API Reads – Page 2

Mindfully balancing freedom and boundaries to nurture our children

If you asked me in my teens and early 20s what it was I desired most, I would probably have told you it’s this easygoing feeling of freedom, of lightheartedness, of non-restrictedness. Freedom to go wherever I want to, to move around freely, to do, say, think, and feel whatever I want to… I never liked being told what to do.

Rules? Boundaries? Structure? The less, the better — so I thought…

Fast-forward a little over a decade: I am a mom of an 8-year-old girl. I am a child psychologist. I am a mindfulness teacher. I am a Strala Yoga guide and so much more — and all of these parts of my life have taught me a lesson or two about freedom.

When I became a mom, I naturally wished for my daughter to experience this feeling of freedom herself — freedom of choice, freedom to develop her own sense of self, her own will, her own talents, her own style of doing things, from the smallest to the biggest thing, one of the first things I struggled beside the breastfeeding was the going back to work and feeling like I left him, But for that time I got him his favorite stuffed toy, which he still carries with him, it gives children security and comfort.

And so far, I believe things are going pretty well most of the time.

However, of course, there were and will always be bumps in the road, and challenges — big and small. Alongside my growing daughter, I have learned how the need for and the experience of freedom changes over the course of a child’s development. I also grew to understand how healthy, mindful boundaries can be helpful — not merely limiting — in setting up this framework of a safe space, which in turn encourages and enables the growing child to experience, explore, and enjoy his or her freedom.

Here are 2 reflections on freedom and boundaries, and how to mindfully approach these in a way that conforms to your child’s and your own unique needs as they present themselves in this very moment:

1) Kids need healthy, age-appropriate boundaries in order to be able to experience a sense of freedom and develop their own sense of self, including their own will.

Ever stood in front of an open closet stuffed to the brim with kids’ clothes of all colors and styles, asking your toddler what she wants to wear today? Yup. I know. I have. It’s mayhem — stress for the mom and stress for the toddler. However, telling that same toddler that she will have to wear exactly xyz today might result in a big tantrum. Why? Because said toddler finds herself going through an important developmental phase where she is experiencing and developing a sense of self, including her own will.

What’s a mindful way to go that caters to your child’s wish for some freedom of choice, her developmental stage, and your wish for giving your child space and freedom while at the same time preserving your sanity?

This might look like laying out two weather-appropriate outfits for your toddler — without even giving her a glimpse of that fully equipped closet filled with those gazillion choices — and asking her which one she prefers to wear today. Consequence: A happy, proud toddler who got to make her own choice — and a happy mom, with a content toddler fully dressed within minutes.

2) What these boundaries look like will change from moment to moment and over time.

Your teenager will not be as content as said toddler if you lay out two outfits for school in the morning and ask her to choose one. The same applies for other choices and rules like how long my child is allowed to play outside in the evenings, when is a suitable bedtime, how far from home my child is allowed to go, when she can play with her peers, and so on.

As parents, we are constantly challenged to find and establish a framework of healthy boundaries and rules for our family. Ideally, this would involve allowing all members of our family to experience a sense of individual freedom and self-efficacy while also experiencing the equally important sense of belonging to our loved ones — especially our immediate family — and the comforting feeling of being held and contained within this safe structure.

Being mindful and ever curious about our children’s needs and their individual development, being well-informed about children’s developmental stages, and being aware of our own reactions to these needs will help us figure out how to navigate — moment by moment — as we move through this wonderful, exciting lifelong parenting journey.

Connecting through creativity and art

Doing art projects and other creative activities with my kids is something that’s very important to me. As a child, I always disliked Art Class because I knew I wasn’t very good at art, but starting when my oldest son was 2, I wanted to make art a part of his life. I wanted to let it be something he could enjoy, whether or not he was good at it.

Over the last few years, art has been a way for us to connect, have fun, and learn.

Allowing children opportunities to create their own art is a wonderful way to help instill creativity and confidence. It can also provide sensory experiences, fine motor activities, and chances to learn about different styles of art.

To first get started with art activities, I spent some time walking around a craft store and selecting items that either seemed like the basics (paint, markers, and glue) or like they’d be really fun (googly eyes and pompoms). While I was there, I also picked up some 5d diamond painting kits for myself to break my hiatus and resume my painting hobby. I also got project ideas from the many blogs dedicated to toddler and preschool art.

Our activities have been very different based on my children’s ages. When my son was 2 and we were just starting, we did a lot of finger painting, sensory activities with things like rice and oatmeal, and water play with cups, bowls, and spoons. As a preschooler, he experimented with painting with strange objects like ribbons and flowers, and we explored some famous artists. I loved painting of few artists and also decided to hung it at my home for him, so after seeing painting he can get more interest into painting. I decided to get a Pet paint by visiting the custom painting online. Now that he’s 6, we’ve been getting art books from the library for him to select project ideas from, and he’ll help pick out art supplies that he wants to use.

We both try our best to remember that it’s about having fun, not about having a perfect finished product.

When my second and third children were born, I found ways to get them involved in art at an earlier age. I found baby-friendly activities, such as filling a container with colorful tissue paper or a variety of fabric scraps with different textures, and placing paint and a paper inside a sealed plastic bag for them to smoosh around and make their first paintings — completely mess-free.

For us, art has been one way to connect. After my second child was born, it was also a way to have some much-needed one-on-one time with my oldest son while his baby brother was napping. For other families, there may be different but equally fulfilling ways of achieving this, if art isn’t interesting to you or it’s not something you can make time for right now. It’s important to explore and find your own ways of connection.

Kids, Parents, Power Struggles: Ch 2

We are on Chapter 2 of “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” which talks about Emotion Coaching, a very important connection tool for your child. This chapter makes you think about the long-term goal of your parenting and not being afraid of “building bad habits” and instead seeing the positive results of your connection. Something that was powerful in the chapter to me was the following questions, which helped you examine what you should do in that “discipline” moment.

Think about a significant adult in your life, someone who has helped you to understand yourself and to develop your strengths. What were his or her characteristics? — For me, this was my English teacher in high-school who encouraged and believed in me; who felt I would become something valuable as I became older. I also was greatly influenced by the social worker who saved me from being homeless and provided me with a second-chance at life. What was the significant adult in your life who made positive impacts?
Now tell me about an influential adult you disliked. Someone who to this day the mere thought of can make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. — For me I had too many to think of but the qualities they displayed was a taking away of innocence, anger, sarcasm, punitive behavior, rough, quick-tempered, and critical. What about you?

A few good questions to ask when you are about to discipline your child are:

Does this strategy connect with my child, empathize with his feelings, and build a relationship with him?
Or does it disconnect us, negating or even punishing him for his emotions?

I think those questions are the most valuable to ask in the moment. Might even be worthy as a reminder to put on your refrigerator. To leave you with information on how different emotion coaching is and the results, here are some key endpoints at the end of the chapter.

Connect instead of disconnect.
Assist instead of taking over.
Listen rather than lecture.
Stop firmly rather than grabbing or jerking.
Help instead of abandon.
Explain instead of force.
State rather than shriek.
Smile more, frown less.
Think about your relationship in the long run.
Start with a single step.

As always, you can start your own discussion inside our online book club, GoodReads. Happy reading everyone!

Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles – Chapter 1

Pg 12: “Emotion coaching doesn’t imply that you always say yes… it doesn’t mean you constantly negotiate… It doesn’t mean that you give him free reign on his emotions. You don’t. Emotions are never an excuse for hurtful or disrespectful behavior. It means that you will listen, trying your best to understand your child’s point of view, label his emotions for him, enforce clear standards for behavior, and teach him what he can do to express them respectfully. As a result, your child will learn that he can trust you and be open to your guidance, leading ultimately to his own sense of self-control.”

This is a book that made such a difference to me in my daughter’s younger years and I hope it does for you as well. As I began re-reading Chapter 1, I realized that it still applies to her even though she is now 12-years old. The first chapter was a great reminder and for those reading the book for the first time, I hope it wet your appetite as to why you should be reading this book to help in reducing those power struggles. Notice I wrote “reducing.” I like how the chapter indicates that most of the time it will be smooth sailing when following the strategies/information provided in this book but sometimes you are still going to experience an occasional power struggle. It is human nature… our children and parents can’t be perfect all of the time.

Chapter 1 really covers why emotion coaching is so important and gives you a brief glimpse into what it is and the research behind it. The chapter explains how the book is divided up: building connections so that your child works with you because they want to; knowing yourself and your child by understanding temperament triggers, stress, and medical factors — all impacts behavior; and lastly emotional development. As you can tell, lots of good information… I’m especially looking forward to re-reading the temperament triggers.

Two passages to leave you with:

Pg 13: By changing your reaction you can change your child’s. Even in the darkest moments when you feel totally inept and out of control, you have the power to stop and change your behavior. It is possible to learn how to keep your cool even when your child is losing his.

Pg 14: You can learn about yourself as well as your child. The exciting thing about emotional intelligence is that it’s predominantly learned behavior. The lessons don’t stop in early childhood. They continue throughout our entire lives, and we get to reap the benefits in all of our relationships — at home and at work.

Simplicity Parenting: Ch 6 and Epilogue

We end our reading of “Simplicity Parenting” today and begin reading “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading “Simplicity Parenting” with you and listening to Kim John Payne’s teleseminar. How did you enjoy reading this book?

We haven’t discussed Chapter 6 “Filtering Out the Adult World” or the Epilogue to end this series of blog posts. In Chapter 6, what I found most refreshing was reading how we need to talk less and listen more to our children. We feel that talking provides our children with emotional intelligence but really the more we talk, the less we are listening. I’ve noticed this with my own daughter. She loves when we walk the neighborhood and I just listen to her talking. I love it too because I learn so much about her life, her mind, and her emotions during this time period. He also talks about the different parenting strategies that fall into the category of helicopter parenting. He discusses each one and the effects on your child and your relationship. Lastly, of the points that resonated with me, he says, “Before you say something, ask yourself these three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” I’m going to take that to heart and try to remember these questions as I speak not only to my daughter but to those around me.

The Epilogue was a great way to round up the book. He talks about the importance of simplification in discipline as well. That we offer our children too many choices now and how that overloads their system. He says to start with the simplification step that seems most doable first and then move onto the others. Simplification is a process but a rewarding one for your family. To end with, I love this passage of his on 215: “When you act to limit what you don’t want for your family, you clarify what you really do need, what is important to you. Your values clarify. Simplification is a path of self-definition for the family.”

There was of course more valuable information in these chapters that I encourage you to read. I look forward to reading “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” with you. Join us at anytime on GoodReads to start your own discussions of the books.

Simplicity Parenting: Ch 5 – Schedules

Chapter 5 was one of those chapters that has stuck with me from the first time I read it. It reminded me to keep balance with my daughter’s schedule so that she can be a “child” as she grows up through her various changes in development. He isn’t saying that our children need to not have any activities and only be “free” but he is saying to balance it out so that they can grow into whole beings. He talks about having Sabbath’s (distraction free zones/days/times), taking a season off from the sports, choosing one activity per child to focus on, and the rest of the time letting them explore their world, be bored, and reach their potential within. Some favorite passages are below:

“… there are costs to controlling their schedules, to “getting more out” of their childhood years. They are leading superphosphated lives, busy with activities from morning to night. Excess “enrichment” is not soaking in; it’s running off, polluting their well-being. Activity without downtime is ultimately — like a plant without roots — unsustainable.”
“Moments of Sabbath are “distraction-free zones.” Not many families can set aside a whole day of the week for quiet family time, but we can still carve out some moments. Doing so adds balance to busy days and establishes boundaries. As you refuse to answer the phone during dinner the message your kids get is “Right now, we’re together, sharing this meal.” Some families can go further, setting aside a half day for a hike every week, or establishing a “no-drive Sunday” of staying home, a symbolic gesture for the family and environment.”
“I have seen it. I’ve seen how loading up a child’s days with activities and events from morning to night can dig a developmental groove in their beings. It can establish a reliance, a favoring of external stimulation over emotional or inner activity. A child with a room full of toys has been set up to be dissatisfied. They’ve been programmed to imagine that pleasure depends on toys, and that the next one might be better than the rest. Likewise, a child who doesn’t experience leisure — or better yet, boredom — will always be looking for external stimulation activity, or entertainment.”

Come join us on GoodReads to discuss this and other blog posts.

Simplicity Parenting: Environment and Rhythm (Ch 3&4)

Environment and rhythm are the foundations of simplification I feel after reading these two chapters. Without a simplified environment you cannot feel at peace or that “home sweet home” feeling in your heart and home. Without rhythm you cannot seem to ground yourself for the day. Our children feel this as well. There are numerous selections of toys and books in every store they go to now and with the holidays approaching, the stores and commercials are pushing our children’s desires to an even greater height. But with the holiday season arriving, think of the environment in which toys and books go into. Is the room/living room already full of both? If so, is it time to go through them so that you can keep the treasurers and donate/sell the rest? Every few months in my house when my daughter was younger we would go through her toys/books and donate those that she hadn’t played with during the year very much. She had a say in this process and I believe that led to her feeling empowered to “let it go.” This allowed for her room/living room to become less cluttered and her imagination to take hold. I started this when she was about 4-years old and at age 9 she started initiating these cleanups herself because she felt “it was out of control”. This is what Kim John Payne is talking about with environment, the power of less opens up the door to more.

In chapter 3, with the environment, there are guidelines to help you go through that toy pile/books and understand what you are supposed to do with it. How your supposed to move it from a huge pile to that of a organized, less cluttered system in which you still get to hold onto the treasured toys. In reference to this, he wrote on page 68: “As you simplify, you allow children to pour their attention, and themselves, into what they are doing. When they’re not overwhelmed with so many toys, kids can more full engage with the ones that they have. And when the toy is simpler, children can bring more of themselves to that engagement. There is freedom with less: freedom to attend, engage, and absorb. Toys that don’t do things can become anything in play. When we don’t try to fill children’s minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of “imagination,” they have more freedom to forge their own, to bring their own ideas into play.” Very well said! If we set their environment up with simplification that allows them the freedom to explore in their play, their social interactions, and the world around them.

Chapter 4 was on rhythm and I loved this chapter. I am by nature a rhythmic person so I understood the need that he mentions in his book for having a rhythm. What was interesting though, was his definition of rhythm because he’s not talking about schedules for the day. He’s talking about consistency, rituals, meal times, sleep, predictability, etc. As he states on page 98: “By surrounding a young child with a sense of rhythm and ritual, you can help them order their physical, emotional, and intellectual view of the world. As little ones come to understand, with regularity, that “this is what we do,” they feel solid earth under their feet, a platform for growth. Such a stable foundation can facilitate their mapmaking: the connectedness that they are charting in their brains, in relation to other people, in in their emerging worldview.” For predictability, providing your child a preview of the next day the day before in a calm setting. Rhythms, a set point of rituals to the day such as times that you brush your teeth, have your family dinner, etc. The importance of family dinner being a grounding force even if it is only a couple times a week with your adolescent children.

There was so much more he wrote about that I just couldn’t possibly capture in a blog post for both chapters.If you’re reading along, how did you feel about chapters 3 & 4? Did you miss the teleseminar with Kim John Payne? If so, you can purchase the recording here.

API Reads – Simplicity Parenting: Chapter 2, Soul Fever

Have you ever wondered why your child is not their normal, bright self even though they are not physically ill? Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, has named this illness “soul fever”. He spends chapter 2 identifying what this means, how to spot it, and how you can treat it. I enjoyed his progression of moving through the “soul fever” to help your child back to their normal, bright self. The key is simplification of routines, connection, love, and parental presence. He says it best on page 39:

“This book is my best attempt to answer “What can we do about it?” It’s a question that so many of us ask ourselves. The truth is, what we do, instinctually, to care for our children when they’re sick could be boiled down to this: we simplify. This is exactly what we need to do when they are overwhelmed; stretched thin and stressed out by the effects of having too much stuff, too many choices, and jumping through their days too fast. It is also what we need to do when their fever is emotional rather than physical. Emotional growing pains, our soul fevers, are as natural and inevitable as the common cold, and can be “treated” in remarkably similar ways. Simplification gives children the ease they need to realign with their true selves, their real age, and with their own world rather than the stress and pressures of the adult world.”

Join the discussion on API’s online book club, GoodReads for free. Register today for the API Live teleseminar with Kim John Payne that is happening on October 19th at 9 PM EST / 6 PM PST. Purchase Simplicity Parenting at Amazon helping API earn a 4% commission off of your purchase.