Practice Positive Discipline – Page 28

The Man in The Yellow Hat Exemplifies Positive Discipline

A few of my parent friends have pointed out that as much as their kids enjoy watching the PBS show “Curious George”, George always gets into trouble (makes a mess, does something wrong, doesn’t stay where he’s supposed to, etc…) and nothing ever happens to him for it. He never gets punished or has a privilege taken away or a consequence imposed for his actions. This may bother some parents about “Curious George,” saying that the show is not setting a good example for kids about what what should happen in the face of misbehavior, but I happen to think it’s a great example for parents.

Curious George does exactly what he’s supposed to do for his age and development (and species)! By nature and by name, he is curious. He explores his world fully and completely. This is his job as a young, continually developing little person, er, monkey. This is why my kids love the show–they relate so well to George’s genuinely curious nature and all of the honest mistakes that ensue. But, as a parent, what I find most refreshing about “Curious George” is The Man in the Yellow Hat.

The Man in the Yellow Hat never punishes George for his mistakes. He is more concerned with solving the problem. The man helps George put things away, fix things that broke, apologize to people who were involved in any indiscretions, and generally restore order.

The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn’t force George to apologize. Of course, George can’t talk, so maybe that’s why! But George’s body language and expression, along with his cooperation in fixing the problem, is more meaningful than a forced “Sor-ry,” anyway. People can see his remorse and feel his desire to set things right again. George’s inability to speak provides an unwitting platform for making genuine apologies.

The Man in the Yellow Hat will give a heartfelt apology on George’s behalf. And when he does, the apologizee says it’s not necessary. The mistake has been fixed, and they enjoyed George’s authenticity–his curious nature–and appreciated his spirit. The characters in this show are understanding of George’s developmental capabilities.

The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn’t put fear into George. George is never afraid of what The Man will do or say to him when he finds out what happened while he was gone. George is able to present his problem to The Man and know that he will get help in return.

Now, if only The Man in the Yellow Hat would learn not to leave George unsupervised as often as he does…

Reframing the Yes Environment

Many moms and dads have heard of the “Yes” environment before; it’s popular advice for parents of babies and toddlers. When infants become mobile, we are advised to create an environment for them that is free of “No”s. We baby proof everything; put small and dangerous objects out of reach, cover up safety hazards, lock the cabinets, install gates, secure furniture to the wall, pad the sharp edges of tables and fireplace mantles, and put any and all valuables and destructive items safely away. We look for every opportunity to say “No,” to tell our babies that they need to stay away from something or to put something down, and we turn those “No”s into “Yes”es. This is a Yes Environment.

It is fantastic for our homes, but what about when we’re other places? We can take the principles of the Yes Environment and apply them to other situations. Here’s another perspective:

One mom’s 2-year-old son repeatedly throws his toy car on the ground as he rides in the cart at the grocery store, not because he is angry or upset, but simply because he thinks it is great fun. This mom says, “If I take it away because I need to grocery shop, isn’t that a punishment?”

What she is doing by holding onto the car is creating a yes environment while she shops. That is the best thing she can do to help her son succeed in not throwing his car.

When she is getting annoyed at constantly stopping to get the car (which is very valid), she can simply pick it up and put it in her bag without a word. If the toddler notices that she doesn’t give it back to him and he asks about it, she can tell him, “The car keeps falling down, so I’m going to hold it for now.” She’s not blaming or shaming him by telling him it’s his own fault he doesn’t have the car, or that “this is what happens when you act this way.” Just solving a temporary problem to get the shopping done smoothly.

Creating a yes environment is about setting a child up for success; about removing obstacles to success. In accompanying his mom through the grocery store, the obstacle to the little boy’s success is the entire combination of: the toy, his age, the setting, his need to experience things (here, the emotional, cognitive, and physical experience of repeatedly throwing the car down), and his complete lack of impulse control. By removing the car from that combination of factors, it’s not that she is “taking the car away”, so much as “eliminating an obstacle.” She is creating the opportunity for him to be successful. It’s a yes environment in the grocery cart.

Understanding this principle allows parents to use the yes environment tool in a variety of situations for kids of all ages. Removing obstacles to success is more effective than expecting children to navigate around obstacles when they are not developmentally capable of doing so.

A mom dashes to meet her preschooler and hold his hand as he nears the street…she’s created a yes environment. (The obstacle is the lack of safe guidance in the street. He is not capable of making thoughtful decisions about going in the street.)

A teacher rearranges her seating chart to separate talkative students…it’s a yes environment. (The obstacle is the distraction of fun, chatty friends nearby. They are not capable of controlling their impulse to talk to their friends.)

A dad clears the floor as his daughter launches into a sommersault…yes environment. (The obstacles are, well…the obstacles that are literally in her way. She’s not capable of maneuvering her body around them.)

A yes environment is a fantastic positive parenting tool at any age because it is proactive. It tells children, “I’m going to help you be successful with this.”

Today, let’s look for more ways to create yes environments for our kids. Even if they may not be toddlers anymore and we don’t need to baby proof their physical environment, we can still remove obstacles to their success. We can look for ways to turn “No”s into “Yes”es. We can help our kids be successful until they’re capable of doing it on their own.

AP and Spanking Don’t Mix

Many parents, even many of those who are focused on creating a secure attachment with their child, spank as a form of discipline. They may say things like…

“I only spank when….”

“I only spank after I’ve tried [XYZ] first.”

“Spanking is OK when it’s done [a certain way], but not [a certain other way].”

“We did attachment parenting when our kids were infants (past tense).”

“We follow AP, but believe in strong discipline for obedience.”

“We are AP, except for spanking.”

Attachment parenting is about raising children using parenting methods that strengthen relationships, foster empathy, and teach nonviolent communication. Spanking may elicit appropriate behavior in children, but it is a technique that, no matter how it is administered, does not support a secure attachment; it does not meet kids’ emotional needs, and it functions against the goals of AP (communication, connection).

Attachment parenting has no end date. It is not a stage or a phase, but a mindset. It’s a perspective that permeates the relationship between a parent and child and all of the interactions they have together. So, the parenting goals that AP moms and dads have when their kids are infants are the same goals they have when their kids are older; communication, connection, respectful relationships.

Just because children outgrow infanthood, doesn’t mean they outgrow those needs. And just because parents may be focused on teaching their kids appropriate behavior doesn’t mean they should ignore the principles that drew them to AP in the first place.

The goal of attachment parenting is connection, not obedience. There is simply no attachment-promoting way to spank.

There are, however, attachment-promoting ways to discipline; to teach children those necessary elements of behavioral limits, expectations, and accountability, while still prioritizing the parent-child relationship. Positive discipline accomplishes this. The tools of positive discipline fit well within the context of attachment parenting because they follow the “And” principle…

I want to teach my kids how to behave appropriately and I want to prioritize our relationship.
I want my kids to be accountable for their behavior and I want to respect them (their autonomy, their development).
I want to parent with firmness and kindness.
I want to let kids know what is expected of them and I want to stay connected to them.
I want to teach my kids respect and I want to facilitate communication between us.

It is common to equate positive parenting with permissive parenting. As children outgrow the AP practices of infanthood, parents frequently believe that they must “establish control” of their children, expect obedience, and enforce boundaries. For without limits and authority, children “rule the roost,” right?

Yes, children certainly need limits. Yes, they need clear boundaries. Yes, parents must communicate their expectations and hold kids accountable for their behavior. And yes, parents can teach kids these things without punishments, without threats, without inducing fear, and without spanking.

At the start of her 7-week Positive Discipline classes, author and parent educator Jane Nelsen asks parents, “How many of you would try one other parenting tool before you spanked?” Inevitably, every hand goes up. She continues and asks, “How many of you would try two things before spanking?” Hands stay up. “Three things? More?” And still, the hands stay up.

So, many parents are, indeed, aware of the limitations of spanking. Many parents spank because they are exasperated with their child’s behavior and want it to stop but don’t know what else to do. This is exactly what Positive Discipline classes do; they give parents new tools for disciplining effectively and non-punitively, while fostering and maintaining an emotional connection with their children.

As children outgrow the practices of AP such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping, they grow into other ones. Different techniques accomplish the same attachment-oriented goals: connection, security, respectful communication. It is possible to fill parenting toolboxes with a supply of non-punitive, connection-enhancing alternatives to spanking.

There are many. Some are in-the-moment reactive, while others are primarily proactive. All are able to accomplish the same results as spanking (setting limits, expecting accountability, teaching kids appropriate behavior) but with the important element of respect. These are just some (very condensed) examples taken from the set of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools:

Positive time out—both parents and children can take take time to cool off and access our rational brains.
Focus on solutions—move from thinking, “What can I do to get through to you?” to “What can we do to solve this problem?”
Wheel of choice—brainstorm solutions to everyday conflicts to give kids choices in problem solving.
Distract and redirect—turn a “don’t” into a “do.”
Eye to eye—communication becomes more respectful when you look into your child’s eyes.
Hugs—for children and parents alike; we all do better when we feel better. Physical affection restores brain chemistry to a calm, rational state.
Limited choices—provide small steps in shared power.
Listen—your children will listen after they feel listened to.
Use mistakes as opportunities for problem solving, not punishment.
Validate feelings—don’t fix, rescue, or talk children out of their feelings, and have faith in them to work it through.
Agreements—brainstorm with a child to find a solution everyone can agree to. If the problem occurs, remind the child, “What was our agreement?”
Connection before correction—when emotional connection is in place, the need for correction is greatly minimized.
Break the code—misbehavior is an external code for an internal problem; get at the root of the problem and the behavior will change.
Empower your kids—share control to help kids develop skills to have their own power.
Natural consequences—allow kids to experience the natural consequences of their choices without interference from you.
Encouragement—a misbehaving child is a discouraged child and needs to be encouraged rather than made to feel worse.
Use nonviolent communication—Speak in acknowledgements, “You feel hurt and you need someone to understand,” rather than in judgments, “When will you ever learn?”
Take time for teaching—teach kids what to do and be patient with the learning process.
Special time—schedule regular one-on-one time with each child.
Curiosity questions—ask questions to understand the child’s intentions, motives, feelings and needs.
Show faith—have faith in children to handle their mistakes.
Sense of humor—turn discipline into playful parenting.

And there are even more. Not all tools are applicable to every situation, and some tools work better in combination with others. Every situation is different with every family. For more information and explanation on the tools, you can take a class near you or get the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards.

Parenting non-punitively is definitely more time consuming than administering a spanking, but it is infinitely more valuable. A trusting, encouraging, secure relationship is possible with our newborns, grown-up children and every age in between. It affects how they see themselves and how they relate to the world, and it starts now.

Letter to that smart person with smart kids

Before anyone gets all paranoid, know that this goes for all ridiculously intelligent people with intelligent children. And know that I have astronomical standards for what constitutes plain ‘ol intelligent, much less ridiculously intelligent, so by nature, very few qualify. But if you do…

I’m watching you. I’m making note of your every move. I’m listening to what other people are saying about you. I want to observe you so that I can do what you did to get your child where he is now, which, I might add, is quite impressive. I’m getting all CIA on you. I’m sniffing around about your past, your kid’s past, about how you handled bed-wetting during the preschool years, and what you said when you found purple crayon on the new white furniture.

No, I’m not stalking. I just need some positive influences among all of the garbage that has become so commonplace. Give me a break here. I am trying to raise a child in a society that prays to the retail gods, a society that admires a woman who looks like she’s smuggling bowling balls in her t-shirt, a society that sees nothing wrong with hanging back and taking credit for another group’s accomplishments (I’m talking about pro sports).

Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with cheering on your favorite team. But for the love of Nutella, don’t say we. You ate chips and drank beer while a bunch of guys put in the sweat to accomplish whatever it was you’re patting yourself on the back for.

Just a peeve of mine.

Okay, back to my cry for help.

I JUST PULLED BREAD OUT OF MY KID’S EAR.

I mean, how is he supposed to become a chaos theorist and dead language hobbyist if he’s got a head full of bread?

You can’t blame me for taking notes on the geniuses of the world. Whatever I’m doing isn’t working. I’m like, oh no, you just put bread in your ear. Wait, Mommy’s getting her camera. Smile! Now, we don’t put bread in our ears…

(I know, I know, mixed messages. But some moments are too cute not to capture with the old point-and-shoot.)

I’m just trying to find the model parents and children out there who aren’t so much interested in the bowling balls and touchdowns (okay, I’ll take mildly amused). Is it too much to ask to want my child to want to exercise the noggin as a matter of priority?

So, the moral of the story is, I’m seeking out the people who get it so that I can get it too.

For the record, this doesn’t even scratch the surface of the parenting pressure I put on myself. Time to lighten up, perhaps?

What is Misbehavior?

“Children don’t misbehave, they simply behave to get their needs met.”

This quote comes from Dr. Thomas Gordon, but other psychologists and parent educators have said the same thing. Dr. Jane Nelsen devotes a whole section of her book, Positive Discipline, as well as lessons in her parenting classes to understanding children’s mistaken goals of behavior. The underlying concept is that behaviors like crying, whining, tantrums, lying, hitting, destroying property, etc. all stem from a child’s unmet need. There is something that child is needing that they’re not getting, so they behave in a way to try to meet those needs. Dr. Nelsen calls them “Mistaken Goals” because the child is often mistaken about how to behave in a way to meet their need

Last week, I saw a lady set a full cup of iced coffee next to her on the bench near where her 1-year-old daughter was toddling around. The little girl kept going over to it and picking it up, wanting to turn it over. The mom continually called her “naughty” and asked if she needed a time-out. If this mother understood the relationship between needs and behavior, she’d know that her daughter was not being naughty and that a time-out won’t solve anything. At one year old, this child’s need is to explore her environment using all of her senses; she is not misbehaving, she’s doing exactly what a one-year-old needs to do.

Looks like someone "needed" to see if the cake was cool!

We all behave in ways to get what we need. If I need something to eat, I’ll go to the kitchen and make myself some food. If need some order in my life, I’ll clean my house. If I need a renewed sense of community, I’ll turn on my sociability as I make an effort to connect with friends and neighbors. If I’m feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, I might subconsciously distance myself from others as I attempt to carve out some alone time for myself (if I don’t realize what I need), or I might just say, “Hey, I need some alone time,” (if I do).
Continue reading “What is Misbehavior?”

A Look at Your Discipline Style

I lead a meeting for the S. Austin Attachment Parenting chapter this morning on finding your discipline style. So often parents talk about what they don’t want to do: spank, shame, do what their parents did, etc. Figuring out what they do want to do is harder, especially when they didn’t have good models.

Before looking at any specific discipline strategies or techniques, it’s worth considering both where we’re coming from and where we’d like to go. Feel free to answer any of the questions in comments or just do it privately as a way of increasing your awareness about your own history and goals.

How were you disciplined as a child?
How did you react/feel when being disciplined?
What would you like to do the same or differently?
What are your goals for disciplining your child(ren)?
What discipline issues are coming up in your household these days?
What is causing discipline conflicts
- child (temperament, developmental level, tired/hungry, etc) or
- you (need to feel in control, unnecessary or unreasonable demand, disrespectful delivery, punitive approach, etc)?
What are your triggers? How do you express your feelings and cope with frustrations?
What are you doing well as a disciplinarian?
What do you wish you were doing differently?

What other questions would you add to this list?

In a strange land…

Imagine you’ve just had done some dental implants in Chicago. Your deadened nerves make your mouth droop on one side. You’re drooling, but you don’t know you’re drooling because you can’t feel your face. Your tongue feels like it doesn’t quite fit in your mouth. For more tips, you can refer to this site.

And then, the phone rings. Someone’s calling about that job you’ve had your eye on, or the hard-to-reach medical billing department has just one more question to resolve the expensive mistake on your statement. You try to respond. You carefully coordinate your mouth muscles, but it’s useless. As much as you try to form words, they just don’t come out right. After a few tries, you start to sense frustration in the voice on the other end. The other person makes a snide comment before giving up and hanging up.

Imagine hiking in a new place, exploring as you go. You’ve just discovered the most fascinating artifact. You climb a few rocks to get a closer look. You’re able to reach it, touch it, marvel at it. Then suddenly, someone twice your size appears out of nowhere, pries it out of your fingers and hides it, for no apparent reason. He mumbles something in another language, and disappears.

Imagine dozing off after reading your child’s favorite book about giants. You start to dream about wandering around a strange, large world built for giants. The stairs come to your waist, you can barely peer over the dining table, and your drinking glass is the size and weight of a landscape planter. You spend your day trying to navigate this world, only to find that you’re constantly falling, running into things, breaking things, and spilling things.

Now, imagine these annoying obstacles are here to stay for a while. And imagine every time you make a mistake, a policeman pops out of nowhere, starts barking through a bullhorn and whacks you on the rear with a billy club.

Am I that far off from the way a young child experiences life?

The next time our frustration starts to peak, let’s try to remember how new, complicated, fascinating and big this world seems through the eyes of our little ones.

I am not raising obedient children…

...nor do I want to. Not that I would rather have disobedient kids, but…actually that’s closer to the truth. What?! (You say.) What crazy parent would want this?

To me, the word “obedient” has such a negative connotation when used in reference to raising children. It literally means to obey. As in, orders.

Is that what parenting is? Ordering our children through their youth? I guess it would be nice if my kids followed my orders just because I said so. Put your toys away. Eat this food. Find new friends. Date this person, not that person. Take this job, not that one. Have your first child by this date. Buy a house at this random location on the map, just because I said so.

If we are teaching our kids to be “obedient,” at what point do we stop ordering them around? And what if there’s a strong reason not to obey someone’s order? A “good“ child — one who is taught to be obedient — might not have the forethought to see a situation through.

I don’t want children who obey without hesitation. I want children who can think for themselves, recognize and listen to their feelings and instincts and respond appropriately.

What I mean when I say I’d rather my kids be “dis”obedient is really more like be deliberate. I want my kids to think about what they’re doing, assess the situations they’re in and make internally motivated decisions. I don’t want them to do things just because I said so — though I know that with the number and types of interactions I have with my kids at their current ages of 4 and 6 years old, doing things because I said so would certainly be nice sometimes. All of the questioning, reasoning, arguing and explaining I hear after a simple request does get time-consuming and tiring.

But I appreciate the thought my kids put into their explanations to not do something I ask. Raising non-obedient kids will become very important in several years when they are out alone — maybe with friends or maybe truly on their own; in either case, without parents — and must evaluate an emotionally or physically risky situation. They need to be able to recognize their feelings, appreciate the significance of those feelings, and trust their instincts to make a considerate and educated decision, a fitting decision — not an obedient decision.

Getting out of the mindset that children need to obey parents “because we say so” and instead developing a mutually respectful relationship that inspires independent thinking will be hugely beneficial for my kids and our family in about 10 years. As aggravating as some situations at this point in time, I will gladly take this challenge on now rather than later.