Category: APtly Said

Separation Parenting?

Sometimes when folks learn we co-sleep with our kids, they suggest, not too subtly, that we do so in order to meet *our* needs, not those of our kids. While there is something incredibly special about cuddling our kids in the middle of the night, after five years of co-sleeping, I assure you that Ann and I dream of one day reclaiming our bed. It’s not for our needs that we co-sleep. It is, rather, for our children’s need for attachment.


But what of our needs as parents? What of our needs for occasional separation? And, perhaps most confusing for me, what do we make of situations where we aren’t sure who is most concerned about separation—us or our children?

I have been home full time with my kids for four years—since Olivia was born and her prematurity and brain injury necessitated either Ann or I quit our jobs. Ann and I both loved our jobs and felt invigorated by them. We felt competent and capable as working-outside-the-home attachment-parenting moms. For a variety of reasons, I was the one who became the SAHP. It was not an easy adjustment for me. I work hard at it and believe I do a good job.

Yet, I continue to deeply miss teaching and working with adolescents. (I was a teacher then a principal of an alternative high school for at-risk teens.) I am honored to witness my own children’s first steps and their daily changes, but I also miss engaging with the energy of teenagers, of facilitating insightful discussions and witnessing children transform into young adults.

I know that choosing to be a SAHP was the right choice for Olivia. There is no question that her consistent therapy appointments, doctor appointments, access to school-based intervention programs, practicing what we learned from her OTs, PTs, and speech pathologists, as well as creating a safe, secure attachment has helped make her progress possible.

The decision to become a SAHP was made nearly four years. Now, my eldest at home, Sophia, is in school all day. And Walker, who will turn two this summer, will thrive and maintain her attachment and sense of security in the world whether I am home with her or not. (Although I am confident that Walker benefits from our attachment parenting, she is the most mellow, easy ‘Zen’ Baby and I joke that she could be raised by cats.)

So if I return to working outside the home, both of my middle children will continue to blossom. But will Olivia?

I don’t know.

Olivia will be four this summer. Next year, she will continue attending her special needs pre-school. If I return to work, will she transition to a caregiver and develop new strength and confidence in that relationship? Will there be new gifts in that for Olivia? Or will she do okay, but not as well as if I continue to be at home during the day? Will I ever really know the answers?

Staying home, in addition to the medical and therapy expenses, means the financial well-being of our family is involved in this decision as well. But, as we did when Olivia was born, we will choose our children’s well-being over our financial well being.

But won’t our children’s well-being be enhanced by having two parents who feel balanced in their lives, rather than one who yearns to feel that way again? Am I attempting to make a decision that will either be good for Olivia but not for me, or vice versa? Or am I attempting to determine what path will lead to harmony for our family as a whole, balancing out each member’s needs as best we can?

I have an interview for a teaching position next week.

At the moment, I swing back and forth on a pendulum hoping one minute I am offered this position, and the next hoping I am not.

Next month, I’ll let you know where I jump off the pendulum and land.

– Diana Robinson

Babywearing Improv

Q: Soft baby carriers look so simple. Do I really need to buy one? Couldn’t I just use what I already have or make my own?

A: Yes, absolutely. The most basic baby carrier is a Simple Piece of Cloth which can be made in to a tie sling, a torso carrier or a wraparound carrier. You may already have a suitable piece of fabric on hand (think shawls, sarongs, large scarves, sheets, tablecloths…) You can go to your local fabric store or even most discount stores and choose your own fabric for a few dollars.

Your fabric needs to be at least 25 inches wide and should be mostly cotton, breathable, resilient, washable, and preferably have a bit of diagonal give. Try not to get fabric that is too thick or you will have trouble tying it. Cotton mesh fabric works well. Follow this general guideline for fabric length: For a tie sling or a torso carry, most people need about 2.8 yards, for most wraparound positions, choose between 4.6 yards (up to 140 lbs and 5’8”), 5 yards (up to 180 lbs and 6’ tall) and 5.5 yards (over 180 pounds and 6 feet tall).

Take your carefully selected, measured Simple Piece of Cloth and have some fun. If you have a short piece (about shawl size), wear your older baby (6 months plus) in the hip carry in a tie sling. You may also want to try the torso carry (fabric is wrapped exclusively around your torso excluding the shoulders entirely). Check out this great video from Tracy at www.wearyourbaby.com of 3 month old baby Charlie on his sister’s back in the Torso Carry using a shawl. This is such a great, simple carry. After seeing this video, I immediately tried it with my 8 month old Julia and it was so comfortable. Quick, easy, comfortable, hands-free magic! Because torso carries do not involve the shoulders, this is a great carry for people with neck or shoulder trouble.

With a slightly longer fabric, your fabric will function as a wraparound carrier and you may want to wear your newborn in a wraparound position in the front or enjoy the ease a convenience of the rucksack carry on your back.

In a pinch, I have used a light throw blanket to wear my baby on my back for a much needed nap while visiting my in-laws. With a minimal time and expense you can and should use a Simple Piece of Cloth as a great way to carry your precious baby. Anyone else have stories (or resources) to share about using a Simple Piece of Cloth to carry baby?

For you more crafty folks, stay tuned next week for resources for sewing your own baby carrier.

Editor’s Note: The links to Wear Your Baby are no longer valid as the site is no longer online.

How We Make Working Work For Us

I knew that our family was not in a financial position for me to be able to give up my “day job” all together after Mathilda was born, but I naturally wanted to spend every possible moment with Mathilda too! Our family struggled (a lot) with this issue. On one hand, two incomes would certainly make our lives less stressful. And on the other hand, we fully supported the principles of attachment parenting and wanted to make as few compromises to those principles as possible. So we started making the changes in our life that would allow us to do both. Working outside of the home is certainly compatible with AP—and AP helps parents and babies create a strong bond even if they are not always together. Actually, AP is particularity valuable for parents who work outside of the home! But being able to work full time and practice the AP principles at the same time has taken some pretty creative thinking (not to mention some big priority changes) for our family.

We are lucky to have been committed to the principles of AP before we had Mathilda. We were both students when we had our three older children. Scheduling classes and trading semesters so that one of us was always home full-time wasn’t any trouble at all. We often took one or all of the kids along to classes where they were able to meet all types of people and be exposed to new ideas right alongside of us. Our oldest daughter was even able to star in a university theater production when she was only eight! After school, while my husband was starting his career, I took a job in a childcare facility where I was able to keep our preschooler with me all day. By the time she was three and ready to spend some time away from us each day, David was enjoying great success with his work, and I had found a dream position as a parent educator. If you want access to the best crypto resource on the web, keep an eye on DC Forecasts.  All the information that you could possibly need regarding the crypto world, and some you didn’t even know you needed. You can check my site for more information about crypto news.

Being a parent educator allows me to use all of my doula skills, formal education, and life experience to the fullest. And c’mon, let’s admit it, visiting with pregnant mommas and new babies all day is hardly a burden! The children I work with will be helping to run the world right alongside my children someday, so I feel like I have as much vested interest in making sure that the families I work with have healthy prenatal care, informed childbirth experiences, breastfeeding support, loving discipline and the best start in life. I was able to implement a program which provided free slings to our breastfeeding mothers. We even commissioned a sculpture outside of our building which depicts a baby in a sling!

When we decided to have another baby, we had to explore a variety of economic and work arrangement options to create a situation where she could be cared for by one or both parents at all times. That transition period included my husband quitting his job to start his own green technology company—a process which left us without his income for the first six months of my pregnancy. We had to cut back on commitments outside of the home, like participating in theater and volunteering in the community. Most importantly, we had to learn to say no.

Even with the flexibly working from home has afforded my husband, and as supportive as my employer is of Mathilda coming to the office with me in our sling, my transition back to work has come at the cost of quite a bit of stress and strain on the family. David often works at night and on the weekends to compensate for the weekday hours he spends with Mathilda while I visit with families. It has also necessitated dipping into savings, maxing out my vacation and sick leave, and having to work harder during the periods when we do work. Our house may never recover from cleaning-neglect and our neighbors are probably fretting that our overgrown lawn has become a refuge for large, carnivorous animals. And of course, our older children whine about the longer list of chores and the tighter budget. But they were once the lucky recipients of the care, respect and attention of a full time attachment parent, so we know that they are secure enough to weather the loving sacrifices that are being made for their little sibling.

Even though our careers and our family’s long-term financial security are important to us, we both agree that Mathilda will never be this tiny again and we will never be given a second chance to parent her. With four children, we know how it quickly they grow and how fleeting the time is! She is a delightful baby who has made our lives infinitely more joyous. It seems that creating a life which supports our parenting choices, instead of submitting to parenting choices that suit the needs of the world, is the loving choice to make…and I hope that our family can be an inspiration to other new parents who think that they can’t possibly make working work for them!

Justine @ JulianARTS

 

Falling Short

By A Mama’s Blog

Last month I wrote about a sweet moment I had with Cole, when I responded to his cries, and did not allow him to cry it out. I wish I could say that was our “happily ever after,” regarding sleep with Cole, but it wasn’t.

I suspected a few hours after Cole’s birth that he might be a high needs/fussy baby. Within a few days, I knew we had our own high needs baby. One of the characteristics Cole displayed, was I could not put him down without him instantly starting to cry. This of course, carried over to sleep time as well.

For the first six or so months of Cole’s life, he literally slept ON me. I would lie down, and he would instantly fall asleep on me. Any other method I tried to get him to go to sleep resulted in intense screaming.

Needless to say, this was exhausting. I never slept that well with him on me, but at least this allowed me to doze and snooze, and was the better alternative to being up all night with a screaming baby. As Cole continued to grow, his laying on me was not working anymore. I knew it was time to come up with a different sleeping arrangement.

Having Cole sleep in the bed with us didn’t work. The moment we moved, he woke up and started crying. We were also getting midnight visits from Ryan too (who was three at the time), and he would just jump in the bed, half asleep. Obviously, this wasn’t a safe situation, because Ryan could have jumped on Cole and hurt him.

We finally decided to move Cole’s crib into our room, and place it next to our bed. At least he could still hear me breathe and would know I was near him, even though he wasn’t sleeping on me. I figured this was going to take some adjustment, but I was determined out of sheer desperation, to get Cole to sleep in his crib.

The first night, after nursing Cole, I placed him in the crib. I sat on the edge of my bed and patted his back, while I softly whispered to him. He fussed for about a minute, and then went to sleep. As I tried to leave the room, he would notice that my hand was no longer on his back, and he’d start crying. As long as I sat on the edge of the bed, haunched over the crib, with my hand on his back, he was fine and would sleep. Even after an hour, when I thought he had to be asleep, as soon as I took my hand off his back, the screaming started. After a few nights of this, Cole finally got to the point where I could get him to sleep, take my hand off his back, and leave the room.

The only thing that was predictable with Cole was he was unpredictable. Some nights he loved the crib and would fall asleep instantly, and other nights sleeping just didn’t happen – for him or for me. I would not be honest if I didn’t say that some nights I was so incredibly frustrated with Cole. I could not understand why my baby would not sleep, even though I was doing everything I could think of for him.

The nights I sat up with him in the living room at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, crying because I was beyond sleep deprived, were countless. My husband, Joe, helped out a lot too, despite having to be up every morning at 6am, so he could go to work. I honestly don’t know how he managed to only get a few hours of sleep, and then go for ten plus hours a day at work, with no naps. At least I was able to take a nap during the day.

Shortly before Cole turned one, we were having a particularly bad night. Nothing was working to get Cole to sleep, and he had been crying for hours. I was so incredibly frustrated, exhausted, and the end of my rope. I wanted to make Cole stop crying, so I could go to sleep. That exhausted and drained part of me wondered what would happen if I just gave him a shake to see if he would stop crying. Instantly, I felt like the worse mother on the earth.

Thank goodness that was just a fleeing thought that did not manifest itself, but it scared me. That night I put Cole in his crib, where he was safe, sat on the floor in the room and let him cry. I think that was the hardest night ever for me a mother, because I was totally out of options and was completely and utterly burned out.

After 30 minutes, Cole finally fell asleep. It was hard to listen to him cry, but in the state we were in, it was the only thing left to do. As I sat on the floor in his room, I thought about how close I had been to ‘losing’ it with Cole, and realized he was safe in his crib, and this is what we needed to do to get through the night.

After that night, it was still hit or miss with getting Cole to sleep, but around 18 months, it was like a switch just went off in him where he finally turned the corner. Instead of a baby who never slept, and was constantly waking up, he was sleeping, and staying asleep.

Cole just turned two, and his sleep issues are gone. I nurse him for a few minutes before bed, and then place him in the crib, still awake. He smiles at me, pulls me in for a hug, rolls over and goes to sleep on his own. It is a rare night now if he wakes up, not the rule. I never thought we would get to this point.

I thought long and hard about how to write this post, because having your baby cry-it-out, isn’t generally accepted as AP parenting. However, I wanted to be honest, and relay a true experience. I have realized for me that it is OK to admit that I am not a perfect mother, nor will I ever be. That doesn’t mean that I don’t try, but sometimes I fall short of the ideals that I want to raise my children with. When that happens, I have learned that it serves no useful purpose to beat myself up and tell myself I’m a bad mother.

Being the parent of a high needs baby tests you in ways you never dreamed of. Most of the time you pass the tests successfully. But, sometimes as any parent – high needs baby or not – can tell you, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes in the moment you do the best you can, so you can get through the day or the night. Then all you can do is continue on, learning from the experience.

If everyone practiced all the AP ideals all the time perfectly, we wouldn’t have much to write or talk about, and be able to offer support to others. “Failing” at an AP ideal, doesn’t make us “bad” or non-AP parents – it makes us human parents.

When we don’t parent quite the way we want to at times, it is disheartening, but it also is a good learning experience, and it helps us grow. These experiences help us grow into the kind of parents we want to be.

Catch me while you can.

Summer lasted forever when I was a child. School would end and the days would stretch lazily before me, full of endless possibility. I would hear my parents talk about “time flying” and how much faster it was moving than it used to. I would wonder how my summer could be so long, and theirs could be so short, without there being any difference in the actual amount of time that passed.

When my daughter was born her baby days seemed to last forever. I would think I can’t wait until she can talk, or walk, or play by herself. All of those baby stages seemed to take an eternity to get through. Now my son is over one already, and all I can think is please stay small a little longer, please.

My life has sped up so much that I could easily lose months of my kids childhood to mundane routines, responsibilities and work. This is why I am an advocate for attachment parenting. Time goes by so quickly, why lose a single second of it? I am going to seize every chance I get to hold and snuggle my baby before he gets too busy to cuddle. I am going to take every moment I can to watch fireflies with my daughter, before she gets too cool to hang with her mom. After all, these moments are what I have been working for.

I glory in being able to roll over and kiss my son’s fluffy head in the middle of the night. I can’t imagine a better to way to wake up than to feel baby hands patting my face. Co-sleeping is magical. It turns your family’s down hours into bonding time, for both parents. It provides for extra snuggling and closeness in an otherwise busy schedule.

AP principles led me to bring my daughter into the kitchen when she turned about four. I found the best way to respect her food concerns was to invite her to help prepare our meals. I love cooking with my daughter. She and I have a blast chopping veggies, cracking eggs, and mixing ingredients together. She learns how to cook healthy and tasty meals, and I get to hear about her day, her ideas, and her thoughts about the future. Best of all, she eats what we cook because she had a hand in making it.

Attachment parenting has helped me invite my children into all parts of my life. It has empowered me to slow down my routines, and include my children in my responsibilities. I am working hard to make their childhood last as long as possible. Hopefully I can stretch it out before me, filled with magic moments, instead of seeing it race past me in a blur.

Fathers and AP

I’ve been thinking recently about how important Attachment Parenting is to fathers.

Many men seem to feel helpless and left out when it comes to the whole process of pregnancy, birth and those early weeks with a new baby. Mother and baby are like a little closed group with eyes only for each other. Everyone pampers a new mother, but little is done for the new father. He can feel overwhelmed by his new responsibilities and this tiny new person that has just entered his life! Some men can feel pushed aside as they watch the new relationship blossom between mother and baby.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There seems to be a common perception that dads won’t bond with their babies unless they can feed them. This perception can put pressure on breastfeeding mums to introduce a bottle of f*rmula or expressed breastmilk from the start. After all no mother wants to feel that she is hurting the relationship between her baby and his dad.

But, again, it doesn’t have to be this way.

I really feel that Attachment Parenting and the sentiments which surround it are a huge help to men during this new period of their lives. Mr. Halfpintpixie has always had a great relationship with littlepixie and we credit a lot of that to our parenting “style.” I really feel that cosleeping provides one of the best opportunities for a new family to bond and get used to being in each other lives. It’s the perfect way to finish a day and the perfect way to start the next!

As a very young baby, littlepixie would only sleep in our arms. For the first few weeks, I had a very hard time with breastfeeding and was in a lot of pain especially at night, so every night littlepixie would sleep snuggled in her daddy’s arms, coming over to me for feeds when she woke and then back over to him afterwards.

These weeks helped Mr. HPP to attune to her needs and helped littlepixie realize that along with mammy there was another person who would always be there for her, her daddy. It was a very intense few weeks and none of us got very much sleep, but we got a lot more sleep than we would have had we insisted on using the moses basket!

We’re still cosleeping and breastfeeding, and Mr. HPP gets a lot more sleep now! Myself and littlepixie have gotten much better at feeding while half asleep so when she wakes in the night, she just has to mooch over, latch on and go back to sleep. She’ll often roll over to me for a quick feed then roll off back over to sleep beside Mr. HPP again.

Some mornings I’ll wake, stretch out, realize I’ve just stretched in a big empty space, and then look over to see the two of them fast asleep snuggled together. It’s the sweetest thing in the world!

Have a read of API’s Nighttime Parenting article for more information on cosleeping and some important safety information.

Half Pint Pixie

On Nursing a Preschooler

When I was preparing for my daughter Ava’s birth, there were a lot of uncertainties about what motherhood would have in store for me, but there was one thing I knew for certain – I would breastfeed. I didn’t have a time limit set on how long I would breastfeed, I just knew I would do it, as my mom had done with me and my siblings.

My daughter Ava is now just three weeks away from her fourth birthday and she is still nursing. I am sometimes conflicted about how I feel about it. After all, it’s not like I began my nursing journey saying, “I want to nurse my child until she’s at least four.” I did, however, believe I wanted my child to wean when she was ready, but I didn’t anticipate how I might feel or what I might do if her idea/time frame of weaning readiness differed from my idea of when I thought she should be ready.

Ava nursed pretty much on demand, or, a phrase I rather prefer, on cue until she was around 2 years old. It was then that I was pregnant with her brother Julian and decided I need to cut back her nursing frequency a bit for my own peace of mind. A few months before Julian’s birth, she was down to nursing once per day (before bed) and that’s pretty much what she’s been doing ever since (for the last year and a half).

A few months ago, I toyed with the idea of weaning her by her fourth birthday, so I threw the suggestion out there to her. At first she seemed amenable to the idea, but has since changed her tune, citing, “But I love mama milk,” which made me smile. And then she also added, “I’m going to nurse until I’m 8!,” which made me shift a little uncomfortably in my seat.

I feel like overall (with the exception of a few difficult months during my pregnancy) we’ve had a great nursing relationship and she’s received so many wonderful benefits – great health, emotional security, bonding with her brother at the breast, etc. – over the past four years. I know it would be bittersweet if she weaned now, but I would feel very good about what I’ve been able to give her, as well as what she’s been able to give me. However, I don’t think she’s ready yet and, as much as I’d like to just be nursing one child again, I don’t think I am going to insist that she wean. I may still make suggestions and talk up the very rare occasions that she goes to sleep without having “na-na” by telling her how proud I am and what a big girl she is, but, for now, I think that’s as far as I’m going to take it. When all is said and done, I really do want her to be able to decide when she is done.

Ava, almost 4 yrs oldI didn’t set out to nurse a preschooler, but somehow along the way, my sweet little baby grew from an infant to a toddler and eventually blossomed into a preschooler in what now seems like the blink of an eye. I am confident this won’t go on forever and when I look back on this time when she’s 10 or 20 or 30, and I look at the young woman she’s become, I am hopeful that I will feel good about the choices I made and have no regrets.

Amy @ Crunchy Domestic Goddess