Rita Brhel – Page 4

Peace in the home: A look at domestic violence and “normative” abuse

Peace is something I take very seriously, in my life and in my home. It is no afterthought here. It is intentional every moment of every day.

I follow API’s Eight Principles of Parenting so closely, because they reflect my values so closely — the values I want to pass down to my children, the values I want them to express to the children and adults around them, the values I want them to choose in a potential spouse.

It has never escaped me that AP Month falls on Domestic Violence Awareness Month every year, each October. But this year’s theme is especially close to me, being a domestic violence survivor myself and now working in the field as an advocate: “Nurturing Peace: Parenting for World Harmony.” I take this theme to heart with every interaction with my children, and work to support other parents in having more peaceful, meaningful relationships with their children.

It is my sincere belief that how we raise our children can change the world, and if we go the extra mile, so to speak, to teach them healthy relationship and peaceful conflict resolution skills, that they will “pay it forward” with their life choices. They can at least change the legacy of their family tree, though I am far from giving up hope for the next generation with API’s influence.

Domestic Violence is Not Rare

We would like to hope that the statistics don’t apply to API families — that 1 in 3 of all women (and 1 in 4 men) are victims of physical domestic violence sometime in their lifetime — but sadly, these statistics know no boundaries. Likely, in your group of friends, there is at least 1 domestic violence survivor among you.

While men can become victims of domestic violence, I want to focus on women.

You likely won’t know who she is. Women of all ages, income classes, educational levels, social statuses, races, ethnicities, cultures, and personalities are affected. While there is a certain psychological profile typical of most abusers, there is none for victims. Any woman could find herself in that position.

She won’t be forthcoming with information, either. Being a victim of domestic violence creates a lot of strong emotions, such as shame and embarrassment and confusion. She won’t talk easily about it, to just anyone.

If you see bruises, she’ll explain them away with some common cause, such as being clumsy. It’s not that her home life really isn’t that bad — no one deserves any level of abuse, so it’s all that bad — it’s that she feels alone and like no one will understand or believe her, or be able to or want to help her anyway. It’s complicated and impossible to fully understand unless you’ve been there.

We can hope and pray that she feels comfortable enough with someone to open up and confide in. Perhaps she will call the national or local hotline for domestic violence survivors.

1-800-799-7233
National Domestic Violence Hotline

Hopefully, she won’t suffer in silence. But many do.

What is Domestic Violence?

When we think of domestic violence, often we think of physical abuse — the hitting, pushing, punching, and other stereotypical behaviors of characters we see on TV and in the movies. We may or may not think of the shows we’ve seen of women being killed. We may think this is extreme, but the fact is: It’s not uncommon for abused women to be in grave danger in their relationships.

If we think a little deeper, we may think of sexual and verbal abuse as part of domestic violence. Finally, we may get down to emotional abuse.

A lot of people think that emotional abuse isn’t as bad as physical abuse, or sexual abuse, or even verbal abuse. But it’s not really that any type of abuse is more or less severe than another. Abuse lies on a continuum, and abusers tend to use more than one type of abuse to control their victims. Here’s the thing: If a person is being emotionally abusive, he is on the continuum — the same continuum that, on the other end, includes being physically abusive up to and including killing his partner. This is no exaggeration: All types of abuse are about control and intimidation, all types of abuse are about violating and devaluing another person, and once you cross that line in any way, you are fully capable of abuse.

But here’s the other thing: Our society isn’t that far away from accepting domestic violence as normal. Esta Soler first lobbied for a legislative bill to outlaw domestic violence in 1984. One politician referred to it as the “Take the Fun Out of Marriage Act” — really.

It took Esta and others 10 years — until 1994 — to get a law passed!

That was the same year that API — one of the world’s largest positive parenting organizations — was founded. In the same time since the first anti-domestic violence law was passed, API has been working toward attachment-promoting parenting, nonviolent communication, emotion coaching, nonpunitive discipline, nurturing touch, and other components of parenting for peace.

API and domestic violence victim advocacy have the same goals: Peace in the home.

Abuse May Be More “Normal” Than You Think

In so many ways, our society has made great strides in increasing awareness of the effects of abuse, and what constitutes as abuse. Most people on the street, if asked, would likely say they agree that many of the abuse tactics that fall within the physical and sexual abuse categories are wrong. But what about emotional and verbal abuse? Do you think people would easily classify the silent treatment as abuse? Or sarcasm? Or gift-giving out of guilt? Or yelling?

And yet, these are abusive tactics — ways that a person uses to create or maintain control over another person. They each violate a person’s right to a healthy, safe relationship.

A few, some, or many of the abusive behaviors in any of the categories below may be a surprise for you. Depending on the family or community in which you were raised, you may feel the questionable behaviors are actually normal. But are they healthy?

Just like having babies cry it out (CIO), which is a parenting behavior that API does not support, some or many people in your family or community may not agree with your view that CIO is violating your baby’s emotional health. But you know that it is. You can see it on your baby’s face, hear it in your baby’s cry, and feel it in your heart.

And if we think about it, CIO is a lot like giving the silent treatment — which is an emotionally abusive tactic according to psychological research.

“Normative abuse” includes behaviors that society classifies as acceptable, but that actually have damaging effects on others. Dr. Karen Walant, PhD, API Board of Directors member, writes about normative abuse in relation to CIO and other seemingly harmless parenting behaviors.

Though there are plenty of people who would disagree with me, it’s really not that much of a stretch to say that if we expose our children to parenting behaviors that fall under normative abuse, that they are more likely to grow up with a mindset that is more likely to accept related behaviors toward them and toward others, including overt abuse.

Don’t underestimate emotional abuse. Just because a person isn’t hitting or being physically abusive, doesn’t mean he or she is not still an abuser. Plus, as insidious as it is, emotional abuse is in many ways more harmful than physical abuse.

So, what is abuse?

Physical

Hitting
Punching
Pushing
Kicking
Restraining and holding
Biting
Choking
Hair pulling
Grabbing
Destroying property
Threatening to hurt you, such as with first or weapons
Throwing things at you
Scratching
Slapping
Reckless driving
Pushing you out of the car
Poking
Taking your keys
Throwing you around
Excessive tickling

Sexual

Forcing sex
Withholding sex
Rude stories or gestures
Double standards
Using sex as a weapon
Punishing you for not complying
Making sexual threats with objects
Talking dirty
Laughing at you
Shaming
Intimidation to do unwanted acts beyond comfort level
Sex as a form of control
Sexualizing in public
Rape
Possessiveness
Mocking of body parts
Accusations
Sex for favors
Pornography

Verbal

Name calling
Swearing
Yelling
Degrading comments or put-downs
Mimicking
Threatening to take the children away
Lying and being deceitful
Brainwashing
Sarcasm
Outright cruelty
Using information you have revealed against you
Blaming
Guilt trips
Demanding
Threatening tone of voice
Contradicting
Irrational questioning
Interrogating
Twisting your words
Calling you “crazy”

Emotional

Double standards
Crazy-making behaviors
Isolation from family or friends
Silent treatment
Accusations
Twisting things
Telling you how you feel and think
“His” agenda or male privilege
Avoiding issues
Tension in home
Immature behavior
Sabotaging
Bringing up the past
Playing mind games
Withholding or controlling the money
Inequity in the partnership
Harming pets
Questioning paternity
Selective memory
Stalking
Harassing
Degrading in public
Not being OK with you being sick
Intimidation
Discounting his own behaviors
Threatening suicide
Empty promises
Gift-giving out of guilt

Spiritual

Discounting your sense of right and wrong
Denying, minimizing, or ridiculing your faith
Denying your value as a unique person
Questioning your motives
Questioning your sense of reality
Refusing to allow you access to faith groups

So, what do you think? Have you ever been on the receiving end of any of these behaviors by another person? How did you feel?

It can be difficult looking at the long list of abusive tactics, and realizing that one has been a victim. Most people don’t want to identify themselves as a victim. It’s easier to justify the other person’s actions or to say to ourselves that we’re being overly sensitive.

But in reality, abusive behaviors — whether overt or normative — aren’t dependent on the recipient’s sensitivity level or even their actions. A person’s abusive actions are always their responsibility — that person has the choice every time to say “no” to him- or herself, that he or she will not act out a certain way that could violate the other person, physically or emotionally.

Your home should always be a safe place to be — in every way, and that includes verbally and emotionally.

Babywearing and peace

API is excited to support International Babywearing Week 2016, Oct. 5-10. API provides a wide array of resources on babywearing — from benefits to how-to’s and safety.

Babywearing — as well as carrying your baby — meets a baby’s needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement while on the go. Each of these needs for baby is important for encouraging healthy neurological development.

Happier babies do tend to make more peaceful homes, but babywearing has a deeper connection to peace: Through meeting baby’s needs intuitively through tools like babywearing, we are establishing a relationship based on mutual respect. We are meeting baby’s needs proactively, and baby learns how to respect others by experiencing it first. And baby learns to meet others’ needs proactively by experiencing it first. It’s part of teaching the healthy emotional relationship dynamic of give and take, peacefully.

You can also use matching gear clothing for family portraits and special occasions, very comfortable for your baby and he or she can match your family too!

Carrying baby, and keeping her close, teaches the same. But one of the best benefits of babywearing to the parent is that it intensely, intentionally cares for baby and is hands-free, as military mom Kit Jenkins has shared on The Attached Family:

“Babywearing made it possible to do household chores.”

Sometimes, well-meaning friends or family have the opinion that babywearing impedes baby’s development by reducing tummy time. I have heard so-called adages of He’ll never learn to walk if you don’t put him down and Babies have to have tummy time. Actually, the position that baby is in the sling — or when carried in arms — directly helps baby develop her core muscles in the same way that tummy time does, as Dr. Maria Blois, MD, explains on The Attached Family:

“Carrying baby enhances motor skills by stimulating the vestibular system, used for balance. Holding baby while moving counts as tummy time.”

On a side note, babywearing can also help Mom get back in shape after pregnancy. I remember having terrible back aches in the early postpartum as my body adjusted to not carrying around a baby bump anymore. Babywearing and carrying my babies helped strengthen those muscles again. And later on, as baby grows, babywearing and carrying continues to provide the benefit of strength-building, as babywearing educator Giselle shared on APtly Said:

“Going upstairs with a 22-pound baby on my back amounted to quite the workout! I think I’m all set in working out for at least 6 months!”

Besides nurturing peace in our babies, babywearing provides a concrete example to others, especially other children in the family, so even if they did not have the start in attachment parenting that their younger siblings had, they can still learn from their parents’ example. I didn’t babywear my older children, but after watching me babywear my youngest, I have helped them both, countless times, create a wrap out of a scarf so they could babywear their teddybears around the house and practice peaceful parenting in their play.

And it’s a model to others in our communities, when they see us in the park or at the grocery store. On APtly Said, Dr. Blois recalls a moment in the store when a woman asked her if she had a baby in her purse:

“Inadvertently, I have become an unofficial ambassador for babywearing. By merely appearing in public with my baby contentedly riding in a sling, I have received many curious stares and many generous comments. Mostly people first notice how happy my baby seems and how she never cries. Sometimes they wonder aloud if I am spoiling her.”

Before this you must know what POS system means? Point of sale (POS) system is the spot where your customer makes the payment for goods or services that are offered by your company.Point of sale systems are systems that enable the business transaction between the client and the company to be completed. POS system is a computerized network that consists of the main computer linked with several checkout terminals and supported by different hardware features starting from barcode scanners and ending with card payment terminals.

It may seem to be a challenge to get the conversation past the idea of babywearing being a fad or fashion statement, but I encourage you to use this assumption as an icebreaker, so to speak, about the benefits of not only babywearing but also attachment-based parenting.

It could be quite the conversation — with the potential to change the world, bringing us closer to world harmony, one changed mind at a time.

Nurturing peace, in our parenting and for our world

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on 10/21/2015. As we celebrate AP Month 2016 with the theme, “Nurturing Peace: Parenting for World Harmony,” this article is a great reminder that a peaceful, attachment-promoting parenting approach promotes a peaceful cycle of living that spreads beyond the home and into the world.

Is world peace possible?

When we talk about the potential for Attachment Parenting (AP) to change the world, we are referring to a ripple effect: Our children growing up to be compassionate and empathic, becoming parents who foster secure attachments with their children, whose children then grow up to repeat the cycle of peaceful living both in and out of the home.

Just as what our society experienced with La Leche League International’s breastfeeding revolution, begun more than 50 years ago, we at Attachment Parenting International (API) hope to be looking at a different kind of society in coming generations — one where disconnection is discouraged and healthy, securely attached relationships are valued above competition and shame.

API is working every day to better support and educate parents on establishing and maintaining secure parent-child attachments. And parents are striving every day to put API’s Eight Principles of Parenting to practice in their relationships with their children.

Many parents understand the challenge of adopting the new mindset needed to fully grasp how API’s Eight Principles of Parenting work. This parenting approach requires looking at the world, your child, your role as a parent and the way you live through a different lens — one that not everyone is able to see. API’s core ethos is a frame of mind that we promote as a practice: respect, empathy, compassion and reflection in thought, speech and action toward yourself and others.

We believe that parents who practice these habits of mind will tend to practice parenting in ways that resemble API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. Likewise, we believe that parents who practice the behaviors included in API’s Eight Principles of Parenting are capable and more likely to practice API’s ethos.

Once you “get” API’s ethos, Attachment Parenting can become much easier, much more “natural.” I liken it to stepping into an alternate reality of sorts. You’re able to view the world, your community, your home, your and others’ relationships in a whole new way and you can then make life choices from a point of compassion, trust, empathy and peace.

Our society tends to shy away from the concept of peace. To many, the idea of world peace is seen to be purely idealistic. We know it as the standard answer of pageant girls competing for Miss America. We also know that there are numerous ways touted to be the answer for world peace, from literacy to racial equality to democracy to certain religions. In reality, for world peace to be attainable, it must take a combination of factors from all levels of society. To many people, that may seem impossible.

Yet peace is what all of our souls crave. It is a sense of contentment, safety and security. It is a joy that doesn’t follow emotional highs and lows, that doesn’t fade when the excitement of instant gratification falls away. Peace allows us to feel centered and to find our balance quickly when we lose our equilibrium. Peace gives us a sense of purpose and control of our life’s direction. When living in peace, people have space in their lives to focus on bettering not only their lives but those around them.

But peace can be elusive. Many people simply do not know how to get to a place of peace in their lives.

For parents who come to API seeking support and education about attachment-based parenting, we offer a way. Secure attachment, promoted through API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, can help families find peace. A person whose attachment needs are met is able to think beyond the basic, day-to-day physical and mental survival and the “need” of trying to keep up with the hectic pace of society, in order to experience greater personal well-being and family enjoyment.

API is doing its part in promoting world peace. We truly believe in our mission to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful, and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world. And we truly believe in parents’ ability to do just that — to raise their children to be secure, full of joy, with the ability to empathize with and show compassion to others.

What is going on behind closed doors?

We, as a society, have to change the way we live.

It’s just that simple, and just that hard.

We are shocked nearly every day by news of another seemingly senseless, violent act. We have names for the big ones — Columbine, Sandy Hook, Omaha mall shooting, Dallas — helping us remember the victims and helping us process the overwhelm of confusion, sadness, anger, and the inexplicable that we felt when we found out. It’s getting harder to name these shootings, stabbings, even bombings — there’s just too many of them, happening too frequently, and worse of all, it’s becoming almost commonplace to hear about them. We are desensitizing.

Except for in war, or in other chronically unsettled parts of the world, there seemed to be a long period of time when we just didn’t hear of these types of events happening to Americans. Perhaps there were more acts of violence in schools, workplaces, and communities before Columbine in 1999 and the news at the time just didn’t pick up on them?

But I have a different theory. Our culture has changed. Society is far less accepting of violent tendencies. We are appalled to hear stories of domestic violence in homes, and rightly so. No one deserves to live in an unsafe home. We all have dignity, and women should be treated as equals to men. We are working toward more nurturing relationships and positive discipline toward our children. Fewer teachers are allowed to harshly treat students that frustrate them. Overall, we cannot go around instilling fear in one another as an every day part of life. As it should be.

Except that while there are these widespread expectations to treat one another with respect, there has been less available instruction in how to do that. There is so much more support today for parents, teachers, couples, employers, and others traditionally in positions of authority in relationships. And we, as a society, are finding ways to transcend the existing gaps at a rapid pace, with such ideas as mindfulness in schools rather than issuing detention and offering free positive discipline education at local API Support Groups.

But there was a gap of widespread support that spanned at least 1 generation. From the time when the Columbine school shooting rocketed through the news, to now when cry-it-out sleep training is being openly debated rather than just merely accepted as the norm — reflecting the huge change we, as a culture, are having on the idea of relationship — there was 1 or 2 generations of individuals who were transitioning from the “old” way of relating — hierarchical and fear-based authority — to this “new” way: collaborative, emotionally literate, and focused on problem-solving. That’s a big leap from the old to the new way, and all leaps need support to bridge the gap.

We are steadily closing that gap. Nurturing parenting and related practices — like mindfulness, emotion coaching, collaborative work environments, healthy conflict resolution, nonviolent communication, overall questioning the status quo — are coming from all directions, not only from Attachment Parenting International (API) but also schools, workplaces, health care providers, community leaders, and other major sectors of society. We’re getting ideas we can put into practice at work, home, on the road, and even in the grocery store about how we can relate to one another better and resolve disagreements peacefully. This idea of living together as a nurturing community is becoming holistic.

But still we hear of these awful incidents of kids killing kids, coworkers killing coworkers, strangers killing strangers. If we thought Columbine was confusing, what do we think now as our cultural acceptance of nurturing and peaceful conflict resolution is taking hold. If this doesn’t work, what will?

We then go on to blame the news media, access to guns, leniency in sentencing, racism, politics, mental illness, and so on. The truth is, these big problem areas — like violence in society — are much bigger than a single factor, or even a few factors. It is difficult to unravel the causes, because the factors that contribute to each one seem different and ever-shifting.

The undertone to all of these is that the perpetrator in each case saw violence to be his or her best opportunity at the moment. It might have been a last resort in many cases, but it was the best option of what was left in that person’s mind. Exactly why that was the best option at the time, we probably will never know. We can speculate, but that’s only as good as guessing.

But we do know that violence has to be planted in a person’s mind as an acceptable option, in whatever situation. Babies aren’t born violent. They are born wired to seek connection. People have to learn violence, which begins as disconnection. They learn to detach as a survival mechanism when their needs aren’t meant. There are various degrees of this, as we see in insecure attachment research, and definitely few insecurely attached children grow up to choose violence that makes the news. But that detachment is the first step to accepting violence as an option at all.

I believe that we, as individuals, are not inherently violent but that it is learned. If it were so that we are innately violent, we could not be moving toward a more nurturing culture as we are.

But our culture does have its leftovers from previous generations’ perspectives on relationship, and those leftovers are most often seen — not in the news of mass killings that we are increasingly seeing — but more in our homes, behind closed doors, when conflict arises between couples and between parents and children. Those leftovers are there when parents yell at, emotionally withdraw, or strike their children in the name of “discipline.” Those leftovers are there when babies begin life with crying it out, learning that their biological need for connection will be ignored.

There are so many contributing factors to societal violence, but it all does start in the home — with what our children grow up with, learning what is “normal” and what is expected, learning how to “resolve” disagreements and “calm” strong emotions like frustration or disappointment…whether peacefully or with force.

We have to change the way we live, in all areas of our lives, beyond but especially behind closed doors, in order to nurture peace and live in world harmony.

Join us, starting October 1, as API explores this theme through Attachment Parenting Month. World peace begins with peace in the home.

We are parents: We are all in the business of world peace.

Families of 4th graders: An opportunity to get in a national park for free

As a birthday present, I took my 5-year-old son for a one-on-one date to the museum today. I surprised him with a 3D viewing of a film on the smallest creatures in the ocean.

We were the only people in the giant-screen theater, surrounded by amazing views of sea snails and clams and zooplankton. The end of the film made an appeal for viewers to care about the ocean, citing the accidental release of the lion fish coinciding with overfishing in the Caribbean for how we humans can cause great problems with what we see as minor mistakes.

It hearkened back to a series my children and I watched on National Geographic several months ago, “Racing Extinction,” during which we saw stunning evidence of humankind’s inadvertent effects on our natural world, such as how even a slight change in average sea temperature can decimate entire coral reefs.

I have long had great respect and admiration for nature, made even deeper through my Attachment Parenting (AP) journey. After more than a decade of AP, this way of relating to my children has become my way of relating overall — to other people and to the natural world. I can’t help but want to share that peace beyond my home, and a definite way I try to do this is to nurture my children’s innate curiosity and awe of the natural world.

My oldest daughter has, from the time she could talk, decided she wants to be an entomologist, to find better ways to save endangered pollinator species. My middle daughter has forever wanted to be a wildlife rescuer. And my youngest, my son, wants to save endangered species of birds. I’m excited that my children have the potential to be part of the next generation of problem-solvers in this way.

Naturally, I want to cultivate this interest. We spend a lot of time outdoors. We take the children to nature camps and on hikes in wildlife preserves. We expose them as much as we can to the people who are doing now what the kids want to do when they grow up. They have helped entomologists capture rare insects on disappearing virgin prairie, taken part in a skit on the whooping crane’s perilous migration, learned to identify invasive weeds choking sensitive waterways, done surveys on native bee numbers, and signed petitions to pass laws to better conserve monarch butterfly habitat.

Not that this can’t happen with other childhood interests, but I am a firm believer that being connected with the natural world has far-reaching benefits beyond an appreciation of nature. In this API post from Earth Day, Effie Morchi explains the myriad benefits to healthy child development.

Effie has such a passion for reconnecting children with nature. She recently brought my attention to a great opportunity: All 4th-grade students and their families can get in any U.S. national park for free through the Every Kid in a Park initiative.

I hope as many families can take advantage of this opportunity this year as possible. It’s a way to see our nation’s wildest places and help expand our children’s instinctive desire to connect — and eventually protect — our natural world.

Parenting for peace

“But peace is about much more than putting weapons aside. It is about building a global society in which people live free from poverty and share the benefits of prosperity. It is about growing together and supporting each other as a universal family.” ~ Ban Ki-moon, UN Secretary-General

There seems to be barely a day when we don’t hear of a tragedy somewhere on the globe — an act of violence, a casualty of war, a community in mourning, a home shattered by abuse. Where is peace?

Peace in our world, our nations, our communities, our homes, ourselves — we all want it, but it can seem unattainable in the societies where we live. Or is it?

On this International Day of Peace — today, September 21 — Attachment Parenting International (API) is excited to announce the theme of this year’s Attachment Parenting (AP) Month beginning October 1:

Each day of October, API will delve into how parenting is critical for striving toward peace and world harmony. We will renew our support for the ultimate peacemakers — you, the parent.

This October:

Follow us here on APtly Said for 31 days of Peace and Harmony through Daily Parenting Tips and inspirational posts from peacemakers around the world.
Add your family to our Wall of Harmony.
Submit a post, however short or long, on what “parenting for peace” means to you to be published on APtly Said during AP Month.
Donate items to our online auction, running October 18-31.
Keep in touch and share AP Month with friends on Facebook.

Staying centered despite your child’s public meltdown

You can tell a lot about a person by their shopping cart — and also how they deal with their toddler’s tantrum in the middle of the store.

Clean-up needed in Aisle 9 — 3 year old having a meltdown after being in the store for 2 hours while Mom is looking for gravy packets. Wouldn’t it make sense to put the gravy packets next to the instant potatoes and boxed stuffing?!

The clean-up needed isn’t from the once-nicely stacked boxed pasta now strewn across the floor from the flailing arms and legs of the child. It’s needed to unclog the aisle from passersby, so Mom can fully focus on her child without the distraction of what can seem like annoyed, judging looks of others.

I have seen many a stressed-out parent in the store try to keep their patience with a tired-out, hungry child in the store. Even timing shopping trips between naps and snacks doesn’t always work to prevent public tantrums. How much more patience parents might have if they didn’t feel pressure — real or perceived — from others to do something now with their seemingly out-of-control child!

I have been that parent, who is otherwise able to empathize with my child’s strong emotions but who second-guessed herself after a decade of Attachment Parenting, because of an old lady’s furrowed brow when my kid — with an especially high whine — complained about the length of the grocery trip.

The good new is, though we may sometimes still second-guess ourselves, the longer we practice Attachment Parenting, the easier it is to get back to the values we strive to espouse and pass down to our children, such as that responding with sensitivity and positive discipline is more important than pleasing a disapproving stranger.

It helps me to think that others aren’t necessarily disapproving. We don’t know each other after all. We don’t talk to each other, other than the polite “excuse me” when passing in front of the chips shelf she’s studying. There is no appropriate opportunity to get deep with the person to ask why that person has such a seemingly unhappy disposition at that moment. It very well could be that it has nothing to do with my child — even if the person, if asked, would disagree. Each of our world perspectives is made up of countless factors — current environmental stimuli are actually a small fraction of how we perceive the world at any one time. So much of it depends instead on our values, our background, if we’re hungry or tired or feeling unwell, our relationship health with others, and so on.

I learned this through Nonviolent Communication. Learning the premise of this communications style can be life-changing.

Another life-changing skill is mindfulness — the art of being present in our lives.

Attachment Parenting International (API) is offering you an opportunity to learn more about mindfulness and mindful parenting on Monday, September 12, through an API Live! teleseminar with Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, and his wife Myla, mindfulness experts and coauthors of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. It’s as easy as listening in on your phone. The live teleseminar starts at 9 pm EST, and all registrants will receive a downloadable recording after the event. Register here.

Research shows that being mindful can reduce stress and have profound effects on physical and mental well-being through a greater sense of balance, empathy, clarity, and peace.

Peace seems over-rated sometimes, with how much the word is used, but it’s actually underestimated in how much striving toward peace can improve your life. Peace implies that you feel content with your life — a nice, constant happiness — rather than riding life’s ups and downs in the search for the peak of happiness…which of course feels good, but it never lasts. But peace lasts.

Peace makes it easier to get through the grocery store with a cranky child, and easier to look past that stranger’s glare to empathize with her unknown situation, and easier to stick to your values of Attachment Parenting.

A Post We Love! I breastfed my preschooler for (somewhat) selfish reasons

Editor’s note: Attachment Parenting International (API) is so grateful to the parents who share their experiences on this blog. Many of our writers have their own personal blogs where they share more about their unique brand of Attachment Parenting. We want to take the opportunity to highlight blog posts beyond API that capture the essence of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting:

Today, we want to recognize a post written by Krystal Newton, a stay-at-home mom to 2 boys, on her blog, Mommy Laughs:

“I have been parenting the only way that feels right, and it just so happens to fall into the Attachment Parenting message. When I wrote this blog post, I wanted to reach out to women struggling with making the decision to breastfeed long-term. I want them to see that it’s a beautiful relationship and an opportunity to just take a step back, to settle down, and to have a few peaceful moments with your child.” ~ Krystal

I Breastfed My Preschooler For Selfish Reasons

… I don’t breastfeed my 3 year old for the nutritional benefits (though those are a plus) or to make a statement. I don’t breastfeed him, because it’s the only way I know to comfort him or because I refuse to let him grow up. I breastfeed my 3 year old, because in those short quiet moments, I have the ability to pause my hectic life and love him, snuggle him, and reminisce on our journey. It forces me to slow down and notice the little things: How his hair sweeps over his eyebrows, how the dimples in his hands are disappearing, how he smirks in his sleep, and how beautiful he is. These quiet snuggles are less frequent as he grows so incredibly independent. While the benefits of extended breastfeeding are endless, my reasoning for choosing to let Colton decide to wean are somewhat selfish in that I love nursing him just as much as he does…

Read the entire post here, and enjoy!