APtly Said – Page 92

Lying: The Developmental Truth

I stared at the toast lying on top of the trash in disbelief. I was ticked. My four year old told me he had eaten all of his toast and wanted something else to eat. I went into the dining room where he was eating his peaches.

“I thought you told me you ate all your toast?”
“I did.”
“No, you threw it in the trash.”
“No, I didn’t. I ate it all.”

I took him by the hand and led him to the trash. “Look, there’s your toast.” He looked at me like he really didn’t know how it had gotten there.

This wasn’t the first time I’d caught him in a lie and I was frustrated. I couldn’t understand it. I don’t punish my children. I don’t reward them either. What do they have to fear by telling me the truth? My 7 year old had never lied to me. I really believe he’s physically incapable of it. It would alter his universe of science and order too much. But my 4 year old was born with his own personality and had no qualms about chaos. I felt connected to my youngest child. Our relationship was good. From all of my research and involvement with AP, I naively believed that if my parenting was focused on relationship, things like this wouldn’t happen. So why was he lying to me?
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The Practice of Attachment Parenting

There are days when I think to myself, “I shouldn’t call what I do attachment parenting – because quite honestly, today was anything but.”

I never thought of attachment parenting with any interest until about a year ago, right after Bella was born. Before that, I just knew I didn’t want to spank or hit, and wanted to treat my child with respect and dignity. I fell in love with babywearing along the way, and extended breastfeeding happened because it became a joy after the horrible months of reflux and colic in her infancy.

I began to find myself drawn into the attachment line of thinking once I knew I was going to be able to be a stay at home mom. I have always had a passion for working with children, from being a nanny to teaching – I would read constantly about how to be a better caregiver and educator. So it was only natural to start to think of motherhood in that way, and to decide what kind of a mother I wanted to be on a daily/hourly basis.
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I’m Spreading My Germs

It has been an interesting and germ-filled week in my house. My daughter started running a fever last Sunday night and by Wednesday she was feeling miserable. She kept coughing on me and I reminded her that she should cover her mouth when she coughs. The following is a quick recap of the conversation we then had:

Ava – “I can’t cover my mouth, I’m trying to spread my germs.”
Me – “Why are you trying to spread your germs? You’re just going to get me sick.”
Ava – “I don’t want to be sick anymore so I’m spreading my germs.”

I paused trying to figure out exactly what her little 7 year-old brain was thinking then it clicked.

Me – “Ava, if you spread your germs it doesn’t make your sickness go away but it could make someone else sick.”
Ava – “Ohhhhh….”

On Thursday morning I woke up to a fever and cough of my own and Ava still felt horrible. She realized that spreading her germs didn’t help her it only made me sick. However, she found the good in the situation when she exclaimed “Now we can cuddle all we want since we’re both sick.”

Yes my sweet little girl, now we can cuddle all we want. *cough cough*

avagerms — Ava resting her head on my lap.

Listening

On the way to Playschool the other morning, I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw tears sliding down my 21-month-old’s cheeks.

“Ruby, what’s wrong, honey?” I asked, concerned and surprised – she’d been talking excitedly all morning about visiting her friends at school, where she spends two mornings a week.

“Oww, mama,” she said, tapping her nose with her forefinger, her eyes welling up even more. She’d just gotten over a nasty cold that had kept her out of school for a full week.

We pulled into the drop-off at school, and my daughter’s favorite teacher was waiting to take her inside. Ruby started really crying as I unbuckled her. “Oh, she’ll be fine,” her teacher smiled at me. “We can handle it!”

“I’m sure you can,” I smiled back, “but let me have a minute with her.”

I held Ruby tight and looked in her eyes.

“Ruby, do you really not feel good?”

“No, mama.” (sniff, sniff)

“Do you want to go to school today?”

“No.” (sniff)

“Do you just need to come home with mama?”

“Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.” (nod sniff nod sniff)

In a split second, I mentally ticked through all my work plans for the morning – and then brushed them away. When it comes right down to it, there’s just not a thing more important than doing what my daughter needs. So home we went, much to the consternation of Ruby’s teachers. I think they thought I was “giving in” to her, or “spoiling” her. But I like to think I just chose to listen to my child. My daughter, who, just like all of us, has her very own needs and emotions, her good days and bad days. I know her well enough to know when she is truly upset and uncomfortable, and when she needs a break. Whatever the reason, she very clearly did not want to be at school that day.

When I was growing up, my parents occasionally let me take what they called “mental health days” when I got too stressed out about school. That time away was invaluable to me, an over-achiever who worried too much from a very young age. I remember those days so clearly, how they’d help me calm down, re-focus, and feel more connected to whichever parent I spent that day with.

I want my daughter to be able to have those kinds of days. I want her to trust that I will listen to her and take her seriously. That when she has an emotional need, I’ll do everything I can to meet it. I think part of my job as a parent is knowing her well enough to see those cues, to know when “My nose hurts” actually means “I need some time with you.” So that morning, instead of working as I’d planned, I cuddled with my daughter. We read books, ate snacks, and danced to her “silly music.” And truly? That time together was more valuable than anything else I could have been doing.

Has there been a time when truly listening to your child changed your plans or your approach to a certain situation?

I’m Bored

I know I must have used that little phrase a few times when I was young but I honestly can’t remember. I remember one time being in the house while it was raining, I was about 9 or 10 years old and I remember feeling bored. Strange isn’t it? Strange that I can actually remember an “I’m bored” moment.

Why wasn’t I bored? Well. For one we had a television off and on throughout my growing up but more off than on and when we did have it we watched a movie or educational show occasionally, we didn’t have cable or anything. I didn’t play video games. I remember when I was 12 or so someone gave us an old Playstation and Mario Bros and we played that sometimes, but since we weren’t in the habit, it mostly sat there and collected dust.My mom got a computer and we did educational games and some of our school on it, but it was fairly limited while my mother plays some casino games on the computer meanwhile. A lot of it was self-limitation. Why? Because we weren’t in the habit. As a grown-up, in free time. I also like to have stuff like my mom play poker games on the computer, but in today’s technology rather than playing games on the computer, you can play real poker at top online casino malaysia as well as earn money, and kill your boredom,. But while kids, games were pretty different. so here we go. There was some boredom games.

My siblings and I played outside. We helped my mom bake. We had chores. Yes. Chores. I think that they may have been the best thing that ever happened to us. We were responsible for animals and gardening and things that were important to our family. My parents really instilled in us that the things we did were important, that they helped the family function and because of that we took pride in doing our part. Sure, sometimes we complained and didn’t want to do it. It’s not like we were angelic or anything. But for the most part we felt good about ourselves when we were helping out.

When it looked like boredom or arguing was setting in my mom would always say “well there are a list of things that need to be done…”, we figured out that we weren’t quite that bored very quickly or sometimes we would accept a “chore.” Why? Because we didn’t want to be bored.

It helped that I watched my parents doing the same thing. My dad was always doing projects and chores and even doing some of the cooking and laundry etc. My mom was always knitting something or learning something or doing something with us and the animals as well as doing things like starting a local drama club or running parts of our local fair. It kept them content. It kept us content. Boredom was just not an option.

To this day, thanks to my parents, every time I am “bored” I am able to motivate and find something to do, either a project or a chore that will keep my mind or my hands busy. I hope that I am able to instill this in my son. I hope that by demonstration and to a large degree eliminating artificial outward stimulants in his life that he will come to find that he is a creative and productive person that is essential to this family. Not because I say so, but because he is.

Drowning in Motherhood: Three Survival Skills

A family member used the phrase “drowning in motherhood” last week to describe her life with a newborn and a toddler. I remember so many days just a few years ago of my own fierce determination mixed with immeasurable joy and overwhelming exhaustion that left me drowning in motherhood.

As a former lifeguard and 8-1/2 year veteran of motherhood, I compiled my top three survival skills to share with new moms who may find themselves in over their heads.

Survival Skill #1: Relax and Submit to Your New Reality

I recently researched an indoor swimming facility for my three young girls to escape this long, dreary winter. I learned that the swim instructors teach a “rollover” technique to children as young as four months. When a submerged child rolls into their back instead of kicking and fighting for the surface, the air in their lungs creates enough buoyancy to bring their head above water.

Motherhood is like that, too. When we learn to relax and give in a little, the stress and struggle of mothering eases up. Maybe the house is a mess and you’ve served canned soup and grilled cheese for the third time this week. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of mothering. Sit back, put your feet up and catch your breath.

Survival Skill #2: Find Your Life Preserver

Getting your head above water is only the first step; now you need some help staying afloat. When you first become a mom, it’s common and so easy to become isolated from your former world. Your past relationships and lifestyle may not fit any longer; and that’s okay. But motherhood is a lot more difficult if you put yourself in solitary confinement.

You’ve got to reach out and find new connections to help you through this part of your journey. Consider joining a play group, striking up a conversation with other moms at the park, or enrolling your little ones in a cooperative preschool or Mother’s Time Out program. You will learn so much about parenting and child development, and hopefully, you will start lasting friendships based on the commonality of motherhood.

If you are parenting with a spouse or partner, tether yourself together during this time. Losing your connection to the person you love most is not only possible, it’s common during the first year of parenting. It’s true that your relationship will never be the same, but with a lot of work and communication, you will build yourselves an unsinkable lifeboat.

Survival Secret #3: Count Your Blessings

How many times have you exclaimed, “Thank God!” after pulling through a harrowing experience? It may sound cliché, but learning to appreciate what you have each day will give you the strength to endure whatever comes your way.

Last week, I received the staggering news that a friend’s 12-year-old daughter had died suddenly after a mild illness. It is a tragedy like this that causes you to shift your priorities. In my case, it reminded me of the first few weeks after my second baby was born. I was struggling to care for a 2-year-old and a newborn. And then came a phone call that changed my life forever. A teenage family member was hospitalized in the intensive care unit because of kidney failure.

From that moment on, I cherished the dark, quiet hours at night when I fed and rocked my baby girl. I was still tired, but no longer frustrated or overwhelmed. I understood then, and now, that I am blessed and make sure my children know every day how much they are loved. After many surgeries and weeks in the hospital, my family member survived. The lesson I learned from her struggle remains.

My second daughter is now six years old. She crawled into my bed last weekend in the wee hours of the night. She was feverish and wanted to sleep with me. I snuggled close to her and listened while she drifted off to sleep. I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer of gratitude. And when – two hours later – my two-year-old daughter padded in wordlessly and climbed into bed on the other side of me, I repeated the ritual.

Practicing NVC

After I checked out Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg from my library, I knew I would need to buy it for my personal collection. It is excellent. Not only is NVC extremely relevant to parents working towards healthy relationships with their children, but the principals are applicable in any type of communicative relationship….spouses, family members, co-workers, employers, neighbors, and just about anyone with whom we may potentially have disagreements once in a while.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with NVC, know that this approach to communication is a cornerstone of attachment parenting. Here are the concepts of NVC in a nutshell: it is about feelings and needs. It’s about setting judgement aside and focusing on communicating how we feel and what we need.

While the book is an inspiring read, it can be difficult to put to practical use…at first. It was difficult for me in the beginning because I wasn’t used to communicating this way (effectively). But right away, even for the novice “nonviolent communicator,” it’s easy to start with small steps simply by raising awareness of critical moments in your daily communications; those when it would be easy to impart judgment on a situation. Instead of judging, I try to re-think my viewpoint and re-phrase my words to be as objective as possible.

What I See: So instead of walking in to the living room and saying, “Oh, what a big mess in here,” I keep my observations clear and straightforward. “I see books, blocks, scarves, and trucks spread on the floor from wall to wall.”

How I Feel: “I feel tired because I’ve picked up these toys two times already today.”

What I need: “I need order in this room, and I need help to make it happen.”

Will You? “JJ, will you please put the scarves in the basket? Elia, will you put books back on the shelf please?”

What could easily have started as a judgment (Why are you so messy?), confrontation (You never put your toys away!) and demand (Get this cleaned up now!), turns out to be a cooperative activity, and my need for order is met.

I realize that with toddlers and very young kids, it may be difficult to get immediate cooperation with respect to a person’s needs. As my kids grow, NVC gets more and more effective, and I especially love it for my husband’s and my interactions. What takes practice is the ability to distance ourselves from any personal attacks and look for specific feelings and unmet needs.

Anyone new to NVC can start practicing the tactics intermittently. If I have an observation, feeling, need, or request to convey, I practice stating it nonjudgmentally in as many situations as I can, whether or not there is anything else to express about it. For example, at breakfast this morning I said, “I see Elia using a fork and JJ sitting down in his chair,” just to practice statements of observation. To my husband I said, “I feel nervous about my meeting today.” Or, while making cookies today, “I need the eggs cracked in this bowl.” Or, this evening, “JJ, would you pick out your nighttime diaper?” All of those events happened independently and did not result in extensive communication, but they gave me a chance to identify and verbalize a sight, feeling, need, and a request. I continue to look for small moments like those to help me practice.

Right now, I have to sort through my emotions and think hard about articulating my feelings and needs. It is common for me to say how I “feel” without really stating a feeling. For example: “I feel like you’re not listening to me.” This statement does contain the word “feel,” but it’s really an accusation, not a true description of how I feel. I feel insecure. I feel discouraged. I feel angry. Those are more accurate descriptions for how I feel when my need to be heard isn’t met. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers lists of common feelings and needs that I refer to often!

Regarding NVC, I also like that only one person in a communication exchange needs to be familiar with the principals to make it effective. So I can help someone else (like my children) identify their feelings and needs and feel successful in communicating them. “Oh, Elia, I see that you lost your dinosaur toy! That must make you feel sad…you loved watching him hatch and grow! Do you need a hug? I’m sorry that he’s gone. How about if we look for another dinosaur egg the next time we go to the store?” By offering suggestions or making guesses as to what she is feeling, it gives her a chance to correct me–“No I’m not sad, I’m mad!” This creates a more meaningful conversation and is teaching my daughter effective, empathic communication.

If you haven’t read NVC yet, check it out, and you can join me in my ongoing efforts to practice it! Effective communication is excellent.

Present in the Mundane

“Try to get me mama!” my four year old yells as he runs through the clean clothes piled all over the bedroom floor. Balled socks are his favorite, but he’s happy to avoid any projectile I throw into the sorting piles.

Making laundry into an obstacle course wasn’t a conscious decision, but it sure has made things more fun. It started simply. I was trying to get my son to help me sort. He used to love it. It was one of those things, early on, that helped him feel confident and capable. He was big. He could recognize which clothes belonged to which family member. But that was a couple of years ago. The novelty has long since worn off.

I would have been happy with him just staying in the same room and not knocking over the folded towels, maybe telling me a story or soliciting me to tell him one. But as I sat in the center of the mounds and threw a pair of sweatpants into one pile and a wash cloth into another, Cavanaugh started running through.

Sorting turns much more interesting with a wildly giggling child running through the towels, his clothes, my clothes, and the cloth napkins. It takes a little longer this way and it’s a lot noisier but sorting and putting away the clothes has somehow turned into quality time for us.

One of the things about being divorced is that there’s not another parent here to play with while the other one does the repetitive, time-consuming, and not so fun tasks. Finding a way that Cavanaugh and I can make a game of out the mundane household tasks means it doesn’t have to be work for either one of us.

Grocery shopping has gotten a lot more fun lately too. Since he’s still small enough to sit in the shopping cart, he’s at perfect eye level with me as we navigate the aisles. We play kissing games where he says, “Try to kiss me Mama!” then darts his head to the other side as I try to kiss him. If I manage to land a smooch on his cheeks, he wipes off my kiss and I say, “Oh man,” in utter disappointment. Hilarious.

Even helping him put on a shirt has turned into play. I look through the neck hole when I hold it up for him to put his head through. Why is this funny? He’d have to tell you. The thing all of these games have in common though is that we’re just being present with one another. We look into each other’s eyes. Crossing things off my to-do list has never been so much fun.

What’s your favorite or least favorite chore to try to get done when you’re with your kids? Why?