APtly Said – Page 62

Hold on to Your Kids

By Lysa Parker, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

For me, Attachment Parenting (AP) has been like a life preserver in a cultural sea that is constantly in turbulence and posing many dangers.

While AP provides us with tools for holding on to your kids, once they enter the world at large you hope your children will stay connected, but we’ve found it continues to take effort on our part as parents. The bottom line is that all relationships take work — even with our spouses.

At every stage of our children’s lives, we hoped that we just could relax and enjoy the fruits of all the efforts we put into them in their early years, only to find out that the relaxing part comes in spurts.

Of course their successes, joys and triumphs become yours as well, but it can be so hard to watch them find their way in this world. Their struggles and pain become your struggles and pain. You know they have to go through the realities of life; they have to learn through their own experiences and decisions.

I wish we could just turn off our emotions and brush our hands and say, “We did our job as parents and now it’s up to them,” but you can’t — not when you are connected. As children grow into their teens and even adulthood, it takes a conscious effort to keep that connection…everyday!

There are so many temptations in our world, so many “wolves” just waiting to attack the hearts and minds of our children. We not only have to build their strength and confidence to face these challenges, but we have to do it for ourselves so that we can be there when they need us and be strong. That’s where having a strong AP community as your extended family can be a safety net.

Attachment Parenting International cofounder and Attached at the Heart coauthor Barbara Nicholson and I often talk about our sons, how we’ve raised sensitive young men who are creative and very independent. While these are wonderful qualities, some of our children are finding it very difficult to find their place in this world and it’s taking a lot longer than we thought. We have no doubt that they will, but it’s not as easy as it seems for others.

We can’t help ourselves from wondering, worrying about them finding the right person to share their life, to bear their children. Will they choose AP as their path or go the opposite way? Will they stay close to our family? Will they all be healthy and happy?

My husband will half-jokingly say that when he turned 18, his parents ran away from home. Our parents’ and grandparents’ generation thinks it is very odd for a child over the age of 18 to live at home. But more importantly, our high-touch, sensitive children require close connections at home to help them maintain their stability.

I recently listened to an interview with Dr. Robert Epstein who said, in reference to the turmoil and troubles many teens and young adults are having in our Western culture: “Any culture that severs the connection between young people and older people creates this problem.” He went on to say that no other teens in the world experience the problems with drug abuse and suicide like we see.

The point I want to make is that while we may make great improvements in our parenting from previous generations, the AP way of life will not always protect our children or prevent them from making mistakes in judgment. If there are generations of abuse or addictions in your family, changing that course will likely take more than one generation. Still, we can affirm to ourselves that we are on the right path to breaking the cycles of dysfunction that so many families have endured for generations.

Our job as parents is to maintain our connection to our children, to be there when they fall, to be their rock and their compass and bring them back home to a circle of security that will refresh and strengthen their hearts. Attachment Parenting gives us the strength, the wisdom and support to do just that.

Seeking an Answer, Being the Answer

A mother of a son, who was already married and had a family of his own, told me of the time he was much younger and in love with a young woman who rejected him. This happened during his army service, and he would call his mother night after night, sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning, to talk to her about his loss and sorrow, until eventually he recovered.

The reason this mother shared her story with me was because of a different soldier in her son’s unit who also had a love who rejected him, but the relationships in his family were broken and he had no one with whom he was close to unburden his sorrow and be comforted. He could not recover from his loss; it cut too deep, and he committed suicide.

Suicide is one of the many faces of aggression – self disparagement and self attack. It is rooted in deep frustration that cannot find its way out through a period of mourning, and it cannot find its way to the thoughts and feelings that can temper its expression. The processes of first finding our sadness and then our tempering elements are human processes that help us keep our perspective on life and develop the resourcefulness and resilience we need to adapt to the circumstances that come our way. In helping children grow up, our thinking must be oriented toward supporting these processes and paying attention to the signs of them becoming stuck.

A teenage girl who was coping with many different sorts of problems wrote her mother the following note:

“I have no reason to live. If this is what my life has to be like, I would rather not go on with it. I am not depressed. I just don’t believe my life will ever be any different and so it’s not worth living. But I know what that would do to you. And so I live for you.”

Of course we want our children to have their own reasons for living. We want them to wake up in the morning and look forward to living their lives to the fullest, setting goals for themselves, feeling excited about their direction in life, defining and working toward fulfilling their dreams. It takes time for a growing child to find his own reasons to live. “And so I live for you” is a pretty good place to start.

As the mother of the young man who lost his love, recovered and continued building his life, we want to be the answer for our children. This mother discovered and felt deep gratitude for the power of the relationship she had developed with her son over the years. We want to be that place where our children can turn when life is dismal and all seems lost. This is the shield from the pain cutting too deeply. We want to be a safe haven of warmth and comfort.

Being this person is the essence of being a parent. It means finding this capacity deep within our hearts. It requires compassion and a yearning to be able to give this of ourselves. Out of this grows our children’s own individuality, vitality and will to live.

Attachment Parenting and School Age Children

Last week the second of my two children, my son, turned 6. I can hardly believe it, to be honest. Six! He’s not a baby anymore, or a toddler, or a preschooler. He’s not even a kindergartner. He’s looking forward to starting first grade in a couple of weeks. His big sister will be starting fourth grade at the same time.

I was just looking back over some of the other posts I’ve written here at APtly Said, which date back to 2009. Over the past five years, my parenting style has shifted as my children have grown. Their needs have changed, so the way I relate to them has also changed. However, one thing that hasn’t changed is my commitment to maintaining a secure attachment. The way I go about it may be a little bit different these days, but the reasons are much the same.

I want my kids to know that I am here for them, no matter what. Because we have created and nurtured a strong bond, they know that I am in their corner, and they always have a safe space to return to after their adventures in the world. Today I have happy, independent, resilient kids. Is it all due to our Attachment Parenting practices? I have no way of knowing for sure, but this parenting approach has worked well for our family. And when my kids bowl me over with their awesomeness, it’s like payback for the time I invested in them when they were younger.

When we think of Attachment Parenting, we often think of practices like cosleeping, breastfeeding and babywearing. With a 9 year old and a 6 year old, I don’t do any of those things. So what does Attachment Parenting look like at this stage? Here’s how I incorporate Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting into my daily parenting:

Feed with Love and Respect — For my kids, this means offering a variety of healthy foods, and then respecting their choices. Of course we have the occasional treat, but because I know that they generally choose from food that I am comfortable with, I don’t sweat that too much. At this point, my kids are also preparing more of their own snacks, so they are taking even more charge over what they eat, choosing from the foods I offer. They especially love to use the toaster.
Respond with Sensitivity — Today I give my kids more space to work through their own emotions and solve some of their own problems. I let them know that I’m available if they need help or comfort, but I offer a hug rather than just scooping them up. Sometimes when my kids are upset, they don’t want me around and that’s okay. Almost always, they will come to me and share their anger or sadness — or their happiness, for that matter — when they’re ready. When that happens, I do my best to be available and offer them both support and guidance.
Use Nurturing Touch — While I don’t babywear anymore, and I respect my children’s wishes around physical contact, we do spend a lot of time cuddling and playing together. My son likes to play a game he calls “huggy mommy” in which I lavish him with hugs and kisses and he tries to get away, laughing all the while. My daughter periodically comes to me and says she just needs a hug. This physical connection seems to help ground my kids and let them know I’m there.
Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally — There are a number of steps I take to help my kids feel safe and secure at night. My son has a night light and special blanket, and both of my children have favorite stuffed animals. We have bedtime routines with stories and lullabies to help prepare them for sleep. My kids also know that if they need me at night, they can come to me for a snuggle. Sometimes I will tuck them back in their own beds; other times — if they’re really upset by a bad dream, for instance — I’ll bring them into bed with me for a while or for the rest of the night.
Provide Consistent and Loving Care — These days, time away from me is mostly spent at school. This works well for our family. I love our neighborhood school, and my kids enjoy it as well. I realize that school is much more than childcare, but for many working parents it serves that purpose, and it’s pretty fantastic. If the neighborhood school hadn’t been a good fit for my kids, I would have considered alternatives. Many of my friends chose alternative paths within the public school system, or opted for private school or homeschool. I think you’ve got to choose what works for your family, whether it’s daycare or school, so that both parents and kids feel secure in the choice. In my case, I chose the PreK-12 Independent School in Raleigh because I figured it was the right for me and my kids.
Practice Positive Discipline — With school-age children, a lot of our discipline is really problem-solving. I do my best to listen to my children, validate their emotions and meet their needs. Then we work together to come up with positive solutions to problems. When there are issues at school, I make sure I understand exactly what happened from the teacher, and as adults, we craft a basic approach so that my kids are getting consistent messages and they understand what is expected of them. It’s hard to follow the rules if you don’t understand them or the reasoning behind them.
Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life — With school-age children, I have much more free time than I did when I had babies and toddlers. While my kids still require adult supervision, they can be trusted to take care of their own basic needs and I even give them a bit of freedom to play at the park across from our house. Also, the time spent in school is time I can use for other tasks outside of parenting. This freedom has allowed me to do things like go back to school myself.

How do you practice Attachment Parenting with your school age children?

An Unexpected Evening Out with Our Son

By Barbara Nicholson, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

You never know when a precious family memory will start out as a seeming disaster!

Many years ago, my husband and I had been planning a special evening out with his boss. I bought a new dress and carefully arranged childcare with a trusted family friend. The plan was that I would drop off our boys ages 7, 5 and 2, and then come home for a leisurely bath, so we’d have plenty of time to get ready.

For some reason, our 5-year-old son did not want to be left that night. He worried about it all day, but I kept reassuring him that he’d have so much fun, we’d only be gone a few hours, and that Mommy and Daddy would spend some special time with him the next day.

I ﬁnally got them all in the car, but as I was pulling away from the curb, I looked back to see that he was still very distressed and begged me to let him stay home. Impulsively, he ran back into the house and I followed, asking my husband to talk to him, as I had no choice but to take the other boys to the sitter. I dreaded the scene when I returned home, thinking that they would both be upset, and my husband would be stressed about what to do. We were going to a very exclusive restaurant that did not cater to children, so I wondered if we’d have to cancel.

I will never forget the joy on my son’s face when I came back in the house. My husband had dressed him in his Sunday best suit, and they were both looking so handsome. They had talked through the problem and decided that if it was this traumatic to be left, and if he was willing to go to a grown-up event and sit quietly in the restaurant, we would let him go with us. Of course, he was an angel that night and all the guests couldn’t get over his maturity and sweetness.

I remember how it felt so right to listen to him and ﬁnd a positive solution that kept all of our dignity intact. And I will always be grateful to my husband for trusting that our son’s needs came above a dinner out with the boss!

Choosing to Sit in the Dark

Brené Brown is a researcher at the University of Houston whose work centers on shame, empathy and vulnerability. She has written several books and speaks all over the world on these important topics, which have a dramatic effect on the ways we live, work and raise our children.

I just love this segment of one of Brené’s presentation’s about empathy that was turned into an animated clip.

She speaks about a topic that is so important for everyone, of all ages, but I especially love it as it applies to parenting. I know as a mom, I often want to “silver lining” things for my kids. They are struggling and having a hard time, and I want to help them feel better. I want to turn an unhappy situation around. My first instinct is to go for a response that minimizes the negatives and emphasizes the positives. It’s like I want to make my kids forget about what’s upsetting them so we can get back to being happy. To brush it under the rug.

But Brené makes an excellent point in that rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.

Instead of silver-lining things to help my kids feel better, I need to meet them where they are with those heavy feelings. I need to sit in the dark with them. I need to be present and not try to sweep their feelings under the rug just because they are unpleasant, but reach out and connect so that they know what they are feeling is normal. Only then will the weight of those feelings be lifted.

Here’s the difference between “silver lining” and “sit-in-the-dark” responses:

Child: “My friend was mean to me today. He didn’t want to play with me and just left me to play all by myself!”
Silver lining: Well, you still have your other friends to play with.
Sit in the dark: Oh, I know you were looking forward to playing with your friend today. You felt hurt when he didn’t want to play.

Child: “I am losing this game AGAIN! I ALWAYS lose at games!”
Silver lining: That’s not true; you do great at games! We’ll play another one, and I’m sure you’ll win the next time.
Sit in the dark: It’s so hard to lose a game. You feel really angry. I bet you wish you could win all the time!

Child: “I am trying to build a blanket fort, but it keeps falling over! One part won’t stay when I let go, and the other part isn’t tall enough. I can’t get it right!”
Silver Lining: What do you mean? This is a great fort! Look, you have a little cave you can hide in!
Sit in the dark: Oh that sounds frustrating! It’s not working out as easily as you hoped? I wonder if there’s something you could do to help make it more stable.

Child: “I’m trying to do this magic trick, but it’s not magic at all! It doesn’t even float in the air like the picture shows!”
Silver lining: But now you have a cool magic wand to play with. You can use it as a prop with your dress-up set!
Sit in the dark: Yeah, the picture makes it look different, doesn’t it? That must be disappointing. You wish the wand would float all by itself, so you could see real magic.

Sitting in the dark with our children means understanding that their feelings are real. It means not minimizing them or trying to wash them away but validating and embracing them. It means teaching kids how to feel. We may not necessarily agree with a child’s feelings, but we must communicate that we accept them. This is the essence of connection.

We must listen not with the intent to respond but with the intent to understand. ~Steven Covey

Postpartum

The crazy world of the postpartum body… there is really nothing quite like it.

I didn’t even recognize myself after I had my son and was almost at a loss of where to start getting active again. I had always been an active person, but it was difficult at first to figure out how to incorporate that into my life now that I had a little one. Not only that, but my body was not even capable of doing all the things that it had been before. Not initially anyway.

First off, it is important to realize that “this too shall pass,” and with some work, you can be in better shape than you were before your baby. It will take time, and you just need to take baby steps! That’s what growing in this new life with a child is all about whether this is your first child or your seventh–each new little human is unique and so is the recovery and adjustment period that you and your body goes through.

Of course, this might not be the stage that many of you are in, but you can still take away some valuable information because postpartum care is just another phase of taking care of a woman’s body, and many women could use a little help in the areas that we are going to discuss. Visit Wphealthcarenews.com for the best products to increase testosterone.

After being pregnant, it is usually necessary to strengthen and bring the abdominal muscles back together. Also there is usually a need for strengthening the pelvic floor. Getting your balance back can be tricky, and it is always nice to tone up a bit, drop a few of the extra baby pounds and start feeling energized.

Pеlvіс rehabilitation іѕ a tуре of physical therapy thаt саn be vеrу hеlрful fоr postpartum moms. Pregnancy аnd childbirth саn damage thе muѕсlеѕ аnd соnnесtіvе tissue оf thе реlvіс flооr, саuѕіng all kіndѕ оf inconvenient аnd uncomfortable ѕуmрtоmѕ fоr wоmеn аftеr they gіvе bіrth.

The Weight Loss Belt, a fashionable belt that weighs 5 to 14 pounds depending on its length and classified by the Health Canada as a Medical Device, is now claiming its rightful place and popularity in the global health and weight loss market. Many people claim its healthful benefits in decreasing one’s weight. But is this the only benefit we can get by using this new medical device? Are there any associated problems that can arise with its use? Increase muscle endurance and strength without hurting the joints. Click here if you want to find out more about muffle stoma noise.

If you have arthritis, this is the right exercise device for you. The Weight Loss Belt can be considered as a medical device for isometric exercise, a type of exercise that uses a static contraction of muscles against a fixed object. It is safe to use even with your aching joints because static contraction of muscles cannot cause muscle and joint pains thus it won’t add more discomfort to your already painful joints. It can increase your muscle strength and endurance without the added pain.

Thе реlvіс flооr ѕtrеtсhеѕ between thе рubіс bone and the tаіlbоnе and cradles уоur bladder, bowel, and uterus. The реlvіс flооr muѕсlеѕ еnаblе уоu tо kеер urіnе аnd feces in – аnd rеlеаѕе thеm – whеn уоu need to.

There are a variety of creams that have been developed to help in tightening vaginal muscles. Most of these creams are manufactured by The V Institute that are known to contain skin tightening characteristics. These creams are applied on the vaginal walls and they help to increase a woman’s sensitivity during an intercourse. After being used for some time, the loose vagina will tighten and hence the couple will be able to enjoy sex equally. Vagina tightening creams have no side effects due to the fact that they are manufactured using natural raw materials. They will also help to lubricate the vagina during an intercourse. Therefore if a woman has a dry vagina during sex, applying these creams would help to lubricate and also to prevent odors from the vagina. It is important that you don’t use the creams during menstruation and also if you are suffering from any vaginal infection. Thеу аlѕо hеlр you соntrасt аnd rеlаx your vagina durіng sex. Visit https://dermatologyandlasergroup.com/body-procedures/thermiva-nyc/ to learn more about vaginal rejuvenation.

When thе реlvіс flооr muѕсlеѕ are tіght оr weak, thеу can саuѕе annoying symptoms оr even раіn. A urоgуnесоlоgіѕt оr a pelvic flооr physical thеrаріѕt (PT) can evaluate thеѕе muѕсlеѕ аnd dеtеrmіnе whеthеr thеу’rе соntrіbutіng tо уоur ѕуmрtоmѕ.

Yоur thеrаріѕt will tеасh you to identify various muѕсlеѕ, ѕо you can ѕtrеngthеn оr rеlеаѕе them. All оf the muscles in thіѕ аrеа wоrk tоgеthеr tо hеlр you mаіntаіn уоur соrе strength аnd рrеvеnt іnсоntіnеnсе.

Yоur thеrаріѕt wіll аlѕо uѕе hеr fіngеrѕ tо mаѕѕаgе уоur thіghѕ, buttocks, аnd thе tіѕѕuе inside уоur vаgіnа. Thе gоаl is tо gently ѕtrеtсh thіѕ аrеа аnd rеlеаѕе trigger роіntѕ thаt аrе саuѕіng pain. Thіѕ саn bе uncomfortable, раrtісulаrlу іf you hаvе сhrоnіс раіn оr аrе reluctant tо аllоw probing іnѕіdе уоur vаgіnа.

First, уоu should know thаt the physical therapists whо dо thіѕ work hаvе lеаrnеd it bу having іt dоnе tо thеm аnd hаvе a gооd idea of what уоu are fееlіng whеn thеу touch уоu іn іntіmаtе places. They are trаіnеd to bе vеrу gеntlе and will adjust thеіr touch tо mаkе ѕurе it’s nоt tоо intense fоr you.

Pаtіеntѕ ѕау it feels muсh like a rеgulаr mаѕѕаgе. They feel discomfort when the thеrаріѕt presses оn tіght muѕсlеѕ, but thеn a sense of rеlеаѕе or rеlіеf afterward, whеn the tіghtnеѕѕ еаѕеѕ. Ovеr tіmе, thе thеrару becomes less uncomfortable аnd уоur symptoms should іmрrоvе.

If they аrе, thе PT саn wоrk tо release trіggеr роіntѕ – аrеаѕ where thе tіѕѕuеѕ аrе stuck tоgеthеr rаthеr thаn ѕlіdіng еаѕіlу against each оthеr. PTѕ also teach уоu to dо еxеrсіѕеѕ аt hоmе to hеlр rеlаx muѕсlеѕ that are tight аnd ѕtrеngthеn muscles that are weak.

It is important to work on good posture and strengthen your ham strings and calves as well as improve your balance and even walk so that you are being good to your knees and hips, Posture Savvy has lots of helpful information about a good posture.

A great exercise to help with your back and a gentle core exercise is the cat stretch:

Perform these in a Tabata-style workout, meaning that you begin the exercise and continue for 20 seconds, rest for a full 10 seconds and then begin again. Start with 4 repetitions and work your way up to 8.

It is important to strengthen your pelvic floor as well and there is no better way to do that than with squats and lunges! That, and who doesn’t want a toned tush? And let’s face it: it goes a little mushy trying to be the counterbalance to your baby belly. Squats and lunges can be performed while wearing your baby. If you have more than one child, then get creative and do them outside while you are watching your other children play.

Before you do your squats and lunges walk a bit to warm up your legs and then do 20 seconds worth of the exercise, making sure that you have good form, and then rest for 10. Start with 4 repetitions and work your way up to 8.

Remember to get out and walk. Go for a walk around the block or to a park; walk to the store if you are able. Walk as much as possible and don’t forget to carry your little built-in weight! Whether you hold your munchkin or carry baby in a backpack, front pack or sling, you have the perfect amount of extra weight to make things challenging.

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy Treatment іnvоlvеѕ ѕеvеrаl dіffеrеnt kinds оf tесhnіԛuеѕ thаt fосuѕ оn thе muѕсlеѕ and соnnесtіvе tіѕѕuе оf your pelvic flооr аnd abdomen.

Start slowly with these few exercises. Remember, that you can use fat burners like Skald to assist in your weight loss journey. It won’t be long until you will start to see your body respond to the exercise, and you’ll be moving on to something more challenging. Enjoy!

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: Parent Support Deserts in the USA

By Rita Brhel, Editor of Attached Family magazine, API’s Publications Coordinator

What this year’s celebration of World Breastfeeding Week is really about—more than updating the status on breastfeeding acceptance or increasing understanding for mothers who are unable to breastfeed—is advocacy for parent support.

While the primary goal of Attachment Parenting International (API) is to raise awareness of the importance of a secure parent-child attachment, the organization’s overarching strategy is to provide research-backed information in an environment of respect, empathy and compassion in order to support parents in making decisions for their families and to create support environments in their communities. API extends beyond attachment education, also promoting the best practices in all aspects of parenting from pregnancy and childbirth to infant feeding and nurturing touch to sleep and discipline to personal balance and self-improvement through such innovative programs as API Support Groups, the API Reads book club and the Journal of Attachment Parenting, just to name a few.

API is a parent support organization made up of parents located around the world with a deep desire to support other parents.

In this spirit, API created the Parent Support Deserts project through which we mapped gaps in local parent support opportunities specific to Attachment Parenting (AP). The goals of this multi-layered project are to identify communities, regions and nations in need of conscious-minded parent support and to encourage collaboration among like-minded organizations to address these gaps.

As research pours in on the benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding, evidence continues to point toward AP practices, such as using fewer interventions during childbirth, avoiding early mother-baby separation, rooming-in at the hospital, breastfeeding on demand, interpreting pre-cry hunger signals, encouraging skin-to-skin contact, room sharing, discouraging cry-it-out sleep training, helping the father in supporting the mother, and others. As a result, the vast support network that many communities now have for breastfeeding mothers—from a breastfeeding-friendly medical community to lactation consultants and peer counselors to doulas and childbirth educators and parent educators trained in lactation support—tend to direct breastfeeding mothers toward Attachment Parenting.

Local parent support for breastfeeding has grown at an astonishing rate since La Leche League (LLL) International was founded in Illinois, USA, in 1956. LLL groups are located worldwide in nearly all developed nations as well as other less-developed countries. LLL has expanded its resources as cultures have evolved with technology and the changing roles for mothers, assisting mothers in providing breast milk to their infants whether through exclusive or partial breastfeeding or pumping as needed.

By contrast, there are few organized AP-minded support opportunities for mothers who are unable to or choose not to breastfeed or feed expressed breast milk. Formula-feeding parents are relatively on their own in terms of finding support that rightly points them in the direction of Attachment Parenting, as this choice or necessity to bottle-feed exclusively is seen less as part of the relationship context and more solely a nutritive option—though certainly we know, and research in sensitive responsiveness is finding, the behaviors surrounding bottle feeding are as much a part of the parent-child relationship as is breastfeeding. Unlike breastfeeding support, formula-feeding support is much less cohesive, with some information sources putting forth questionable science regarding formula versus breastfeeding benefits.

For this introductory look at the Parent Support Deserts project, we examined locations of parent support groups in terms of infant-feeding in the Attachment Parenting context. We focused on LLL for breastfeeding support and API for both breastfeeding and formula-feeding support. While this list is in flux, click here to see state reports of API’s Parent Support Deserts specific to Attachment Parenting infant-feeding support in the United States as spring 2014, as well as read more details about the Parent Support Deserts project. You can find this article in the latest issue of Attached Family magazine.

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: Learning to Listen

By Sara Jones Rust

My husband gently bounced our wailing 3-week-old son while pacing around our apartment. I quickly finished toweling off, ran a comb through my wet hair and threw on a comfy pair of post-baby pants and a T-shirt. Luckily I had the forethought to brush my teeth while in the shower, a time saver I had picked up over the last few weeks. I jumped into the corner of the couch that had recently become imprinted with my shape and adjusted the nursing pillow.

“Okay, ready,” I said, refreshed from my shower and the savored last few moments without a child attached to me. Beckett screamed. His face was red with insistence that he was not pleased. His little arms, still the purplish hue of newborn skin, flailed around seemingly out of his control. My husband handed our extremely loud, squirming, 7-pound bundle to me with a look that said he was sorry he wasn’t able to keep him asleep any longer. It had only been 40 minutes since our last nursing session. I cradled Beckett in my arm, positioned him and quiet fell. He latched on and began sucking furiously. His wide eyes locked with mine in an intense stare, letting me know that milk was required now and anything less would not be tolerated. After all, I had let him down before. Then after a few moments, his gaze softened and his eyelids fluttered with the pleasure of warm milk.

Immediately after Beckett’s very fast birth—I dilated completely and delivered him in less than three hours—I had a postnatal hemorrhage. I passed out, and the midwife stopped the bleeding, but it scared my husband. I had to take some iron pills during my hospital stay, but other than that, it was fairly glanced over. Hours later, I felt good so I didn’t think to ask any questions.

Beckett was perfect: He barely cried, and I fed him every three hours per the nurse’s recommendation. He had some trouble latching on at first but caught on in the first 24 hours. My new little family, drunk with happiness, basked in the quiet timelessness that the hospital provides in those first days before we headed home, when the realities of having a newborn smacked us sober.

Before we were released from the hospital, the staff ran down a typical checklist. Beckett was small—just over 6 pounds at birth—and he’d lost weight and became jaundiced because my milk had yet to come in. This was typical, we were told. They discharged us, but we had to return the next day for a bilirubin test to see if his jaundice was gone.

That first night home was a shock. Beckett cried and continued to cry—all night. We changed, we burped, we bounced, we danced, we swung, we patted, we shushed and eventually we cried, too. The only thing that stopped him from crying was nursing, which I was doing every two to three hours, as the nurses told me to.

When he was four days old, he was still jaundiced and was now spending a good amount of time in a light box, which looks like a baby-sized tanning bed, to help his body get rid of the bilirubin that was causing jaundice. He’d only gained an ounce or two, and my milk still hadn’t come in.

I had been determined to breastfeed, and I was beginning to think it wasn’t going to happen. Beckett’s pediatrician was putting quite a bit of pressure on us to supplement with formula. I felt so helpless. I sobbed as I put the bottle in his mouth. He pushed it out a few times but eventually accepted it and sucked down the entire few ounces in a matter of minutes. I was worried he would stop nursing, that he would prefer the formula to my milk … if it ever came in. I felt I was letting him down.

But Beckett stuck with me, kicking and screaming, as it were. We kept up our nursing schedule. I had an app on my phone that alerted me every two hours. Finally, on the fifth day, my milk came in. Nothing could have made me happier. We ditched the formula, Beckett ditched the jaundice, and I took pride in and felt thankful that I was able to nourish my child the way I had planned—the way I felt was best for us.

I found out much later, in speaking with a lactation consultant, that the postnatal hemorrhage was most likely the cause for my stunted lactation. I’m not sure if I would have done anything differently, but it certainly would have alleviated some of my feelings of failure and guilt if I had known this.

Beckett began to pack on the ounces, but still his crying persisted. He would only sleep if he was being held. We counted the minutes until another feeding, because it was the only time he didn’t cry. Inevitably after he nursed, he’d fall asleep and we’d have a few moments of peace before he awoke, mid-scream, and we’d start counting down the minutes to feeding time again.

After two weeks of little sleep, we were at a pediatrician appointment when I had a moment that changed everything for us. Beckett was fit as a fiddle, but the doctor still wasn’t thrilled with his weight gain. It was good but not great. The doctor thought the crying might be colic and described it as unstoppable crying. To which I replied, “He stops when he’s nursing.”

“Hungry guy,” she said. Right at that moment, everything clicked. He’s just hungry! I couldn’t believe I had been so rigid in our feeding schedule. I immediately stopped thinking about schedules and instructions and just began to listen to my heart, the mom instinct that, like my milk supply, seemed also to be a little stunted. From then on, I nursed him whenever he was inconsolable. It ended up being a lot. I wondered if it was possible to nurse a baby too much. But I continued to let my gut overrule my paranoia.

Once I learned to listen to my son and to myself, things began to fall into place. At our following pediatrician visits, we were told that he was thriving and to keep doing whatever we were doing. It didn’t solve all of our problems by any means, but it began a practice of listening in our house that has served us well and, I am confident, will continue to.