APtly Said – Page 100

Motherhood’s Magic Mirror

mommasmile — It starts off simply enough. I smile, you smile. Then it gets more complicated.

My daughters had a hard time using the word “please.” I noticed this several years ago, when I was constantly correcting their demands, making them insert the word before I would honor their request. They always said, “Thank you,” just not the “p” word. I remember the moment when I discovered why this phenomenon was occurring and needless to say, it was a head-slapping revelation. I asked my child (about age 4) to do something and she looked at me while asking, “please?” She was correcting my rudeness.

So, I listened in on all my conversations that day. Do I ever use the word? I frequently use the words “thanks” and, “I’m sorry.” I say “you’re welcome” and I always say “I love you” at least twice a day per family member. Somehow I had gotten into the habit of issuing orders without the basic nicety of “please.” It didn’t matter that I was telling my children to always use this word, they were simply mirroring my own behavior. It was so basic. So many trite sayings have formed out of this one constant of human development. Monkey see, monkey do. Do as I say, not as I do. But there it was staring me in the face without me really seeing it.

There are many times in raising children when you need to stop, examine your world through your child’s eyes and ears, and really think about what they are learning from you. Are you telling them not to hit, but spanking them as a form of punishment? Do you raise your voice when angry, but reprimand your child for yelling? (This is one of my uglier problems that I’m still working on.) Do you wish they would interact more with other children, but spend all your time with them instead of making strong connections with other adults?

It’s not easy realizing that your children are so much like you, yet so different. You assume they will only pick up your strengths and excel at the areas you have mastered. In addition to picking up your bad habits, magnifying them and mirroring them back to you like a carnival fun house; children also pick up on your energy. They know when you are tense, sad, angry with your spouse or worried about life. They know instantly when you don’t like someone. Unfortunately, children assume that they are the cause of your negative emotions, not an outside influence. My oldest daughter has the eerie habit of plucking thoughts right out of my head. It happens so often now that I’ve come to accept her ability as yet another reason to focus my thoughts and energy into positive messages.

MOM DARE: Spend this week listening in on your conversations, really hearing yourself the way your child does. Are they imitating you? Can you see how one of their troublesome behaviors could be related to something you have inadvertently taught them? Are you stressed about something and your child is picking up on your anxiety? Try spending a little more time this week reassuring your children that they are doing a good job, that you love them, and that life is truly beautiful. Please.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 8. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. She blogs at http://momswithgrace.wordpress.com and helps new moms at www.babylovecarebook.com

The Days of Our Lives

I had a chat with another mother which is not remarkable in and of itself but apparently our conversation was. At the end of the conversation we were discussing how other parents we had been around did not talk about these types of things. How sometimes they left you with this feeling of guilt and frustration, a feeling of being the lesser parent.

So what was our conversation about? The days of our lives. The toddler days.

Toddler days are filled with wonder and agony. Now this may be fairly dramatic but it seems like that is what a toddler day is: chaos, enjoyment, laughing, and tears (sometimes from both mother and child). We discussed how you are told how things are “supposed” to work and how you are “supposed” to feel and act. We especially got a chuckle out of the whole “take a break” rule; how a mom should “take a break” during an especially difficult toddler moment to think through options and get herself under control. However, the exact difficulty is caused because she can’t possibly take a moment for herself because her toddler is in some sort of screaming crisis. A “break” is exactly what is wanted/needed and a break is exactly what we aren’t going to get.
Continue reading “The Days of Our Lives”

Involving Children in Food

I breastfed both of my babies. Once we got the hang of things, it was easy. When they were hungry, or wanted comfort, they nursed. Simple. Then I introduced solid foods, and the world changed. Feeding with love and respect took on new meaning. Food altogether took on new meaning. Suddenly, there was a question of what and how much to offer. Suddenly, I could see exactly how much my child did (or didn’t) eat. And frequently, I worried.

Thankfully, I found a lot of gentle and common-sense wisdom on feeding kids. I realized that just as at the breast, I could trust my children to set their own pace and schedule with solid foods as well. As long as I generally offered them healthy food, I could leave the rest to them.

Even after making this realization, I am still not as zen about my kids’ eating habits as I would like to be. Sometimes when they’re being really picky I still sweat it. And sometimes they really chafe against the healthy options presented. I decided that presenting healthy options wasn’t enough — I needed to get them involved in the food they ate.

After all, I am raising people who will hopefully feed themselves one day. I want them to know where their food comes from. I want them to appreciate the impact of their choices on their own health and the health of the planet. And I want them to have basic food preparation skills. And I think that steps I can take now can help.

I involve my children in food a few ways:

They help me prepare meals. This doesn’t always go smoothly, but most of the time I can find tasks that are age-appropriate and fun. Sticking fruit on skewers, stirring and pouring are 3 favourite food prep activities for my preschoolers.
We work in the garden together. No food tastes better than the food you’ve picked fresh yourself. And growing your own fruit and veggies provides the ideal window into where food actually comes from.
We visit farmer’s markets and buy fresh, local, whole foods. I chat with the growers, sample heirloom tomatoes, and give my kids a window into a world where food doesn’t come in boxes with cartoon characters on the front.
We visit farms. Our home is in the suburbs, so my kids don’t get to see chickens or cows in their daily life. By heading out to the country they can see where their milk and eggs come from, and how the animals live.

By following my children’s own hunger and thirst cues, I am teaching them that I love and respect them. By providing them with healthy options I am trying to ensure that they eat a nutritious and well-balanced diet. And by involving my children in the food that the eat, I’m teaching them that there is a whole lot of backstory to every bite they take. I hope that by knowing that backstory, they will come to appreciate their food much more.

How do you involve your children in their food? I would love to hear!

You can catch up with Amber’s regular adventures in food on her blog at Strocel.com.

If You Can Grow Kids, You Can Grow Anything

"So, this is where garlic bread comes from?" — “So, this is where garlic bread comes from?”

I spent this morning digging up garlic bulbs with my delighted 5-year-old daughter. She shouted every time she brought one out of the earth and into the scorching July sun thanks who Olathe pest control who saved the crops earlier. We stopped at 50 bulbs; both of us hot, dirty and reeking of garlic. It was fun for both of us, but also profound. She loves garlic bread, but never would have imagined this delicious treat could come from under the dirt!

Growing vegetables is more than a hobby for me. Oh sure, I’m geeky enough to take pictures of my garden and post them on Facebook. But farming is part of my past, present and future. I’m the granddaughter of farmers on both sides of my family and have always known where food comes from – both animal and vegetable. For me, growing food is an essential life skill for my children – and if my dreams come true someday – for all children. Just as I teach my girls the alphabet, I also show them how to plant seeds, water and mulch them, and most importantly, how to harvest and prepare the food. What they get from the process is part science lesson, part cooking lesson and part spiritual awakening. Children begin to see the cycle of life in gardening, but issues of life and death are a lot less scary when dealing with plants. Farming also raises the consciousness of children about their food supply. At the age of four, our daughter refused to eat pork when she found out it came from pigs, her favorite animal. This lasted for an entire year with our full support.
Continue reading “If You Can Grow Kids, You Can Grow Anything”

Keeping Your Breast Milk Healthy

Breastfeeding is widely touted as the healthiest way to feed your baby. Each mother’s milk is tailored to her baby’s specific needs. Breast milk is highly digestible and full of maternal antibodies. Breast milk from the source is always warm, never spoils and has never been recalled due to contamination. Some supplements like the ones reviewed at thehealthmania can help you keep your body healthier. As a resident of Buffalo, New York, there is a good chance that you’re going to run into numerous problems from time to time. As you probably realize, you’ll run into a pest problem at some point or another. When that happens, you need to step up to the plate and hit a homerun immediately. If you do not, your bedbug problem is quickly going to escalate and become even far worse. With that being said, you should get in touch with our Pest Control Experts | Bed Bug Exterminator Buffalo firm immediately. We serve residents in Buffalo and the surrounding areas. Plus, we are insured and licensed. When you work with us, you’ll get a great service and the results that you so desperately need.

However, several recent stories in the news have raised concerns about a mother’s influence on the safety of her milk. After a mother was arrested and charged with neglect for breastfeeding her baby while intoxicated, many wondered how much alcohol, if any, is safe while breastfeeding. Then the issue of environmental toxins in breastmilk was brought up after numerous articles about detectable amounts of DDT, PCB’s and other chemicals in breastmilk.

Personally, the articles about chemicals in breastmilk wouldn’t have kept me from breastfeeding. But they do alarm me because they highlight the vast presence of chemicals in our everyday lives, chemicals that we may not be aware of or identify as dangerous. If a nursing mother is passing toxins into her breastmilk, how was she exposed? Was she aware of her exposure? And what can nursing moms do to reduce or eliminate exposure to potentially dangerous chemicals?
Continue reading “Keeping Your Breast Milk Healthy”

Wearing a Toddler

My son Jacob is 22 months old. He loves to run and climb and jump and throw balls and all those things that toddlers do. He is no longer the babe in arms that he was for the first months of my life, carried from place to place by others. Today, he motors under his own steam and heads in his own direction.

I have been practicing babywearing with Jacob since he was a few days old. He is my second child – his big sister Hannah is 3 1/2 years older than he is. Babywearing was one of the tricks in my parenting toolbag that helped me meet the needs of both children. When Jacob was small he was frequently worn in a sling or mei tai as I took Hannah to the library or to the park. He came along for the ride wherever we went and I was like a walking billboard for babywearing.

I still wear Jacob regularly. It’s not the same as when he was little, of course. These days he’s not content to nap on my back while his big sister plays on the playground. He wants to get down and engage with the world. But when he’s having a hard time falling asleep, or when he needs to nap while I do other things, babywearing saves the day. Secure in the carrier he sleeps better than most anywhere else. And I know exactly where he is, and feel confident that he is safe and comfortable.

There are some tricks to wearing a toddler. Having a sturdy baby carrier that will safely bear your child’s weight is always important, but your options change as your child gets bigger. An exuberant toddler can really wiggle, so you have to make sure they’re secure enough that they won’t fall out when they suddenly decide to throw themselves to the left. You’re also working around a much bigger child, not a small bundle curled up in a sling – which is why I usually put Jacob on my back.

Babywearing hasn’t become uncomfortable for me as Jacob’s grown bigger. Sure, carrying 25 extra pounds around can be tiring. I feel it in my legs when I crouch down and stand back up. But with a good carrier that distributes weight well and fits me properly, I don’t find it painful. My back and shoulders don’t hurt, and I am able to wear Jacob far more easily than I could carry him in my arms.

As my daughter Hannah moved through toddlerhood, she drifted away from babywearing and returned several times. Just when I thought we were really and truly done, she’d pull out her favorite carrier and ask me to put her in it. I expect the same thing may happen with Jacob, as well. Some days he may want to walk, some days he may want to be worn, some days he won’t be able to make up his mind. But as long as he needs me and I am able I will be here, ready to wear him.

Have you worn a toddler? How did you make it work – or not? I’d love to hear your tips, tricks and stories!

You can catch up with Amber’s adventures in parenting and babywearing on her blog at Strocel.com.

Chip, Chip, Chip

Last night, I put the kids to bed, poured some wine, popped in a movie and picked up my knitting.

Then I heard it: the awful sound of something, or someone, falling down the stairs. All of them.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!

Sure enough, it was my 3 year old, who had gotten up to ask for a glass of water. By the time I ran over there, she lay at the bottom on the stairs, shrieking.

I picked her up quickly and checked her over. No bruises, eyes clear, no vomiting, no bumps. She was crying and scared, but ok.

And then, it started.

I want Daddy! I want my Daddy now!

My soon-to-be Ex-husband moved out over a month ago, and the transition has been a little difficult for both girls, but especially my 3 yr old. For the first few weeks, she cried for her daddy every night, for hours. Nights were spent holding her, comforting her, and trying to respect the power of the emotions she was feeling.

Every episode was like a chip at my heart. It made me doubt every choice I made, or would be making.

Gradually, she had begun to accept the situation, and things were getting better.

But now she sat on my lap, tears coursing down her cheeks, begging me to call her father and tell him to come home.

Chip.

I hugged her and told her that I understood how she felt, and how it was okay to be sad. I explained that we would call her Daddy in the morning and she could speak to him then. She eventually fell back asleep.

This morning she woke up happy and calm. I asked if she wanted to call her daddy and she shook her head no.

You listened last night Mommy, so now I don’t have to.

Maybe, just maybe, my heart will survive this after all.

Shelly is a WAHM to two girls and a baby boy. You can find her daily at Adventures of a Breastfeeding Mother

When Your Parents Disagree With Your Parenting

I am sure that no matter what parenting style a person chooses, their parents or parents-in-law will disapprove. However, it has been my experience that attachment parenting sometimes gets the least support (and sometime the most upheaval) from the grandparental units.

My grandmother was told that her milk “was just water” and that she would have to formula feed her children. So she did, all 5 of them. And then they grew up and had babies and formula fed them too. Then I came along. I produced the first great-grandchild for my grandparents and the first grandchild for my parents. When we told everyone we were expecting there was undiluted joy. Not that baby is here, 10 months old, and still breastfeeding that joy has been tainted. When my husband, son, and I travel across the country to visit them I am expected to go into the other room to nurse my son (with the door shut and preferably locked). I am expected to tell my smaller cousins that he drinks formula but they can’t help feed him because he will only drink if I hold the bottle in a quiet room. It is assumed that I am weak-willed because the only way a 10 month old would be nursing is if I can’t “make him give it up cold turkey” (the idea that I actually enjoy nursing is totally inconceivable). I have answered the question “Are you ever going to wean him?” so many times that now I just say “I think we might have issues when he goes to college.” I have seriously considered not going home for the holidays this year because I feel like I am defending my decision to breastfeed constantly and not enjoying my family. (I also have to defend my decision not to feed my infant son soda and Oreos, but that’s another post.) Not to mention the last conversation with my mother ended like this:

Her: Are you still nursing my baby?

Me: If by your baby you mean my son, then yes we are still breastfeeding.

Her: Well, he’ll be a year old soon and then you’ll HAVE to stop nursing him.

Me: Why?

Her: Well, you don’t want him to grow up to be a child molester, or gay, or be in therapy for all of his adult life.

Me: Goodbye mother. <click>

It seems sort of unbelievable that people could be against breastfeeding of all things. Doesn’t my mom want the best possible nutrition for her perfect-besides-the-crazy-parents grandson? I can’t even get into the ridiculousness and lack of support surrounding cosleeping and being adamantly against spanking. And all of a sudden my decision to share a beautiful and nurturing experience like breastfeeding with my son has become gossip to my family. They are planning an ‘intervention’ if (and by that I mean when) I continue breastfeeding past his first birthday.

I have no idea how to navigate this minefield. On one hand I want my son to be close with his extended family, but on the other hand I want to just sever contact and not deal with the drama.

I have heard and witnessed many similar situations. Are your parents supportive of your parenting decisions? How do you deal with family who is outspokenly against attachment parenting? What is it about attachment parenting that gets people so worked up?

Alissa writes at A New History where she blogs about the challenge of authentic living with her husband, Levi and 10 month old son, Solomon.