APtly Said – Page 101

Sibling Cooperation

My kids are eight years old and five years old, and for the most part, I like to stay out of the their arguments. Personally, I think there is greater skill to be gained by learning to work out disagreements and learn to cooperate than by me stepping in to solve everything.

That being said, I don’t just leave the kids out to the wolves; my goal has been to give them the tools they need to solve disagreements on their own in a way that’s fair to both of them. (The fantastic book Siblings Without Rivalry was a great help to me in negotiating the potential trials of parenting siblings!)

I’ll make observations, (“Wow, this is a big problem! Brother wants to use the red marker, and Sister wants to use it too!”) I’ll listen to both sides of the story, (“Okay, I’ll listen to Sister first, and then when she’s done telling me all she wants to say about it, I’ll listen to Brother.”) and then I’ll leave them to it. (“This is a big problem, but I’m confident the two of you can work it out in a way that’s fair to both of you.”)

To be honest, saying the bit about “…that’s fair to both of you” seems to be a reminder to my kids that they need to cooperate.

There are a few rules I follow:

1.) If one person personally owns something that the other person wants to use, the owner always gets the final answer. (“Sister, so you want to listen to one of your brother’s cd’s, but you, Brother, says she can’t use it. It’s your choice, Brother, because it’s yours, and if you both want to work something out, it’s between the two of you.” In this case, it seems as long as I acknowledge and support the ownership of the item, then the owner is much more willing to share. I never demand the kids share personally owned items.)

2.) Physically hurting each other is not allowed, and I would immediately step in and separate them. Fortunately, my kids never really had a problem with this, so it never really comes up. In fact, the last time I had to deal with this was several years ago.

3.) If a problem is so big that they need help, I help them brainstorm different ideas. But I do not make the final choice. This I think, teaches them more than anything else, how to solve their own problems. Brainstorming involves asking both of them for ideas to solve the problem, and I write down every single idea that’s spoken. Silly or ridiculous or feasible. Then it’s up to the kids to choose the best idea and to implement it. I’ve done this so often over the years that the kids brainstorm all by themselves now, and come up with their own solutions.

An example of this is bathtime. The kids still bathe together. (Neither one has asked for their own bath, which would immediately be honored.) However, both kids like to sit up front where the water’s deeper and warmer! It got to be too much of a hassle at bathtime determining which one got to sit up front, so I told the kids that we need a better way to make the determination.

The kids talked about it, and came up with a surprisingly fair solution. If I could print out a monthly calendar, Brother would fill in each day with alternating the first initial of their names to indicate which person got to sit up front during bath. Then Sister would mark off each day by putting a sticker on the calendar each evening.

I was impressed. This was a big problem, and they came up with a solution that’s fair to both of them.

They’ve been doing this for about four months, and it’s worked perfectly! They both follow the schedule because they both came up with it. All I have to do is print out a calendar at the beginning of each month, and they take care of the rest.

The reason this is on my mind is because they found another use for the calendar a couple of days ago. I just recently set up an account for my daughter on my computer. My son has had one for a few years. The rule is they can use the computer just on weekends. However, with two kids now wanting turns instead of just one, I began to wonder what would happen.

I left the room for about a half hour, and then came back in. My daughter announced they they talked about that very problem and what they could do. They’re going to use the bath calendar, and whoever’s name is on the calendar gets to use the computer first. It works out well since the weekend days on the calendar alternate as well.

They discovered the problem themselves (“How will we decide who gets to use the computer first?”) and they talked it over and came up with a plan! And this was all before I had even voiced anything at all about it!

The kids then told me that it was my five-year-old daughter who came up with the idea of using the bath calendar for computer time as well!

I’m so pleased that they’re solving problems entirely on their own!

What are some other ways to foster cooperation between siblings?

photo credit: Joyseph

Beyond Babyhood: The Joy of Mothering Toddlers to Teens

I’m anxious to see the documentary “Babies” (see clip below), that chronicles the first year in the lives of four babies from across the globe. However, I can’t help but wish that the producers would follow up with a sequel, “Toddlers.” And of course, “Teens” would also be an interesting film.

(In case you haven\’t seen it, here’s the Babies documentary promo.)

I’m still surprised by how frequently new moms express a fear of parenting a toddler; sometimes openly critical of other moms with older children. I see it in the blogosphere over and over. All this judgment coming from parents who are used to observing a contented baby cooing in a baby carrier. I can only smile and nod, while silently praying, “Give strength to this mother, Lord, because she will certainly need it!”

I have definitely struggled to let go of the baby years; I was pregnant with my second child shortly after the first started to walk. And while I will always love being around babies, I’ve also embraced the joy of each passing milestone. This week, my five-year-old daughter lost her first tooth. I shared her pride and happiness, despite my memories of rocking her when she was teething. My seven-year-old girl watched in awe as an older girl got her ears pierced; asking again when she can do this. (Not before age 10, which will be here before I know it.) And I’m not afraid to admit that I will be incredibly grateful to be done with the diaper phase!

MOM DARE: For moms who are still at the beginning of this journey, your challenge this week is to imagine your baby as a toddler, a preschooler and beyond (as far as you can fathom). What will you miss and what will you be happy to put behind you? Conjure up that first moment when your child hugs your neck and proclaims, “I wub you.” And most of all, I urge you to practice patience and tolerance of moms who are mothering children at different stages than your own. If you’re a mom who has moved beyond the baby years, take some time this week to look back on that first magical year with each of your children. Look through some old photos or baby books. Sometimes during a rough phase in parenting, it helps to remember your child as that toothless, cooing bundle of love.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 7. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. Visit her at www.babylovecarebook.com.

If Spanking Does Not Work in the Long-Term, Why Start Spanking at All?

Kieran 1 Hypothetically speaking, let’s pretend there is a parenting practice with the following attributes:

while it usually results in immediate compliance, it is generally ineffective in modifying longer-term behavior (it is even ineffective from hour to hour or day to day);
it causes strain on the parent/child relationship; and
it can only be used for a few years of the child’s life, outside of those few years it is totally ineffective and/or inappropriate.

What, exactly, is attractive about that? Yes, there is that immediate compliance, but if the parenting practice doesn’t even result in changed behavior an hour later, why waste the effort?

Why not try something that actually works?

Part of the post “Undermining General Beliefs About Corporal Punishment” has stuck with me since I read it during the Carnival of Gentle Discipline. In the post, the author discussed the arbitrary lines drawn between “spanking” and “abuse,” as well as the rationales given for corporal punishment.

The part I keep coming back to is the general consensus that there is an age range in which it is “appropriate” to spank. According to the “experts” (and the spanking parents who discuss these things online), you should not spank babies younger than about 15-18 months, and you should not spank children past the age of 7 years. (1)

If you know that the “solution” of spanking is only a short-term “fix,” why do it at all? If spanking is one of your parenting tools, you will eventually have to toss it out of your toolbox. What will you do after it is no longer appropriate to threaten your child physically?

How will you relate to your kids when the threat of spanking no longer hangs over their heads?

Even if we ignore the many negative long-term effects of spanking, it simply makes no sense to rely on a method of discipline that will only work for a few short years. “Lasting authority cannot be based on fear[,]” so where will your authority lie after your children no longer fear your hand or your belt? (2)

Instead of creating a parent/child relationship based on fear and mistrust – as spanking often does – it is healthier and more effective in the long run to create a relationship based on trust and respect. Gentle discipline and playful parenting techniques are healthy and effective tools that work from toddlerhood through the teenage years.

What’s more, those few years that parents are “allowed” to spank are also the years that our children are forming lasting mental impressions of us.

Would you rather your child form an impression of trust, or of fear?

_______________________

(1) I choose not to link to any of these “experts” or discussion boards because I do not want to contribute to their traffic/Pagerank. If you’re interested, I’m sure you can find several sites to this effect on Google.
(2) Ask Dr. Sears, “10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child”

Time for Friends

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Last night I got a glimpse of my parenting future.

Elia was out with friends riding bikes around the neighborhood. We had worked out a plan as to where she could go, and what time to be home, but it was nevertheless HARD to send her out there with only her friends for guidance. Fast forward about 10 years and substitute the bikes with cars, the neighborhood with the whole city, the playgrounds with cool hangout spots, and the elementary school friends with high school friends.

Right now, this custom of hanging out with friends is new to both her and I, and I’m not sure I’m feeling entirely welcoming. OK, I know I’m not. I am just not in love with the new position of importance friends have taken in her life. I don’t love that when she sees friends riding their bikes outside or playing at the playground across the street, there is suddenly someone more important than me. When she hears voices outside, she will fervently jump up from the couch, out of the crook of my arm, abandoning our book in mid-sentence, the words spilling out of her mouth, “Can I go play with my friends?”

Oh.

As her life begins to shift from “mom-is-my-everything” to…well, “mom-is-not-my-everything”, she has new preferences and new interests. I am seeing her friends’ mannerisms, quirks, voices, and word choices in her. Their influence is visible, which is quite a shift from up until now, only seeing my own influence in her.

As she is still young, this is just the beginning of The Age of Friends but I’m well aware that over the years, friends will take more precedence in both my children’s lives. And the changes are permanent! We’ll never go back to the days when Elia’s needs were so simple (easy? not at all…but simple, yes). Our days are no longer about cuddling, reading, sleeping, eating & exploring the wonders of life together. Our relationship will never go back to me being her everything anymore.

Gordon Neufeld’s book, Hold On To Your Kids has new meaning for me now. I read the book and loved it when my kids were infants; it is one of 4 books that I consider to be “cornerstones” for positive parenting. Now, as Elia gets older, it becomes more difficult to Hold On, and this has honestly taken me by surprise! When she was little, I felt so securely attached, so genuinely connected to her. I couldn’t imagine one of us without the other. Now that she has friends in her life, the Hold I have is weakening. I see a future in which Elia and I don’t snuggle every chance we get, and she doesn’t want me to read to her anymore. One in which she prefers to go places and do things by herself, and she doesn’t need me to hold her hand. One in which she has more in common with her friends than she does with me, and prefers their company to mine.

Now is when AP becomes more of an effort for me. The infant techniques were very instinctual, whereas now that friends are entering the picture, I have to find new ways to Hold On. We’ve had family meetings to discuss concerns about spending time with friends and to work out a plan to set some guidelines on friend-time, family-time, and alone-time. I’m polishing my “How to Talk” skills as daily conversations become an important means to maintaining connection. I seek out opportunities to put my arms around her, my hands on her skin, my fingers in her hair. And, probably most importantly, I listen. I listen without judgment using words such as “Hmm”, “Oh yeah?”, “Wow”, “Interesting”, “You did?”, “Uh-huh”, “Ah-ha”, and “That sounds ___.”

And I have to trust that that’s enough to Hold On! I’m not entirely comfortable with this current shift in dynamics and the impending presence of friends in my daughter’s life, but I think our family’s relationships and our new roles in them will reestablish themselves soon. In the meantime, I have a renewed appreciation for these last moments of my kids’ early years. I am going to cuddle them as often as I can and hold them tight, for although experienced parents have warned me, I am now, more than ever, realizing that this opportunity certainly doesn’t last.

Kelly is an API Leader and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor in Portland, Oregon. She blogs at Parenting From Scratch.

Healthy boundaries

At our home there is a continual rotation of people. We have interns in and out pretty much all year round. Most of these people are temporary, staying anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months with us. Just recently we had a young man, the brother of my brother in law, stay with us for a prolonged period of time. He recently left for school. He and my son had been quite close. My son had not shown much distress in the first couple of days or weeks of this young man leaving. In truth I thought he had pretty much forgotten all about him. Turns out I was in for a bit of a shock. A week ago we went to pick up a few new interns. When I returned home with them my son started asking for this young man. He quickly escalated from asking for him and then crying for him; very soon he was in a state of semi-hysteria. I was shocked. He was inconsolable. I ended up calling the young man on the phone and having my son talk to him. That did the trick. He calmed down and hasn’t asked for him since.

All this time I did not know that my son was dealing with grief in some way. I have spent this last week coming up with ways that my son is able to interact with the interns that are in our home and sharing our lives and yet creating healthy and firm boundaries.

My son is not at an age where he can understand why people are coming and going but I am able to create an atmosphere in which he can learn to attach himself to people and yet do so in a way that when they leave it will not bring on the large amounts of grief demonstrated earlier this week.

One of the biggest difficulties I have experienced with the interns is that they want to become close with my child even though they will not be staying for a long period of time. They want something more than just friendliness from my son. They want a firm attachment. I have recently had to step up and remind these young people that they will not be staying and that for the sake of my son it is good for them to be friendly and to enjoy each other but to create a deep bond is not with my child is not what they are here for. People love for children to be affectionate and most people even like it when a child expresses distress when they leave even though that child is not theirs, not realizing that their gratification is costing that child.

My job as I see it this summer is to help my son create healthy boundaries with people while still enjoying their company.

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.

Photo from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vizzzual-dot-com/2226095398/

API’s Use Nurturing Touch and Safe Sleep Blog Carnival

Welcome to the latest installment of the Attachment Parenting International Principles of Parenting blog carnival. This month’s carnival will cover API’s 4th and 5th Principles of Parenting – Use Nurturing Touch and Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally. If you’re interested in participating in a future carnival, please visit the API Blog Carnival Schedule for more details.

The Importance of Infant Massage
Guest Post for API Speaks by Barbara Nicholson

The mothers of India have given the world one of the most important parenting tools known to humanity: infant massage. It is probably hard to imagine raising a baby without this gentle, everyday experience, but in some western cultures (particularly the U.S.) it is just being discovered!

A Mother’s Kiss
Living Peacefully with Children

When we were expecting our first child, I bought the requisite newborn hats. Afterall, every new baby needed hats to keep their little head warm. When our son was born, instinct kicked in. As I brought him to my chest to snuggle him close, my head automatically dipped, taking in his new baby smell and kissing the top of his wet little head.

Our Nighttime Nurturing
Maman A Droit

For a while, Baby thought 2:30 AM was playtime. It’s our fault really. For one thing, Hubby often stayed up that late doing grad school homework last semester. It also then worked out that staying up until 3 AM meant Baby slept during the day while Daddy was gone, and played while Daddy was home to admire all his tricks.

Reconnection
Picklebums

We parent our children to sleep…. all of them, even the six year olds who don’t necessarily need us to. For all three kids it seems bed time is the time to catch up on closeness.

Where the Baby Sleeps
Living Peacefully with Children

“Good. That’s where babies should be – snuggled with their mamas. Babies need to stay with their mothers in order to stay warm and keep breathing, and so they remember to nurse throughout the night.” This was what had been passed down to her through generations of women.

Frequently Asked Questions About Sleeping With Your Baby
Baby Dust Diaries

I often get asked the same questions about our Family Bed. Aellyn has slept between my husband and I since the day she came home (she also slept in bed with me at the Birth Center – something some hospitals will not allow).

Sleeping Safe and (Psychologically) Sound
Connected Mom

Bedsharing is an ancient concept. Still practiced all over the world, bed sharing has become a subject of controversy in the United States. Often the debate centers around the safety issues regarding bed sharing.

Take Your Kids’ Kisses
mamaTRUE

I recently discovered the Secret Society of Happy People. While I don’t think I have figured out how to walk through life with the requisite joy to become a member, I’m using them as an example in my quest to learn how to be happy.

Ensuring safe sleep – meeting the needs of parents and child
Little Snowflakes

When Dylan was 6 weeks old, I enrolled us in a mom and baby class at a local parenting center. I figured it would be a good way to meet other moms and to force myself to get dressed and out of the house.

Infant Massage: An encounter of love that goes beyond the borders of the body
Guest Post for API Speaks courtesy of Infant Massage USA

A touch, a look, a gesture… are encounters of love where the magic of innocence and candor unite. Mothers, fathers and babies are immersed in an atmosphere of tenderness and simplicity, in which voices, whispers, songs, looks and movements are party to a loving and eternal relationship.

API June Blog Carnival
Journey to the Simple Life

My journey towards co-sleeping began years ago, I think it was a 20/20 special about it. I thought it was odd at the time, boy, how my mind has been changed!

Infant Massage: An encounter of love that goes beyond the borders of the body

The following is a guest post courtesy of Infant Massage USA for API’s Use Nurturing Touch blog carnival.

A touch, a look, a gesture… are encounters of love where the magic of innocence and candor unite. Mothers, fathers and babies are immersed in an atmosphere of tenderness and simplicity, in which voices, whispers, songs, looks and movements are party to a loving and eternal relationship.

It is an instant that will prolong and impregnate the cellular memory of the skin that has been touched in a special way, making that moment unique and repeatable in time and space until the end of life.

Infant massage is the live voice of humanity, of the love for one another, of the complexity of a moment’s intimacy. Its fundamental objective: love, affection and the forming of bonds, so that the children of the world may be loved, valued and respected. Its essence is so noble that beyond all these gifts, it has added value for the cognitive, emotional and psychomotor development of the child.

During the massage the baby’s senses are alert. When she hears the sound that indicates the beginning of the massage, she is able to anticipate the response. The emotion produced by the voices of the mothers and fathers that sing or speak to her are transformed into movement. The aroma of space, mother and father, and of the oil being rubbed on the body, enrich the baby’s sense of smell. The skin, as a medium receptor of sensations and perceptions, activates other mechanisms, always with positive results, which improve or regulate the immune, digestive, respiratory and endocrine systems. The mother’s only objective and interest within her visual field is to make meaningful all that is taking place.

This systematic set of actions will unleash – like the expansive waves of concentric circles made by a pebble thrown into the water – processes of attention, concentration and memory; the capacity to anticipate events, knowledge of her bodily schema and, later, bodily consciousness. A whole that projects a child that is emotionally harmonious and committed, with herself, her family and her society.

Lic. Virginia Latouche de Levy, CIMI/CEIM
Caracas- Venezuela

Baby Top Ten List: What your baby is really trying to tell you

Ah, if only all our mothering moments could look like this. Perhaps it's best if we choose to remember these images of babyhood and not the less happy ones? — Ah, if only all of our parenting moments could look like this. Perhaps it's best if we choose to remember these images of babyhood and not the less happy ones?

Falling in love with your baby is easy, taking care of a fussy baby… not so easy. All that crying really is your baby’s way of communicating. Now, what on earth is he or she trying to say? And why didn’t anyone warn you about this before you had children? Don’t be tempted to call it colic just yet. You can discover what is wrong.

As a first-time mom, I wrote these instructions for my husband so I could take a break. He was always able to figure out our babies’ cries by using this as a checklist. Once your baby is on a consistent routine, you will eliminate a lot of crying and fussiness by meeting needs before they become urgent. In the meantime – if you’re at your wits end – take a deep breath and try each of these until you find the right one.

Ten things your baby is trying to tell you:

Change my position. Or change your position; stand, bounce or sway. (While back sleeping may be considered safest, many babies are uncomfortable sleeping on their backs. Research other safe sleeping positions for fussy babies.)
Burp me. Try different positions, not just on your shoulder.
Feed me. If I’m really hungry, I may resist a bottle at first. And if I’m usually breastfed, I may not take kindly to a bottle. Be gentle but persistent. It also helps to use a wide-mouth bottle with a medium or fast flow. (Fussy babies are often fussy because we are unable to digest cow’s milk in any form; whether in mom’s diet passed through the breast milk or in dairy-based formula… please try eliminating cow’s milk.)
Talk to me and sing to me. Let me know you love me.
Help me sleep. If I won’t look you in the eye, I may be really tired. Take me to a dark, quiet room and rock me to sleep.
Hold me in the “pooping position.” When I’m semi-reclined in your lap, gently push my knees to my chest or rub my belly. Gas drops or Gripe Water may help relieve gas pains.
Check my diaper. Cloth diapers may need to be changed more often than disposables, but disposables are more likely to irritate the skin. If diaper rash is severe and not related to a food allergy; try switching to cloth.
See if I’m too hot or too cold. I probably don’t need a hat, jacket, booties and mittens inside the house.
Swaddle me. I feel more secure when I’m wrapped snug in a blanket.
Hold me. It’s what I love most, and I even produce growth hormones when held. Carry me in a sling or other carrier to make both of us happy.

You will know when you’ve been stricken with baby love. Your heart melts at the sight of one tiny grin and the weight of the world seems to lift at the sound of a contented baby sigh. Caring for a baby is exhausting, sometimes frustrating work, but baby love is fierce … and can inspire you to accomplish anything you can imagine. Keep up the great work, you really can do this, and all these challenging stages will pass long before you are ready to give them up.

Do you have a consistent routine yet? At the very least, get up at the same time every morning and go to bed at the same time every night. You can ease a fussy baby simply by giving them a consistent, loving environment. Crying generally boils down to three basic needs: FOOD, SLEEP and COMFORT. The top ten list addresses all these needs.

Mom Dare: Your challenge this week is to make sure you are meeting your own three basic needs. Are you eating healthy meals at regular intervals, sleeping whenever possible and depending upon someone close to you for moral, spiritual and physical support? Taking care of yourself is the best defense against the frustrations of parenting. So take three things off of your To-Do List and pencil in a nap, a healthy meal and time with someone you love instead.