APtly Said – Page 117

The “I” in AP

I like that I have a constant reminder with API of the “I” in AP. Let me explain.

I have a hard time slowing down. There are so many things that “need” to be done and I am constantly wondering if I am doing the best for my child, if we are spending enough time together (pretty silly for a SAHM don’t you think? But you are getting an inside look at my crazy mind). I have even wondered if I wasn’t doing a good enough job because I don’t have scheduled play times. There always seems to be something that I can beat myself up about or worry that I am not doing well enough or something else that needs to be done. There is a never ending supply of things to clean, organize, pick up. etc. And then since we have made the choice to AP, my son’s needs and even many of his wants come before chores. We have set it up that way.

And where does this leave the “I”? I have noticed that if I do not take the time for the “I” that the AP does not happen very well. If I don’t take time to do some things for me, if I don’t take the time to “take care of myself” then very quickly AP becomes a difficulty instead of a joy.

SO, I have made a short list today of “I” things that need to happen for me to be “OK”, now these don’t have to happen every day, though I do better if some of them happen either every day or every few days. These things vary for every one of us this is just my “I” list, it is in no particular order.

1. I need a date with hubby alone once a month.
2. I need to exercise.
3. I need to write.
4. I need to read.
5. I need to have sex.
6. I need to eat (healthy).
7. I need some me alone time.
8. I need a clean house.

These are some of the more important things that I could come up with. Now these do not involve my mini man, not because he is not important but because these things need to happen so that I can be fully present and enjoy the togetherness that we get to share every day.

Now I know that it might be daunting to try to find time for any of this. But I have found out a few things that work for me to ensure that I get some of this time.

Do not use nap time to run around doing a bunch of different things. Pick a cleaning or organizing or laundry project, get it started or finish it up, make sure it isn’t a huge job, and then spend some time doing on of the “I” items.
Stay up later. My hubby has a very early morning job so he ends up going to bed early, I spend some time with him before he goes to sleep and then I stay up for an hour or to doing the “I” items.
Have hubby put the little one to bed. This works out great for us so that I can make sure and get some exercise time.
We set a date night and stick with it.

These are just a few things, mostly to be able to spark some of your own creativity. I know that it can be difficult, I am sure even more so with more children! But it is essential that as we read the articles at API that we remember that without an “I” there is no AP.

Getting Out with a Baby

Having your first baby is a huge adjustment. In a very short time period you go from a young child-free working woman to being alone at home with only an infant for company. For many of us it’s the first time we’ve even held a baby this small, and now we’re solely responsible for keeping the wee bundle alive. It’s sort of mind-blowing if you think about it.

I spent most of my early days with my firstborn Hannah breastfeeding. She would sometimes nurse for 45 minutes or more, so I fed her on the couch while I watched TV. A high point of my day was visiting the bathroom by myself or having two free hands to eat. It was amazing to be totally at the mercy of my baby. I lived and died by her whims (or my best guess as to her whims) in spite of how completely defenseless she was.

I realized very early on in parenting that I had two choices. I could spend my days at home alone watching reruns and feeling sorry for myself. Or I could get out of the house and find someone, anyone, to talk to. Someone who could understand how my world had been totally upended and why I sometimes secretly wondered if was even cut out for motherhood. Given those two options, I chose to get out of the house.

I went online and searched out activities. Pretty soon I set up an informal routine that had me doing something almost every day of the week. We went to library baby time, mom and baby yoga, strollerobics, swimming lessons, church, La Leche League, and community mom-and-baby groups. We went on playdates with much older kids, and visited friends almost any time we were asked. I seized almost any reason to get out of the house and interact with others.

It saved my sanity, it really did. I was still sleep-deprived and unkempt, but I was no longer alone. It wasn’t always easy for me to get myself out the door, and it didn’t come all that naturally to cultivate new relationships. New moms are sort of like 13-year-olds at a school dance. We all want to get out on the floor, but no one really wants to make the first move, so we end up stuck on the sidelines looking at each other. Which is why I think playgroups help, because they provide a low-risk way to interact and meet people.

I still feel like playgroups are saving my sanity 4 1/2 years later. I’ve made some really great friends and cultivated a fabulous support network. I feel like I have more balance in my life – that I’m meeting my own needs along with my children’s needs. I believe we are all the happier for it.

Amber’s daughter Hannah is now 4 1/2 and joined by her 13-month-old brother, Jacob. You can read more of their adventures at Strocel.com.

AP Month 2009 Blog Carnival of Growth

Happy Attachment Parenting Month! “Attached at the Heart Through the Years” is the theme for AP Month 2009 and a statement that healthy, secure attachments between parents and children is a dynamic process that extends throughout childhood that extends beyond infancy. During AP Month 2009, parents are challenged to re-examine their daily activities and traditions and learn new ways to grow with each other and remain close and supportive.

API Speaks would like to reflect on, and demonstrate how, we (as parents) remained and will remain “Attached at the Heart Through the Years” and one way we’re going to do that is with an Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival.

To participate in the carnival, submit a post on one or more of the following topics as we celebrate growth:

Ways in which you’ve flexed through tough transition periods
Ways in which your routines and traditions have subtly or dramatically changed to accommodate your child’s growth and maturity
Challenges you’ve faced as your child grew that you never expected and how you resolved them
Ways in which you’ve grown as a parent

To participate, simply publish a post on one of the previous topics to your blog with the following text:

This post is part of the Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International. Learn more about how you can stay “Attached at the Heart Through the Years” by visiting API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International.

Once your post is completed, please send an email with a link to your AP Month post to moderator AT attachmentparenting DOT org. Submissions will be accepted until Wednesday, October 14 at noon PDT. API Speaks will then link to your post on Monday, October 19. We may publish multiple posts, depending on how many submissions are received.

If you do not have a blog, but would like to submit a guest post for AP Month, please contact me at the email address above.

Following the Principles: Use Nurturing Touch

Part 4 of a series of 8: Carrying our little LF#5 (Loin Fruit Number Five) in my body is the ultimate in nurturing touch. A tiny body wrapped up inside of mine. Bouncing. Rolling. Rocking. Swaying. Swirling. Surrounded by warmth. We are hoping to have another gentle homebirth for our new little one . We will enjoy our Babymoon as long as we can, remaining in bed and nursing for 2-3 weeks while my body heals. Of course we have made preparations (as much as anyone can prepare for the unknown at any rate) in case of an emergency need to transfer our care to a hospital and are prepared to do whatever it takes to make even the most medicalized situation a high-touch, high-compassion one. No matter what happens with our pregnancy and birth, we know that we are committed to our attached and connected parenting principles. We trust that our new baby will be lovingly connected to our family even if that means finding new ways to apply the attachment parenting principles to whatever circumstances LF#5 is welcomed into the world under.

A Rare Moment: Everyone together! T-Bird, Sir Hubby, Bug, Brent, Ella

But what about the rest of us? We are already dealing with situations which are challenging our ability to stay connected. It seems as if the past few months could be defined by one word: Distance. Distance keeps our family apart while Sir Hubby attempts to balance his business, his father’s health, and our family. Distance has my son several hours away at college. Our older girls are both at ages where they are pulling away (in healthy ways) to explore independence, self-directed learning, and social pursuits without holding our hands. But the biggest distance I feel is the one between my little T-Bird and I. Continue reading “Following the Principles: Use Nurturing Touch”

International Babywearing Week 2009

This week is International Babywearing Week 2009. My posts over the next week will, no doubt, be mostly related to babywearing, it’s benefits for both baby and wearer, and how to do it.

What is babywearing?

From http://babywearinginternational.org:

Babywearing simply means holding or carrying a baby or young child using a baby carrier. Holding babies is natural and universal; baby carriers make it easier and more comfortable, allowing parents and caregivers to hold or carry their children while attending to the daily tasks of living. Babywearing helps a new dad put a fussy newborn to sleep. It allows a new mom use both hands to make a sandwich. It lets an experienced parent or caregiver carry a baby on her back and wash the dishes, do the laundry, take a hike, weed the garden … all while keeping the baby safe and content

From Wikipedia:

Babywearing is the practice of wearing or carrying a baby or child in a sling or other form of carrier. Babywearing is far from new and has been practised for centuries around the world. In the industrialized world, babywearing has gained popularity in recent decades, partly under influence of advocates of attachment parenting; however, not all parents who babywear consider themselves attachment parents. Babywearing is a form of baby transport.

A one-minute introduction to babywearing:

Attachment Parenting International would like to thank Amanda from The Sour B for her guest post in honor of International Babywearing Week 2009.

Why AP?

This post addresses a sensitive topic, and therefore might generate some strong emotions.

I am a very vocal advocate of attachment parenting and the consequences that impact our lives if we choose not to fully attach to, and be attached to by, our children.

As I sit holding my 14 1/2 month old son, he turns and gives me his slobbery kisses. As I read about ways to guide him, to use discipline gently as he is learning to throw fits, and how he has somehow figured out how to hit (how do they learn that?) I am in continual awe of the attachment between us. It is something tangible. It was forged as we walked through pregnancy together and “talked” to each other. Forged as we birthed together and were carried through the ring of fire, as we slept together, ate together, and continue on this lifelong learning adventure together. We are like stem and leaf, firmly attached and yet at the same time not restricted or restrained by it, but it has made us free to grow. Continue reading “Why AP?”

The long-term goal

I was browsing my birth board on a site where I have visited since I found out I was pregnant back in the summer of ’07. One of the titles caught my eye, it read something like this “AP parents are you sorry that you did it? I AM!” the rest of the post read more or less the same. The writer was sorry that she had ever practiced APing. She states that she has a “monster” on her hands (at just 15 months old) and that it is the fault of APing, the fault of breastfeeding, baby wearing, non-CIO, and responding quickly to her child. She stated that “they” (other people, friends, doctor etc.) had said this was the “best” way to do things and now it was backfiring, and she is angry. Continue reading “The long-term goal”

Breastfed Babies and The Growth Chart

I am not a large person. At 5 foot 8, I’m taller than average, but I’ve always been a healthy size and my weight gain during both my pregnancies was well within the range recommended by my doctor. My husband isn’t a big guy either.

So it was no surprise to me that both kids seemed to follow those same growth trends. Both were the same size at birth, just over seven pounds. My daughter was an ounce heavier and an inch shorter. Both were healthy. I was happy. So why were so many others concerned with their size, or lack of it?

Among the many comments I heard from mostly strangers were:

“Is your pediatrician okay with you breastfeeding?” (Of course she was.)

“When are you going to stop breastfeeding?” (None of your business.)

“Wow, my baby is the same age and he’s much bigger-was he premature?” (No, actually he was born on his due date. And hey, guess what, it’s not a contest.)

“If you give her some formula, she’ll grow more.” (Actually, she’s growing just fine, thanks.)

I got to be pretty good at brushing off the comments and ignoring the unwanted advice, but the more I looked into it, the more stories I heard about parents of breastfed babies being hassled by family members, strangers or even their own doctors about the lack of “adequate” weight gain, regardless of the size of the parents or the health of the child. Why, in the face of a childhood obesity epidemic, does bigger continue to equate with better? Why are growth charts considered to be the number one indication of a child’s health, rather than just one tool of many to assess wellness?

Consider the following:

**Ounce for ounce, breast milk contains far more naturally occurring ingredients than cow’s milk-based formula does. According to Dr. Sears, when vitamins and minerals are added to formula to compensate, it makes it harder to digest. Breastfed babies generally need to eat more often because of the easier digestibility of breast milk.
**A 1992 study at UC Davis showed that breastfed babies tend to be leaner than formula fed babies. Specifically, while weight gain for each group was similar, the breastfed babies had a lower weight for length ratio.
**Many doctors in the USA are still using the charts from 1977, which are based on decades of measurements of actual children, most of whom were formula fed. The CDC updated the US growth charts in 2000, and these charts can be used to track the growth of exclusively breastfed infants, but don’t take into account how breastfed babies tend to grow. In 2006, the WHO published growth charts that represent healthy breastfed babies, but many doctors don’t use them.

While both my kids are at the bottom of the US growth charts, they score significantly higher on the WHO charts. In addition, while small, both mostly stayed on the same growth trajectory as they got older. While my son did have a milk protein allergy, removing any traces of milk from his diet fixed his symptoms. And two years later when my daughter was born and she grew in almost the exact same way her brother did, without a milk protein allergy to complicate or slow things down, I didn’t worry. She was healthy, and was just growing the way her genes had programmed her to do.

Still, I wondered. Are breastfed babies doomed to be the shorter members of their classes, simply because of how their mother’s choose to feed them? Out of curiosity, I posted a poll on my personal blog, titled “How Large or Small Were Your Children On The Growth Chart?” 30 people voted and the results looked like this.

I breastfed and my babies were smaller than average. (5/30-16%)
I breastfed and my babies were larger than average. (11/30-36%)
I breastfed and my babies were average size. (8/30-26%)
I formula fed and my babies were smaller than average. (1/30-3%)
I formula fed and my babies were larger than average. (4/30-13%)
I formula fed and my babies were average size. (3/30-10%)

I didn’t know what to expect from the poll, but the results show one thing candidly–babies come in all shapes, sizes and weights, regardless of how they are fed. Yes, both my children were little, but it wasn’t because they were breastfed or because there was anything wrong with my breast milk.

Both kids are older now, and they remain small. My almost three year old is a twenty-five pound bundle of energy that eats anything that doesn’t eat her first. At my son’s recent five-year well child visit, his BMI categorized him as underweight, but his pediatrician isn’t concerned. He did gain both weight and height over the past year, is rarely sick, is meeting or exceeding his milestones. He’s just on the skinny side–just like his dad, his grandfather and other assorted male family members.

How about you? How were your breastfed babies sized, and did anyone hassle you about it?