Practice Positive Discipline – Page 31

The Food Battle

It is raging. You know what I am talking about: the toddler food battle. My mom keeps quoting someone that she read (and I honestly would tell you who it is but she doesn’t remember, and it is paraphrased I am sure): “Any child worth his salt will put up a fight.” Well, my son is worth his weight in salt. Most of us could probably say that about our toddlers.

I am not a restaurant. I am not planning on becoming one either. I also don’t want my child to be someone who eats at someone’s house and refuses to eat anything or doesn’t eat a healthy variety. Now, on the other hand the picky eating of toddlers is not all their fault. They are super sensitive to both texture and taste which sometimes makes it completely maddening to try and feed my mini man.

We’re working on striking a balance with the Berryman Frozen Fruit. I feed him a breakfast that I am as sure as I possibly can be that he will eat though he sometimes refuses the fruit that I serve with breakfast. Right now his current favorites are flapjacks and oatmeal and occasionally an omelette. OK. Sometimes he refuses and we have an early lunch. My caloric intake is just about double of what he takes, which is probably because I take a scoop of Mindzymes supplements right before I work out.

After eating food, If you often get headaches or feel sick then you may have a food intolerance that you do not know about. Carrying out food intolerance testing is the first step in feeling better as it enables you to identify the potential causes of your symptoms.

Food intolerance testing is simple, easy and not expensive. There are many companies on the market who offer food intolerance testing. We recommend to contact food intolerance test uk, they are highly professional people and they allow you to take a blood sample in the comfort of your own home and send it off for analysis.

Lunch is a bit trickier but I’ve found that quesadillas with some hiden shredded or chunked chicken will work, usually I try to use whole wheat tortillas. Macs n’ cheese, I have found some great corn macaroni and use real cheese. Whole wheat pigs in a blanket. And then there is the good ol’ pbj. Bananas, he’ll eat bananas and apples sometimes as well, I’ve tried every berry in the book and the occasional strawberry or grapes.

Dinner is tricky. I like to eat adult food. He does not. I am also not a restaurant and there are quite a few foods that we eat and are good for him that my son can eat but doesn’t. So now what? I do offer one other choice that we are serving, he doesn’t have to eat the peas but I will offer another slice of bread etc. But then it’s done. I will offer something like yogurt or cheese, something I choose sometime before bed. There isn’t a discussion about it, I offer because I don’t want him to go to bed hungry.

Snacks. Right now they are the children’s Clif bars. Yeah, I would love to say that I am making the snacks, but he isn’t eating what I make as snacks for the most part, so there ya go. There are some battles that just aren’t worth fighting.

I am holding out for the day where his taste palate expands somewhat until then we’ll keep walking the fine line between letting my little dude know that he can’t order from me like a restaurant but also that he eats as healthy as possible on a regular basis.

That, and I give him a good fruit and veggie based supplement.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/polishfoodinfo/4146917212/

Gentle Parenting Ideas Series: Shopping Trips

This post is the fourth in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, grocery shopping, diaper changes, and picking up toys. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.
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Ideas to Make Shopping a Positive Experience

Give Your Toddler Input: involve your toddler when you are creating your shopping list. Talk about the fruits, vegetables, grains, etc. you will need to make meals for the next few days. Let them decide what vegetables (or whatever) they want to eat. Use it as an opportunity to talk about healthy foods. If you don’t have time (or your toddler doesn’t have the desire) to plan ahead, let them make a few healthy choices at the store (or take them to a farmer’s market, where almost everything is healthy!).

Try Stickers: if your little one is dexterous enough to peel stickers off of a sheet, set them up with room to peel and stick onto a grocery store ad. You could make it similar to a game of BINGO – put a sticker on every item from the ad that you pass.

Scavenger Hunts and Treasure Maps: cut out pictures from the ad and hand them out – see who can help you find their items. If you really want to get fancy, you could make a map of your regular grocery store and laminate it. Then you could use a dry erase marker to write the items you need on the map for each shopping trip. Your toddler can help you find them using her “treasure map.”

Play the Quiet/Tiptoe Game: make a game out of who can use sign language/pantomime to communicate, who can whisper the longest, or who can walk on their tiptoes the longest.

Don’t Buy That!: one time when Kieran was in perpetual whiny “I want” mode, I started joking with him by saying “I do NOT want to buy that!” “Ew, let’s not buy that!” Soon he was giggling and playing along, pointing at different items and saying “don’t buy that mama!” We’ve played this game almost every shopping visit since then. I’d like to incorporate something about healthy choices into the game: “don’t buy chips, they aren’t healthy!”

Let Them Help: trust your toddler with certain responsibilities: putting items in the cart (model for them how to do it gently, but remember they probably will never be quite as gentle as you are), finding and putting fruit/vegetables in bags, holding the shopping list (use the opportunity to talk about letters if you’d like), etc.

Play I Spy: take turns “spying” different colors (“I spy something blue”), different materials (“I spy something made out of paper”), items for different rooms of the house (“I spy something that belongs in the bathroom”), and more.

Take Snacks: have you ever noticed that toddlers want whatever they see? Going into a grocery store without something to snack on can be a disaster waiting to happen. I try not to use food as a hush tactic or bribe, but in a grocery store it is almost necessary (for Kieran, anyway). A bag of trail mix or dried fruit can occupy little fingers for quite awhile.

Set Them Up for Success: what’s better – a rested toddler with food in her tummy at a relatively calm grocery store, or a tired and hungry toddler bewildered by the chaos during a store’s rush hour? When possible, set your toddler up for a successful shopping trip by going when your toddler and the store are at their best. For Kieran, that means I don’t shop when he’s tired (whining rapidly transitions into crying); and we always try to hit Costco when they have samples out (ha).

Play “What Doesn’t Belong”: if you have a short shopping list, talk to your child in advance about what you will be getting. Then grab one extra item that is not on your list. Help your toddler figure out which item does not belong in the cart before you put it on the counter.

Make It an Adventure: take your kids on a tropical (or safari or deep space) adventure. This works especially well when it’s time to leave the store and the toddler is resisting. For example, Kieran sometimes wants to hide under clothing racks when it’s time to go. Several times he has willingly (eagerly even) come with me when I say in an excited voice “Kieran, let’s go on a journey together! We have a long way to walk to the car, and I need your help chasing away the lions!”

Wear a Carrier: If you are able to wear your toddler, bring a carrier to the store with you. Lots of kiddos are content on a parent’s back where they wouldn’t be content in a shopping cart (I know! Kieran is one of them). If you thought babywearing was just for infants, think again! We love our ABC Carrier and our Ergo – at 31 lbs Kieran is still comfortable in a front or back carry, and he loves to go for a ride.

Shop Fast: when all else fails, don’t prolong the agony for yourself or your kids. Get in, get out, and get on with your day.

What ideas do you have to help make shopping a good experience? Please share them in the comments.

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This post has been edited from a previous version published at Code Name: Mama.

Interview Series: Kelly Bartlett

Today I have a real treat for you: an interview with API Speaks contributing blogger Kelly Bartlett! Kelly is the first of our bloggers who are opening up and answering questions. I’ve been reading API Speaks for a long time now and am so excited to get to know all the contributors better. Read on to find out more about Kelly, her journey to AP through a “high needs” baby, and more about her gorgeous family of 4.

Tell us about your family.

I grew up in Chicago and my husband, John, is from Whitefish, Montana. We met at St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN, and now we love living in beautiful Portland, Oregon. I was a high school biology teacher before our 2 kids were born and I stopped working to stay home with them full-time ever since. Our son JJ is 4 1/2 and our daughter Elia is 6, and they are complete opposites! The phases we went through with one we didn’t go through with the other, and vice versa. Between the two of them we are learning first-hand just how different kids can be.

With you from Illinois and your husband from Montana, how did you end up in Portland? I hear that it is a very pro-AP city, do you find that to be true?

We moved out here several years ago for John’s job, and this city has been a great fit for us in many ways…the most recent being our parenting journey. There are lots of AP families here, which is so nice. Just going out in public it’s not uncommon to see several breastfeeding and baby-wearing moms & dads, so it’s easy to meet like-minded parents, even when we’re not at an API meeting! Although I wouldn’t say the majority of Portland parents practice AP, I think it’s more common here than in other places I’ve lived.
Continue reading “Interview Series: Kelly Bartlett”

Empowering infants as people

So many of our parenting practices, I realize, have to do with treating our baby (6.5 months this week) like a full-fledged person, with the same rights and preferences as her parents. While it may seem weird to the masses, drawing harsh lines between adults and babies doesn’t give our babies enough credit.

For example, we practice Elimination Communication (EC). The philosophy underpinning this practice is that infants are aware – from birth – of their need to eliminate – and prefer to do so in a way that keeps them dry and comfortable, as do we. This understanding ultimately gave way to the stay-dry disposable diaper, but a much simpler solution is available. We simply monitor our child carefully for signs of needing to eliminate, as we would for signs of hunger. Thus, dd gets to go to the potty, just like her parents do.

Another example – sleeping in a real bed alongside family members. One might argue that asking a baby to spend the night alone is asking them to be mature beyond their years. Personally, I don’t enjoy spending the night alone, and I’m in my 30s. Why should my newborn have to do it?

Another way we resist infantiaizing our infant is baby-led weaning. While many of her peers are being fed bland “enriched” rice cereal and mashed foods, our baby is making choices between the foods her parents are eating, within reason. We acknowledge dd’s limited capacity to chew by providing foods that are soft enough for her to manage – roasted vegetables, hummus and fruits. For me to tell her she needs to consume – much less finish – a food that I wouldn’t touch seems absurd.

Finally, there’s discipline. Who decided that little people have less right to dignity than their elders? This idea is so dominant that I find myself retraining myself and dd’s caretakers – not to tell her to stop crying (it’s our job to soothe and assist, not repress), not to tell her what to say, even in the context of learning essentials like basic vocab or please and thank you, etc.

Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, but the benefits are enormous. In respecting my child’s dignity and humanness, I reaffirm my own. I find I have greater access to compassion as a result of these practices. And I have my daughter to thank for that.

The Absolute Child

I liked this analogy I read today…about thinking of a child’s behavior not in terms of “positive” or “negative”, but as an absolute.

:: The Absolute Value of Your Child ::

If you were forced to study algebra when you were a teenager, it probably didn’t occur to you that it would one day come in handy as a metaphor for unconditional love. But here it is…In mathematics, the “absolute value” of a number is its *magnitude* regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. So the numbers +50 and -50 have the same absolute value: 50.Likewise, practicing the Art of Unconditionality often means disregarding the negative interpretations of a condition or behavior and finding a way to see it in a positive light. For example:

* Whether your child says “I love you” or “I hate you,” you can appreciate the magnitude of her expressiveness and emotional honesty.

* Whether your child rebels or complies with your wishes, you can appreciate his absolute freedom of choice.

Today as you observe your child, if you see any “negative” behavior then ask yourself, “What is this telling me about the ‘absolute value’ of my child?”

~Scott Noellle

The Daily Groove

It may be kind of abstract, but it’s a good challenge for me: try to take away the negative connotation of my kids’ taxing behavior. Rather than get bogged down with what should be; how my child should behave, I can accept what is. If I can do that, I can see who my children are and focus on finding effective ways to help them succeed when their behavior is less than ideal. When I get caught up in the shoulds and should nots, I lose sight of my kids’ developmental capabilities and subsequent limitations, both emotionally and cognitively.

Even if their behavior is exemplary, it’s still intriguing to think about taking away that “positive” label and getting down to the absolute: who my child is. My child is thoughtful. My child is caring. My child notices when someone else is in distress and considers the reasons why. My child can also sit still through a meal in a restaurant and hold my hand in a parking lot. Is that “good” behavior? I know I sure appreciate it, but it’s no better than the behavior of my child lashing out verbally as a means of emotional expression. It just is. My children recognize their own feelings enough to know how to express them in an age-appropriate way.

All the behavior I’ve seen in my children has come into our lives in a timely manner (developmentally speaking), and it will depart just the same. In the meantime, I can disregard the Positive and Negative labels, and consider each “absolute” child. I can challenge myself to forget the shoulds and should nots, and just accept my children for who they are in every stage of their development!

Consequences or Solutions?

My latest parenting struggle concerns my son. He is nine, and is an absolute joy to be around! He is funny, intelligent, kind, and courteous. He’s the kid I can count on to do what I ask him to do, the first time I ask it. He doesn’t complain about his chores, he adores his little sister, and he does very well in school.

My son loves to read, and often reads in bed. As such, we allow him to self-regulate his bedtime. That is, he doesn’t have a specific lights out, as his sister does. He’s allowed to read in bed as long as he wants, and then be responsible to turn out his own light and go to sleep whenever he wants, provided he can get up in the morning.

This has never been a problem; the kid is always the first one awake!

However, my struggle regards the fact that he’s been falling asleep in his glasses. Continue reading “Consequences or Solutions?”

Liking My Spirited Child

I was browsing– okay, I fess up–I was googling the term “spirited child.” I immediately came up with some book advertisements and then with a few pages that explained what a spirited child was. My son is a “textbook” spirited child. The next few pages I came across were things like “taming your spirited child” and how to “cope” with having a spirited child, how to “survive.”

I am not big on always using positive words. I am actually somewhat of a self-proclaimed pessimist and don’t mind that I look at the glass and see it as half empty. I have had troubles with that before. Wishing I was more “positive” and “upbeat” but the truth is this is the way I am and if I am to embrace the way my son is and teach him how to embrace himself I will need to start by embracing myself. Fairly basic priniciple but easier said that done.

Now I understand how difficult it can be to have a spirited child. Though in some ways every child has their rough points. It is difficult to be a parent period. My son has had me in tears of frustration and exhaustion wondering if I was going to make it until bedtime only to find no relief because he wouldn’t sleep. If you have a spirited child, I don’t have to explain this to you. You are already nodding your head and going through your own personal lists.

I in no way think that I need to “tame” my child. He is not going to change. He is going to be spirited for the rest of his life. Thank goodness! He is never going to be boring! He is going to be a creative and passionate person. I would not want to take that away from him. I don’t need to survive raising him. We both have to find a way to embrace our life today and all the tomorrows that are coming.

Here are just a few things that I have learned about my spirited child and that have helped me to embrace him and have helped him to organize himself.

My son needs time to organize himself, I need to make that space and time for him. Since he is so disorganized he has had to learn discipline early, he has to discipline his mind and body, I can’t do that for him, but because of his age I have to help him identify his times of overload and help create the space he needs to organize himself.
It works best if I let him know everything that we will be doing and where everyone is. This is no small feat sometimes considering we live in a community and there are 13 people here. He doesn’t feel “right” when he doesn’t know or understand what is going on, it creates confusion.
My son can be loud and mean on occasion. This has to do with being a toddler but also has to do with him being spirited because he does not easily identify that he has hurt someone. This is not okay because no one wants to be around a child that is inconsiderate. I don’t want to be around a child that is inconsiderate! Appropriate discipline should be decided on before something happens because it is easy to become angry or frustrated with a spirited child. Discipline needs to happen immediately as a spirited child does not have a great attention span.
A spirited child definitely changes a household (all children do) but they do not need to rule the household. Adjusting schedules so that they get a good amount of sleep and are not too distracted to eat is important but it is also important to be able to flex a schedule a bit without having your child freak out and ruin your time. Planning favorite stops, or for us, favorite snacks or activities along the way works great, something along the lines of “We are going to the coffee shop. They have toys there. Won’t that be fun?” We limit our time there so that we don’t push him too far and then suggest that we head to Target and while we are there we will get a chocolate milk. We do not bend to demands but calmly repeat exactly what we said we would do before, “No book today honey. I told you we were getting a chocolate milk remember? We’re going to do that now.”

None of this guarantees that we won’t be pulling our hair out at the end of the night but they are a few things that I have found that work for us. I also have found that it is very important that I get a little “me” time, especially if we have had a rough week. It doesn’t have to be much but it is extremely necessary.

In conclusion, why is it important that we discuss our spirited children? Because we want to do more than love our little ones, we want to like them and want them to become likeable people.

Any other spirited children out there? What do you all do to handle difficult situations? How about everyday life?

10 Ways to Gently Respond When Children Say “I Can’t!”

Our son, Kieran, has been struggling with a bout of the “I cannot’s” lately.

“I cannot take my shirt off, you do it mama.”

“I cannot ride my scooter! I cannot!”

“I cannot glue the ribbon on.”

At first, I tried to isolate the problem:

Am I asking him to do too much? His “can’ts” are sometimes, but not always, in response to something I’ve asked him to do, so I don’t think they are the result of request overload or mere unwillingness. And they are usually in reference to a skill or activity that I know he can do, so they are not based on inability or even fear of failure.
Continue reading “10 Ways to Gently Respond When Children Say “I Can’t!””