APtly Said – Page 46

Nurturing touch restores security in adoptive families

Some of my favorite parts of the day are when my husband and I get down on the floor with our sons to wrestle and play, hearing them belly laugh. Or when I lie down for sleep with two tired, little boys snuggled tight under my arms.

Since we started our adoption journey four years ago, we have received so much joy and love from our sons and their birth mothers. However, it’s bittersweet…for although it’s true that there are countless joys and benefits from building families through adoption, there’s also inherent sorrow and loss resulting from separation from their birth mothers — they who had comforted them in the womb and held them during those first wakeful moments.

For some adopted children, this loss of a birth mother can have profound effects on their sense of personal security and ability to trust others. Undertones of anxiety and apathy may affect their relationships with loved ones. Furthermore, children who have experienced prenatal and perinatal trauma and loss may display even stronger, more vivid emotions of fear or anger when exposed to stress in the future. Adoptive parents, being aware of these potential challenges and facing them head-on, is one key to the child’s successful bonding, growth and development.

When we brought our sons home from the hospital, we couldn’t verbally make them understand that both we and their birth mothers love them immensely. However, we could — and did — use nonverbal communication to express our love and commitment to them.

We did skin-to-skin contact, laying them on our skin and allowing us to connect without words. We also chose to respond quickly to their cries by holding them close and reassuring them that we will always come when they need us.

Babywearing became an essential aspect of early bonding, especially with our second son. Life became noticeably busier with two young children. Both need love and special attention, and babywearing allows me to keep my little one close while still freely interacting with my older son. I can provide simultaneous security to both of my children.

These forms of physical contact are categorized as nurturing touch by Attachment Parenting International (API). When words are difficult, as is the case with newborns and young children, nurturing touch transcends language while still communicating security and love. It involves everything from massage to physical play and can be as simple as putting your arm around your child while on the couch together.

As our sons continue to grow, we are finding other ways to deepen this connection. Our 3 year old loves to wrestle and pillow fight. Each night, we happily indulge him to meet his need for physical contact, helping him to build trust and confidence in us and himself. Later, at bedtime, I lay next to him and rub his back through stories and prayers. He craves this connecting, nurturing touch and the security of knowing that we love him immensely.

Parents can never undo the loss that some adopted children experience, but hiding or not acknowledging it can be detrimental to them. Being aware of these challenges and meeting them with
persistent affection and honesty can allow healing to take place.

My husband and I are so blessed to have two happy, spirited and loving sons. Looking back, I am confident that much of our boys’ smiles, laughter and love are due to our decision to follow API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. There is so much unique joy experienced in adoption, and connections formed through nurturing touch foster this joy — allowing our children to feel secure and build necessary, lasting trust in us.

A special door

Editor’s note: April is Cesarean Awareness Month, an international observance designed to reduce unnecessary Cesareans, advocate for Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC) and help women heal from the sometimes-difficult emotions surrounding a Cesarean birth. Attachment Parenting International‘s First Principle of Parenting: Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting advocates for parents to research their options regarding childbirth choices. While API promotes choices with the least interventions possible, Cesareans are necessary in some situations. It’s important for mothers to fully process their experience, not only for their own emotional health but also for their bond with baby, so their Cesarean birth story can be beautifully retold, again and again:

“Tell me again, Mommy,” says my daughter. “Tell me about when I was born.”

I gather her in my arms and feel her head rest against my chest. “You were ready to run out!” I say, and she giggles as she always does. “I could feel your head right here by my heart and your feet were straight down and ready to go.”

“I wasn’t upside down like other babies,” she adds, looking into my eyes.

“No,” I reply, “you were special and so excited to come out and meet the world.”

“I was ready to run,” she repeats. “I’m a fast runner!”

“Yes, and that’s why you got to come out a special door in my tummy,” I say, putting my hand over the spot where my Cesarean scar is. My daughter puts her hand over mine and echoes, “a special door.”

“And when you were born,” I remember, “Daddy and I snuggled you and kissed you and said, ‘Welcome!'” My voice gets husky and tears spring to my eyes.

“Did you cry, Mommy?” my daughter asks.

“Yes, I did,” I reply. “A little, because I’d waited for so long to meet you, and because I was so happy to hold you in my arms.”

Breastfeeding with food sensitivities

I always assumed I would breastfeed my kids, and I have. But I never anticipated the struggle I would have when one of them developed severe food sensitivities.

My son had been experiencing a variety of symptoms pretty much since birth, but I hadn’t put them together to realize they were all symptoms of a bigger problem. It wasn’t until we were still struggling to get his reflux under control and he stopped putting weight on did the pediatrician suggest we consider the possibility of food sensitivities.

Editor’s note: Breastfeeding research shows that infants do not typically develop food sensitivities until at least 3 weeks of age, and common types of food sensitivities depend on what geographic region you reside. Moreover, there are many possible causes with the same signs and symptoms as food sensitivities. If you are encountering a challenge with feeding your infant, contact your local IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant), La Leche League Leader, WIC Breastfeeding Counselor or another accredited breastfeeding specialist.

I felt strongly that, if possible, breastmilk was the best option for our son and am fortunate to have a pediatrician that agrees with me. Even when our son was having issues putting weight on, she never wavered on her support of breastfeeding exclusively. Since it was not a supply issue on my end, supplementing with formula wouldn’t fix the problem, she said. My son has been exclusively breastfed, so it was determined that the culprit was something he was ingesting through my milk.

It took some trial and error, but we finally figured out that our son has a severe sensitivity to milk and soy protein. It’s called Milk-Soy Protein Intolerance (MSPI). To manage it, I have removed any trace of milk and soy products from my diet. Once eliminated, it still takes up to 4 weeks for all traces to be out of my system. However, within a week, we saw such an incredible change in our son.

Almost all his symptoms have disappeared completely: no more congestion, the eczema on his face is gone, the reflux is under control, he gained weight, and he’s eating and sleeping better!

I don’t want to say it’s been difficult, but managing the food sensitivity has been a lot of work. I am constantly scanning labels to look for hidden dairy and soy and have started making almost everything we eat at home. Some days, I make multiple meals since my husband and daughter have no restrictions on their diet. Eating out has also become virtually impossible, and when we go somewhere, I always bring food for me and him to eat. You should have seen me sitting down to Easter dinner and taking out my own loaf of bread!

Regardless of the amount of planning, extra work or restrictions, it has absolutely been worth it. He is still experiencing the nutritional benefits and emotional connection that breastfeeding provides. Our son is thriving.

I’d be happy to share more information we have learned about this food sensitivity or share some allergy-friendly recipes we’ve discovered if you are having similar issues. Just write it in the Comments; I’d love to chat!

15 years

Fifteen years — a lot can happen in that length of time. Marriages, divorces, births, deaths, adoptions, new jobs and big adventures can paint their way through a life like mine when so many days have gone by.

It truly seems like it was just the other day that a small group of dear friends and I decided to start a local group affiliated with Attachment Parenting International (API) in Des Moines, Iowa, USA — only the second one in the Midwest.

We were all in need of building our intentional village.

Having been a leader of a breastfeeding support group prior, I now found myself facing a new challenge of not only re-lactating to nurse a micro-preemie, but an adopted, drug- and alcohol-affected baby with a plethora of special needs. I finally needed to call in favors for support for myself. But those supports didn’t exist in my community at the time.

My parenting was evolving, and I longed for a group where I could speak more openly and find honest and straightforward, yet gentle and kind friends, while offering the same to others. I wanted us to be the kind of people you trust around your children, because you know we believe in nurturing and validating each other and we want the best for all of our kids collectively, not only individually.

I had been doing Attachment Parenting (AP) for many years before I knew there was a word, but once I realized that we could begin offering support, information and encouragement to others, I was excited to get going. From very early on, we had a few very regular families and we bonded into such a natural support that it wasn’t unusual to see us with one dad pushing someone else’s child on a swing while a mom wore two babies at once, hers and her dear friend’s. We viewed Attachment Parenting not only as our choice in a parenting style but in our broader approach as to how we faced the world.

Later, when some coleaders moved away, my current co-leader of somewhere close to a decade, Laurie Belin, stepped forward and agreed to assist, support, advocate, nurture and encourage so many here in Des Moines — along with me. Other organizations were envious that I had such a phenomenal coleader, but as I moved into a place of single parenting my five children, with many special needs, while trying to provide financially for them, she took on so much more of the responsibility so that our group could not only survive, but thrive and I could just show up and help lead meetings.

Many families have passed through our doors through the years, and many more find support through our private online support group that Laurie moderates with grace and knowledge like few could. We have had a diverse group, and I have been privileged to witness some beautiful parenting and some thought-provoking conversations, and to be a part in some parents’ growth. I have heard myself quoted and am honored to have a positive impact on our AP community.

I have been blessed to lead API of Central Iowa for 15 years. My children are now nearly 23, 19, 15, 12 and 7. My Attachment Parenting journey is far from over, as I believe we carry API’s Eight Principles of Parenting throughout life. I am tremendously thankful for all I have learned, how I myself have grown and for all Laura, other coleaders and I have been allowed to share with families throughout these 15 years.

Thank you, API. I have received so much more than I ever gave.

Positive discipline is all about the right relationship

Some parents misconstrue Attachment Parenting (AP) as promoting undisciplined children and martyred parents, when in actuality, Attachment Parenting has a strong basis in discipline and balance.

Parents are encouraged to look at child behavior in a different perspective than a punishment-based mindset. Children need abundant nurturing and an authentic, open bond with their parents based in trust rather than in fear.

This doesn’t mean that AP parents never say “no.” In fact, boundary-setting is very important to Attachment Parenting. What it means is that AP parents approach discipline in a different way — instead of punishing for undesirable behavior, they teach and guide their children through non-punitive ways. AP parents strive to teach problem-solving.

It’s also important for AP parents to teach emotional health by modeling. Take tantrums, for example, a natural response to boundary setting for a toddler or young child. Tantrums, or “losing it,” is a learned response for adults. A parent who “loses it” in response to their child’s behavior and punishes the child isn’t meeting that child’s need for guidance into how to handle strong emotions like frustration and disappointment, but actually teaching the child that tantrums can’t be controlled except by lashing out at others — or alternatively, stuffing emotions in the case of a parent who is more likely to not set firm boundaries. AP parents are able to identify and respond to their own strong emotions, and therefore are then able to teach their children in how to manage their own tantrums over time through emotion-coaching and problem-solving.

For example, for children — and, to be honest, adults too — a meltdown may be precipitated by tiredness, hunger, illness or a feeling of emotional disconnect from others. These contributors can be addressed, which can significantly and immediately reduce the number of tantrums. The remaining tantrums can then be addressed from a point of view of what emotional needs is the child trying to express: Does the child feel misunderstood? Does the child need more choices? Does the child need help learning a new skill?

I like to say that discipline begins at birth, because parents are always teaching their child something, even newborn babies, by how they respond and what priority they give to a warm, compassionate but balanced parent-child relationship. Positive discipline is rooted in the right relationship between a parent and child.

Insight from the International Children’s Yoga Conference on mindfulness

Last month, I was invited as a guest speaker to the International Children’s Yoga Conference in the beautiful town of Heidelberg in Southern Germany. The main topic of this year’s conference was mindfulness, and my workshop focused on my mindfulness and yoga work with children dealing with chronic illness.

Participants with all kinds of different backgrounds and from five different countries traveled to Heidelberg in order to learn, inspire and grow together over the course of three days. Several guest speakers shared experiences and ideas around different mindfulness topics. It was a wonderful and uplifting experience, and everyone seemed to leave the conference and the town of Heidelberg inspired and happy — but many participants also seemed to be a bit surprised by how their conference experience differed from what they had expected it to be like.

On my seven-hour train ride from Heidelberg up to Berlin, Germany, I had to opportunity to connect and chat with some of these participants and learn in more detail about their impressions on the conference and the topic of mindfulness as the conference organisers advised each attendee. Here is what I discovered:

While many of the (mostly) yoga teachers seemed to have anticipated workshops and lectures providing them with hands-on tips and strategies and tools on how to “teach” mindfulness to children, this is what they got instead: Alongside many hands-on tips and techniques, over the course of these three days, they were taken on a rather self-exploratory journey themselves — tuning into their very own minds, connecting to their intuition, experiencing and exploring mindfulness from the inside out!

This is the true essence of mindfulness work with children and teenagers and adults alike, no matter in which setting. The basic and most important prerequisite is us being mindful ourselves, within our own lives. Only then can we be authentic and function as gentle guides for others — be this our partner, our own children, our patients, clients, students. Once we cultivate a mindfulness practice for ourselves — this can look very differently for each and everyone of us — we will automatically radiate this to our surroundings and maybe start inspiring the ones around us toward a more mindful way of living.

So, if you want to “teach” your kids “how to be more mindful,” the starting point is you!

You, cultivating your own mindfulness practice. This can be as simple as focusing on your breathing for three minutes everyday, maybe first thing in the morning before you even get out of bed or last thing at night before you go off to sleep.

You will be in a much better and more authentic place for incorporating mindfulness into your loved ones’ lives.

And although seeking for inspiration at conferences, in books, on the Internet or in classes — once you start your own journey — don’t be surprised if you become so inspired that you come up with your and your family’s very own mindfulness practices and traditions. Wishing you a wonderful journey. If you like, connect with me and let me know how it goes.

Maintaining connection through long separations

Editor’s note: April is Month of the Military Child, an observance designed to increase support to children in military families. Attachment Parenting International’s Sixth Principle of Parenting: Provide Consistent and Loving Care advocates for parents to provide abundant presence to their children and to carefully consider options of non-parental care. Because they experience frequent moves and deployments, this is all the more important to military families:

Many military families face long separations as family members must be away for long-term training or deployments. As with all things, being prepared for the upcoming separation and knowing what to expect can help all members of the family weather the cycle of long-term separation.

Consider using the tools offered by the Families Overcoming Under Stress (FOCUS) program, which provides training for families to learn coping tools to help meet the challenges of deployment and reintegration. Other sources of support during separations can include family, friends, API Support Groups, spouse support services or family readiness groups, and your installation’s support services or Military OneSource.

There are many fun and creative ways to maintain connection while separated, many of which you can start before the separation — and many of which I have used many of these tools to help us maintain connection during my husband’s long-term training workups and subsequent back to back deployments:

Create a life-size cut-out of the deploying parent, such as through Flat Daddies. Once the Flat Daddy or Mommy has joined the family, you can use it as a tool to foster connection. Move the cut-out to different rooms in the house, dress him or her up with seasonal hats and clothing, hold hands, give hugs and kisses, and take pictures with him or her. Consider taking the cut-out with your family to
special gatherings and perhaps include it with family photos.
Create a plush doll with the image of Mommy or Daddy on it, such as through Daddy Dolls. The doll can be snuggled with while sleeping and easily brought with you wherever you go. It can also be customized with a written message and a recording.
Use one of Daddy’s or Mommy’s t-shirts as a pillow case to snuggle with during bedtime.
Make a bracelet or other jewelry with the name of the separated family member and wear it though the deployment. if you’re looking to give a watch gift look this great watch guides on NanaDC.
Make photo albums. As a family, make a special photo album of a recent family trip, favorite moments together, or just photos of the child and deploying parent together. Be sure to look at the photo album together often.
Try a talking photo frame. The deploying parent can leave a special message with his or her picture for the family at home.
The deploying parent can write cards and letters ahead of time, then leave them home sealed and marked with the date they are to be opened. These can be for special occasions or just to help make a regular day more special. For example, a card can be marked for “When you feel sad” or “When you need to laugh” in addition to birthdays and holidays. Gifts can also be purchased, wrapped and left to be opened. Alternatively, children can also draw pictures or write letters to be “sneaked” into the deploying parent’s bag.
Reading books together before the separation can give time to connect and also for children to ask questions or share concerns. Favorite books can also be sent with the deploying family member to be read to the children while away, via technology. Children’s picture books that feature military families and deployment themes include: My Red Balloon by Eve Bunting, Red, White and Blue Good-bye by
Sarah Tomp, and Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut.
Record videos with special messages to be left for the family to watch. Another idea is to record videos of the deploying parent reading a story to the children, and leave the books for the children to follow along. One website to check out is A Story Before Bed, through which stories can be recorded with and without the children in the video.
Take advantage of Skype or Facetime to help see and hear each other while apart, which definitely helps ease the separation for all family members.
Use fun, versatile counting games to provide a visual tool that demonstrates the passing of time for younger children. This can be as simple as buying or making a large wall calendar that can be decorated and annotated with special days before the separation. Children can cross out the days as they pass. Another alternative is to use a day planner or a small notebook to write messages for the family to read as the days go by. Another idea is that before the separation, the whole family can build a paper chain with one link for each day of separation. One link is removed for each day the family is apart. The person going away could write messages on some or all of the paper links as surprises for the family. A family could also build a paper chain during a separation by adding a link for every day of separation, to demonstrate the time that has passed. Another variation is to make a Gratitude Chain, where each day the family members write what they are thankful for on a strip of paper and build a chain with it. When the deployed family member returns, the Gratitude Chain becomes a tool for reconnection as it is disassembled and read together.

Though extended separations are never easy, families can enjoy using these ideas to create and maintain connection while apart and to ease reintegration after the separation is over.

Editor’s note: Learn more about Attachment Parenting for military families with these resources from Attachment Parenting International (API):

“When a Parent Goes to War: Effects of Parental Deployment on Very Young Children and Implications for Intervention” from the Journal of Attachment Parenting

“Separation from dad” and “Giving birth without husband” threads from the API Forum

“Navigating Military Life with API’s Eight Principles of Parenting” from The Attached Family

“An Ever-changing Village: The Importance of Parent Support for Military Families” and “Peace at Home: Military Families Embrace Attachment Parenting” from The Attached Family

“Reflections on Motherhood” from The Attached Family

“Parenting through Business Trips, Military Deployment and Other Extended Separations” from The Attached Family

“Grief in Children” from The Attached Family

Obeying out of fear

“A child who obeys out of fear will only do so as long as he or she is scared. A child like this never develops an internalized sense of right and wrong without being policed by a more powerful authority figure.” ~ Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma by Nancy Samlin

How do you feel about this statement? Did you find this to be true for you? Do you see this in those children around you?

For me, even though I was raised to obey out of fear, I still developed a sense of right and wrong because of the religious upbringing I had. But I do know that being punished meant that when I was younger I would hide things from my mom and that she and I didn’t develop a close connection because I was afraid of her and her reactions to my behavior and questions.

As parents, my husband and I don’t use punishments while setting boundaries for our daughter. We strive to be respectful in our discipline and to include my daughter in the process of problem-solving and guidance.

My daughter has a close connection with me but still hates to disappoint us. I have learned that you can set behavior limits in a loving way that isn’t the same as demanding obedience out of fear — that instead keeps the parent-child relationship intact — and still have your child learn right from wrong.

Editor’s note: Join this and other discussions on Goodreads through the API Reads online book club. You can read along in your own copy of Love and Anger, or even if you don’t have the book, you can follow the discussion and take away bits of parenting ideas to try in your home. Learn more about the API Reads program or join for free directly at Goodreads.