically, Bliss chocolate Easter eggs.

“Do you want to go ahead of me?” I asked.

“No, I’m in no huree. I ain’t been in no hurree since I retired,” he purred out in a deep Southern drawl.

“Oh, alright. It’s nice not to be to be in a hurry,” I said back to him with a soft smile, warmed by the thought, I, too, am not in a hurry and have not been since I decided to stay home with Ben.

“Sure is. I just feel real old, since I turned 80.”

“Well, turning 80 is quite a something to be proud of, Sir.”

“I turned 81 last year, in fact.”

“If it makes ya feel any better, I feel old ever since I had a baby.”

I studied his red wrists and purple lined palms. His old age reminded me of my father, long gone, up on the roof of Heaven.

“Hello there little guy,” he chuckled, as he grinned and held out his finger. I tried not to cringe thinking of other mom friends who wear plastic circle signs on their purses that say, “Are your hands clean?” and ‘Love, Not Germs.” I could see the dirt under his yellowed finger nails, dewed with time and wrinkles, invisible like earthquakes holding decades of history. Those fingers are alright, I thought. I’ll let Ben decide if he wants to touch him. Ben smiled some more, showing all eight teeth and reached out with his ET pointer finger and fingertip kissed the old man’s yellowed, storied, wrinkled, finger.

It was kind of magical — in the moment’s lack of worry and judgment. Old and new, youth and wisdom, fresh unwrinkled skin and leathered, layered skin.
Continue reading “Totin’”

Love is Not Always Flood Lights and Fireworks, but Sometimes, It Is

My son is sleeping on my husband’s chest. Snuggled in an O against his broad shoulders in a snuggly nest. Resting easy, gently. I want my son to wake up because I haven’t seen him this morning. My husband let me sleep in this because I stayed up late last night writing and working on grad school work. I woke refreshed and awake, not my usual still-feel-like-I-need-two-more-hours-of-sleep-grogginess. Dare I say refreshed. Yes, I was refreshed.

As I walked by my two darlings, my husband was singing a song and waving me off – as in, Go away! So you don’t wake the boy. He is almost asleep. I went to the kitchen to get my breakfast and make coffee. I toasted two slices of cinnamon raison bread and slowly buttered it, taking my time. I put my son’s toys in the basket that I washed yesterday, placing them in, like an organizer would, quite a difference than their daily throw it in the basket routine. I did some laundry, changing over a load in the washer to the dryer and taking the dried clothes out of the laundry room. That load is in the kitchen. Still.

I want my little one to wake up. I miss his little face, his little body. His tiny little shoulders – how they’ve grown — yet he is still so tiny.
Continue reading “Love is Not Always Flood Lights and Fireworks, but Sometimes, It Is”

Safety and Security

Until we strongly address the root causes of hatred, the world is simply not a safer place. Feelings and actions related to arrogance and hatred do not abate with force, they only grow. Still, our proclamations of a safer world clearly show how much we desire to trust and live peaceably among each other.

This is why it is imperative that our time, attention, and resources be targeted–or at least not neglected to the degree that they are in our greater society–at what causes young people to be blindly swayed or coerced into destructive movements for a sense of belonging, love, and duty. To make the world a safer place, rather, it is raising our adults from very young ages with compassion, strength, confidence, love and empathy for everyone, not just their own. It is how we raise our children, how we treat our children and foster secure attachments, how we model love and compassion to them everyday as they grow into adults that truly changes the world. And it is these very origins of empathy and compassion, when fostered, that mediate the symptoms and pathways of violence and hatred: poverty, injustice, and inequality.

Vitally connected is how we support and inform those who are raising children, the parents, grandparents, and other caregivers. We must work to allay the stress and challenges of making a livelihood that make quality and intentional parenting a struggle. We need to value these mothers, fathers, grandparents, and caregivers and equip them with ongoing support, excellent and useful information, and encouragement and recognition for the important work they are doing. We need to raise awareness about attachment parenting.

This is why I believe so passionately in the work of Attachment Parenting International, carrying out this mission for the past 17 years: “To educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world.” We cling to various strategies and programs to get at the solution to violence in the world, yet I believe it is by engaging in work like API’s and helping API exponentially reach more families that we could make the most difference.

For me, the questioning that arises regarding achieving a safer, more secure world invariably brings me to the importance of putting our energy into helping our children feel secure, loved, and loving from birth through adulthood. The Peace Corps idealism I have has not left me–I see a generation with a new empathy, a secure world for each person, for everyone brought about by parent heroes.

Sports and child

I know so many parents who quit exercising or quit favorite outdoor activities because they have had a child.

As we enter in to spring and summer I want to encourage you to get active! If you have given up your outdoor activities or if you have never been active there is no better time than the present to get started (again!). Our children need to see us being active and enjoying ourselves and there are plenty of activities they can be a part of.

1. Find the nearest state park or wildlife preserve and go walking. There is a large array of of backpacks and front packs for kids of every age. I have a Kelty Kids backpack that I love since you can put snacks and water bottles and a change of clothes or two in there as well as your child. If you have a younger child you may want to invest in a wrap of some kind or a front pack.

2. Get a bike cart and go biking. Make sure that you purchase quality kids bikes for sale adelaide and a quality bike cart. It may cost a little bit to get started but bikes don’t take much to keep up so you have free entertainment after your initial investment. For older children there are also bikes that connect to the adult bike where the younger child can pedal a bit but can rest when they need to.

3. Swimming. Get out there and swim! Find a lake or river. Bring a picnic.

4. Head to your local park. Make sure and do your pullups on the monkey bars!

You may not to be able to do extreme sports with your children in tow but finding active things your whole family can participate in and enjoy will pay off big in the long run.

Quiet Time

When my four-year old and I were on a trip recently, he usually managed about ten minutes out with the family we were visiting, the mom, two kids, and two dogs eating and talking and walking around, before he’d say, “I need privacy.” He first learned the term when we were visiting my mom last summer. He wanted to be with her all the time, even when she was in the bathroom and had the door closed. So, not really thinking about how the concept of privacy would be further interpreted, I gave him the message that when the door was closed that meant he (or anybody) should give the person behind said door some time alone.

Fast forward nine months and my son is behind a closed door. Privacy is now his word for space. Though I was a little concerned that his buddy’s feelings would be hurt when he looked at her, said, “I want privacy” and closed the door in her face, I was happy that he had the words to ask for space when he needed it.

We worked on how to politely ask for it during the rest of our trip. It felt somehow in alignment with the other lesson we’re working on right now (one I and many adults need as much as our kids): we can decide what we want to do but we can’t decide what other people are going to do. So when Gilly would come to knock on the door and ask, “Do you want to play now Cavanaugh?” my son learned to say in his nice voice, “I still want some privacy.” We didn’t quite get to, “Thanks for asking. I’ll let you know when I’m ready” but he’s four, so that might be expecting a bit much.

Though the lesson in privacy came because Cavanaugh didn’t want to give my mom a second alone, now that she’s here visiting, he tried out the concept on my mom this morning. He didn’t ask for privacy or space. He just clung to me and said that we were playing LEGOs with instructions. He knows Gramma doesn’t do LEGO instructions, but buildw “out of her imagination” instead. Here was another way of saying, “I don’t want to play with you right now.” We were in the living room and there was no door to close, so he adapted. I was surprised at his request and impressed with his knowing he needed some alone time with Mama.

With our recent two-week trip to visit friends and now an eight-day visit from my mom, figuring out how much time with other people is something I need to do too. This morning after our LEGO session, I went upstairs to shower and be alone. Then I cleaned off the bathroom counter, made the bed, and put away some laundry. When I’m maxed out, I need to be alone in an orderly environment. I didn’t know that growing up. I didn’t understand privacy. We weren’t allowed to close doors unless we were changing clothes. Now, I understand that the closed door is a healthy boundary, as is asking for privacy or taking space and time when one needs (or wants) it.

Without realizing it, I passed that understanding on to my son. It’s one of those lessons that reminds me he watches what I do and say and learns from it–so I need to watch what I do and say too. In this case, I’m happy with the behavior I modeled and thrilled to see my son trying it on for size. It fits him quite nicely.

How have you taught your kids the concept of taking space when they need it? How was it taught to you?

Doing Something Different to See Something Different

Just recently my husband and I decided to change things up a little bit. We live by the principle that if you want to see something different you have to do something different. Meaning that if I don’t like what I see in society as a whole or I don’t like how families are falling apart on a regular basis or I don’t like how children are turning out then I can’t expect to do the exact same thing as everyone else is doing but expect that somehow it will be different for me.

I think that can be one of the most dangerous traps for us as parents, and as people, to fall in to. We tend to look at the way other people’s lives are and say, “Well that isn’t me,” or “That won’t be me! I’m different…” and yet all the time we are saying/thinking that we are living the same way as “those people” are living and our goals are the same goals. Do you think that people with kids that shoot people wanted that for their children? Do you think that the mom who is worn out because her kids run over the top of her wanted that? Do you think that families fall apart because the parents wanted that to happen? Did they take their vows knowing that someone would break them? I don’t think so.

If you want to see something different you have to do something different.

So what does that mean practically? It means that you will have to make decisions based on your family first. Very first. What is good for you all and the surprising thing is for the most part what is good for a family is not what is traditionally touted as good in our culture. We think that it is good that you slave away so that you can buy big toys and a good house and to pay for a good eduction so that your kids can get a good job so that they can buy a big house and the toys that they want and save for their kids education… not that there is anything really wrong with this but doesn’t that seem like a mundane existence? It certainly isn’t what most of us say that we want.

If you want to see something different you have to do something different.

We say that we want genuine relationships with our children. We say we want them to grow up to be curious and creative adults with a hunger for learning. We say that we want to be able to enjoy our teenagers not dread them. We say we want to experience life with our children.

So what are you doing differently so that you can see that come about?

Photo used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/qubodup/2950583553/

Traveling Comforts

I’m learning how to give myself permission to want what I want. That means I’m teaching my son how to want what he wants too. I think often of a line from one of my favorite poems, “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver, in regards to this: “You only have to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves.”

Last January, when we took a road trip to New Mexico, I acknowledged that taking a trip without my espresso machine made me kind of miserable. Every day at home, I have a latte. If I go on a trip without the machine, I have a caffeine headache, count the minutes (or hours) until I can get to a coffee shop to buy one, then spend $5 for a latte, another $2 for chocolate milk for Cavanaugh, and another $2 or so on a muffin, bagel, or pastry. By the time the trip is over, I could have paid for an extra bag or three with the money I’ve spent at coffee shops because I didn’t pack my espresso machine. Bad deal.

We usually fly on Southwest Airlines. Cavanaugh’s old enough that I’ve been buying him his own ticket for over three years. That means we get two bags each, plus SWA allows you to take the carseat for free. Why, exactly, have I been trying to pack so light?

So I don’t get teased about bringing everything but the kitchen sink? So I don’t inconvenience folks by asking them to come all the way into the airport to meet us at the baggage area rather than wait outside so they can drive up to the street? The people we’re going to visit aren’t likely to give me a hard time about what I packed. And so what if they do? Plus, they almost always come in to meet us even if I tell them we’ll make our own way outside.

As we were gathering things to pack for the trip, I remembered that last year I started taking my espresso machine on trips and felt such relief at the thought of packing it that I wondered what else would be really great to have with us.

My favorite pillow, a Tempur-Pedic, which gives me a great night’s sleep and means I don’t get the crick in my neck or other pain that sleeping in a strange bed often supplies.
My robe. Why hadn’t this ever occurred to me? It’s when I’m staying in other people’s houses that I feel uncomfortable going to breakfast in my pajamas without a bra on. Rather than needing to get dressed first thing, what if I just packed a robe?
A can of my favorite coffee to go with my espresso machine, plus Splenda packets (I know they’re probably carcinogens, but I like them, okay?) so I could make a latte without having to make a trip to the store our first day there.

And for Cavanaugh:

My favorite pillow happens to be his favorite too. I packed into into his carseat bag so it didn’t take up valuable suitcase space.
The stuffed animals he sleeps with. Okay, the three-foot long dolphin didn’t make the trip, but Pigeon, Shutterbug, and Courage are all world travelers now.
Enough LEGOs to build the way he would at home (his Atlantis book set so he can follow directions for a bunch of models and have enough pieces to build out of his imagination too), and Star Wars LEGOs, and his LEGO Club magazine to read on the plane.

You know what? One of our hosts came to meet us in baggage claim, helped to carry everything out, commented on how handy our carseat bag was, and everything fit into the car just fine. We’ve been here almost a week and we’re not missing home so much because we brought some of our favorite things with us.

What do you miss when you travel? What do give yourself permission to pack?