Strive for Balance – Page 26

Striving After Balance

The eighth principle of Attachment Parenting International is Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life.

I like this principle, because it recognizes that everyone’s needs matter in a family, including the parents. Obviously, at certain times one person’s needs will be more urgent than others, like a newborn’s need to breastfeed. You just can’t tell a 3-day-old baby that you’ll be with him or her in 10 minutes. But all the same, whatever your life looks like right now, you can strive to recognize your needs and find ways to meet them.

This all sounds very warm and fuzzy, but I’ll admit I often find the word “balance” somewhat loaded. When I already have too much on my plate, striving for balance can feel like just one more obligation on my to-do list. It’s right up there with “file my taxes” and “take my cat to the vet”. These things are important, but so is everything else on my list. Adding another item to the pile is the last thing I need.

And yet, I am not the best mom I can be when I don’t strive for balance. I become short-tempered and irate. I don’t have the mental or physical energy to really get down on my kids’ level and engage with them in the way I would like to. As difficult as striving for balance can feel, it’s also clearly necessary to my well-being. I need to take my own needs into account, enlist some help, and get out and do something just for myself. And then I need to come back home and figure out how things ended up so out-of-balance in the first place.

That last bit – figuring out the source of the imbalance – is the hard part for me. But I think it may be the most important part. If I don’t correct those underlying issues that are making my life unmanageable, then anything else that I do will be a band-aid solution.

So how do I deal with those underlying issues? Lately, I’ve been comparing my personal priorities with the way that I actually spend my time. I’ve found the two don’t always agree. I may say, for example, that writing and spending time with my family are important to me. But in practice, I spend more time playing around on the internet than I spend talking to my husband. When I look at my life that way, it’s no wonder it feels out-of-balance. I’m not doing the things that really matter to me. By making small, gradual adjustments here and there, I can bring my daily existence more in line with the life I actually want to live.

No matter what I do, though, striving for balance is an ongoing process. Just as the name suggests, equilibrium is something to seek after, it is not something to attain. Just as soon as you think you have attained it, things change. That is the nature of parenting, after all – children grow and families re-balance. I just want to make sure that I’m able to reasonably meet my own needs in the process.

What about you? How do you strive after balance in your life? And what does “balance” mean to you? Please share!

The Practice of Attachment Parenting

There are days when I think to myself, “I shouldn’t call what I do attachment parenting – because quite honestly, today was anything but.”

I never thought of attachment parenting with any interest until about a year ago, right after Bella was born. Before that, I just knew I didn’t want to spank or hit, and wanted to treat my child with respect and dignity. I fell in love with babywearing along the way, and extended breastfeeding happened because it became a joy after the horrible months of reflux and colic in her infancy.

I began to find myself drawn into the attachment line of thinking once I knew I was going to be able to be a stay at home mom. I have always had a passion for working with children, from being a nanny to teaching – I would read constantly about how to be a better caregiver and educator. So it was only natural to start to think of motherhood in that way, and to decide what kind of a mother I wanted to be on a daily/hourly basis.
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I’m Spreading My Germs

It has been an interesting and germ-filled week in my house. My daughter started running a fever last Sunday night and by Wednesday she was feeling miserable. She kept coughing on me and I reminded her that she should cover her mouth when she coughs. The following is a quick recap of the conversation we then had:

Ava – “I can’t cover my mouth, I’m trying to spread my germs.”
Me – “Why are you trying to spread your germs? You’re just going to get me sick.”
Ava – “I don’t want to be sick anymore so I’m spreading my germs.”

I paused trying to figure out exactly what her little 7 year-old brain was thinking then it clicked.

Me – “Ava, if you spread your germs it doesn’t make your sickness go away but it could make someone else sick.”
Ava – “Ohhhhh….”

On Thursday morning I woke up to a fever and cough of my own and Ava still felt horrible. She realized that spreading her germs didn’t help her it only made me sick. However, she found the good in the situation when she exclaimed “Now we can cuddle all we want since we’re both sick.”

Yes my sweet little girl, now we can cuddle all we want. *cough cough*

avagerms — Ava resting her head on my lap.

Listening

On the way to Playschool the other morning, I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw tears sliding down my 21-month-old’s cheeks.

“Ruby, what’s wrong, honey?” I asked, concerned and surprised – she’d been talking excitedly all morning about visiting her friends at school, where she spends two mornings a week.

“Oww, mama,” she said, tapping her nose with her forefinger, her eyes welling up even more. She’d just gotten over a nasty cold that had kept her out of school for a full week.

We pulled into the drop-off at school, and my daughter’s favorite teacher was waiting to take her inside. Ruby started really crying as I unbuckled her. “Oh, she’ll be fine,” her teacher smiled at me. “We can handle it!”

“I’m sure you can,” I smiled back, “but let me have a minute with her.”

I held Ruby tight and looked in her eyes.

“Ruby, do you really not feel good?”

“No, mama.” (sniff, sniff)

“Do you want to go to school today?”

“No.” (sniff)

“Do you just need to come home with mama?”

“Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.” (nod sniff nod sniff)

In a split second, I mentally ticked through all my work plans for the morning – and then brushed them away. When it comes right down to it, there’s just not a thing more important than doing what my daughter needs. So home we went, much to the consternation of Ruby’s teachers. I think they thought I was “giving in” to her, or “spoiling” her. But I like to think I just chose to listen to my child. My daughter, who, just like all of us, has her very own needs and emotions, her good days and bad days. I know her well enough to know when she is truly upset and uncomfortable, and when she needs a break. Whatever the reason, she very clearly did not want to be at school that day.

When I was growing up, my parents occasionally let me take what they called “mental health days” when I got too stressed out about school. That time away was invaluable to me, an over-achiever who worried too much from a very young age. I remember those days so clearly, how they’d help me calm down, re-focus, and feel more connected to whichever parent I spent that day with.

I want my daughter to be able to have those kinds of days. I want her to trust that I will listen to her and take her seriously. That when she has an emotional need, I’ll do everything I can to meet it. I think part of my job as a parent is knowing her well enough to see those cues, to know when “My nose hurts” actually means “I need some time with you.” So that morning, instead of working as I’d planned, I cuddled with my daughter. We read books, ate snacks, and danced to her “silly music.” And truly? That time together was more valuable than anything else I could have been doing.

Has there been a time when truly listening to your child changed your plans or your approach to a certain situation?

I’m Bored

I know I must have used that little phrase a few times when I was young but I honestly can’t remember. I remember one time being in the house while it was raining, I was about 9 or 10 years old and I remember feeling bored. Strange isn’t it? Strange that I can actually remember an “I’m bored” moment.

Why wasn’t I bored? Well. For one we had a television off and on throughout my growing up but more off than on and when we did have it we watched a movie or educational show occasionally, we didn’t have cable or anything. I didn’t play video games. I remember when I was 12 or so someone gave us an old Playstation and Mario Bros and we played that sometimes, but since we weren’t in the habit, it mostly sat there and collected dust.My mom got a computer and we did educational games and some of our school on it, but it was fairly limited while my mother plays some casino games on the computer meanwhile. A lot of it was self-limitation. Why? Because we weren’t in the habit. As a grown-up, in free time. I also like to have stuff like my mom play poker games on the computer, but in today’s technology rather than playing games on the computer, you can play real poker at top online casino malaysia as well as earn money, and kill your boredom,. But while kids, games were pretty different. so here we go. There was some boredom games.

My siblings and I played outside. We helped my mom bake. We had chores. Yes. Chores. I think that they may have been the best thing that ever happened to us. We were responsible for animals and gardening and things that were important to our family. My parents really instilled in us that the things we did were important, that they helped the family function and because of that we took pride in doing our part. Sure, sometimes we complained and didn’t want to do it. It’s not like we were angelic or anything. But for the most part we felt good about ourselves when we were helping out.

When it looked like boredom or arguing was setting in my mom would always say “well there are a list of things that need to be done…”, we figured out that we weren’t quite that bored very quickly or sometimes we would accept a “chore.” Why? Because we didn’t want to be bored.

It helped that I watched my parents doing the same thing. My dad was always doing projects and chores and even doing some of the cooking and laundry etc. My mom was always knitting something or learning something or doing something with us and the animals as well as doing things like starting a local drama club or running parts of our local fair. It kept them content. It kept us content. Boredom was just not an option.

To this day, thanks to my parents, every time I am “bored” I am able to motivate and find something to do, either a project or a chore that will keep my mind or my hands busy. I hope that I am able to instill this in my son. I hope that by demonstration and to a large degree eliminating artificial outward stimulants in his life that he will come to find that he is a creative and productive person that is essential to this family. Not because I say so, but because he is.

Drowning in Motherhood: Three Survival Skills

A family member used the phrase “drowning in motherhood” last week to describe her life with a newborn and a toddler. I remember so many days just a few years ago of my own fierce determination mixed with immeasurable joy and overwhelming exhaustion that left me drowning in motherhood.

As a former lifeguard and 8-1/2 year veteran of motherhood, I compiled my top three survival skills to share with new moms who may find themselves in over their heads.

Survival Skill #1: Relax and Submit to Your New Reality

I recently researched an indoor swimming facility for my three young girls to escape this long, dreary winter. I learned that the swim instructors teach a “rollover” technique to children as young as four months. When a submerged child rolls into their back instead of kicking and fighting for the surface, the air in their lungs creates enough buoyancy to bring their head above water.

Motherhood is like that, too. When we learn to relax and give in a little, the stress and struggle of mothering eases up. Maybe the house is a mess and you’ve served canned soup and grilled cheese for the third time this week. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of mothering. Sit back, put your feet up and catch your breath.

Survival Skill #2: Find Your Life Preserver

Getting your head above water is only the first step; now you need some help staying afloat. When you first become a mom, it’s common and so easy to become isolated from your former world. Your past relationships and lifestyle may not fit any longer; and that’s okay. But motherhood is a lot more difficult if you put yourself in solitary confinement.

You’ve got to reach out and find new connections to help you through this part of your journey. Consider joining a play group, striking up a conversation with other moms at the park, or enrolling your little ones in a cooperative preschool or Mother’s Time Out program. You will learn so much about parenting and child development, and hopefully, you will start lasting friendships based on the commonality of motherhood.

If you are parenting with a spouse or partner, tether yourself together during this time. Losing your connection to the person you love most is not only possible, it’s common during the first year of parenting. It’s true that your relationship will never be the same, but with a lot of work and communication, you will build yourselves an unsinkable lifeboat.

Survival Secret #3: Count Your Blessings

How many times have you exclaimed, “Thank God!” after pulling through a harrowing experience? It may sound cliché, but learning to appreciate what you have each day will give you the strength to endure whatever comes your way.

Last week, I received the staggering news that a friend’s 12-year-old daughter had died suddenly after a mild illness. It is a tragedy like this that causes you to shift your priorities. In my case, it reminded me of the first few weeks after my second baby was born. I was struggling to care for a 2-year-old and a newborn. And then came a phone call that changed my life forever. A teenage family member was hospitalized in the intensive care unit because of kidney failure.

From that moment on, I cherished the dark, quiet hours at night when I fed and rocked my baby girl. I was still tired, but no longer frustrated or overwhelmed. I understood then, and now, that I am blessed and make sure my children know every day how much they are loved. After many surgeries and weeks in the hospital, my family member survived. The lesson I learned from her struggle remains.

My second daughter is now six years old. She crawled into my bed last weekend in the wee hours of the night. She was feverish and wanted to sleep with me. I snuggled close to her and listened while she drifted off to sleep. I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer of gratitude. And when – two hours later – my two-year-old daughter padded in wordlessly and climbed into bed on the other side of me, I repeated the ritual.

The Food Battle

It is raging. You know what I am talking about: the toddler food battle. My mom keeps quoting someone that she read (and I honestly would tell you who it is but she doesn’t remember, and it is paraphrased I am sure): “Any child worth his salt will put up a fight.” Well, my son is worth his weight in salt. Most of us could probably say that about our toddlers.

I am not a restaurant. I am not planning on becoming one either. I also don’t want my child to be someone who eats at someone’s house and refuses to eat anything or doesn’t eat a healthy variety. Now, on the other hand the picky eating of toddlers is not all their fault. They are super sensitive to both texture and taste which sometimes makes it completely maddening to try and feed my mini man.

We’re working on striking a balance with the Berryman Frozen Fruit. I feed him a breakfast that I am as sure as I possibly can be that he will eat though he sometimes refuses the fruit that I serve with breakfast. Right now his current favorites are flapjacks and oatmeal and occasionally an omelette. OK. Sometimes he refuses and we have an early lunch. My caloric intake is just about double of what he takes, which is probably because I take a scoop of Mindzymes supplements right before I work out.

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Lunch is a bit trickier but I’ve found that quesadillas with some hiden shredded or chunked chicken will work, usually I try to use whole wheat tortillas. Macs n’ cheese, I have found some great corn macaroni and use real cheese. Whole wheat pigs in a blanket. And then there is the good ol’ pbj. Bananas, he’ll eat bananas and apples sometimes as well, I’ve tried every berry in the book and the occasional strawberry or grapes.

Dinner is tricky. I like to eat adult food. He does not. I am also not a restaurant and there are quite a few foods that we eat and are good for him that my son can eat but doesn’t. So now what? I do offer one other choice that we are serving, he doesn’t have to eat the peas but I will offer another slice of bread etc. But then it’s done. I will offer something like yogurt or cheese, something I choose sometime before bed. There isn’t a discussion about it, I offer because I don’t want him to go to bed hungry.

Snacks. Right now they are the children’s Clif bars. Yeah, I would love to say that I am making the snacks, but he isn’t eating what I make as snacks for the most part, so there ya go. There are some battles that just aren’t worth fighting.

I am holding out for the day where his taste palate expands somewhat until then we’ll keep walking the fine line between letting my little dude know that he can’t order from me like a restaurant but also that he eats as healthy as possible on a regular basis.

That, and I give him a good fruit and veggie based supplement.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/polishfoodinfo/4146917212/

Interview Series: Amber Strocel

Today we are excited to introduce another API Speaks blogger to you. Amber is a mother of two and hails from Vancouver! Read on to learn about her tips for successful relationships (she and her husband have been together for 20 years!), her big venture to help people live intentionally, and how she balances it all.

Tell us about your family.

I am married to my husband of almost 10 years, Jon. We met in high school – we will celebrate 20 years together this May. Which is a long time, considering that we’re still in our mid-30s. We have two children – Hannah will turn 6 in February, and Jacob is 2 1/2. We live in suburban Vancouver, BC. Right now, Jon is working for a local television station, and I’m working from home.

I am amazed that you and Jon have been together for 20 years! What has been important in maintaining that relationship? You have obviously gone through a lot of seasons of life together already! I am so intrigued by the ways that an AP parenting style translates to marriage. How do you and Jon balance parenting?

I think the most important thing in maintaining a relationship is flexibility and openness to change. Jon and I are very different people now than we were in 1991 when we started dating as teenagers. We have accepted that change and growth is part of being together, and we embrace it.
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