Provide Consistent & Loving Care – Page 26

If Spanking Does Not Work in the Long-Term, Why Start Spanking at All?

Kieran 1 Hypothetically speaking, let’s pretend there is a parenting practice with the following attributes:

while it usually results in immediate compliance, it is generally ineffective in modifying longer-term behavior (it is even ineffective from hour to hour or day to day);
it causes strain on the parent/child relationship; and
it can only be used for a few years of the child’s life, outside of those few years it is totally ineffective and/or inappropriate.

What, exactly, is attractive about that? Yes, there is that immediate compliance, but if the parenting practice doesn’t even result in changed behavior an hour later, why waste the effort?

Why not try something that actually works?

Part of the post “Undermining General Beliefs About Corporal Punishment” has stuck with me since I read it during the Carnival of Gentle Discipline. In the post, the author discussed the arbitrary lines drawn between “spanking” and “abuse,” as well as the rationales given for corporal punishment.

The part I keep coming back to is the general consensus that there is an age range in which it is “appropriate” to spank. According to the “experts” (and the spanking parents who discuss these things online), you should not spank babies younger than about 15-18 months, and you should not spank children past the age of 7 years. (1)

If you know that the “solution” of spanking is only a short-term “fix,” why do it at all? If spanking is one of your parenting tools, you will eventually have to toss it out of your toolbox. What will you do after it is no longer appropriate to threaten your child physically?

How will you relate to your kids when the threat of spanking no longer hangs over their heads?

Even if we ignore the many negative long-term effects of spanking, it simply makes no sense to rely on a method of discipline that will only work for a few short years. “Lasting authority cannot be based on fear[,]” so where will your authority lie after your children no longer fear your hand or your belt? (2)

Instead of creating a parent/child relationship based on fear and mistrust – as spanking often does – it is healthier and more effective in the long run to create a relationship based on trust and respect. Gentle discipline and playful parenting techniques are healthy and effective tools that work from toddlerhood through the teenage years.

What’s more, those few years that parents are “allowed” to spank are also the years that our children are forming lasting mental impressions of us.

Would you rather your child form an impression of trust, or of fear?

_______________________

(1) I choose not to link to any of these “experts” or discussion boards because I do not want to contribute to their traffic/Pagerank. If you’re interested, I’m sure you can find several sites to this effect on Google.
(2) Ask Dr. Sears, “10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child”

Time for Friends

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Last night I got a glimpse of my parenting future.

Elia was out with friends riding bikes around the neighborhood. We had worked out a plan as to where she could go, and what time to be home, but it was nevertheless HARD to send her out there with only her friends for guidance. Fast forward about 10 years and substitute the bikes with cars, the neighborhood with the whole city, the playgrounds with cool hangout spots, and the elementary school friends with high school friends.

Right now, this custom of hanging out with friends is new to both her and I, and I’m not sure I’m feeling entirely welcoming. OK, I know I’m not. I am just not in love with the new position of importance friends have taken in her life. I don’t love that when she sees friends riding their bikes outside or playing at the playground across the street, there is suddenly someone more important than me. When she hears voices outside, she will fervently jump up from the couch, out of the crook of my arm, abandoning our book in mid-sentence, the words spilling out of her mouth, “Can I go play with my friends?”

Oh.

As her life begins to shift from “mom-is-my-everything” to…well, “mom-is-not-my-everything”, she has new preferences and new interests. I am seeing her friends’ mannerisms, quirks, voices, and word choices in her. Their influence is visible, which is quite a shift from up until now, only seeing my own influence in her.

As she is still young, this is just the beginning of The Age of Friends but I’m well aware that over the years, friends will take more precedence in both my children’s lives. And the changes are permanent! We’ll never go back to the days when Elia’s needs were so simple (easy? not at all…but simple, yes). Our days are no longer about cuddling, reading, sleeping, eating & exploring the wonders of life together. Our relationship will never go back to me being her everything anymore.

Gordon Neufeld’s book, Hold On To Your Kids has new meaning for me now. I read the book and loved it when my kids were infants; it is one of 4 books that I consider to be “cornerstones” for positive parenting. Now, as Elia gets older, it becomes more difficult to Hold On, and this has honestly taken me by surprise! When she was little, I felt so securely attached, so genuinely connected to her. I couldn’t imagine one of us without the other. Now that she has friends in her life, the Hold I have is weakening. I see a future in which Elia and I don’t snuggle every chance we get, and she doesn’t want me to read to her anymore. One in which she prefers to go places and do things by herself, and she doesn’t need me to hold her hand. One in which she has more in common with her friends than she does with me, and prefers their company to mine.

Now is when AP becomes more of an effort for me. The infant techniques were very instinctual, whereas now that friends are entering the picture, I have to find new ways to Hold On. We’ve had family meetings to discuss concerns about spending time with friends and to work out a plan to set some guidelines on friend-time, family-time, and alone-time. I’m polishing my “How to Talk” skills as daily conversations become an important means to maintaining connection. I seek out opportunities to put my arms around her, my hands on her skin, my fingers in her hair. And, probably most importantly, I listen. I listen without judgment using words such as “Hmm”, “Oh yeah?”, “Wow”, “Interesting”, “You did?”, “Uh-huh”, “Ah-ha”, and “That sounds ___.”

And I have to trust that that’s enough to Hold On! I’m not entirely comfortable with this current shift in dynamics and the impending presence of friends in my daughter’s life, but I think our family’s relationships and our new roles in them will reestablish themselves soon. In the meantime, I have a renewed appreciation for these last moments of my kids’ early years. I am going to cuddle them as often as I can and hold them tight, for although experienced parents have warned me, I am now, more than ever, realizing that this opportunity certainly doesn’t last.

Kelly is an API Leader and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor in Portland, Oregon. She blogs at Parenting From Scratch.

Healthy boundaries

At our home there is a continual rotation of people. We have interns in and out pretty much all year round. Most of these people are temporary, staying anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months with us. Just recently we had a young man, the brother of my brother in law, stay with us for a prolonged period of time. He recently left for school. He and my son had been quite close. My son had not shown much distress in the first couple of days or weeks of this young man leaving. In truth I thought he had pretty much forgotten all about him. Turns out I was in for a bit of a shock. A week ago we went to pick up a few new interns. When I returned home with them my son started asking for this young man. He quickly escalated from asking for him and then crying for him; very soon he was in a state of semi-hysteria. I was shocked. He was inconsolable. I ended up calling the young man on the phone and having my son talk to him. That did the trick. He calmed down and hasn’t asked for him since.

All this time I did not know that my son was dealing with grief in some way. I have spent this last week coming up with ways that my son is able to interact with the interns that are in our home and sharing our lives and yet creating healthy and firm boundaries.

My son is not at an age where he can understand why people are coming and going but I am able to create an atmosphere in which he can learn to attach himself to people and yet do so in a way that when they leave it will not bring on the large amounts of grief demonstrated earlier this week.

One of the biggest difficulties I have experienced with the interns is that they want to become close with my child even though they will not be staying for a long period of time. They want something more than just friendliness from my son. They want a firm attachment. I have recently had to step up and remind these young people that they will not be staying and that for the sake of my son it is good for them to be friendly and to enjoy each other but to create a deep bond is not with my child is not what they are here for. People love for children to be affectionate and most people even like it when a child expresses distress when they leave even though that child is not theirs, not realizing that their gratification is costing that child.

My job as I see it this summer is to help my son create healthy boundaries with people while still enjoying their company.

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.

Photo from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vizzzual-dot-com/2226095398/

Baby Top Ten List: What your baby is really trying to tell you

Ah, if only all our mothering moments could look like this. Perhaps it's best if we choose to remember these images of babyhood and not the less happy ones? — Ah, if only all of our parenting moments could look like this. Perhaps it's best if we choose to remember these images of babyhood and not the less happy ones?

Falling in love with your baby is easy, taking care of a fussy baby… not so easy. All that crying really is your baby’s way of communicating. Now, what on earth is he or she trying to say? And why didn’t anyone warn you about this before you had children? Don’t be tempted to call it colic just yet. You can discover what is wrong.

As a first-time mom, I wrote these instructions for my husband so I could take a break. He was always able to figure out our babies’ cries by using this as a checklist. Once your baby is on a consistent routine, you will eliminate a lot of crying and fussiness by meeting needs before they become urgent. In the meantime – if you’re at your wits end – take a deep breath and try each of these until you find the right one.

Ten things your baby is trying to tell you:

Change my position. Or change your position; stand, bounce or sway. (While back sleeping may be considered safest, many babies are uncomfortable sleeping on their backs. Research other safe sleeping positions for fussy babies.)
Burp me. Try different positions, not just on your shoulder.
Feed me. If I’m really hungry, I may resist a bottle at first. And if I’m usually breastfed, I may not take kindly to a bottle. Be gentle but persistent. It also helps to use a wide-mouth bottle with a medium or fast flow. (Fussy babies are often fussy because we are unable to digest cow’s milk in any form; whether in mom’s diet passed through the breast milk or in dairy-based formula… please try eliminating cow’s milk.)
Talk to me and sing to me. Let me know you love me.
Help me sleep. If I won’t look you in the eye, I may be really tired. Take me to a dark, quiet room and rock me to sleep.
Hold me in the “pooping position.” When I’m semi-reclined in your lap, gently push my knees to my chest or rub my belly. Gas drops or Gripe Water may help relieve gas pains.
Check my diaper. Cloth diapers may need to be changed more often than disposables, but disposables are more likely to irritate the skin. If diaper rash is severe and not related to a food allergy; try switching to cloth.
See if I’m too hot or too cold. I probably don’t need a hat, jacket, booties and mittens inside the house.
Swaddle me. I feel more secure when I’m wrapped snug in a blanket.
Hold me. It’s what I love most, and I even produce growth hormones when held. Carry me in a sling or other carrier to make both of us happy.

You will know when you’ve been stricken with baby love. Your heart melts at the sight of one tiny grin and the weight of the world seems to lift at the sound of a contented baby sigh. Caring for a baby is exhausting, sometimes frustrating work, but baby love is fierce … and can inspire you to accomplish anything you can imagine. Keep up the great work, you really can do this, and all these challenging stages will pass long before you are ready to give them up.

Do you have a consistent routine yet? At the very least, get up at the same time every morning and go to bed at the same time every night. You can ease a fussy baby simply by giving them a consistent, loving environment. Crying generally boils down to three basic needs: FOOD, SLEEP and COMFORT. The top ten list addresses all these needs.

Mom Dare: Your challenge this week is to make sure you are meeting your own three basic needs. Are you eating healthy meals at regular intervals, sleeping whenever possible and depending upon someone close to you for moral, spiritual and physical support? Taking care of yourself is the best defense against the frustrations of parenting. So take three things off of your To-Do List and pencil in a nap, a healthy meal and time with someone you love instead.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 7. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. Visit her at www.babylovecarebook.com.

Spring Mini Series Installment #3 – De-moralizing mom

I will start with a direct quote from Babywise because when I read it I actually had to re-read it several times to make sure that I had read it correctly. I quote from page 150 of Babywise “Mother’s decision without assessment can be dangerous… They should not be driven by their emotions.”

It isn’t only Babywise that erodes the confidence of mothers but culture as a whole. We start as soon as a mother gets pregnant; she must be seen by a birth specialist (OB) so that they can be told what to do and when to do it because mothers can not trust their bodies and they can’t trust their emotions. It just gets worse.

When a mother goes to birth her child she is (normally) told when, many times she is induced, then she is not trusted to be able to “handle” things so she is “assisted.”

Because her confidence has been completely demolished, “good” mothers pick up a book to read to assist us with raising a child, not knowing that we are going to wrap our eager hands around is something that is going to demoralize us even more by telling us, in a nutshell, that we are over-emotional and not trustworthy.

Now I know that many of us learn very helpful things from books and from other people but I do believe that there is no replacement for the mothering mind and there is definitely no replacement for the mothering emotions. The statement that mothers must assess all of their actions because they may be “dangerous” is demoralizing. What is dangerous is demoralizing a mother, eroding her foundations and ignoring her emotions.

The real danger is not the mother. We, as mothers, have housed and protected our children from the beginning and will continue to house, nourish and grow them up throughout childhood. Then, when they’re adults, we’ll be a shelter that continues to be emotional confidence and stability for our children.

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/proimos/3524157411/

Take Care of Yourself and Your Kids at the Same Time

I started this year with the intention of learning how to be happy and how to take care of myself. At the time, I didn’t know I was getting a divorce or about to experience all of the changes and challenges that go along with it.

One of the major questions in this divorce is that I’m a SAH AP Mama and our son is not ready for preschool. He’s three and a half and a sweet, sensitive boy who has friends and goes to playdates, but doesn’t like big groups or a lot of noise. That means Cavanaugh and I are together most of the time.

My husband being out of the house means that the pretty intensive practice of attachment parenting just got a lot more intense, so the need for self-care is more important than ever.

So, one of my major questions has been how to engage in self care when I’m with my son.

Here are our top ten:

Take deep breaths. When we’ve been running errands, it’s near the end of the day and energy is low, Cavanaugh’s hungry or sleepy, I’m feeling impatient, or any other circumstance you can name where just taking a minute is advisable, sometimes I remember to take deep breaths. Cavanaugh takes them with me. He’ll even suggest we take them occasionally.
Go for a walk with the jogging stroller. I get exercise. He gets adventure. If he doesn’t want to be in the stroller, he can run alongside it. On the way back from the park the other day, he ran along yelling, “Hi grass. Hi roly poly. Hi garden.” Endorphins. Oxygen. Nature.
Vacuum. Cavanaugh gets his popper and I get my vacuum and we have races, bump into each other and get the living room clean.
Create something. It’s so easy to think my creativity has to take a backseat to mothering. Doing beadwork or crochet doesn’t work together right now, but Cavanaugh loves to paint with me. He tells me what shapes to make and then he colors them in. Or he draws things and tells me a story about what they are. Pretty soon, we have characters, a scene, and a whole plot going. It might not be the poem I would have written on my own, but it uses the same part of me.
Chase a ball. Our favorite new game is the basketball hoop for toddlers with a small bouncy ball and throw it to each other than chase it. We get super silly, exercise, time outside, and play time together.
Go out for a treat. Whether it’s the bagel shop for lunch or the coffee shop for a latte and chocolate milk, sitting across the table from each other in the middle of the day somewhere outside our house means we have conversations we don’t have any other time.
Play Online Games. You can play online games like casino, if you love gambling. When your kid asleep or at school spend some quality time with yourself by playing online casino games. If уоu hаvе gambled online thеn уоu know just hоw fun online casino games саn bе, whеthеr уоu win оr lose. Hоwеvеr, winning іn real casino online malaysia іѕ оnе оf thе best feelings іn thе world! If уоu аrе looking tо improve уоur casino game strategy ѕо thаt уоu саn beat thе odds аnd win big іn online casinos thеn уоu wіll need tо learn a fеw tips thаt wіll help уоu tо play уоur best іn уоur favorite online casino games. Mаnу people think thаt thе outcome оf gambling games іѕ based purely оn luck, but thіѕ іѕ nоt thе case. If уоu learn ѕоmе basic strategies уоu wіll ѕее уоu online casino winnings improve іn nо tіmе. Following аrе ѕоmе basic strategies thаt саn help уоu tо win thе popular casino games оf craps, blackjack, poker аnd slots.
Notice nature. We lie in the hammock and Cavanaugh drives his trains up my legs while I look at the trees. Eventually, he checks out the trees too. Or we go outside to say goodnight to the moon. Or we watch butterflies at the park or in our yard. Slowing down to just pay attention and be in nature centers us both.
Sing. Sing a narrative of what you’re doing: “We’re walking up the stairs to look for Pigeon. We hope we can find him there.” Cavanaugh sings too. It’s like a musical with conversation in song.
Drink water. We both get our glasses and drink at the same time, big delicious gulps of icy cold water. We pick up our cups and drink together again. We both drink more this way and it feels like a game.
Read with Cavanaugh before he goes to sleep and then lie in the bed after he’s asleep and read a book for me.

Sonya Fehér blogs about parenting, divorce, self care, and spirituality at mamaTRUE: parenting as practice

Sticking Up for Your Child

I am going to take a little Babywise vs AP blogging break and talk a bit about something that touched very close to home this past weekend though the incident(s) were not a one time thing but something that seems to happen fairly often in my new parenting life.

People seem to think that children are property of some sort that are just up for grabs or up to the discipline of anyone that randomly feels like stepping in and “parenting” for a moment. As you can tell I can be a little bitter about this topic. Maybe bitter isn’t the word for it. I am not bitter I just believe very firmly that the only people that should discipline a child is someone who is invested in that child’s life. When you are invested in a child’s life, when you love them, then you will discipline accordingly.

I have been in several frustrating situations regarding this issue. Just this past weekend it was actually a young girl who followed my son around and told him no or re-directed him every time he did anything for a while. I just remained silent and kept removing my son from the situation but it finally became apparent that I needed to do more. I calmly turned to the girl and told her that I appreciated her attempt to help but I that I was his mother and was watching him carefully and would be the one to discipline him if need be. Believe it or not my heart was pounding and I was nervous to say anything!
Continue reading “Sticking Up for Your Child”

Spring Mini Series Installment #2 – Baby Training and Sleep

My dad always used to say “dead man don’t need no sleep” and we would all laugh. We would laugh because we did not yet understand the depth of those words. Parenting is not a literal death but it is definitely dying to oneself in a whole new way and in hardly any other way is this more evident or more felt than in the sleep arena.

Sleep is a very hotly debated topic among parents and understandably so since of all the things in life after baby sleep is in short supply and emotions and exhaustion are running high. There is a line of thought that babies need to be trained to sleep that they are born with messed up sleep patterns that must be set straight by their parents so that they learn “healthy” sleeping habits. To sleep-deprived parental minds and bodies, nothing makes more sense than that. I mean how can it possibly be that waking every few hours is healthy? How can it be that someone can’t wait to eat until later? How can it be that day is a better time to sleep than night? And doesn’t it make sense that a baby must learn what is healthy and right? How else do they know to sleep when it is dark? Plus every other internal signal doesn’t seem to line up with ours and it has to some time, right? Continue reading “Spring Mini Series Installment #2 – Baby Training and Sleep”