positive discipline – Page 9

Our Children’s Behavior and How We Respond to the Challenges

I was recently asked by a few people to write on the subject of behavior and how I deal with my boys when things aren’t smooth and easy. Tonight feels like the night to share on this subject. Today was a crazy, challenging day and somehow, we all survived and communicated through it without anyone feeling any worse than we already had within ourselves. There wasn’t enough sleep last night which created a day filled with moodiness, sensitivity, and crying to name a few.

I was having a lupus flare up with major fatigue and to top it off, we got home from a long day only to be locked out! So, I had the boys telling me they were cold and tired, ten bags on my arm, a borrowed ladder from the neighbor, our dog in tow and had to handle this situation. I attempted to climb up to the second story balcony like spider man. As my boys cheered me on, and after calling a few people walking by to assist, we were finally successful and opened the door I thankfully left unlocked today! Just another day in the life. Should I share or should I only share my smiles and happiness? I am choosing to share.

One of the things I’ve always believed is that most of us grew up with the feeling of not being good enough. I learned this several years ago and not only did I remember the point in my life when I made that decision, but I began to see the pattern in everyone I knew. That point when you were a child and the world was yours. You were carefree with mismatched socks on, crooked glasses on your face, a missing front tooth and had no idea what perfect or imperfect was. You just walked around fulfilling your curiosity and trying to find your place in this world without knowing exactly what “fitting in” meant yet.

Then, one day, something happened. Someone made fun of you. Someone judged you. Someone pointed out your differences. Someone made you cry. At that point, you made a decision, most likely unconscious, that you weren’t good enough and the negative self image, comparison to others, and quest to fit in or stand out began.

The reason I am mentioning this is because that happened to me and I’ve spent most of my life actually standing on the outside. I wanted everyone to like me and then I realized I cared more about being ME and understood that not everyone would. Today, I want to share with you because I believe that as a parent, or as any human being trying to find your way, you must realize and understand this pattern so you can not only heal yourself, but also do your best to prevent the same feeling from affecting the younger generations of this world. This awareness and transformation begins with ourselves and our children first.

I had no idea what kind of parent I would be. I had no idea what patience was until I had my first child. No idea. I had no idea what unconditional love was although I thought I had known it well. I truly discovered Love, Patience and an Instinct within myself that I had never known. This instinct is what guides me each day. This Love is what allows me to be patient and kind and strong, no matter what.

I didn’t know that the term ‘gentle’ or ‘positive’ discipline existed, yet I knew that’s what I was practicing. Once you hear a term or you hear others doing what you are doing, it makes you feel like you have support, like you are not alone and like you are not as different as everyone says you are.

I am non-traditional in my ways. Yes. I have been judged and doubted and questioned along the way and I’m certain that will continue. That is fine. My sons may cry in front of you or they may throw a fit in a public place. You may stare and say, “Can’t that woman get her kid’s under control?” You may say, “I know her kid’s are crying because she is an attachment parent and she’s still breastfeeding.” Let me think of what else you might say just so you know that I’m already aware you are saying it. “Sandy really needs to do time outs and discipline those boys or they are just going to be crazy.”

Although I wish you would be kind and have empathy for me and all of the other parents or caretakers out there struggling in moments when they can’t control a situation or sad that their child is suffering, I can’t do anything about you or those like you. You either don’t have kids, think yours are perfect, think you are perfect, or have no idea what it is to love so much that you care more about comforting your suffering child, than being embarrassed because someone can’t handle the annoyance of your struggle.

When children act out, they are crying for attention. They are crying because something isn’t right. They are hungry, they are tired, they are frustrated, they are scared. They may simply need you to hold them. That is all that matters to me. Being there for them in those moments. Logic sometimes works. Sometimes it’s just removing them from the situation if they will let you. Sometimes it is just holding them and assuring them that you are there until it passes.

We must breathe deeply and remain calm. Even if that doesn’t seem possible. I don’t ever want to threaten or shame them into anything. I don’t believe in it. When I do the juggling act of distraction that I sometimes find necessary, I do it in order to get them out of the momentary stress they are experiencing. I don’t dismiss what they are going through. I acknowledge their feelings and their point of view once they are able to communicate with me and we move on with the next moment in our day.

I believe that communication is the most important thing. In any relationship. I communicate with my boys and always have. I respect them as people. They know this and this is how we work our issues out. This is how we support one another and learn who we are. Dominance, yelling, threatening, scaring, punishing…I’m sorry. I do not believe in. Think about yourself. When someone does that to you, do you react gently, kindly, respectfully, obediently. Or would you say you are more defensive, angry or hurt? Yes, you may react obediently but what is that. The negative effects of the situations are prolonged, the hurt feelings linger and something is taken away from you. Somewhere along the way, you will feel like you are bad, not good enough, or unloved.

Obedience to me may look good to others and others may comment on how well behaved your children are, but with obedience comes less of their spirt. In my opinion, communication and positive discipline allow for children to be themselves, allows for their spirits to be free and yet they will learn the respect and boundaries needed without crushing their souls and making them compliant robots for the sake of looking good to others.

To be clear, we are all different. I am only sharing what works for me and what I believe. I am not perfect. I can only hope that my example, my choices and my methods will make my boys strong, independent, free-spirited, confident, loving, compassionate, kind men. I hope that they always remember and know how loved they are. I believe it is the gift of feeling loved that gives us what we need in Being who we are supposed to BE in this Lifetime.

Patience and Love. Support and Encouragement. Warmth and Compassion.
I hear you. I understand you. I respect you. I love you.

Parenting Beyond the Rule Book

Recently, each of my kids has made a comment about family rules lately that made me realize: we don’t have any. Well, nothing formal anyway.

Not to give you the impression that our home is a chaotic free-for-all, devoid of any kind of morality. I like order and manners and helpful contributions as much as any parent. We just do not have a concrete list of rules that that govern our family–a list of dos and don’ts–and I have never once spoken the words, “That’s the rule.”

I didn’t even realize this until one day we were playing the game of If and a question read, If you could get rid of one rule in your house, what would it be? For a minute, no one answered. I thought my kids were simply trying to narrow their answers down. But then my 7-year old daughter said, “Ummm…we don’t have any rules.”

We don’t? Do we not get done what needs to get done every day? Do we not aim to treat each other kindly? To respect our ourselves, each other, our friends, elders, teachers, and our personal property? Do we really not articulate that these are important practices by which to live? How is it, then, that we do them anyway, and more importantly that our kids internalize these values–without stated rules?

Maybe our family rules are more like principles that are felt and understood than declared. Maybe we have rules, but they’re not “Rules.” Maybe our rules have never been formalized because they are lived.

Upon returning from a playdate one day, my 6-year-old son, JJ, had this to say:

JJ: I had a good time, but the one thing I don’t like about my friend’s house is that they have rules.

Me: Rules?

JJ: Yeah, they have rules that you can’t do certain stuff or that you have to do other stuff! They always say, “Well, that’s our rule.”

Me: And we don’t have rules?

JJ: No! We just do what needs to be done. But it’s not a rule. We just know.

And oh, how I love that our kids just know.

To be clear, I get rules. I don’t have anything against them, especially the more people that exist in an environment. Rules keep people safe. They create organization and regulation and ensure fairness. Our kids also understand them. They follow rules where rules exist. They just prefer not to be “ruled.”

Rules provide external guidance and structure, much like a trellis that holds up a viney plant; the trellis directs the plant which way to grow. Without it, the plant falls to the ground; it doesn’t have adequate internal strength to grow taller than the structure provided. On the other hand, there are trees that reach truly exceptional heights because the structure is built from within. (And the roots are deeply secure!) The sturdier the internal structure and the more secure the roots, the greater the capacity for growth.

People also have this capacity for strength and security. And we can begin to develop it in our children’s youth, not by structuring their growth around an externally imposed set of rules, but by fostering their strength from the inside out.

We teach our kids to live the rules, not follow the rules. To just know: Do what needs to be done.

So how does our family set boundaries with no rules? How do we live the rules instead of administer the rules? How do our kids learn about behavior without a set of rules to follow?

We live by example. Instead of having a rule that we don’t hit each other, we don’t hit each other. Instead of having a rule that everyone must share, we are thoughtful and generous with our possessions. Instead of having a rule to say please and thank you, we say please and thank you. Our actions are authentic, not driven by rules.

We connect before we correct. Mostly, I mean an ongoing, long-term connection–we strive for a close, loving, respectful relationship between ourselves and our kids, and this is what guides any behavior corrections. Children are apt to follow the lead of someone to whom they are emotionally connected.

We give directions as we go. If our kids are doing something that needs to stop, we ask them to stop. And they stop.

We are kind and firm. Our kids know that we understand where their behavior is coming from (kindness in empathy), and the answer is no (firmness). “I know you enjoy the fun of jumping on the couch…but please don’t.”

We problem solve. If a behavior happens one time or over and over and over again, we don’t institute a rule and an impending consequence, we get to the root of what is going on and brainstorm ways to solve the problem to change the behavior.

We have family meetings. We regularly discuss behaviors and habits in the house and collaboratively decide what do about them.

We look for the need behind the behavior. “Rule-breaking behavior” is not just behavior that breaks a rule. There’s more to it–a need that a child is trying to meet (though inappropriately). Instead of making a rule to stop the behavior, our approach is to meet the need to stop the behavior.

We follow rules where rules exist. Pretty much any type of activity, class, camp, event, or kid-centered business has a concrete set of dos and don’ts for participants. If we want to take part, we do what the organization deems necessary to be safe and respectful. Wait in line? Take off your shoes? Go one at a time? Don’t touch the equipment? Clean up your work area? No running? Must be a certain age to ride? We understand why rules exist in the world.

At home, we just live in a way that we don’t let rules get in the way of our relationship.

Nighttime Parenting Isn’t Always Pretty

My first had always been a good sleeper. We co-slept through about 18 months or so, and when we moved, Little Man jumped right into his big-boy bed and that’s where he wanted to sleep.

After I had my second child, we went through a phase where Little Man would wander into my bed in the middle of the night. Which was fine for a while. Hey, if he needed some extra security or mommy time or whatever it was, I was happy to oblige. After all, he was adapting to a pretty big change.

After a few months, he would wander into the bedroom in the middle of the night, where the other 3 of us were sleeping, and start asking for trains. Or cookies. Or to go to Zia’s (his aunt’s) house. And when we would say no, a full-throttle tantrum ensued. So, the 3 of us would have to wake fully, get Little Man settled, then try to settle ourselves and the baby to sleep.

He did this every night for about a month. It had gone on long enough that we were all becoming tired, cranky zombies.

I have no problem waking with him for nightmares, for monsters in the closet, or if he’s not feeling well. But to burst in at 2:00 a.m. every night, getting everyone all fired up? It affected everyone, every day. And I didn’t want to start feeling resentful.

Okay, I was already feeling a little resentful.

At a loss, I did something about it. One night, when he came into our room, he made his usual request for something he could be sure we would shoot down. As soon he showed the first signs of tantrum, I picked him up and put him in his bed. I told him he could come back in and talk to us or sleep with us if he could do it quietly, without waking the baby.

Of course, this made him wail. When he came back in, I took him back to his bed, and repeated what I had just said. By the third time, I had almost given up. I felt like I was doing a form of cry-it-out for almost-three-year-olds. But because I was inviting him into our bed and the alternative (sleepy, crabby family) wasn’t good for anyone, I decided to stick to my guns this time.

After one more round, he started to calm down. I asked him, “can you come into the big bed quietly?”

“Yes,” he whispered.

I tucked us all in.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Get trains,” he said.

“No, it’s dark down there and we won’t be able to see them.”

“Okay.” He rolled over and went to sleep.

That was the first and last time I had to do anything like that at night. Now, when he wanders in, he sneaks in quietly and nobody knows until morning. We can all wake refreshed and happy. He has his nighttime security, we have our rest.

Still, as with every parenting move I make, I can’t help but wonder if I did the right thing.

The Man in The Yellow Hat Exemplifies Positive Discipline

A few of my parent friends have pointed out that as much as their kids enjoy watching the PBS show “Curious George”, George always gets into trouble (makes a mess, does something wrong, doesn’t stay where he’s supposed to, etc…) and nothing ever happens to him for it. He never gets punished or has a privilege taken away or a consequence imposed for his actions. This may bother some parents about “Curious George,” saying that the show is not setting a good example for kids about what what should happen in the face of misbehavior, but I happen to think it’s a great example for parents.

Curious George does exactly what he’s supposed to do for his age and development (and species)! By nature and by name, he is curious. He explores his world fully and completely. This is his job as a young, continually developing little person, er, monkey. This is why my kids love the show–they relate so well to George’s genuinely curious nature and all of the honest mistakes that ensue. But, as a parent, what I find most refreshing about “Curious George” is The Man in the Yellow Hat.

The Man in the Yellow Hat never punishes George for his mistakes. He is more concerned with solving the problem. The man helps George put things away, fix things that broke, apologize to people who were involved in any indiscretions, and generally restore order.

The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn’t force George to apologize. Of course, George can’t talk, so maybe that’s why! But George’s body language and expression, along with his cooperation in fixing the problem, is more meaningful than a forced “Sor-ry,” anyway. People can see his remorse and feel his desire to set things right again. George’s inability to speak provides an unwitting platform for making genuine apologies.

The Man in the Yellow Hat will give a heartfelt apology on George’s behalf. And when he does, the apologizee says it’s not necessary. The mistake has been fixed, and they enjoyed George’s authenticity–his curious nature–and appreciated his spirit. The characters in this show are understanding of George’s developmental capabilities.

The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn’t put fear into George. George is never afraid of what The Man will do or say to him when he finds out what happened while he was gone. George is able to present his problem to The Man and know that he will get help in return.

Now, if only The Man in the Yellow Hat would learn not to leave George unsupervised as often as he does…

AP and Spanking Don’t Mix

Many parents, even many of those who are focused on creating a secure attachment with their child, spank as a form of discipline. They may say things like…

“I only spank when….”

“I only spank after I’ve tried [XYZ] first.”

“Spanking is OK when it’s done [a certain way], but not [a certain other way].”

“We did attachment parenting when our kids were infants (past tense).”

“We follow AP, but believe in strong discipline for obedience.”

“We are AP, except for spanking.”

Attachment parenting is about raising children using parenting methods that strengthen relationships, foster empathy, and teach nonviolent communication. Spanking may elicit appropriate behavior in children, but it is a technique that, no matter how it is administered, does not support a secure attachment; it does not meet kids’ emotional needs, and it functions against the goals of AP (communication, connection).

Attachment parenting has no end date. It is not a stage or a phase, but a mindset. It’s a perspective that permeates the relationship between a parent and child and all of the interactions they have together. So, the parenting goals that AP moms and dads have when their kids are infants are the same goals they have when their kids are older; communication, connection, respectful relationships.

Just because children outgrow infanthood, doesn’t mean they outgrow those needs. And just because parents may be focused on teaching their kids appropriate behavior doesn’t mean they should ignore the principles that drew them to AP in the first place.

The goal of attachment parenting is connection, not obedience. There is simply no attachment-promoting way to spank.

There are, however, attachment-promoting ways to discipline; to teach children those necessary elements of behavioral limits, expectations, and accountability, while still prioritizing the parent-child relationship. Positive discipline accomplishes this. The tools of positive discipline fit well within the context of attachment parenting because they follow the “And” principle…

I want to teach my kids how to behave appropriately and I want to prioritize our relationship.
I want my kids to be accountable for their behavior and I want to respect them (their autonomy, their development).
I want to parent with firmness and kindness.
I want to let kids know what is expected of them and I want to stay connected to them.
I want to teach my kids respect and I want to facilitate communication between us.

It is common to equate positive parenting with permissive parenting. As children outgrow the AP practices of infanthood, parents frequently believe that they must “establish control” of their children, expect obedience, and enforce boundaries. For without limits and authority, children “rule the roost,” right?

Yes, children certainly need limits. Yes, they need clear boundaries. Yes, parents must communicate their expectations and hold kids accountable for their behavior. And yes, parents can teach kids these things without punishments, without threats, without inducing fear, and without spanking.

At the start of her 7-week Positive Discipline classes, author and parent educator Jane Nelsen asks parents, “How many of you would try one other parenting tool before you spanked?” Inevitably, every hand goes up. She continues and asks, “How many of you would try two things before spanking?” Hands stay up. “Three things? More?” And still, the hands stay up.

So, many parents are, indeed, aware of the limitations of spanking. Many parents spank because they are exasperated with their child’s behavior and want it to stop but don’t know what else to do. This is exactly what Positive Discipline classes do; they give parents new tools for disciplining effectively and non-punitively, while fostering and maintaining an emotional connection with their children.

As children outgrow the practices of AP such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping, they grow into other ones. Different techniques accomplish the same attachment-oriented goals: connection, security, respectful communication. It is possible to fill parenting toolboxes with a supply of non-punitive, connection-enhancing alternatives to spanking.

There are many. Some are in-the-moment reactive, while others are primarily proactive. All are able to accomplish the same results as spanking (setting limits, expecting accountability, teaching kids appropriate behavior) but with the important element of respect. These are just some (very condensed) examples taken from the set of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools:

Positive time out—both parents and children can take take time to cool off and access our rational brains.
Focus on solutions—move from thinking, “What can I do to get through to you?” to “What can we do to solve this problem?”
Wheel of choice—brainstorm solutions to everyday conflicts to give kids choices in problem solving.
Distract and redirect—turn a “don’t” into a “do.”
Eye to eye—communication becomes more respectful when you look into your child’s eyes.
Hugs—for children and parents alike; we all do better when we feel better. Physical affection restores brain chemistry to a calm, rational state.
Limited choices—provide small steps in shared power.
Listen—your children will listen after they feel listened to.
Use mistakes as opportunities for problem solving, not punishment.
Validate feelings—don’t fix, rescue, or talk children out of their feelings, and have faith in them to work it through.
Agreements—brainstorm with a child to find a solution everyone can agree to. If the problem occurs, remind the child, “What was our agreement?”
Connection before correction—when emotional connection is in place, the need for correction is greatly minimized.
Break the code—misbehavior is an external code for an internal problem; get at the root of the problem and the behavior will change.
Empower your kids—share control to help kids develop skills to have their own power.
Natural consequences—allow kids to experience the natural consequences of their choices without interference from you.
Encouragement—a misbehaving child is a discouraged child and needs to be encouraged rather than made to feel worse.
Use nonviolent communication—Speak in acknowledgements, “You feel hurt and you need someone to understand,” rather than in judgments, “When will you ever learn?”
Take time for teaching—teach kids what to do and be patient with the learning process.
Special time—schedule regular one-on-one time with each child.
Curiosity questions—ask questions to understand the child’s intentions, motives, feelings and needs.
Show faith—have faith in children to handle their mistakes.
Sense of humor—turn discipline into playful parenting.

And there are even more. Not all tools are applicable to every situation, and some tools work better in combination with others. Every situation is different with every family. For more information and explanation on the tools, you can take a class near you or get the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards.

Parenting non-punitively is definitely more time consuming than administering a spanking, but it is infinitely more valuable. A trusting, encouraging, secure relationship is possible with our newborns, grown-up children and every age in between. It affects how they see themselves and how they relate to the world, and it starts now.

A Look at Your Discipline Style

I lead a meeting for the S. Austin Attachment Parenting chapter this morning on finding your discipline style. So often parents talk about what they don’t want to do: spank, shame, do what their parents did, etc. Figuring out what they do want to do is harder, especially when they didn’t have good models.

Before looking at any specific discipline strategies or techniques, it’s worth considering both where we’re coming from and where we’d like to go. Feel free to answer any of the questions in comments or just do it privately as a way of increasing your awareness about your own history and goals.

How were you disciplined as a child?
How did you react/feel when being disciplined?
What would you like to do the same or differently?
What are your goals for disciplining your child(ren)?
What discipline issues are coming up in your household these days?
What is causing discipline conflicts
- child (temperament, developmental level, tired/hungry, etc) or
- you (need to feel in control, unnecessary or unreasonable demand, disrespectful delivery, punitive approach, etc)?
What are your triggers? How do you express your feelings and cope with frustrations?
What are you doing well as a disciplinarian?
What do you wish you were doing differently?

What other questions would you add to this list?

Not So Easy to Define AP to Some Parents

Tonight, I’m going to a parenting class at the request of the facilitator because, as he sees it, I will be able to add some interesting discussion about the topic of parenting. I reluctantly agreed to go, to at least try out the first day of this series.

I am hesitant because, as I told him, I don’t want to get stuck in some AP-bashing session. But I finally agreed, after he spent much time trying to persuade me, because I believe that I may be able to help some parents look at my “different” approach to parenting with new eyes.

See, most parents around my hometown know my children as very well-behaved kids. But they don’t really know my parenting style, because being a stay-at-home parent, most of my parenting style is done privately, in my home. The folks around here only see me and the kids out for brief periods of time, such as at church, the grocery store, the bank or the doctor’s office.

They don’t know that Attachment Parenting (AP) really isn’t for the light of heart. I say this because AP can’t be done half-heartedly and that it really is an intensive, holistic approach to parenting compared to some parenting styles.

I know that tonight’s parenting class is going to center on discipline, for the most part, and the facilitator is very interested in my sharing about positive discipline and how it can be done without spanking or punitive timeouts.

But what he doesn’t know is that AP is about much more than positive discipline, that when I talk to parents about discipline I don’t stop at redirection and teaching. I’m very forthcoming that my parenting approach – and therefore positive discipline – encompasses all areas of parenting.

We know AP as Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting. To a newcomer to AP, the fact that there are eight parts to this parenting approach can simply be overwhelming.

People start researching parenting styles and approaches, going to classes and reading books, often because they’re looking for something different from what they’re doing. Something isn’t working, and they’re looking to tweak.

Those who finally embrace AP have come to the realization that there is no quick fix – that parenting is very much a multi-faceted program, that as parents you have to be involved in every aspect of that child’s life – from discipline to nurturing touch, from feeding with respect to consistent care, from responding with sensitivity to family balance, and so on.

Some parents don’t want to hear this. They don’t want to know that to change their child’s behavior, they have to do all this other stuff that they see has nothing to do with discipline.

If parenting was easy, we wouldn’t need books and experts and classes. There wouldn’t be all this confusion in our culture as to what the best parenting approach is. What makes parenting hard, in actuality, is the conflict it creates in parents trying to find balance in their lives.

Both our needs for balance and our children’s needs to be nurtured need to be met, but not at the expense of one another. Our children need a lot of attention. Discipline isn’t the answer to well-behaved kids; attention is.

Embracing Positive Discipline’s Challenges

Positive discipline doesn’t come instinctively for many people. In fact, that’s why most parents undertake positive discipline in the first place; they want to change their current instincts about raising children. They want to break the cycle of using traditional discipline methods that compromise the parent-child relationship, and they are forging their way in a new direction.

As opposed to parenting with strict control and scare tactics, when children are raised with kindness and respect, parents are instilling a new instinct for discipline. Children learn how to solve problems, manage difficult emotions, and make intrinsic decisions about what’s right and wrong. Positive discipline is a parenting approach that is based on connection and trust, rather than on longing and fear. American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett continues on The Attached Family online magazine.