My favorite part of the body

inga bOur young children — still — master the natural, simple and intuitive connection between body, mind and emotion. Let’s support and inspire each other to live with more ease and calm, every single day. And in case you forgot how to do this, let your kids be your teacher.

Last school year, my daughter and her Grade 1 classmates worked on a classroom project called “My Favorite Part of the Body.” Students were asked to identify one part of their body that they particularly liked. The teacher snapped a picture of whatever body part the kids chose, and each child came up with a text outlining why this body part was their favorite.

When the parents were invited to visit the classroom to have a look at their children’s works of art, my daughter enthusiastically pulled me toward the picture she had created. When I saw it and read what she had to say, my heart melted! This is what my then 6-year-old girl came up with:

inga school project

Looking at her artwork, there were several things that immediately struck me:

  1. The adorable innocence and the natural, simple unconditional body love radiating through the picture and text;
  2. The natural and simply basal connection my little one formed between her lungs and belly, the act of deep breathing, and the positive feeling of relaxation and calm which it can bring about;
  3. How much our children value seeing us parents live and model easy, positive, simple and natural connections between body, mind and emotion.

Reflecting on this — and on the fact that we grown-ups ever so often seem to find ourselves in a state of moderate to total body-mind-emotion disconnection, often accompanied by a rather negative body image and self-awareness — my mom heart started wondering:

  • When, why and where did we lose this connection?
  • And how can we gently support our growing children and adolescents in maintaining and nourishing this natural, simple, intuitive connection to their bodies, minds and emotions?

Maybe the answer lies here: Let’s practice, grow and flow together, inspiring each other every day by practicing the simple art of mindfully and intuitively tuning into our bodies, minds and emotions.

In case you forgot how to do this or need some extra inspiration, just take a look at your kids and let them be your teacher! Observe them in their natural, innocent way of embodying a positive mind-body-emotion connection.

How simple is that!

We are all blessed with a wonderful body that includes a stomach. Besides our stomach, our torso also includes our lungs — and the whole thing is somehow connected. And, hey, with the help of our lungs (and diaphragm) and belly, we can breathe in and out — not only this, we can breathe deeply into our bellies.

When we perform this simple act of deep belly breathing for a couple of moments, it might actually affect the way we feel in a positive way: We might feel more calm and relaxed or maybe just plain good, happy, soothed, at ease, de-stressed, ___________ (fill in the blank).

Our body and mind can do amazing things for us, easily — no elaborate studies, gurus or equipment needed! We simply have to remember and trust these naturally given abilities — to feel into our bodies, and then practice what feels natural, good and intuitive, like deep belly breathing in a moment where we feel tense, sad or anxious. (These are moments when we naturally gravitate toward more agitated, fast and shallow “chest breathing.” Observe yourself and your breathing patterns in these moments.)

Start right here where you are, one deep belly breath at a time — your body, your mind, your emotional state and your kids will thank you!

Editor’s pick: Breastfeeding in jail

Free Images com - Cyan LiI took a breastfeeding support call a few years ago from a woman who was spending a week in a county jail but wasn’t being allowed to use her breast pump. The situation didn’t end well. The jail never budged on its policies, and the woman lost her milk supply, but not before dealing with excruciating engorgement.

On an immediate note, this was a hard situation. But when looking at it from the perspective of breastfeeding as an intervention in a new mother’s life, this was doubly heart-breaking.

I hope that mother was able to turn her life around, but it would’ve been much easier if the prison system had a more thorough understanding of attachment and the potential that becoming a new mother — especially when breastfeeding — has in changing the trajectory of an at-risk mother’s life, not to mention her baby’s life. Wellness writer Meryn Callander explains this phenomenon in her book, Why Dads Leave.

I’m excited to see at least one county jail changing its policies in breastfeeding and mother-baby time among inmates.

“It’s in the interest of everybody to really assist a woman in that situation to rebuild her life and create a healthy home for her child,” Diana Claitor, director of the Texas Jail Project, told the Texas Observer in this week’s Editor’s pick, “Bonding Behind Bars” by health writer Alexis Garcia-Ditta.

In this article, we learn about the Travis County Jail in Texas, USA — one of just 4 county jails in the United States that allows breastfeeding on-site.

Now, to be honest, this still not ideal. The jail only allows moms to breastfeed their newborns up to 2 times a day, 4 days a week. The article doesn’t mention anything about pumping, which I’m hoping is just an oversight, because how else are these moms supposed to keep up their milk supply beyond a few days?

But if a mother is able to keep up her milk supply, and her baby is willing to latch even when only offered the opportunity sporadically at best, those women are rewarded with private time with their babies for a couple hours each time.

This is a huge step — though it’s still not enough. These moms need to have constant access to their babies, not only to be able to breastfeed successfully but also to actually be able to use new motherhood as a turning-around point in their lives. The article is a bit lax on the risks of separating mothers and their children, really downplaying the attachment component.

But it is a step in the right direction, at least.

 

*Photo from Free Images.com/Cyan Li

Kindness is contagious

graphic 2Editor’s note: This week, Feb. 14-20, is Random Acts of Kindness Week, an observance created by the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation that is right in line with the values espoused by Attachment Parenting International (API) families, local API Leaders and volunteers who practice kindness every day by following the third of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting: Respond with Sensitivity.

Did you know that kindness is teachable?

“It’s kind of like weight training,” said Richard Davidson, PhD, psychology and psychiatry professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, director of the Waisman Laboratory for Brain Imaging and Behavior, and founder of the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds. “We found that people can actually build up their compassion ‘muscle’ and respond to others’ suffering with care and a desire to help.”

Kindness is contagious. The positive effects of kindness are experienced in the brain of everyone who witnessed the act, improving their mood and making them significantly more likely to “pay it forward.” This means one good deed in a crowded area can create a domino effect and improve the day of dozens of people! Spending a few hours a week assisting at a food pantry is sure to create a sense of accomplishment in those that do volunteer. Knowing that their labour has benefited their community is not only a positive action for themselves, but for the community itself. Bringing others up out of their predicament and possibly providing the resources to acquire employment. make it happen is a Media on Mars initiative designed to help ensure good projects get off the ground.

RAK_logo_birdKindness increases:

  • The Love Hormone — Witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, occasionally referred to as the “love hormone,” which increases our self-esteem and optimism, which is extra helpful when we’re anxious or shy in a social situation.
  • Energy — According to Christine Carter, PhD, Senior Fellow of the University of California-Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, about half of participants in one study reported that they feel stronger and more energetic after helping others. Many also reported feeling calmer and less depressed, with increased feelings of self-worth.
  • Happiness — A recent Harvard Business School survey of happiness in 136 countries found that people who are altruistic — in this case, people who were generous financially, such as with charitable donations — were happiest overall.
  • Lifespan — Also according to Dr. Carter, people who volunteer tend to experience fewer aches and pains. Giving help to others protects overall health twice as much as aspirin protects against heart disease. People ages 55 and older who volunteer for 2 or more organizations have an impressive 44% lower likelihood of dying early, and that’s after sifting out every other contributing factors, such as physical health, exercise, gender, habits like smoking, and marital status. This is a stronger effect than exercising 4 times a week or going to church.
  • Pleasure — According to research from Emory University, when you are kind to another person, your brain’s pleasure and reward centers light up, as if you were the recipient of the good deed, not the giver. This phenomenon is called the “helper’s high.”
  • Serotonin — Like most medical antidepressants, kindness stimulates the production of serotonin. This feel-good chemical heals your wounds, calms you down and makes you happy.

Kindness decreases:

  • Pain — Engaging in acts of kindness produces endorphins,  the brain’s natural painkiller!
  • Stress — Perpetually kind people have 23% less cortisol, the “stress hormone,” and age slower than the average population.
  • Anxiety — According to a study by the University of British Columbia, a group of highly anxious individuals performed at least 6 acts of kindness a week. After 1 month, there was a significant increase in positive moods, relationship satisfaction and a decrease in social avoidance in socially anxious individuals.
  • Depression — According to Stephen Post, PhD, preventive medicine professor of Stony Brook (NY) University School of Medicine and founder/director of the Center for Medical Humanities, Compassionate Care and Bioethics, when we give of ourselves, everything from life satisfaction to self-realization to physical health is significantly improved. Mortality is delayed, depression is reduced, and well-being and good fortune are increased.
  • Blood pressure — Committing acts of kindness lowers blood pressure. According to David R. Hamilton, PhD, science writer and founder of the Spirit Aid Foundation, acts of kindness create emotional warmth, which releases oxytocin, the “love hormone.” Oxytocin causes the release of a chemical called nitric oxide, which dilates the blood vessels. This reduces blood pressure, and therefore, oxytocin is known as a “cardioprotective” hormone. It protects the heart by lowering blood pressure.

Imagine a world where people look out for each other, where we all pay it forward, where success is measured in selfless acts, where kindness is the philosophy of life.

We are in the love business

graphic 2Valentine’s Day has traditionally been a holiday for couples, an observance set aside for parents to give each other a special token of their love buy why not give you a present for yourself at Gainesville Coins you can have plenty of gold, silver and much more to start a beautiful collection.

Bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolate, candy hearts and cards with arrow-wielding cupids come to mind. Aside from giving gifts, the thegirlfriendactivationsystem.com discusses more ways to make someone feel special during Valentine’s Day.

What doesn’t readily come to mind, but perhaps should, are neurons deep within the brain branching out between brain cells, cementing memories — both conscious and subconscious — to create a child’s knowing of love.

We ask you to give just $5 for Attachment Parenting International’s “Spread the Love” campaign. Each donor will receive a free API Teleseminar recording as our gift.

We may not think of this when we first discover Attachment Parenting. As parents expecting our first baby, or in the midst of that first year of our child’s life, or in the throes of toddler’s emotions, our understanding of Attachment Parenting is set on a more near-sighted goal: How do I as a parent, in this moment…prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting…feed with love and respect…respond with sensitivity…use nurturing touch…ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally…provide consistent, loving care…practice positive discipline…strive for balance in our family and personal lives?

In other words, when we are young in our own parenting journeys — and especially with infants and young children — our focus in Attachment Parenting is in the here and now. Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting guide us to choose parenting behaviors that lead to more peaceful, compassionate, trusting, empathic and joyful relationships with our children. And in return, while it may be challenging at times to go against the cultural grain, we are ultimately rewarded with secure attachments to our children.

As our children grow older, and especially as we mature in our parenting journey, we begin to see the long-range possibilities of Attachment Parenting. We still enjoy the secure attachments within our families, and we still have challenges to overcome through our child’s development, but it gets easier to see beyond the day-to-day challenges of navigating what was once, to us, a new approach to parenting. We begin to be able to see Attachment Parenting as not only having positive consequences in our families but also our communities. What would it be like if all families practiced Attachment Parenting, if all children were able to grow up with a secure attachment to their parents? What would it be like for our communities if an entire generation grew up in peaceful, compassionate, trusting, empathic and joyful home environments?

I wonder, from time to time, what the dating scene will be like when my children are at the age of searching for a spouse. Who will they marry? What will their spouse’s values be? Will it be in line with what they’ve grown into through our Attachment Parenting home?

My children’s brains are being wired for peace, compassion, trust, empathy and joy. As so many of their peers, they like to play “House,” each taking the role of a family member, sometimes a parent and sometimes a child. Their play reflects how our family works. My 8-year-old daughter recently shared her concern about how other girls in her class play “House” while at school:

“I don’t understand why parents spank or ground their kids,” she said.

“Do you think there’s a better way for them to teach their kids?” I asked.

“Yeah, just talk to them,” she said. After a moment, she added, “And be sure not to do whatever you don’t want your child to do, yourself.”

Of course, positive discipline is more complicated than this. It folds in to the remaining of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting to create a certain home environment for positive discipline to work.

So, it’s not so easy to tell parents to stop spanking their kids or to stop having their babies cry-it-out or to be mindful of what childcare provider they choose or any other parenting behavior that does not closely align with Attachment Parenting. This is why it can be difficult for some parents to fully embrace Attachment Parenting. Attachment Parenting is a lifestyle that encompasses the goals of “raising secure, joyful, and empathic children,” as per API’s mission.

The second half of our mission is to support parents “in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world.”

API is in the love business. Volunteers around the world are working everyday on programs, locally and online, to educate and support parents in raising children whose brain neurons are forming each child’s reality of love. We ultimately want to see every child grow with the understanding that love is secure, peaceful, joyful, compassionate, trusting and empathic.

We want to banish parenting practices that raise children who grow up to become adults with an understanding of love as insecure — as a scientifically estimated 40% of the general population does — resulting in future parents who then struggle with trust and commitment, anger and fear, and possibly low self-esteem, poor coping skills, anxiety, depression or an insatiable fear of being abandoned.

Investing in API’s mission is an opportunity to not only ensure that programs and resources are available for you and your family, but also for the families in your community, state, nation and world — with the goal of not only love-centered, peaceful relationships at home but also in your child’s future adult home as well.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day this year by investing in your child’s future through our “Spread the Love” campaign and receive a free API Teleseminar recording in return for your generosity.

Editor’s pick: The 4 parenting styles — and where Attachment Parenting fits in

me and NathanThis week’s pick is an infographic from Mom Junction.

Sometimes parents will refer to Attachment Parenting as a parenting “style.” To be accurate, though, Attachment Parenting International refers to Attachment Parenting as a parenting approach. You may be wondering what the difference is.

It comes down to the scientific definition. Researchers identify 4 parenting styles — broad categories under which are various approaches, or ways of relating to our children. Attachment Parenting is a specific approach that falls under the broader Authoritative parenting style. Read about the 4 parenting styles in this The Attached Family article.

There is some discussion about whether the Authoritative parenting style gives justice in categorizing Attachment Parenting. In question specifically is the non-punishment aspect of positive discipline. Often, other approaches that fall under Authoritative parenting may include logical consequences or other forms of discipline that have a punishment element. Judy Arnall, author of Parenting With Patience, proposes the addition of a 5th parenting style — Collaborative — in this The Attached Family article.

For now, with the current 4 established parenting styles, Attachment Parenting most closely identifies with the Authoritative parenting style, particularly regarding child outcomes.

Parenting-Styles-You-Should-Be-Aware-Of

*Courtesy of: MomJunction

Stay patient while teaching toddlers how to handle strong emotions

kelly shealerOver the past few months, my 3-year-old son has been going through a phase of hitting his brother and sister when he’s angry.

I’ve been working a lot with him, telling him that his angry feelings are okay but that hitting isn’t, and trying to find better ways for him to express that anger. But still, every time he was provoked by his brother or had a toy stolen by his sister, he was quick to hit them.

It has been frustrating for me.

Sometimes, it feels like we keep trying to get the same messages across to our children with no results. We wonder, Why aren’t they getting it? It feels like we’re failing or doing something wrong. But it’s just that it takes time and consistency with young children.

I remind myself of how many times I had to redirect my 1-year-old daughter from pulling books off the shelves. She didn’t get it after the first or second time. It took a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of consistency on my part. It’s the same with a toddler who’s learning to manage emotions.

We may feel sometimes that our children aren’t even listening. But they are. And they’re learning from what we model to them, too. Every time we stay calm when we’re angry, they notice it. Every time we allow strong feelings while stressing limits, they notice it. And this will pay off.

Recently, my oldest son did something to upset my 3-year-old, and I saw my younger son run after him, ready to hit. Even before I could intervene, he stopped. Instead of hitting his brother, he hit the bed. I saw the brief pause — that moment where he gained control of himself and channeled his anger into something that wasn’t going to hurt his brother. That moment was huge.

But even when our children do finally get it, it won’t be 100% of the time. There will still be emotional fights over toys, and times during the day when they’re tired and more easily upset. Even adults have difficulty managing emotions at times, and we don’t always handle our own anger the right way. Our children won’t always, either — because they’re human and because they’re still learning.

We just need to remember to be patient with the process of teaching them.

Editor’s pick: To promote breastfeeding is to promote Attachment Parenting

This week’s article is a new breastfeeding report published Jan. 28 in The Lancet.

FreeImages.com - agastechegThis medical journal feature has already received a lot of attention in the media, and rightfully so. According to the report, universal breastfeeding has the potential to save the lives of 823,000 children and 20,000 mothers each year through fewer infections, and protection against obesity, diabetes and cancer. For those who see the world through dollar signs, that’s an annual economic savings of $300 billion — not a minor amount.

But this is nothing new. The Lancet‘s report is just another in a long list of scientific and editorial articles that underscore the overwhelming evidence in favor of breastfeeding, both in terms of public health and economic gains.

Breastfeeding is one of those relatively few social changes that can provide huge benefits for a lot less money than other interventions — just like Attachment Parenting.

Interestingly, as The Lancet reminds us, breastfeeding is one of the few positive health behaviors more common in poor countries than in wealthy nations. In poor countries, most infants are breastfeeding at 1 year. In most high-income countries, less than 20% of infants are still breastfed at 1 year. In the United Kingdom, that rate is less than 1%!

What is evident looking at the breastfeeding rates per geographic region is that culture matters — as does access to formula.

“The reasons why women avoid or stop breastfeeding range from the medical, cultural and psychological to physical discomfort and inconvenience,” according to The Lancet. “These matters are not trivial, and many mothers without support turn to a bottle of formula. Multiplied across populations and involving multinational commercial interests, this situation has catastrophic consequences on breastfeeding rates and the health of subsequent generations.”

Just looking at these statistics from The Lancet, I conclude that a mother in a poor nation is more likely to live in a culture that expects breastfeeding to 1 year or beyond. She is less likely to have access to formula if she has breastfeeding challenges. And she is much more likely to either have knowledgeable breastfeeding support in her social circles or, if the breastfeeding specialist-to-mother ratio is similar to that of a wealthy nation, those breastfeeding supports are not having to compete with rampant cultural influence from formula companies and other cultural breastfeeding hurdles, such as unpaid maternity leave.

I only need to look around, living in the United States and working as a WIC breastfeeding counselor, to know the reality here. Our Western society does not expect breastfeeding for 1 year or beyond. Breastfeeding rates quickly drop off after 6 weeks, when many mothers return to work — including a huge portion of low-income mothers who cannot afford to take off work for even the medically recommended minimum 6 weeks. Breastfeeding longer is seen more as a privilege of those fortunate to be able to stay at home with their children or have flexible jobs. Alternatively, breastfeeding to 1 year — especially beyond 1 year — is viewed as unneeded and perhaps even inappropriate to toddler development.

(Don’t believe it, moms! The research is clear: Breastfeeding continues to provide great benefits to babies and toddlers as long as they breastfeed, even if they are eating solid food well. And where there’s a will, there’s a way: Not in every case, but in most, if you want to continue breastfeeding once you return to work, the laws can make it happen. And if you’re employed by a business or organization not covered by breastfeeding laws, even these small employers are growing more understanding of breastfeeding benefits and family-work balance. Talk to your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor, or other breastfeeding specialist for more information.)

Likewise, a mother here has plenty of access to formula. There are programs to provide formula to those who income-qualify, and for those who do not, formula companies have no qualms about providing free formula in hospital “new baby” bags or sending free samples to your doorstep. After a long night of a seemingly never-satisfied baby on a growth spurt, that formula can start looking more appealing, especially with advertising claiming formula to be just as good as breastfeeding or at least a good alternative.

(When counseling moms, I like to say that it’s good we have formula when its needed, but it’s important to remember that formula is a breastmilk substitute. It is not anywhere the equivalent of breastmilk, especially when combined with the act of breastfeeding. As a mom who had to supplement at times while breastfeeding my first two babies, I’m glad that I had formula when I needed it, but it did not and could not — scientifically nor anecdotally — take the place of breastfeeding. Again, for moms with breastfeeding questions, contact your local IBCLC, La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor or other breastfeeding specialist. They are a wealth of knowledge and, as moms themselves, have been there, done that. Those growth spurts — at about 7-10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months — can trick even experienced mothers, especially that sneaky 3-week growth spurt…from personal experience!)

And, while breastfeeding support is ever-widening in the United States, there is still more support needed to combat the cultural leanings toward formula. A good start here would be the U.S. fully embracing the WHO Code, which restricts the marketing of formula.

I realize this is a tall order for a capitalist economy. But, as The Lancet reports, it is despite — or perhaps because of — the lack of paid maternity leave in the U.S. that the Affordable Care Act provides protected nursing and pumping breaks and insurance coverage of breast pumps, which The Lancet predicts could increase breastfeeding rates by 25%.

Little by little, with every completed nursing session — as moms work through both the innate challenges of getting a good latch, establishing an abundant milk supply and any other technicalities of breastfeeding as well as the cultural challenges of returning to work, striving toward that 1-year breastfeeding goal and not giving in to the temptation of formula — breastfeeding rates will continue to climb.

me and NathanAnd with every mom-and-baby pair that successfully works through breastfeeding challenges and reaches their goals, Attachment Parenting is getting that much more of a foothold in our culture. Successful breastfeeding embodies a mother-child relationship built on the framework of a secure attachment. Breastfeeding is the ultimate teacher in what a secure attachment relationship looks like — the give and take of a healthy relationship — to a new mother. To promote breastfeeding, which is included in Attachment Parenting International‘s Second Principle of Parenting: Feed with Love and Respect, is to promote Attachment Parenting.

 

** Photo source: FreeImages.com/agastecheg

Being present for another

dandelionEditor’s note: This post was originally published on Oct. 26, 2008, and it continues to inspire parents to give presence to their children.

I find the whole concept of “being present” for another person so relevant to our world. How many of us have not really been given sufficient presence by our parents while we were growing up or even by other influential adults that helped to shape our lives?

There really is so much to be said for looking another person in the eye and just listening to what they are saying no matter what their age.I hear you,” “I hold this safe space for you,” and “You matter” are the subliminal messages of this action, and it feeds a person’s soul on a deep level.

When we do this with our children, we are teaching them that they are important and deserve to be heard. They then can learn from a very early age that the most important people in their life — their parents, who hold so much power in influencing their self esteem — really do care about how they feel about things and what they have to say. We just have to hold the space for them to do that.

Since my son is a preschooler, this skill is becoming ever increasingly more valuable to our family. He wants to talk to us more often now about many different thoughts he has, and both my husband and I try to always look him in the eye and either hold him or sit next to him or play toys with him while he is speaking, or if he was off in another room, making sure to enter into that same room with him.

Giving him direct attention while he is speaking about something really makes him feel so validated, and it boosts his confidence in himself. I try to recap what he has said each time to let him know that Mommy understood his thoughts and ideas. He then usually goes on into greater detail on the topic, because he knows that I listened to him and he feels so happy about it and wants to share more with me.

We have started teaching him about how when another person is talking, we all need to pay attention to that person just like we paid attention to him when he was speaking. It seems to be getting through to him as I’ve seen him give this kind of presence and respect to both of us and even to some friends lately.

To me, this is one of the most important life skills a person needs to develop to live in harmony with the world around them.  Not only do our children need to be given presence, but we all must give presence and respect to each other and be the example of this for the younger generations to emulate.

Editor’s note: Melissa formerly wrote about sustainability, green living, alternative health, nutrition, parenting and life in general at Nature Deva.net