APtly Said – Page 138 – Parenting with Attachment in Mind

Sticking Up for Your Child

I am going to take a little Babywise vs AP blogging break and talk a bit about something that touched very close to home this past weekend though the incident(s) were not a one time thing but something that seems to happen fairly often in my new parenting life.

People seem to think that children are property of some sort that are just up for grabs or up to the discipline of anyone that randomly feels like stepping in and “parenting” for a moment. As you can tell I can be a little bitter about this topic. Maybe bitter isn’t the word for it. I am not bitter I just believe very firmly that the only people that should discipline a child is someone who is invested in that child’s life. When you are invested in a child’s life, when you love them, then you will discipline accordingly.

I have been in several frustrating situations regarding this issue. Just this past weekend it was actually a young girl who followed my son around and told him no or re-directed him every time he did anything for a while. I just remained silent and kept removing my son from the situation but it finally became apparent that I needed to do more. I calmly turned to the girl and told her that I appreciated her attempt to help but I that I was his mother and was watching him carefully and would be the one to discipline him if need be. Believe it or not my heart was pounding and I was nervous to say anything!
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Riders on the Tantrum Storm (Part 1)

Our son, Kieran, has been exceptionally tantrumless for the first 29 months of his life. Yes, he has screamed and cried. Once he fell and halfheartedly writhed on the ground. He’s even pulled the limp rag doll trick once or twice – letting his arms go up lifelessly so we almost drop him at the shock of his sudden heft. All 30 lbs of him.

But for the most part, we’ve not had to deal with “typical” toddler tantrums. By typical, I mean the ones harried veteran parents always stop to warn you about when they see you cuddling a sweet, drool-soaked little bundle of baby chub in the supermarket. And you would smile and nod sympathetically, edging closer to the clerk (because the parent’s wild eyes and twitchy left nostril are making you nervous) all the while knowing that your child will never be “typical.”

For 29 months we’ve been blessed with this easy-going little dude. Well, aside from the fact that he is rather attached to my side 23 hours of each day and would prefer something closer to, say, 24. But still, he’s pretty laid back. I attribute this primarily to Kieran’s extensive signing vocabulary. We are convinced that Kieran’s ability to communicate what he was thinking, wanting, and needing through sign language made his pre-verbal days pretty cakewalk.

Now that he has a great verbal vocabulary too, we still haven’t had a “tantrum,” but he is quicker to boil over with a flood of emotions when he is tired or overloaded. My husband and I have shared several bewildered glances, typically to express something along the lines of:

“Where in the world did that come from?”
Continue reading “Riders on the Tantrum Storm (Part 1)”

The Gift of Being a Flawed Parent

Did you know that API hosts live teleseminars on important parenting topics with some of today’s most noted experts? In the past, the API Live teleseminars have featured Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett discussing parental depression, Dr. Bob Sears chatting about autism spectrum disorders, Mothering magazine editor Peggy O’Mara discussing how we can get real with ourselves and our children, Ina May Gaskin speaking on the topic of the gift of loving your best birth, and much more.

The next API Live teleseminar will be held on Monday, May 24th at 9pm ET where Lu Hanessian will be speaking about “The Gift of Being a Flawed Parent” – How to Use Our Mistakes, Conflicts and Fears to Raise Kids with Big Hearts, Emotional Security and Inner Resilience. Lu will be joined by API co-founders and authors of the book Attached at the Heart to discuss how:

our “flaws” are actually pathways to raising resilient, secure, connected kids
understanding the brain science of attachment can give us our roadmap for reconnection even if we came from a painful past with insecure attachments
we can create or “earn” a secure attachment so we can offer this to our kids

For more information or to register for this event, visit the following webpage: API Live – The Gift of Being a Flawed Parent with Lu Hanessian.

Meeting Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker

A few weeks ago I received an exciting phone call from my co-leader Ivana Lombardo for our Northern Virginia chapter of Attachment Parenting International. Her news? Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, founders of API and authors of the new book Attached at the Heart, were coming into town. Barbara and Lysa planned to promote their new book and meet with the U.S. Department of Health to discuss the attachment parenting lifestyle. Our group had been called on to host them while they were in town; I was psyched to meet API’s founders and was able to help out by making a strawberry and almond salad for an intimate dinner with them. Below are a few photos that I took during our dinner (with alotta help from my half pint assistants Diego and Annabelle).

API founder Barbara Nicholson, who is a mom of four and a wonderful lady. She is so excited that theU.S. Dept. of Health literature is promoting AP principles like breastfeeding, responding with sensitivity to our children, and much more. I have to say that I was a little surprised at her news but am super excited to see that our government is acknowledging that AP parenting works.

You’ll notice that in this photograph of Barbara, there is a bottle. I have to admit that I felt a bit strange meeting the founders of API while bottle feeding my son Levi. While I know that feeding with love and respect (which I am doing with a bottle) is an AP principle, I remember that once upon a time, this principle was called “breastfeeding.” I so badly wanted to breastfeed my son Levi and I did for the first month of his life. I shared my story of experiencing severe postpartum depression and how breastfeeding was something that I needed to let go of for sake of my mental health. I tell myself, whenever I am feeling bad about not breastfeeding Levi, that at least I am here, functioning and loving him.

Let me tell you: Barbara and Lysa didn’t judge me for how I am feeding my baby and I thank them for that. Moms need other moms to support them, especially when hard decisions are made.

Lysa Parker cozied up with all of our kids. Here she is with leader Krystal MacDonald’s son Diego. Both Lysa and Barbara were so warm to our children and to us mammas too. I felt like I had known them both for a long time.

Annabelle took this photograph of Lysa. Isn’t she a beautiful lady?

The infamous Diego, who is a budding violinist and (I think) photographer. His mamma is homeschooling him. He is just the sweetest, smartest kid ever.

I let the kids play with Nikon. Let’s just say that they had a great time having their own photo session:

Annabelle photographed Diego “taking a nap” while they played together upstairs in his room.

and I think she took this photo of Diego’s train mat.

This photograph belongs to either Diego or Annabelle. I loved that they immediately wanted to photograph the toys.

My co-leader Ivana Lombardo and her baby Philip. Ivana and I gave birth around the same time. Ivana is such a positive role model and support for our local group. I look to her for advice since her older son Alec is almost 2 years older than my daughter Annabelle. I have to say, having our AP support group has made such a difference in my life . . . in how I parent and how I love others too.

At dinner, we invited everyone who could come, including Diego’s tadpoles.

Krystal McDonald opened her home and her heart to all of us. She is an amazing mom, a La Leche League leader, an API leader, and a good friend too. I learned everything I know about cloth diapering from her, 🙂

and this beautiful window is nestled in on a stairwell in Krystal’s home. Just gorgeous, isn’t it? I think it really speaks to who Krystal and her family are: a connected and loving family.

Meeting Lysa and Barbara was an amazing opportunity to spend the evening with wise, loving women and our children too. I certainly felt honored and learned a lot just from listening to everyone talk about parenting, life, and making changes in the world. Definitely a night I won’t forget.

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Jessica Monte is a budding photographer and author of the blog Days of You and Me (once upon known as Green Mamma). To see what Jessica is up to these days, visit http://www.greenmamma.org

Babywearing, Infant Massage, and More

Although today was supposed to be the Use Nurturing Touch blog carnival, we are going to push it back one month and combine it with next month’s carnival on Ensuring Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally. If you’ve already submitted your carnival post on nurturing touch, rest assured that it will make it into next month’s carnival post. If you’re here looking for information on using nurturing touch including babywearing, infant massage, and more, fear not for I have compiled a list of links for you to peruse.

Use Nurturing Touch – One of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting
Babies are born with urgent and intense needs and depend completely on others to meet them. Nurturing touch helps meet a baby’s need for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation and movement. Parents who choose a nurturing approach to physical interactions with their children promote development of healthy attachments. Even as children get older their need to stay connected through touch remains strong.
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Take Ten: How 10 minutes can make you a better parent.

As a mother who is tuned in to her baby’s or child’s needs, and seeks to meet those needs in a prompt and loving manner, it is easy to put yourself last. Raising a child is an act of devotion, and it is so common to forget that taking care of yourself is an important step in nurturing your children. Stress, tension, and lack of focus can make mothering to your best potential a difficult task. It is essential to take time to relax and refresh. After pouring our hearts, souls, time, and patience into little ones we all deserve a nice hour-long massage and an uninterrupted four-hour nap. For most of us, there just isn’t time or resources to enjoy these kinds of relaxation. But these ten mini-refreshers can help you stay grounded, focused, and refreshed so that you can parent at your best. I know how important downtime is to a parent, so you’ll pleased to know that these refreshers are broken down into manageable 10 minute sessions (leaving plenty of time to attend to laundry, cleaning, and your to-do list). Every mom or dad can find 10 minutes in his or her day. Especially when my son was a newborn, my husband was hungry for opportunities to help out. So the next time your kids are at school, or napping, or your partner is available for 10 minutes, try one of these stress-busters. Continue reading “Take Ten: How 10 minutes can make you a better parent.”

Use Nurturing Touch Blog Carnival Deadline is This Friday

The fourth installment of the 2010 Attachment Parenting International Principles of Parenting Blog Carnivals is quickly approaching. This month’s blog carnival will focus on API’s 4th Principle of Parenting – Use Nurturing Touch – and the submission deadline is this Friday, May 14, 2010.

Here is an excerpt from API’s 4th Principle of Parenting:

Touch meets a baby’s needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.

To submit a post for the Use Nurturing Touch Blog Carnival, please use the API Speaks Contact Form. Also review the blog carnival details to ensure that your post has the required text.

21 Creative Projects with Kids

Getting creative with our kids offers so many benefits: presence with them, a creative outlet for all of us, and fun crafts to play with, wear, or display. So I’ve put together a list of 21 creative projects to do with toddlers on up. I hope you have as much fun with them as we have.

Dance party with kids’ music or adult songs. Do this with your family in your living room or as a playgroup and have other parents bring two of their favorite songs.
Glue stuff. Get construction paper and glue sticks. You can make piles of yarn, metal confetti, tissue paper, glitter, construction paper shapes, or anything else you can think of.
Make maracas out of coffee cans or yogurt containers. Have child fill with pinto beans or lentils. Duct tape top on. Glue or tape construction paper on the outside. Kids can decorate with markers or crayons.
Learn how to make new colors. Get tempera paint and let child tell you what colors to mix to see what yellow and red make or blue and white.
Marker faux tie dye. Let child draw on t-shirt with sharpie markers. When child is done, spray rubbing alcohol onto marker decorations. After alcohol dries, put shirt into hot dryer to set marker. Then you can run t-shirt through washer and dryer.
Bake. Your child can pour in ingredients after you measure them. S/he can tell you what ingredient to put in next, stir, and put muffin cups into tins.
Make your own playdoh. Check out recipes here.
Cut. Hold construction paper up and let child use scissors two-handed and cut. Scissors that make patterns and cut with special edging are a real treat.
Stamp. Using stamps with stamp pads is fun because it makes pictures toddlers don’t have the skills to draw themselves yet. Be sure to get washable ink pads.
Gloop. Mix 1 cup cornstarch with small amount of water. If it’s too runny then add more cornstarch. Use a shower curtain liner, do it outside, or give kids gloop in a dry bathtub. The gloop is liquid or solid depending upon whether you let it run or squish it. It’s great for tactile exploration.
Have an instrument parade. Put all your instruments out and march around the house playing different instruments. Trade to new instruments on each round or periodically.
Popsicle stick puppets. Cut out animals or people or other shapes and glue to popsicle sticks. Then have puppets talk to each other.
Play dress up. Wear hats or outfits then pretend to be someone else or that you are yourself being a firefighter, princess, builder, drummer, etc.
Easel painting. You and your child can both have brushes. S/he may ask you to draw shapes, building, animals, etc. Then s/he can color it in.
Play with shaving cream. Spray shaving cream on a cookie sheet with a rim or a nonstick 9 x 13 pan and give to child to spread around.
Cardboard box vehicles or buildings. Take a big cardboard box and cut out windows or paint the outside. You can make a house, a train, a firetruck, a cave.
Lunch bag puppets. Paint or draw on outside of lunch bags and make into puppets.
Homemade cards using construction or card stock paper. You can write the quote or message and have your child draw or glue to decorate.
Play with felt. Make a felt board by gluing a big piece of felt onto cardboard or other stiffer surface. Cut out felt shapes and then child can stick felt shapes onto felt board.
Bubble bath dress up. Child can put on bubble beards or put bubbles in hair to make mohawks or anything else. Hold up mirror for child to see him/herself.
Make up stories. You can start it or let your child start the story. Ask, “And then what happened?” to keep the story going.

What are some of your favorite ways to get creative with your kids? Many added in their comments that having a fish tank helps to do the learn responsibility if you want to try this check out this live rock for sale online

Sonya Fehér blogs at mamaTRUE: parenting as practice about parenting, spirituality, and divorce.

Fehér