Engage in Nighttime Parenting – Page 12

The latest research in nurturing touch, breastsleeping and babywearing

What do you get when you bring together Dr. James McKenna, Dr. Kersten Moberg, Dr. Ann Bigelow, Dr. Henrik Norholt, Dr. Charles Price and Dr. Raylene Phillips?

You get the latest research on skin-to-skin, oxytocin, “breastsleeping,” bedsharing and all things babywearing presented at the first annual Bond Conference in New York City — which I was privileged to attend.

Here is some of the research I found to be most interesting:

Nurturing Touch

Infants are born with immature brains and therefore need skin-to-skin and tactile stimulation for their brains to grow.
Skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding are the means whereby the immature-term infant continues gestation outside the womb.
Skin-to-skin promotes oxytocin release in mom and is shown to improve breastfeeding rates and improve bonding with baby.
With elective cesareans, no oxytocin is released. Thus, it needs to be compensated for through skin-to-skin, massage, babywearing and breastfeeding. While Pitocin injections are used to bring on labor, it is very different to natural oxytocin because it only affects the uterus and does not affect the brain, which would lead to the feel good feelings and bonding.
Oxytocin release is especially critical in the early days and months. If it’s missing, such as in the Ukrainian orphans that were studied, it is much harder to form secure attachments later on. When mom and baby get close after birth, there is an oxytocin release — they feel good, because dopamine is being activated; they see this happening in the context of the other; and with repeated exposure, this trains the sympathetic nervous system to expect the same response, which leads to a secure attachment.
Prolonged exposure to oxytocin has long-term positive effects of reduced risk of stroke and many other illnesses.
Some women naturally have lower oxytocin levels. But the good news is that it can be compensated for with skin-to-skin, massage and breastfeeding.
Nerve reflexes of the skin trigger an oxytocin release. If triggered very early on, it will have lifelong effects. The front side of the body has extra sensory nerves with the chest being most sensitive.
Skin-to-skin could be used as a possible alternative treatment to depression. Mothers with skin-to-skin contact reported fewer depressive symptoms in the first few postpartum weeks.

Safe Sleep

The further babies get from mom (non-bedsharers or solitary sleepers in separate room), the fewer feeds there are. Bedsharing babies nurse or “snack” more, because breastmilk is digested faster.
Bedsharing and breastfeeding are positively correlated. Dr. McKenna suggests the term “breastsleeping,” as there is no such thing as an infant — only the mother-infant dyad — so there is no solitary sleeping and breastfeeding: only breastsleeping.
Approximately 70% of new parents were found to bedshare at least occasionally. This would equate to 2.5-2.9 million mothers if the study were representative of the larger population.
Bedsharing in the absence of other hazards was significantly protective for infants older than 3 months.
At age 6, babies who bedshared had increased cognitive capacities. Babies who cosleep and get more touch and reassurance become happier and less fearful toddlers who make friends easier and are cognitively more advanced. Then they become less fearful and more optimistic adolescents who trust their own judgment. As adults, they become parents mimicking their own experiences with their own children.

Responding with Sensitivity

Infants as young as 3 months are aware that their behaviors’ impact others. When mom does not respond to baby, the infant increases vocalizations to get mom’s attention.
Increasingly, orthopedists are seeing more hip issues. They believe this is because of widespread swaddling. The latest recommendation is to leave hips loose until baby is 3 months old. If a baby’s hip does become dislocated and is not treated by 6 months of age, the hip may need surgical intervention for proper development. Lot of skin issues can be sorted by using discoid eczema treatment but sometimes yu may need ortho help.
Parents should also be mindful of baby’s hip development when choosing a baby carrier. In the baby’s first 6 weeks of life, the joints are very loose and the hips should not be forced into extension. Side-carrying positions are ideal for proper hip development. After 6 months of age, the position doesn’t matter that much.

This is all such reassuring information, because it backs up what I intuitively did with my first child before I even found Attachment Parenting and what Attachment Parenting International promotes for all children and families.

With continued research from these and other medical and scientific professionals as well as parents providing support to other parents, Attachment Parenting practices like babywearing, keeping babies close by holding them, ensuring safe sleep by keeping babies and children close at night, and extended breastfeeding will become the new norm. This is at least my hope for all the children out there and what I strive to promote in my community.

Attachment through books

Editor’s note: May is Get Caught Reading Month. Reading is a shared interest among many Attachment Parenting (AP) families as we all like to be well-informed when making decisions that affect our parent-child relationships. Reading can also serve as an easy way to strengthen attachment bonds.

Reading has always been a central part of my life.

One of my first purchases after learning I was pregnant with my first child was a bunch of board books for my baby. When he was born and I was nursing him, I would often read aloud to him from whatever book I was reading at the time from RIC Publications . I knew that although he couldn’t understand the words, it was a wonderful way for him to hear my voice as much as possible.

Books help me connect more deeply with my children. Through reading books about superheroes, I’m able to be involved with topics that interest them. Having a child sitting in my lap for story time is also a great source of physical connection. Both my 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son love to sit in my lap so much that they often compete over who gets the coveted spot of the middle of Mommy’s lap.

Every now and then, when it’s been a very active day and it seems that I’m getting constant requests from each of my 3 children at the same time, pulling out some books about the american dream helps us relax and focus. It often feels like the first time I’ve sat down for the day, and it’s what they need to settle down as well.

To encourage a love of reading, we make frequent trips to the library and are always rotating our selection of books. We keep our books low on the bookcase where my kids can reach them, and we have a special table space for our piles of library books.

I also make sure that my children see me reading often. At bedtime, my 4- and 6-year-olds like me to be in their bedroom as they fall asleep. They don’t want me to sing or talk to them — they just want my presence in the room. So most nights, I’ll take a book with me to read to myself after we read their bedtime stories. It’s this way that I make time for something that’s important to me, that helps me relax and feel like I’m having a bit of time to myself, while also meeting my children’s needs.

My oldest son will now sometimes read to me or to his siblings. I love that everyone in the family is able to use books and reading as a way to deepen our connection with one another.

Looking for a New Book?

While there are many wonderful books and other resources available to support AP parents, Attachment Parenting International (API) recommends that all families own a copy of Attached at the Heart by API Cofounders Lysa Parker & Barbara Nicholson.

There are also many books in the online API Store that may be great additions to your home library.

Letting go of what you “should” do

Editor’s note: Welcome to APtly Said’s celebration of mothers! This year’s theme for Mother’s Day is “Life Lessons” as Attachment Parenting International (API) celebrates with an inspiring series from May 7-11. We hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day and were able to reflect on what you’ve learned through your motherhood journey.

The greatest lesson I’ve learned from Attachment Parenting (AP) is to question all assumptions. I was parented fairly traditionally, and reading about AP when I was pregnant helped me let go of certain ideas about where and when a baby should sleep, how a baby should be fed, and how a child should be disciplined.

Redefining these ideas is wonderful — and familiar to most AP families. To me, though, following API’s Eight Principles of Parenting taught me to examine standard practices and ask, Does this really work best for my family? Does my kid really need to share her sand toys with this stranger at the park? Will my preschooler starve if she doesn’t eat her dinner? Does my toddler actually need to wear pants right now? Is any of this really worth a power struggle and a tantrum, or will my child and I be just fine if I let her keep doing her thing right now?

I often hear friends who sleep-trained claim that parents who are against cry-it-out methods are simply blessed with good sleepers. If there’s follow-up to this comment, my husband and I are too busy laughing to hear it. We were blessed with a daughter who, at 2-1/2 years old, announced that she is nocturnal — and we didn’t doubt for a second that she knew exactly what she was talking about!

At 7 months, she figured out she could fight our efforts to put her to sleep and decided that sleeping from about 8 pm-midnight was sufficient. For days, she would wake around 12 am and would not go back down until 3 am. I nursed her, we walked her, we drove endlessly around the block…but nothing was putting her to sleep. Nothing worked.

Finally, we gave her what she wanted — playtime! About an hour later, she crawled in bed next to me and went to sleep. After a couple nights of this pattern, she was back to mostly sleeping through the night.

When I gave in to my child’s natural sleep pattern, we both ended up getting more sleep than we had been — and without a power struggle. For this to happen, though, I had to let go of some preconceived notions about parenting, such as that a baby needs to sleep in a crib and that babies must be pushed toward adult sleep patterns. AP explicitly told me I could question the assumption regarding baby sleep, and led me to a place where I could question another, regarding discipline — that I didn’t need to try to coerce my daughter to sleep.

Three and a half years into my parenting journey, I have certainly faced a lot of difficult moments, but I have learned to ask myself, Does this have to be hard, or do I just have to let go of something? It’s amazing how often it is the latter.

5 lessons learned about Attachment Parenting after a cesarean birth

Editor’s note: April is Cesarean Awareness Month, an observance of the International Cesarean Awareness Network designed to reduce unnecessary cesareans, advocate for VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and help women heal from the sometimes-difficult emotions surrounding a cesarean birth. While Attachment Parenting International (API) promotes childbirth options with the least interventions, we also recognize that there are certain situations that necessitate interventions. What is most important is that parents research all of their options to be able to make an informed decision:

Sometimes, moms who know during pregnancy that they want to practice Attachment Parenting worry that it will be more difficult or impossible after a cesarean birth. But as with any birth experience, the first few days or weeks don’t define your relationship with your child. Attachment is an ongoing process.

Practicing Attachment Parenting after a cesarean may be a slightly different experience than after a vaginal delivery, but it is still absolutely possible.

From my personal experience, I have learned the following 5 lessons of Attachment Parenting following a cesarean birth:

Breastfeeding — It’s a myth that you can’t breastfeed after a cesarean or that it’s always harder for the baby to start breastfeeding. My 2 cesarean babies were champion nursers in the recovery room. But, in some cases, it may take a little more time to get started. Sometimes it takes more time for the milk to come in, and it may be more difficult to find a comfortable nursing position. The football hold is one of the best positions for a mom who has just had a cesarean, as it keeps the pressure away from the incision area. In any situation, a challenging start to nursing doesn’t mean that one can’t successfully breastfeed long-term, and with help and support, most moms certainly can breastfeed after a cesarean.
Babywearing — In the first few weeks after a cesarean, babywearing is difficult, if not impossible, because many carriers will put too much pressure on the mom’s abdomen. Even having the baby positioned higher up on mom’s body for too long can lead to some internal discomfort later in the day. So, it may be best to wait on babywearing, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen at all! Missing out on wearing my son soon after birth didn’t affect our future babywearing, which we did comfortably until he started crawling and no longer wanted to be contained. In fact, I wore him so frequently over those months that it was difficult for me emotionally to realize that this chapter of our relationship was ending.
Cosleeping — It was also possible for us to cosleep after the cesarean. It was actually easier that way than having my son in a crib, because it wasn’t possible for me to bend down and lift him out. The only concern was to be sure that the baby’s feet weren’t going to kick or bump the incision area.
Preparing for a family-centered cesarean — In some situations, moms know in advance that they’re having a cesarean. In this case, moms can try to make it a more positive experience by looking into a family-centered, or gentle, cesarean. This looks different for every family, but it may include having the cesarean performed slowly with the baby walked out gently, having one arm unrestrained in order to hold the baby as early as possible, playing music in the operating room, having the screen lowered at the time of delivery, and breastfeeding in the operating or recovery room. When I learned that my third baby was breech and that I’d be having a repeat cesarean instead of the VBAC I desired, I created a gentle cesarean birth plan, which helped me take control of my birth experience.
Negative birth experience — In some cases, a cesarean is not what a mom wants. She may be unhappy with the way events progressed during her labor or with interventions she didn’t want. She may feel that she didn’t have enough control over her body. Women are sometimes even told that they shouldn’t care that the birth didn’t go as planned, because all that really matters is that the baby is healthy. It is important to acknowledge that negative feelings about any birth experience can sometimes make it more difficult for a new mom to bond with her baby, and what a new mom in this situation often needs is support. Support comes in many forms. It may be from friends and family, from your local API leader and API Support Group, from a postpartum doula or a medical professional. But even moms who are unhappy with their births or suffer from postpartum depression after the birth can successfully bond and parent in an attached, connected way throughout the child’s life.

Additional API Resources on Gentle Cesarean Births

API’s First Principle of Parenting: Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

Personal stories on APtly Said, API’s blog:

— “A special door“

— “I took back control of my cesarean”

Professional insight on The Attached Family, API’s online magazine:

— “What Goes Into a Family-Centered Cesarean Birth Plan“

— “What to Do When a Cesarean Becomes Necessary“

Editor’s pick: 6 evolved needs for healthy human development

“…we have forgotten that we are social mammals with specific evolved needs from birth.” ~ Darcia Narvaez, PhD, Notre Dame Psychologist, member of Attachment Parenting International‘s Board of Directors

The Attachment Parenting approach can be regarded as parenting guided by nature’s lead — being attuned to our own feelings and instincts as well as our child’s needs, such as following our natural instincts to breastfeed, respond to a crying baby and provide ample physical contact to a developing human baby.

Psychologist Darcia Narvaez has been conducting research on moral cognition, moral development and moral character. On her blog, Moral Landscapes at Psychology Today, she often writes about raising healthy, happy children and parenting. In her writing, she examines the importance of parenting practices that match up with our evolved needs. Narvaez refers to the Evolved Developmental Niche (EDN) as the early “nest” that humans inherit from their ancestors, which matches up with the maturation schedule of the child, emphasizing 6 components:

Naturalistic perinatal experiences
Responsiveness to a baby’s needs including sensitivity to the signals of the baby before the baby cries
Constant physical presence with plenty of affectionate
Extensive breastfeeding
Playful interactions with caregivers and friends
A community of affectionate, mindful caregivers.

These evolved needs align with Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting.

This week’s featured article is a recent study featured in a report by WSBT Television and soon to be published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Science. The study by Narvaes and colleagues Lijuan Wang and Ying Cheng shows that childhood experiences that match with human evolved needs lead to better outcomes in adulthood.

In the study, adults reflected on the EDN in their childhood. The findings point out that children with parents who were affectionate, sensitive and playful developed into happier and healthier adults with better mental health — feeling less depressed and anxious — and better social capacity.

According to Narvaez, one of the reasons that the well-being of children in the United States lags behind that of children in other advanced nations is because “we have forgotten that we are social mammals with specific evolved needs from birth.”

Young children’s needs and wants often get confused or misunderstood. Perhaps, with a clear understanding of the distinction between the two — needs versus wants — it may be easier for some to realize and accept the importance of meeting early childhood needs. Babies need — not merely want:

Their parents to respond when they cry at night.
Physical contact — to be held and get a lot of affection.
Their parents to be mindful and responsive.
To interact and play with their caregivers.

It is reassuring that, increasingly, scientific research shows what our instincts already know: Children need attachment, affection and sensitivity to thrive.

Learn more about how to discern between needs and wants with our infants and children with these API audio recordings — each just $9:

“Needs vs Wants: How to fulfill a child’s needs yet discern his wants in a way that preserves healthy attachment” with William Sears, MD

“How Much is Enough? Attachment Parenting, permissive parenting and overindulgence” with Jean Illsley Clarke, PhD, CFLE

Why does Attachment Parenting need a label?

We are working toward a day when Attachment Parenting won’t need a label — it will just be parenting.

But as of now, the parenting practices that are based on Attachment Theory, and the ever-growing body of research informed by it, are not well known by the general public. In addition, certain cultural forces are still pointing parents in the wrong direction about what our kids need for healthy development.

Anything that is good can be taken to an unhealthy extreme — which is why Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting includes balance — and when some parents get into a competitive or judgemental mindset, they can offend and alienate others who would benefit from the the information and support that API strives to provide. That’s why local API Leaders are trained to model and encourage respect and empathy with our children, ourselves and others.

Sadly, there are many children who are not securely attached to their parents. Their parents are doing the best they can with the information and resources they have. What they need is information and better support. And so we are here — and here is Attachment Parenting International.

Please consider donating $5 to API’s Spread the Love campaign.

Surrendering to biologically normal toddler sleep

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists. … Surrender is the simple, but profound, wisdom of yielding to, rather than, opposing the flow of life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle, author

No other concept has helped me more as a mother than the concept of surrender — surrendering to the pregnancy process, to the birth process with all its twists and turns, to meeting my daughter where she is at each developmental stage and, overall, just surrendering daily to all the big and small changes that parenthood brings!

So when an article about giving a small child 1 “pass” to leave their room at night was making the rounds around the parenting cyber-world a few weeks ago, it got me thinking of how much it helped me to not pick sleep as a battle and to instead, surrender to my daughter’s needs and rhythm.

It should be said that I am not a fan of behaviorism! I don’t think trying to get my child to change a behavior without first trying to figure out why they are behaving in that way is effective or caring. I felt immediately frustrated after reading the article: It stated that crying and coming out of the bedroom were reduced to 0% rates after imposing the 1-pass rule. But I want to know, at what cost? If my child is following the 1-pass rule, they would still have the same needs — they would merely be trained not to communicate them to me, similar to sleep-training methods for babies. My toddler still might be anxious, she still might need the closeness of an adult body and, for heaven’s sake, what if she already used the pass and then actually had to pee! This 1-pass rule teaches children to ignore their emotional and physical needs.

I’d rather be asking myself:

Why is my toddler coming to me for water, snuggles or to help fight off the monsters?
What is the underlying need that makes it so hard for her to stay in bed?
Why do babies and toddlers wake up so much?
Why do so many of my friends’ children have these same “sleep problems?”
And wait, why are we calling them “sleep problems” at all when the vast majority of babies don’t “sleep through the night” and the vast majority of toddlers struggle to go and stay asleep on their own?

What if what our child wants is actually what they need? And how would things change if we learned that this behavior is biologically normal? Because according to many psychologists, anthropologists and researchers, it is. Would we be more open to surrender to their normal biological needs and rhythms and give our kids what they’re asking for?

I don’t want to oversimplify the difficulty of adapting to wake-ups and tending to our children at night — it’s a huge change, and lack of sleep affects our bodies, minds and emotions so much. And I don’t want to call out desperate parents just trying to cope. If a family feels that this is what is needed for their family as a whole to survive, then do what you need to do. I just feel wary of the growing culture of “sleep experts” and pediatricians encouraging us to train our babies and toddlers to not call out for us at night as the default strategy for handling nighttime parenting.

This is what makes me the most sad — that behaviorism techniques are becoming the standard method, so much so that parents think that they are being manipulated or being too soft if they do normal and natural things like respond to their children, sleep with them or use so-called “crutches” like rocking, bouncing or breastfeeding. On a parenting forum I’m a part of, a new mother recently asked if it was bad to nurse her baby to sleep! This is how much this training culture has permeated our culture. Breastmilk has sleep-inducing hormones in it — it is made to put our children to sleep!

Surrendering, of course, will look different from family to family, but the knowledge of what is healthy and normal sleep for our children could hopefully give parents more confidence to follow their natural nurturing instincts. Then there wouldn’t be this overall pressure to control, fix or make our children conform to an adult standard. We could get creative about how to meet their nighttime needs, instead of placing the majority of the burden on them to meet our unrealistic expectations. Maybe if we accepted this behavior as normal instead of viewing it as problem, we could relax into their natural rhythm and flow and let go of the sleep battle altogether.

*Artwork by Katie M Berggren, www.KmBerggren.com (permission given)

9 tips to help your child sleep

“Just one more hug goodnight.”

“I’m hungry.”

“I’m thirsty.”

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

Bedtime can be a long process for many parents. At the end of the day, we are all tired, right? Well at least the parents are!

All you want to do is put your child to bed and have everyone get to sleep without a fuss. Many times, it isn’t that simple.

Nighttime is perhaps one of the most relaxing times of day in our home. But it wasn’t always. My kids use to constantly try to finagle their way into obtaining more time to stay awake. My 7 year old would look for every excuse, then my 4 year old would say that she needed to go to the bathroom even though she already went, and my 1 year old would start crying and want to breastfeed again. You can also click here for more information.

If your kid has sleep apnea, it’s better to get cpap parts online, so you don’t have to look for them around town and get them shipped to your house, to help your kid sleep better.

Finally, I implemented some relaxation techniques, and now our routine runs smoothly with everyone going to sleep easily. Here are 9 tips I’ve learned to help my older children sleep:

Give your children a warm bath.
Use guided meditation to help your children unwind and relax. Use relaxing stories about the beach, and practice breathing in with the waves and out with the waves. There are some wonderful guided mediation options on YouTube if you prefer to let your child listen to someone else, or you can use your own voice to take their mind on a relaxing journey filled with imagery and deep breathing.
Use coconut oil and give your children a foot massage. Massages are a wonderful way to unwind and relax.
Play spa music on a CD in their room. The serene music will help their mind drift off and allow your children to sleep much faster.
Many children like a night light. We use a Himalayan salt lamp, which not only purifies the air and reduces electro-magnetic field radiation, but it has a very relaxing light color that looks like warm fire tone that promotes sleep.
Use room-darkening shades. This will help your child sleep longer and avoid any lights coming in the room. It will also help them to sleep longer in the morning instead of waking up as soon as the sun rises.
Put warm socks on your children’s feet. I use a towel warmer, and after the kids are tucked into bed, I put warm socks on their feet to help them relax.
Consider buying an air purifier. Jen has some researched suggestions, she manually reviewed air purifiers for smoke and has loads to say about the benefits of a quality air purifier. It is always easier to sleep when you breathe cleaner, air but the sound from the purifier can help children sleep.
Make sure that your child has a good quality mattress from https://www.migliorimaterassionline.com/, not many know that your bed plays a big role when it comes to sleep.