By Deanna Spangler, API Leader in Roseville, California
So life in my house is busy with three girls ages 7, 5, and 2. Not only am I a stay-at-home mom but I started homeschooling my oldest this year. Busy doing the same tasks grossly repetitively I clean, teach, change diapers, laundry, errands – we all have our own version of the grind.
At the library the other day Melany picked a CD off the shelf of the library, I brought it home to find the audio CD from the cartoon movie Curious George of all things. I can’t stop playing it. Most of the songs are really great but the one in particular I heard while driving and thinking. Sappy it may be, but it is one of those songs that stopped me and the noise in my head and spoke to my soul in a way that it made me be totally present.
“With My Own Two Hands” is about changing the world and making it a better place to live (yes, touchy-feely, I know). But, for me, it is about doing divine work here on earth. Doing what I can with my hands, my body, my heart to help, give, and to love and teach. It is my obligation to teach my kids to do the same. Making the world a better place for all is a great goal but is an idealistic, removed way of saying we will fulfill our obligation to each other. But, at that moment I realized practically, realistically what does it mean? How do I REALLY change the world with MY OWN two hands?
The answer is to do all you can to produce quality humans in the world. In other words, do exactly what you are already doing, being the best parent possible. It doesn’t mean being perfect or being everything to everybody. It means being present when your little one looks at you. You are changing the world in your house and in your communities, in your states, in this world. You do this all while you make a house a home and make family dinners. By dropping all your plans and caretaking your little one that needs to see a doctor, or by folding the 8th load of the laundry for the day. You change the world for better when you cancel meetings to make it to the soccer games after school.
As parents we are responsible for SO much. We attend to the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of our kids but let’s not forget ALL the other things like instilling magic, role modeling, striving for balance, grinding out daily rituals, keeping up holiday traditions, juggling vacations, teaching finances, and the importance of voting…the list is endless. But all this work of molding these small humans does not get noticed with paychecks or praise but with moments that reflect what quality human beings they are turning out to be. These small moments are you prize for changing the world.
And just because someone has the opposite problem, doesn’t mean that oversupply isn’t a problem in its own right.
This was originally posted on the blog of Pittsburgh area doula and childbirth educator Vanessa T.
Fighting the Battle Against Oversupply
With less than half of women breastfeeding at the six month mark we have to assume that many women believe they don’t make enough breast milk. But what about the others? The ones at the other end of the spectrum, making enough to feed a small village of babies? As one of these women, I can say that we are often told to be grateful for it because women who don’t make enough would be happy to have our problem. Well… I’m here to say that oversupply ain’t all it is cracked up to be. And just because someone has the opposite problem, doesn’t mean that oversupply isn’t a problem in its own right.
Oversupply isn’t just about having too much milk. If that was all there was to the problem, it probably wouldn’t be a problem. Oversupply is usually accompanied by a letdown that causes mom to spray milk at a high rate, which causes the baby to choke and swallow air. What eventually happens is that the baby fills up on the milk, which contains very little fat and air and this leads to gas and stomach pains. This causes the baby to appear colicky and have explosive gas and bowel movements. And also want to nurse constantly, perpetuating the cycle of oversupply and colic.
My oldest daughter had colic. It lasted way beyond the typical three months. In fact most of her first year is a blur due to her constant crying and nursing. My middle daughter didn’t have it, mostly because I was still nursing her older sister as a toddler and she helped mitigate any extra milk. When my milk came in, three days after the birth of my youngest, I recognized the signs of strong letdown immediately.
We tried block feeding (nursing on only one side per session) for several weeks. This along with positioning the baby above my breast really didn’t seem to help at all. I resorted to pulling her off when my milk let down and spraying into a cloth then relatching her. But women have multiple letdowns during each nursing session, so this was extremely inconvenient when not at home. I was desperate for answers… so I turned to Dr. Google and came across a very interesting study in the International Breastfeeding Journal.
The Protocol
You can read the study for free here. But basically the protocol consists of pumping your breasts dry. I used a hospital grade pump from A Mother’s Boutique, but I’m sure you could use a regular double electric pump. Followed by a nursing session where the baby nurses freely from each side. This lasted several hours! And was followed by a very deep, comfortable sleep by my baby. When she woke up, I began nursing from one side and stayed on that side for 3-4 hours. Then I switched for the next block and continued on for the next week.
Day One
The day after doing this our baby was noticeably less fussy. She also had a really nice poop that she did on her own without much fuss. She was less gassy and easier to nurse. I did experience a bit of engorgement about 30 hours after the initial pumping session. This led to a crazy letdown. But I did not repeat the pump out and just allowed the milk to spray into a towel and then relatched.
Day Two
I was noticeably less engorged, but still full. Again, I had to take her off for the first couple of letdowns during the first nursing session of each block. But other than that, I did notice that my breasts were softer at the end of the block and I was certain she was getting more fat. She was still much less gassy and fussy.
Days Three and Four
I almost never have to take her off for any letdowns. I am leaking way less during feedings and even though I have spontaneous letdowns in between nursing sessions, I don’t leak at all during them. Her gas is back to a normal amount for a baby. She is still not really pooping regularly, but I no longer feel worried that it is due to an imbalance of too much fore milk.
Day Five (today)
No engorgement and my breasts always feel soft. I never have to take her off for letdown and my leaking is almost nonexistent. She was a little more fussy and gassy last night and today, but I suspect the six week growth spurt is the culprit. We are planning to return the pump tomorrow or Thursday because I am sure I won’t need to repeat the draining.
I am so happy that I discovered this study. It does not seem to be well known because the Breastfeeding Center of Pittsburgh consultant that I spoke to had never heard of it. I hope that writing about it on my blog will help others find it.
Nothing on API’s website should be construed as medical or legal advice. API articles are provided for information purposes only. Consult your healthcare provider for your individual health and medical needs and attorney for legal advice.
Guest blogger Dr. Bill Sears shares his thoughts on the much talked about TIME Magazine Attachment Parenting Article, “The Man Who Remade Motherhood.”
Hello parents! The cover was risky but a brilliant hook by Time Magazine to attract readers, and they achieved their goal. The writer, Kate Pickert, herself a new mother and one of Time’s most diligent writers, sincerely wanted to increase awareness of the Sears’ family contribution to parenting and family health. She lived with our family for two days, followed me in the office, and spent hours with me on the phone in an attempt to be factual. While the cover photo is not what I or even cover-mom Jamie would have chosen, it accomplished the magazine’s purpose. And, as some attachment dads observed, finally a magazine displays a woman’s breast for the real purpose for which they were designed – to nurture a child, not to sell cars and beer. Cover-mom Jamie is a super-nice person and highly-educated in anthropology, nutrition and theology. I enjoyed the several hours I spent with her family and her kids shined with the social effects of attachment parenting.
Even though I’m used to being misunderstood and misquoted, as is attachment parenting (AP), I had a few concerns. AP is not extreme. It’s very natural and instinctual. It’s the oldest parenting style in the world. Nor is breastfeeding three years extreme, at least throughout the world. The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends for optimal health children be breastfed for at least two years and sometimes recommends three years.
Another misconception was AP is difficult for the mother who works outside the home. It’s just the opposite. Women are the greatest multi-taskers in the world. AP, modified to the parents’ work schedule, helps busy parents reconnect with their child, which actually makes working and parenting easier. It’s attachment moms that forged the long overdue workplace-friendly breastfeeding-pumping stations and laws which respect and value the ability of a working mother to continue part-time breastfeeding.
Regarding the science criticism, it’s impossible to scientifically prove by a placebo-controlled, double-blind, randomized study (the gold standard in science) that AP works better than a more distant style of parenting. You would have to take a thousand mothers who practice AP and another thousand who don’t, and see how their kids turn out. What parent would sign up for such a study? Yet there is one long-term effect that science does agree on: The more securely-attached an infant is, the more securely independent the child becomes.
I’m disappointed the article did not pay more attention to the bottom-line of attachment parenting: how AP children turn out – and that’s where this style of parenting really shines. In my 40 years of studying the long-term effects of what parents do to help their children turn out well, AP kids generally are more: empathetic and compassionate, relate better to people, are easier to discipline, and are just nicer to be around. When I walk into an exam room in my office, an AP baby, like a little sunflower, naturally turns toward my face and lights up. I’ve yet to see an AP child be a school bully. On the contrary, they are the ones who try to comfort a hurting child.
Attachment parenting is not an all-or-nothing, extreme, or indulgent style of parenting. I advise moms and dads that the seven Baby B’s (birth bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bedding close to baby, belief in baby’s cries, beware of baby trainers, and balance) are starter tools (remember, tools not rules) to help parents and infants get to know each other better. And families can modify these tools to fit their individual family situation.
Over my years of mentoring attachment parents, the main two words of feedback I have heard is empowering and validating. My “helper’s high” file is filled with thank you letters such as: “Thank you, Dr. Bill, for validating what my heart and gut tell me is right.” “Thank you, Dr. Bill, for empowering us new parents with your personal experience to help us enjoy our children more.”
As an investment banker dad once told me: “AP is one of the best long-term investments you can make in giving your child a greater chance of growing up happier, healthier, and smarter.” Aren’t those the three main qualities we all want for our children?
Editor’s note: All parents, especially new parents, find themselves on the other end of well-meaning advice that challenges their own instincts or goes against the principles of Attachment Parenting (AP). Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife recently posted about handling criticism – how to have a healthy discussion when you can, when to bow out of these conversations, even signs that you may want to heed the concerns of others.
Once a parent has made the choice to raise their children in an Attachment Parenting manner, they often find themselves the target of a great deal of criticism and anti-attachment advice. Family, friends, and acquaintances are often vocal in sharing their concerns with an attachment-oriented approach to parenting. This criticism can shake a parent’s confidence and leave them wondering if such warnings and advice are valid.
It can be challenging to choose a different path than that of the predominant parenting culture. Fortunately, there are steps the AP parent can take to both reduce the amount of criticism received and reinforce their own convictions on the matter.
Responding to criticism
Project confidence
People are far less likely to jump in and offer advice or criticism if you look like you know exactly what you are doing. There is no need to seek approval, permission, or validation when it comes to your parenting choices. Simply carry on with what needs to be done. Hungry baby? Feed him in whatever manner you choose. Tantruming toddler? Pick her up and find a quiet private place where you can help her regain her composure. No big deal. Just do what needs to be done, and do it with unapologetic confidence. Keep in mind that proceeding calmly is reassuring for the child as well.
Recognize their motives
Most people who offer warnings, advice, and criticism truly have the target parent’s best interests at heart. They sincerely believe what they are saying and authentically want to help. Being aware of these positive motives can take some of the sting out of their words and make it easier for the parent to calmly proceed.
Acknowledge and disengage
With those positive motives in mind, acknowledge the shared advice without feeling the need to engage. In other words, don’t try to change the world; change the subject instead. You are not obligated to enter into a discussion simply because someone shares their advice, criticism, or warnings.
“Thanks for the advice, I’ll keep that in mind!” followed by a change in topic often works to end an unhelpful conversation. Humor can be useful here as well: “Oh, you know how those recommendations are always changing!”You may choose to discuss the reasons behind your parenting choices with other parents who sincerely want to hear what you have to say (even if they ultimately disagree); you may also choose not to engage in a fruitless discussion with someone whose sole motivation is to convince you to change your mind. Smile, nod, and change the subject.
Similarly, “he’s sleeping well!” is a perfectly acceptable answer when a more detailed answer (“he wakes up every three hours to nurse, as expected for his age”) will only invite criticism. Be aware of who you are entering into such a conversation with. It is wise to share your parenting challenges only with those who you know are supportive of an attachment parenting/gentle discipline lifestyle. Just as you wouldn’t discuss homeschooling challenges with someone who was vocally against homeschooling, don’t discuss parenting challenges with those who are vocally critical of an attachment approach to parenting. Don’t invite criticism.
This doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything is perfect. A simple “we’ve had our challenges, but we’re handling them” can be more than sufficient. This form of discretion is simply a wise boundary, not a fake projection of perfection. Use your best judgement to determine when entering into a dialogue with someone will resolve itself peacefully or only create more conflict.
Enforce boundaries
Unfortunately, there are those who will persist in the conversation despite attempts to politely disengage. For those who can’t leave the topic alone, enforce strong boundaries. “I will not discuss this further.” Repeat until they accept that the topic is not open to further discussion. Leave if possible/necessary.
Turn the conversation around
Shift the focus off of you and back to them. This allows them to offer their experiences in a non-confrontational manner. “Interesting! What was it like for you when your baby weaned?”
Lead by example
Actions speak louder than words. Rather than engaging in a discussion, step back and let time demonstrate the fruit of this style of parenting. In the meantime, the same gentle parenting techniques can be used on those who persist in offering criticism: listen to their words, reflect their feelings, acknowledge their underlying motives, and firmly yet gently enforce your boundaries.
Share your reasons and resources
Of course, you may always choose to enter into the discussion rather than politely disengage. When doing so, there are three techniques that can help to make the experience a positive one for both parties:
Empathize:“It sounds to me that your concern is _____. It means a lot to me that you care so much about your niece.”
Educate:“Current recommendations state…” or “If you are interested, I would be happy to share with you some resources that we found helpful when making our decision.”
Express enthusiasm:“I’m really excited that our nursing relationship has continued this long. It’s been a wonderful bonding opportunity for both of us, and it has been an excellent tool in helping us through these turbulent toddler years!”
Strengthening resolve
In addition to knowing how to respond to criticism, it is helpful for the AP parent to have an AP-oriented support network in place as well as an understanding of why they have chosen this path. Both knowledge and support will help to prevent discouragement from taking root.
Build support networks
It can be discouraging to spend time with other parents who are vocally critical of an overall AP approach to child rearing. It can also be difficult to maintain a positive outlook and attachment-oriented focus after spending time with those who parent in a punitive and authoritarian manner. As such, it is helpful for the AP parent to also find supportive families that affirm an AP lifestyle.
While no two families are likely to agree on the details of every parenting matter, connecting with those overall supportive families can leave an AP parent feeling refreshed and re-energized. A supportive network can also provide the parent with additional tools and relevant brainstorming when challenges arise.
For some, that community may be found in person. Attachment Parenting playgroups or La Leche League meetings are good starting places to find these connections. For others, however, depending on the community they live in, that group may exist mainly online during some seasons of their life. While face-to-face support is generally preferable, a solid online AP support network can be an excellent source of resources and encouragement either in addition to or temporarily in place of that in-person community.
Reinforce beliefs through research
Knowledge is another source of affirmation and encouragement. When you are confident that healthy attachment will lead to healthy independence, it matters less when others warn that independence must be forced from the beginning. Scientific resources routinely reaffirm an attachment-oriented approach to child rearing. Spend time reading this research in order to bolster the underlying reasons for your parenting choices.
The more knowledge and tools a parent has, the better equipped they will be to handle challenges and criticism, the more confident they will feel in their choices, and the easier they will be able to say “this is what we do” instead of “that is what we don’t do”. In addition, solid science-based information is useful to have on hand when choosing to enter into a parenting discussion.
Recognize the roots of criticism
Anti-attachment warnings are often both rooted in fear and create fear. Such admonitions may include warnings against responding to a baby’s cries, bed-sharing, full-term nursing, gentle discipline, and more:
“Just leave him to cry. He needs to learn he’s not the center of the world.”
“If you let her into your bed now, you’ll never get her out.”
“He needs to learn to be independent, or he’ll be living in your basement when he’s thirty.”
“That ‘gentle discipline’ stuff will create a monster who always expects to get her way.”
“If he’s old enough to ask for it, he’s too old to have it. You’ll turn him into a pervert if you keep nursing him.”
Recognizing these as fear-based statements can reaffirm the AP parent’s stance. Fear-based parenting is restrictive, reactive, and ultimately not rooted in reality. Because fear focuses on control and prevention, it actually restricts a healthy, age-appropriate independence as the child grows. Conversely, Attachment Parenting focuses on healthy attachment, mutually-trusting relationships, and responding to the needs of the individual child. The security and reassurance provided allows the child to grow into an emotionally security, empathetic, confident, and independent individual.
Give it time
You will see the fruit of your choices in time. As your children grow, it becomes easier to let the comments roll off, and the comments become fewer as others see the results as well. Your own experiences will begin to demonstrate the lack of truth in the earlier anti-attachment warnings and criticism. You can also look to those who have teenagers and adult children raised in an Attachment Parenting manner and see the positive outcomes there as well.
When warnings are valid
We have been focusing on criticism and anti-attachment advice that stems solely from an overarching disagreement with Attachment Parenting or gentle discipline in general. It is always wise, however, to consider when a specific warning may be valid.
While AP affirms balance and being aware of the individual child’s needs, there can be times when a parent becomes so focused on the specifics that they miss the bigger picture. An overemphasis on breastfeeding, for example, can be to the detriment of the infant who authentically needs supplementation in order to prevent failure to thrive. Other parents, as their child grows, may confuse AP with permissiveness. In such cases, concerned family and friends may see, for example, an infant displaying signs of failure to thrive or a preschooler seeking the safety of boundaries and offer valid warnings to the parent.
As with all else, use your best judgement to determine whether the warning has basis in reality or is simply a fear-based reaction against AP in general. The following questions may be helpful in making this judgement:
“Is my child healthy and thriving?”
“Is my child generally happy?”
“Is there a concern I have been ignoring because I don’t want to or don’t know how to handle it?”
“Has my child entered a new stage where an adjustment is needed to a particular aspect of my parenting?”
You know your child best. If none of these questions are a concern, the warning is mostly likely a general warning against AP/GD rather than a valid warning about your child’s health, development, or safety.
Summary
The parent who chooses an Attachment Parenting method of child-rearing is often the target of much criticism, warnings, and anti-attachment advice. While such criticism may initially shake a parent’s confidence, there are steps the parent can take both to respond in a positive manner and to strengthen their own resolve on the subject.
To reduce the likelihood of receiving unwanted advice, project confidence while unapologetically doing what needs to be done. Lead by example; in the meantime, be discerning when it comes to discussing parenting challenges. When criticism or advice is offered, there is no obligation to enter into the discussion. To avoid engaging, acknowledge the advice and change the subject or shift the focus back to the other party by asking them about their experiences. Gently but firmly enforce boundaries when polite attempts to disengage are ignored. When choosing to enter into a parenting discussion, empathize, educate, and express contentment with the choices you have made.
To strengthen resolve, build a supportive network of like-minded families. While it is preferential to have this support in-person, online support networks can be an excellent supplement or temporary replacement. Support networks are sources of information, encouragement, and relevant brainstorming when challenges arise. Knowledge is another source of affirmation and encouragement for the AP parent, allowing them to better handle criticism, tackle parenting challenges, and share science-based information. Finally, recognizing the fear-based roots of criticism and how that differs from Attachment Parenting can further strengthen the parent’s resolve.
While most of the warnings and criticism received will stem from a misunderstanding of and disagreement with Attachment Parenting, it is wise for the parent to be aware of times when the warnings offered may be valid. This requires both a willingness to acknowledge areas of weakness and a thorough understanding of the child in question.
Ultimately, time and experience will demonstrate the lack of truth in anti-attachment warnings. In the meantime, maintain positive responses, strengthen foundational knowledge, and continue to build strong networks of supportive families.
This article was originally published at The Hippie Housewife and is being posted here with permission by Cynthia.
Editor’s note: Handling criticism is a topic frequently discussed at Attachment Parenting International Support Groups. To share ideas with parents going through the same thing you are, find a group in your area.
Last year, I gave my sweet husband the colossal task of finding a birthday present for me that a) wasn’t materialistic and b) showed me that he really knew me inside and out. After hearing my request my husband slouched his shoulders and said “Wow, that’s a tall order. Anything I get you is going to be a great disappointment.” This year, hubby had his thinking cap on!
I went out of town for a day and my husband and my boys played all day to build an amazing Mother’s Day Garden complete with sign and all (see attached photos). The kids loved digging, planting and playing king-of-the-dirt-pile but I think they were most excited to show me all of their hard work when I returned!
For my birthday which happens to be right after Mother’s Day, my husband and my babies dug out, and put together two raised bed gardens for my veggie garden. I was unbelievably touched by my gardens; my husband clearly knows me better than I know me (at least sometimes). Not only have we been enjoying fruit and flowers all summer but my children learned a lesson on giving from the heart and getting their hands dirty.
“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life- learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some” Robert Fulghum
“I bless you Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things from the learned and the clever and revealing them to the little children.” Jesus
A newspaper reporter once wrote that, “Fred Donaldson never has a hard day at work. All he does is play around.” The reporter expresses a common misunderstanding of children’s play. We think of children’s play as nothing more than child’s play. I was no different. This dramatically changed one day when I was tugged to the ground by children. I began to see play not as an adult observer, but as a participant.
One day I was lying on a grass hill with five-year-old David watching clouds float by. As we looked up he said, “Fred, you know play is when we don’t know that we are different from each other.” It is sometimes the case that a child says something that takes your breath away and momentarily stops your thinking. David looked at me with one of those knowing smiles that communicates his wisdom without words.
What is it that David knew? He knew that the play I was learning from the children was something very special. It wasn’t about fun, entertainment, or sport. It was a gift allowing us to transcend the limits of cultural, social, and medical differences that we think are so important. David understood that play touches that which is profoundly alive in one person to that which is most profoundly alive in another. Continue reading “Coming Out To Play”
The following is a guest post courtesy of Infant Massage USA for API’s Use Nurturing Touch blog carnival.
A touch, a look, a gesture… are encounters of love where the magic of innocence and candor unite. Mothers, fathers and babies are immersed in an atmosphere of tenderness and simplicity, in which voices, whispers, songs, looks and movements are party to a loving and eternal relationship.
It is an instant that will prolong and impregnate the cellular memory of the skin that has been touched in a special way, making that moment unique and repeatable in time and space until the end of life.
Infant massage is the live voice of humanity, of the love for one another, of the complexity of a moment’s intimacy. Its fundamental objective: love, affection and the forming of bonds, so that the children of the world may be loved, valued and respected. Its essence is so noble that beyond all these gifts, it has added value for the cognitive, emotional and psychomotor development of the child.
During the massage the baby’s senses are alert. When she hears the sound that indicates the beginning of the massage, she is able to anticipate the response. The emotion produced by the voices of the mothers and fathers that sing or speak to her are transformed into movement. The aroma of space, mother and father, and of the oil being rubbed on the body, enrich the baby’s sense of smell. The skin, as a medium receptor of sensations and perceptions, activates other mechanisms, always with positive results, which improve or regulate the immune, digestive, respiratory and endocrine systems. The mother’s only objective and interest within her visual field is to make meaningful all that is taking place.
This systematic set of actions will unleash – like the expansive waves of concentric circles made by a pebble thrown into the water – processes of attention, concentration and memory; the capacity to anticipate events, knowledge of her bodily schema and, later, bodily consciousness. A whole that projects a child that is emotionally harmonious and committed, with herself, her family and her society.
Lic. Virginia Latouche de Levy, CIMI/CEIM
Caracas- Venezuela
The mothers of India have given the world one of the most important parenting tools known to humanity: infant massage. It is probably hard to imagine raising a baby without this gentle, everyday experience, but in some western cultures (particularly the U.S.) it is just being discovered! In her book Infant Massage: A Handbook for Loving Parents, American author Vimala McClure describes her visits to India in the early 1970’s and witnessing mothers all over India giving their babies a daily massage. She was fascinated by this beautiful ritual and soon learned that it was much more than just a sweet gift to sooth a baby, it was a deep spiritual, physical, and emotional connection that had tremendous benefits to the whole family.
Of the five major senses of smell, taste, sight, hearing, and touch have you ever thought about which of these senses are critical for a human being’s survival? Touch is the only sense that a human being cannot live without. Yet in many modern cultures, parents provide very little touch to their children. Infants in the U.S. often spend a majority of their lives going from container to container (i.e. baby seats, infant carriers, car seats), rather than being picked up and held or receiving the nurturing touch necessary for healthy emotional and neurological development. Babies are now experiencing plagiocephaly or “flat head syndrome” because of spending more time on their backs in cribs, swings and carseats. Continue reading “The Importance of Infant Massage”