I recently came across a parenting message board from a fairly prestigious college in California, USA. I had never visited the site before, and I was very interested to see how such an intellectual group of people addressed the parenting topic of sleep. The advice was fair. It was supportive, friendly, educated, and it was very much Attachment Parenting (AP). But as I read on, I became overwhelmed by the amount of input on the subject. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “All of this advice is over-the-top. What ever happened to intuition?” Sleep Editor Carrie Kerr continues on The Attached Family online magazine at Stripping the Layers of Advice.
Category: General Interest
What is Misbehavior?
“Children don’t misbehave, they simply behave to get their needs met.”
This quote comes from Dr. Thomas Gordon, but other psychologists and parent educators have said the same thing. Dr. Jane Nelsen devotes a whole section of her book, Positive Discipline, as well as lessons in her parenting classes to understanding children’s mistaken goals of behavior. The underlying concept is that behaviors like crying, whining, tantrums, lying, hitting, destroying property, etc. all stem from a child’s unmet need. There is something that child is needing that they’re not getting, so they behave in a way to try to meet those needs. Dr. Nelsen calls them “Mistaken Goals” because the child is often mistaken about how to behave in a way to meet their need
Last week, I saw a lady set a full cup of iced coffee next to her on the bench near where her 1-year-old daughter was toddling around. The little girl kept going over to it and picking it up, wanting to turn it over. The mom continually called her “naughty” and asked if she needed a time-out. If this mother understood the relationship between needs and behavior, she’d know that her daughter was not being naughty and that a time-out won’t solve anything. At one year old, this child’s need is to explore her environment using all of her senses; she is not misbehaving, she’s doing exactly what a one-year-old needs to do.
We all behave in ways to get what we need. If I need something to eat, I’ll go to the kitchen and make myself some food. If need some order in my life, I’ll clean my house. If I need a renewed sense of community, I’ll turn on my sociability as I make an effort to connect with friends and neighbors. If I’m feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, I might subconsciously distance myself from others as I attempt to carve out some alone time for myself (if I don’t realize what I need), or I might just say, “Hey, I need some alone time,” (if I do).
Continue reading “What is Misbehavior?”
The Link Between Breastfeeding and Mental Health
A study published in the April 2010 issue of The Journal of Pediatrics by The Western Australian Pregnancy Cohort (Raine) Study suggests that breastfeeding may have a positive effect on children’s and adolescents’ mental health. A paper that appeared in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry listed children’s mental health as one of the six priority areas in need of attention to improve the health and development of children and adolescents across the globe. At a time when 10 to 20% of children worldwide suffer from emotional or behavioral problems, a possible solution as simple as breastfeeding is one that could prove both attainable and powerful. Feeding Editor Kathleen Mitchell-Askar reports on The Attached Family online magazine at The Link Between Breastfeeding and Mental Health.
This week on The Attached Family
The Importance of Making Mistakes
So often, as parents, we try to prevent our kids from making mistakes. We issue warnings, reach out to help, or just do a job ourselves because we don’t want the hassle of fixing a mistake like a spill, fall, or ill-thought decision. But making mistakes is valuable and necessary for a child’s learning and development of self-confidence. How we handle mistakes can teach children that challenges are either threats to be avoided, or that they can be opportunities to learn and develop strong mastery skills. American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett explains on The Attached Family online magazine at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2766
State of the World’s Mothers: More Qualified Health Care Workers Needed Worldwide
For women in our culture, pregnancy and childbirth represent a joyous time: enjoying a growing belly, fantasizing about how the baby will look, shopping for tiny layettes, and taking prenatal yoga classes. But for many women in developing countries, pregnancy and childbirth are risky and sometimes fatal for both mother and newborn. Pregnancy & Birth Editor Kathleen Mitchell-Askar continues this The Attached Family online magazine article at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2762
OTHER FEATURE ARTICLES:
The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment Research in Family Courts by American psychologist Peter Haiman
Spotlight On: Balboa Baby
Embracing Positive Discipline’s Challenges, Routines for Preschoolers, and The “See One, Teach One, Do One” Approach to Teaching by American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett
Teens and Sex from an Attachment Perspective by Israeli parenting educator Shoshana Hayman
Respectful Potty Training, When Daddy Goes Away, and What to Do When Children Demean Each Other by American parenting educator Naomi Aldort
How to Respond to the Most Frustrating Phrases Kids Say and Why It’s Important to Help Children Make Friends by editor Rita Brhel
The 3rd Step in Responding with Sensitivity by American parenting educator Dottie Stone Coleman
Healing Birth, The Second Time Around by American mother Heather Spergel
The Delicate Balance of Parenthood by American child development specialist Megan Kunze
Children Talking to Adults
My two and a half year old Jacob is very friendly. It could be because he’s my second child, and so he has benefited from my more relaxed parenting this time around as well as being doted on by his adoring older sister. It could be because he’s a Leo, the sign of nobility. It could be because I’ve never discouraged him from greeting friends and strangers alike. Or it could just be who he naturally is. But whatever the reason, Jacob takes it upon himself to personally greet every person he meets in his day-to-day life.
On the playground, for example, he often walks up to other children and introduces himself. It sounds something like, “Hi! I named Jacob!” His words are clear to me, but not everyone may understand what he’s saying or who he’s addressing. And so, often, other people ignore his efforts to strike up a conversation. I find it more than a little disheartening, quiet honestly, especially when the person ignoring him is another parent of a toddler. I can’t imagine that I would meet with the same reaction, if I walked up and introduced myself.
Luckily, Jacob is totally unfazed when people ignore him. He just introduces himself a few more times, until finally some notice is given. Or if that doesn’t happen, he moves on to the next person, and often meets with better results. It doesn’t occur to him, at his age, to wonder why someone isn’t paying attention to him. It doesn’t appear to lead him to doubt himself or question his place in the world.
Jacob and his big sister Hannah explore the park
But as I watch my son go out and try to make friends with limited success, I reflect on what it’s showing me about the way we view children in our society. The truth is that children are not accorded the same kind of respect as adults. We don’t feel that it’s necessary to give them our attention in the same way. We don’t offer them the same kind of space to express themselves, and we don’t value what they have to say. Sometimes, even if we’re parents ourselves. Sometimes, even if they’re our own children.
One of Attachment Parenting International’s guiding principles is responding to our children with sensitivity. For older children, this includes showing an interest in what they’re doing. I have to confess that I don’t always do this as well as I could. I’m not always the best at getting down and engaging my children on their level. And sometimes I don’t hear them myself, when they’re talking to me and my attention is elsewhere.
I’m constantly striving to improve, though. I’m working hard to respond sensitively, and to provide my children with a safe and supportive environment to explore. And so I stand back and watch as they strike up conversations with children and adults at the park. I let them navigate social interactions on their own as long as they’re safe and happy. And I hope that other people will respond to them with the same sensitivity that I strive to display for all children. Because, really, every child deserves that.
Have you ever had the experience of watching other adults ignore your child? What was that like for you? And how do you respond when it happens?
The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment Research in Family Courts
An enormous amount of exceedingly important, valid, and reliable research on child development has been published in the last half century. Unfortunately, very little of this information has been presented in an appropriate and useful manner to the pediatricians, family therapists, parents, judges, and attorneys who could benefit from it. As a result, many children do not receive the protection they deserve. American psychologist Peter Earnest Haiman explains on The Attached Family online magazine:
The 3rd Step in Responding with Sensitivity
Whatever their age, every interaction with our children — every word, every response, every look — has the potential to build up their self-confidence and self-esteem, or tear it down. Likewise, every behavior of our own in which we model self-confidence, respectful self-expression, and responsible self-care and self-advocacy has the power to encourage and build those kinds of behaviors in them. All eight of Attachment Parenting International’s Principles of Parenting contribute significantly to building self-confidence and empowerment in our children of every age. That said, let’s look at a few examples of Responding with Sensitivity — examples of beautiful parenting sure to promote the traits we so hope to see developing in our children. American parenting educator Dottie Stone Coleman continues on The Attached Family online magazine:
A Look at Your Discipline Style
I lead a meeting for the S. Austin Attachment Parenting chapter this morning on finding your discipline style. So often parents talk about what they don’t want to do: spank, shame, do what their parents did, etc. Figuring out what they do want to do is harder, especially when they didn’t have good models.
Before looking at any specific discipline strategies or techniques, it’s worth considering both where we’re coming from and where we’d like to go. Feel free to answer any of the questions in comments or just do it privately as a way of increasing your awareness about your own history and goals.
- How were you disciplined as a child?
- How did you react/feel when being disciplined?
- What would you like to do the same or differently?
- What are your goals for disciplining your child(ren)?
- What discipline issues are coming up in your household these days?
- What is causing discipline conflicts
- child (temperament, developmental level, tired/hungry, etc) or
- you (need to feel in control, unnecessary or unreasonable demand, disrespectful delivery, punitive approach, etc)?
- What are your triggers? How do you express your feelings and cope with frustrations?
- What are you doing well as a disciplinarian?
- What do you wish you were doing differently?
What other questions would you add to this list?