No Parent is Perfect, and Neither is Your Partner

This post was written by Stephanie Petters, coordinator of the API Reads program

GettingTheLoveYouWantAn interesting discussion is unfolding at API Reads where we’re discussing Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, PhD:

“As I began reading Chapter 2 on childhood wounds, I appreciated how the chapter started on page 15 with, ‘And no parents, no matter how devoted, are able to respond perfectly to all of these changing needs.’

This truth is a relief and reminder that all we simply can do is our best and tomorrow make our best better. Thankfully the family unit is perfectly matched for us to grow to our highest good (even when it doesn’t feel like it sometimes).

When I kept reading each section in the chapter, I found myself highlighting and making notes in the margin with what was coming up for me. There was a part of me that wanted to cry.”

API Reads is Attachment Parenting International’s online book club on Goodreads, but it’s more than club for people who love to read books—it’s a place to share concerns and ideas to strengthen the connection to our children and families as well as share your own personal experience.

For example, in the first chapter of Getting the Love You Want, the author explores mate selection. These are two of the responses to the question, “Which type of relationship were you? An intense, ‘at-first-glance’ or one that took more time?” Here are a few of the responses:

“We met in college. I wouldn’t even say it started as a friendship as much as fate that just kept at us. We kept running into each other at student government meetings, the cafeteria, and then friends intervened to keep bringing us together, and eventually—although really, probably only a few weeks—we were ‘dating,’ spending more and more time together. After that, we had three years of school to date and get to know each other. We were engaged two years after we met, and we married right after graduation, three years and a few months after our first meeting. I’d say we were kind of in the middle of his types: It wasn’t ‘love at first sight,’ but it wasn’t tepid and prolonged either. We are going on 10 years and three kids, and it’s been amazing.” – P.

“We had a level-headed friendship. This chapter made it so clear why my husband and I are a perfect fit! I’m the isolator, and he is the fuser.” – S.

What else have we been discussing? We’re just getting started, but we’ve also touched on how mate selection is also about restoring the feeling of our wholeness, the essence of love and more.

Here is another recent post from a reader who was inspired to share an excerpt from the book with the API Reads community:

On page xxviii:If Helen and I were to take all the insights we’ve gained about love relationships in the past thirty years and reduce them to their essence, we would summarize them in the following five sentences:

  1. Accept the reality that your partner is not you.
  2. Be an advocate for your partner’s separate reality and potential.
  3. Make your relationship a sacred space by removing all the negativity.
  4. Always honor your partner’s boundaries.
  5. Practice the Imago Dialogue until it becomes second nature and you can interact spontaneously once again.

Eventually, you will not have to ‘work’ on your relationship anymore. The changes will become stable. You will have rewired your brain so that your new way of relating is far more comfortable to you than your old way. You will begin living in a different reality—the reality of sustained connection.’

I’m writing these five sentences on a large sticky note and placing it on my mirror. I’d like to start the day everyday with the intention to move to greater sustained connection. Anyone else want to join me?”

Everyone is welcome to join the discussion—or simply to follow the conversation—at API Reads on GoodReads! We’ll be discussing Getting the Love You Want this September and October.

Our next book for discussion is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman, PhD, starting November 1.

 

Meditating in the Shower & Balancing Technology Use…

This post is written by Stephanie Petters, coordinator of the API Reads program:

Nurturing the Soul image (2)Come on over to API Reads, on GoodReads, where we’re discussing the last few chapters of Nurturing the Soul of Your Family by Renée Peterson Trudeau.

API Reads is more than club for people who love to read books. It’s a place to share concerns and ideas to strengthen the connection to our children and families. For example, one reader posted the question, “Has the book inspired you to make any changes?” This is one of the responses:

“I’m also trying to take better care of myself. I have my first session with a personal trainer today! I’d like to start meditating, but with a baby who hates naps it’s hard to find time when I know I’ll be able to sit quietly, so I’ve been trying to make my showers meditative. We’ve also started having daily outdoor play time, and I’ve been trying to make sure we have some relaxed family time on the weekend.”

What else have we been discussing? How much technology can affect your family life, whether it is your friend or foe, and how can you help find a balance with it. Also how nature can play a role in balance.

“Yes, like you and Lex, it is harder for my husband to unplug. He loves video games and drawing, which he does on a tablet. During this, he usually has a movie or TV show in the background. There is nothing inherently wrong with these things; it’s how he enjoys himself. And he does take breaks to play with our one year old. We also have dinner together — tech free — and are making an effort to do the same with breakfast. At the same time, when we go on vacation and don’t have our machines, I do feel so much more connected.

I’m not sure how to deal with this imbalance in media use. I don’t find it ideal, but at the same time, my husband is at home, kind and attentive when he needs to be. It doesn’t seem worth a struggle. Thoughts?”

Share your ideas and join the discussion!

Our next book for discussion is for couples, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It starts in September.

API’s Breastfeeding Library

World Breastfeeding Week 2013Thank you for joining us at APtly Said for this year’s World Breastfeeding Week. We hope you’ve found support and enlightenment. As we bring the week’s celebration to a close, we leave you with a collection of API’s breastfeeding resources from our online publications. Additionally, the latest breastfeeding news can be found through API Links, our monthly enewsletter, and parent-to-parent support is given to breastfeeding mothers through API’s online discussion forums.

Feed with Love and Respect, the second of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, on AttachmentParenting.org

A New Look at the Safety of Breastfeeding during Pregnancy from AttachmentParenting.org

Another Look at Breastfeeding with HIV/AIDS: An Interview with Marian Thompson, cofounder of LLLI from The Attached Family

Breastfed Babies and the Growth Chart from APtly Said

Breastfeeding After “Almost” Weaning from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding After Sexual Abuse from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding and Attachment Parenting are Intricately Linked from APtly Said

Breastfeeding and Breast Cancer Awareness Month from APtly Said

Breastfeeding and Cosleeping in a Critical Culture from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding and Working, an Illustration from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding for Two: Tandem Nursing from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding Helps to Offset Early Disadvantages from APtly Said

Breastfeeding into Toddlerhood from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding is Not Just for Babies: The Benefits of Breastfeeding a Toddler from APtly Said

Breastfeeding Memories from APtly Said

Breastfeeding On-Demand is OK from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding the Right-Brained Way from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding Twins?! from APtly Said

Breastfeeding While Pregnant from The Attached Family

Breastfeeding While Pregnant: Trying at Times But Ultimately Worthwhile from APtly Said

Celebrate World Breastfeeding Week from APtly Said

Celebrating the Model of Attachment from APtly Said

Challenging Society’s Views of Infant Feeding: Behind the Scenes of “The Milky Way” Movie from APtly Said

Dads Can Help Breastfeed, Too from APtly Said

Discovering On-Demand Breastfeeding from The Attached Family

Effects of Breast Implants on Lactation from The Attached Family

Extended Breastfeeding from APtly Said

Fighting the Battle Against Oversupply from APtly Said

Food Allergies in a Breastfed Baby from The Attached Family

From Fear to Breastfeeding from from The Attached Family

Interactions and Relationships in Breastfeeding Families: An Interview with Dr. Keren Epstein-Gilboa from The Attached Family

Is Pumping a Breastfeeding Requirement? from from APtly Said

Living with 25-Plus Food Intolerances from The Attached Family

Nature’s Case for Breastfeeding from APtly Said

Newsflash: Breastfeeding Mother Not Harassed for Breastfeeding in Public from APtly Said

Normalizing Extended Breastfeeding from APtly Said

Number One on the Breastfeeding Team is Daddy from The Attached Family

On Breastfeeding While Pregnant from APtly Said

On Support and Breastfeeding from APtly Said

Parents Crave Uncommon Support for Common Concerns, Like Breastfeeding from APtly Said

Parents’ First Decision: Feeding Your Baby from APtly Said

Pumping for Stay-at-Home Moms from The Attached Family

Rest and Sleep the AP Way from APtly Said

Supporting Breastfeeding in Still Life: A Look at the “Breastfeeding is Normal” Project from APtly Said

Supporting Nursing Moms from APtly Said

The Basics of Breastfeeding Advocacy from The Attached Family

The Breastfeeding Father from The Attached Family

The Chemistry of Attachment from AttachmentParenting.org

The Composition of Breastmilk, part 1 & part 2 from APtly Said

The End of Extended Breastfeeding from APtly Said

The Link Between Breastfeeding and Mental Health from The Attached Family

Trust Your Baby to Show You When to Breastfeed from The Attached Family

When Breastfeeding Difficulties are Overwhelming: Getting Past Them from APtly Said

When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed By Breastfeeding from APtly Said

Why Bedsharing and Breastfeeding Go Together, and What Could Happen If You Ignore Biology from APtly Said

Why Breastfeed? It’s More Than Milk from APtly Said

Why Do You Breastfeed? from APtly Said

Why Breastfeed? It’s More Than Milk

World Breastfeeding Week 2013The core of Attachment Parenting is responding to our children with sensitivity. This third of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting is one of two principles–the other is striving for balance–that are part and parcel to the whole of the parenting approach, that thread themselves through each of the remaining six principles, including feeding with love and respect.

Attachment Parenting International recognizes that breastfeeding can be difficult in our society. It is hard to do something different than our family and friends, our social network prior to becoming parents, and to find a new support system for our choices. It is hard to navigate new motherhood relatively alone, compared to other cultures where family rallies together to give the mother a baby moon, a time when mom and baby can bond uninterrupted while housework and caring for other children are taken up by others in her life. It is hard to make the choice to return to work and then try to integrate a child care provider into our alternative way of parenting. It is hard to pump while away from baby. And it is hard to continue to push through difficulties, whether it be a poor latch or milk supply issues or teething or night-waking, when so many others in our lives are trying to convince us to just give a bottle of formula.

But breastfeeding, like any choice made through the lens of Attachment Parenting, is ultimately about responding with sensitivity to our babies. There are great nutritional and health benefits to feeding breastmilk, but what makes breastfeeding special enough for many mothers to continue despite societal pressure and their personal hurdles is that breastfeeding is more than a way to feed their babies — that it offers the beginnings of a relationship with their child that cannot be replicated in any other way.

When I work with clients through the WIC program, it is clear to me that breastfeeding is 10% know-how and 90% desire. Every mother-baby pair is different, and while peer counselors and lactation professionals can offer help for various problems that arise, each situation is unique. The mother has to want to breastfeed, to learn this relationship with their child no matter what, and that’s what makes breastfeeding successful.

The human mother was designed to breastfeed so that a relationship is borne out of the effort, out of each mother and her baby learning about each other and what will work or not, out of the gaze between one another, out of the oxytocin rush each receives, out of the gentle discipline necessary in teaching baby not to bite or to eventually night-wean, out of the mother finding her balance while caring for her baby, out of learning to be flexible as baby grows and needs change. We can find a bit of each of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting within the act of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding behavior is very literally the embodiment of responding with sensitivity to our babies–and responding with sensitivity is a skill and artform that all mothers need no matter their child’s age.

Challenging Society’s Views of Infant Feeding: Behind the Scenes of “The Milky Way” Movie

World Breastfeeding Week 2013Today, we introduce Chantal Molnar, RN, MA, IBCLC, from Piece of My Heart Productions, home of the “The Milky Way” documentary (formerly “Bottled UP!”) to discuss the recent making of this film with Jennifer Davidson, RN, BSN, IBCLC, who works with pediatrician Dr. Jay Gordon, longtime supporter of Attachment Parenting International.

The Milky Way Movie Sizzle from The Milky Way on Vimeo.

Chantal and Jennifer repeatedly find that there is no one right way to assist new mothers in finding confidence in their own instincts, and many mothers find solutions to their problems that cannot be found in any book. Yet, mothers are desperate for solutions that help them to be good mothers.

This is why Jennifer and Chantal decided to create a documentary that addresses the issues facing mothers in the 21st Century. It is their goal to support women in accessing that feminine knowing that allows them to trust their bodies, trust their breasts, trust their babies and trust themselves.

And so, without further ado, Chantal…

Our mission is to restore the phenomenon of the nursing mother to the cultural landscape.

Did you know that, in the United States, 75% of all mothers attempt to breastfeed, but a meager 15% of American women successfully breastfeed?

Why do so many women start out breastfeeding but find themselves up against overwhelming obstacles? And why do so many other countries have a higher success rate, some as high as 96%? The “hero” in our film, “The Milky Way,” Jennifer, sets out to discover what happens between the beginning of breastfeeding and the reality of the statistics, including traveling to Germany and Sweden to find out what they do differently.

Our Inspiration

Time and again in our lactation practice, we see mothers who have been saturated with fear. “Don’t sleep with your baby!” “Don’t nurse so much!” “Don’t pick up your baby so much, you will spoil her!” “Your baby is not gaining enough! Supplement!” “Get him on a schedule!” “Is she sleeping through the night?” “Slings are dangerous!” And on and on. You get the picture.

As lactation consultants, Jennifer and I do our best to guide mothers into what ordinarily is second nature for them but has been scared out of them. We encourage mothers to follow the knowledge within, and lead them to trust the process. We find that so many women have trouble with breastfeeding and self-confidence, and that they are often made to feel inadequate by the very medical professionals that are being paid to serve them.

Our inspiration is the mothers. We are inspired by the many mothers who have taught us about trust and the many mothers whom we have empowered to trust in themselves.

Our mantra is: “Trust your body, trust your baby, trust yourself.” Jennifer and I have built our practice on this foundation: that mothers are fully capable of knowing what their baby needs, and babies are competent to communicate their needs.

There is no baby without a mother. The mother is a baby’s habitat – its home. When a baby is in skin-to-skin contact or in close contact with mother, such as in babywearing or cosleeping, baby is able to synchronize heart rate and breathing rate with the adult.

This foundation is based upon the MotherBaby being together – no separation at birth, early skin-to-skin contact, breastfeeding, cosleeping and babywearing. It is through frequent physical closeness that a baby communicates and mother responds. It is within this context that mother and baby express fully the programs within: the breastfeeding program in the baby and the mothering program in the mother. Being unhindered and unseparated releases the full manifestation of their intrinsic abilities.

That is the inspiration behind “The Milky Way” Movie.

We decided to supplement our practice with a film – a culture-changing film that is as revolutionary as it is beautiful. We will take you on a journey that will outrage and incite, enlighten and inspire, as we expose the social programming that derails breastfeeding and explore:

  • Why this is happening?
  • Who benefits?
  • What is at stake?

Furthering the Breastfeeding Movement

“The Milky Way” will contribute to the breastfeeding and parenting communities, as well as elevate women in general and transform the cultural perception of breastfeeding. We will empower mothers through a film designed to elicit each mother’s own embodied wisdom and encourage each woman to have confidence in herself during her journey through motherhood. Our film will counteract the century-long ad campaign that successfully vanquished the collective intuitive knowledge that women shared for most of history. We want to see women be so knowledgeable in how it can be that they will demand that medical professionals provide the kind of care that they want and need, because change in medicine is based on consumer demand.

Along with a film, we are creating a movement that is galactic in scope. Our mission is to elevate the nursing mother to a place in society where she receives all the necessary support to successfully nurse a child, where scientific evidence overrides marketing influences, and a woman does not fear breastfeeding in public. After the movie releases, we will shift gears and proceed to build a movement through a nonprofit organization that will continue where the film left off.

When all women are secure in their inner wisdom, their intrinsic knowing, and when they are confident and ready to step into their power and authority as mothers, our work will be done. This is our chance to make a tremendous difference in the lives of many women.

Behind the Film’s Name

We changed our name from “Bottled UP!” to “The Milky Way” because of a painting Jennifer saw in a museum when she was in Spain over Christmas. It is a painting by Paul Rubens of the creation of the Milky Way.

As the story goes, Zeus had an illegitimate mortal baby. He wanted the baby to become divine, so while Zeus’ wife, Hera, was sleeping, Zeus put the baby on her breast, which would impart divinity upon his son. Hera woke up, realized what was happening, and pulled the baby off her breast, spraying breastmilk all over the universe, creating the Milky Way. We delved a little deeper and discovered that even the root of the word “galaxy” refers to breastmilk, so the Milky Way was created and named for mother’s milk!

Learn more about this film through our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/pages/Bottled-UP-The-Film/352408118167906 and our website at www.themilkywaymovie.com/.

Chantal and Jennifer, the lactation consultants and producers behind "The Milky Way" Movie, visit with a client at her home about breastfeeding

Photo: Chantal and Jennifer, the lactation consultants and producers behind “The Milky Way” Movie, visit with a client at her home about breastfeeding

Nature’s Case for Breastfeeding

World Breastfeeding Week 2013For so many women, breastfeeding was the turning point for our journey into Attachment Parenting. And one organization whom many of us have to thank for our introduction to both breastfeeding and Attachment Parenting International — certainly in the case of API’s cofounders whose roots were here — is La Leche League International.

Dr. Jeanne Stolzer, Professor of Child and Adolescent Development at the University of Nebraska at Kearney, USA, whose research is known worldwide as an intelligent challenge to the current Western medical model that seeks to pathologize normal human behaviors, including breastfeeding, too, shares her beginnings in LLL. I heard her speak at a conference a few years ago.

“Most people think that because of the research I do, I was raised in a granola-eating, breastfeeding, bare-footed family,” said Stolzer. “Nothing could be farther from the truth. The first breastfeeding baby I ever saw was when I was 18 years old, and I was mortified. Five years later, I saw a woman with a PhD breastfeeding a three-year-old, and my immediate response was, ‘What was wrong with her?’”

Some years later, Stolzer herself was expecting a baby when a friend encouraged her to attend a LLL meeting.

“I was very reluctant, but I went,” said Stolzer. “I instantly felt like I was with kindred spirits.”

LLL led Stolzer to begin educating herself about breastfeeding. As she remembers, “I was reading and reading all this stuff and was getting madder and madder: Why didn’t my mother know this? Why didn’t my friends know this? And, gosh darn it, why didn’t my doctor know this?”

Where Did the Mammal in Us Go?

“For 99.9% of our time on this earth, we have been hunters or gatherers and we have been practicing esoteric mammalian parenting,” Stolzer said, meaning non-medicalized births, breastfeeding, and staying in close proximity to our babies. “Look at what, in just 100 years, we’ve done: We’re supposed to be the top mammal on the planet, but we’ve managed to completely erase the mammalism in our lives.”

Conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding are intricately linked together as one continuous process to give each baby the best start in life, Stolzer explains.

“Most people see these as separate. They’re not,” she said. “If you mess with one, you risk throwing off the whole connection.”

While there are a very small number of females in every mammal species unable to get pregnant, the United States has the highest infertility rate in the world among humans. But is there any wonder when we stop to look at what Western cultures are doing to the birthing and breastfeeding functions of this process?

Stolzer finds it comical that most mothers won’t touch a cigarette or a caffeinated drink while they’re pregnant – which is commendable – but then have no problem in going to a hospital and having powerful narcotics mainlined into their arm during labor and birth. In the United States, 38% of women are getting Cesarean sections when, naturally, only 1 to 3% of births might actually require medical intervention.

Then, mothers and their newborn babies are, more often than not, separated immediately after birth. If mothers are able to give birth vaginally, she is flooded with hormones – but by separating the mother from her baby, that hormone flow is interrupted. If the breastfeeding relationship isn’t challenged enough by separation, then it has to overcome the ordeal of a hormonally-deficient mother and a drug-affected baby. “It takes 138 muscles alone in the jaw to nurse, and if you’re drugged, they won’t work,” Stolzer said.

The truth is, most Western physicians are not educated in breastfeeding. To be so, they must go on to continuing education because medical schools don’t teach lactation.

“I think women do the very, very best they can, with the information they have at the time,” Stolzer said. “Breastfeeding decreases all forms of hospitalization, death, and prescription drug use. That’s amazing, but how many women who are formula-feeding know this?”

Introduction of Formula-Feeding

Formula was developed with the mechanization of the dairy industry, derived from whey, a byproduct of processing cow milk.

In 1910, only 2 to 13% of mothers formula-fed. After World War I, that statistic jumped to 65 to 70%, and the impression was that only the poor and the immigrants had to “resort” to breastfeeding. Formula-feeding had become a state symbol of wealth, and physicians were supporting that formula-feeding was superior to breastfeeding. The lesson learned here, says Stolzer, is to question your societal trends.

“Formulas are manufactured by pharmaceutical companies,” she said. “Look at who’s funding every study: If it’s a pharmaceutical company, don’t even read it – it’s propaganda.”

In reality, human milk is far better than any substitute milk. Human milk changes with each child, depending on the needs of that particular child during a particular time of the day, during a particular age of that child. Human milk – and breastfeeding, for that matter – quite simply, can’t be duplicated.

“Pumped milk is infinitely better than formula,” Stolzer said. “However, it would be a scientific fallacy to say that pumped milk is the same as milk from the human breast,” because of how breastmilk changes throughout the day, not to mention that feeding by a bottle misses the intricacy of the relationship aspects of breastfeeding.

Human milk is a dose-responsive specific variable, meaning the response is specific to the dose – or that the more that a baby is breastfed and the longer a baby is breastfed, the more benefits that breastmilk affords to the child, and the mother. Research that began in the 1920s clearly shows that breastfeeding reduces the risk of myriad physical and mental health conditions for both baby and mother – both through protective antibodies and enzymes, and the oxytocin and prolactin “love” hormones secreted with each breastfeeding interaction.

“Choosing not to breastfeed brings a halt to oxytocin and prolactin. This brings on the grief response in mammals,” Stolzer said. “That’s why we have 40 to 60% postpartum depression rates in this country – because the body believes that we’re grieving.”

In addition, it’s important to note the differences between cows and humans on an animal level. While both are mammals, humans and cows are not the same. Basically, there are two types of mammals on the earth:

  • Caching – i.e., cows. These mammals give birth to young who are, soon after birth, able to walk, regulate their own temperature, and be left alone for periods of time while the mother forages for food. Feedings are meant to be spaced to allow this, and therefore, the milk produced is high-protein and high-fat.
  • Carrying – i.e., humans. These mammals give birth to young who are unable to walk, regulate their own temperature, or stay quiet for long periods of time alone, and therefore must be kept in close physical proximity to the mother. Feedings are meant to be continuous and on demand, and the milk produced is low-protein and low-fat.

Quite simply, cow or soy milk formula would not be as good as human milk.

“It makes sense: We have such a different brain than a cow, and a soybean doesn’t even have a brain,” Stolzer said.

But mothers continue to treat their babies like that of caching mammals. This is evident not only in formula sales – it’s a $1 trillion industry – but also in the recent boom in sales of helmets meant to reshape the heads of babies who have flattened on one side because the baby spends more time lying down than being held.

Another important argument against formula-feeding is the increasing rate of food allergies in Western cultures. “The number-one allergen in human populations is dairy products,” Stolzer said. “The number-one ingredient in formula is dairy. Of course, we’re doing this.”

Extended Breastfeeding is Superior to Cultural Breastfeeding Standards

According to World Health Organization recommendations, babies must be breastfed at least two years to obtain optimal benefits. Developmentally, human children are designed to breastfeed well over two years of age. For example, permanent molar eruption doesn’t occur until the child is five to seven years old. In another example, a child’s sucking needs last for three to seven years – evidenced by prolonged thumb-sucking, pacifier use, and hair-sucking in older children.

The average breastfeeding weaning rate worldwide is three to four years. In the United States, weaning typically happens at only six weeks old, the time when women return to work outside the home. The breastfeeding research knowledge available clearly shows that if all women in the United States breastfed for just six months exclusively, the nation would save $3.6 billion a year, mostly in health care costs and time spent paying parents for sick time to stay home to care for their children. If they breastfed exclusively for one year, that savings would climb to $7 billion a year.

“Five thousand to 6,000 years ago, mothers were breastfeeding their children until about seven years old. They were ensuring the survival of the human species,” Stolzer said. “Not only is the human brain not done growing until the child is five to seven years old, but the human immune system is not fully developed for five to seven years.”

Breastmilk naturally has more antibodies available for the older child, because babies are designed to always be with their mothers. That’s why breastfed babies in child care centers still get sick – the antibodies in their mother’s breastmilk are designed to ward off family germs, not from the whole community. The antibody load naturally increases as the child becomes more mobile, Stolzer explains.

It’s time that Western cultures quit playing it safe when it comes to educating women about breastfeeding, Stolzer says. The benefits of breastfeeding are consistently dependent not only on the frequency and intensity of each nursing session but also on the duration.

“We used to tell women that any breastfeeding was good, but the truth is, for a baby breastfed for two weeks, his immunity looks the same as a baby never breastfed,” Stolzer said.

Worth the Work

One of the concerns of practicing Attachment Parenting is the physical work involved in the beginning, at a time when the baby’s natural sleeping and feeding schedule is so contrary to the parents’ pre-baby schedules. But Stolzer encourages parents to stick with it.

“I know it feels really intense right now – and it is really intense right now – but in the time between birth and death, this really intense time is very small,” she said. “Attachment Parenting does not ensure that babies won’t cry or make choices that will hurt you or make you so mad you could flip – but if you lay that foundation with Attachment Parenting, that path [of loving interaction] will always be there for them to find again.”

Supporting Breastfeeding in Still Life: A Look at the “Breastfeeding is Normal” Project

World Breastfeeding Week 2013The benefits of breastfeeding to both baby and mother, not to mention the entire family, are becoming more and more well-known. However, there continues to be a pervasive attitude that breastfeeding should be a private event. Even while there are laws in many areas protecting the right to nurse in public, many mothers find the social stigma to much to bear.

Taisha Kelleher has been working on a project called “Breastfeeding is Normal: Anytime, Anywhere” to help normalize nursing in public through a public photography exhibit. This is among many photography displays that have come to Attachment Parenting International’s attention in the past few years, and it is encouraging that so many parents around the world have been moved in this way to support breastfeeding and to further the cause. It also proves that while peer support is most empowering in person, there is worth in simply seeing the act of breastfeeding and the women who choose to do so–even if in still life.

Taisha - Breastfeeding is Normal

We talked with Taisha to learn more about her project, which is in partnership with the La Leche League of the Sunshine State.

API: Hi Taisha! It is always wonderfully inspiring to meet other parents who strive to raise their child through Attachment Parenting. We really like what you’re doing with your project to promote breastfeeding.

TAISHA: I personally find that my style of parenting is very in sync with API principles, and I love what API is doing in terms of promoting healthier family relationships and gentle parenting.

API: Tell us about how the Breastfeeding is Normal Project began.

TAISHA: During World Breastfeeding Week 2011, I came across some slideshows on Facebook with pictures of moms nursing in public from the “Nursing IS Normal” projects that have been coordinated in several states by Kathy O’Brien. I fell in love with the idea and, first, wrote a blog post about the project. Then I decided that something similar had to be done in my area, and I posted a link to my blog post in several forums and asked around for anyone interested in helping to make this come true here. Thanks to our local birth center and Facebook, soon there was a whole group of moms interested in making this project happen! I spoke to Kathy O’brien, and with her blessing, we decided to move forward under a different name, “Breastfeeding Is Normal: Anytime, Anywhere.”

The current partners are La Leche League of the Sunshine State, the Hillsborough County Breastfeeding Task Force, and breastfeeding moms from the community. The project will be displayed at the Museum of Science and Industry (MOSI) as a permanent part of their Amazing You exhibit on the human body.

API: How will the Breastfeeding is Normal project contribute to society and benefit families?

TAISHA: Being embarrassed to breastfeed in public, as well as fear of being shamed for doing so, are some of the reasons that some moms never attempt to breastfeed. Others start out breastfeeding but give up after having a bad experience nursing in public or when they realize their child will no longer keep a cover on. We are hoping this will no longer be an issue in the near future.

When we see something every day, we quickly become desensitized to it. Present generations have not been exposed to breastfeeding much, if at all. We are hoping that the more they see breastfeeding happening around them, the more normal it will become. Most public schools in Hillsborough County take their students on field trips to MOSI, and parents like to take their kids on trips there as well. It is a perfect place for children to be exposed to breastfeeding and to learn that it is a normal part of life.

Of course, we also hope that they are exposed to real moms nursing in public.

The hope is that, with nursing becoming more normalized in our society, more moms will initiate and continue breastfeeding, since they no longer have to worry about hiding or being shamed. This of course will benefit babies in that more of them will be breastfed and get to experience the benefits of breastfeeding. More moms will also experience said benefits. My dream is that one day, when people see a mom breastfeeding, they are so used to it that they don’t even bat an eyelash.

Photo credit: Taisha Kelleher, with her husband and tandem-nursing sons, is working with the “Breastfeeding is Normal: Anytime, Anywhere” project, one of many photography displays around the world bringing breastfeeding into the public eye. (Photography by Patricia Cannon of Sweet Plum Photography)

Parents Crave Uncommon Support for Common Concerns, Like Breastfeeding

World Breastfeeding Week 2013In 2009, Attachment Parenting International conducted a parent support survey on the value of peer support provided through both local leaders and parenting support groups as well as online resources and publications. Overwhelmingly, parents responded that they sought out in-person support from local API Leaders and API Support Groups first.

According to the survey, parents seek out support for a variety of childrearing concerns, with feeding with love and respect, which includes breastfeeding, being second only to coping with and resolving sleep issues. Parents specifically seek out API Leaders for a perspective on childrearing that they can’t find elsewhere.

For example, one mother explained how she worked as a nanny for a long time before becoming a mother and had been taught to let babies cry-it-out, to not hold babies, and to feed formula rather than breastfeed:

“When I had my own children, there was such a pull where I felt those were the things I should be doing, even though my instincts screamed otherwise. I have struggled to learn to follow my instincts by immersing myself in a supportive group and lots of supportive reading.”

Attachment Parenting adds to breastfeeding support by including other interrelated areas of childrearing. As a La Leche League leader pointed out:

“My interaction is with breastfeeding mothers, and I have been able to add on more knowledge from API.

Perhaps the largest role API plays in supporting breastfeeding mothers is in actively supporting their choice. Despite health care recommendations that are increasingly pro-breastfeeding, our society continues to be resistant to change in parenting style. Another parent described the frustration of breastfeeding her children in a social climate where, on one hand, highly respected organizations like the World Health Organization, the American Pediatrics Academy, and La Leche League touted the benefits of breastfeeding, but on the other hand, culture was not in tune:

“API has been where I go to be validated and reassured.”

Although there is much more to be read from the API Parent Support Survey, it is clear from the survey that mothers find valuable support for breastfeeding through API’s local leaders and online resources. Here is what other survey respondents had to say about API’s peer support for breastfeeding:

“I had breast reduction surgery 11 years ago that did not allow me to produce much milk. My supply was so, so low and it caused a lot of guilt issues. The ladies in my group tried to help and were so supportive.”

“I worked out of the home and got excellent support from our API group about pumping while working and nursing when home. We’re still going strong at two and a half years!”

“Night weaning: when to do it, how to do it, why to do it, etc. – this has been a discussion through the API-NYC Yahoo! Group. I haven’t started doing this yet, but everyday, I think about it more and more and it’s been great to hear other moms’ stories.”

“Just today, I posted to the Twin Cities API Yahoo! Group that ‘I am only one bite away from quitting’ breastfeeding. My son has three teeth and is using my right boob as a teether. It’s painful and making our breastfeeding relationship rocky. I got a heartfelt ‘I’ve been there and it does bite’ and some good suggestions on how to stop the biting. I really don’t want to quit nursing, and it was important to me that I get advice and encouragement from women who weren’t just going to tell me to quit, that I’ve made it nine months, etc. I felt like I had tried everything, and I was really ready to give up. It hurts to be bitten dozens of times a day, and I was fed up. The API group is invaluable to me. Without that group, I only know two other parents who parent like us. I’ve stopped going to other playgroups, because it hurts me to hear how other moms talk about and to their kids. I think I’d be lost without the API group.”

“When I came to the group, I was having a lot of painful nursing issues, but as time has gone on and my daughter and son have grown, I find that the most beneficial help I’ve received is on finding balance and positive discipline.”

“Extended breastfeeding has been one of the areas where belonging to API groups and knowing other API members has meant a great deal to me. It has helped to be able to share stories – tell them and hear them – of various incidents involving breastfeeding an older child and to talk about the feelings of joy, embarrassment, resentment, etc. that such incidents bring up.”

“I had to wean my baby unexpectedly when I got ill, and I turned to the group for advice on how to handle this as well as tips for allowing my mother to take over my child’s care while I was ill. Also, I had to let my baby go for the duration of a treatment, and I turned to the API e-mail list for suggestions about how to deal with the feelings, asking what was best for my girl in terms of me demonstrating my emotions or not. I received so much support about how to let my mom parent, and validation that it was OK for me to have all the feelings I had around that. The e-mail list made it much easier to feel like I was doing the best I could as a parent, even when I couldn’t do anything physically. Similarly, the advice I got for the separation was to authentically express and communicate with my daughter. That feels completely right to me. Instead of trying to protect her by hiding my feelings, or by letting the story go and telling her later what happened, we can braid it into our family story – such good advice. I also got advice on how to transition her back to us after I’m out of the hospital – simply invaluable.”

“When my daughter was nine months old, we realized she was not sleeping longer than 20 minutes at a time during the day. If she fell asleep after nursing and I tried to lay her down, she woke up immediately. We became very concerned, and I could not find any information in sleep books, and the only option seemed to be to let her cry it out, which we were not prepared to do. We met with an API Leader who suggested I hold her after she fell asleep and that ended up being the way my child could get a nap during the day.”